nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, October 16, 2017

    apparently a walk off home run was hit by the dodgers last night 

    i wouldnt know because the television was turned off seconds before the critical moment.

    a pretty girl in my home was the one who did the honors.

    moments before the moment she asked

    why did the batter, then the pitcher, then the catcher all call time out?

    i said because everyone’s very nervous because a hit ends the game and an out gives the Cubs another chance to take this series to Wrigley tied up.

    she was very hyper for some reason as i stood in my bedroom staring at the tv

    rooting each and every pitch

    as my cats snoozed on the nearby bed.

    then suddenly she lunged towards the electronics and the tv turned off.

    she didn’t hit the power button on the remote

    she literally unplugged the complicated set-up.

    i raced to the living room to fire up the tv there because Lord knows how long it would take me to resuscitate the bedroom situation

    but the living room tv betrayed me as it needed to warm up and and and ahhhhhhh so i ran back to the bedroom and began the arduous task of rewiring the setup

    and as i did i heard the familiar strains of Randy Newman’s “I Love LA”

    the 30+ year old song that the Dodgers play at the end of a victory.

    the television did not show me anything but a sickening blue screen of death

    but it did let me know everything i needed to know

    because of that music.

    i knew the Cubs had lost.

    they would not be playing that delightful tune if mighty Casey had struck out.

    i stopped what i was doing.

    i put on my pants and a shirt.

    i found my phone.

    i kissed the girl on the cheek, and said, i need to take a walk.

    she said, i didnt mean to–  i said, i know you didn’t.

    i know.

    and i drove.

    and i drove.

    to the 99 cent store

    and bought $27 worth of fuck if i know what.

  2. Saturday, October 7, 2017
  3. Tuesday, August 15, 2017

    the key to success is to keep trying weird ass shit 

    the World Champion Chicago Cubs did something a little different yesterday

    actually, World Series Champion manager Joe Maddon tried something different.

    the mighty Joey Votto of the Cincinnati Reds was up. he’s a super good hitter.

    so Maddon took his third baseman, the reigning NL MVP Kris Bryant

    and placed him between the left and center fielders.

    this allowed his corner outfielders to get closer to the foul lines

    and it tempted Votto to sacrifice his power and instead poke the ball to the wide open spaces of left.

    Maddon is well renown for trying new approaches to the centuries old baseball


    sure there are critics from time to time who spout stupid ass shit but he’s got a ring and they don’t, so suck it, traditionalists.

    what Maddon did last night and does frequently by doing things like batting the pitcher 8th and having a dance party after every win, is what many successful people do:

    whatever they damn well please as long as they continue to win.

    yesterday Votto creamed a hanging curveball over first base for a double



    (Cubs won 15-5, btw)

  4. Monday, July 31, 2017

    because the Cubs are angels on earth, they gave Bartman a ring 

    im not good at forgiving people

    im very good at holding a grudge.

    my thing is if you got on my shit list you probably got there for more than one reason.

    and because im half Scorpio im not gonna give you a 100th chance to hurt me again.

    and because im mostly Libra there arent very many places where you can hurt me. so if you hurt me im actually a little surprised that you found that place.

    and if you got on the shit list you found that place and despite several warnings you kept at it. either you betrayed my trust or you abandoned me or you massively pissed me off.

    Steve Bartman ruined the Cubs’ chance to get into the World Series.

    and when he did he was pelted with beers and dogs and garbage and run out of the city of Chicago.

    he is still in hiding.

    he doesnt give interviews or write a blog or even send out homing pigeons. he sits in his basement with his new name and new family and tries not to get murdered by a Cub fan with anger issues.

    up until November Steve Bartman was on my Shit List Short List. like that little girl in Game of Thrones his name was close to my heart and if i ever crossed paths with him I would not let him forget the one thing that i knew he hadnt forgotten and im sure i woulda felt sad about it because my heart is filled with love, not hate.

