nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, February 5, 2016

    only 5 days on the market and the Cubs’ spring training cap is basically sold out 

    cubs spring training cap

    unless you wear a size 6 7/8, you’re outta luck if you want a Cubs official spring training cap

    the cubs appear to be the favorites to win the world series

    and are probably faves to dominate through most of this century

    after graciously giving much of the last one to the yankees, dodgers and cardinals

    but this one is ours and everyone knows it so when this cute little number hit the digital shelves

    they flew off like hotcakes (but why would you do that to a hotcake?)

    foolishly i thought the league woulda made tons of these, so i’ve gotta find one somewhere

    maybe my mom can hunt me down one back home in illinois

    your boy wears a 7 1/8.

  2. Thursday, January 21, 2016

    dear tony, what should we do about global warming? 

    bowieexcellent question

    1. throw any politician out of office if they “disagree” with the scientifically proven fact that it exists.

    2. since it literally is a matter of life and death, create a federal department whose sole purpose is to curb it.

    3. give that agency actual power.

    4. stop giving hundreds of millions of dollars annually in federal subsidies to cattle farmers. “According to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, agriculture is responsible for 18% of the total release of greenhouse gases world-wide (this is more than the whole transportation sector).”

    5. buck a gallon global warming tax on gasoline to pay for the agency

    6. reforest the rainforest and if they don’t let us do it, invade them.

    7. pull all of manufacturing out of china until they get their shit together with their pollution. (president trump would make it happen.)

    8. require all new homes and office buildings to have solar panels that make a real difference.

    9. zero income taxes for three years for anyone who has a fully electric car as their primary vehicle

    10. no more night games at wrigley field


  3. Friday, January 15, 2016

    todays national hat day, so i wore a hat to work 

    national hat dayive been wearing a Cubs hat since i was a lad.

    when i was in high school id walk down the hall and people would pass me by and say

    cubs suck
    cubs suck
    oh god the cubs suck
    cubs lost yesterday
    cubs suck
    cubs rule!
    cubs suck

    in college i would wear it and people would say omg are you from chicago? and id say the burbs – represent! and we’d talk about the cubs or chicago or where they were from or whathaveyou.

    but nowadays i wear my hat and dudes mostly say your team is great or your team is doing great or things of that nature.

    today i was at a Panerra Bread and i saw a dude with a black Cubs hat with a white C on it and i said, nice hat.

    he didnt notice my blue Cubs hat (Post Season edition) and said, are you from Chicago?

    i spun my hat around and he was all ooooooh hi!!!

    he told me that most people make fun of him i said, i dont know anything about that.

    the good news about the Cubs getting ready to win the world series is this year im ready for it. i have all the hats i need. now i need one that says world champs. or greatest team of the 21st century. or f you white sox on the side.

    or this ones for you, harry

    it will be a very special day. i’ll probably cry and propose marriage to the first girl i see. we’ll probably make out right there in the street.

    there will be humping. who knows. consummation. fluids of all sorts.

    a child will be conceived. one that will be called


    or pion for short.

    and she will rule us all.

  4. Monday, January 4, 2016

    one thing i learned from “making a murderer” is jail makes you fat 

    quentin stari guess cuz you’re just sitting around reading russian literature all day.

    today im at work for the first time in almost two weeks. it’s nice. but god im tired.

    my body got used to not doing squat and not having to wake up.

    my only new years resolution is to pay off my credit card balance by october.

    it’s close to $5k.

    it got that high because it’s all of my other credit cards. i moved them all over because this one has no interest until october.

    i did the math and basically if i dont eat out for lunch at work and just make sandwiches i can pay it off by october and all will be kool and the gang.

    jeanine made the most delicious lunch for me today and im sitting here at my desk eating it and writing to you and wishing i was on my way to eat sushi.

    but i figure it will be good to have an empty credit card by october because thats when the cubs will be in the world series and


    this is the year, btw, in case you havent noticed.

    no pressure, cubbies.

