nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, March 27, 2014

    a super star of stage and screen just gchatted me 

    harry carayand said why dont you have any tattoos

    i said omg if the bible allowed tattoos id have so many dumb and weird ones

    for sure id have one for the Daily Nexus

    probably one of my english teacher Robyn

    tons about the cubs, AC/DC, the replacements and Tsar

    probably my moms birthday on my heart

    93117 in gothic across my buff back

    it wouldnt end

    maybe some bukowski quotes like sass has

    screw it, why not a whole poem.

    one behind my neck that says if lost return to 6850 Del Playa

    maybe one on my chest thats a recreation of my drivers license

    a bible verse or three

    a picture of angus young

    maybe on my belly something that looks like tacos going into my large intestine.

    and yes, a tattoo of my kidney right around my faulty kidney

    and of course the harry caray logo on my shoulder right where the cubs had the patch because there was only one harry and i hope people never forget him because we should all have that sort of boundless energy inside of us.

  2. Saturday, November 23, 2013

    mr cub gets the presidential medal of honor 

    ernie banks and obama

    i was so tired last night and not feeling 100% so i didnt go to katies bday party, i stayed home.

    our office is in this old department store thats being renovated and maybe it was the dust that got in my nose?

    maybe it was the gigantic computer screen that i stared at all week?

    maybe it was the change of seasons (aka rain and cold we had the last couple of days)

    who knows but on friday i left work went to the grocery store and while i was on the phone with sass

    i went to the blood pressure machine and it said i was at 177 over 100 or something

    so i figured that katies party would probably be so fun id have a heart attack so i just stayed home

    today i just lazed aboot too and now i feel fantastic which is good because i have to go to this press club awards tomorrow

    my kingdom for two days off in a row. but you should be careful what you ask for.

    im very grateful to be employed again. so grateful i worked a little late last night and today.

    its fun and interesting work so who cares. id work tomorrow too but its against the bible.

    i havent been this happy in a really long time. i think the happiness killed the would be illness.

  3. Monday, November 4, 2013
  4. Saturday, September 28, 2013
  5. Saturday, September 14, 2013
  6. Wednesday, August 28, 2013

    today the cubs and the dodgers played LA’s only weekday day-game of the year 

    santo fan in dodger stadium

    other than opening day, that is.

    national anthem and its 92

    why they chose to do it in late august is beyond me, as while the little girl sang the anthem

    it was already 92 degrees

    in the shade

    nice mexican music

    wanna know something nice the dodgers do?

    i complain a lot, i realize that, but hopefully i also praise

    the dodgers have a huge latino audience. and many of their players are from south of the border

    today when the dodgers took the field the PA blasted “El Rey” by vicente fernandez.

    the crowd of “38,000″ cheered happily.

    some places say they care about the Latino audience, but i dont see them playing no vicente fernandez

    when they wanna get the party started.

    stadium club bar

    too hot so i went to the stadium club bar


    loitered around the $38 all you can eat buffet

    fresh foods

    everything seemed to fresh and natural for my good

    dodger dogs

    all i really wanted was a dodger dog, but tomorrows my cheat day, not today

    more bar

    plus drinking is fattening enough. funny story

    when i went to the beer vender lady she said right away Firestone

    i said Firestone IPA please.

    she said, see, no Cub fan order Coor Light.

    and pointed at my Cubs hat.

    bree kayla soft serve helmets

    while i was hiding in the stadium club bree was ordering a chocolate soft serve in a batting helmet at the taqueria

    little did we know when we were standing in the breezy breezeway that little league puig was being benched

    right then for being too much of a space cadet

    stolen base

    we walked past this stand that sells game used dodger crap and i was all

    too bad im poor, i might have to steal that base

    balls for twenty five

    but because i was raised right i kept my jokes about the $25 balls to myself.

