nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, October 8, 2015

    WE WON! 

    cubs win


    wait that wasnt the world series?

    that was just a playoff game to see who would get in the playoffs?

    too bad, it feels like we just won game 7 and i dont care about nothin because we won it in their park agains their best guy against the team with the second best record in baseball.

    now we get to play our rivals who had the best record in baseball!

    and we are rolling baby nine games in a row without a loss

    the perfect time to be peaking, in october, the only month that matters

    Todd insisted that we go to this Cubs bar instead of a strip club and i must say he was right.

    it was like being that Bee Girl in that Blind Melon video

    here i am a guy who wears a Cubs hat nearly every day and there i was surrounded by lots of other men women and children with Cubs hats. it was glorious.

    i saw fat cub fans, skinny cub fans, cub fans from the LA Times i never knew were cub fans

    the bar was beautiful, turned out i had been there once before. it was while driving Uber

    this black girl with tattoos on her chest wanted me to go in her apartment with her after i dropped her off.

    its a bar called The Hideout, which is ironic because normally when the Cubs or Bears play an important game i stay in my house and hideout and watch it in my pillow fort and squint because i dont wanna see what im pretty sure imma see.


    theyre young, theyre confident, theyre scary good, rookie catcher guy who they never let play catcher hit the ball into Philly last night

    jake arrieta the greatest pitcher of all time shut out the pirates, got hit by a pitch and stole second


    there was a fight, sorta, but noone cared because the Cubs are now gonna face the St. Louis dirtybirds.

    i got drunk i got happy i walked through the streets of DTLA a man in a dress followed us while talking to himself.

    and i said sorry but we’re gonna have to beat your favorite team

    and that series starts tomorrow so get ready.

  2. Wednesday, October 7, 2015
  3. Sunday, October 4, 2015
  4. Monday, September 21, 2015

    i am the most complicated man 


    i try to avoid the past but half of my thoughts are about the past.

    i try to live in the now but i cant help but try to predict the future.

    when i go to chicago i love love love it but when i come back home i love it even more.

    the kids love me and i love them but if i never have any thatd be fine with me but if i ever had some im sure id be an incredible dad or the worst of all because i would keep it real with them and say things like

    bill murray and carrie fisherlife isnt fair dont ever think it is.

    i wouldnt tell them shit about santa claus id point to the portrait over the fireplace of a black Jesus and id say its that guy’s birthday coming up and we should do stuff for OTHER people instead of asking for a barbie dream house. its not even your birthday! how do you think you should get a bunch of stuff and chop down a tree and leave cookies out for reindeers we live in Hollywood, how many reindeers you see here baby?

    but then id probably buy them the biggest barbie dream house of all and sign it, happy my birthday – jesus.
    my cats missed me. they came running to me when i got home last night. they were all hey man thought you croaked or something.

    xbi texted me while i was on the FlyAway bus asking how the Feel No Pain remedy worked on my arms and hands and i dont wanna tell them that it totally worked but they know.

    lord knows, they know.

    today is bill murrays birthday and i dont know what to do about it. drink without a shirt? walk down Hollywood Blvd. and just congratulate everyone I pass?

    he had the best advice about being rich and famous, he said if thats what you really want to do, just be rich. and then be super generous to everyone without telling them youre rich. no one has to know. he said that would cover most of what you get out of being famous.

    and the best is you avoid the people who just want you cuz yr famous.

    guess bill screwed that part up.

    do you know  something that i love today?

    i love that Ryan Adams covered Taylor Swift’s entire album, 1989, which was pretty terrible, but a band called Father John Misty covered Adams’ cover of Blank Space in the style of Lou Reed.

    THIS is a record I want.

    I’d buy a damn record player just to play it if it only came on vinyl.

    i also love that i have today off so i can do my laundry and read the bible and order thai and maybe take a nap with the window open and the fan blowing

    knowing that Jay Cutler wont lose the game for the Bears next Sunday or probably the Sunday after that

    and the Cubs are peaking at exactly the right time.

    timing, as you know, is everything.

