busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, July 26, 2012

    downtown los angeles says hi 

    disney

    if you must know ive been seeing J.Lo on and off for the last few months.

    mostly off because she likes pretty boys with dancer bodys more than bloggers.

    i can understand but when she gets drunk or lonely guess whose iPhone lights up.

    her favorite place in LA is the disney hall. so i go, why dont you play there ever.

    but we have a little agreement that i never discuss each others figures

    and we dont talk about work.

    lets talk about amor, papi, she whispers.

    but i dont wanna talk about no amor

    and i dont like always having to say what when she whispers constantly

    she saves her voice for her singing.

    its like dating a sexy batman.

    anyways we park across the street from the disney holding hands and just staring at the building

    designed by googenheim or melloncamp or someone

    who knows

    i just know that her fiat looks cute from the outside

    but isnt very practical.

    what do we listen to when we hold hands?

    the duke spirit

  2. Tuesday, July 3, 2012

    a year ago today i was so sad i didnt even post on the busblog 

    people think xbi agents dont ever get sad but we’re people too.

    in fact some things make us super sad.

    for example a year and a day ago i was picking up flowers at the flower mart

    which is just a few blocks away from downtowns skid row.

    and i saw this man laying on the rocks by a beautiful tree.

    a tree so beautiful they built the road around it.

    these werent any old rocks you’d want to nap on.

    in fact some would argue they were specially designed rocks so uncomfortable

    that no way would you ever want to lay down on them.

    anti-homeless rocks the box probably said.

    but a year and a day ago that guy was laying on those terrible rocks and it all made sense

    and it made me very sad.

    so i took a picture so i would never forget.

    and then i walked over to see if he was bleeding or dead

    and when i got over him, he squinted,

    smiled,

    and went back to sleep.

  3. Sunday, July 1, 2012

    six years ago today the BET awards were in town 

    and fancy pants had just gotten a gig running LAist

    and somehow scored passes to the Interscope after party

    being held at i believe the Los Angeles, a beautiful old theatre.

    karisa was all hey ive got a new dress

    and i was all omg and i’ve got my eye on a ridiculous hat

    so we went drank danced gawked and judged.

    on the way to the taxi stand i shot this quickie post interview

    my does time fly

  4. Monday, April 30, 2012

    today one of my reporters interviewed dov charney 

    dov of american apparel shes a really sweet young woman who works super hard

    and is one of the main reasons why Blogdowntown is as good as it is.

    shes also the secret weapon to our South LA blog, On Central and found the oldest man in town.

    her name is Hayley, shes a native californian and even though, to me, that usually means she’d be super mellow (she is) and has seen it all (well…), i was nervous how Dov would react to her

    because i had heard stories about that man.

    apparently he was on his best behavior because he was talking about something very near and dear to his heart: Immigration.

    but also because Hayley is a solid young reporter who knows how to interview.

    anyways tomorrow is May Day and Dov and all of his employees are going to march down Broadway

    you can get your coverage of the event, by Hayley, on blogdowntown and at kpcc

    it should look something like this:

    may day

  5. Sunday, March 25, 2012
  6. Monday, January 30, 2012

    pasties show 

    pasties show

    pretty girl handed me a something for a pasties show.
    aint never been to any pasties show before
    and never thought about one to be honest.
    crazy thing about a girl in high heels in the middle of the day
    handing you something like that is it does get you thinking.
    so i stood there for a minute and i thought about it.
    older i get the more comfortable i have gotten mulling things over for a few minutes.
    especially when its just she and i in unseasonably warm temperatures
    in downtown LA in july. me wearing too much. her wearing
    is she wearing pasties? lets look back at that ticket thing.
    dress code enforced i see and i look at her and i say your people wont let me in.
    she says they’ll let you in. i say oh no i dont have anything up to code.
    she says just dont wear, well, what youre wearing right now.
    and especially dont wear those sneakers and that hat
    or those shorts or that shirt or those sunglasses
    and pull up your socks.
    and i said so ive gotta get dressed up to see a show of pasties?
    yes and with this coupon you can get a bottle for $100.
    the excitement overwhelmed me but i didnt know how to express it.
    so i gave her back her ticket
    to play it real cool like.
    right after i took a picture
    and thought of you.

  7. Tuesday, March 1, 2011

    i want everything 

    fur coat man almost got in a fight with security at the grand central market

    something about i didnt touch those mangos.

    security guard was all i dont care about any damn mangos

    said problem is youve got a fur coat on and no hat

    where the hells yr hat?

    fur coat man said i aint got no hat.

    so the guard said then get the f outta the grand central market

    which resulted in a scuffle.

