nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, September 28, 2016

    everythings upside down and sideways too 

    trump poppinsyou wouldnt know it by looking at me but i do best when things have order and structure and


    i love having a vacation. i love going back to chicago and seeing my friends and family.

    but it throws everything out of wack.

    have you ever seen the busblog go so many days without posting in a week?

    i have forgotten what day it is. i forget what im supposed to do today and tomorrow and the next day.

    i made it to the Cubs’ playoff lottery but forgot that i was supposed to buy tickets this morning at 8am.

    i didnt realize yesterday that tomorrow im going to UCSB to speak to the Nexus, not today.

    everything is crazy. i am crazy. all because of one thing: i want to watch the Cubs make their way to the World Series and win. i dont care if i do it here at Wrigley or just outside of Wrigley. i just want it to happen and i want to be close to the love. aint gonna be much love here in LA. but i do hope that the Dodgers face the Cubs so i can see some of the games here in LALA LAnd.

    im hungry. im thirsty. word is that Jeanine got a job in Vegas yesterday. we will see if thats true. i hope it is because who doesnt love Vegas?

    word is now i have to go to work myself. which is great because who doesnt love it when i go to work in the morn.

    anyways dont do drugs, stay in school, pay your taxes, and dont lie on national tv.

  2. Friday, September 23, 2016

    a visit to the local mall 

    skatemy mom and I are at a random mall in the middle of nowhere an hour outside Chicago.

    I see a Thrasher tshirt in the window of a skate shop with a demonic goat 666 image on a satanic star.

    So naturally I go in because how is this seriously in this suburban Illinois mall?

    We start talking to the guy working at the shop.

    Curious if there’s any Todd Francis skateboards there, I ask if he has any.

    Guy says, “Todd Francis? You mean one of the most famous skateboard designers ever?”

    Quickly goes to one of the many racks of decks and instantly finds this one pictured  and says “this guy is a legend. I have his book. You Know him? Wait till I tell my friends!”

    So I show him some pics of Todd in college.

    Minds blown. (By the way the price of the board was Not $8.25 – it was actually $52.)

    So we talk some more, shake hands, talk about skating in Santa Barbara in the 80s, where I was lucky enough to meet and work with Todd and the dudes are seriously impressed.

    Here’s the weird thing about Todd. I was impressed by him the very first time I ever met him, I tell them. He was that good even when he was 19-20 years old.

    Just as disgusting, just as interesting, just as dark.

    But what is hard to see from his art is how funny he is. Sooooo funny in a dry, bitter, sideways way. OK maybe his art is exactly like that too. I was hungry and needed a Portillos dipped beef.

    Weirdly I forget to tell him that we were roommates on Folsom Street in Frisco in 1994 and watched the Bronco Chase together. But maybe that would have been overkill. They got it.


    then we see a sports store. Cubs Sox Bulls Bears Hawks.

    ive been to this store before and remember the guy behind the counter. I remembered him because I always appreciated his wide selection of Cubs stuff.

    I am looking at a playoff tshirt and right away he says 20% off!

    i say, hold your horses, why dont you see, i might just buy it at full hit? he’s got a thick accent but i catch about every other word.

    we get talking and i look around and I notice that even though the NFL season is only in its 2nd week theres very few Bears crap on his racks. Maybe 2-3 racks thats it. More than half the store is Blackhawks and the rest is Cubs. He tells me the Bears have not been selling for the last 5 years.

    Also these facts:

    Anthony Rizzo jerseys sell more than Kris Bryant

    Blackhawks have been steady sales for the last 5 years, winter, fall, summer, spring. But especially around Christmas.

    The last time the Bears were in the Super Bowl everything sold out and even the distributor sold out.

    And if the Cubs win the World Series he is certain everything in his store will sell out no matter what it is.

    Also these very sad facts:

    He works 7 days a week, 10 hours a day

    No one else works with him.

    He has a nephew who works for him 2 weeks a year for his vacation.

    If he doesn’t open his store on time he gets fined by the mall.

    No way can he close his store for a day because he would get a bigger fine.

    Sales at the store over the last 5 years have sunk year after year.

