nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, January 26, 2015
  2. Saturday, January 24, 2015

    im worried about heaven 

    ernie banks

    the only logical reason for ernie banks to be dead is because God needed Heaven to be happier.

    Ernie Banks, Mr. Cub, was like the sun. he was always there, always warm, and you’d always be glad to see him.

    the skinny shortstop and later first baseman hit 512 home runs without cheating

    and more importantly, with a smile on his face.

    joy is a thing many athletes, and non-athletes, have difficulty expressing at work

    but not Ernie, even when it was no longer his job.

    like all of us, he loved baseball and the world’s most beautiful park, Wrigley Field so much that you could just see it on his face. and that made you love it.

    ernie has been a Cub my entire life, yet i never remember him in bad spirits, or sad, or, omg mad.

    and trust me, there have been many times all Cub fans have had good reasons to be all of those things.

    ernie was the first black baseball player on the Cubs. imagine that. and like Jackie Robinson for the Dodgers, what a spectacular first for the Cubs. a solid athlete, and an absolute gentleman.

    harry, ernie, and ron santo

    for some reason i never thought he would die.

    for some reason i thought that in a year or two when the Cubs finally won the World Series, there would be Ernie in the locker room holding the trophy, having bubbly poured over him

    and him saying

    this is so wonderful, let’s play two today!

    this year, for some reason, the Cubs’ first game is a night game.

    in honor of their most beloved player ever, they should schedule another game before it, in the day time

    and have an Opening Day Night double header

    because Ernie’s right, any day at Wrigley is wonderful,

    and maybe this will please Heaven.

  3. Sunday, August 3, 2014

    cubs came to town to beat the dodgers and the xbi stoked me 


    xbi said why dont you take that tall glass of water up to chavez ravine and sit in our seats


    i said does it include valet parking because even though magic lowered the price, leaving that place is such a mess

    they were all, ugh fine, we’ll send you an uber, which they did which was nice since i dont even work there any more.


    settled down in our seats only to be obstructed by this cute little fella, but the cubs were up so who cares


    certainly not me, amber, chris nor andy. we all had hot dogs and nachos and ice cream and after the game ended we lined up

    so we could get on the field to watch the fireworks

    but when we got to the fence they shut it and locked it and said sorry parks full, moose out front shoulda told ya so.

    and thats when we learned the weirdly cool secret to dodger stadium fireworks nights:


    the parking lot is actually the better place to see the show.


    afterwards we drove to echo park and ate tacos and tried to regain our 20/20 vision and perfect hearing.

    thanks xbi!

  4. Wednesday, July 30, 2014

    back-up catcher pitches and walks his way to longest cub victory in history 

    john baker

    He’s a catcher. Not a pitcher.

    He hasn’t hit a home run in 5 years and hasn’t pitched in over 12.

    Last night at Wrigley Field, 6 hours into the longest game the Cubs have ever played in their 100+ year history, John Baker was called off the bench to pitch the 16th inning.

    And boy did he.

    Not particularly well, compared to actual professional baseball pitchers, but he only walked one batter and promptly coerced the next batter to ground into a double play.

    He ended his inning without giving up a run and when he came up to the plate at the bottom end of the inning, Baker drew a walk and eventually scored the winning run. It was an exclamation point at the end of a historic and wonderfully epic game that meant nothing to the last place teams, but everything to the players and fans who experienced it.

    When it was over his teammates showered him with beer, chocolate milk, shampoo: anything they could pour on him.

    “I think about all the guys I played with who are pitchers who are very good and never got  a chance to pitch in the big leagues,” Baker told reporters after the game.  “My hat is off to all those guys that grinded for so long and never got a chance to pitch.  It’s something I definitely will cherish for a long time.’’

    john-baker-cubsSee kids, that’s class.

    Baker hadn’t pitched since his early days in the minor leagues and remembers that season fondly.

    “It was the Cape Cod League,” he said. “I believe I had like a 27.00 ERA, but I was getting squeezed from what I remember.”

    Last night, however, the exhausted umpires were more forgiving.

    “I shook a split-finger (fastball) and yanked it a little bit,” Baker continued, noting a pitch that veered off closer to Indiana than to the strike zone. “So I just decided I was going to bang it and go with a straight 76 mph heater. That seemed to be the most effective pitch in the game.“

    About 1,000 loyal fans made it to the end of the game and when the catcher/pitcher led off the bottom of the 17th he was greeted with hearty chants of his name.

    Baker walked to lead off the rally in the 17th, he was bunted over to 2nd. he eventually made it to 3rd, and then Cubs star Starlin Castro hit a long drive to right. Baker tagged up and scored the winning run with a mighty slide at home beating the throw. The chants continued and quickly segued into the “Go Cubs Go” victory song.

    “Any Chicagoan’s dream is to be standing at home plate with the remaining people at Wrigley Field chanting your name, so it’s something you’ll never forget,” Baker said.

  5. Wednesday, July 23, 2014

    why is jack white not smiling 

    jack white

    – hes at a Cubs game

    – he doesnt have a magical xbi-issued Cubs hat (lost it? was it stolen?)

