nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, March 9, 2019

    i slept all day because i was up all night 

    doing the project i was up all night and i havent been able to revert to a normal schedule which is not good because theres a long legged girl in my bed right now at 257am who wants me in there but im wide awake wishing there was a ball game on.

    a friend of mine who works at this fancy place said she would put my resume on the right persons desk. she suggests i go on unemployment.

    but i was a contractor at the end.

    she said, youre over 40 and black. thats two protected classes.

    i said did you not hear me i stepped down to do this project. i knew the risk i was taking. i wanted to do this thing. all my life i tell people to ask for what they want and dont freak out when they get it. i got it. why should i break any rules?

    she said, you have nothing to lose, they might approve it

    i said, i dont want to be on unemployment. i wanna do cool shit. life is short. i was on unemployment for way too long before i got picked up by the academy. it was never fun for me. i could never relax. i was always feeling depressed. a loser. i know the economy was bad, but i felt totally useless. the fact that i got The Best job out of that is great, but getting there was arduous. never again good friend. #bars

    then she said disability then. and she texted me a link to all the things you can file for disability for. theres a disability for everything she typed.

    i said, do you know the cubs won the world series? they won it after a rain delay in game 7 on the road in extra innings. and im not saying that the good people of cleveland arent deserving, but i have Always tried to be an honest, hardworking, genuine person. someone you could trust. they say look at someones friends to see who they are. all my friends are trustworthy. why would i want to be the friend who is on fake disability. at the college paper where we became friends it was like a competition to see who could write the better story poem song news article rock opera. not who could be the dirtiest liar. why use our energies on such a small game? if im gonna tell a lie i want to do it in a novel that sells for a ton more than a damn disability check.

    she said, you should also stop blogging and stay off social media.


    she said do you know how many rich guys i know and hang out and work with and work for. how do you think they got what they got?

    i typed, right now im looking at my living room tv. under it are some old dvds an old broken desktop computer. a weird lamp. a broken Roku, a PS2. some autographed balls from people i know. i can look at all of those things and know i earned the money fair and square to buy them. i didnt cheat anyone. i didnt lie. i did the work earned the money bought the crap.

    i could never enjoy looking at a tv that i had to lie to buy. i dont know how these politicians who take money from wicked sources actually walk into their mcmansions and sleep right. it would give me nightmares. in free solo that climber got an mri and it showed that he has no fear in his head. these dudes must have no conscious in there. mine is enlarged. and im glad. midwest represent.

    she didnt reply. it was late and either she passed out or was bored.

    then she came back on. what did any of that have to do with the cubs and game 7?

    i said, oh. they barely won because of karma. we had slightly more than the other guys. i would never want to fuck up the karma for the cubs or my friends by doing shady shit. lets make good magic. lets lead by example. lets be the cool story people tell each other not oh that fool yeah he sucks.

    my favorite movies are rock documentaries and either its someone doing something fucked up to the band or the band doing fucked up things to themselves. just be cool.

    then she sent me the thumbs up sticker and i went straight to twitter against her advice. sorry.

  2. Monday, January 28, 2019

    sleeping is over rated 

    as are the Brewers. imagine you host a fan fest… a convention for all your fans to come to celebrate the team, get autographs, buy crap, get up close and personable.

    but then imagine that even though theyre wearing uniforms with numbers on them you also need them to use nametags.

    poor poor milwaukee

    cubs fans terrorize them. they flock up there for cubs games. it’s only a 90 mile drive. it’s closer than isla vista is to hollywood.

    brewers knocked the cubs out of the playoffs this year, then lost to the dodgers, who then lost to the red sox.

    but the cubs were hurt and the brewers played perfectly. which wont happen again. which is why they’re more salty about the cubs than vice versa.

    ok 6am, time for bed

  3. Wednesday, October 3, 2018

    The 2018 honest, sober recap 

    the Cubs had two chances to avoid elimination over the last two days and they couldn’t hit, even in extras last night at Wrigley.

    they lost Monday to Milwaukee who they shared the best record in the NL with, and they lost yesterday to the Rockies who had the disadvantage of arriving in Chicago at 2am after losing to the Dodgers in LA.

