nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, January 6, 2019

    dear nephew, after that devastating bears loss 

    dear tyler,

    what a game that was. what a beautiful and terrible game.

    nobody will tell you this because nobody is like your uncle tony. but heres the secret about being a bears fan, that’s different than being a cub fan.

    and i can say this because ive been a huge fan of both teams for a very long time. how long? let me just say: i watched bears game on a NEW black & white tv that your grandma bought.

    i bet youve never even seen a black n white tv. and for that alone you should be happy.

    anyways heres the secret about the bears: they are going to break your heart more often and more painfully than the Cubs ever will.

    the thing about the Cubs is they’re the lovable losers. even this season they lost and we loved them. but the Bears, for some reason, always gets our hopes up. they always have players who are so outstanding that you think, oh shit they can and SHOULD win this game.

    and they get you right up to the end and they stab you in the heart.

    then they get your heart and put it in a pie and put the pie in a box of money, the biggest box youve ever seen, and they give that box of money to jackasses like jay cutler or kickers named cody.

    so heres what you need to do. you need to use that feeling inside of you and put it to good use.

    i dont know about you, but heres how im feeling: like fucking shit.

    but fret not, because shit is in this world for a good reason. you think im kidding but im not. ask your grandma. shit is extremely valuable for growing the most beautiful things in the world. green grass and pretty flowers. in fact the best shit cost money and people seek it out because the better the shit the bigger and more colorful the beauty.

    and this is why wrigley field is the most gorgeous place in the world.

    so use that shittiness that you feel. use it to make beauty. get your dads keyboards and hook up your headphones to it and play. so many beautiful songs have been based on sadness. i would never lie to you.

    either the songs were made from the shittiness of the pianist’s life, or that crappy feeling drove that person to learn to play as a means for escape or a way for them to express themselves other than doing what they really wanted to do like take a giant torch to the entire city and start over.

    now uncle tony wasn’t very good at the piano, or the saxaphone or the drums, but when i was in high school we had a dog who died. Chumbi. old Chumbi wasn’t crazy about me and i wasn’t nuts about him neither but when he died i was super sad. so i went down in the basement and i beat the crap out of those drums. for an hour i was the greatest drummer in the world.

    and when it was over i learned a valuable lesson. that i should stick to writing.

    which is my final bit of unasked for advice. turn that shitty feeling inside into words. if you dont wanna show anyone, fine. fuck em. just write. write and write and write. write truthfully, write a bunch of lies, write a cool combo of the two, but get the poison out. turn it into something that never existed before. use that shit to grow something excellent.

    you might suck at first but keep going. everyone sucks at first.

    cody the kicker should have practiced more too.

    dont grow up and be like him.


    i love you very much. next year they’ll break our hearts in new ways. so we got that going for us.

    your uncle,


  2. Sunday, November 18, 2018
  3. Thursday, November 24, 2016

    do i have anything to be thankful for? i do. 


    starting with you, my family, and friends,


    and all the great food we get to enjoy.

    cubs world series ring

    the Cubs of course especially Theo Epstein and the brewers of Old Style Beer.

    old style

    I am thankful for my health, and the health of Emily Ratajkowski.


    I am thankful for my great job,


    my side hustle,

    when uber was fun

    and high speed internet. I am thankful for my cats even though they are super weird and pretty much ungrateful and entitled.


    I’m thankful for my khaleesi


    and all my Uber and Lyft passengers who all want to take selfies with me for some reason.

    obey peace

    I am thankful for the Obey sample sale, Howard Stern, Baba Booey, Fred, Sour Shoes,

    howard stern and beth stern

    Fat Artie, and Robin’s health. I am thankful for the Internet, all my past and future loves.


    I am thankful for German engineering, Mike Tyson,

    xbi mobile in dtla next to mike tyson

    and all my high school friends who have now had their dreams come true


    – thanks to the Cubs, Theo and the brewers of Old Style.



