busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, May 23, 2017

    etienne is now a married woman 

    etiennethe street dogs of Santiago wagged their tails in unison this weekend as their patron saint was wed in holy matrimony in the capital city of Chile.

    etienne aida reyes le blanc decided that her name wasn’t long enough?

    si.

    hopelessly romantic, for as long as i knew her, etienne has been enamored with love. sadly for me,  her heartstrings were more attached to her scruffy bff Uva than this American, but theirs was and is true and unbreakable.

    who is the lucky groom? like many things in her colorful life, that’s a secret. despite often being the brightest light in the room, etienne prefers to keep things on the down-low. she currently holds no social media footprint – as far as i know. there are no public photos of the ceremony. and the only reason i even knew it happened is because of the network of mythical but strong relationships between the XBI and its canadian brothers and sisters at the CIS.

    etienne is a complex and dynamic young woman. wildly creative, capable of speaking a number of languages at her will, and able to make friends at the snap of her fingers. finding boyfriends was as easy for her as ringing a bell. but a husband is something new to her and whoever her beau is must be someone truly special because etienne suffers no fools.

    the warmest of busblog wishes to both of them.

  2. Thursday, July 21, 2016

    hey tony, how havent you gotten married yet? 

    me and etiennedear tony,

    ive read your blog. ive read your tweets, ive seen your instagrams,

    ive read your palm, ive audited your taxes, ive investigated your tarot.

    you are a libra on the scorpio cusp. bad moon rising. 

    you’re healthy, semi-wealthy, and wise. 

    you have no problem talking with women or making even the most uncooperative of us smile.

    you’re nearly 100 years old (black sure dont crack). so why havent you gotten married ever?

    my guess: you are afraid of commitment, intimacy, and you hide behind your blog.

    signed,

    Famous Expert

    dear expert,

    some of what you say is true. i am wise. and im healthy. the rest, you should do more research.

    i am not afraid of anything except the good lord (rightfully) nixxing me from Paradise.

    when it comes to romance i go all in. i’ll fly to foreign lands, i’ll fly the lands to me.

    i pay for everything. i give up everything.

    i do all of the things ive seen other men refuse to do, not because of any other reason than i think its fun.

    but there are several outside forces that, if you have truly read this blog, i have laid out repeatedly: the first is the undercover agency the xbi. they like it when i am sans babes. i get to help them save the world when im solo. the second is the angels. sometimes they pull apart the good things that i have going so the young lady can blossom somewhere else outside of my every clutching clutches. and the third is me. i am not as incredible in real life as i am on the www. i dress very badly, i have a spare tire belly, i eat at mcdonalds like every day, and i dont have a jealous bone in my body. believe it or not, that bothers some ladies.

    regardless, i do not have the same goals as many on the planet. i do not think a wife, kids, and a minivan is the key to happiness. i think it can bring happiness. and im sure i could have been happy if one thing led to another and poof i was softball soccer dad driving my spawn to the bowling alley for tapdance lessons. but for some reason it didnt work out that way.

    and i am willing to conclude that thats fine.

    do i look at some of my friends and sigh and think wow, fucking kickass house, fucking sweet pool, fucking beautiful fam? yes. do i ever, even for a minute think, i wonder if that was me?

    no.

    because that is nothing at all who tony pierce, xbi agent to the stars, busblog uber driver to LA, was meant to do.

    for better or worse i was not put here to pay off a mortgage.

    for worse or better i was put here to kiss pretty girls from around the world.

    and then write about some of it

    and take pictures in a canadian mirror after being interrogated by the border patrol

    for you.

    and you.

    and them.

    because they are busy raising the next generation and paying off that mortgage

    and driving to tennis camp.

    and when they see what i have to say

    which is

    none of this is true

    they wont be tempted to do it too.

  3. Friday, May 2, 2014

    this blog is about to be very interesting starting tomorrow around this time 

    like a sirthe xbi knows i have a land line.

    very few other people do. Obama, obvs, my family, and my maid.

    thats about it.

    so when it rings i usually say, “and another thing Barack, whats up with the freaking NSA??”

    this morning it rang earl. super earl. fortunately i was already up because: boyscout.

    i was stretching and becoming one with the sun.

    this isnt obama, this is the office.

    it was the xbi.

    i said im sorry sir you must have the wrong number.

    they said knock it off agent we have some disturbing news about the boss’s daughter.

    i released some wind.

    shes been kidnapped, the voice said.

    i cracked a smile.

    why are you smiling?

    i looked around. i didnt know we were Facetiming, i said.

    i hung up.

    the phone rang again.

