nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 13, 2016

    why i like to sit in the bleachers 

    one day i want to make a tv series, a sit com, about angels in heaven and how they look down and comment and futz around with this or that to make things better

    in one of the episodes i want to explain why wrigley field in chicago was clearly aided by Someone Above

    in part because there isn’t a bad seat in the house

    other than those behind poles

    and how the best seats in the joint are probably the humble backless benches in the bleachers

    i like to sit there because, and no disrespect, but i believe the best fans are there

    in the olden days they used to also be the most frugal, but due to the secret getting out that the bleachers are so unique at wrigley, the same bleacher seats that i used to pay $3 for in high school now go for $64 and can cost three times the price of sitting in the upper deck ($21).

    at dodger stadium the secret isnt out yet so theyve converted the right field bleachers into an all you can eat gorgefest. for as low as $33, but your ticket includes unlimited Dodger Dogs, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, Coke products and bottled water. if i ran the joint id also have people guessing your weight, giving you back scratches, and doling out investment advice, but

    at Wrigley you feel right on top of the players when youre in the bleachers.

    at Dodger Stadium, they dont want you that close. theyre nervous. maybe they should be nervous. everyones trying to be a star in LA.

    in Chicago we already know we’re stars. if youre trying to prove something to people, youre probably an out of towner.

    theres some good seats at Dodger Stadium, but not many, which is why i prefer the bleachers there. at least its fun, theres free food, and you get to meet some colorful fans from the IE

  2. Tuesday, April 12, 2016

    the cubs won their home opener last night 

    addison russel

    i was super busy all day except for during the game and during the game i was frozen

    they were getting no-hit through 6 by a 23 year old nobody

    the Cubs had powered their way through the west averaging 7 runs a game and here they were at home and they couldnt get a hit

    until they could.

    and then they did

    and they came back

    punctuated by a blast from their 22 yr old infielder Addison Russell

    the cubs play their games on the corner of Clark and Addisson, fyi

    after they pulled ahead their closer came on and shut down the whoever it was they were playing


    with a sexy 6-1 record.

    all is good in the world. mostly.

  3. Friday, April 8, 2016

    my favorite player crashed into another player last night 


    and now he’s out for the season.

    he was supposed to be the catcher and occasionally play outfield and DH

    and now he has to watch from the stands

    or from the hospital

    or from florida

    but not from behind the plate.

    life isnt fair.

    we know this.

    if theres one theme from this blog it is life isnt fair.

    it isnt fair that the cubs won 14-6 last night

    and it isnt fair that they will win the world series for the first time in 108 years without their loveable young slugger.

    id cry. but im too sad to cry.

  4. Tuesday, April 5, 2016

    went to the cubs opening day last night 

    great tickets to angels cubs opening day

    todd and i met at the union station bar, traxx, had a couple of warm up beers and took the Angels Express down to Anaheim Stadium

    the Express is probably the greatest value in transportation as it picks you up at DTLA’s gorgeous train station at 5:45 and gets you to the park around 6:30p

    for $7. Round Trip.

    that’ll give you time to get in line, scan your ticket, and realize you accidentally got two tickets for Game TWO of the season and not yesterday which was Opening Day.

    it also gave us time to walk to the front of the park while emailing the dear man who offered the tickets to us for $90 each to acknowledge that indeed they were for Tues, not Monday, and let you off the hook from any responsibility and said he’d find new owners of the seats.

    and weirdly, as soon as that email exchange was complete, we had time to look up and hear a guy say, you two looking for tickets? to which we were offered Club Level waitress serviced perfect seats valued at $140 each for the low price of just $40.

    why? because God loves me and i love Him right back!

    the Cubs promptly shut out the home team 9-0

    and then crushed them again tonight.

    we are good.

  5. Tuesday, March 8, 2016

    a to the z 

    i drove all night through the desert.

    IMG_9329it could be symbolic if you look at things that way.

    it was too quick. was it even a vacation? a long weekend? a spiritual journey to find my Chi?

    parts of arizona are beautiful and fantastic.

    some of it is inauthentic and artificial.

    and some of it is lost and forgotten.

    my room was for a handicapable person. symbolic? the pool was fantastic but hardly anyone was in it.

    kids went nuts because it was big and warm and it had a little waterfall.

    but it had all seen better days. i got the room off Priceline name yr own price which is still my favorite way to book hotels.

    i ate in as many crappy fast food establishments as i could.

    sadly i had to go to walmart in the middle of the night for something that i now forget.

    seeing the cubs was fantastic but the best part was when a native american man in a KC Royals shirt came up to me to ask me about the DH rule in NL parks in spring training.

    we talked for a while complimenting each others teams.

    baseball teams should do a Humans of New York style deal in their instagrams. this guy would have been superb.

    drank an Old Style. ate a Portillos italian beef.

    drove back through the desert to get home. where its cold and drizzly.

    like an entirely different world.

