nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, December 28, 2019

    sometimes she wants to go on a drive so we take a little drive 

    theres been some girls who ive had a spiritual closeness with

    some who could do it all with a kiss

    one who was rich, some who were poor, three who loved to fight

    one who hated me touching her, and one who hated me not touching her.

    but one thing almost all of them loved doing was going for a little road trip.

    drive she said.

    she requested neptunes net but i wanted to head east old man


    took sunset to caesar chavez through east LA. she said she wanted chinese. theres chinese over there but you get tempted by all these other delights.

    even two tacos from jack in the box will get me to pull over since they’re only about a buck and a quarter.

    but we kept going. slowly. happily.

    the sun was out, the mountains way back in the distance were snow capped.

    there were some clouds up there for decoration.

    after a while we approached the prettiest soup plantation and i was all wanna

    but she wanted chinese. good for her.

    wound up at some dim sum spot that seemed legit. clean. big. easy parking.

    went in and well attended for the late hour. a family at a big round table over there

    an older asian couple on a fourtop.

    a nice little table was empty over in a corner

    how about over there we asked the young lady?

    oh nooo tooo small.

    manager came over in a suit. have a seat here, he said pointing at a big table close to the register and the front door. clearly they wanted passers by to see a famous blogger was dining with them.

    but it was cold there. and way too close to the tv that was showing childrens programming.

    how about over there? i asked him.

    oh nooo so smallllll he said and we sat down.

    menu came out and she was not impressed. im not feeling this place, she said. then lets leave i said, i dont owe nobody nothing. but shes polite. we muscled through.

    soon another lady came by. spoke zero english. maybe 10 people working on the floor i dont think any of them could tell us what was on the menu

    fine with me.

    ive been watching these youtube guys who travel the world and no one understand anyone.

    did any of those girls understand me?

    but sometimes you just point and pray.

    what came out were the most delicious shrimp steamed in a dumpling.

    vegetarian fried rice that was moist and tasty with slivers of egg that didnt seem like any eggs ive been eating

    bok choy, and i dont eat a lot of vegetables, but these tasted like something else entirely, chicken maybe.

    taquitos with shrimp, basically

    and these tiny little pot pies that squirted when you bit in,

    so it’s best to just let them explode in your mouth.

    some girls get riled up after a surprisingly great chinese meal way out east

    other girls say omg lets stop at starbucks

  2. Saturday, April 13, 2019

    this is how weird i am 

    im a sucker for deals. like the biggest sucker. in the world. ever.

    like my hero kurdt cobain, i have a very delicate stomach. when i was in college i weighed like 112 pounds. id go to the dining commons and get a bowl of jello and a few pieces of bread with butter. maybe a scoop of ice cream afterwards but id get “full” really fast because if i ate any thing more than a little something my stomach would rage at me like WTF tony!

    even though my waistline has expanded greatly over time, it’s rare that i will finish my plate. the other night chris and i went to the pacific dining car because they were selling steaks for $1. of course the sides were $13 each and he ordered a martini that set him back $16. but we got out of there for $50 before tip. anyway, as good as the steak was, i still have half of it in the fridge. stomach hates red meat.

    stomach also isn’t crazy about pizza. but im from chicago. and even though LA pizza can’t even compare to chicago pies, im a sucker for deals and pizza hut emailed me this special offer for a large 2 topping for $5.99. but you have to pick it up. no problem.

    amber’s bus stops near the closest pizza hut to us so i said yo i’ll meet you in the parking lot in a half hour. im getting us a pizza. it’s warm right now. 75 or so. so before i drove there, i went to a local mini market and got a mexicoke for me and a sparkling water for her. then i grabbed a blanket and after we got the pizza i drove up the little hill to a little park and we had an impromptu picnic.

    which she loved.

    but here i am now at 1:27am with the worst stomach ache because duh. stomach hates pizza.

    but that pizza was basically free!

  3. Sunday, March 24, 2019

    been eating a lot of baked goods 

    croissants, toast, bagels
    i know i know but hear me out

    then ambers friend needed a couch to crash on for a few days
    so ambers like fuck that, take the whole place

    my.space.bar.isnt.working. ah there it is

    anyways so now we’re gonna go on a little road trip since we have someone to watch the cats

    is this the right time for any of this? no. is there ever a right time for anything?

    all i know is my neighbor of many years backed her stuff and i got a moving van

    and i thought high tailed it to somewhere but tonight shes up there

    with  a man!

    and theyre just laughing and laughing which i hadnt heard in a little while

    so cheers to that and cheers to her

    maybe shes been eating some baked goods too.

