nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, September 27, 2020

    i failed again this weekend 

    last weekend i tried, this weekend i did better but still failed.

    it’s damn near impossible to not go on twitter or instagram or facebook

    for me, at least

    i mean i wasnt on it long – about an hour for the weekend but the goal was zero

    i was procrastinating.

    so next week lets try to make it less than ahalf hour.

    also a bunch of stuff went down and i wanted to feed the Los Angeleno twitter account.

    also its a habit.

    a weird weird habit.

    tonight i finished a story that i thought up today and who knows maybe people will like it maybe they wont.

    all i know is i thunk it up, did it and it’s done.

    maybe it’s easy for you to do that but lately it’s been soooo hard.

    all weekend i was working on a thing for Sass but my mind

    what if i need adderall?


    for some reason that scares me.

    i did succeed at something though. i won the toughest fantasy league i am in.

    i think for 10 years ive played in this league and never won.

    whats weird about this championship series is are manyboth of our teams couldnt hit over .200. we both struck out like crazy.

    his complete game was the Worst, it was a double header game, so his pitcher only had to pitch 6 innings AND HE LOST

    i would have been so pissed if i lost by 1 point because he got a CG out of such a sham.

    thank God my pitchers were on fire.

    whats really weird about this win was i wasnt even in the draft and i only kept like 3 of the players the computer picked for me.

    whatever = W

  2. Wednesday, November 15, 2017

    and another one 

    last night around 4am i woke up because i was having pains in my lower back and i had a shortness of breath.

    i went to the bathroom but i knew what it was, especially when i couldn’t pee: kidney stones.


    i fuddled around my pad trying to prepare for the super long wait in the ER and doing my best not to wake up Amber. but i failed at everything.

    i couldn’t find my sweat pants, i couldn’t find my cubs knit hat and i disturbed the pretty girl, who then put on her clothes and walked me to Kaiser Permanente, where i had delivered my previous two stones.

    that’s right, in four years working for the Academy, i have now had three kidney stones.

    i try to be a cool customer, and most of the time i pull it off but the two block walk was endless. every step hurt and when we finally made it to the hospital and they told us to go upstairs and walk to the ER i began crying.

    for so many reasons.

    the biggest reason is i know what is needed to end the pain: heroin. they dont call it that in the hospital, they call it Demerol or Morphine or some other less hysterical name but it’s heroin and once they inject it into you, your body relaxes, you get super pukey, and then you drift off into a beautiful daze.

    but when you enter the hospital, if you mention pain killers even once, the machine stops and you will be delayed your sweet reward for at least an hour. trust me, i know.

    so you suck it up. and it makes you cry because if you are someone like me who is not shy about communication, it kills you not to say, “please just one shot in the ass and we can do all the other things.”  because if you say that they think you’re an addict and uggggghhhhh.

    we get to the window and thank God i was already in the system due to the previous visits and Lord Above they don’t make me do any paperwork. Also, blessings upon blessings, theres only one other person in the entire waiting room.

    so a nurse hooks me up to the blood pressure machine and murphys law it doesnt seem to wanna work so im moaning and crying and writhing around in the seat. inside all i want to do is say “BRO MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS 1000 over 10 million, lets make this happen!” but you have to be cool.

    and cry. just keep crying. just let it out, which is just as bad as the pain for me because why am i crying? im crying because this is death. i am totally out of control, i am at the mercy of people who are up at 4am who cant even get their GD blood pressure machine to work and im gonna die right there on Sunset Blvd. im crying because no doctor or specialist has been able to tell me how to avoid this. im crying because theres a pretty girl listening to me not be cool.

    my BP is 178 over 125. HAPPY EVERYONE?

    they take me to room 10. amber helps me out of my shirt. im laying on the gurney and im just moaning like a bear who has been shot in the fucking head but he aint dead yet. theres a few other people in this part of the ER and because i am highly sensitive in all areas at this point i can hear them all saying, what the hells wrong with that guy?

    and fortunately Amber parts the curtains and very politely asks a nurse, can we do something about this pain?


    then the longest ten minutes in human history passed and finally a nurse came in with a cocktail of morphine, anti-puke meds, high blood pressure pills, and a shot of rum.

    it cut right through the pain. but naggingly it was still there. they asked me to pee, and i peed. lawdy lawdy did i pee.

    i peed so much i felt like maybe the stone was gone. but no i could still feel it. so they took me to the cat scan where i met a man who looked like all my relatives. and it turned out he was from DC. so we chatted, and took a picture together but when i got up i doubled over.

    then a nurse came in and asked what the pain level was. i said it was a 10 then a 2 now we are back up to 8. and they gave me another dose of morphine and i drifted into a nether land.

    before i floated too far, i said, amber, if i fall asleep just go home. youve been awake since 4:20, no need for you to soldier through this. but she went to starbucks and came back. i had a phone that could get tv shows. she wasnt interested and soon the doc said i was free to go.

    but life isnt fair and the hospital pharmacy doesn’t allow me to get drugs there so we took a Lyft to the Walgreens a few miles away. and i felt so good.


    i felt like i had delivered a baby and it had already graduated college.

    the contrast between ultimate pain and a quick lack of pain was bizarre and slightly unnerving. how can we feel like we are going to die at 6am but at 9am alls kool and the gang? got the meds, took one of the pain pills and drifted off again.

    and then slept and slept.

    so whats the lesson: simple. always have a little stash of heroin around the house just incase.


    tomorrow morning i have to be in santa monica at 8:30am to fight a traffic ticket. i wonder if i pass out.