  8. Wednesday, December 15, 2010

    2010 thru pics 

    next stop February


    lapd, feb 2
    no one thought that if you put a tent over freshly planted palm trees that theyd wither and die, until it started to happen


    wilton & santa monica, feb 6
    somehow this business went out of business


    sunset & western, feb 7
    while eating a mcrib in the parkinglot of the FoodsCo i didnt see any seagulls, then i saw this.


    city hall, feb 9
    turned out to be rainbow week


    next door to florentine gardens, hollywood blvd, feb 11
    let freedom sing


    kenneth hahn park, feb 12
    i was asked to take a picture for a postcard


    target parking lot, burbank, feb 26
    turned out to be rainbow month. they even appeared when babes burped.


    vons, los feliz, feb 27
    sheep getting frisky at the checkout stand

  9. Friday, June 17, 2005

    yesterday i had to go to jury duty 

    to perform my civil duty. unlike most people i enjoy jury duty because i find the whole legal process fascinating, especially when its unfolding right in front of you and you get to help decide yay or nay.

    but being happily unemployed and enjoying my newfound and delicious freedom to lounge in my pajamas all day and sleep until 2pm, for the first time ever i didnt want to be on a long, involved, indepth murder or bank robbery trial. i wanted to be at the beach.

    since everyone knows theres nothing the barely legal pink bikini girls love more than when the unemployed bloggers show up with their cubs beach towel.

    so, murphy’s law, guess what they announced at 10am yesterday morning in the overfilled jury pool room?

    “your attention please jurors, and now we will be calling the names of those who will be asked to go upstairs to be on a panel for a case that is estimated to last 20 days.”

    the entire room groaned. no one wanted to spend a month waking up, fighting traffic, and being part of a big trial that would only get you $15/day and your face firmly etched in the mind of a possible killer. la’s a small town. do you really want to be the last face a felon sees before the judge says the jury has found you guilty?

    not in this town where a few years ago a guy turned a newspaper ad of an eddie murphy movie into a fake id and walked out of the downtown jail.

    some say the only reason he was caught was because of the xbi but thats another story.

    the jury room holds about 300 people. they would pick about 22 people to be part of the “panel”.

    the two lawyers in the case look over the 22 prospective jurors and ask them questions to see who they would weed out. each lawyer may dismiss jurors for any reason. usually if youre a prosecuting attorney and a old woman is on trail for killing all of her cats, and theres only two old women on the panel, you probably want to get them out of there.

    niggardlythe panel is also the time when the jurors can say the things that will make the judge want to kick them off. usually i am tempted to say things like “im very likely to find blacks not guilty, so present a hell of a case or you can predict my vote and i have no problem hanging the jury,” but i’m usually kicked off immediately when, in the short questionaire, next to occupation, i write XBI Agent.

    try it. it works every time.

    but like i said, im unemployed now, so i had to say Unemployed.

    as the woman with the microphone went over the list and each name was called everyones smiles got bigger and when she called the last name the collective sighed in relief was clearly audible which cracked everyone up.

    until five minutes later when the woman on the microphone said,

    “hello jurors, and now i will call the names for another panel. this one is only expected to last 14 days.”

    only? someone said sarcastically which brought more laughter. it was a jovial group. probably because there were hot babes everywhere. apparently summer is definately the time to be called for jury duty since the coeds were home from college, the actors were unemployed since tv season is over, and because people dress better in the summer.

    the instructions said business casual but only a few obeyed the instructions. make me go to jury duty And tell me how to dress? pick one and live with it was my attitude and i wore my sxsw tshirt, a flannel, and my cap pulled down almost over my eyes. who on earth was going to have a possible gangmember on their jury? and an uemployed one at that.

    anthony pierce she said.

    here, i said weakly. we had been instructed to say here if she called our name.

    oh shit. she had called my name! i might end up on a two week trial? which meant i wouldnt be able to go on any job interviews until the first of july? which meant after the 4th of july? which meant probably no paycheck till august. yikes.

    i could handle a one day or two day trial, but two weeks? mr cool did get into panic mode for a second, i will admit. gotta keep it real. but then the lady with the microphone read a name off the list that you would only hear in los angeles

    a name that everyone knows. a name that also only in la in a crowded room of 300 only in la would a woman of such beauty blend in and become unnoticed. yes unnoticed because when the woman with the microphone said

    tia carerra

    every male head shot up from their prayer beads and thought holy fuck tia carrera is here?

    here, she said.

