nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 13, 2016

    why i like to sit in the bleachers 

    one day i want to make a tv series, a sit com, about angels in heaven and how they look down and comment and futz around with this or that to make things better

    in one of the episodes i want to explain why wrigley field in chicago was clearly aided by Someone Above

    in part because there isn’t a bad seat in the house

    other than those behind poles

    and how the best seats in the joint are probably the humble backless benches in the bleachers

    i like to sit there because, and no disrespect, but i believe the best fans are there

    in the olden days they used to also be the most frugal, but due to the secret getting out that the bleachers are so unique at wrigley, the same bleacher seats that i used to pay $3 for in high school now go for $64 and can cost three times the price of sitting in the upper deck ($21).

    at dodger stadium the secret isnt out yet so theyve converted the right field bleachers into an all you can eat gorgefest. for as low as $33, but your ticket includes unlimited Dodger Dogs, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, Coke products and bottled water. if i ran the joint id also have people guessing your weight, giving you back scratches, and doling out investment advice, but

    at Wrigley you feel right on top of the players when youre in the bleachers.

    at Dodger Stadium, they dont want you that close. theyre nervous. maybe they should be nervous. everyones trying to be a star in LA.

    in Chicago we already know we’re stars. if youre trying to prove something to people, youre probably an out of towner.

    theres some good seats at Dodger Stadium, but not many, which is why i prefer the bleachers there. at least its fun, theres free food, and you get to meet some colorful fans from the IE

  2. Saturday, October 19, 2013

    heres to the last Dodger victory of the year 

    joe kelly loses

    St. Louis nobody Joe Kelly, best known as the guy who broke Dodger shortstop Hanley Ramirez’s rib with a wild pitch likes to do an unusual thing

    he likes to stand at attention after the National Anthem is sung until everyone from the opposing team goes to their dugout

    Last night Dodger nobody Scott Van Slyke, best known as Andy’s son, decided he was gonna out-stand Kelly

    After a while, home plate umpire Greg Gibson called BS on the whole thing and told both guys to end the shenanigans

    When Kelly left his post the Dodgers celebrated in what would be, literally, their last hurrah of the season.

    Baseball, been around since forever, and yet theres always some new crazyass wrinkle to make it fun

  3. Monday, October 7, 2013

    i like it when people go for it 


    when they dont do the super safe thing that everybody else does

    when they dont do the same old thing that THEY do all the time

    but instead when they do the absolute right thing at the right time

    out of love

    and passion

    and to see OMG HOW BIG CAN I BE

    you can tell when people are at that point because they’re loud and sweaty and crazed

    aliand SMILING

    theyre not drunk or wasted or bitter or shady

    they have their goal right there out there for everyone to see and they are clear about it.

    clayton kershaw had never pitched on just 3 days rest but he said gimme the ball

    imma pitch and win this game and we wont need to fly out to the dirty south

    we’re gonna win and chill right here in lipstick city.

    and then his coach Donny Baseball said wow how am i supposed to say no

    and then the front office of the dodgers said


    and that spirit is contagious

    which is when the team wins

    in spectacular fashion.

    so go for it.

    you still might lose,

    but at least youre not a dirty coward.

  4. Saturday, October 5, 2013

    dee gordon was out last night 

    dee gordon out

    during the 9th inning of the dodger loss last night

    many of us thought pinch runner Dee Gordon was wrongly called out

    while attempting to steal second

    dee gordon out gif

    but thanks to this excellent thread on reddit, you can see that bro tagged him super early

    and he was way out.

    which is probably why mattingly didnt yell at the ump.

    personally i think baseball managers should yell on close plays

    just to get the psychological advantage for the next one,

    but im a terrible person when it comes to baseball strategy.

    dee gordon reaction

  5. Thursday, September 19, 2013
  6. Wednesday, August 28, 2013

    today the cubs and the dodgers played LA’s only weekday day-game of the year 

    santo fan in dodger stadium

    other than opening day, that is.

    national anthem and its 92

    why they chose to do it in late august is beyond me, as while the little girl sang the anthem

    it was already 92 degrees

    in the shade

    nice mexican music

    wanna know something nice the dodgers do?

    i complain a lot, i realize that, but hopefully i also praise

    the dodgers have a huge latino audience. and many of their players are from south of the border

    today when the dodgers took the field the PA blasted “El Rey” by vicente fernandez.

    the crowd of “38,000” cheered happily.

    some places say they care about the Latino audience, but i dont see them playing no vicente fernandez

    when they wanna get the party started.

