nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, July 30, 2014

    back-up catcher pitches and walks his way to longest cub victory in history 

    john baker

    He’s a catcher. Not a pitcher.

    He hasn’t hit a home run in 5 years and hasn’t pitched in over 12.

    Last night at Wrigley Field, 6 hours into the longest game the Cubs have ever played in their 100+ year history, John Baker was called off the bench to pitch the 16th inning.

    And boy did he.

    Not particularly well, compared to actual professional baseball pitchers, but he only walked one batter and promptly coerced the next batter to ground into a double play.

    He ended his inning without giving up a run and when he came up to the plate at the bottom end of the inning, Baker drew a walk and eventually scored the winning run. It was an exclamation point at the end of a historic and wonderfully epic game that meant nothing to the last place teams, but everything to the players and fans who experienced it.

    When it was over his teammates showered him with beer, chocolate milk, shampoo: anything they could pour on him.

    “I think about all the guys I played with who are pitchers who are very good and never got  a chance to pitch in the big leagues,” Baker told reporters after the game.  “My hat is off to all those guys that grinded for so long and never got a chance to pitch.  It’s something I definitely will cherish for a long time.’’

    john-baker-cubsSee kids, that’s class.

    Baker hadn’t pitched since his early days in the minor leagues and remembers that season fondly.

    “It was the Cape Cod League,” he said. “I believe I had like a 27.00 ERA, but I was getting squeezed from what I remember.”

    Last night, however, the exhausted umpires were more forgiving.

    “I shook a split-finger (fastball) and yanked it a little bit,” Baker continued, noting a pitch that veered off closer to Indiana than to the strike zone. “So I just decided I was going to bang it and go with a straight 76 mph heater. That seemed to be the most effective pitch in the game.“

    About 1,000 loyal fans made it to the end of the game and when the catcher/pitcher led off the bottom of the 17th he was greeted with hearty chants of his name.

    Baker walked to lead off the rally in the 17th, he was bunted over to 2nd. he eventually made it to 3rd, and then Cubs star Starlin Castro hit a long drive to right. Baker tagged up and scored the winning run with a mighty slide at home beating the throw. The chants continued and quickly segued into the “Go Cubs Go” victory song.

    “Any Chicagoan’s dream is to be standing at home plate with the remaining people at Wrigley Field chanting your name, so it’s something you’ll never forget,” Baker said.

  2. Wednesday, July 23, 2014

    why is jack white not smiling 

    jack white

    - hes at a Cubs game

    - he doesnt have a magical xbi-issued Cubs hat (lost it? was it stolen?)

    - he is not holding an Old Style

    - he has forgotten that winning is not the point of going to Wrigley Field

    - he is not in the bleachers

    - he is at a night game

    - theres not one black person around him

    - he is just realizing that Harry Caray is no longer the announcer

    - the Cubs are at least two years away from a world series (but probably three)

    - no one knows the words to his new hit single and thus cannot sing along

    - Chicagoans are lovable but keep calling him Jack Black (honest mistake)

  3. Wednesday, July 16, 2014

    ive got a buddy who’s pregnant and the bb is now overdue 

    sweet candleok fine HE’S not pregnant nor does he say “we’re pregnant”

    but you get the idea: his beautiful better half is about to pop and the due date has come and gone.

    i told him i’d light a candle for him

    but the truth is theres only two ways a candle gets lit in Casa Busblog

    1. i didnt realize i put a banana in my sock draw a week ago and now ive got a fruit fly convention in the crib

    2. a fancy lingerie model wants to “set the mood” before giving me a fashion show.

    3. someone destroyed the lavatory and opening a window isn’t doing it.

    so here’s an animated GIF (hard G) for my buddy, his wife, and their forthcoming dependent.

    if i was the baby id be dragging my feet too, but at some point we all have to enter the void.

    or in this infant’s case – exit it.

    bonne chance, mi amigo.

    the best thing about being born right now is you wont have to wait very long to see the Cubs in the World Series.

    which is probably why if it’s a boy you should be named Banks.

    or Starlin Castro.