    Jon Lester and the rest of the bullpen including a couple of starters held the Rockies to just a couple of runs but the Cubs had a hard time doing shit, and really blew an opportunity with the bases loaded late in the game.

    this brings me mixed emotions because the Cubs were not dominate this season despite their great record. it was the 4th year in a row that they made it to the post-season but they seemed to limp in. Nobody was smoking hot going into these last two games except for Lester. KB was still hurting, Strop made a sparkling guest appearance but was hurt, Contrearas had to take a long pause after a swing at the plate, Yu never made a contribution to the team, nor did our actual closer whose name escapes me because HES DEAD TO ME.

    so here’s what i would do if i was Theo, this offseason.

    i would trade the following players to the Angels for Mike Trout and the Bears top 2 draft picks in 2020 and 2021:

    Kyle Schwarber
    Addison Russell
    Joey Amalfatano Jr
    Daniel Murphy
    Ian Happ
    And Yu Darvish and half his salary

    I know the Angels already have Albert Puljos and that The New Babe Ruth at DH but I NEED TO GET HIM OUTTA MY FACE TRADE HIM AGAIN IF YOU WANT ANGELS HES A DH

    This would be an expensive trade for the Cubs because Darvish’s salary is like 25 mil a year and hes got 5 years left. But the Cubs built a damn hotel over the McDonalds on Addison, don’t tell me they dont have any damn money.

    After acquiring and signing Trout I would knock on the door of Mr. Bryce Harper and I would say, we don’t need-need you any more but we would like to have you because KB and Rizzo seem to like you, but you’re gonna have to cut your hair bc it’s ridiculous and you’re gonna have to accept a different offer than what everyone else is sending you. instead of 5 years at $25 mil each, how about 9 years at $19 mil each, with a million dollar bonus for each World Series we win? otherwise, have fun in NYC, no one will like you there and your life will be miserable.

    if the Angels want David Bote too, fine. They deserve some young blood, but we get to take back one of Da Bears’ picks.

    thus concludes my recap.

  4. Sunday, September 30, 2018

    cubs played their last game of the season today 

    and because they won, and because they have the same record as the milwaukee brewers, and because the cubs beat the brewers more than the brewers beat them this year

    tomorrow they will play each other at wrigley field

    to see who is the champion of the NL Central.

    now the good news is whoever loses tomorrow is still in the playoffs because their records are so good

    but the winner gets home field advantage through the playoffs

    and they get an extra day off

    two things the Cubs could seriously use.

    i feel good about tomorrow because the Cubs are playing a lot better than they have the last month

    and they’re at home, and they tend to beat the Brew Crew

    and the Bears played incredibly today

    and good things are happening to me personally

    and the weather has been great

    so tonight amber and i celebrated by going to sushi. she had just gotten a really good tip. we had soup and sushi and edamame. it was really nice. but the whole time i had a hard time relaxing

    because once a week i have to do these check ins and

    all i want is to be left alone when im being creative.

    all i want is to be trusted.

    youd think after over 50 years of rock n roll people would look at my record and know not only am i responsible but imma kick ass at what i set my mind to.

    and lord knows my mind is set on this.

    lets hope the Cubs are as motivated as i am.


  5. Monday, September 17, 2018

    why is this man sweating like a dog? 

    because yesterday at wrigley field it was AT LEAST 90 degrees, probably hotter, with no wind in the Windy City, no shade in the center field bleachers for the 1:20pm start, so i had to use a formerly blonde girl as my umbrella which was fine until she melted in my hands like a chocolate Easter bunny left in a parked car in July in Mexico City.

    but i drank Old Style, poured water on my head, hid out beneath the bleachers, and put a Slushie down my shorts. it was Heaven, even though the Cubs didn’t win.

    This was Amber’s first trip to Chicago and I hope she had a good time. When we went to the only stand that serves Old Style, she spotted Nachos on the menu and asked if it came with Pico de Guy-o. i was all, girl these people don’t know what that is. (and they didn’t), instead they said, if you get the nachos in the Cubs helmet it comes with EVERYTHING WE HAVE (for the low price of $20). when we saw the Cubs at Dodger Stadium she had nacho envy any time she spied someone eating out of a helmet so she didnt pass up the chance of eating all that gooey cheese and chili (!) in the Friendly Confines.

    we were there with my long time friend Monica who ive known since the first day of high school, her handsome husband Patrick, and later we met up with Andy Sternberg and his friend (whose brother has been beating me in the busblog fantasy leagues for far too long)

    here we are beneath the bleachers hiding from the heat as we ate and drank and watched the game on tv alongside two football games and enjoying the Cub fans root against the Packers on such a good Sunday it was hard to believe.

    and im telling you ive never sweated so much in my life. i immediately took my shirt off despite my belly that reveals im 7 months pregnant (it’s a boy!) but that did no good. so i took off my pants. then my socks. and finally my fur coat. still the sweat was pouring out of me like i had sprung a leak. speaking of… there was a rumor that gentlemen were no longer allowed to take their shirts off at wrigley any longer, especially in the Bleachers. which was something that i couldn’t wait to get thrown in jail for. because some of my favorite baseball men had bared their boobies in the bleachers in the past.