  3. Friday, September 4, 2015

    cat lady checking in 

    the kittens

    its been a little over a year since these kittens showed up on my doorstep like some modern day moses story and im a tad surprised that we havent had any drama

    the biggest issue ive had with them revolves around trimming their nails.

    the boy cat is pretty agreeable under his own terms (he must be sleepy) but the girl cat is always suspicious of Everything and constantly on guard and is a tougher customer.

    my coworker suggested i get them some Calming treats which it turns out is like kitty ecstasy

    with jeanine around they have turned on me and she doesnt want to be the bad cop so yesterday i tried the calming treats and within about an hour they had slowed their roll a little

    after two hours they were downright lazy and groggy. i put them on the book case, i put them in the hamper, i put them in ridiculous poses and they played along.

    then i cut their nails. it was a dream.

    last night they both slept all night with no monkey business and even this morning they are lovable and sleepy and easy to deal with.

    do i want to drug my animals often? no. but it is nice to know i have this tool in the cupboard for when they get a little to big in their britches.

  4. Wednesday, January 23, 2013

    Maybe little by little I’m fumigating 

    tommy lee jones

    Nick Tosches being interviewed in Esquire this month…

    Scott Raab: The theme apparent in all your books is, to me, a fearless quest for what’s at the heart of human knowledge.

    Nick Tosches: We’re finite creatures, doomed to never get a fraction of what wisdom it would take to deal with infinity. This book has a lot to do with the unbelievable power and beauty of that almost unattainable freedom. Since none of us really gets to know it, we don’t know what extremely powerful dangers might lurk in it.

    SR: One of the things that I’ve seen more often in your writing recently is an idea best expressed in Ezra Pound’s line “Do not move, Let the wind speak.”

    NT: Those words of Pound, the “120th Canto,” say it all. You’re never gonna outwrite the movement of the white clouds and the blue sky. You’re never going to. There are times when I try to write beautifully, but I don’t know if I’m trying to exorcise my own demons. If I am, there are other ones lurking beneath, because they keep coming out. Maybe little by little I’m fumigating.

    SR: I think exorcising them is out of the question. Who are you without your demons?

    NT: That’s probably true, but it’s not a truth that we wanna just accept flatly. Look at it like this: This is the most fucked-up species that ever pissed on this planet. What do we have? We have three “one true” gods. Count ’em. Three. And underlying everything is this question: Did man invent good and evil before he invented the gods to protect him from evil, or did he invent the gods first in order to say, “Look, I don’t want anybody fucking my wife, so you’re gonna go to hell if you do that”? All these acts of cowardice, all these gods. We’re just completely fucked up. This is a race of demons.

  5. Thursday, August 23, 2012
  6. Monday, July 23, 2012

    a year ago today amy winehouse died 

    one of the best things i learned from Bob Forrest about how to deal with friends

    and loved ones who are struggling with drug and alcohol addiction

    is to be as loving and as unconditionally kind as possible.

    he said no one can be forced into rehab

    and for many people, including himself, you have to go several times.

    if not dozens of times.

    he said the 12 step programs dont work for everyone

    but there are other rehab facilities other than those.

    anyways, just like Jesus’ last commandment,

    Bob suggests that we just love each other.

  7. Friday, January 27, 2012

    her initials were A. R. 

    big family

    i grew up in a neighborhood that was heavily italian.

    i was in sixth grade.

    i knew nothing about nothing.

    i was such a brain dead child that i rode my bike everywhere all day all the time and didnt need water.

    maybe id have a glass of hawaiian punch IF IT WAS THERE

    somehow the girls knew exactly what was going on because suddenly there was a party one night

    we all showed up and there were all these games id never played

    light as a finger, stiff as a board

    crazy bloody mary

    and of course spin the bottle.

    before i knew it i was in a bathroom with one of my best friend’s girlfriend.

    shes the one with the feathered hair on the far left of the photo above.

    he was sick, but there she was in the circle for spin the bottle

    and suddenly there she was in the bathroom with me.

    and she shut off the light

    and my life was forever changed.

    when i got home my mom thought i was on drugs.

    close, ma.

  8. Thursday, January 26, 2012

    im very disappointed in demi moore 

    laughing gas

    first ashton, and now laughing gas?

    i mean we are all addicted to certain things: drugs, booze, douchebags, blogging…

    but at 49 years old, wealthy to high heaven, beautiful, beloved: and the best you can do is whip-its while sobbing over king trucker hat?

    oh how the mighty have fallen.

    deep down i dont blame demi. i blame ashton.

    demi wasnt dying hard like this with my man bruce willis.

    and i know i know people are responsible for their lives, but to me the number one person who is most influential in your life is the one you get naked with.

    and if that person is letting you slide into a ridiculously stupid dark place, not only is it on you but its on them.

    i thought he loved you. i thought he was your bff. i thought you were “together”.

    or were you really just stopping each other from sexxing others?

    for if you were really together then youd help each other keep it together.

    demi allowed ashton to fully fly his douche flag, which is a fail – we need women to help us!

    and now ashton is clearly the impetus behind demi’s free fall into the hospital. punk!



    you need to get it together, cuz clearly your man is still very much a boy.

    now get outta that ER bed and rise like laz

    and much hotter laz

    and quit letting the ‘bag rub off on your game.

  9. Saturday, March 19, 2011

    say hi to Kurdt 

    courtney lovein a new book about to come out by former village voice writer Neil Strauss comes this claim that Courtney Love once offered to snort the remains of Kurt Cobain with the journalist.

    “She walks to a dresser, pulls open a drawer, and removes a square-shaped tin. She removes the lid, revealing a plastic bag full of white ashes. A faint smell of jasmine emanates from the tin.

    “LOVE: Too bad you don’t do coke. Otherwise I’d suggest taking a metal straw to it.

    “STRAUSS: Yeah, I don’t think that would be the right thing to do.

    “LOVE: I’d like to though.

    this makes me sad on several levels

    and i really hope its not true.