nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, June 29, 2016

    the cubs are going to win the world series 

    stropthe Cubs did something yesterday that ive never seen before, which is saying something because ive watched baseball every day for several decades now.

    it was the 14th inning. game was tied. their pitcher was getting tired so Joe Maddon the genius manager of the Cubs, and my hero, put in a relief pitcher

    but he didnt put him on the mound, he put him in left field.

    he let an out get recorded and then he brought that “left fielder” in to pitch and put the original pitcher in left field.

    another out was recorded and he did the left field / pitcher switch again.

    that way he could do the Lefty/Righty thing

    it totally worked.

    then in the next inning he did a similar thing with a new pitcher. he put Pedro Strop (pictured, above) in LF so he could be used as a pitcher, if needed.

    there was no need because not only were the Reds flabbergasted by this, but their hitters kept trying to push the ball to left field instead of pulling it and their superpowers were taken away.

    it was the most brilliant bit of managing i have ever seen in my life.

    here’s how the professionals wrote about it on MLB.com

    this game was proof that the Cubs will win the World Series because often champs win games like this. tough games. close games. games that losers lose. even though the Cubs are only about .500 in 1-run games i feel like this is a turning point. they believe even more in their skipper now than ever because they too have now seen him do something that most of us have never seen.

    and it worked. and no one challenged it. and the umps even let the pitcher/LF warm up properly and it was entertaining

    and it was solidified by a G-D grand slam by Javy Baez our secret power hitting utility man

    i love this team so much i cant wait to see what happens next.

    update: how some dude on reddit laid it out


  2. Friday, June 3, 2016
  3. Wednesday, June 1, 2016

    cubs lost yesterday, now theyre only 20 games above 500 

    alienswhat ever will they do?

    theyve got this young catcher, 24 years old,

    willson contreras

    he’s in AAA, iowa. a step away from the big leagues.

    he’s ripping the cover off the ball in iowa

    bashed two home runs on sunday. we need bats.

    but the cubs already have three catchers in the big leagues

    david ross who is gonna retire and the end of this year

    miguel montero who is a left hand hitting stud

    and some bozo they never use.

    rational thought would say bring up the young buck and send down the bozo.

    but Theo and Joe seem to know what theyre doing, and like i said theyre 20 games above 500

    the other problem is Jorge Soler, another 24 year old

    Jorge is batting .204 with 5 home runs.

    if it was me, i’d send him down and bring that catcher up.

    but im just a dude in his pajamas and a bathrobe who couldnt give a damn about advanced sabermetrics

    i just think when a guy, especially a young guy, can barely hit above 200

    you send his ass down.

    but ive never understood anything about anything anywhere

    i just spent $60 on Washio to wash one bag of clothes.

    all because they gave me a $20 credit

    because it was memorial day

    and they knew i probably wasnt thinking right.

  4. Thursday, May 19, 2016


    cubs fowler

    The Cubs just won a game that took 5 hours, where they used every player and pitcher, the catcher threw out four runners, for two tense bases loaded at bats they put five fielders in the infield, their leadoff hitter dove safely at first to beat out a throw in the top of the 12th, Kris Bryant played Left, 3rd and 1st at different parts of the bottom of the 12th, and their pitcher drew a walk with the bases loaded to drive in what would be the winning run. Baseball has always been fun, Bryce.

  5. Tuesday, May 17, 2016

    the year was 1979, i was in 7th grade 


    they had a deal at my grade school that if you made the honor roll you got to go to a Cubs game.

    i did not make the honor roll due to a technicality but my sister did.

    the technicality was i didnt give a flying fuck about the honor roll.

    until i was out on the sod farm with my friends playing baseball that afternoon and we heard on the radio that we had carried out there that the game was 17-6 heading into the bottom of the 4th inning.

    so we grabbed our stuff, got on our bikes and hauled ass to the nearest kids’ house to watch the game.

    it was windy that afternoon which is why the game had so much scoring.

    the phillies were mighty with the likes of Mike Schmidt and Larry Bowa, two of my favorite non-Cubs. Greg Luzinski might have still been on that team too – WHO CAN REMEMBER THAT FAR BACK I WAS BARELY ALIVE.

    the game ended in nailbiter: 23-22. and i wasnt there. the “smart kids” from my school were there. our friends. many of whom couldnta named one Cub if they tried other than Ryne Sandberg

    and it taught me right there and then and stuck with me forever that life isnt fair.

    the phillies will beat the cubs. the non sports fans will go to one of the coolest games ever. that your sister will get things that rightfully belong to you.

    but in the end, life will go on.

    last night i drove a kid, a middle schooler, from a big house in the hollywood hills, to a gated mansion behind two gates in the beverly hills hills called beverly crest.

    as we drove past the security check point i said, you gotta tell me, why is it that kids dont even play in the streets in gated communities? do you really just want to play video games and listen to music?

    he said, all we want to do is play video games.

    and i dropped him off in front of a giant wall. as i turned around i saw him speaking into a speaker box. and as i pulled away i saw the giant gates open and he entered to go inside to play with his friend.

    if Uber was around in 1979, for sure me and my friends would have ubered to that freaking game.

    but life wasnt fair then.

    thankfully it is now.