    I’m thankful for Taylor Swift, Rihanna, cheap gas, Anna Kournikova,


    Charles Bukowski, Iceberg Slim, the Truest,

    kanye smiling bc he's happy

    and I pray for good health for Kanye West.

    springsteen on the sunset strip

    I’m grateful for Little Armenia, Hollywood Blvd., and Sunset Blvd where the freaks come out.

    obama trump

    I am thankful for my president, Canadian McDonalds,

    the pants

    all of the jobs of my past, the voters of California who made weed legal,

    isla vista

    Isla Vista, rock music,


    hippie friends

    my college friends who continue to rock, the Hollywood Bowl,

    sass and her friend in my crib

    Canadians who move to Cali,

    bono and friends

    the readers of the busblog, the moon,


    my favorite book The Bible, KFC $5 Fillups,

    shortsop tyler

    left handed leadoff hitting shortstops who happen to be my nephew,

    jeff solomon lincoln

    and President Abraham Solomon

  4. Tuesday, August 2, 2016

    dear tony, i just started high school. sucks already. 

    daily nexus 1990

    dear tony,

    im a freshman at high school and i just got my schedule. NONE of my friends from junior high are in any of my classes. zero.

    you’re old, will life always be this freaky and unfair?

    signed, selena gomez

    dear selena,

    well before you were born, i moved from illinois to california. i didnt know anyone at the city college that went to, but first quarter i started talking to this really interesting girl with ripped stockings and words all over her shoes and red lipstick and a stay away vibe. she soon became my girlfriend.

    a couple years later i didnt know any one at uc santa barbara and within hours i met some of the people who have remained my closest friends for the rest of my life.

    and im much shyer than you are.

    in fact i made so many life long friends at college that almost all of them could be put in one of two categories: my hippy friends (below) and my newspaper friends (above)

    hippie friends

    now would i have met these people if for some reason a few of my friends from high school joined me in moving to LA? who knows. maybe. but maybe not.

    the thing is when you have zero friends, you end up making some.
    when you already have some, you might not get a lot of new ones.

    i had a really good high school experience. and i think one reason was was because i got to meet a whole lot of new people, and learn from them, and grow.

    for the next eight years you are going to be in an enviable position where the primary thing you have to focus on is learning

    may i recommend learning everything.

    from every body.

    also, join the band

  5. Monday, November 23, 2015

    just like in the xbi, there arent a lot of commercial black pilots 

    babe the pilot

    so when my family flew from chicago to vegas yesterday and they saw a black pilot they were all

    do you know tony pierce?

    brotha said who? they said xbi. chopper one?

    homie said, busblog?

    and, to quote donald trump, bing bang bong, our little angel babe was the new co-pilot

    and everyone got free popcorn.

    babe loves popcorn.

    so yeah, now we’re all out here in sin city, which is an interesting place for little kids to be

    there was once a time when vegas catered to kids, but im pretty sure that time is gone, thankfully.

    but i do know that its still the time for adults, so im gonna be a terrible uncle and stay drunk all day

    and then eat all night and get drunker. that way they know that booze is bad and they should stay away from it.

    life lessons from drunk uncle.

  6. Saturday, September 20, 2014

    for my moms birthday we took her to a burger place at the mall 


    i was all ma, why here? she said, it was Kylas choice. i was all wha? she said, dont ask.

    anyways kyla has braces now and her gift to my mom was her favorite Glade Plug-ins.

    we ate three different versions of french fries and then assorted burgers and booze. it was nice.


    nephew tyler was in great spirits because he had an assist during his soccer game

    and also because i wasnt telling him how they made the chicken tenders he was eating

    he also drank milk and played under the table and generally enjoyed himself like a kid


    Babe was probably the happiest. she ate her food, a little of tylers

    then when no one was looking she got out of her chair and grabbed some food off the table behind us.

    THAT was probably the funniest thing i’d ever seen.

    the dude was all, oh dont worry we’ve got kids too, it happens.


    afterwards i went to my favorite store in the world and bought a Cubs hat


    because if this rain stops, tomorrow we’re going to Wrigley Field,

    finest ball park on earth.

    and i hear they’ve been waiting for me.