    His only saving grace would be the Cubs winning the World Series, and yet he wears a Sox jacket because he thinks he looks better in black than in “purple” (which I assume he meant blue).

    Even though the Bulls have signed hometown boy Dwayne Wade, the NBA won’t release anything official until right before the season starts. So no one is really buying any Bulls stuff right now because everyone is preoccupied with the Cubs.

    I begged him to hire my mom to work for him two days a week but they both refused to take me seriously.


  3. Thursday, September 22, 2016

    have i told you i have the greatest friends? 

    14358886_10154511586878057_7270332091119793027_nlast night a handful of my friends from high school met me at Wrigley Field for my annual pilgrimage to the Friendly Confines.

    i was very fortunate in high school that i knew so many cool people and it was great to be reunited with them, a couple of whom i have only seen a few times in the last 20 years.

    the day began with thunderstorms and rain – two things this Los Angeleno hasn’t experienced in nearly 20 years and i didnt know how to handle it.

    but the midwest is a wild place, thunderstorms in the morning and afternoon doesnt necessarily mean a night game rain out. in fact last night it meant just the opposite: beautiful weather, clear skys, clean streets, green grass, gorgeous ivy, and memorable times with friends who have always remained in my heart.

    my mom drove me to monica and her hunky husband’s amazing dream home. patrick is a master with iron and monica’s dad is a talented and skilled contractor who used to build stairs in their summer home that lead to nowhere for fun.

    i imagine that once his oldest daughter owned her own home he was thrilled to use his master craftsmanship and love for her in beautiful ways, and i gotta say, i have been in some o the coolest homes in LA, and Herr Troesken blows them away.

    also i loved that nearly everywhere i looked in the home were Cubs memorabilia on walls, atop tables and even as nightlights.

    patrick drove through the rush hour traffic and monica and i gabbed like two ladies at the hair dressers.

    when we arrived at Wrigleyville we took a stroll around all the new development which gave me mixed emotions because they sure are building up the place that used to be quaint and authentic and old school, almost like lalala oh theres a baseball stadium right in the middle of town? look at that!

    soon it will look more like oh theres a city surrounding the baseball complex? weird.


    after several beers, pulled pork sandwhiches, wine, and trips to various bars we all met at the Harry Caray statue and congregated in the Left Field bleachers. thanks to the rain a lot of the fair weather fans stayed home which meant there was plenty of room for our large group to move around and do our thing in about the fourth and fifth row.


    Bob, the real MVP of the night, bought the tickets for us, and even made tshirts to celebrate the evening. he is my oldest friend, i first met him my first day of Kindergarten and even though we havent lived in the same time zone for quite a while, i will never forget sitting in the left field bleachers when we were in junior high along with our other grade school pal Todd  – and later our high school bud Keith. Hopefully the next time we are all at Wrigley those General Managers can come too.

    laura julie and monica

    other MVPs include high school friends Laura and Julie who took the train from the far out in the sticks to join us. Laura is a school teacher and librarian who invited me to teach her class next September which i gladly accepted. and Julie is one of the few remaining cattle farmers of Northern Illinois and one of my closest friends from school. She told me she made a binder of all the notes I passed her in school which she saved for when I get famous. I apologized for letting her down, although now I’m very curious about those notes because that was basically the Genesis for the busblog.

    Of the friends who i knew in school, these three ladies probably account for 75% of what influenced me in my juvenilia. all i ever wanted to do was impress and entertain them, and i usually did it through my body building and short story writing. so what a joy it was to reunite with them after all these years. AND AT MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD!


    because you should always have special guests, also in attendance was my LAist News Editor, Andy Sternberg, who moved from the sandy beaches of Venice to the North Side of Chicago so he could walk to Cubs games to experience this magical season. it was awesome to chill with he and his lovely new lady – who is also a big cubs fan, so i approved.


    i felt a little sad for Monica’s hubby Patrick who had to hear all our old high school war stories, but he seemed ok with it all. what a trooper. i forgot to tell him i wanted his Cubs shirt. But I am glad I didn’t because he would have probably taken it off his back for me.

