how Directv could get me back as a customer

hannah davis directv geniefor 19 years i was a very satisfied directv satellite customer, and for several years i had my own company of installing other people’s directvs.

i loved my dish so much i had it on my front porch for years.

but then one day AT&T offered to bundle a package of high speed internet, a land line, and a cable tv lineup that rivaled directv in selection and beat them on price.

for the last two years now, like a jilted obsessive ex-lover they send me offers weekly (if not more) trying to get me back.

such a waste of money when all they had to do was send one handwritten letter saying:

we love you, we miss you, how can we make this thing work.

the simple answer is: give me faster internet. give people 18Mbps for $40 a month and give me a deal of all the hd and local channels + hbo for $99.

if you cant make money giving people 2013-quality internet speed and excellent Directv tv for $149 a month, you cray.

because and now Amazon + EA Sports has taken away any reason I need directv for football and baseball packages, the drawback of those two packages is it doesn’t mesh with my cable box (or your receiver). Make it so that it will.

if the Directv Genie (pictured) can integrate programming that is coming into the house and ending up on the tv, even though it’s not coming through the dish, then it will truly be the worlds greatest receiver box.

why doesnt want to own the worlds greatest receiver box?

you are in that business. how do i know? because i remember being charged $5 a month for the box. by the way, knock that off. thats the sort of nickel-and-dime-ing that i dont miss.

give the people a smart cable box, give them four buttons on the remote you know they’ll push: HBO, NFL, MLB, Netflix, and mr gorbachov, tear down this wall.

two more sure fire ways you would woo me back.

1. i miss MTV. the old school MTV: music videos, vjs, little concerts, music news. you can bring that back. and it would make people think of Directv as a tastemaker of music for the first time in forever.

2. the entirety of news music politics weather and entertainment gets funneled through directv and shot out into millions of tv homes. you should have the greatest blog of all. but alas…

i used to have a rule here that i wouldnt write a new post

unless i got at least one comment on the previous post. i guess those days of snobbery are gone – for now. but dont get used to this latest trend.

yesterday i found myself in some interesting conversations with DirecTV who want to charge me $299 to upgrade to HD. that part is ok with me, but whats not ok is they want to still own the receiver box.

currently im not on HD and i own the receiver box, and like the commercial says – with ownership comes privileges. one of them was i was able to take my box to my bro at E! and he put two huge whomping hard drives in there and some underground software and i was able to store way more tv programming in my hacked box than a man could ever need.

plus that box was free.

now DirecTV wants to charge me for something that used to be free, and then keep what i just paid for. very interesting. reminds me of the time that i wanted to have a girlfriend who would live in my house, clean my crap, do my laundry, bang me, and cook for me

and not get a diamond ring.

then i said, ok, well i want the TV delivered the same time my new HD DirecTV gets delivered, when can the new dish get to my house?

they said, we cant tell you until you order the delivery of the dish.

i was all, what if you tell me it wont get here for a few weeks?

they said, that might be a possibility.

i said, but i wouldnt want the damn thing if that was the case.

they said, dude, thats the way it is.

id love to tell them that with that attitude i would take my business elsewhere, but they know ive been a customer for 13 years now.

they know i aint going nowhere.

and theyve done a beautiful job stopping hackers and theives from stealing their signal.

so i had to pay full hit and pay for delivery BEFORE i had a date.

oh hdtv, you be as great as you were in the showroom.

above: a photo of close to 9,000 people making snow angels

directv man came over.

ashley directv satellite dishmexican dude named thom.

he said he knew who i was and it was an honor to hook my ass up.

he gave me a new directv receiver with tivo built in. he ran a second line from the dish.

we talked about baseball, black girls, and linux.

when i tell you i have the greatest life in the world

then he said have you ever seen the vaporizer

i was all, yeah, i saw it on venice beach two days ago.

he said its healthier for you yo.

77. tom

thom was about 25, his two way nextel kept beeping and he would say

im with a customer and shit essay

and i was telling him about turning the tivo into a 200 hour box and he was all you need a plasma in here

i was all, duh.

he told me that hes about to get one for twenty five

i was all thats a great price

and he was like yeah

fell off a truck.

i laughed and said cant fight gravity.

when he made the call into direct tv i gave him ten bucks. the whole thing lasted maybe a half hour.

most of the time he was telling me how sorry he was about the cubs.

i was wearing my white w tshirt.

its a white shirt with a huge blue w on it.

when the cubs win a game they raise a white flag on the flag pole on the corner of waveland and sheffield. on that white flag is a blue w. if they lose they raise a white flag with an l.

if i was in an punk band i would wear a ripped white tshirt with a big l on it.

thom said hey how come your house is so messy?

i said, cuz im about to write a novel.

he said make sure it starts off great. i’ll put a book down after 5 pages if it starts bad.

i said, its gonna start off describing this girl from her shoes up to her socks to her knees to her skirt up her blouse over her neck through her hair up and around her lips and eyes and see that shes kissing another girl

and theyre kissing because theyre happy

and excited.

and then we will describe the other girl, but this time from the inside starting at the top through the brain, down the throat through the heart and the lungs in the gut out the ass in through the sex down the legs cuz you can split in two in novels down the calfs and out through the toes.

thom said and then what.

and i said and then everything.

and he said, no specifically what right after that.

and i said strap on

and he said strap on? isnt that, you know, played out, obvious.

i was all, its symbolic

she straps it on and the chapter ends right there.

new chapter

he handed me the phone and i talked to the directv woman and she hooked me up with a sweet little package for six months and we talked about oklahoma football, to which she was quite knowledgeable.

and we were done and he wrote his name and number on the back of my receipt and he said any time you need anything

and as good as i was as an installer, i was never half as a good as my man thom was this morning.

he stays down in hawthorne

aaron + gorilla + chokey chicken