    but hate sure has a few bedrooms in the building.

    but today the Cubs gave Bartman a ring. They put his name on it. And somehow the message reached to him and he messaged back.

    he said he was not worthy of the ring but he appreciated it and it represented the way people should treat each other.

    somehow Bartman had a great ticket for a playoff game. i believe he was a Cub fan. i believe he got caught up in the moment and made a mistake.

    i believe it was the worst mistake he’d ever made.

    i have made a few mistakes. one of them i asked forgiveness for and i was granted forgiveness.

    but because i STILL feel so bad about it, i don’t even believe that i was really forgiven.

    in fact i think it will keep me from entering Heaven.

    i used my superpowers for selfish reasons. and then i hurt someone very very sweet.

    that action has changed me.

    i am not as full of love as i once was.

    i am more guarded because in some ways i dont even trust myself any more because i dont ever want to hurt anyone like that again.

    id love to blame the xbi but this was all me.

    i fucked up.

    i am so sorry.

    i will forever be sorry.

    im sure Bartman will also be forever sorry.

    but now he has a ring, from the Cubs, that says, it’s ok bro. move on. get on with your life.

    and for the Cubs to do that is just another reason i love them so much.

  5. Wednesday, June 28, 2017

    The 3rd string catcher who hit that Grand Salami in the playoffs is gone 

    Miguel Montero, the cool under pressure, but one who was known to keep it real when a reporter’s mic was in his face, has “cut ties” with the World Champion Chicago Cubs today in the wake of him OMG criticizing struggling pitcher Jake Arrieta after one dude for the Nationals stole 4 bases off the battery yesterday in the Nation’s Capitol.

    “That’s the reason they were running left and right today because they (Arrieta) were slow to the plate. Simple as that,” the 33 year-old backstop told reporters. “It’s a shame it’s my fault because I didn’t throw anyone out.

    “It really sucked because the stolen bases go on me but when you really look at it the pitcher doesn’t give me any time so yeah, ‘Miggy can’t throw anyone out’ but my pitchers don’t hold anyone on.”

    Montero hasn’t thrown out any baserunners in 31 attempts this season. He is owed $14 million for this season, which the Cubs will probably eat as they attempt to move him within 10 days.

    The hero of Game 1 of last year’s NLCS was super classy when he took to Twitter today to say adios to the city, the fans, and the Cubs

  6. Saturday, May 27, 2017

    went to the cubs game last night with todd 

    i dont know what it is with that guy but every time im with him i want to get back into journalism

    the ideas just come flowing out.

    he hates all of them, naturally, but whatever, here they come.

    he bought incredible seats.

    we were near the most incredibly annoying dude in the park: loud, stupid, obvious

    i got to the game early because i didnt drive much after work. hadnt eaten well all week and i didnt really want to abuse my body with the typical two dogs nachos and a giant coke. so as i was walking around i saw this lady with a Poke Bowl. i was all, where did you get that?

    and i pointed right at her bowl which had an enormous mound of edamame twinking in the sunshine.

    she said its called Base Bowls, all the way by the left field pole.

    cruised over and saw they also had a chicken teriyaki bowl with tons of broccoli.  my love.

    $12 seemed a tad less rapey than the other prices at the park

    but they also got me for $7 for a Coke.

    later i bought three $14 beers.

    afterwards we took the shuttle to the train station. i took the purple line to the red line

    which only took about four hours.

    and i inhaled the most foul stenches of all

    and was invited to a duel by a mild mannered homeless dude

    who quickly became ill tempered.

    im starting to see why ridesharing has become so popular.

  7. Saturday, May 13, 2017

    80 years ago today Bill Veeck convinced the Cubs to plant ivy 

    my heroes arent the ones with lots of money or good looks or fancy cars.

    they’re idea people. but more, they were convincing enough to get the ideas out there.

    one of my heroes is Bill Veeck. Not Bill Sr, but Jr.