    stadium club bar

    too hot so i went to the stadium club bar


    loitered around the $38 all you can eat buffet

    fresh foods

    everything seemed to fresh and natural for my good

    dodger dogs

    all i really wanted was a dodger dog, but tomorrows my cheat day, not today

    more bar

    plus drinking is fattening enough. funny story

    when i went to the beer vender lady she said right away Firestone

    i said Firestone IPA please.

    she said, see, no Cub fan order Coor Light.

    and pointed at my Cubs hat.

    bree kayla soft serve helmets

    while i was hiding in the stadium club bree was ordering a chocolate soft serve in a batting helmet at the taqueria

    little did we know when we were standing in the breezy breezeway that little league puig was being benched

    right then for being too much of a space cadet

    stolen base

    we walked past this stand that sells game used dodger crap and i was all

    too bad im poor, i might have to steal that base

    balls for twenty five

    but because i was raised right i kept my jokes about the $25 balls to myself.

  7. Saturday, August 17, 2013

    why the dodgers should stop watermarking Instagram pics 

    brian wilson of the los angeles dodgers

    not only are the LA Dodgers kicking mucho ass in the pathetic (not their fault) NL West

    but they are doing a beautiful job (totally their fault) on social media

    in fact they truly shine where many fail: on Instagram

    they beautifully tell their followers how the team did at the end of each game.

    they keep up on players’ birthdays

    they capture badass moments, beautifully

    they dole out shoutouts to worthy dodger fans

    and they take pics in the stands of fans that you’d only find at Chavez Ravine.

    even dudes who hate photogs for some reason dont mind getting snapped at Dodger Stadium.

    but then they do this one super weird thing with one of their photographers

    they put an old school dumbass watermark on Jon SooHoo‘s pictures.

    there is nothing positive about the PR arm of a baseball team appeasing the whims of one of its employees to the detriment of the goal of the department.

    the goal is to spread the word that the LA Dodgers are exciting, glamorous, and first rate champions.

    an unglamorous defensive foolishly protective photo credit watermark does nothing positive to the message

    L L C?

    Hand a Mark IV to an intern and they could take a picture in the daytime of Vin Scully and Mariano Rivera

    and without that stupid watermark that picture can spread quickly through the web

    as intended.

    add that nonsense to it and the message sputters.

    you are the class of major league baseball.

    knock off this bush league bs.

    photo by Jon SooHoo / LA Dodgers, LLC 2013, WTF SMH

  8. Saturday, August 10, 2013

    ten years ago today i went to the dodger game 

    molli sean greg at the dodger game

    with molli, sean, greg, basart, bonnie and charlie.

    it was bonnie’s first game, and 1 year old sean’s 4th.

    we were in the front row of the bleachers in right field.

    back then it cost $6 a seat. today that same piece of bench costs $40.

    first inning, im getting to my seat and robin ventura hit a home run right at my seat

    but i had a beer in one hand and

    another beer in the other probably

    and i just stepped away from the ball and it hit my seat and bounced onto the field.

    it may have struck one inch from the mitt i had brought

    which of course was laying on the bench.

    ten years later sean’s properly prepared to catch that bad boy.

    update: Basart just showed me that Greg has the photo on his site:


  9. Tuesday, May 7, 2013
  10. Tuesday, April 30, 2013

    Tommy Lasorda gives the stink eye to Psy dancing at Dodger Stadium 

    psy at dodger stadium

    as he should

    Jimmy Bramlett of LAist was at the game and said Psy’s on the Pslide

    A year after his “Gangnam Style” took over the world he’s not getting the same amount of love for his new single “Gentleman”. It was bad enough that he was overtaken in the Korean pop charts by the 63-year old Cho Yong-Pil last week. But on the day he came to Dodger Stadium to help renew his PSY-mania, he got upstaged by his fellow countryman [Dodger rookie hurler] Ryu Hyun-Jin.

    PSY did have his moment of glory. In the middle of the fourth inning he was shown dancing his signature moves that sent the crowd of 47,602 in a frenzy. It was brief though. When it was over, the people returned to the game.

    personally i like Psy. any pudgy dude who does not look like a Details coverboy

    who sings in a freakin foreign language

    and makes up pretty complicated dances that sweep the globe, is fine with me

    because all of that is sorta impossible to do.

    but i dont think the ball park is the right place for such a spectacle.

    or just let him perform in the outfield after the game on one of those fireworks friday nights.

    i think thats what tommy is saying with that face of his. and maybe what these dodger fans are saying on instagram

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