    “and another thing Barack, what happened to the pictures I was supposed to see?!?”

    this isn’t the president, it’s the office.

    again?

    why did you hang up on us?

    why are there cameras in here. right of privacy yo!

    privacy is an illusion, agent, we have a chip in your brain if you havent noticed.

    i’ll tell you what. imma go to my actual job. while im gone, get rid of any audio and or video devices you have in my humble mansion. and then i will help you recover the boss’s daughter.

    that may take some time.

    tick tock fellas its the boss’s daughter we talking about.

    and then i hung up the phone and disconnected it from the wall.

    shortly thereafter i got a text from the agency that simply read: as if.

  4. Sunday, April 27, 2014

    today is etienne’s birthday, she’s 30 

    20140427-130108.jpg

    which means we now have to break up.

    jk she doesn’t even know I exist.

    jk I got a note from the xbi that she got a very interesting role in the new Godzilla movie

    Apparently they were filming in Chile and they needed a very flexible person to climb into the monster suit and stomp around the set for hours and hours

    Like Johnny Bravo she fit the suit and if everything goes right with her visa she might make a quickie surprise visit to the premiere of the movie in NYC

    Lucky you, NYC. Ripoff for everyone else.

    Etienne is currently in Santiago writing screenplays, eating crazy foods and breaking hearts.

    Her dog Uva is doing well in the desert chasing horses and protecting the homestead.

    Meanwhile her adopted city of LA misses her mucho and wishes her the best on this very especial day.

  5. Tuesday, April 15, 2014

    etienne says hi. she says she wasnt in the chilian fire 

    etienneor the earthquake. or the sink hole. or the flash flood.

    instead shes interviewing at the santiago daily newspaper trying to get a job so as to put food on the table.

    right now shes very skinny and forced to wear left over sweaters created in strange lands

    we dont chat that often because of uber and life and celebrity demands on both of us.

    but we like each others things on instagram and will occasionally send a link of something to each other.

    thats the way some of my best relationships are.

    heres a heart on the picture of you on insta, i still think youre awesome. heres a like.

    of course any like i get from pretty girls means they love me and want to marry me

    so my brain says.

    where was this rule written?

    in my optimistic heart. the same one that says if the cubs win a game they will win it all.

    the same one that buys lottery tickets even though i barely get one number right.

    the same one that says oh you can eat ten tootsie rolls instead of dinner

    and then at midnight says oh you havent eaten dinner, lets get you dinner.

    the same one that says oh you are twice the age of everyone at coachella: then you should go go go.

    and now i must go.

    etienne is having a birthday soon.

    id get her a gift but it takes a year for her to receive it.

  6. Thursday, February 27, 2014

    probably the best part of being an undercover super hero 

    me and etienneis meeting the other undercover super heroes

    especially when they tell you their secrets.

    not the dirty ones, pervs, the awesome ones.

    for example, a few years ago, as you may recall, i met young ms reyes le blanc

    who told me one of her secrets about

    game face.

    most people, she said, think a good game face is all grrrrrrrrrr

    but they’re wrong, she continued.

    the best game face is, she said, and i quote, “DDD: delighted despite despair.”

    if when you’re totally stressed out and angry and freaked, she concluded, and you can pull out the NBD face, you become invisible to those who are freaked out – and thus, deadly.

    weirdly, one day later, something terrible happened to us and we got a motel room to collect ourselves and as soon as we got in there she said, quick take a picture

    but with game face.

    and it was not this one.

    so she said, look, pretend the hardest youve ever pretended in your life but for just twenty seconds. this is your job. this is a game.

    this is your favorite game of all.

    win it with a pretty sorta smile.

    go.

    and that was this one.

    and then we won.

  7. Friday, February 14, 2014
  8. Monday, February 3, 2014

    a letter from etienne upon hearing i passed two more kidney stones in the last 24 hours 

    etienne

    Tony I swear to baby Jesus you better be alright.

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THOUGH?

    You make money. Just pay a Mexican woman to make all your food everyday and don{t eat ANYTHING other than that and don´t drink anything other than water. No booze, no pop, no sake.

    Seriously.

    I swear if you croak I´m going to go and kill you. And I certainly won´t be pouring rum on anybody´s grave if their croaking was completely avoidable.

    What is wrong with you. You live in America, land of answers. SO FIGURE THIS THE F OUT, TONY.

    Honestly.

  9. Tuesday, October 22, 2013
  10. Monday, July 1, 2013

    etienne update: light some candles 

    etienne and uva the word from the angels above are they are getting some of your prayers

    but they havent gotten all of them.

    etienne is sicker than when we first posted that shes sick,

    now it appears perhaps the root of the evil is in her bladder.

    which is odd because she doesnt drink that much. and all she eats are tomatoes and onions.

    and occasionally poutine, when shes in canada.

    her bladder should be pristine: like your soul.

    so do Canada a favor on Canada Day and say a quick little prayer for Uva’s momma

    something along the lines of: please get that terrible mysterious illness out of Etienne’s body so she can go back to writing screenplays and reporting for Canadas finest news agency.

    shes a very good girl and we are all better when shes better.

    amen