i really wanted my post on medium to blow up yesterday

but things blowing up is a rare thing, next week i have this thing about coke that i bet you will do well in fact if i was smart id work on it all day today

but i am a dumb stupid foolish person.

anyways i saw something on twitter and noticed it was only 4 minutes old so i put it up on reddit and ba-zoom, nearly 1,000 upvotes and 5 people gave me things, one of them was Reddit Gold.

as you see, i rarely post things on reddit and the last two times i did it only got 20 and 29 upvotes.

reddit will quickly tell you if you’re out of touch.

and then boom Da Bearsssssss.

granted, it was sad and angry and i would not like to excel in those emotions, but it was nice to see when i least expected it.

when i wake up im interviewing one of howard stern’s long time interns

lets see how that goes

if i lived in chicago this would be me

i’d have season tickets. id wake up early for games. id take the train down dere.

id get wasted before the game at some tailgate.

id sit in my seat in the cold and the wind, and i’d be pissed most of the time.

in the summers i would see 40-50 Cubs games.

id have a house, a nice wife, probably a kid.

but id never see them between the work and the sports and the drinking.

i’d probably be dead by now.

it would have been a tasteful funeral.

it would have been from getting in a fight in the stands.

my tombstone would say

he had it coming.

two things will happen

eventuallyeither you’ll make some good contributions to the world and then you’ll die.

or you’ll make some whatever contributions to the world and then you’ll die.

we Gen Xers aren’t supposed to care about these things but we do secretly. very secretly.

weird thing is our generation hasnt become president yet. and it doesnt look like we will for a while.

theres gonna be hillary for eight years and then michelle obama for eight and then finally we’ll get in there with cory booker.

we’ll get in eventually.

until then heres what i plan on doing. i plan on giving money to pretty much any go fund me that appears on my facebook wall. why? why not. i dont go to church. i dont walk around DTLA much, how else am i supposed to give to charity?

a long time ago the Cubs were considered a charity. now they’re the presumptive world series champs.

so how else can we contribute to this planet?

for one i like to put little signs on peoples windows when they park ridiculously badly.

i also like to tell construction workers when theyre looking particularly fetching.

and of course i like to sit behind home plate and compliment the ump on his sharp eyes.

NO NEED FOR ROBOTS TODAY i like to shout a few times an inning.

yesterday i bought the NFL season pass from directv.

so i can get on twitter every sunday and encourage the Bears’ QB

to retire.

yr welcome.

what a crazy wonderful nearly perfect weekend


one of the bonuses of living in Hollywood is we get things that we dont deserve like special secret concerts

this weekend we were treated to three nights of Hollywood Bowl performances celebrating The Simpsons,

which is pretty much my favorite tv show of all time.

Conan, Weird Al, the people behind the voices, and even creator Matt Groening was there

it was fantastic and even had fireworks.

great rundown of highlights on Franklin Ave!


my buddy Chris who i watched the original four seasons with in college was there along with the Miller sisters

who could recite pretty much any line from any of the first 10 seasons.

i wore my Pin Pal bowling shirt and was so full of excitement and happiness that i literally puked with glee

during the live performance of The Bartman which lead into the fireworks.

really? yes. it was hot, i was drunk, i had eaten a sandwich with pickles, and i was overwhelmed.

now do you believe me that im a sensitive poet?

or was it the xbi….?


then yesterday there was the Miss America show. which was so amazing that if i had anything to puke i woulda puked too


it was a cross between Pop Up videos, and the worst portions of Toddlers and Tiaras.

no one should have won because there was very little to love about any of them except for how bizarre they were.


why did i watch it? oh because i love Miss America/Miss Universe but also I was on a super huge high after watching Da Bears

UPSET the San Francisco 49ers in an amazing comeback on Sunday Night Football.

there really is something absolutely wrong with me.

not women, not food, not even a live showing of The Simpsons can get me as emotional as a Chicago Bears football game

i get superstitious, i wont move, i cant drink, i can barely pee. im screaming at the TV

im live tweeting like a mad man. and finally im stomping around the house hugging the cats

and screaming to the church members jogging outside


i’m still flying high.

