busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, February 3, 2017

    ive been sick all day 

    i woke up puking

    puked at night too.

    its my throat chamber. a little nose too.

    if i die give everything to the truest.

    give the rest to the ronald mcdonald house.

    i drove past them today as i was coming back from the store.

    ive lived here for so long and ive never donated anything to them.

    hopefully i live long enough to give them some of my fucking kick ass clothes

    and video games

    id give em my baseball cards but do they even know who those old players are?

    i guess thats how you learn.

    tonight i watched two episodes of The Young Pope on HBO. so good. i watched it standing up because i kept having to blow my nose.

    if i die put my body in a canoe on the lagoon at ucsb and have an archer shoot a flaming arrow at it and let it catch fire.

    i used to want my ashes to be spread around wrigley but they have country concerts there now and other bullshit so fuckit.

    isla vista lagoon.

    flaming arrow

    explosions.

    let bands play.

    kegs

    bring yr own cup.

  2. Friday, March 11, 2016

    there’s gonna be a day that i die 

    two years oldand on that day i dont want anyone to take it easy on me just because i died that day.

    we have this strange form of “politeness”- an unwritten rule – that says you can’t piss on the grave of the recently departed.

    i hate that.

    theres only one time when people from all over talk about you and thats the week that you die.

    if youve kept it real when talking about someone their whole life, why must that be put on pause simply because youve left this mortal coil?

    why must we bullshit each other during the week when we’re all talking about you?

    my guess is it’s rooted in some sort of superstition that The Gods are listening and will decide what to do with the dead’s soul based on what they’re overhearing from below.

    which is just as stupid as withholding criticism.

    if you loved me when i was alive and said so when i was alive, say so when i die.

    if you thought i was full of shit when i was alive and said so when i was alive, then lay it on me when i die. trust me, the comments will be up.

    and if you kept it all to yourself when i was alive and there is a conversation when i die, honor me in this way: add to the conversation. do not be stifled.

    if there is an afterlife and if im lucky enough to make it into Heaven, trust me, I won’t be reading the comments. I will be chasing Marilyn Monroe around a hot fudge hot tub with a giant super soaker.

    if there is an afterlife and im unlucky enough to be sent down to Hades, trust me, the Internet connection will blow and i wont be able to read what you say anyways, so go for it.

    and if there is no afterlife and my ashes are spread around the bleachers of Wrigley Field, trust me, i won’t know what you wrote.

    so go for it.

    live your life.

    that is the message of the busblog anyways: live. rock. be creative. be interesting. do not be stifled. be free. enjoy all the riches of modern life.

    which includes pissing on the graves of those you hated.

    or sending a million roses.

    me, id prefer Gerbers

    and honesty.

  3. Tuesday, September 1, 2015

    life, i have no complaints 

    deerwhile driving to work yesterday in my german commitment to excellence i saw a sight

    i saw a little girl, maybe 4 years old. 5 perhaps?

    with a blind persons cane.

    behind her was her mom or teacher.

    she was learning to walk with the cane next to a school.

    it destroyed me.

    sweetest cutest littlest girl and all the things she wont see ever.

    the ivy of wrigley field, a technicolor sunset

    a perfectly turned double play.

    i said to myself, you have nothing to complain about ever.

    when i passed that scene for some reason i looked back in my rear view mirror.

    and when i did i saw the little girl had tripped over an uneven part in the side walk

    and she fell into the grass.

    her little legs now above her head. cane gone. but right there.

    she reached for it but couldnt find it.

    and i died again.

    got to work. did work. ate lunch. did more work.

    afterwards i drove over to century city to pick up rich people and movie agents.

    got a ping at the most luxurious condo in LA. rihanna lives there when shes in town.

    i picked up three siblings. all very nice. mid 20s. we talked about china where one of them is in grad school.

    drove through some residential streets in beverly hills, hitting it off beautifully.

    sisters in the back seat, couldn’t have been nicer or prettier.

    they eyed me and i eyed them right back.

    brother next to me, jovial.

    until we saw two orange cones in the middle of the street.

    and a teenage boy sitting on his skateboard in the grass

    with his hands sorta covering his eyes

    in grief. but why?

    as we crept closer to the cones we saw why.

    a squooshed black cat.

    squooshed forever.

    his cat.

    gone.

    but right there.