    and there she was. no make up, hair tied back. reading the paper. and look at that, about six months pregnant. hot, but not nearly as hot as our girl, but yes, that was definately tia carerra. and here i thought that was a stage name. huh.

    the lady said ok its 10:45, but they wont be ready for you until after lunch so please report to court number blah blah blah at 1:30p. have a nice lunch.

    so bad news: possible jury duty for two weeks. good news: it might be with tia carrera and two other chicks who were so hot that no one had previously realized that tia carrera was in the house.

    lets just say i had a good lunch.

    until i realized we were all going to have to stand up and state our name and occupation and i was going to have to let tia and the ladies know that i was unemployed. fortunatley a juror can ask for a “sidebar” where he can approach the bench with both lawyers and discuss these matters privately with the judge.

    trueliesmwhich is what i did when i was the first juror that they asked to stand up and state name and occupation. yes me, the only gangmember-looking dude in the hizzy.

    hi your honor, i said.

    hello gentlemen, i said to the lawyers.

    my situation is that, if you havent noticed, there are two super hot chicks here and im totally down for being on a long trial, but please dont make me say in front of the babes and tia carrerra that im unemployed.

    one of the lawyers said, tia carrera’s here?

    the other lawyer said, yeah didnt you see the list?

    they turned and looked and saw tia carrera and then both nodded silently.

    so the judge said, fine, son. youre unemployed. do you think there are any reasons why you cant be impartial in this case.

    and i said, nope, but just like those michael jackson jurors, if you dont deliver real evidence, even if i think the defendant is probably guilty of Something, it better be of what he’s accused of and it better be proved in this court or i will vote not guilty and i will argue like crazy in the deliberation room.

    and then something even weirder than tia carrera in the jury room happened. the judge said, anthony, do you go by tony pierce?

    fuck.

    yes, your honor.

    this was not a young judge. he wasnt really old though, but how on earth…

    are you the blogger who writes the busblog?

    o

    m

    g

    he asked a few questions and informed the lawyers that i would not be on this jury and then said, but i have something to ask you. how do you find time to write so frequently?

    and i said well now i have lots of free time since, like i said, the reason for me asking for a sidebar, im unemployed.

    to which he said, but ive been reading you since my son emailed me your homepage url about a year ago when you wrote the how to blog rules. you write just as much unemployed as you did when you were employed. how do you do it?

    i said, theres time in everyones day to write two or three posts. just dont get hung up on it. pretend its an email to a good friend. or dont watch tv for an hour and write. or write during your lunch break. it’s not as hard as it looks.

    and i thought i was done but the judge wouldnt stop asking me really good questions. fanboy questions! do judges have nothing to do at night?

    and then said, i admire how youre handling your troll situation, but i noticed he hasnt written today. did you ban him?

    i said your honor nothing on my blog is true.

    he didnt get it, so i said. sir, im at jury duty, how could i continue the farce that was tim if i dont have access to a computer?

    and his jaw dropped.

    and i nodded.

    there was silence and then he laughed.

    i was told to go back to the jury box.

    they went through the rest of the jury and then each lawyer went down their list and said things like “Ms. Carrerra you’re excused, Mr. Pierce youre excused, Ms. Hotchick you’re excused…”

    and they told the rest of the jury that theyre to come back in 30 minutes when the trial will begin.

    and as we left the judge said, mr. pierce and waived me over.

    which i must say raised a few eyebrows.

    and he asked, but tim’s email address?

    i said, its my friend’s in colorado. college pal. we were both into the Replacements. Tim was my favorite album and he’d always give me shit for it because everyone says Let It Be is the best. long story.

    and then the judge said, well my kid will get a kick out of me telling him that i shook your hand. keep up the good work.

    and i got out of the courtroom and a group of my jurors waiting for the elevator stopped talking when they saw me approaching which was really weird

    but not as weird as ten seconds later when one of the impatient jurors mashed his thumb on the elevator button

    and on saying, i bet this button doesnt even work

    the earthquake hit.

    a nice sustained 4.9

    needless to say we took the escalators back down to the jury room and counted the minutes to possible freedom.

    which im happy to say we all received.

    and to add to the freakiness of the day, as i was looking for tia carrera pictures to put up here i went to imdb to see what other movies she had been besides waynes world 2 and i shit you not she was in one called Jury Duty with pauly shore, which if i had realized the irony That would have been the icebreaker that i was searching for all day to approach her.

    something i never did.

    but at least now i will be able to go up to her one day and say, remember the day you were on jury duty during that earthquake…

    rich + sk smiff + matt good + happy belated bday em!