nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, October 31, 2013

    today my aunt mimi died, she was 96 

    20131031-231935.jpg my moms mom only had one sister, juanita. aka mimi. that was probably all she needed.

    my grandma was a smart tough woman, and my aunt was maybe a little tougher. its not surprising that she spent her life in the steel city.

    she had little tolerance for bs – and less so as she got older.

    when the clock turned 90 on her she started doing interesting things like sending me back letters i wrote her when i was a kid.

    at first i was all, what the heck? but when id talk to her on the phone id understand: she knew this day would come. and she knew id probably get more out of it than the garbage man.

    aunt mimi and uncle bill were huge steeler and pirate fans. they were right there during the we are family world serieses and the steel curtain super bowls.

    somehow they got the autographs from lots of the players and sent them to me.

    she smoked, she drank, she never lived in a nursing home or an old folks home

    and she hung in there kicking till 96.

    20 years ago, after uncle bill died, she got a portrait taken of herself.

    then sent it to my mom.

    it was very large.

    my mom was all, ooooooo kaaaaaaay.

    but my mom put it in the guest room, where i sleep when i visit there, and this summer when i was there i thought to myself

    oh my god, Aunt Mimi totally took a selfie 20 years before it was cool.

    glad youre reunited with uncle bill! hope he’s still eating raw hot dogs!

    <3 Aunt Mimi <3

  2. Friday, September 13, 2013
  3. Monday, December 24, 2012

    the little girl doesnt know any fairy tales or chicago bears coaches 

    niece at christmaswhich is probably a smart thing for her parents to shield her from.

    so yesterday as we were watching Da Bears beat the crud outta the Cardinals i was all do you know Ditka?

    she said, Whats a Ditka?

    so i pulled her on my lap and hugged her and asked ok, do you know the story of Goldilocks?

    she said, No.

    i was all so you don’t know about Papa Bear Halas then, probs.

    she asked WHO?

    so i said ok once upon a time this little girl was a lot like you (beautiful, a bit of a smarty pants, and a little cynical) and she was super dooper hungry so she broke and entered into what seemed to be a summer cottage in the woods.

    and there she saw three pizzas.

    one was deep dish and a little too cheesy. the other was too cardboard because it was frozen. but the other was JUST RIGHT cuz it was from Tony’s Pizzaria over by the river.

    so she grubbed out and got sleepy.

    my mom my sister my brother in law and my little nephew were all entranced with my tale – which is normal.

    so i said little Goldilocks went upstairs to grab some z’s but one bed was a futon and way too hard.

    the other was one of those hippie dippy feather beds and was omg too soft

    but one was a waterbed and JUST RIGHT and she dove in and fell fast asleep

    turned out this wasnt just some second house of some snowbirds currently soaking in the sunshine of Zona for the winter


    the first Bear who found her was the littlest one, his name was Lovey. he wanted to lick her cheek and hug her.

    as he was about to do that, his older brother Ditka wanted to throw the Fridge at her

    hearing all the commotion, Papa Bear, the oldest bear, saw the scene, blew his whistle

    and all these Soldiers marched in and shipped her off to Green Bay

    where all bad little boys and girls go in the winter

    THE END!

    and everyone breathed a sigh of relief cuz they thought, for some reason

    that i was gonna say something dirty to my sweet little niece.

    AS IF!

    when i was done she was all, uh huh can i go now?

    and i said, no, now tell us about your Christmas trees.

    and she did:

  4. Saturday, June 2, 2012

    today is my nieces birthday, shes 9 

    im awesome or 10, or 8, who knows

    do kids even have ages any more?

    arent they on the metric system yet?

    anyways, Kyla is my favorite niece. shes keeps it real. i like that.

    she says that her brother is my favorite of the pair.

    it’s good to keep kids guessing.

    i talked with her on the phone yesterday as i was getting my oil changed.

    at first kyla seemed a little grumpy that she was a year older

    but then when we talked about the presents she received at her party

    she pepped right up.

    she was happy to have a new digital camera

    and a colorful bag.

    “a purse or a backpack?” i asked.

    “like um like a messenger bag,” she said, “which is good because i lose stuff a lot.”
    she then said,

    “oh and I got a shirt that says ‘I’m Awesome’. BECAUSE I AM!”

    and then super fast she said, “heres Jo.”

    she doesn’t call my mom grandma
    she calls her her name.

    etienne used to say kyla was our daughter.

    cuz she sorta exactly looks like what our kid would look like.
    and act like.

    hard to disagree with weird truths.

    “love you!” she screamed in the background
    when she realized she forgot to say it.

  5. Tuesday, November 15, 2011

    my niece loves magic johnson so much she wears his number 

    magic was 32kylas all right. shes on the basketball team.

    my nephew is on another team.

    because they dont have blogs im forced to rely solely on information trickled out of my moms iphone.

    but apparently kyla is mastering the sky hook,

    a shot even the children understand is unstoppable.

    when i was a lad i was pretty good at mastering the stoppable shots.

    i also fiddled around with the easy-to-steal dribble.

    kids today understand about percentages.

    they grew up with wii.

    they’ll never have carpal tunnel.

    they *will* have jetpacks, robots, and virtual reality.

    i bet they have those things before people put music videos back on tv.

    it’ll take the future of america to put videos back on tv.

    funny what your generation is needed for.

    fortunately mine was created to eat McRibs.

    heres what i want my neice’s generation to give the world besides a return to solid music videomaking:

    1. metric clocks

    2. the end of world hunger

    3. the ridicule and eventual extinction of the phony baloney.