    Speaking of, you can no longer go topless at Wrigley, which disturbed me, so I took off my shirt (not pictured) and plan to take it off again at my next visit because come on man.


    also in attendance was this fun couple who we didn’t know but who had the sad misfortune of sitting next to us. Because Bob is the Ambassador of Fun, not only did he become friends with them immediately but they taught him a game-long Cub Cup gambling game which I immediately jumped in on. they nick-named me Hollywood – which was apropos since i funded most of the pretty girls’ winnings with very little to show for it afterwards.

    Cubs won, new friends were made and I even met two Mexican young ladies who overheard me talk trash about San Diego, but it led to them giving me their numbers as they told me about their relative’s Carnitas joint on West Cermak.

    so see, people really do win on MTV.


  4. Wednesday, September 21, 2016

    a trio of Ask Tony questions appeared on my Facebook 

    jack and cokechris asks, Whats the protocol for calling BS on friends of friends racist posts? 

    it’s so interesting that you ask this because im about to finish reading the bible for the 3rd or 4th time (but who’s counting?) and Sunday i read this line in 2 Timothy that totally reminded me of Facebook

    23Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. 24And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, 25correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 26and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

    Here St. Paul (the author of the letter to Timothy is Paul) starts off by saying “just totally ignore the haters because you’ll end up in a flame war, and those are for sucker MCs.” but then he says if we are really going to try to be good Christians we have to be super chill with everyone, totally patient, and if you are going to correct someone do it in the smoothest way ever. which in a way is the opposite of a flame, and eventually it’ll work out.

    Personally i have never seen a racist stop being a racist because of words on a Facebook wall. my experience of racism is it is the culmination of years and years of ignorance that starts with someone’s parents and friends and is fertilized over time by a fucked up environment. so i dont see where even the coolest exchange of facts, hyperlinks, and well-turned phrases could undo what years of bullshit formed. so i don’t even try very much any more, even though it can seem so tempting to jump in there.

    Instead I think there are far better places to place ones energies within Facebook, namely the good people in your life who, for whatever reason, Facebook hides from you because you haven’t engaged with them very much. Chill with them instead.

    Peter asks: Is it too soon for Brangelina jokes? 

    on one hand, it is super sad whenever any couple breaks up, especially those with many kids, because divorce affects some kids very emotionally – not to mention the once-happy couple.

    on the other hand, Comedy Is Not Pretty. some of the funniest jokes are dark, tasteless, rude, foul, biting, and OMG WHAT?comedy is not pretty

    but we need comedy, particularly when we see ourselves in others who apparently are having it worse than we are.

    the problem with bashing on Brad and Angie is for all apparent appearances they’re really sweet people. Brad built houses in New Orleans for the poor after a couple of those hurricanes. he produces films that tackle tough issues in artistic ways (The Big Short, 12 Years a Slave, The Normal Heart, Selma, etc)

    And Angie’s list of charitable endeavors was so long that the Academy gave her a humanitarian award a few years ago where even her acceptance speech was selfless, touching and inspiring, focused on her mom who taught her early on that all of us who live a safe, healthy life are extremely fortunate and downright lucky because we could have just as easily been born in another part of the world devoid of clean water, plentiful food or peace. so those of us whose head is above water should help those who aren’t.

    so since there are plenty of more deserving people to make fun of, i will be aiming my barbs at those who are far more selfish and foolish and worthy of my incredible barbs. perhaps you will feel the same way.

    Asher asks: If Tony is at Wrigley Field for the Word Series, how does he react to the national anthem?

    First of all, aint no way I’m going to be at Wrigley for the World Series. The cheapest tickets are going for close to $9,000 and even though i love the Cubs with all of my heart and wear a Cubs hat almost every day and have dozens of Cubs gear, and have lived this way my whole life, i’ve never had $9,000 laying around for such a thing and i sure as hell don’t now.

    But let’s say a miracle ticket comes my way and there i am in the bleachers and someone great like Billy Corgan or Cheap Trick or Bruce Springsteen starts singing The Star Spangled Banner: as much as i am angry and dismayed by so many innocent victims of the police murdering black men, i don’t see how one blogger in a sea of 40,000 Cub fans kneeling or raising my fist would impact anything in the slightest other than making my fellow Cub fans around me feel uncomfortable.

