nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 20, 2018

    this food bank keeps texting me 

    if you pay $40 they give you two huge shopping cart of food and drink and vegetables and 7 loaves of bread and rice and frozen things like a case of burritos

    and everything is about to expire and if you dont buy it they give it to zoo animals who are gonna be fine

    aint no one ever heard of a zoo animal dying of starvation.

    but still its hard to roll up in there with a benz and fill up the trunk and back seat with food earmarked for the poor but the poor are too poor to drive down there and volunteer for 4 hours or hand over $40

    plus amber gets stressed out trying to

    • find room in our fridge for all of it
    • eat it
    • watch it stare at us and slowly age as we try to eat it all

    so i was like, it’s just $40, why dont we give away as much as we can on the way home

    keeping the stuff we really like

    and anything thats left over will probably fit in the fridge.

    seriously who needs 200 tortillas and 5 lbs of frozen lox?

    lets give it away and we will feel stoked and they will feel stoked and we end up with 6 heads of lettuce

    and 22 apples.

    she goes, its my day off, please dont stress me out.

    i hug her and apologize and then flash my man boobs.

    and then the food bank texts me again

    this time in spanish

  2. Tuesday, March 13, 2018

    we had hot n juicy last night 

    amber was all, fuck these gloves

    lets just eat with our dirty ass fingers

    so we took off the plastic protectors

    spilled the crawfish and shrimp and sausage and corn and potatoes on the plastic tarp of the table

    we slid our sodas aside

    and she dug in

    i shoved my face right in there

    people stared and when i came up i said mgmmagajldsajklddsjklsd

    motown was playing

    eighteen basketball games were on the tvs

    they were selling free calendars at the register. but the best thing was they had a sink


    of the bathroom so you could just wash your hands and fingers and nostrils right there

    without having to go into a stinky litrene


    and now i have leftovers that my man josh says i should toss into an omelette.

    hot n juicy: corner of santa monica and la brea next to the target

  3. Thursday, December 7, 2017

    ordered some thai food because i was tired of soup 

    sunday soup, monday soup, tuesday wednesday soup soup

    amber has been learning how to crock pot and shes a quick learner, gotta say

    and she makes all my favorite things: carrots, broccoli, potatoes

    but today i needed a change of pace

    thai soup.

    milky. spicy. with a little tofu in there for ya.

    noodles. chicken. sticky rice.

    it cost a days wages but tonight we celebrate

    because i have been healed.

  4. Saturday, January 14, 2017

    yesterday was elisas last day at work and patrick j dropped by 

    so a bunch of us went to Natalee Thai on robertson and olympic

    usually the primo thai joint in 90210

    a close second going to tuk tuk thai

    the place was packed

    they sat us in the back.

    when the food came out it was hot

    spicy hot like omg

    then it got really hot

    i drank coke. then ate rice.

    people were crying.

    i was crying.

    my sinuses cleared and a truck went through them.

    my ears cleared and i could hear again.

    hair grew on my chest. and my ears, but the fire singed it all, which was nice.

    i asked for a to go bag but

    i threw it out at work and the trash can caught fire.

    and then the fire caught fire.

    but its sinuses cleared.

  5. Sunday, January 10, 2016

    mcdonalds has mozzarella sticks 


    ramie is a beautiful woman who loves mcdonalds nearly as much as i do. tonight i was all i hear they have a new thing going on over there. she said what, i said i dont know thats why i wanna go and find out.

    IMG_6670i thought i heard they had this thing where you could get two small things for $2 and it turned out to be true.

    you could get small fries, a chicken sandwich, a mcdouble, or three mozzarella sticks.

    mozzarella sticks?!?!

    indeed. so i was all fuckit i want like those, some fries, a mcchicken and some mcnuggets

    the sticks were fine, but petite. sorta not worth it even for a buck. maybe if you have a kid.

    and the weird thing is they dont have any options to get any larger size. like id pay $5 to get 20 of them. brotha needs 20. they also have to figure out how to make them stringier. the marinara sauce was fine, but any time im sitting down at a mcdonalds – which is rare – and i ordered something dippable, i’ll ask for hot mustard.

    hot mustard is something no other mcdonalds has. they should exploit that.

    they should introduce a new character

    something sexy, and yellow, and spicy and delicious that adds a punch whatever it’s spread on.

    angry drunk marge simpson?