    the best being mr bill veeck, who planted the ivy on the walls of wrigley way back.

    who had a wooden leg.

    who even though he bought the white sox and turned the old comiskey into such a fun place – despite being riddled with american league bozos and south side fans.

    the point bill was always making, was the same thing that Andrew W.K. makes today, which is life is short, take off your shirt, and party party party because soon we will be dead and in Heaven and we will have to be ready for the ultimate party up there, which probably also does not include shirts or both of our legs. so lets get some practice in now.

    and of course the other is the grand daddy of them all, Mr. Harry Caray who also didn’t have the most Grecian physique but did. not. give. one. fuck. are we not men? and look, the ladies loved him for it. as did the kids. as did the long haired stoners. as did every man woman and child. for fun is universal and man boobs and bellies denote a certain freedom and joie de vreeve that we all admire and desire. so fuck yeah i took my shirt off immediately and wiped my face with it because it was hotter than than a stripper on a mid day pole and i was sweating harder than a long tailed cat at a rocking chair convention. throw me out copper – but they never did for they were hot as hell too.

    which brings us to Old Style.


    i am a man of a certain age

    who remembers a time when the bleachers were not always packed (or $70 on stub hub), and people weren’t clamoring to build houses and hotels on the monopoly boards of Clark and Addison.

    indeed, my mom would give teenage me $10 to go to the game, and $3 got us a bleacher seat, $5 got you an old style, and you could probably get a hot dog for $2 and you were in hog heaven. apparently it’s tough to pay millionaires tens of millions more to play for your team with those sorts of prices, and people really do love their beer, so jack up the rates they did. but they also cut certain deals with giant brewers like Budweiser to make them the semi-exclusive distributor of suds in the stands. 

    but somehow even these genius businesspeople know that Old Style is as synonymous to the Cubs as ivy and day games. so ownership, God Bless em, told Bud that they really couldn’t rip Lacrosse Wisconsin’s greatest export from Wrigley, in part because men my age are nostalgic about certain things like our first beer. And we will pay top dollar and we will seek out the one stand beneath the stands that no one goes to, in order to relive their childhood.

    and that stand still exists under the right field bleachers and a portion of the proceeds goes to a special school on the North West Side of town and i guess that made it ok for Budweiser which made it ok with the Cubs which made it ok with the world. so i buy it and drink it and love it. OK?!

    the Brewers lost too which brought the Cubs Magic Number down to 11.  the team travels to AZ today to take on the red hot Diamondbacks as part of a 30-game stretch without a day off. and they are def limping into Bethlehem barely able to scratch a run or two together, but fortunately the pitching is so strong.

    like my B.O.

  6. Friday, August 24, 2018

    things im against 

    lights at wrigley field

    that huge video scoreboard at wrigley field


    men who try to tell women what to do with their bodies

    people who drive slowly in the passing lane

    buildings that have the AC blowing super cold and everyone has to wear jackets

    mcdonalds breakfasts where a breakfast sandwich, hashbrowns and an OJ that costs $8

    H&R Block

    the Chicago White Sox

    the MLB Hall of Fame

    when people see that two lanes is turning into one but they speed up in the merging lane anyways

    whoever the dude was who was using his table saw last night as i was saying my prayers

    dudes who dont wash their hands after peeing

    global warming deniers

    fox news guests


  7. Friday, July 27, 2018

    they say movie pass is dying 

    you know what Springsteen says

    everything that dies some day comes back

    put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty

    and meet me tonight in Atlantic City.

    in other news, my computer has died so everyone is telling me to get a refurbished Mac from 2015

    because that was the year they made the last great Macs

    weirdly they cost as much as brand new ones.

    which is sorta cool i guess because my now-dead one lasted 7 years.

    and i used it every day

    and i wrote to you almost every day.

    and mama mia all the videos i saw on it and cubs games and work i did on it.

    so i for sure got my moneys worth.

