nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, August 19, 2016

    do i know whats going on with anything? 


    do i even pretend i know whats happening?


    is that why i believe in God?


    is that why i believe in luck?


    is that why i believe you should just practice, be cool, work hard, read, pray, be a gentleman, and when the shit gets crazy

    know that craziness only lasts a short time

    which is also just a theory

    because deep down i dont know shit.

    unless its whispered to me on a summer night

    beneath a shooting star

    or was it a plane

  2. Tuesday, July 26, 2016

    tony, how are we supposed to feel about the new Cubs closer Aroldis Chapman? 

    chapman getting grilled

    tony, besides being ridiculously handsome, and strong, and funny, and talented and wise beyond your years, you know a lot about baseball, particularly about the Cubs, who just traded away their #1 minor league prospect and two other minor leaguers for Aroldis Chapman.

    Chapman is a unicorn in baseball, a tall, strong, lefthanded hurler whose fastball has been clocked as one of the fastest in baseball history

    of the last 61 fastest pitches recorded over the last two years, how many do you think Chapman threw?

    all 61, tony. ALL 61.

    but because nothing comes easy for the Cubs, their signing came with a catch. two of them actually. the first is easy, his contract ends at the end of this year, meaning he could fly away to another team at the end of this season and the Cubs would have merely “rented” him for this home stretch. 

    but the second isn’t so easy. he comes with baggage. Aroldis Chapman was accused by his girlfriend of choking her. he denies it and she never went forward to charge him. but he also admitted to and was later suspended by Major League Baseball for firing his pistol at trashcans inside his garage, alone, after a dispute with his girlfriend (who was inside the house at the time). the police came out but nothing ever was made of it.

    until now that he is in Chicago. some within the Friendly Confines say this “taints” the feel good squad that includes the bromance of Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant (and his dreamy eyes).

    what say you? how do you feel that someone accused of being a girlfriend beater is on your favorite team?

    Curious But Skeptical

    well thats an odd way of framing it, but I’ll bite.

    the last time i checked we still live in the United States of America where not only are you innocent until proven guilty but once you are formally accused you have the right to Due Process, meaning you go to court, and all the evidence comes out and a jury decides whats what.

    the interesting thing about court cases is they sometimes bring about omg facts that were missing in the original account of the alleged crime.

    if you think i am being soft on Chapman because he is a Cub and is probably the missing ingredient for my beloved Cubs finally winning the World Series, you would be way off.

    i was raised in a house of three people: my mom and my sister. if i found out that any man, including a left handed closer with a 105 MPH heater laid hands on either of them I would probably murder the man. on Periscope.

    likewise I think condemning someone without Due Process is also evil. we have a process. it hurts me that more battered women do not always participate in that process, and i do understand why they dont, but we do not have a justice system of “Fuck It He PROBABLY DID IT”. other civilizations have that one and it’s a way bigger nightmare than ours.

    because this is a sensitive situation and we do have SOME evidence, let’s review it and see what we can see.

    Less than a year ago cops came to Chapman’s home in Florida. Lots of people were at his house including his girlfriend and her brother.

    she said

    When police got there the girlfriend said that she FOUND SOMETHING ON HIS PHONE that they started arguing about

    he retrieved the phone and walked to another part of the house. she followed him, still arguing — all of this is her testimony.

    finally he pushes her against the wall and her brother separates them.

    she runs off, hears one gunshot.

    ok from that account is that domestic abuse? domestic violence? or something a little less horrible?

    luckily we have his take too

    he said

    he agrees that they were arguing about his cell phone and its contents.

    he says he poked her pinched her and she dramatically fell to the ground and started yelling, which prompted the brother to come in and push Him to the ground.

    Chapman got up and wanted to drive away but his friends wouldnt let him leave.

    so in the passenger seat, he grabs a gun, locked himself in the garage and starts shooting inside in the garage.

    his friends lock him in his room and the cops came.

    things he’s guilty of:

    you should never put your hands on a woman

    you should never have things on your phone that your girlfriend is gonna get pissed at

    you should never own a gun in florida because those are known to go off – especially during heated arguments

    why are you shooting at things in your garage? bullets ricochet!

    things he is not guilty of:

    when we think of domestic abuse, none of what was written in the police report rises to the level of domestic violence.

    unlike me, Cubs President Theo Epstein is a genius and cares just as much about Team Chemistry as speed of a fastball.

    i seriously don’t think that with all of the talent that the Cubs have to trade for a strong arm that Theo would have traded for Chapman if he thought a) Chapman could actually become a domestic abuser b) thought Champan ever did anything illegal or immoral to his girlfriend or c) is emotionally unstable

    Indeed here is what the young man said yesterday about his girlfriend, who STILL is his girlfriend and who still lives with him


    so enjoy this team and enjoy the Cubs march to many years of triumph.