im weird.

busy weekend: kanye, her, hustle, black santa, sass


as you know, usually i like to sit at home and read old classics to the stray cats through my screen door

something crazy happened and i had stuff to do all weekend long starting with friday

scott shelley and me

beautiful shelley, sexy scott, and disneyland todd and i all ended up in anaheim to watch kanye

with special guest Jesus for the Yeezus show.

def the weirdest concert ive ever been to, and ive seen some crazy stuff

but does that mean it was good? hmmm. strangely id rate it a “meh”


which is oddly what id rate the new Spike Jonze joint “her” starring joaquin phoenix.

with special guest voice scarlett johannsen

on paper this should have been my favorite movie of the year

in the same way Ye shoulda been my favorite concert. but no. the answer is no.

i may have to see it again because maybe my hopes were up way too high

and its so weird that everyone is saying it was all that and Spring Breakers was terribul

but if you asked me which was better id say harmony beat spike this year: upset of 2013.


last night i saw american hustle, which i thought was gonna be a slam dunk

everyone was falling all over themselves to love the new david o russell film starring jennifer lawrence

pretty boy dude man, batman, and the lady who i thought the whole time was the secretary of the office

weirdly i also thought that ScarJo in her was really Rashida Jones


things i actually enjoyed this weekend that lived up to expectations:

hanging with shelley, scott, and todd.

waking up to a black santa on the front page of the LA Times


and eating delicious sushi with sass before her at los feliz’s best raw fishery.



Bears wide receiver hits NFL bullying right on the head

Brandon Marshall gave the totally perfect take on the sad situation happening down in Miami where Jonathan Martin quit the team after Richie Incognito allegedly verbally harassed him one time too many.

heres an excerpt from the video above

“Look at it from this standpoint,” Marshall, who in 2011 was treated for borderline personality disorder treatment, said. “You take a little boy and a little girl. A little boy falls down; the first thing we say as parents is, ‘Get up. Shake it off. You’ll be OK. Don’t cry.’ When the little girl falls down, what do we say? ‘It’s going to be OK.’ We validate their feelings.

“So right there from that ­moment, we’re teaching our men to mask their feelings, don’t show their emotions. And it’s that times 100 with football players. Can’t show that you’re hurt. Can’t show any pain.

“So for a guy that comes in a locker room and shows a little ­vulnerability, that’s a problem. That’s what I mean by the culture of the NFL. And that’s what we have to change.”

Very proud to be a lifelong Bears fan after hearing him say that

do i blame rex? hell yes.

Super Bowl XLIbut if i do that then i also have to credit rex for getting us to the super bowl, and im not so crazy about doing that either.

do i blame lovie and the offensive coordinator for not establishing the run before going to the air… in the rain… with basically a rookie quarterback?

hell yes.

fuck whoevers decision it was to pass on 1st and 2nd downs and run on 3rd and long.

if it was Opposite Day, kfc would have paid me to get a bucket of chicken to drown my sorrows.

da bears tried to pretend like they had peyton manning at qb. everything was a pass. and when the bears did run, they found some success. still they never went back to it, in a serious manner.

so yes, rex looked nervous back there, but whoever was calling the plays for the bears were nervous too. they did not trust the offensive line, they did not trust what got them to the super bowl, they did not trust their backs, and once it was only t jones in the backfield they stopped trusting him too.

8 rushes in the first half and 7 in the second half?


for most of the game the bears were in it, but then they literally threw it away. according to the post game report on comcast sportsnet chicago, 70% of the fans in the stands were there for the bears, and ironically the florida weather sucked the energy out of the wet and miserable fans.

prince was amazing though.

however whoever was in charge of the audio for the show should not just be fired, but hung, because that performance was so good it could have been a cd.

why does everyone freak out on super bowl sunday? you know prince is gonna be there. you know the songs hes gonna sing. mic the fucking band and equalize that shit and shit.

when i got home i got an email from one of ashleys sisters telling me that ashley had gotten engaged, so yeah, perfect day.