  5. Monday, December 14, 2015

    the year the cubs won the world series 


    my favorite team, the chicago cubs, will probably win the world series this year

    it’s been over 100 years since they last won it but this year looks to be it.

    last year we won something like 97 games,

    then beat the mighty pirates in the one game playoff

    then beat the cardinals, who had won 100 games, in the playoffs

    but then lost to the mets, who were on fire, in the nlcs.

    but it was cool, half of our best guys (seen above dressed as princesses) were rookies.

    our third basemen won the rookie of the year,

    our pitching ace won the cy young

    our manager won manager of the year

    we have the best GM, the genius, theo epstein

    who in the last few weeks got us the best free agent outfielder

    aka the cardinals best player, jason heyward

    jason heyward

    he got us the cardinals best pitcher (if ERA is all that matters), john lackey


    and then he got us the heart of the world champion KC Royals, ben zobrist

    Ben Zobrist

    and just for you, and you, he picked up the Yankees best swingman

    adam warren

    adam somebody or another.

    for cub fans, Christmas came early.

    since this is a historic year where it all seems like destiny is about to reach the chicago cubs

    long cursed and shunned to mediocrity

    but now that the light appears to be shining right on this great team

    i will blog about them once a day during the season

    and far more than you will probably appreciate during this off season

    hope you understand

  6. Friday, October 23, 2015

    the latest obsession with the cubs winning isn’t good 

    cubs win

    it’s great that the Cubs will be winning the World Series very soon and all, and we probably just saw the opening chapter of a long running dynasty.

    but the beauty of being a Cub fan is not having to be obsessed with winning all the time.

    it’s cute that people have adopted the W flag that flies atop the most beautiful scoreboard in the world. but that flag is for people in the neighborhood or those in the train to see if the cubs won or lost, it’s not supposed to be some symbol of dominance. it’s a quirky neighborhood thing from a time before it became trendy to lub the cubs.

    being a Cub fan is about enjoying baseball for what it is: a kids game played by millionaires, many of whom dont speak english. it’s about sitting on a bench with your shirt off drinking a bad beer that Budweiser is so afraid of that theyre doing its best to kick it out of the friendly confines.

    jack white sad cub fanit’s about cheering for defensive gems regardless of which team pulled it off.  it’s about betting a buck with your friends on which infielder will scratch his balls first. it’s about meeting the strangers sitting around you and finding out what lifes like where they live.

    it’s loving the fact that the former owner of the white sox is responsible for the most iconic part of Wrigley Field: it’s beautiful ivy. it’s about enjoying the organ music and yelling “right field sucks” especially if you’re sitting in the right field bleachers. it’s about being drunk after the game and hitting on and failing with other drunk cub fans who insult you for your crappy lines, but who then kiss you on your cheek because you are indeed a cub fan, which you proved by showing them your cubbie underwear right there on clark street.

    nothing about being a Cub fan is about winning world series or playoffs or division titles or even weekend series’ against milwaukee. it’s about loving baseball and other people. looking at you, jack white.

    that is all lost when we get caught up in that stupid white flag with that basic blue W on it. that is not us. thats bullshit the yankees should have had back in the day.

    Cub fans are the ones who will go see our team play no matter how they are doing in the standings. last year they were 17 games out of first place and drew 2.6 million fans. in 2013 they ended up 31 games out of first and they drew 2.6 million fans.  in 2012 they were even worse: 36 games out of first and 2.9 million fans showed up. this year they won 97 games, had the third best record in the majors and drew… 2.9 million fans.

    that’s how it should be. go to the game. bring kids. bring dates. drink beers. eat hot dogs. curse goats. and puke in the street on your way home. i have a W flag somewhere in this house but it means far less to me, because W’s are not what being a Cub fan is all about.

    for us, winning isn’t everything.

    everything is everything.

  7. Tuesday, October 20, 2015

    heres whats gonna happen over the next week 

    cubs win

    the cubs are gonna win tomorrow.

    at wrigley field.

    with jake arrieta on the mound.

    on principle.

    then jon lester is gonna win on thursday at wrigley field

    because he was paid over $100 million to win on thursday and he will do it

    because he is good at baseball, especially in october.

    then on saturday, that kid who pitched tonight, Kyle Hendricks, who only allowed two runs and five hits

    will shock the mets in the apple by shutting their asses off with that impressive comebacker slider.

    tying up the series three three

    for everybodys cy young winner jake arrieta to clutch victory from the jaws of defeat

    and stun the world, and new york city

    as the cubs bats wake up and send the cubs into the world series.

    four games. four wins. for you, history.

    all of this was a rope-a-dope to make it all that much more dramatic.

    yr welcome.