    What has made this protest so fascinating and powerful is it is coming from the players, most of whom have the cameras pointed at them. Because of these players the protest has gained momentum and kept the conversation going. Even if 1,000 fans knelt, the odds of the cameras catching it are minimal, especially on Fox, who will be broadcasting it, who care so little about the game or the viewers that they insist on having Joe Buck ruin it for everyone.

    So no, for once in my life, I would not be trying to change the world. I would be entirely focused on watching my little Cubby world change.

  5. Monday, September 19, 2016

    im in chicago and how about this, im about to hang with aj 

    jeanine ajwhen i was in college aj and i wrote together, rocked out together, we even had a rock and roll radio show together.

    the only thing we didnt do is get it on together. i shoulda told her, look at me, i have my hair, i look great in the cubs shirt that i will later wear in vegas. and i weight 125 lbs. whats not to love?

    she loved me but not *that* way. which was a bit sad in a way but it led to great diary entries in my creative studies diaries class and poems and short stories.

    one thing led to another and jeanine and i started dating and then we moved in together. we were super in love. maybe in a sick way. we got these friendship bracelets which are painfully visible in this photo and i think i wore mine for a year or two. i think i also had one on my ankle. i was nuts. we were all nuts. all three of us shoulda probably gotten it on right after this picture was taken but we were sweet kids not wearing any makeup, not putting any product in our hair, probably not even wearing underwears.

    i love this picture because you can just see all the love we had and have for each other beaming through. it was taken right outside of AJs pad affectionally dubbed “the playpen”. mons pubis or the wonderfuls were about to play. some jungle juice was being prepared in a nearby garbage can. and the neighbors were for sure peeking through their curtains at the parade of beauty and freaky. i think the year was 1990. either that or 91. def one of my all time favorite pictures.

  6. Saturday, September 17, 2016

    Game Four of the World Series at Wrigley going for $9k 

    cubs at wrigley

    a long time ago when the Cubs were close to getting in the World Series people were all, are you gonna beg people for money so you can go?

    i was all, nah, i’ll just sell all my baseball cards or something.

    shit, now i’m gonna have to sell all my baseball


    basketball cards now.

  7. Friday, September 16, 2016

    Cubs clinch 

    cubslast night the Cubs clinched the division when the Giants beat the Cardinals

    it was sort of anti-climatic but you know what, fine. we dont need any drama right now. we need to give the kids some at bats and rest our pitchers and get ready for the playoffs.

    the playoffs, the opening act for the World Series.

    last night i bought a Post Season cap and a little gift for my momma.

    this is a picture from Wrigley Field where hundreds of Cub fans gathered in the wee hours to celebrate.

    the Muslims have Mecca, we have 1060 W. Addison. i may not get married there – although who knows – but if i end up in ashes thats where they will be sprinkled. it’s where my heart is and clearly where all of these people’s hearts are too.

    yesterday i was feeling so ill i had to take the day off of work. i didnt blog i didnt uber i barely ate. i felt so nautious i dont even know how to spell it any more. i still feel slightly pukey but im gonna go into work because tomorrow i fly to chicago to celebrate my moms 24th birthday.

    one thing i did do yesterday was laundry. washed my sheets, shorts, towels, blankets. when you’re ill it’s nice to feel clean. so thank you Lord for letting me have this washer dryer finally. i think it may have sorta cured me.

  8. Wednesday, September 14, 2016

    everyone should probably avoid me for the next month 

    dogi have been acting and feeling very very strange the last week or so

    and i dont think it will be getting any better any time soon.

    the cubs are going to win the world series

    probably easily

    and it’s already starting to freak me out because

    this is not something that me or anyone younger than 109 years old has ever experienced

    and this team is so good and lovable and likeable and calm and chill

    and next week im flying to chicago for my annual visit and by the time i see a game at wrigley

    it will be that little inbetween time after theyve clinched it

    (which they’ll do tomorrow or Friday)

    and before the playoffs.

    but still it’s weird. so weird.

    like the pretty girl in school saying omg no tony is the prettiest.