  5. Wednesday, September 16, 2015

    ac/dc at wrigley field, the next best thing to a world series win here 

    wrigley field

    if you know me by now you know im remarkably predictable. i am extremely loyal to the people and things that i love. and if i love you im gonna love you forever and ever, through hell and high water. AC/DC has been in my top ten favorite bands since i first heard “dirty deeds” sneering through my junior high school radio.

    so when bob, my friend i’ve known since kindegarden, wrote me to tell me that AC/DC was playing at Wrigley Field, the holiest place i’ve ever been to, i said oh thats nice. he then asked if i wanted a ticket and i hesitated because i had just seen them at Coachella and it was good, but how many times do you have to see them in a year?

    the answer is: as many times as they play Wrigley Field, dummy.

    so i flew in monday, took a train out of the burbs on tuesday and as i got near the park i texted Bob who was pre-partying with our friend Rick and asked where should i meet you guys.

    and bob said, at the corner of clark and addison in front of the Ernie Banks statue

    rick bob and me at wrigley

    and it was on.

    the weather was perfect, none of us had ever looked more handsome. the Cubs were in first place (practically) an angus was about play some of our favorite tunes for us.

    rick reminded me that his first concert was with me, my sister, and her friend Nikki – ac/dc’s for those about to rock at the rosemont horizon. and he hadnt seen them since! say what? i had seen them maybe 4-5 other times. maybe more.

    and i must say, im super glad Bob motivated and got tickets because this was the best show id seen them do since my first one, Back in Black where my mom just dropped me off alone at the Rosemont, I sat in the 14th row and my soul was saved by rock n roll.

    our seats

    this show, everyone was telling me, was the hottest ticket in chicago. scalpers were getting 2x and 3x the face value. bob joked that we were up in the nosebleeds, but Wrigley is so small that even that was fine. and whats best is the beer vendors are allowed to walk around and serve you at your seats. so when you wanna pee you just pee in the cup and give it back to them. recycling!

    jk, you pee on the sox fans. great tshirts

    almost everyone had AC/DC shirts. almost everyone was singing to all of the songs.

    almost everyone was drinking a beer out of a cup that said Cubs.

    almost everyone was way in to it in a way that i havent seen in a VERY long time in LA.

    i mean, 30,000 people totally cheering and singing during the opening tune “Rock Or Bust” the title track off their latest album – which is their 15th studio record

    and they were into it

    but when it comes to Angus’s guitar solo they cheered even louder.

    and it’s not like he’s Miles Davis up there,

    for the most part he sticks to the solo you’ve heard on the record.

    he might miss a note or two or pluck a string a little early


    so we buy the tshirts and the records and the concert tickets

    and the light up devil horns

    and we sing along to the nonsense that doesnt mean anything deep

    because when it comes right down to it we’re not all that super fucking deep neither.

    turn that shit up!

    there was one beautiful exception: Let There Be Rock was insane. Heres a small excerpt

    it was so good i got out of my chair and Periscoped the entire 14 minute tune.

    and it was loud. even in the nosebleeds. even across Wrigleyville, home of yuppies and old schoolers who demanded that the show be over at 10pm. fine with us. the concert started early and ended right on time to canons and fireworks.

    old styles

    so thats the good news. the bad news was we could see the hologram of Brian perfectly fine (pictured to the right of the center beer), but the Angus hologram was only working sporadically.

    speaking of beers. they had to hide the Old Style! Obama!

    someone told me that Budweiser has something to do with it. either the Cubs cut a deal with the beer giant or they lost a bet or something but no vendor could walk around with Old Styles and if you went to the beer stand you had to ASK for it and when you did they cracked open a can and spit in the cup first.

    RULES IS RULES they said.

    but you know what, Old Style at Wrigley WITH spit is still better than Budweiser out of the tap anywhere. so i happily accepted it and tipped generously.

    with that said WHAT THE FUCK WRIGLEY FIELD, does no one stand by their man any more?


    afterwards we spilled out into the streets – which were closed to cars and made our way into a nearby bar that let us in free and inside was an AC/DC cover band that played pretty much all the other songs that AC/DC didn’t play at Wrigley and weirdly that was incredibly fun too!


    and we met some drunk girls and… Ronnie Woo Woo! angus young jerseys

    did i mention that everyone had AC/DC shirts and jerseys and baseball gear and drones and homemade clocks ALL with Angus or AC/DC on them? incredible. Chicago I LOVE YOU!

    cubs acdc jerseyheres the set list


    1. Encore:

    fist of all how many bands can pull out MONSTER hits as song #4 and #10 on the set list and their biggest tune as #12 of a 20-song show? it’s almost as if theyre showing off. it’s almost as if theyre saying oh yeah, well how about this.

    only Nirvana buried “Teen Spirit” in weird places in their set list, far as i recall. but everyone else saves the best for last or starts the show with it  but usually keeps it for the end because they dont want people running for the exits.

    why would you ever want to leave one of the best shows of your life?


    the only reasonable answer is: for tacos.