  4. Tuesday, November 20, 2018

    this food bank keeps texting me 

    if you pay $40 they give you two huge shopping cart of food and drink and vegetables and 7 loaves of bread and rice and frozen things like a case of burritos

    and everything is about to expire and if you dont buy it they give it to zoo animals who are gonna be fine

    aint no one ever heard of a zoo animal dying of starvation.

    but still its hard to roll up in there with a benz and fill up the trunk and back seat with food earmarked for the poor but the poor are too poor to drive down there and volunteer for 4 hours or hand over $40

    plus amber gets stressed out trying to

    • find room in our fridge for all of it
    • eat it
    • watch it stare at us and slowly age as we try to eat it all

    so i was like, it’s just $40, why dont we give away as much as we can on the way home

    keeping the stuff we really like

    and anything thats left over will probably fit in the fridge.

    seriously who needs 200 tortillas and 5 lbs of frozen lox?

    lets give it away and we will feel stoked and they will feel stoked and we end up with 6 heads of lettuce

    and 22 apples.

    she goes, its my day off, please dont stress me out.

    i hug her and apologize and then flash my man boobs.

    and then the food bank texts me again

    this time in spanish

  5. Tuesday, March 13, 2018

    we had hot n juicy last night 

    amber was all, fuck these gloves

    lets just eat with our dirty ass fingers

    so we took off the plastic protectors

    spilled the crawfish and shrimp and sausage and corn and potatoes on the plastic tarp of the table

    we slid our sodas aside

    and she dug in

    i shoved my face right in there

    people stared and when i came up i said mgmmagajldsajklddsjklsd

    motown was playing

    eighteen basketball games were on the tvs

    they were selling free calendars at the register. but the best thing was they had a sink


    of the bathroom so you could just wash your hands and fingers and nostrils right there

    without having to go into a stinky litrene


    and now i have leftovers that my man josh says i should toss into an omelette.

    hot n juicy: corner of santa monica and la brea next to the target

  6. Thursday, December 7, 2017

    ordered some thai food because i was tired of soup 

    sunday soup, monday soup, tuesday wednesday soup soup

    amber has been learning how to crock pot and shes a quick learner, gotta say

    and she makes all my favorite things: carrots, broccoli, potatoes

    but today i needed a change of pace

    thai soup.

    milky. spicy. with a little tofu in there for ya.

    noodles. chicken. sticky rice.

    it cost a days wages but tonight we celebrate

    because i have been healed.

  7. Saturday, January 14, 2017

    yesterday was elisas last day at work and patrick j dropped by 

    so a bunch of us went to Natalee Thai on robertson and olympic

    usually the primo thai joint in 90210

    a close second going to tuk tuk thai

    the place was packed

    they sat us in the back.

    when the food came out it was hot

    spicy hot like omg

    then it got really hot

    i drank coke. then ate rice.

    people were crying.

    i was crying.

    my sinuses cleared and a truck went through them.

    my ears cleared and i could hear again.

    hair grew on my chest. and my ears, but the fire singed it all, which was nice.

    i asked for a to go bag but

    i threw it out at work and the trash can caught fire.

    and then the fire caught fire.

    but its sinuses cleared.

  8. Sunday, January 10, 2016

    mcdonalds has mozzarella sticks 


    ramie is a beautiful woman who loves mcdonalds nearly as much as i do. tonight i was all i hear they have a new thing going on over there. she said what, i said i dont know thats why i wanna go and find out.

    IMG_6670i thought i heard they had this thing where you could get two small things for $2 and it turned out to be true.

    you could get small fries, a chicken sandwich, a mcdouble, or three mozzarella sticks.

    mozzarella sticks?!?!

    indeed. so i was all fuckit i want like those, some fries, a mcchicken and some mcnuggets

    the sticks were fine, but petite. sorta not worth it even for a buck. maybe if you have a kid.

    and the weird thing is they dont have any options to get any larger size. like id pay $5 to get 20 of them. brotha needs 20. they also have to figure out how to make them stringier. the marinara sauce was fine, but any time im sitting down at a mcdonalds – which is rare – and i ordered something dippable, i’ll ask for hot mustard.

    hot mustard is something no other mcdonalds has. they should exploit that.

    they should introduce a new character

    something sexy, and yellow, and spicy and delicious that adds a punch whatever it’s spread on.

    angry drunk marge simpson?

  9. Sunday, December 27, 2015

    it happens every time, yet i do it every time 

    DLR tree topperany day i have a REAL day off, meaning no real work and no uber, i will wake up, fix myself a mimosa, and turn on the big tv to play XBox and the little tv to play tv.

    the laptop will give me a third screen. and the iphone will be playing some music.

    my senses get overloaded and i get a headache around noon that throbs for three or four hours.

    thats when i stop drinking, get some aspirin and turn off a few screens and maybe take a nap.

    when i revive around 6ish, i feel fantastic, like David Lee Roth doing the jump splits off the Van Halen drum riser.

    but i will usually fall into the same trap of turning on the video games and tv and i’ll get back to it. fortunately i dont get a late night headache – god knows why, but i dont.

    today is sunday, so i did all of that while watching the Fargo tv series of the first season. mama mia, what a great show. but now it’s 10:27pm and i wanna go out. i should have told the pretty girl who texted me during my headache to text me back around 11pm but that sounds like a booty call and we bloggers are way above that sorta thing. the thing is next week i have off and i plan on actually relaxing because oscar season gets into full swing in about a week so this is my last bout of doing jack shit for a while.

    these last few days have involved a lot of noodles.

    Christmas Eve Sass and i ate some delicious hot pot in pasadena and i nearly died of spicy joy. my sinuses will be clear for all of 2016. remind me to go back there again. whats the name? hmmmm something Sheep.

    then last night Ali and i were gonna eat some thai but she called an audible and we ended up at Blossom and those bowls of Pho were so big that my leftovers fit into a large bucket that i delivered to Jeanine when i got home and it helped soothe her flu.

    and tonight Jeanine made some delicious spaghetti and my noodle trifecta was achieved.

    i have a good life.

  10. Wednesday, October 21, 2015