  8. Tuesday, April 10, 2018

    for some reason amber and i rarely get time off at the same time 

    she likes to get to work an hour early and stay an hour early

    and she likes to take the bus to work

    then on her days off shes either working out at the yoga studio

    or hiking or volunteering or going to baby showers

    so believe it or not we are rarely alone for long periods of time.

    but yesterday was supposed to be the Cubs home opener

    and ever since i was a boy i would either negotiate a day off with my mom or steam in the classroom like a pouty lad.

    you see back in the day the cubs only played day games when they were at home, so…

    so i got the day off at work and she realized she had sunday and monday off too so i said hey lets take advantage of your hotel discount

    and we shuffled off to palm springs because we wanted somewhere warm where we could lay out by the pool and just relax and hold hands and sleep in and braid each others hair.

    one thing that is pretty fascinating about us is neither of us have much of an agenda when traveling or not traveling. amber likes to eat soup and salads while drinking all the tea in china.

    and i like to drive, drink a coke, and eat the most disgusting things man can create. other than that anything goes. so we had a pretty great time just walking around, driving around, and checking out as many hotels as we could so we would know where to stay on our next journey.

    even though amber works at the waldorf we stayed at the miramonte because it was like 30% cheaper. but when we visited the waldorf palm springs we saw that it was 10x cooler looking in real life than it was in the pictures. also it has 40 little pools. so that may make it into the blog at some point in the future if i dont bore amber with my nonsense.

    speaking of nonsense, the cubs got Snowed out on their opening day and it got moved to today but neither of us felt it would have been responsible to also take today off so i will suffer a little.

    but the trip was so good that i will do so with a smile on my face.

  9. Tuesday, November 14, 2017

    thank you Rise, wherever you are 

    when i was in high school i took an Iowan college up on an offer to visit their school.

    a bus drove around suburban Illinois picking up kids like us who had signed up to spend the night in Cornell College. on the bus i saw two beautiful young ladies, Rise (pictured, left) and her best friend Tracy (not pictured). i enjoyed the college but i knew i was probably going to come to LA for my studies.

    so before we got on the bus for the long ride back to Illinois i made sure that i sat near the two pretty girls, and i succeeded. not only that but we all hit it off. Tracy and Rise didn’t go to Cornell either, they chose, instead a school in Wisconsin. Since these were the days before the internet (!), we wrote letters back and forth and occasionally i called Tracy because i had, what the kids called, the hot for her, which i no disrespect to Rise who had the bluest eyes ive ever seen.

    one day Rise told me she was going to spend a semester in Switzerland and i should visit her. i laughed it off because i was 20. who goes to Europe when they’re 20 simply because they were invited? i was selling TVs in west LA and i was doing pretty well at it. one thing led to another and i found myself not going to UCSB right away. i had 4 months to think about the bad job i had done at Santa Monica College.

    so i wrote Rise and said, see you at the Swiss Army Knife Store! and i went to Europe for the first time and it changed my life. one thing i learned was travel is relatively inexpensive. another thing was that people around the world understand American politics better than most Americans. “Foreigners” are able to see past the racism that is intertwined within US politics and question it. miraculously. it made me feel guilty that i wasn’t as educated in politics as much as i should be.

    from that trip i started subscribing to newspapers because all the smart people i met read at least one paper and often three. subsequently, each time i have visited europe i found that my first trip wasn’t unusual: europeans not only know US politics inside and out, but they also know their own, brilliantly. they also know several languages, how to drink, and how dangerous guns are in society.

    looking back at this, now 30 years later, i feel so blessed that i went on that bus to a college i knew i was never going to attend, and had the courage to chat up the two hottest babes on that bus, and was in the position to be able to visit Rise (and her super cool friend Ae) in Switzerland, a trip that led me to visit several other countries on that journey… because it deeply shaped me as an adult. and i am so grateful. sooooo grateful.

  10. Thursday, November 2, 2017

    shout out to my friends, Dodger fans 

    of all people i know how bad it hurts to lose and important series.

    when I first moved to LA in 1984 the Cubs lost to the San Diego Padres in the playoffs.

    several tragic things happened in that series.

    Leon “Bull” Durham let an easy ground ball go between his legs.

    And my once favorite Dodger, Steve Garvey, crushed a homer that would basically dash the dreams of teenage Tony.

    ive never been able to look at San Diego with joy since and once i returned there in 1985 i was jeered with chants of

    Eighty-Four, Eighty-Four.

    to which i vowed to never return to that godforsaken land ever again.

    i have since amended that promise.

    i will only return if it is to make the final push that sends it floating into the sea.

    so when i say things like “the only thing San Diego is useful for is to pee before heading to Mexico”, it is rooted in that 84 Championship Series.

    today for Cub fans, however is a memorable one.

    sort of a holy day.

    for a year ago today the Cubs won the World Series in dramatic fashion.

    many of the angels and saints in Heaven delayed the game with rain so all of the souls of past Cub fans could gather round and see history get made.

    i sat on a couch with my mother and we watched and i drank beer and later poured some out for the brothers who weren’t there.

    children by the millions around Chicagoland can now visit places like San Diego and not be scarred for life.

    but know that somewhere theres a teenager or two in LA

    who will never have warm feelings towards Houston ever again.

    and to them, i totally get it.