  8. Monday, October 19, 2015

    do you ever experience mood swings? 

    beyoncedo you ever feel super happy one minute and then terrible the next and you wanna just move back to maui and assume your title on the royal kawuuanuaan throne?

    there are sooooo many bible stories that start off by saying things like King Leroy died and was replaced by his son King Melvin who also did evil in the eyes of the Lord…

    i never wanna do evil in the eyes of the Lord.

    i wanna do the opposite of evil so badly and i know that means to just keep fighting through the emotions.

    emotions that i rarely have.

    but i have them, canada, trust me, i do.

    i may seem all cool calm and sexy on the outside like all the live long day but inside me, sometimes, there’s a tempest and a teapot

    and im all “but f tea”!

    i play fantasy sports, i do online gambling, i water the grass at the volunteer fire station, all so i can keep a handle on these rarely surfacing feels.

    and usually it works but today was a tough one.

    how can we be two games down to the miserable mets?

    where did they come from?

    we beat them 7 games to zero in the regular season. sure they didn’t have the Cuban. but one Cuban doesn’t make a spoiler.

    it hasn’t even been the cuban that has killed us, its been their pitching and that one guy who said anti-homosexual stuff at the beginning of the season.

    i keep telling myself this was not supposed to be the year, it was supposed to be next year.





    I hate that huge new scoreboard, I hate anti gay Mets, and I hate that Barack Obama isn’t gonna be at the game tomorrow to throw out the first pitch with a goat standing next to him so he can help end the curse.

    I am feeling emotional right now.

  9. dear tony, are the cubs slowly breaking our hearts (again)? 

    William Sianis and the goata wise man once said, a fool and his money are soon parted.

    but what about a fool and his heart?

    money is a chumps game, love on the other hand is what its all about.

    love you can take with you. love is a many splendored thing. no matter what wall street decides to do with the imaginary valuation of this piece of paper or that one,

    they can’t do anything about love love love.

    and yet history will tell us that you dont fall in love with certain type of people (rock stars, models, and actors) and you should never trust the cubs winning the world series.

    no one you know has ever seen it happen. and the last time the cubs got super close, half the league was fighting the damn nazis.

    did i fall for the pretty smile that was the hot bats of this latest crop of rookies?


    did i think that all we needed was arrietta and three days of wet weatha?

    who didnt?

    but im also a romantic. i believe that two hearts can beat as one. i trust that despite all the shiny flashy things that can distract the eyes are one thing but the magnetism of love, true love, can not be pulled apart.

    but i am also a fool. who, like jon snow, knows nothing.

    sometimes it doesnt matter who your manager is, who your GM be, how many homers you hit beating the number one team in baseball and before that the number two team, means nothing if youre cursed.

    and if i was the rickets family, the owners of the cubs, i would fill the friendly confines with goats. it should be Goat Day tomorrow. bring a goat, get in free, bring a goat get a hat, bring goat meat get a free Old Style.

    there should be goat shwarmas being sliced up beneath the stands, there should be goat blood shots being poured in the surrounding bars,

    and before the game there should be goat races
    around the bases

    it’s so perfect it even rhymes.

    something needs to change and since my heart wont, something else must. until then we will all wake up on mondays and face the cold hard reality that the cubs will remind us how big our hearts are because of the pain in having them crushed.

  10. Sunday, October 18, 2015

    i am at my most emotional during the playoffs 

    the desert

    i become superstitious and crazy and short tempered and i bite my tongue

    i freak out over the smallest things, i dont see the world as what it is and i overeat

    i cant sleep, i sleep all the time, i trim my cats nails for good luck

    i dont talk smack because im afraid it will be used against me later when they lose

    i dont believe they will win even though they totally should win easily.

    i probably shouldnt leave the house but life sorta forces you to.

    once upon a time i wanted to be a baseball manager

    im so happy that dream never came true because what sorta manager

    wouldnt want to leave the house during the most important

    historical, most meaningful part of the schedule

    let alone, your life.

    also my tooth brushing schedule is all out of wack.