  6. Monday, May 9, 2016

    when im not volunteering at the soup kitchen 

    anna kournikovasexting anna or fighting crime for the xbi

    i’m doing my best to be a great son.

    so every mothers day i send my mom flowers and a note and she always takes a picture of the bouquet and regardless of its condition she always says

    soooo beautiful!

    whats weird is it’s very difficult for florists in chicago to actually put together a truly beautiful arrangement and deliver it to my mom so every year i try a different place.

    last year i was satisfied. the place got these great tulips together and got them to the crib and all was good in the hood.

    so this year i ordered with plenty of time and the delivery fee was fine and the price was right but

    in my mind

    they said they had to deliver it on Thursday before Mother’s Day which didn’t bother me. because as long as it’s early thats cool.

    so i called my mom yesterday and i said how are the flowers

    she said, there were no flowers.

    and i nearly crashed the helicopter.

    was all Siri, what the fuck

    and Siri was like, bro the flowers wont be there until Tuesday

    i was all, Tuesday? Why Tuesday? and Siri said because thats when you set the order for n word. and i rewinded my memory but it didn’t go that far back and im telling you, i might be losing my mind. in the history of me being my mothers son ive never snet her a Mothers Day gift late, why would i Schedule something to be late?

    it gets worse.

    my mom was all, i know i told you you didnt have to send anything, but i was on my way to the hairdresser and it was Saturday and you hadnt sent anything and I saw an Amazon truck and sometimes you send me weird things and I had never even seen an Amazon truck before so i turned around and asked the man

    is there something in there for me?

    and he said, no.

    worst son in the entire planet!

    but because shes the greatest mom in the world she said, dont worry you can make it up to me when you come out here in the fall.

    i said i can?

    she said yeah, just get me some Cubs tickets and buy the first few rounds of beers.

    which is 100% true. and why i love her so. and why anna has such a hard time getting me to commit.

  7. Wednesday, April 13, 2016

    why i like to sit in the bleachers 

    one day i want to make a tv series, a sit com, about angels in heaven and how they look down and comment and futz around with this or that to make things better

    in one of the episodes i want to explain why wrigley field in chicago was clearly aided by Someone Above

    in part because there isn’t a bad seat in the house

    other than those behind poles

    and how the best seats in the joint are probably the humble backless benches in the bleachers

    i like to sit there because, and no disrespect, but i believe the best fans are there

    in the olden days they used to also be the most frugal, but due to the secret getting out that the bleachers are so unique at wrigley, the same bleacher seats that i used to pay $3 for in high school now go for $64 and can cost three times the price of sitting in the upper deck ($21).

    at dodger stadium the secret isnt out yet so theyve converted the right field bleachers into an all you can eat gorgefest. for as low as $33, but your ticket includes unlimited Dodger Dogs, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, Coke products and bottled water. if i ran the joint id also have people guessing your weight, giving you back scratches, and doling out investment advice, but

    at Wrigley you feel right on top of the players when youre in the bleachers.

    at Dodger Stadium, they dont want you that close. theyre nervous. maybe they should be nervous. everyones trying to be a star in LA.

    in Chicago we already know we’re stars. if youre trying to prove something to people, youre probably an out of towner.

    theres some good seats at Dodger Stadium, but not many, which is why i prefer the bleachers there. at least its fun, theres free food, and you get to meet some colorful fans from the IE

  8. Tuesday, April 12, 2016

    the cubs won their home opener last night 

    addison russel

    i was super busy all day except for during the game and during the game i was frozen

    they were getting no-hit through 6 by a 23 year old nobody

    the Cubs had powered their way through the west averaging 7 runs a game and here they were at home and they couldnt get a hit

    until they could.

    and then they did

    and they came back

    punctuated by a blast from their 22 yr old infielder Addison Russell

    the cubs play their games on the corner of Clark and Addisson, fyi

    after they pulled ahead their closer came on and shut down the whoever it was they were playing


    with a sexy 6-1 record.

    all is good in the world. mostly.

  9. Friday, April 8, 2016

    my favorite player crashed into another player last night 


    and now he’s out for the season.

    he was supposed to be the catcher and occasionally play outfield and DH

    and now he has to watch from the stands

    or from the hospital

    or from florida

    but not from behind the plate.

    life isnt fair.

    we know this.

    if theres one theme from this blog it is life isnt fair.

    it isnt fair that the cubs won 14-6 last night

    and it isnt fair that they will win the world series for the first time in 108 years without their loveable young slugger.

    id cry. but im too sad to cry.

  10. Tuesday, April 5, 2016

    went to the cubs opening day last night 

    great tickets to angels cubs opening day

    todd and i met at the union station bar, traxx, had a couple of warm up beers and took the Angels Express down to Anaheim Stadium

    the Express is probably the greatest value in transportation as it picks you up at DTLA’s gorgeous train station at 5:45 and gets you to the park around 6:30p

    for $7. Round Trip.

    that’ll give you time to get in line, scan your ticket, and realize you accidentally got two tickets for Game TWO of the season and not yesterday which was Opening Day.

    it also gave us time to walk to the front of the park while emailing the dear man who offered the tickets to us for $90 each to acknowledge that indeed they were for Tues, not Monday, and let you off the hook from any responsibility and said he’d find new owners of the seats.

    and weirdly, as soon as that email exchange was complete, we had time to look up and hear a guy say, you two looking for tickets? to which we were offered Club Level waitress serviced perfect seats valued at $140 each for the low price of just $40.

    why? because God loves me and i love Him right back!

    the Cubs promptly shut out the home team 9-0

    and then crushed them again tonight.

    we are good.