  7. Tuesday, August 27, 2013

    todd canceled on me to go to the cubs game so i saw it at barneys beanery 

    cub fan barneys beanery

    in westwood because my man dave was all our bro is doing a radio show from there.

    so i went. it was fun. good beers (Racer 5), good fish tacos, and a few spicy wings.

    near the end of the game a pretty girl sits down at the bar and notices that im a crazy person

    and that i happen to be a cubs fan.

    turns out shes from indiana and would drive up to wrigley to see the cubs

    and now shes out here? why?

    because she is getting her masters at ucsb.

    something someone told me a long time ago when i was deciding between ucla and ucsb

    “ucsb is small enough that any alumni will instantly bond with you, thats not always the case with a big school like ucla”

    truer words my friends.

    also, always be a cub fan, and if youre a cute girl, always have a Cubs ribbon in your purse

    for no good reason, but its excellent proof that you’re just not hitting on the hottest xbi agent at the bar.

  8. Wednesday, August 21, 2013
  9. Thursday, August 8, 2013

    25 years ago tonight the Cubs played their first night game at Wrigley 

    because God loves the Cubs (in His own special way), he rained out the first time the Cubs tried to play the game under the lights that summer of ’88.

    and because Bill Murray loves the Cubs he sat in the booth wearing sunglasses and drinking cans of beers with Harry Carey.

    looking at this footage it appeared everyone at WGN was drunk.

    me, i was an ice cream man driving around Mundelion, Buffalo Grove, Carol Stream and other suburbs and i didnt want to see the blasphemy of the first night game.

    no lights at wrigleyit was like celebrating the first stab in the back.

    as Ernie Banks had said for years, “We do play under the lights at Wrigley… God’s light, that beautiful sun.”

    like most things in Chicago, the lights appeared via dirty politics and a death of 1,000 cuts.

    the first Satan was the evil Bowie Kuhn, who while the Cubs were making a remarkable drive in 1984 said if the Cubs made the World Series he wouldn’t allow the Cubs to play their home games in the day time because he had the bizarre belief that people wouldnt watch the World Series in the middle of the day EVEN THOUGH THE CUBS WERE PLAYING IN THEIR FIRST WORLD SERIES IN NEARLY 100 YEARS. The Cubs were upset by the Steve Garvey-led Padres and Kuhn didn’t have to pull that trigger.

    The very next year, new commish Peter Uberoth, fresh from a successful run overseeing the 1984 LA Olympics told the Cubs that if they made the playoffs again all of the games would be played in the South Side at Comiskey (shudder), Soldier Field (what??) or in St. Louis (blasphemy!). All while pretending that people didnt just watch some amazing Olympics in the daytime during the week. Of Course they would watch the Cubs during the day.

    That Judas, Dallas Green had somehow made his way from Philly to become the Cubs Team President and GM in 1987 and threatened to move the Cubs to the South Side if a plan for lights wasn’t created. He even proposed moving them a mile away from my hometown in the Northwest Suburbs. “If there are no lights at Wrigley Field, there will be no Wrigley Field,” he blasted.

    In 1987 Mayor Harold Washington, the first black mayor in Chicago proposed a compromise plan that would allow for a limited number of night games at Wrigley. After he died while in office, the interim mayor, Eugene Sawyer, who had zero political future bent over to MLB and all other anti-sun, anti-traditionalists and accepted whatever payoff shekels he received including the promise by MLB that the All-Star game would be played under the lights at Wrigley and boom, in 1988 commercial television got their lights where there didn’t need to be any.

    And instead of watching so-called history, i drove my truck around in the humid hot Illinois summer… and wept while Bill Murray yelled “Turn em off! Turn em off!” after the first hitter in the game knocked a homer off the Cubs pitcher.

  10. Saturday, August 3, 2013

    why baseball needs instant replay part two 

    puig and the outfield

    because today the most exciting player in baseball, Little League Puig

    crashed into the right field wall at Wrigley, the ball bounced off the padding

    and he caught it

    and the first base umpire called it an out.

    thank God the other umps huddled up after being yelled at by the Cubs

    and they said yeah no, it’s a foul ball.

    there should be no huddle.

    if the Cubs are gonna build a three hundred million dollar scoreboard, show it on that thing.

    let the umps watch it with everyone else. just like we’re doing now.

    “but tony this will extend games by 20 minutes a game!”


    take your time, get the call right, use omg modern day technology.

    there are so few things we can get right the first time, moments after it occurred.

    since when did we become the country who consciously avoided doing what it took to be correct?

    this way, when yasiel puig nearly kills himself bouncing around a 100-year-old brick stadium

    when you tell your friend, omg did you see that catch?

    they’re really seeing a great play. and not a bad call.