  4. Thursday, February 6, 2014

    im on my knees 

    doc offic

    im on hold.

    the lady said the urologist only comes in on Tuesdays

    TUESDAYS?!?!

    i was all THIS IS LA I HAVE GOOD INSURANCE WTF WTF WTF I AM IN EXRUCIATING PAIN

    so sge said “so you have hmo and we are your insurance ppl?” n i said YESSSS

    so she put me on hold

    and now i have to hear this stupid message while i wait.

    heres what it should be “youre not gonig to die. we are ging to help you. we love you. we went to school for this. we love you, hod on. we are trying . i know this suks. and then play pink floyd or something nice.
    \\

    THE PILLS DONT WORK. BUT I CANT HAVE A DRINK. QHY DOES BOOZE REACT SO BADLY WITH PILLS. ALL I WANT IS A SHOT OF RUM AND A KISS

    if this kills me this is what i want on my tombstone

    <\ busblog>

  5. Sunday, November 10, 2013

    a sweet girls brother died today 

    20131111-002009.jpg

    she’d been crying all day when she finally called me

    then she cried more.

    he was exactly the type of fellow that you’d expect to go out like this

    yet when it happens it’s still a big sad terrible shock.

    plans have to be made. people fly out. Sadness everywhere.

    she wants to do a paddle out.

    It’s a surf thing. You spread their ashes at sea.

    at sunset.

    I knew there was a reason it’s supposed to be 90 on Wednesday.

  6. Friday, May 17, 2013

    bill murray on the last time he ever partied with gilda radner 

    bill murray and gilda radner on saturday night live

    Gilda got married and went away. None of us saw her anymore. There was one good thing: Laraine had a party one night, a great party at her house. And I ended up being the disk jockey. She just had forty-fives, and not that many, so you really had to work the music end of it. There was a collection of like the funniest people in the world at this party. Somehow Sam Kinison sticks in my brain. The whole Monty Python group was there, most of us from the show, a lot of other funny people, and Gilda. Gilda showed up and she’d already had cancer and gone into remission and then had it again, I guess. Anyway she was slim. We hadn’t seen her in a long time. And she started doing, “I’ve got to go,” and she was just going to leave, and I was like, “Going to leave?” It felt like she was going to really leave forever.

    So we started carrying her around, in a way that we could only do with her. We carried her up and down the stairs, around the house, repeatedly, for a long time, until I was exhausted. Then Danny did it for a while. Then I did it again. We just kept carrying her; we did it in teams. We kept carrying her around, but like upside down, every which way—over your shoulder and under your arm, carrying her like luggage. And that went on for more than an hour—maybe an hour and a half—just carrying her around and saying, “She’s leaving! This could be it! Now come on, this could be the last time we see her. Gilda’s leaving, and remember that she was very sick—hello?”

    We worked all aspects of it, but it started with just, “She’s leaving, I don’t know if you’ve said good-bye to her.” And we said good-bye to the same people ten, twenty times, you know.

    And because these people were really funny, every person we’d drag her up to would just do like five minutes on her, with Gilda upside down in this sort of tortured position, which she absolutely loved. She was laughing so hard we could have lost her right then and there.

    It was just one of the best parties I’ve ever been to in my life. I’ll always remember it. It was the last time I saw her.

     – Live from New York: an Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live

  7. Thursday, May 31, 2012

    a good man’s brother was murdered this morning 

    princess di

    he was a popular chiropractor who worked in a neighborhood that i often frequent.

    beaten to death.

    why are we doing this weird little dance down here,

    always pretending we’re gonna be here forever.

    some jackhole can just enter our little world and blow out our brief candle.

    or a car crash happens and we’re no longer princess of earth.

    why do we live in the same place, date the same person, do the same things.

    this planet is huge, why arent we exploring.

    this life is quick, why arent we living.

    by we i mean me.

    theres so much inside me, theres so much i want to do, theres so much

    why am i sitting on it.

    is it even still in there

  8. Thursday, March 1, 2012

    died at 43 of natural causes 

    andrew breitbart matt welchwoke up early this morning
    to finish something i was procrastinating.
    and because i spent a good deal of the evening
    drinking sake and beers with karisa
    i had a special guest in my bed this morning:
    a throbbing hangover.
    so me and the hangover laid there
    looking at the clock say 6am-ish
    and i closed my eyes and thought about my mortality.

    namely the fact that i was forty-something
    with no legal heirs to my kingdom.
    my hangover was convincing me
    that it was perfectly fine not to reproduce
    “way too many people on this rock anyways.”
    and i thought about how about half of my smart friends have offspring
    and about half of my smart friends do not.
    and i thought about those nice women out there who i might consider cursing with my seed
    and i thought how much better the rest of their lives would be without such a fate.

    but i kept thinking: maybe all the smart friends should just get it together these next few years
    and continue to add our DNA to the global slam dance and keep this conga line going
    and then i thought wow that is a horrible reason to bring life into this world.
    and then my bladder was all, ok moron, lets get out of bed.

    i did the thing and turned on my laptop and saw a cohort write that Andrew Breitbart
    had died at 43 of natural causes.
    many things flooded my still aching head.
    some classy, most not.
    ok, none classy.
    all i know of the gentleman was he didnt seem like a gentleman to me.
    he helped blogs and websites that to me didnt need any help.
    but for that i am to believe that he was some sort of genius.
    he also didnt seem to be a very honorable or fully truthful fellow.

