nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, May 19, 2016


    cubs fowler

    The Cubs just won a game that took 5 hours, where they used every player and pitcher, the catcher threw out four runners, for two tense bases loaded at bats they put five fielders in the infield, their leadoff hitter dove safely at first to beat out a throw in the top of the 12th, Kris Bryant played Left, 3rd and 1st at different parts of the bottom of the 12th, and their pitcher drew a walk with the bases loaded to drive in what would be the winning run. Baseball has always been fun, Bryce.

  2. Tuesday, May 17, 2016

    the year was 1979, i was in 7th grade 


    they had a deal at my grade school that if you made the honor roll you got to go to a Cubs game.

    i did not make the honor roll due to a technicality but my sister did.

    the technicality was i didnt give a flying fuck about the honor roll.

    until i was out on the sod farm with my friends playing baseball that afternoon and we heard on the radio that we had carried out there that the game was 17-6 heading into the bottom of the 4th inning.

    so we grabbed our stuff, got on our bikes and hauled ass to the nearest kids’ house to watch the game.

    it was windy that afternoon which is why the game had so much scoring.

    the phillies were mighty with the likes of Mike Schmidt and Larry Bowa, two of my favorite non-Cubs. Greg Luzinski might have still been on that team too – WHO CAN REMEMBER THAT FAR BACK I WAS BARELY ALIVE.

    the game ended in nailbiter: 23-22. and i wasnt there. the “smart kids” from my school were there. our friends. many of whom couldnta named one Cub if they tried other than Ryne Sandberg

    and it taught me right there and then and stuck with me forever that life isnt fair.

    the phillies will beat the cubs. the non sports fans will go to one of the coolest games ever. that your sister will get things that rightfully belong to you.

    but in the end, life will go on.

    last night i drove a kid, a middle schooler, from a big house in the hollywood hills, to a gated mansion behind two gates in the beverly hills hills called beverly crest.

    as we drove past the security check point i said, you gotta tell me, why is it that kids dont even play in the streets in gated communities? do you really just want to play video games and listen to music?

    he said, all we want to do is play video games.

    and i dropped him off in front of a giant wall. as i turned around i saw him speaking into a speaker box. and as i pulled away i saw the giant gates open and he entered to go inside to play with his friend.

    if Uber was around in 1979, for sure me and my friends would have ubered to that freaking game.

    but life wasnt fair then.

    thankfully it is now.

  3. Monday, May 9, 2016

    when im not volunteering at the soup kitchen 

    anna kournikovasexting anna or fighting crime for the xbi

    i’m doing my best to be a great son.

    so every mothers day i send my mom flowers and a note and she always takes a picture of the bouquet and regardless of its condition she always says

    soooo beautiful!

    whats weird is it’s very difficult for florists in chicago to actually put together a truly beautiful arrangement and deliver it to my mom so every year i try a different place.

    last year i was satisfied. the place got these great tulips together and got them to the crib and all was good in the hood.

    so this year i ordered with plenty of time and the delivery fee was fine and the price was right but

    in my mind

    they said they had to deliver it on Thursday before Mother’s Day which didn’t bother me. because as long as it’s early thats cool.

    so i called my mom yesterday and i said how are the flowers

    she said, there were no flowers.

    and i nearly crashed the helicopter.

    was all Siri, what the fuck

    and Siri was like, bro the flowers wont be there until Tuesday

    i was all, Tuesday? Why Tuesday? and Siri said because thats when you set the order for n word. and i rewinded my memory but it didn’t go that far back and im telling you, i might be losing my mind. in the history of me being my mothers son ive never snet her a Mothers Day gift late, why would i Schedule something to be late?

    it gets worse.

    my mom was all, i know i told you you didnt have to send anything, but i was on my way to the hairdresser and it was Saturday and you hadnt sent anything and I saw an Amazon truck and sometimes you send me weird things and I had never even seen an Amazon truck before so i turned around and asked the man

    is there something in there for me?

    and he said, no.

    worst son in the entire planet!

    but because shes the greatest mom in the world she said, dont worry you can make it up to me when you come out here in the fall.

    i said i can?

    she said yeah, just get me some Cubs tickets and buy the first few rounds of beers.

    which is 100% true. and why i love her so. and why anna has such a hard time getting me to commit.

  4. Wednesday, April 13, 2016

    why i like to sit in the bleachers 

    one day i want to make a tv series, a sit com, about angels in heaven and how they look down and comment and futz around with this or that to make things better

    in one of the episodes i want to explain why wrigley field in chicago was clearly aided by Someone Above

    in part because there isn’t a bad seat in the house

    other than those behind poles

    and how the best seats in the joint are probably the humble backless benches in the bleachers

    i like to sit there because, and no disrespect, but i believe the best fans are there

    in the olden days they used to also be the most frugal, but due to the secret getting out that the bleachers are so unique at wrigley, the same bleacher seats that i used to pay $3 for in high school now go for $64 and can cost three times the price of sitting in the upper deck ($21).

    at dodger stadium the secret isnt out yet so theyve converted the right field bleachers into an all you can eat gorgefest. for as low as $33, but your ticket includes unlimited Dodger Dogs, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, Coke products and bottled water. if i ran the joint id also have people guessing your weight, giving you back scratches, and doling out investment advice, but

    at Wrigley you feel right on top of the players when youre in the bleachers.

