nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, October 23, 2015

    the latest obsession with the cubs winning isn’t good 

    cubs win

    it’s great that the Cubs will be winning the World Series very soon and all, and we probably just saw the opening chapter of a long running dynasty.

    but the beauty of being a Cub fan is not having to be obsessed with winning all the time.

    it’s cute that people have adopted the W flag that flies atop the most beautiful scoreboard in the world. but that flag is for people in the neighborhood or those in the train to see if the cubs won or lost, it’s not supposed to be some symbol of dominance. it’s a quirky neighborhood thing from a time before it became trendy to lub the cubs.

    being a Cub fan is about enjoying baseball for what it is: a kids game played by millionaires, many of whom dont speak english. it’s about sitting on a bench with your shirt off drinking a bad beer that Budweiser is so afraid of that theyre doing its best to kick it out of the friendly confines.

    jack white sad cub fanit’s about cheering for defensive gems regardless of which team pulled it off.  it’s about betting a buck with your friends on which infielder will scratch his balls first. it’s about meeting the strangers sitting around you and finding out what lifes like where they live.

    it’s loving the fact that the former owner of the white sox is responsible for the most iconic part of Wrigley Field: it’s beautiful ivy. it’s about enjoying the organ music and yelling “right field sucks” especially if you’re sitting in the right field bleachers. it’s about being drunk after the game and hitting on and failing with other drunk cub fans who insult you for your crappy lines, but who then kiss you on your cheek because you are indeed a cub fan, which you proved by showing them your cubbie underwear right there on clark street.

    nothing about being a Cub fan is about winning world series or playoffs or division titles or even weekend series’ against milwaukee. it’s about loving baseball and other people. looking at you, jack white.

    that is all lost when we get caught up in that stupid white flag with that basic blue W on it. that is not us. thats bullshit the yankees should have had back in the day.

    Cub fans are the ones who will go see our team play no matter how they are doing in the standings. last year they were 17 games out of first place and drew 2.6 million fans. in 2013 they ended up 31 games out of first and they drew 2.6 million fans.  in 2012 they were even worse: 36 games out of first and 2.9 million fans showed up. this year they won 97 games, had the third best record in the majors and drew… 2.9 million fans.

    that’s how it should be. go to the game. bring kids. bring dates. drink beers. eat hot dogs. curse goats. and puke in the street on your way home. i have a W flag somewhere in this house but it means far less to me, because W’s are not what being a Cub fan is all about.

    for us, winning isn’t everything.

    everything is everything.

  2. Tuesday, October 20, 2015

    heres whats gonna happen over the next week 

    cubs win

    the cubs are gonna win tomorrow.

    at wrigley field.

    with jake arrieta on the mound.

    on principle.

    then jon lester is gonna win on thursday at wrigley field

    because he was paid over $100 million to win on thursday and he will do it

    because he is good at baseball, especially in october.

    then on saturday, that kid who pitched tonight, Kyle Hendricks, who only allowed two runs and five hits

    will shock the mets in the apple by shutting their asses off with that impressive comebacker slider.

    tying up the series three three

    for everybodys cy young winner jake arrieta to clutch victory from the jaws of defeat

    and stun the world, and new york city

    as the cubs bats wake up and send the cubs into the world series.

    four games. four wins. for you, history.

    all of this was a rope-a-dope to make it all that much more dramatic.

    yr welcome.

  3. Monday, October 19, 2015

    do you ever experience mood swings? 

    beyoncedo you ever feel super happy one minute and then terrible the next and you wanna just move back to maui and assume your title on the royal kawuuanuaan throne?

    there are sooooo many bible stories that start off by saying things like King Leroy died and was replaced by his son King Melvin who also did evil in the eyes of the Lord…

    i never wanna do evil in the eyes of the Lord.

    i wanna do the opposite of evil so badly and i know that means to just keep fighting through the emotions.

    emotions that i rarely have.

    but i have them, canada, trust me, i do.

