nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, June 9, 2019

    my mom gets nervous when i dont update this blog 

    and its true, for years i would write 2-3 times a day, youd think that now that im lazing about the house i’d be writing twice as much but what do you say when you are constantly job hunting or working out on your soul and your six pack abs?

    the cubs are doing well, thats all that matters, really.

    this week they signed the closer that they need, an all star who for some reason wasn’t getting signed by anyone this spring. was he asking too much? was he nuts? was he too old at 31? was his agent a dope? if this guy was so good why had no one snatched him up?

    all fascinating questions. the cubs still paid him $43 million for three years. which is in the neighborhood that im looking to earn in my next gig, btw.

    last night i went to bed in not the best shape. i was nervous about the future, something the bible advises against. consider the lilies of the field, it says, they dont have agents, they belong to no unions, they dont have a sinking fastball and still they live great lives because God loves them, so think how much more he loves us, who have amazing changeups and circle curves.

    but i couldnt sleep so i turned my phone on and clicked over to linkedin… maybe there was a job i hadnt noticed that i should apply for. and there it was. right next to the job i am still waiting to hear from. yes at the very bottom they are asking for some space age futuristic things, but the bulk of the job is right up my alley.

    then i couldnt fall asleep for all the right reasons. i had visions of sugar plums dancing through my head. all the ideas came rushing though. color returned to my cheeks. my heart started beating and mama mia was my brain going into overdrive.

    one idea tapdanced in front of another. boom boom boom. and all brilliant ones. then, lurking in the background, arose the greatest of all ideas ever. it’s ambitious, it’s glorious, it would be a game changer, a sweeping force if ever there was one, and this company could pull it off better’n any of them. theyd have to believe in me though.

    but the crazy thing is, it wouldn’t cost much to pull off. i mean they could invest *money* into it, but it’s not necessary. the lilies don’t buy facebook ads and people drive out to the superbloom in droves. this would be a super dooper bloom of love.

    4am, 5am. finally i ate a croissant and drank a glass of juice. another idea. an old one from the past, but with a new hat. oh and another idea. what about this. MY COVER LETTER IS GOING TO BE A NOVELLA!

    so then i thought, should i go in great detail one some of these ideas so they can take a glimpse of my genius, or should i just list the code names of the concepts as teases?

    First in Line
    The Perfect Room
    Disturbing the Piece
    Somebody Walks in LA
    Press Conference, Jr.

    OK enough procrastination. On to the application.

  2. Monday, May 27, 2019

    today bill buckner died, he was 69 

    when i was a little kid i got bill buckner’s autograph on my baseball mitt

    dumb move because i used that glove a lot and it quickly smeared off.

    later good ole #22 would agree to sign autographs at this video store near my home

    hardly anyone showed up and i got there just as he was leaving.

    his handler said, sorry kid, shows over.

    and that changed the way i felt about my once favorite Cub.

    then, of course, he let a Mookie Wilson ball roll though his legs when he was playing for Boston in the 1986 world series.

    that made me like him again because it was such a Cub thing to do.

    but most people don’t remember another important ball that billy buck didn’t catch

    in 1974 when Hank Aaron was about to break Babe Ruth’s unbreakable home run record

    it was shaggy headed bill buckner in left field, he then of the Dodgers.

    when the ball sailed over his bushy eyebrows he tried to scale the fence.

    Cubs announcer Len Kasper asked him years later if he was trying to catch the most famous dong

    “No, I wanted to jump into the bullpen and get the ball!” he said of the valuable piece of history.

  3. Monday, May 20, 2019

    how it’s done 

    There is so much negativity every day out there. But here’s something nice. And one of the reasons I love people so much.

    Jake Arrieta was traded to the Cubs from Baltimore in 2013 for two guys named Scott and a bucket of mud. He was so bad the Cubs sent him to the minors twice that year.

    But something happened in 2014. The coaching, the catchers, the team? Who knows but he began to transform into an amazing pitcher.

    In 2015 he no-hit the Dodgers, pitched a complete game in the NL Wild Card game and easily earned the Cy Young Award as the best pitcher in the NL.

    In 2016 he was one of the anchors for the Cubs winning the World Series. On the way there he crushed a home run in San Francisco off Madison Bumgarner. And then he won two games in the 7 game epic series against the Indians.

    Early last year his contract ended and the Philadelphia Phillies offered him $75 million over three years. The Cubs chose to spend about that much on a different pitcher, one Yu Darvish.

    Because life is weird, Jake never faced the Cubs last year at Wrigley Field, but tonight he did. And because National League baseball is superior, pitchers bat, like the Founders intended.

    And as fate would have it, Yu is pitching against him. But before the young Japanese hurler could begin, the crowd at the Friendly Confines lived up to their name and gave their once favorite son a huge ovation. And because Darvish is a gentleman, when he heard the roar, he stepped off the mound so the crowd could embrace the man who was so vital to that all-important championship.

