nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, January 28, 2015

    i want chips, like all the time, in my mouth 


    it’s what makes me fat, im certain, but what can i do.

    those and the drive thru visits. and the lack of exercise.

    but what i want, always, as in right now, are chips. any sorts.

    doritios, bbq, oil and vinegar, cheetos, fritos, sun chips, avocado chips,

    but especially funyuns, like right now, like in my mouth.

    the problem with funyuns though is they ruin your breath for a good day.

    no amount of mouthwash will wash that onion out.

    so like what if a nice girl wants to kiss you?

    you can point to your cheek and have her kiss there, but youre supposed to be a man.

    on top of that youre supposed to be a gentleman, which means everything about you should smell fantastic.

    most importantly your breath. which it wont if you eat funyuns.

    i dont even like onions is the thing but i love funyuns.

    thats how crazy i am.

    so usually the only time i indulge in my favorite snack is late at night

    once i know theres no chance for a pretty girl to wanna smooch with me.

    it’s also a good booty call device because if someone txts you and says whattya doin

    and its 2:15am, you can honestly say, i just downed a bag of funyuns

    and if they say can me and my bff come over you can say

    i just downed a bag of funyuns

    and see if they giggle and say


  2. Wednesday, January 21, 2015

    had some great soup last night with my buddy chris 

    green mind

    if you woulda told me when i was a little leaguer that id be a man who would pay $11 for a salad at lunch

    and $10 for a bigass bowl of vietnamese soup for dinner

    i woulda told you, this is why my momma doesnt let me talk to strangers.

    when chris said he wanted to have dinner i was all hmmm where can we go. thai? chinese? armenian?

    then he said “somewhere healthy” and i forgot hes been on this health kick for the last couple of years.

    so as we were driving down sunset i said hey how about some Pho

    he said sure.

    i said you want local casual pho or hipster pho

    and before he could answer i said lets see what the hipsters are up to.

    and not only was it great but we ran into former KPCC lovely and now LA Times artist, Lily

    who was not eating pho, i dont even know what she was eating but it wasnt soup.

    probably because she was all i aint paying no $10 for a bigass bowl of soup.

    but man were we happy with our choice.

  3. Friday, September 12, 2014
  4. Monday, June 9, 2014

    xbi has a time machine they dont tell anyone about 


    some agents are actually from the future which is why they can predict it so well.

    the only problem with time travel, so ive heard,

    is you have to make sure not to affect real change in the future

    my trick, i mean their trick is to give advice

    since no one ever takes advice

    you’ll never have to worry about screwing nothing up.

    last night sass and i ate noodles and she told me an amazing story about

    a psycho young woman from europe who doesnt even exist.

    i was eating a fried catfish.

    crazy can text and email and all these other things but shes probably total fiction.

    when i asked the waiter if the catfish was whole or cut he said


  5. Saturday, March 22, 2014

    did you know theres valet at the baskin robbins in silver lake 


    nothing in here is true. thats how rumors get started. this is sass rocking the napcore stylz.

    she asked to see what i was doing for brunch and i realized that the reason canadians love brunch so much

    is because theres an unnecessary u in there.

    we sat inbetween a bunch of people on the patio who thought it was cute to bring their little dogs along.

    im sorry but i love dogs however the last time i checked this wasnt paris.

    i dont see kanye up in this piece, leave yr dogs at home.

    all they get to do is walk around under your table, smell, and wish they were back home


    sass gave me a sticker and i realized i probably need stickers for a variety of reasons besides the fact that ppl should have stickers

    this guy has a great sticker. whoever he is. i want stickers of all my friends. id stick a todd francis over here

    a ben sullivan over there. a couple jeanine natalies under there.

    it could be a thing. faces of people all everywhere.

    that would give the under table dogs something to look at.


    had the Devil’s Mess: three scrambled eggs with turkey sausage.

    because its silver lake not only was everything organic and local, but it was so sustainable that

    you only got to eat them right after they gave birth to their replacements.

    the egg yolks came from discarded mcdonald yolks from their egg white mcmuffins.

    next time i need to remember to ask for no onions because it was fantastic.

    sass invited me to go to kung fu with her but im a pacifist.

  6. Saturday, March 15, 2014
  7. Tuesday, December 10, 2013
  8. Thursday, November 21, 2013
  9. Wednesday, November 20, 2013
  10. Tuesday, June 25, 2013

    i know people are scared out there 

    storm trooperssome dont want to be like their parents
    or make the same mistakes as their parents
    so they do things they know arent right

    some totally wanna be like their parents
    and have all the things their parents had
    so they do things they dont know are wrong

    sometimes i feel like i should wait until the very last day im on the earth
    before i have a kid
    that way i wont poison the mind of that little blank slate
    but thats probably not the right thing to do either

    there is no right thing to do
    but man oh man are there a bunch of wrong things to do.
    trust me, i’ve doed them.

    but the one thing you cannot do thats wrong
    is think about what in your heart you love to do
    and do that.

    even if its evil.

    oh wait, ok dont do evil
    even if its what you love to do.
    write about evil in books
    save beautiful loving creative courageous things for real life.

    i know its scary.

    but youre gonna be scurred anyways.

    may as well have something your kids can look back later and say

    wow, mom and dad sure didnt give one damn about anything
    they just went for it
    and holy guacamole did they rock.

    in heaven i hope to eat some of that holy guacamole.