  6. Sunday, March 6, 2016

    theres a couple things nice about arizona 


    theres a lot of space and the weathers nice.

    12821607_10153951176123057_3413603298478623251_nmaybe thats why they built a million baseball parks like it aint no thing.

    today i took a dry run over to where the cubs play now in the spring.

    no more HoHoKam Park, which is where i last saw the Cubs in spring training way back in the day.

    now it’s Sloan Park named after the Chicago company Sloan Valve Co.


    actually Sloan Valve Co has been making something very important for over the last 100 years.

    in 1905 they created the Royal Flushometer, it is the magic that makes a toilet or urinal flush.

    for the first few years sales suffered because people were still using outhouses

    but in 1908, yes THAT 1908, shit went down and Sloan took off and have never looked back.

    so what about these new no-flush urinals, hows Sloan gonna compete against these newfangled environmentally safer piss pots? have no fear, Sloan makes waterless urinals too, so relax.

    Sloan Park can accompany 15,000 fans which is the most of any spring training facility.

    all i know is they sell Portillo’s Italian Beef sandwiches.  let’s see if they still serve Old Style there

  7. im in mesa, arizona 

    in n out

    birthplace of the blues.

    this is where the dreams start. the left side of the rainbow.

    everyone comes to spring training with high hopes and visions of sparkly things.

    except for the cubs.

    i can’t remember one year when march rolled around and i was all

    oh yeah

    look out man

    but this year everythings all butterflies and unicorns and gumdrop trees.

    tomorrow im gonna eat from the gumdrop tree and tell you about it.

    but first, a dip in the magic buttered hot tub.

  8. Saturday, March 5, 2016

    Fine, I’ll go to Spring Training 


    Munenori Kawasaki, recently acquired from Toronto seems to be doing his part of keeping the team loose. The light hitting IF led the Cubs into singing Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” while the team wore headbands with Japanese sayings such as “Must Win” and “Fighting Spirit.”

    Munenori Kawasaki sparked the Cubs’ morning stretch Friday by singing karaoke to Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” and he inspired players to wear headbands with Japanese sayings such as “Must Win” and “Fighting Spirit.”

    Watch this and tell me you’re not inspired to take a road trip to Mesa and see these dudes get ready to win the World Series.

  9. Thursday, February 25, 2016
  10. Saturday, February 20, 2016

    today the cubs began the year they will win the world series 

    cubs it’s a magic trick done right in front of everyones faces

    it’s a bank robbery where the crooks say, we’re gonna rob the wells fargo on this street on this date at this time

    and not only will we take all the money but we’re gonna bake a cake in the employees break room.

    here are the gentlemen who will pull the heist of a lifetime


    79 Andury Acevedo
    49 Jake Arrieta
    32 Dallas Beeler
    50 Rex Brothers
    53 Trevor Cahill
    36 Aaron Crow
    6 Carl Edwards Jr.
    57 Stephen Fife
    48 Brandon Gomes
    52 Justin Grimm
    39 Jason Hammel
    28 Kyle Hendricks
    80 Pierce Johnson
    45 Eric Jokisch
    41 John Lackey
    51 Jack Leathersich
    34 Jon Lester
    63 Jean Machi
    62 Edgar Olmos
    40 Spencer Patton
    83 Felix Pena
    38 Jon Pettibone
    54 Neil Ramirez
    33 Clayton Richard
    60 C.J. Riefenhauser
    81 Armando Rivero
    56 Hector Rondon
    59 Zac Rosscup
    55 Drew Rucinski
    46 Pedro Strop
    71 Duane Underwood
    43 Adam Warren
    87 Ryan Williams
    37 Travis Wood


    76 Willson Contreras
    82 Taylor Davis
    15 Tim Federowicz
    47 Miguel Montero
    3 David Ross
    12 Kyle Schwarber


    7 Arismendy Alcantara
    9 Javier Baez
    17 Kris Bryant
    75 Jeimer Candelario
    29 Jesus Guzman
    66 Munenori Kawasaki
    2 Tommy La Stella
    19 Kristopher Negron
    44 Anthony Rizzo
    27 Addison Russell
    61 Christian Villanueva
    74 Dan Vogelbach
    18 Ben Zobrist


    78 Albert Almora
    72 John Andreoli
    8 Chris Coghlan
    22 Jason Heyward
    21 Matt Murton
    5 Juan Carlos Perez
    68 Jorge Soler
    20 Matt Szczur