    I am tearing up typing this because it is so beautiful. I love these fans so much and I am one of them. This is what gratefulness is. This is what sportsmanship is. This is love.

  4. Sunday, May 19, 2019

    palm reader said, yo, come here 

    i was all no thank you

    she said oh im not trying to give you a reading, i have to ask you a question

    i said, whats your question

    she said, you always seem so happy. whats your secret?

    i was like, oh, simple. the cubs won the world series.

    she was all, but that was in 2016.

    i said, seems like yesterday.

    and as i was walking home she said, thats it? a bunch of people you dont know, all wearing the same color score more points than the other team and for the rest of your life you’re in a good mood?

    i kept walking and said pretty much

    she said, wait wait, what?

    i stopped and said, that season lasted six months. from spring training i knew they were gonna do it. then every month good things happened. then they won. now imagine in the spring you thought bad things were gonna happen, then every month horrible things went down. then in novemember so many bad things happened that millions of people filled the streets. you might still be bummed years later. well, the opposite happened. miracles after miracles. then a huge parade. and now joy. probably forever.

  5. Thursday, May 16, 2019

    how is craig kimbrel still unemployed? 

    last night high priced starting pitcher Yu Darvish ($21 million a year for six years) had one of his best outings as a Cub. he went 5 innings, gave up 5 hits, 2 earned runs, allowed 0 walks, and struck out 11 batters.

    If over 5 innings there are 15 outs and 11 of them are due to whiffing, I’d say the pitcher did pretty damn well.

    unfortunately games last at least 9 innings and the relievers who came in for Yu weren’t as effective and the Cubs lost in the bottom of the 10th.

    even though the Cubs have one of the best records in baseball this year, they are successful in spite of not having their high priced closer, or their backup closer. both are injured.

    if there’s any team who understands the importance of every. single. game, it should be the Cubs since last year they ended up with the identical record after 162 games with their new rivals the Milwaukee Brewers and were forced to play a 163rd game (which they lost), which forced them to play a wild card game (which they also lost).

    you cant lose extra inning games to Cincinnati when your starter hands the bullpen a lead. that’s why there are closers.

    some really good teams have omg two solid pitchers in the bullpen. a closer and a set up man. im old enough to remember the Bronx Zoo completely shutting down games when Dick Tidrow would come in for the 8th and Sparky Lyle ended it in the 9th.

    which brings us to All Star free agent closer Craig Kimbrel who can’t seem to find a team willing to pay what theyve paid other superstar bullpen aces. is he asking for too long of a contract? is his agent a creep? should any of that matter?

    why build a damn theme park around your ball park if you’re not going to use some of those profits for what is sorely needed?

  6. Wednesday, May 15, 2019

    am i here to inspire 

    am i here to give hope?

    can i do that when im in this weird transition?

    it was rough today, i gotta admit, coming back to reality after being in paradise with a beautiful woman.

    i applied for jobs i had never considered before. people are still giving me leads and thats so sweet of them. in the beginning i would drag my feet about it, but now im like, yep, lets apply, fine, who knows where this will lead.

    one company was a tad annoying though, they asked for your LinkedIn url, and a resume… but then they made you manually redo all of that into another site.

    why do you hate us?

    one of the questions they asked was my high school address. do people lie about going to high school?

    then the cubs lost. then my parking permit fell off my mirror and i got a ticket. then then then….

    it wasnt a great day.

    theyre not all gonna be stellar.

    people are not returning emails. people who i thought i clicked with in initial interviews. one place asked me to analyze their website and social channels and i told them things i bet you nooooobody even thought about telling them, SEO magic tricks

    i wrote them back on Monday and nothing. not a peep. a full on thank you next.

    did the guy think i was too smart? too handsome? did he think it was a set up?

    how do you not call me back when i show you how to improve your site in a way that will double traffic or more on Google and it’s just a few lines of HTML?

    is everyone’s hearts hardened?

    is this supposed to be happening for a reason? surely the reason cant be for me to go back to Ubering.

    cubs shouldnta lost.

  7. Tuesday, April 9, 2019

    cubs won their home opener yesterday under the sun 

    five hall of famers were there, the fans were warmed due to the unseasonably comfortable temps

    cubs bats were hot, the pitchers shut out their foes

    but i missed Harry.

    sometimes i wonder do people miss me?

    i was watching something on tv after the game – something about punk rock

    and they said they were glad that this one or that one wasnt around anymore because

    he was such a jerk to people.

    and i wondered, do people think im a jerk?

    it’s tough in life. they tell you to stand up for yourself. and for others. and for ideals.

    but then they also say dont burn bridges.

    amber and i went to church on sunday and the lady preacher was soooooo nice.

    i made a point to shake her hand after all of it and tell her that i loved her sermon about the prime minister of new zealand and how the church was so wonderful and the music was so good

    and how it was the first sermon that i had ever heard where the person said

    if you are gay or straight black brown or white

    if you are a believer or a non believer

    you are welcome.

    and she said i dont believe we have met.

    am i that recognizable? i feel like i blend in to the gray walls so easily. but i guess not.

    harry you are missed. your laugh. your energy. your love of so many things, not just baseball.

    i love that when he got the job for the cardinals, the owner of the team, who was also the co owner of budweiser, said, harry you are so great, this town is yours. anything you want is yours and i will help you get it.

    my only rule is do not try to date my daughter.

    and guess who harry caray dated

    and then married.

    and got fired for loving?

    all are welcome in my heart.