  6. Sunday, August 30, 2015

    jake arrieta just tossed a no hitter at dodger stadium just cuz 

    no no

    we’re gonna win the world series, i hope you know.

    something interesting was happening when jake was closing the game out,

    Live on MTV, Kanye West was delivering a crazy speech.

    because im insane, i have two tvs in my bedroom specifically for moments like this.

    meanwhile my man Ben was flying at 30,000 feet above mexico city and asked me to Periscope the no no

    so i did

    AND the kanye speech.

    you can see it by clicking here.

    it’s art, basically.

  7. Saturday, August 29, 2015

    cubs lost, but we won 

    tony pierce todd martens lily mazet at dodger stadium

    todd, lily and i went to the cubs game friday because it was all you can drink for free beer night


    typically i dont go to games where great pitchers are on the mound cuz theyre boring

    but what are you gonna do: Not see clayton kershaw take on the cubbies on a friday night?

    todd and i worked at the times together. lily and i worked at kpcc together.

    lily now works at the times along with several people i worked at kpcc with

    because the cream always rises to the top.

    all of them are quietly saving the paper from oblivion

    but dont tell anyone, it’s a secret.

    front row

    we had front row seats because thats all the xbi ever sends me.

    i had two super dodger dogs and two goose island from chicago beers.

    a couple of people walked past me and saw my cubs hat and said mean things

    and to each of them i responded with a version of

    thats ridiculous, the cubs have lost so many times to the dodgers you should be buying me hella beers rn.

    one day i’ll get a beer out of it.

    i took an uber to the times and on the ride the guy told me he was probably going to watch the game at a restaurant and then see if he could uber someone out of the game.

    i said, dude we have an extra ticket. tell you what, if you drive us to the game, i’ll give you the extra for free.

    ryno for prez

    he was so happy.

    i was happy too because for some weird reason i was having the hardest time finding a fourth person to go with us.

    but then before we got to the paper he got a text.

    his girlfriend won tickets to a burlesque show at the dragonfly.

    so he was all, i’ll tell you what, i’ll drive you up there for free anyways.

    when we got to the paper we picked up lily, then swung over to union station to get todd

    and there we saw the free shuttles to the stadium

    so we told uber guy no bother and got on the shuttle and this dude had a ryne sandberg hat from ’84.

    the year that will live in infamy.

    but the dude was too young to realize that probs.

    lily is hydrated


    after the game we did yoga at the train station.

    todd won.

  8. Tuesday, April 14, 2015

    the cubs are in first place for the first time since 2009 

    first place

    sure the season just started but who cares, it’s the season.

    but more importantly it blows away all the critics whines about the team not putting phenom kris bryant on the opening day roster.

    the 20 yr old third baseman crushed 45 homers last year in the minors and blasted nine in spring training. of course he should be playing in the big leagues, but because of the rules of baseball, the kris bryantCubs will gain an extra year of “control” over bryant if they simply wait till the end of the month to call him up.

    so of course they sent him to Iowa after breaking camp. do you just give away millions of dollars?

    whiners like curt schilling were all, but what if the cubs miss the playoffs by a game or two and bryant could have been the difference in those early april games?

    well guess what, the cubs are in first place

    the plan is working.

    bryant will be called up when he’s supposed to and the cubs will still probably miss the playoffs.

    they are the cubs.

    this is not the year.

    next year, we’ve been telling you forever, is.

  9. Monday, April 6, 2015
  10. Wednesday, March 18, 2015

    xbi was all, we need you in Chicago 

    cubs season tix

    i was all, are you getting high off your own supply?

    they were like, what would it take to get you to move there?

    i said, season tickets to the cubs, pay off my mom’s mortgage

    and make sure the average temperature is 69 degrees, you know, like how it is here in LA


    they said we can do the first two and thanks to the GOP, the third request is coming along.

    i said, great, when it has arrived, if there’s still ozone, lemme know.

    today i receieved the above. and i must say, it was tempting.

    i shouldnta opened the box.