  3. Monday, July 18, 2016

    dear tony, are you sure you’re not a rock star? 

    tom morello

    let’s see…
    cubs hat: check
    cubs shirt: check
    beautiful cherry wood gibson SG: check
    but i let my axe hang a lot lower than that
    also, the only time i wear a cubs hat and cubs shirt at the same time is at Wrigley Field

    but i do love Tom Morello and Rage and what he wrote in yesterdays LA Times

    is better than anything i ever wrote there times 100

  4. Wednesday, July 6, 2016

    there was a time when the cubs could barely justify one all star 


    yesterday it was announced that they would be sending SEVEN Cubs to San Dieger

    next week for the All Star Game:

    their entire infield, their center fielder

    and their two best pitchers.

    in a perfect world id be going too, but tickets are ridiculously expensive.

    and also i hate san diego and i hope if falls into the sea.

    and also they are making the players wear uniforms reminiscent of the 1984 Padres

    which is on top of my list of reasons for hating san diego

    and hoping it sinks into a sweaty goob of magma.

    but still i would love to go to the game but

    i will instead watch it on tv

    like a proper american

    without having to leave my humble abode.

    (still sorta hoping for magma)

  5. Wednesday, June 29, 2016

    the cubs are going to win the world series 

    stropthe Cubs did something yesterday that ive never seen before, which is saying something because ive watched baseball every day for several decades now.

    it was the 14th inning. game was tied. their pitcher was getting tired so Joe Maddon the genius manager of the Cubs, and my hero, put in a relief pitcher

    but he didnt put him on the mound, he put him in left field.

    he let an out get recorded and then he brought that “left fielder” in to pitch and put the original pitcher in left field.

    another out was recorded and he did the left field / pitcher switch again.

    that way he could do the Lefty/Righty thing

    it totally worked.

    then in the next inning he did a similar thing with a new pitcher. he put Pedro Strop (pictured, above) in LF so he could be used as a pitcher, if needed.

    there was no need because not only were the Reds flabbergasted by this, but their hitters kept trying to push the ball to left field instead of pulling it and their superpowers were taken away.

    it was the most brilliant bit of managing i have ever seen in my life.

    here’s how the professionals wrote about it on MLB.com

    this game was proof that the Cubs will win the World Series because often champs win games like this. tough games. close games. games that losers lose. even though the Cubs are only about .500 in 1-run games i feel like this is a turning point. they believe even more in their skipper now than ever because they too have now seen him do something that most of us have never seen.

    and it worked. and no one challenged it. and the umps even let the pitcher/LF warm up properly and it was entertaining

    and it was solidified by a G-D grand slam by Javy Baez our secret power hitting utility man

    i love this team so much i cant wait to see what happens next.

    update: how some dude on reddit laid it out


  6. Friday, June 3, 2016
  7. Wednesday, June 1, 2016

    cubs lost yesterday, now theyre only 20 games above 500 

    alienswhat ever will they do?

    theyve got this young catcher, 24 years old,

    willson contreras

    he’s in AAA, iowa. a step away from the big leagues.

    he’s ripping the cover off the ball in iowa

    bashed two home runs on sunday. we need bats.

    but the cubs already have three catchers in the big leagues

    david ross who is gonna retire and the end of this year

    miguel montero who is a left hand hitting stud

    and some bozo they never use.

    rational thought would say bring up the young buck and send down the bozo.

    but Theo and Joe seem to know what theyre doing, and like i said theyre 20 games above 500

    the other problem is Jorge Soler, another 24 year old

    Jorge is batting .204 with 5 home runs.

    if it was me, i’d send him down and bring that catcher up.

    but im just a dude in his pajamas and a bathrobe who couldnt give a damn about advanced sabermetrics

    i just think when a guy, especially a young guy, can barely hit above 200

    you send his ass down.

    but ive never understood anything about anything anywhere

    i just spent $60 on Washio to wash one bag of clothes.

    all because they gave me a $20 credit

    because it was memorial day

    and they knew i probably wasnt thinking right.