    Senior was a sportswriter in Chicago almost exactly 100 years ago. In his daily column he would often speculate what he would do if he was running the Cubs. Eventually William Wrigley Jr gave him a shot as Vice President to try out some of those ideas in real life and the Cubs won the NL pennant. So Wrigley made Veeck president of the club where he remained for about 15 years until he died.

    Long time readers will remember that I used to write daily blog posts here where I would start off by saying Dear LA Times, you suck…. and I would then give away secrets of how they could improve if only they hired me. Eventually they let me run their blogs and our traffic increased by 2,300% until some genius convinced them that they could do it without me. LOL.

    After Veeck Sr. died, his son sold peanuts in the stands at Wrigley Field. 80 years ago today Bill Veeck Jr. got the ear of the Wrigleys and told them about an idea that wouldn’t cost much money but would add a touch of class and uniqueness to the ballpark. The idea was ivy covering the bricks. Which today still grows at the Friendly Confines.

    Veeck Jr., would go on to own the crosstown White Sox and there he would let his imagination go wild while innovating baseball — and other sports. He introduced the exploding scoreboard that would shoot off fireworks whenever someone from the home team hit a homer, he put the players names on the back of their jerseys to appease people who didn’t want to buy scorecards, he put a showerhead in left field so people could cool off on hot Chicago afternoons. He even set up a barbershop in the bleachers in Center Field so a man could get a haircut while watching the game.

    One of his most overlooked ideas was letting the fans decide if a pitcher should get pulled from the game or if they should put in a pinch hitter.

    But maybe the best idea he ever had was hiring the lovably wild Harry Caray as the White Sox’ broadcaster and letting him do whatever the hell he wanted to do, which soon included singing Take Me Out To The Ball Game during the 7th inning stretch.

    When Veeck got old he sold the White Sox, he was often seen back across town in the bleachers of Wrigley cheering on the Cubs at the field he grew up in, in the park that he touched in such a beautiful way. He would be seen with his shirt off, in shorts revealing his wooden leg, sipping on an Old Style, just feet away from the ivy that wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for him.

  8. Wednesday, April 5, 2017

    why are the Frisco Giants and SD Padres playing with each other 

    todays Cubs game against the Cardinals is rained out.

    of course it its. it’s April 5th and the game is supposed to be played in St. Louis. a terrible place, especially in early April, in part because of the people, but also because of the weather.

    on the left coast, for some reason the SF Giants and the SD Padres are playing each other beneath clear skies.

    if i was running baseball, which i should be, the month of April would be games hosted solely on the West Coast, in Florida, Texas, ATL and in domes.

    why wouldn’t they?

    sure the east coast teams and midwest teams would be on the road for the first 30 days, but so what? why put butts in seats in foul weather cities in April? wheres the joy in that, Mudville?

    instead, LA, Miami, Atlanta, Toronto, San Diego, and Seattle all started on the road this week? For why?

    in the last 60 hours the Cubs and the White Sox have been rained out three times in two different cities and the Sox game is in jeopardy vs Detroit tonight. In this modern world where interleague games are the norm, why aren’t the Sox playing in the dome of Seattle and why aren’t the Cubs in LA or SD or AZ?

    Because the MLB schedulemakers want that Cubs Cards rivalry to kick off the season OMG OMG

    well how good is it when there are rainouts?

    last year the Cubs opened in Anaheim. perfect! it’s Opening Day week. fans are excited anyway. you don’t need to hedge your bets and have rivals play right off the bat. the seats will be sold.



