nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, January 4, 2021

    i had a hard time sleeping last night 

    shouldnt i?

    death is literally around every corner.

    i was at the store last week and i heard someone sneeze and i darted in the opposite direction like it was a shotgun blast

    on that trip i also got a covid test in a church parking lot and today they called

    but because it was coming from some 714 area code i was all, pass.

    they left a message saying they had my test results and i should call back.

    i was scared to death! i had been up all night with constipation, and then the opposite and when i wake up in the middle of the night i have a hard time going back to sleep, especially with the world imploding

    so i called back asap and they were all, you’re good.

    and i wanted to yell: couldn’t you just have texted me that? or emailed? or left that on the message?

    why make me call back? i know its a medical thing, but if there’s not a virus, it’s not medical. it’s nothing. it’s the opposite of Anything.

    let me check a box off on the form where I let you text me a big thumbs up if im negative.

    life doesnt need to be hard.

    life is hard enough.

    thank God i have Tums and the Lord above looking out for me when im dumb enough to leave my home.

    no more home leaving for a while.

  2. Friday, December 11, 2020

    if youre not confused yr not paying attention 

    At first we thought they were bots.

    How could anyone buy into the obvious baloney that was being shoveled down our throats?

    Those can’t be people on the other side of those Twitter accounts with American flags in the bios and Bible verses next to their user names.

    I DONT BELIEVE YOU Randy59680217!

    But they are real.

    They are our brothers and sisters, our neighbors, they’re sandwich artists and cops and very fine people.

    70 million of them voted for a person who lied thousands of times… which was the least of his sins.

    People are confused right now. On both sides. On all sides.

    If you’re not confused you’re not paying attention.

    But that doesn’t mean we can’t love each other. It doesn’t mean we can’t be civil.

    The lady on my TV today said more people died today of COVID than all who died on 9/11, and that stat will be repeated nearly every day for the next 2-3 months.

    Is she correct? Let’s hope not. Let’s hope we turn this corner fast.

    Let’s hope the wonderful health professionals who are in harms way stay strong and get all the support they need because they’re so vital right now.

    These are dark days and they may get darker yet.

    Love each other.

    It’s the opposite of what our enemies would want us to do.

  3. Wednesday, December 9, 2020

    do amber and i have a perfect relationship? yes. 

    she doesnt mind that im up writing until 5am. she only smirks when i crawl in bed and tell alexa to wake me up at noon.

    and often as she rises in the morning i will hear her via ESP think

    how is he so sexy at 197 years old? 

    but one thing we disagree on is this pandemic.

    me, i say stay at home, wear a mask, and limit ways for the deadly bug to get you.

    she is young and full of life and loves being out and aboot.

    this causes friction. not sexy friction. and not friction that one day will create a diamond.

    this is conflict that digs right to the triad of all relationships: trust, honest communication, and the desire for the relationship to continue.

    what you dont trust me? she’ll yell.

    no, no i dont! i’ll write on a post-it and slap it on Prince’s tail.

    unlike most relationships this lack of trust isn’t of a sexual nature, as a libra on the scorpio cusp i dare you to woo her better than i

    i just dont trust how close she will talk with strangers, or how close other men want to get to her on the sidewalk. MEN WITH COOTIES.

    and i also don’t like how often she goes to Starbucks, one place people take their masks off for that ridiculously overpriced cup of joe.

    i offer to buy her expensive machines but she declines. i offer to have a Task Rabbit mail her Christmas packages but she scoffs. “why should we send a stranger into harm at the Post Office??”

    every afternoon as i rise i see her smile turned upside down and i know it’s over one thing: her pissed off ness for being locked up like Rapunzel, who is not allowed to have handsome italian men charge her $700 to give her hair — her beautiful hair — the Sexy Smooth she’s grown accustomed to.

    and it’s all my fault.

    thats what she tells me.


    how did i know the GOP would let it electorate suffer this fate?

    live and learn, i guess.

    or just learn.


  4. Thursday, November 12, 2020

    by the time i get to arizona 

    this has been an incredible year.

    tomorrow is friday the 13th. the last time we had a friday the 13th was in march.


    the month the plague began.

    today california verified its 1 millionth covid case.

    back in sweet home chicago the mayor is putting everyone in a 30 day time out.

    people of the future, i dont know what to say about this.

    it’s happening to us, but it’s happening in slow motion.

    i know people who have gotten covid.

    a former LAist editor in chief got it.

    you probably know someone who got it too.

    but because we dont know massive amounts of people who have died of it not enough people are panicking.

    sometimes Actual Fear really helps.

    last night we met a friend for dinner in Thai Town. she no longer lives in LA so you gotta say hi when you can. we ate outside in the freezing cold (50 degrees) in a parking lot, dining on some kick ass thai food under a heat lamp

    and even though she had just gotten tested, it probably wasnt the smartest move. we’re educated people. we know better.

    but humans are social people. and i dont know if it was the food or the company or the otherwise lack of social interaction among friends but afterwards we felt super good. buzzed almost.

    and no we didnt drink a drop of booze.

    good friends gabbing for 90 minutes is nice. seeing each others eyes is nice.

    but so is living through the end of all of this.

    my brother wants to have a socially distanced thanksgiving and i dont think thats a good idea

    can you imagine if i got him sick and he never recovered?

    id never recover.

    so yes, people of the future, thats what life is like right now on Thursday the 12th

    as we eagerly await for the grownups to return to the white house to fix this fucking shit.