  4. Sunday, July 6, 2014

    man plays baseball bat violin at cubs game 

    working more than one jobs is something i did in frisco and in college.

    it’s one of the benefits of not have kids.

    in frisco i actually had three jobs: i was a rep for several electronics companies, i had my own business setting up a/v systems in peoples houses, and i worked the box seats selling beer and hotdogs at candlestick for the giants

    the thing i loved the most about the baseball gig was hearing all the different styles of nationals anthems. the most impressive was the dude with the singing saw.

    but today in the nations capital during the cubs nationals game some guy busted with a violin made of a damn baseball bat.

    and not only was he good, he was great.

    somewhere in heaven tom jefferson knocked over his sam adams and said to benjamin franklin now thats what im talking about!

  5. Thursday, March 27, 2014

    a super star of stage and screen just gchatted me 

    harry carayand said why dont you have any tattoos

    i said omg if the bible allowed tattoos id have so many dumb and weird ones

    for sure id have one for the Daily Nexus

    probably one of my english teacher Robyn

    tons about the cubs, AC/DC, the replacements and Tsar

    probably my moms birthday on my heart

    93117 in gothic across my buff back

    it wouldnt end

    maybe some bukowski quotes like sass has

    screw it, why not a whole poem.

    one behind my neck that says if lost return to 6850 Del Playa

    maybe one on my chest thats a recreation of my drivers license

    a bible verse or three

    a picture of angus young

    maybe on my belly something that looks like tacos going into my large intestine.

    and yes, a tattoo of my kidney right around my faulty kidney

    and of course the harry caray logo on my shoulder right where the cubs had the patch because there was only one harry and i hope people never forget him because we should all have that sort of boundless energy inside of us.

  6. Saturday, November 23, 2013

    mr cub gets the presidential medal of honor 

    ernie banks and obama

    i was so tired last night and not feeling 100% so i didnt go to katies bday party, i stayed home.

    our office is in this old department store thats being renovated and maybe it was the dust that got in my nose?

    maybe it was the gigantic computer screen that i stared at all week?

    maybe it was the change of seasons (aka rain and cold we had the last couple of days)

    who knows but on friday i left work went to the grocery store and while i was on the phone with sass

    i went to the blood pressure machine and it said i was at 177 over 100 or something

    so i figured that katies party would probably be so fun id have a heart attack so i just stayed home

    today i just lazed aboot too and now i feel fantastic which is good because i have to go to this press club awards tomorrow

    my kingdom for two days off in a row. but you should be careful what you ask for.

    im very grateful to be employed again. so grateful i worked a little late last night and today.

    its fun and interesting work so who cares. id work tomorrow too but its against the bible.

    i havent been this happy in a really long time. i think the happiness killed the would be illness.

  7. Monday, November 4, 2013
  8. Saturday, September 28, 2013
  9. Saturday, September 14, 2013
  10. Wednesday, August 28, 2013

    today the cubs and the dodgers played LA’s only weekday day-game of the year 

    santo fan in dodger stadium

    other than opening day, that is.

    national anthem and its 92

    why they chose to do it in late august is beyond me, as while the little girl sang the anthem

    it was already 92 degrees

    in the shade

    nice mexican music

    wanna know something nice the dodgers do?

    i complain a lot, i realize that, but hopefully i also praise

    the dodgers have a huge latino audience. and many of their players are from south of the border

    today when the dodgers took the field the PA blasted “El Rey” by vicente fernandez.

    the crowd of “38,000″ cheered happily.

    some places say they care about the Latino audience, but i dont see them playing no vicente fernandez

    when they wanna get the party started.

    stadium club bar

    too hot so i went to the stadium club bar


    loitered around the $38 all you can eat buffet

    fresh foods

    everything seemed to fresh and natural for my good

    dodger dogs

    all i really wanted was a dodger dog, but tomorrows my cheat day, not today

    more bar

    plus drinking is fattening enough. funny story

    when i went to the beer vender lady she said right away Firestone

    i said Firestone IPA please.

    she said, see, no Cub fan order Coor Light.

    and pointed at my Cubs hat.

    bree kayla soft serve helmets

    while i was hiding in the stadium club bree was ordering a chocolate soft serve in a batting helmet at the taqueria

    little did we know when we were standing in the breezy breezeway that little league puig was being benched

    right then for being too much of a space cadet

    stolen base

    we walked past this stand that sells game used dodger crap and i was all

    too bad im poor, i might have to steal that base

    balls for twenty five

    but because i was raised right i kept my jokes about the $25 balls to myself.