    i may seem all cool calm and sexy on the outside like all the live long day but inside me, sometimes, there’s a tempest and a teapot

    and im all “but f tea”!

    i play fantasy sports, i do online gambling, i water the grass at the volunteer fire station, all so i can keep a handle on these rarely surfacing feels.

    and usually it works but today was a tough one.

    how can we be two games down to the miserable mets?

    where did they come from?

    we beat them 7 games to zero in the regular season. sure they didn’t have the Cuban. but one Cuban doesn’t make a spoiler.

    it hasn’t even been the cuban that has killed us, its been their pitching and that one guy who said anti-homosexual stuff at the beginning of the season.

    i keep telling myself this was not supposed to be the year, it was supposed to be next year.





    I hate that huge new scoreboard, I hate anti gay Mets, and I hate that Barack Obama isn’t gonna be at the game tomorrow to throw out the first pitch with a goat standing next to him so he can help end the curse.

    I am feeling emotional right now.

  4. dear tony, are the cubs slowly breaking our hearts (again)? 

    William Sianis and the goata wise man once said, a fool and his money are soon parted.

    but what about a fool and his heart?

    money is a chumps game, love on the other hand is what its all about.

    love you can take with you. love is a many splendored thing. no matter what wall street decides to do with the imaginary valuation of this piece of paper or that one,

    they can’t do anything about love love love.

    and yet history will tell us that you dont fall in love with certain type of people (rock stars, models, and actors) and you should never trust the cubs winning the world series.

    no one you know has ever seen it happen. and the last time the cubs got super close, half the league was fighting the damn nazis.

    did i fall for the pretty smile that was the hot bats of this latest crop of rookies?


    did i think that all we needed was arrietta and three days of wet weatha?

    who didnt?

    but im also a romantic. i believe that two hearts can beat as one. i trust that despite all the shiny flashy things that can distract the eyes are one thing but the magnetism of love, true love, can not be pulled apart.

    but i am also a fool. who, like jon snow, knows nothing.

    sometimes it doesnt matter who your manager is, who your GM be, how many homers you hit beating the number one team in baseball and before that the number two team, means nothing if youre cursed.

    and if i was the rickets family, the owners of the cubs, i would fill the friendly confines with goats. it should be Goat Day tomorrow. bring a goat, get in free, bring a goat get a hat, bring goat meat get a free Old Style.

    there should be goat shwarmas being sliced up beneath the stands, there should be goat blood shots being poured in the surrounding bars,

    and before the game there should be goat races
    around the bases

    it’s so perfect it even rhymes.

    something needs to change and since my heart wont, something else must. until then we will all wake up on mondays and face the cold hard reality that the cubs will remind us how big our hearts are because of the pain in having them crushed.

  5. Sunday, October 18, 2015

    i am at my most emotional during the playoffs 

    the desert

    i become superstitious and crazy and short tempered and i bite my tongue

    i freak out over the smallest things, i dont see the world as what it is and i overeat

    i cant sleep, i sleep all the time, i trim my cats nails for good luck

    i dont talk smack because im afraid it will be used against me later when they lose

    i dont believe they will win even though they totally should win easily.

    i probably shouldnt leave the house but life sorta forces you to.

    once upon a time i wanted to be a baseball manager

    im so happy that dream never came true because what sorta manager

    wouldnt want to leave the house during the most important

    historical, most meaningful part of the schedule

    let alone, your life.

    also my tooth brushing schedule is all out of wack.