  6. Monday, August 15, 2011
  7. Thursday, September 23, 2010
  8. Tuesday, November 18, 2008

    sometimes the boy wakes up from his nap and hes not feeling all that 

    sometimes he wont want to be picked up or held. sometimes he doesnt wanna go in the pool or hot tub.

    sometimes he wont wanna eat or drink or even play wii.

    you can look at him and see he doesnt wanna be social but hes pretty adorable so you might wanna mess with him a little.

    wanna go for a drive, tyler?


    wanna fly a plane, my man?


    wanna trade some arms for hostages?


    whats the opposite of yes?


    if nancy reagan wants to sell you some ecstasy what should you say?


    if nancy reagan has a really great price if you buy ten, and you know her stuff is pharmasutical grade, what should you say?


    what should the cubs have said to ryan dempsters agent when he asked $52 million to resign his client?


    was it right for the dems to pretend that everything was totally chill with senator lieberman after he sold out his party and aligned with mccain palin?


    will you be buying the new beyonce record?


    what about artie langes new book “too fat to fish”


    wait what? you got something against the baby gorilla?


    then why not support the man? hate reading suddenly?


    when you wanna rent a car and the dude pressures you into getting that insurance whaddya say?


    been watching that paris hilton tv show where she picks her new bff?


    wanna set up your bowling pins and play for like 47 hours straight?


  9. Thursday, August 23, 2007

    my brother in law surprised me with a phone call today 

    thank youfuckers been here for days and hasnt told me. so even though today i was super busy, as always, like crazy busy, i was very happy to have him take me out to dinner.

    for some reason my mom didnt tell me he was gonna be here either cuz she thought that i didnt care cuz any time she tells me that some crazy cousin or some weird relative i met when i was 3 is in town i yawn and when pressed to hang out with them i threaten suicide.

    but i have nothing but love for my brother in law. not only did he marry my only sister, which i appreciate. but he helped create two beatiful kids, one of whom totally looks like me, and hes even raising them, which im also stoked about.

    and he takes after my moms household, automotive, and spiritual needs at no extra charge.

    hes a very good man. hes very quiet. hes very white. and hes top shelf if you ask me.

    so when he said he wanted thai food i was all, palms thai of course.

    but then we started driving and the sun was setting and the poor dudes gotta go back to chicago where he says the weathers been shitty all summer so i said lets go to the beach and eat around there. and just as we had decided on touristy gladstones, danielle, who formerly lived two blocks away from gladstones called me to ask me if major league baseball players get paid their major league salary when theyre sent down to the minors – it depends on their contracts – i asked her if there were any good thai places near gladstones.

    she said yes, Thai Beach, just north of the Reel Inn

    and there it was right across the street from the beach, there on pch.

    we ate delicious foods, i smiled at a waitress who wasnt ours, everyone in the place eating were suspicious characters, my brother in laws work paid for the whole thing, and it was quite a lovely situation.

    when we got back to my place, i did the only thing my family has done to him for as long as we’ve known him, we put him to work. i had him connect my faulty WiFi

    and the craziest thing is he tried to fix it and after an hour of tinkering, he couldnt do it.

    and i thought to myself, i coulda sworn he was xbi.

    but nope, hes just nice.

  10. Monday, April 21, 2003

    my life is so dull. 

    aunt mimipeople ask me how much of this is true and i tell them none and then they don’t believe me.

    i never get to play major league baseball. i never get to hit three run home runs. i never get hit in the head by some soloman torres chin music that ends up cracking my helmet.

    i pretty much just fly chopper one all day, take the bus home, and watch tv. i guess i cant expect wild craziness to happen if im just sitting on my ass pausing live tv on my damned tivo and taking pictures of palm trees and traffic lights.

    heres what my astrology says for this week:

    Libra for the week of April 17, 2003 by Rob Brezney

    My acquaintance Judith decided to go all out in helping her daughter sell Girl Scout cookies. She filled her garage with cases of all nine varieties in preparation for a marketing onslaught on friends and neighbors. Then one night disaster struck. Raccoons exploited a hole in the roof to break in and plunder the stash. But while the marauders ripped open boxes of every cookie type, they ate only one: the Samoas, also known as Carmel deLites, which are covered in caramel, sprinkled with toasted coconut, and laced with chocolate stripes. In the coming week, Libra, I urge you to be like those raccoons in this one regard: Unleash your passionate hunger very precisely. Don’t go after what you sorta kinda like; pluck only the treats you long for with all your heart.

    So what do i long for with all my heart?

    a great job that pays me a bunch of money? for the Cubs to win the world series? world peace? for my afro to return to even more glorious splendor? a super hot bisexual girlfriend who is constantly trying to impress me?


    a house, a car, a horse, a bar, no more spam, all the local channels across the usa on my directv at a reasonable price?

    a nice big fluffy dog named Ruffy?

    71 comments on every post that i write from people who want to tell me how cool i am and how beautiful moxie is?

    a good cd from beck that sounds more like odelay and less like mutations?

    for my phone here at the office to stop ringing since i have a hangover?

    for the cute girl in the typing pool to ask me out to koo koo roo for lunch?

    to get an interview to work on the howard stern show?

    to get to blog for a living while traveling the world?

    for the fcc to say that boobies on cable tv are ok, since they are just boobies after all and since we live in america after all, the land of the free and home of the brave after all and they’re just boobies and kids don’t need as much protection from boobies as we thought?

    for my aunt to know that i love her and i was happy that she called me on easter even though i haven’t talked to her in probably 75 years?

    yes, i think i would want that one, mr. astrology man.