    but heres the problem with my smart friends of whom i was thinking about earlier:
    they know Everyone.
    and there on Twitter several of them were saying things like, if i may summarize:
    i didnt always agree with him, but he wasnt the tool people thought he was.
    also there on twitter i read various degrees of schadenfreude
    which is often distasteful, no matter how biting and clever or hilarious.
    but i also read many on the so-called Left giving the man props for a variety of reasons.

    and then there were my smart friends again who were truly sad at this person’s passing.

    which made me seriously question
    my perception of the man
    because until this morning i felt very comfortable in discounting his work and ambitions
    as predictable, self-centered, non-helpful, polarizing, ridiculous, and bad for blogging

    one of the smartest of my smart friends wrote an excellent blog post today about Mr. Breitbart which i highly recommend, if only because he is one of the few people you will read today who knew him who was neither a liberal or a conservative and actually liked him. Impossible, you say? Hardly. Funny how when you actually get to know people you tend to omg appreciate them.

    another smart friend just wrote me an email and said, “Yeah, I never talked politics with Andrew or mentioned Hollywood because of that Hulk effect it had on him, the red-eye, spitting-fire thing, but I absolutely loved this man, his vitality, his roaring laugh. He was so much fun to be around, so generous, not a mean bone in his body. He introduced me to many 80s songs, including The The ‘This is the day’. Well, this is an awful day…”

    because i love my smart friends i will have to take their word for it. they actually met him, and i only saw him on Bill Maher or on Fox or somehow stumbling into a hotel conference room right before Anthony Weiner was about to admit that yes that was his photos that he had sent to various young ladies.

    and even though i never considered Andrew (or anyone, really) an enemy, here is a quote from Proverbs about why it isn’t a great idea to piss on anyone’s grave

    “Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth: Lest the Lord see it, and it displease him, and he turn away his wrath from him.”

    rest in peace, friend of my friends. whoever you really were.

    photo of Andrew Breitbart in Los Feliz by Jackie Danicki, who adored him.

  9. Thursday, February 24, 2011

    two paths young grasshoppa 

    for the next four weeks (maybe five) i have been given the opportunity to be completely debauchurous or totally saintly.

    its a little dare from the universe. and you know i love dares.

    over the years my inbox has become bloated from weird little offers from fans of the busblog to do this or try that or fiddle with the other. usually i blush, flattered, and turn them down. which isnt to say i havent poked my toe into that tub to see what the temperature was, but even if it was fantastic, deep down im just a catholic lad from the midwest.
    but now might be the time to dive in for a lil bit.

    or i could go the way of the zen monk and shave my head (check), take off my shoes (check), and purify my soul (um).
    believe it or not but i did some of that ground work this past weekend in the desert. the heavy lifting, as it was. and now i feel stronger than ever and im filled with a confidence that i havent had since i was hitting all pistons back in LAist.

    friends, for quite a while i thought that my mojo had been stolen and either because of age or bad luck or voodoo i wasnt ever gonna get it back. i was a rudderless dingy out in the open seas. i was going to die the way of a coward and loser and phony baloney.

    but out in the distance i saw what appeared to be a light coming from a lighthouse. and as i made my way closer to shore i was able to land my crystal ship and see what there was to see. and there were two paths the easy and the difficult.

    the latter could bring death. the former could bring a chicken exit.

    you’ll never guess which i chose or what went down but im telling you im stronger than ever so it probably had nothing to do with being chicken.

    like in most things in life a tradeoff happened. and although i am sad for the price i had to pay, in the long run erryone is probably better off. plus i got to prove to myself and others that i really still have all the chutzpah, moxie, and soul i sometimes pretend i have.

    and now that i write all of this down im starting to think the quiet spiritual cleanse might be exactly what would fit me right now, because the punk rock of last week may have been enough.

    all i know is tonite i get to go to the gym and eat magic sushi with karisa afterwards. a reunion of sorts cuz i dont think ive seen your pal karisa in an entire month, if thats possible.

    cue x’s see how we are

  10. Monday, February 21, 2011

    death in vegas 

    i havent eaten much.

    thats about all i am at liberty to discuss in detail.

    things are going to stay here.

    some amazingly dark things’ll stay here.

    not the least including two times when i could have died or at least become seriously injured.

    the entire time i was laughing.

    one may say i laughed at death.

    those are some of things that you probably should never talk about again.

    even in a blog where nothing is true.

    even in a world where when you die you go to heaven.

    whose to say that this isnt paradise: the weather? the traffic? we could be in a place that doesnt have those things. truth is we barely even visit those places and then when we do we complain about this or that or the other.

    would we complain in real paradise? would we laugh at life?

    all i know is theres flashes of paradise in our worlds a lot.

    little miracles of beauty,

    some of which we deserve.

    like whats the ratio of pants to no pants in your world right now

    and how are you dealing with it?

    how will you deal with it later?

    dont laugh at death from fear

    laugh to welcome the party