    – he is not holding an Old Style

    – he has forgotten that winning is not the point of going to Wrigley Field

    – he is not in the bleachers

    – he is at a night game

    – theres not one black person around him

    – he is just realizing that Harry Caray is no longer the announcer

    – the Cubs are at least two years away from a world series (but probably three)

    – no one knows the words to his new hit single and thus cannot sing along

    – Chicagoans are lovable but keep calling him Jack Black (honest mistake)

  6. Wednesday, July 16, 2014

    ive got a buddy who’s pregnant and the bb is now overdue 

    sweet candleok fine HE’S not pregnant nor does he say “we’re pregnant”

    but you get the idea: his beautiful better half is about to pop and the due date has come and gone.

    i told him i’d light a candle for him

    but the truth is theres only two ways a candle gets lit in Casa Busblog

    1. i didnt realize i put a banana in my sock draw a week ago and now ive got a fruit fly convention in the crib

    2. a fancy lingerie model wants to “set the mood” before giving me a fashion show.

    3. someone destroyed the lavatory and opening a window isn’t doing it.

    so here’s an animated GIF (hard G) for my buddy, his wife, and their forthcoming dependent.

    if i was the baby id be dragging my feet too, but at some point we all have to enter the void.

    or in this infant’s case – exit it.

    bonne chance, mi amigo.

    the best thing about being born right now is you wont have to wait very long to see the Cubs in the World Series.

    which is probably why if it’s a boy you should be named Banks.

    or Starlin Castro.

  7. Sunday, July 6, 2014

    man plays baseball bat violin at cubs game 

    working more than one jobs is something i did in frisco and in college.

    it’s one of the benefits of not have kids.

    in frisco i actually had three jobs: i was a rep for several electronics companies, i had my own business setting up a/v systems in peoples houses, and i worked the box seats selling beer and hotdogs at candlestick for the giants

    the thing i loved the most about the baseball gig was hearing all the different styles of nationals anthems. the most impressive was the dude with the singing saw.

    but today in the nations capital during the cubs nationals game some guy busted with a violin made of a damn baseball bat.

    and not only was he good, he was great.

    somewhere in heaven tom jefferson knocked over his sam adams and said to benjamin franklin now thats what im talking about!

  8. Wednesday, April 23, 2014

    today is Wrigley Field’s birthday, it’s 100 


    when I first was taken there it was love at first sight

    There were no lights.

    There were more versions of green than Eskimos have for snow.

    Even though I was but a lad, I was offered a beer.

    By a man carrying two cases of ice cold Old Style by a leather strap over his shoulders.

    A sole organ provided the musical accompaniment.


    If your mom gave you $10 you could get a bleacher seat for $3, a beer for $5 and a hot dog for $2

    All the games were on free tv, WGN, channel 9.

    Nowadays everything’s different.

    But somehow no matter all the creative ways that everyone’s tried to ruin it, the magic and spirit and soul remains in that very unique park.


    Happy birthday, Wrigley Field,

    The last great ball park where the games would have to stop when the sun went down.

    May the sun forever find it’s way on your ivy.

  9. Thursday, March 27, 2014

    a super star of stage and screen just gchatted me 

    harry carayand said why dont you have any tattoos

    i said omg if the bible allowed tattoos id have so many dumb and weird ones

    for sure id have one for the Daily Nexus

    probably one of my english teacher Robyn

    tons about the cubs, AC/DC, the replacements and Tsar

    probably my moms birthday on my heart

    93117 in gothic across my buff back

    it wouldnt end

    maybe some bukowski quotes like sass has

    screw it, why not a whole poem.

    one behind my neck that says if lost return to 6850 Del Playa

    maybe one on my chest thats a recreation of my drivers license

    a bible verse or three

    a picture of angus young

    maybe on my belly something that looks like tacos going into my large intestine.

    and yes, a tattoo of my kidney right around my faulty kidney

    and of course the harry caray logo on my shoulder right where the cubs had the patch because there was only one harry and i hope people never forget him because we should all have that sort of boundless energy inside of us.

  10. Saturday, November 23, 2013

    mr cub gets the presidential medal of honor 

    ernie banks and obama

    i was so tired last night and not feeling 100% so i didnt go to katies bday party, i stayed home.

    our office is in this old department store thats being renovated and maybe it was the dust that got in my nose?

    maybe it was the gigantic computer screen that i stared at all week?

    maybe it was the change of seasons (aka rain and cold we had the last couple of days)

    who knows but on friday i left work went to the grocery store and while i was on the phone with sass

    i went to the blood pressure machine and it said i was at 177 over 100 or something

    so i figured that katies party would probably be so fun id have a heart attack so i just stayed home

    today i just lazed aboot too and now i feel fantastic which is good because i have to go to this press club awards tomorrow

    my kingdom for two days off in a row. but you should be careful what you ask for.

    im very grateful to be employed again. so grateful i worked a little late last night and today.

    its fun and interesting work so who cares. id work tomorrow too but its against the bible.

    i havent been this happy in a really long time. i think the happiness killed the would be illness.