  6. Sunday, December 27, 2015

    it happens every time, yet i do it every time 

    DLR tree topperany day i have a REAL day off, meaning no real work and no uber, i will wake up, fix myself a mimosa, and turn on the big tv to play XBox and the little tv to play tv.

    the laptop will give me a third screen. and the iphone will be playing some music.

    my senses get overloaded and i get a headache around noon that throbs for three or four hours.

    thats when i stop drinking, get some aspirin and turn off a few screens and maybe take a nap.

    when i revive around 6ish, i feel fantastic, like David Lee Roth doing the jump splits off the Van Halen drum riser.

    but i will usually fall into the same trap of turning on the video games and tv and i’ll get back to it. fortunately i dont get a late night headache – god knows why, but i dont.

    today is sunday, so i did all of that while watching the Fargo tv series of the first season. mama mia, what a great show. but now it’s 10:27pm and i wanna go out. i should have told the pretty girl who texted me during my headache to text me back around 11pm but that sounds like a booty call and we bloggers are way above that sorta thing. the thing is next week i have off and i plan on actually relaxing because oscar season gets into full swing in about a week so this is my last bout of doing jack shit for a while.

    these last few days have involved a lot of noodles.

    Christmas Eve Sass and i ate some delicious hot pot in pasadena and i nearly died of spicy joy. my sinuses will be clear for all of 2016. remind me to go back there again. whats the name? hmmmm something Sheep.

    then last night Ali and i were gonna eat some thai but she called an audible and we ended up at Blossom and those bowls of Pho were so big that my leftovers fit into a large bucket that i delivered to Jeanine when i got home and it helped soothe her flu.

    and tonight Jeanine made some delicious spaghetti and my noodle trifecta was achieved.

    i have a good life.

  7. Wednesday, October 21, 2015
  8. Monday, August 10, 2015

    what do you do with two canadians who want dinner? 

    poutine menu

    sass and emilio had never met somehow even though they went to the same college at the same time and hung in the same circles and knew the same ppl and danced the same dances and wore the same clothes and sang the same songs and played in the same bands and took the same classes and rushed the same sororities.

    but you know what brought them together?


    i mean the busblog

    and hollywood.

    and you.

    so it was time to celebrate and eat stuffs so we had poutine in hollywood!


    it wasnt bad. but as i like to say, the only bad poutine is no poutine.

    since emilio is a vegetarian because he “loves” animals,

    sass and i chose the duck poutine because jack in the box rarely has duck anything

    and i gotta tell you, ted nugent, littlefork’s duck poutine, despite not having actual cheese curds

    and technically not even being truly poutine

    is damn good american poutine

    sass and emilio

    afterwards we dropped off sass in a dark street in the hollywood hills

    so if she gets discovered in some manson family gang in a few months

    just know that her last really good meal was with moi and vous

    while a guy played 80s tunes from his laptop

    and i drank a margarita.

    quebecois everybody!

  9. Wednesday, May 6, 2015

    yesterday was cinco de blah blah 

    FYF Festinstead of drinking for no reason i took a walk because of my new Stepz app. do i wanna live forever? no. but while i’m here i dont wanna be a fat cow who can barely do anything physical.

    i also dont like having heart burn or back aches or all the other things im bound to have now that im 7 thousand years young.

    so i walked even though it was cold. (60 degrees).

    walked and walked and realized i was near a mexican grocery store. i love eating fish but the only fast food joint i know that serves grilled fish is Yoshimomo and all they serve is Tilapia which im told is the ugliest fish in the sea and will kill you if you eat too much of it.

    not sure i wanna die from fast food so i inspected the fresh fish the grocery store had, chose a big slab of Salmon, and some chips and salsa because it was cinco.

    walked home, george forman grilled it, and it was delicious.

    even had some leftovers for tonight and for the kittens.

    because my car has been in the shop ive been reorganizing my home. why? who cares. because no one else is doing it.

    found my favorite shirt which i thought had been thrown out by my maid.

    sorry connie!

    theres a damning line in Bob Dylan’s “Idiot Wind”, it’s the last line of the song actually where Dylan concludes

    We’re idiots, babe
    It’s a wonder we can even feed ourselves

    and I can totally relate.

  10. Wednesday, January 28, 2015

    i want chips, like all the time, in my mouth 


    it’s what makes me fat, im certain, but what can i do.

    those and the drive thru visits. and the lack of exercise.

    but what i want, always, as in right now, are chips. any sorts.

    doritios, bbq, oil and vinegar, cheetos, fritos, sun chips, avocado chips,

    but especially funyuns, like right now, like in my mouth.

    the problem with funyuns though is they ruin your breath for a good day.

    no amount of mouthwash will wash that onion out.

    so like what if a nice girl wants to kiss you?

    you can point to your cheek and have her kiss there, but youre supposed to be a man.

    on top of that youre supposed to be a gentleman, which means everything about you should smell fantastic.

    most importantly your breath. which it wont if you eat funyuns.

    i dont even like onions is the thing but i love funyuns.

    thats how crazy i am.

    so usually the only time i indulge in my favorite snack is late at night

    once i know theres no chance for a pretty girl to wanna smooch with me.

    it’s also a good booty call device because if someone txts you and says whattya doin

    and its 2:15am, you can honestly say, i just downed a bag of funyuns

    and if they say can me and my bff come over you can say

    i just downed a bag of funyuns

    and see if they giggle and say