nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, March 11, 2019

    ok this week i gotta get a job 

    ive been staying up, driving amber to work, driving home, reading the internet, reading the bible, listening to michelle obamas reading her book to me, petting the cats, eating oatmeal, not watching tv (!), talking to my mom

    thanks to daylight savings time its 130am right now and i wanna take a walk. but my neighborhood isn’t really the kind that you just stroll in on a crisp night. you can. you could. i could. i have. but if something went down, lets just say no one would be surprised. havent we had enough surprises?

    when i saw this picture of david bowie i realized i would have to dust off my business suit. it means business! it’s hilarious the dance we do to get a girlfriend a job entrance into a college a car loan an apartment. we wear clothes we know we wont wear in the office, we answer questions they probably will never ask again. i may even have to bring a briefcase of my work because who knows how difficult it will be to hook up your mac to their system? paper it is.

    and dance it is. we dance when we dont want to all the time. 8th grade dance. prom. weddings when youre a kid. night clubs. of all the times ive danced id say only a few of the times i really wanted to. the end of the 8th grade dance (i was the dj), a few of my friends’ weddings, a handful of concerts, the kitchen with amber, vegas with amber, waiting for tacos with amber.

    when i worked at mcdonalds this kid broke down the large cups cardboard boxes and laid them out in the parking lot. he started breakdancing. i think about that a lot. i should have learned from him.

  2. Thursday, September 1, 2016

    cars stopped being cool when they stopped making vans 


    she texted me the most forward, clear, what some would consider disgusting, invitation

    to dance.

    i knew the moves.

    the moves are simple.

    drunks do it.

    but theres two ways to get me to dance with you.

    give me an hour heads up and text me what youre gonna be wearing.

    or lie to me and say we’ll go for one drink and after we can pee in the alley

    nowadays i dont have a lot of pee left in me.

    so that outfit better really fit.

  3. Saturday, July 30, 2016
  4. Sunday, October 20, 2013
  5. Thursday, September 5, 2013

    not everyone should twerk 

    but if you do, make sure you have a spotter.

    the other day i heard a nice african american woman complain

    that when miley did her little dance on the mtv

    that she was disrespecting the african american culture.

    as many of my friends can attest to, i have no problems giving lots of credit

    to my people for all the contributions we have made to this planet

    but shaking ones ass i dont believe has a creator.

    im sure there was a First person who moved it in a celebratory fashion to a funky beat,

    but babies do that when you click on the lil wayne

    it’s in us. i dont think any one group can plant their flag on it.

    also, maybe it’s smarter to just pretend what miley did had zero to do with black folks.

    thats what im doing.

  6. Wednesday, March 6, 2013
  7. Tuesday, August 14, 2012

    alex asks “what did you think of Posh Spice muffing it at the Closing Ceremonies” 

    spice girls

    if what you are referring to is this little gif that is making the rounds, im not sure she muffed it.

    harking back to my days as a girl group choreographer, it looks like two pairs of the ladies have what we in the industry call “business” and she didnt.

    posh has no one to allemande around so she’s at rest for a measure.

    me, i would have had her be doing something, especially on a stage as big as that one.

    something like blowing on her nails.

    but i dont think she blew it.

    update: im being told she actually did blow it and was giving the evil eye to a female volleyball player who was making the moves on her man. #nevermind

  8. Sunday, December 4, 2011

    and now the worlds greatest pole dancer 

    this woman just pulls off harder and harder tricks as this goes on

    all while that Florence vs the Machine track blasts away

    and the audience goes wild,

    an audience who i can only assume has been watching other pole dancers

    as this was taped a few days ago at a pole dancing competition.

    apparently this is the type of thing you see when you get out of the house.

    keep letting your little light shine.