    at Dodger Stadium, they dont want you that close. theyre nervous. maybe they should be nervous. everyones trying to be a star in LA.

    in Chicago we already know we’re stars. if youre trying to prove something to people, youre probably an out of towner.

    theres some good seats at Dodger Stadium, but not many, which is why i prefer the bleachers there. at least its fun, theres free food, and you get to meet some colorful fans from the IE

  5. Tuesday, April 12, 2016

    the cubs won their home opener last night 

    addison russel

    i was super busy all day except for during the game and during the game i was frozen

    they were getting no-hit through 6 by a 23 year old nobody

    the Cubs had powered their way through the west averaging 7 runs a game and here they were at home and they couldnt get a hit

    until they could.

    and then they did

    and they came back

    punctuated by a blast from their 22 yr old infielder Addison Russell

    the cubs play their games on the corner of Clark and Addisson, fyi

    after they pulled ahead their closer came on and shut down the whoever it was they were playing


    with a sexy 6-1 record.

    all is good in the world. mostly.

  6. Friday, April 8, 2016

    my favorite player crashed into another player last night 


    and now he’s out for the season.

    he was supposed to be the catcher and occasionally play outfield and DH

    and now he has to watch from the stands

    or from the hospital

    or from florida

    but not from behind the plate.

    life isnt fair.

    we know this.

    if theres one theme from this blog it is life isnt fair.

    it isnt fair that the cubs won 14-6 last night

    and it isnt fair that they will win the world series for the first time in 108 years without their loveable young slugger.

    id cry. but im too sad to cry.

  7. Tuesday, April 5, 2016

    went to the cubs opening day last night 

    great tickets to angels cubs opening day

    todd and i met at the union station bar, traxx, had a couple of warm up beers and took the Angels Express down to Anaheim Stadium

    the Express is probably the greatest value in transportation as it picks you up at DTLA’s gorgeous train station at 5:45 and gets you to the park around 6:30p

    for $7. Round Trip.

    that’ll give you time to get in line, scan your ticket, and realize you accidentally got two tickets for Game TWO of the season and not yesterday which was Opening Day.

    it also gave us time to walk to the front of the park while emailing the dear man who offered the tickets to us for $90 each to acknowledge that indeed they were for Tues, not Monday, and let you off the hook from any responsibility and said he’d find new owners of the seats.

    and weirdly, as soon as that email exchange was complete, we had time to look up and hear a guy say, you two looking for tickets? to which we were offered Club Level waitress serviced perfect seats valued at $140 each for the low price of just $40.

    why? because God loves me and i love Him right back!

    the Cubs promptly shut out the home team 9-0

    and then crushed them again tonight.

    we are good.

  8. Tuesday, March 8, 2016

    a to the z 

    i drove all night through the desert.

    IMG_9329it could be symbolic if you look at things that way.

    it was too quick. was it even a vacation? a long weekend? a spiritual journey to find my Chi?

    parts of arizona are beautiful and fantastic.

    some of it is inauthentic and artificial.

    and some of it is lost and forgotten.

    my room was for a handicapable person. symbolic? the pool was fantastic but hardly anyone was in it.

    kids went nuts because it was big and warm and it had a little waterfall.

    but it had all seen better days. i got the room off Priceline name yr own price which is still my favorite way to book hotels.

    i ate in as many crappy fast food establishments as i could.

    sadly i had to go to walmart in the middle of the night for something that i now forget.

    seeing the cubs was fantastic but the best part was when a native american man in a KC Royals shirt came up to me to ask me about the DH rule in NL parks in spring training.

    we talked for a while complimenting each others teams.

    baseball teams should do a Humans of New York style deal in their instagrams. this guy would have been superb.

    drank an Old Style. ate a Portillos italian beef.

    drove back through the desert to get home. where its cold and drizzly.

    like an entirely different world.

  9. Sunday, March 6, 2016

    theres a couple things nice about arizona 


    theres a lot of space and the weathers nice.

    12821607_10153951176123057_3413603298478623251_nmaybe thats why they built a million baseball parks like it aint no thing.

    today i took a dry run over to where the cubs play now in the spring.

    no more HoHoKam Park, which is where i last saw the Cubs in spring training way back in the day.

    now it’s Sloan Park named after the Chicago company Sloan Valve Co.


    actually Sloan Valve Co has been making something very important for over the last 100 years.

    in 1905 they created the Royal Flushometer, it is the magic that makes a toilet or urinal flush.

    for the first few years sales suffered because people were still using outhouses

    but in 1908, yes THAT 1908, shit went down and Sloan took off and have never looked back.

    so what about these new no-flush urinals, hows Sloan gonna compete against these newfangled environmentally safer piss pots? have no fear, Sloan makes waterless urinals too, so relax.

    Sloan Park can accompany 15,000 fans which is the most of any spring training facility.

    all i know is they sell Portillo’s Italian Beef sandwiches.  let’s see if they still serve Old Style there

  10. im in mesa, arizona 

    in n out

    birthplace of the blues.

    this is where the dreams start. the left side of the rainbow.

    everyone comes to spring training with high hopes and visions of sparkly things.

    except for the cubs.

    i can’t remember one year when march rolled around and i was all

    oh yeah

    look out man

    but this year everythings all butterflies and unicorns and gumdrop trees.

    tomorrow im gonna eat from the gumdrop tree and tell you about it.

    but first, a dip in the magic buttered hot tub.