    today the cubs beat the crap outta the cardinals

    our oldest player hit a home run that went about 6 and half miles.

    then the first baseman, who in any other year would be the MVP

    (but its gonna go to the third baseman bc he’s having and even better year)

    hit two home runs like no biggie.

    all in our rivals park.

    i know some good people who are from st louis and i know at least one who lives there now.

    lovely lovely people.

    but i also know some cardinals fans who are miserable racists.

    remember this is a team who fired harry caray at the peak of his career

    because he fell in love with the boss’s daughter.

    they ended up together forever and ever and ever.

    those are the things i should focus on right now during this moment of pre-freak mode.

    i will be very drunk the next month.

    maybe i’ll be drunk forever.

    maybe there will be another chicago fire when this goes down next month.

    maybe i will climb the scoreboard and jump into the flames below

    maybe i will be saved by a st. bernard with a bucket of Old Style.

    maybe we will just casually sweep every team we face

    and it will be very very boring.

    and they will run out of beer because of a fire in st. louis

    and we will all drink water and pour water on each other

    and laugh and laugh and laugh in the great wet tshirt contest of 2016

    and i will laugh the most because i will win

    bc im so pretty.

  9. Tuesday, September 13, 2016

    the problem with trolls in my facebook 

    led zep threeif you know me you know im a lover not a fighter.

    true i can fight with the best of them, but thats no why Providence gave me my superpowers

    mines, and yours, were meant for poetry, not barbs, romance, not wars.

    i want to use my detective skills and intellect to have greater ends than winning an internet tussle.

    i want to whisper in the ear of a cheerleader, not yell at a cardinal fan on twitter.

    dude came into my facebook not long ago and started blah blah blahing about some nonesense

    and i keep my facebook prettymuch open to the public. because i believe in freedom. open door policy.

    i’ll block you if i have to, but i dont even really like doing that. people should be allowed to say whatever theyre gonna say and if they really came to fight, shouldnt a gradate in literature from the college of creative studies mop the floor with like 98% of all trolls?

    this very busblog once upon a time would have 50-60 comments on posts, not all of them were right on tony, marry me, kiss me, be my boyfriend I CAN COOK!

    and i bet you i banned less than a dozen people during that heyday. you just blogged, fought, and moved on.

    but theres this guy today who i wanna ban but


    he went to UCSB.

    how am i gonna ban a Gaucho?

    i may need to take him aside and say dude, either you’re Candid Camera 3000 or you seriously need to take your malarkey somewhere else because you’re disrespecting our school.

    earlier today i was so sick i had to go home. on the way i bought old school Pepto Bismol.

    did some work on my sickbed, still had a headache, drank some more pepto

    had the cubs on the laptop and football on TV1 and fell asleep AGAIN

    woke up and the Cubs were throwing a no hitter.

    believe me when i tell you i think that totally cured me.

    cubs magic number is now three.

  10. Tuesday, September 6, 2016

    this morning i realized that in about a month i will be crying 

    andy warholi was in the shower. the cats were looking at me.

    lynyrd skynyrd’s second helping was booming from my cute little black bluetooth speaker

    and it dawned on me that the cubs have a very good chance of not only winning the world series

    but doing it in a sweep.

    currently they are 41 games over .500

    to put that in perspective, over the last 71 years the cubs have only been 22 games over .500

    SIX times.

    like i said, today they are 41 games over .500 as they get ready to face the lowly brewers of milwaukee, which means they have a very good chance of being 42 games over .500 before we lay ourselves to sleep tonight

    of the years the Cubs finished 22+ games over .500 (1969, 1977, 1984, 1989, 2008, 2015), i ended up crying in sorrow half of them

    which made me think this year i will either cry in unbelievable joy

    or bawl in absolute, terrifying pain.

    i have had friends invite me to join them in vegas so we can watch the world series at a famous strip club so as to soften the blow if the unmentionable happens.

    but i dont want to think that way. i want to go to Chicago and either celebrate or commiserate in Wrigleyville with my brethren and sistren

    and then maybe walk home after the big game, 40 miles away.

    so as to let it sink in.