  8. Wednesday, March 27, 2019

    xbi said go to spring training, we have some tix there for you 

    but just make sure you pose with your girl at the Sloane Park sign

    and buy some tshirts for us

    and say tip the Mexican guy with the Crazy Chips $3, he has a message for you

    then buy a straw hat, you will be known for the hat.

    then knock on the door of the Cubs poutine truck. it will be “closed.”

    a blonde will approach you, ask to take a picture of her nails

    we will sit you next to a family of Iowa farmers. when the long time pork farmer says “everything was good until those fucking tariffs were imposed on the Chinese” you know you have the right guy.

    step into the open door at the Chicago Dogs stand. your envelope will be there.

    and never forget. all the best have been let go. keep yr heart pure.

  9. Saturday, March 9, 2019

    i slept all day because i was up all night 

    doing the project i was up all night and i havent been able to revert to a normal schedule which is not good because theres a long legged girl in my bed right now at 257am who wants me in there but im wide awake wishing there was a ball game on.

    a friend of mine who works at this fancy place said she would put my resume on the right persons desk. she suggests i go on unemployment.

    but i was a contractor at the end.

    she said, youre over 40 and black. thats two protected classes.

    i said did you not hear me i stepped down to do this project. i knew the risk i was taking. i wanted to do this thing. all my life i tell people to ask for what they want and dont freak out when they get it. i got it. why should i break any rules?

    she said, you have nothing to lose, they might approve it

    i said, i dont want to be on unemployment. i wanna do cool shit. life is short. i was on unemployment for way too long before i got picked up by the academy. it was never fun for me. i could never relax. i was always feeling depressed. a loser. i know the economy was bad, but i felt totally useless. the fact that i got The Best job out of that is great, but getting there was arduous. never again good friend. #bars

    then she said disability then. and she texted me a link to all the things you can file for disability for. theres a disability for everything she typed.

    i said, do you know the cubs won the world series? they won it after a rain delay in game 7 on the road in extra innings. and im not saying that the good people of cleveland arent deserving, but i have Always tried to be an honest, hardworking, genuine person. someone you could trust. they say look at someones friends to see who they are. all my friends are trustworthy. why would i want to be the friend who is on fake disability. at the college paper where we became friends it was like a competition to see who could write the better story poem song news article rock opera. not who could be the dirtiest liar. why use our energies on such a small game? if im gonna tell a lie i want to do it in a novel that sells for a ton more than a damn disability check.

    she said, you should also stop blogging and stay off social media.


    she said do you know how many rich guys i know and hang out and work with and work for. how do you think they got what they got?

    i typed, right now im looking at my living room tv. under it are some old dvds an old broken desktop computer. a weird lamp. a broken Roku, a PS2. some autographed balls from people i know. i can look at all of those things and know i earned the money fair and square to buy them. i didnt cheat anyone. i didnt lie. i did the work earned the money bought the crap.

    i could never enjoy looking at a tv that i had to lie to buy. i dont know how these politicians who take money from wicked sources actually walk into their mcmansions and sleep right. it would give me nightmares. in free solo that climber got an mri and it showed that he has no fear in his head. these dudes must have no conscious in there. mine is enlarged. and im glad. midwest represent.

    she didnt reply. it was late and either she passed out or was bored.

    then she came back on. what did any of that have to do with the cubs and game 7?

    i said, oh. they barely won because of karma. we had slightly more than the other guys. i would never want to fuck up the karma for the cubs or my friends by doing shady shit. lets make good magic. lets lead by example. lets be the cool story people tell each other not oh that fool yeah he sucks.

    my favorite movies are rock documentaries and either its someone doing something fucked up to the band or the band doing fucked up things to themselves. just be cool.

    then she sent me the thumbs up sticker and i went straight to twitter against her advice. sorry.

  10. Monday, January 28, 2019

    sleeping is over rated 

    as are the Brewers. imagine you host a fan fest… a convention for all your fans to come to celebrate the team, get autographs, buy crap, get up close and personable.

    but then imagine that even though theyre wearing uniforms with numbers on them you also need them to use nametags.

    poor poor milwaukee

    cubs fans terrorize them. they flock up there for cubs games. it’s only a 90 mile drive. it’s closer than isla vista is to hollywood.

    brewers knocked the cubs out of the playoffs this year, then lost to the dodgers, who then lost to the red sox.

    but the cubs were hurt and the brewers played perfectly. which wont happen again. which is why they’re more salty about the cubs than vice versa.

    ok 6am, time for bed