  8. Thursday, May 19, 2016


    cubs fowler

    The Cubs just won a game that took 5 hours, where they used every player and pitcher, the catcher threw out four runners, for two tense bases loaded at bats they put five fielders in the infield, their leadoff hitter dove safely at first to beat out a throw in the top of the 12th, Kris Bryant played Left, 3rd and 1st at different parts of the bottom of the 12th, and their pitcher drew a walk with the bases loaded to drive in what would be the winning run. Baseball has always been fun, Bryce.

  9. Tuesday, May 17, 2016

    the year was 1979, i was in 7th grade 


    they had a deal at my grade school that if you made the honor roll you got to go to a Cubs game.

    i did not make the honor roll due to a technicality but my sister did.

    the technicality was i didnt give a flying fuck about the honor roll.

    until i was out on the sod farm with my friends playing baseball that afternoon and we heard on the radio that we had carried out there that the game was 17-6 heading into the bottom of the 4th inning.

    so we grabbed our stuff, got on our bikes and hauled ass to the nearest kids’ house to watch the game.

    it was windy that afternoon which is why the game had so much scoring.

    the phillies were mighty with the likes of Mike Schmidt and Larry Bowa, two of my favorite non-Cubs. Greg Luzinski might have still been on that team too – WHO CAN REMEMBER THAT FAR BACK I WAS BARELY ALIVE.

    the game ended in nailbiter: 23-22. and i wasnt there. the “smart kids” from my school were there. our friends. many of whom couldnta named one Cub if they tried other than Ryne Sandberg

    and it taught me right there and then and stuck with me forever that life isnt fair.

    the phillies will beat the cubs. the non sports fans will go to one of the coolest games ever. that your sister will get things that rightfully belong to you.

    but in the end, life will go on.

    last night i drove a kid, a middle schooler, from a big house in the hollywood hills, to a gated mansion behind two gates in the beverly hills hills called beverly crest.

    as we drove past the security check point i said, you gotta tell me, why is it that kids dont even play in the streets in gated communities? do you really just want to play video games and listen to music?

    he said, all we want to do is play video games.

    and i dropped him off in front of a giant wall. as i turned around i saw him speaking into a speaker box. and as i pulled away i saw the giant gates open and he entered to go inside to play with his friend.

    if Uber was around in 1979, for sure me and my friends would have ubered to that freaking game.

    but life wasnt fair then.

    thankfully it is now.

  10. Monday, May 9, 2016

    when im not volunteering at the soup kitchen 

    anna kournikovasexting anna or fighting crime for the xbi

    i’m doing my best to be a great son.

    so every mothers day i send my mom flowers and a note and she always takes a picture of the bouquet and regardless of its condition she always says

    soooo beautiful!

    whats weird is it’s very difficult for florists in chicago to actually put together a truly beautiful arrangement and deliver it to my mom so every year i try a different place.

    last year i was satisfied. the place got these great tulips together and got them to the crib and all was good in the hood.

    so this year i ordered with plenty of time and the delivery fee was fine and the price was right but

    in my mind

    they said they had to deliver it on Thursday before Mother’s Day which didn’t bother me. because as long as it’s early thats cool.

    so i called my mom yesterday and i said how are the flowers

    she said, there were no flowers.

    and i nearly crashed the helicopter.

    was all Siri, what the fuck

    and Siri was like, bro the flowers wont be there until Tuesday

    i was all, Tuesday? Why Tuesday? and Siri said because thats when you set the order for n word. and i rewinded my memory but it didn’t go that far back and im telling you, i might be losing my mind. in the history of me being my mothers son ive never snet her a Mothers Day gift late, why would i Schedule something to be late?

    it gets worse.

    my mom was all, i know i told you you didnt have to send anything, but i was on my way to the hairdresser and it was Saturday and you hadnt sent anything and I saw an Amazon truck and sometimes you send me weird things and I had never even seen an Amazon truck before so i turned around and asked the man

    is there something in there for me?

    and he said, no.

    worst son in the entire planet!

    but because shes the greatest mom in the world she said, dont worry you can make it up to me when you come out here in the fall.

    i said i can?

    she said yeah, just get me some Cubs tickets and buy the first few rounds of beers.

    which is 100% true. and why i love her so. and why anna has such a hard time getting me to commit.