  6. Wednesday, October 14, 2015

    dear the future, this is what it was like this year for Cubs fans 

    hey cardinals

    even though the Cubs haven’t won the World Series in over 100 years, THIS was not the year they were supposed to do it.

    weirdly this group of young go-getters didn’t get the memo that next year was supposed to be the year.

    so in the wild card game they shut out the 2nd best team in baseball in Pittsburgh against their best pitcher

    and yesterday they completed the shellacking of the best team in baseball with a combo of good pitching and homer after homer after homer.

    scharberthe other day they hit 6 home runs and i know nothing in here is true but that’s true. SIX.

    ive been doing some work at home because my boss is fantastic and a huge sports fan and understands.

    i was so happy yesterday when the Cubs finished off the cards i drove across town Back to work to clean up some stuff i could only do there.

    emotion wise i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to say. im not superstitious – something i feel is an affront to Jesus – but i haven’t been writing much or doing anything weird because i don’t want to be the next Bartman.

    my mom called me today because she wanted to see if i was ok because i hadn’t blogged much during this historic run for the title.

    she told me this beautiful story about how she was listening to the end of the game on her way to my nieces volleyball game

    she got to the school but the cubs were 1 out away from winning, so she stayed in her car to listen.

    she sat there and looked around as she listened and noticed that the lady parked next to her and the guy parked on the other side were also waiting in their cars.

    and then when the Cubs struck out the final dude my mom was so happy she thought about honking her horn but she was raised to be a polite southern gentlewoman

    but then she heard everyone everywhere honk in celebration so she got back in her car and honked like crazy.

    i may have to take some days off and head to chicago if they make the world series because right now im not thinking right, im making some mistakes at work, im saying the wrong things to people, everything feels like a dream world of loveliness. i’ll probably get someone pregnant if i dont watch it.

    or run for the president of the republicans.

    please vote for me.

  7. Monday, October 12, 2015

    the cubs are playing their booty off 

    breetoday they sent Jake out there with just a few days rest and he was pretty awesome until later in the game and got pulled leading 5-4

    but the rookies seem to be from another planet and just hit and hit and hit

    setting a playoff record by launching 6 bombs.

    each of the 1-6 hitters in the lineup rocketed one.

    the wind was blowing out to right (just like the grand canyon).

    i dont have much time to revel in it all as i still have some work to do for work

    then bree is picking me up so we can see this incredible lineup who will be playing all these california hippie tunes

    fiona apple, regina spektor, beck, jakob dylan,

    cat power

    what have i done to deserve all of this?

    this morning i woke up super early to get in a few quick uber runs.

    got one across town for $60. fellow social media dude.

    his view is a tad better than mine, he’s on the beach in santa monica.

    fine with me. i barely look up from the screen these days.

    cubs are one win away from the national league championship series.

  8. Thursday, October 8, 2015

    WE WON! 

    cubs win


    wait that wasnt the world series?

    that was just a playoff game to see who would get in the playoffs?

    too bad, it feels like we just won game 7 and i dont care about nothin because we won it in their park agains their best guy against the team with the second best record in baseball.

    now we get to play our rivals who had the best record in baseball!

    and we are rolling baby nine games in a row without a loss

    the perfect time to be peaking, in october, the only month that matters

    Todd insisted that we go to this Cubs bar instead of a strip club and i must say he was right.

    it was like being that Bee Girl in that Blind Melon video

    here i am a guy who wears a Cubs hat nearly every day and there i was surrounded by lots of other men women and children with Cubs hats. it was glorious.

    i saw fat cub fans, skinny cub fans, cub fans from the LA Times i never knew were cub fans

    the bar was beautiful, turned out i had been there once before. it was while driving Uber

    this black girl with tattoos on her chest wanted me to go in her apartment with her after i dropped her off.

    its a bar called The Hideout, which is ironic because normally when the Cubs or Bears play an important game i stay in my house and hideout and watch it in my pillow fort and squint because i dont wanna see what im pretty sure imma see.


    theyre young, theyre confident, theyre scary good, rookie catcher guy who they never let play catcher hit the ball into Philly last night

    jake arrieta the greatest pitcher of all time shut out the pirates, got hit by a pitch and stole second


    there was a fight, sorta, but noone cared because the Cubs are now gonna face the St. Louis dirtybirds.

    i got drunk i got happy i walked through the streets of DTLA a man in a dress followed us while talking to himself.

    and i said sorry but we’re gonna have to beat your favorite team

    and that series starts tomorrow so get ready.

  9. Wednesday, October 7, 2015
  10. Sunday, October 4, 2015