  9. Tuesday, January 3, 2017
  10. Friday, December 30, 2016

    2016, a year in review 

    in january mcdonalds introduced mozzarella sticks but people complained you couldnt taste the cheese and when the company realized that it would not be profitable to add enough cheese to the stick to satisfy people, they discontinued the item. RIP mozzarella sticks.

    in february, pop singer Kesha, who had asked her record label, Sony, to release her from her contract because she claimed her producer, Dr. Luke, sexually abused her, had her request denied by the NY supreme court because it said her contract was technically with his company and not Sony. for his part, Dr. Luke refused to break or alter the contract. Kesha claimed she could not ever work with him again because of what she had gone through and musicians went to Twitter to support the singer who at just 28 years old had sold over 40 million records. throughout the year she appeared at the Grammys, at Coachella, and on selected cities in a mini tour. in August she dropped her lawsuit against Dr. Luke and just last week she revealed that she is recording some very emotional material. RIP legal bills!

    he was fat, he was funny, he had a great accent, he drank a lot, he smoked crack, he did a radio show with his brother, he went to rehab, and in march he died. RIP Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

    in april Prince died. he was the most talented instrumentalist and singer ive ever seen. he couldnt walk five steps without four of them being sexy. for a week after his death all people wanted to talk about was his life, his mysterious passing, and all the times he blew our minds. this was a picture i took at the Troubadour in 2008 and almost got roughed up by his security when i was told to delete it immediately. fortunately i had texted it to my dear mother. what was notable about this performance was it was almost exclusively jazz, prince barely sang, it cost $100, and two of the kardashians were a few feet above me. i left disappointed, but i was royally disappointed in april. RIP Prince

    in may i ubered these brentwood school girls to a party in the hills of beverly and then whined about them when i got home. RIP Drake

    in june, boxing great Muhammad Ali died and newspapers from east to west paid tribute to him by putting his picture on the front page. except the LA Times, my favorite paper, the one i had loved for decades and subscribed to through thick and thin. they claimed the news came at them “after deadline” which drew criticism when newspapers in New York City seemed to have no problem printing the news despite the time difference. when my subscription ended in november i didn’t renew and the times didnt go out of their way to get me back. RIP subscription

    in july there were a rash of murders of black men by mostly white police. some of the killings were documented on video and when the united states of america saw it they were outraged because in some of the instances the police lied in their reports (before they knew a tape had been made), and zero of them went to jail. many of the men were unarmed when they were killed and when one police officer asked why he shot the man laying on this back with his arms up, he said I Dont Know. there were marches around the country and in LA the protesters formed an impromptu peace symbol in Inglewood just over the 405. the phrase black lives matter was formed but the courts and the police departments were all LOL. RIP black men

    in august the phone rang and the breathy slightly east coast femmey voice whispered who are you wearing? i said montgomery ward. she said take me to supper and then take me to the stars. it was zulieka, she had gotten a divorce and an airline ticket to america. she was in town. in a convertible in malibu. how quickly could i get to santa monica? i said, ask anyone: quickly. RIP plans

    i september in chicago, like most refined cub fans. the weather is beautiful, the beer is cold and usually bleacher seats are reasonably priced. this year the cubs were so far in first place that the demand was low even though every game was sold out. weird how that works. but my buddy bob secured a ton of tix and even made tshirts as we had quite the night. RIP st. louis

    in october the cubs faught their way through the playoffs and into the world series. tickets for the three games at wrigley were going for $4k-$20k each. someone asked me if i was going. i said i dont have $4k. they said why dont you try a gofundme. i said, well that sounds crazy and it will be embarrassing if it doesnt work but who cares, the cubs are in the world series woooooooo. and my friends all chipped in and there i was back in the bleachers of wrigley field but for the world series. and in the second row! i still dont believe it. RIP entire bucket list

    in november the cubs won the world series and i was still in chicago just in case this would happen and i went to the parade where they say 5 million people were, and people were literally dancing in the street. we all were. it was like nothing i ever expected. and way better. me and my mom went to wrigley and said hi to harry caray at his grave. less than a week later america would vote for hillary but america would deem donald trump the president. RIP america

    in decemeber we all realized we are gonna die and nothing matters any more.