  7. Thursday, February 6, 2014

    xbi were all, ever heard about the Death Cat of the olde folks home 


    i said of course, it went to the rooms of the senior citizens and a few days later they were dead.

    xbi was all yeah and havent you noticed an awful lot of cats around your house. dont you think that means something?


    i said yeah it meant  a very irresponsible cat hoarder didn’t take care of her business when she was evicted.

    xbi was all, keep telling that to yourself. and just like that the pain was excruciating.  i walked in the rain to the ER

    but called my doc saying which hospital should i go to? the one i know will only cover ER stuff

    or this other hospital that actually omg might have a urologist in the house. he said, suck it up agent.

    he said go home, load up on drugs, sext, and in the morning the xbi urologist will be back in Cali.

    and even though he’s xbi and theyre clearly trying to get me to crack, i like him, hes my doctor. he told me to quit that one job that lead to the good job and the great job after that.

    technically im xbi too but not really, so maybe deep down hes not really either.

    plus at some point youve GOTTA trust somebody.

    if the xbi has taught me anything its: the easiest opponent to crush is one who has no allies.

    so even though i puked off vicodins yesterday, i downed one, heated up some chicken my maid left me yesterday, and asked a young lady to show me what im missing.

    she said hows this

    and that actually did make me feel better for a little while.

    unfortunately i struck out with everyone else and realized either i need to get wilder friends or educate the world on this brand of experimental medication

    1781501_10152187064958057_1577206348_n and then when i was begging a lovely canadian to just show me what shoes she was wearing and she replied by taking a snap of her chipotle salad


    in came a totally unsolicited text from my mom. with this amazing picture of my niece.

    and i was all omg ive been barking up the wrong tree.

    you need to survive this asteroid field of kidney stones not for selfish personal reasons

    but so you could help others, especially those in your family.

    i need to teach my niece how to throw elbows in the paint.

    my sister is too sweet and my brother in law is too logical

    uncle tony needs to bring a lil east hollywood into the lives of the holy family girls bball squad

    that is my secret purpose

    if, of course, i live through the night.

    which looks like a long shot.

    and its raining like how that great poet described it many moons ago

    the rain, it rains, and it pours on a little pink girls bike
    half falling down no kickstand
    im damned why wont he say it
    in a holding cell not hell but close
    someone in the cloud has a rope
    but theyre scared id use it the cheater way
    and youd see dangling converses
    in the morning with milk but i got better plans dear fans

    so thank you, most badass niece

  8. Friday, January 3, 2014
  9. Sunday, December 15, 2013

    yesterday was tyler’s birthday, he is nine 

    shortsop tyler

    to misquote president obama, if i had a son he’d look a lot like my sisters son tyler.

    he’d be light skinned, thin, and hopefully a switch-hitting shortstop batting lead-off.

    he’s introverted, focused, cantankerous, and melts in the presence of his adopted little sister.

    tyler is the kind of guy who would be drafted in the first round by the chicago white sox

    and refuse to sign because he’s a cub fan.

    he’s stubborn, talks trash while creaming you at video games, and impervious to bs

    he will watch the demo mode of madden studying the invisible wrinkle in the matrix

    so as to use it against you in the 4th quarter when it matters

    he has no interest in food, chit-chat, or mindless banter – and never has.

    but if he hears Psy or the Wiggles on the tv, he’ll take the thumb out of his mouth

    and dance like a freak.

    might even take off his damn pants.

    or better yet, take a disco nap on the dog

    in the cage


    you can’t stop him, you can only contain him.

    god bless you little man. don’t ever change.

  10. Tuesday, November 26, 2013

    today is my sisters birthday, shes 24 

    kyla and babe

    it’s true my sister has accomplished more in her life already than i’ll ever in mine, but thats fine.

    she was always better in school, had more friends, and certainly had way more drive.

    she’s had to amazing children of her own, has not one but two giant homes,

    and has even adopted a poor black child.


    her generosity and big heart led to her rescuing dogs and cats and birds and gerbils and swimming pools

    and an amazing hot tub, and me, all ive seemed to rescue are 99 cent tacos from the jack n the box.

    she helped elect the first black president, she’s always there for our mom,

    and shes such a good daughter in law that she often drives across the midwest so the kids can visit their grandparents

    be it through rain sleet or snow.

    im very proud of my sister, someone who couldnt be more different than me.

    she has done many things that i would have said now why you wanna do that

    and then it turned out that it was a really good thing to do.

    i love you angie! happy birthday!