nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, April 14, 2015

    the cubs are in first place for the first time since 2009 

    first place

    sure the season just started but who cares, it’s the season.

    but more importantly it blows away all the critics whines about the team not putting phenom kris bryant on the opening day roster.

    the 20 yr old third baseman crushed 45 homers last year in the minors and blasted nine in spring training. of course he should be playing in the big leagues, but because of the rules of baseball, the kris bryantCubs will gain an extra year of “control” over bryant if they simply wait till the end of the month to call him up.

    so of course they sent him to Iowa after breaking camp. do you just give away millions of dollars?

    whiners like curt schilling were all, but what if the cubs miss the playoffs by a game or two and bryant could have been the difference in those early april games?

    well guess what, the cubs are in first place

    the plan is working.

    bryant will be called up when he’s supposed to and the cubs will still probably miss the playoffs.

    they are the cubs.

    this is not the year.

    next year, we’ve been telling you forever, is.

  2. Monday, April 6, 2015
  3. Wednesday, March 18, 2015

    xbi was all, we need you in Chicago 

    cubs season tix

    i was all, are you getting high off your own supply?

    they were like, what would it take to get you to move there?

    i said, season tickets to the cubs, pay off my mom’s mortgage

    and make sure the average temperature is 69 degrees, you know, like how it is here in LA


    they said we can do the first two and thanks to the GOP, the third request is coming along.

    i said, great, when it has arrived, if there’s still ozone, lemme know.

    today i receieved the above. and i must say, it was tempting.

    i shouldnta opened the box.

  4. Thursday, February 12, 2015

    went to carmax last night to buy a mercedes 

    tvCcTnvi dont really care for mercedeses but i want to drive for the higher class uber because basic uber is for basics

    got there met a nice guy who’d been there five years (take a break already!) and together we stumbled into a row of Infinitis

    theyre faster cooler and cheaper than mercedeses and i was sold on one that only had 9k miles.

    when we start crunching the numbers we realize i owe more on my current car than its worth

    because somehow, for some reason, my current ford hybrid has lost nearly half of its value in just over a year!

    meaning i will have to finance about $5k of my current loan into my new loan

    and, little did i know, but even ppl with good credit, like me, can expect to pay 6% interest on used cars.

    meaning my car payment with the infiniti would be about $200 a month more than what i currently pay

    and even though if everything goes right i would be making about $800 a month more driving in the luxury tier

    it would suck to give back 1/4 of that just on a car payment.

    especially because who knows how long i can make $800 more than i am currently making on uber

    and who really wants a $620 car note?

    so now im thinking about getting a cheaper car, which is ok, i dont care, i dont care about anything really

    except who is gonna get me world series tickets in a year and a half.

    at wrigley field.

    but i do know this, friends.

    i am gonna see AC/DC at the friendly confines this september.

    hopefully with my mom and niece and nephew bc who knows how long theyve got to rock.

  5. Thursday, February 5, 2015

    today it was almost too hot outside 

    tumblr_miw327dPSF1rionq1o1_500i walked to the drug store to make sure i had a lottery ticket.

    as i walked i thought about all the things i would buy and who has been good to me and who would be annoying and how throwing money at those problems would help me move on to what i really wanted:

    a malibu beach house and a submarine.

    id wanna buy the apartment building ive been living in for the last 14 years and give my upstairs neighbor free rent and ask her to be the manager of the building.

    id also give my other neighbor free rent because her voice soothes me for some reason. shes very feminine and positive.

    got to the drug store and bought the cheapest turkey and cheese sandwich alive.

    thought about getting some Blueberry juice for $4 but figured water would be just as good.

    id open a record store and a roller rink.

    id secretly make them both non profits and give the money to charity.

    id start a record label and put out Tsar records, id open a soul food restaurant in beverly hills called Grady’s

    it would also be a secret non profit.

    id open a drive in somewhere. and a few arcades. you know, all the things bound to lose money but so what.

    id have some money making schemes to keep my empire afloat: baseball cards of homeless people and porn stars.

    bacon and egg brunch joints.

    tv shows for brown people.

    and of course a Church of Rock franchise.

    when i got back to the office i was perspiring a little and took off my Cubs hat.

    pretty much i just wanna buy a mansion for my momma and a plane for me so i could commute to wrigley to watch the cubs do the thing we’ve been waiting forever for them to do.

    would pretty much need a chicago girlfriend somehow.

    that would probably be harder than to win the lottery though seeing as im stuck here in LA sweating under palm trees in February.

  6. Monday, January 26, 2015
  7. Saturday, January 24, 2015

    im worried about heaven 

    ernie banks

    the only logical reason for ernie banks to be dead is because God needed Heaven to be happier.

    Ernie Banks, Mr. Cub, was like the sun. he was always there, always warm, and you’d always be glad to see him.

    the skinny shortstop and later first baseman hit 512 home runs without cheating

    and more importantly, with a smile on his face.

    joy is a thing many athletes, and non-athletes, have difficulty expressing at work

    but not Ernie, even when it was no longer his job.

    like all of us, he loved baseball and the world’s most beautiful park, Wrigley Field so much that you could just see it on his face. and that made you love it.

    ernie has been a Cub my entire life, yet i never remember him in bad spirits, or sad, or, omg mad.

    and trust me, there have been many times all Cub fans have had good reasons to be all of those things.

    ernie was the first black baseball player on the Cubs. imagine that. and like Jackie Robinson for the Dodgers, what a spectacular first for the Cubs. a solid athlete, and an absolute gentleman.

    harry, ernie, and ron santo

    for some reason i never thought he would die.

    for some reason i thought that in a year or two when the Cubs finally won the World Series, there would be Ernie in the locker room holding the trophy, having bubbly poured over him

    and him saying

    this is so wonderful, let’s play two today!

    this year, for some reason, the Cubs’ first game is a night game.

    in honor of their most beloved player ever, they should schedule another game before it, in the day time

    and have an Opening Day Night double header

    because Ernie’s right, any day at Wrigley is wonderful,

    and maybe this will please Heaven.

  8. Sunday, August 3, 2014

    cubs came to town to beat the dodgers and the xbi stoked me 


    xbi said why dont you take that tall glass of water up to chavez ravine and sit in our seats


    i said does it include valet parking because even though magic lowered the price, leaving that place is such a mess

    they were all, ugh fine, we’ll send you an uber, which they did which was nice since i dont even work there any more.


    settled down in our seats only to be obstructed by this cute little fella, but the cubs were up so who cares


    certainly not me, amber, chris nor andy. we all had hot dogs and nachos and ice cream and after the game ended we lined up

    so we could get on the field to watch the fireworks

    but when we got to the fence they shut it and locked it and said sorry parks full, moose out front shoulda told ya so.

    and thats when we learned the weirdly cool secret to dodger stadium fireworks nights:


    the parking lot is actually the better place to see the show.


    afterwards we drove to echo park and ate tacos and tried to regain our 20/20 vision and perfect hearing.

    thanks xbi!

  9. Wednesday, July 30, 2014

    back-up catcher pitches and walks his way to longest cub victory in history 

    john baker

    He’s a catcher. Not a pitcher.

    He hasn’t hit a home run in 5 years and hasn’t pitched in over 12.

    Last night at Wrigley Field, 6 hours into the longest game the Cubs have ever played in their 100+ year history, John Baker was called off the bench to pitch the 16th inning.

    And boy did he.

    Not particularly well, compared to actual professional baseball pitchers, but he only walked one batter and promptly coerced the next batter to ground into a double play.

    He ended his inning without giving up a run and when he came up to the plate at the bottom end of the inning, Baker drew a walk and eventually scored the winning run. It was an exclamation point at the end of a historic and wonderfully epic game that meant nothing to the last place teams, but everything to the players and fans who experienced it.

    When it was over his teammates showered him with beer, chocolate milk, shampoo: anything they could pour on him.

    “I think about all the guys I played with who are pitchers who are very good and never got  a chance to pitch in the big leagues,” Baker told reporters after the game.  “My hat is off to all those guys that grinded for so long and never got a chance to pitch.  It’s something I definitely will cherish for a long time.’’

    john-baker-cubsSee kids, that’s class.

    Baker hadn’t pitched since his early days in the minor leagues and remembers that season fondly.

    “It was the Cape Cod League,” he said. “I believe I had like a 27.00 ERA, but I was getting squeezed from what I remember.”

    Last night, however, the exhausted umpires were more forgiving.

    “I shook a split-finger (fastball) and yanked it a little bit,” Baker continued, noting a pitch that veered off closer to Indiana than to the strike zone. “So I just decided I was going to bang it and go with a straight 76 mph heater. That seemed to be the most effective pitch in the game.“

    About 1,000 loyal fans made it to the end of the game and when the catcher/pitcher led off the bottom of the 17th he was greeted with hearty chants of his name.

    Baker walked to lead off the rally in the 17th, he was bunted over to 2nd. he eventually made it to 3rd, and then Cubs star Starlin Castro hit a long drive to right. Baker tagged up and scored the winning run with a mighty slide at home beating the throw. The chants continued and quickly segued into the “Go Cubs Go” victory song.

    “Any Chicagoan’s dream is to be standing at home plate with the remaining people at Wrigley Field chanting your name, so it’s something you’ll never forget,” Baker said.

  10. Wednesday, July 23, 2014

    why is jack white not smiling 

    jack white

    – hes at a Cubs game

    – he doesnt have a magical xbi-issued Cubs hat (lost it? was it stolen?)

    – he is not holding an Old Style

    – he has forgotten that winning is not the point of going to Wrigley Field

    – he is not in the bleachers

    – he is at a night game

    – theres not one black person around him

    – he is just realizing that Harry Caray is no longer the announcer

    – the Cubs are at least two years away from a world series (but probably three)

    – no one knows the words to his new hit single and thus cannot sing along

    – Chicagoans are lovable but keep calling him Jack Black (honest mistake)