dont tell anyone but i might be getting a job soon

and like all the other jobs i shoulda already got,

it is idealistic and needed, creative and inspiring

and if everything goes right i’ll be able to do it from whereever i want, which includes the tropical island of maui

or tokyo

or jamaica

or for a month or so, wrigleyville, illinois

maya rudolph was the host of snl on saturday

and they did this nice thing as a tribute to her mom, minnie riperton.

they posed her in these images based on her mom’s albums.

minnie’s mom, like jeanine’s died at 31 of breast cancer.

i talk to my mom all the time and i dont know what i would do without her.

just today she sent me a photo of a box of baseball cards from a department store

and luckily i was near the phone when it dinged

do you want these? she asked.

and indeed i did!

my mom told me that because the world is upside down right now she forgot that easter is next sunday and therefore her annual easter basket will not arrive on time.

but i must say it’s ok.

ironically, minus amber, my house is filled with food, in part because i have little appetite.

everythings crazy. everything.

something crazy happened just today.

i was on facebook, because im addicted. and someone said

if you are 50 or over they just opened the floodgates and if you get on it you can get an appointment to get your vaccination shot in the next few days.

and sure enough i got one for tuesday.

which means on wednesday imma

do exactly what i do now

stay up late

wake up at noon

think up crazy ideas that might be crazy enough to work

read everything that twitter can feed me

try not to pick fights with strangers

and then smoke weed around 2am in hopes of getting to sleep by 4.

what have i been eating? glad you asked.

theres been wild sales on campbell soup lately. like $1.50 a can.

i’ll put one of those cans in a pot

then i’ll add a bunch of peas or carrots or broccoli because george bush didn’t like em.

then i’ll toss in some pasta or rice.

basically beef it all up real good.

then when its almost done i’ll top it with some shredded cheese which melts real good

then i’ll grab an avocado and put that on top.

i do the dishes about every 3-4 days.

cooking cleaning and helping peoples dreams come true.

theres a lot of asian hate going on

i dont get it.

these asswipes are freaking out.

they’re panicking for some reason.

maybe they havent traveled much but the world looks a lot different than their local walmart parking lot

and YET there are some similarities.

depeche mode said it perfect – people are people so why should it be you and i should get along so awfully?

one thing id like to do when things are back to normal and i have irons on the fires so to speak

id like to go to a different thai joint in thai town every day for a month

with a different person who really knows what to order

and every day write about it.

maybe people wont tune in every day and maybe some days the person doesnt know shit about thai food, fuck rules

but people would def read some of it.

sometimes she wants to go on a drive so we take a little drive

theres been some girls who ive had a spiritual closeness with

some who could do it all with a kiss

one who was rich, some who were poor, three who loved to fight

one who hated me touching her, and one who hated me not touching her.

but one thing almost all of them loved doing was going for a little road trip.

drive she said.

she requested neptunes net but i wanted to head east old man


took sunset to caesar chavez through east LA. she said she wanted chinese. theres chinese over there but you get tempted by all these other delights.

even two tacos from jack in the box will get me to pull over since they’re only about a buck and a quarter.

but we kept going. slowly. happily.

the sun was out, the mountains way back in the distance were snow capped.

there were some clouds up there for decoration.

after a while we approached the prettiest soup plantation and i was all wanna

but she wanted chinese. good for her.

wound up at some dim sum spot that seemed legit. clean. big. easy parking.

went in and well attended for the late hour. a family at a big round table over there

an older asian couple on a fourtop.

a nice little table was empty over in a corner

how about over there we asked the young lady?

oh nooo tooo small.

manager came over in a suit. have a seat here, he said pointing at a big table close to the register and the front door. clearly they wanted passers by to see a famous blogger was dining with them.

but it was cold there. and way too close to the tv that was showing childrens programming.

how about over there? i asked him.

oh nooo so smallllll he said and we sat down.

menu came out and she was not impressed. im not feeling this place, she said. then lets leave i said, i dont owe nobody nothing. but shes polite. we muscled through.

soon another lady came by. spoke zero english. maybe 10 people working on the floor i dont think any of them could tell us what was on the menu

fine with me.

ive been watching these youtube guys who travel the world and no one understand anyone.

did any of those girls understand me?

but sometimes you just point and pray.

what came out were the most delicious shrimp steamed in a dumpling.

vegetarian fried rice that was moist and tasty with slivers of egg that didnt seem like any eggs ive been eating

bok choy, and i dont eat a lot of vegetables, but these tasted like something else entirely, chicken maybe.

taquitos with shrimp, basically

and these tiny little pot pies that squirted when you bit in,

so it’s best to just let them explode in your mouth.

some girls get riled up after a surprisingly great chinese meal way out east

other girls say omg lets stop at starbucks

this is how weird i am

im a sucker for deals. like the biggest sucker. in the world. ever.

like my hero kurdt cobain, i have a very delicate stomach. when i was in college i weighed like 112 pounds. id go to the dining commons and get a bowl of jello and a few pieces of bread with butter. maybe a scoop of ice cream afterwards but id get “full” really fast because if i ate any thing more than a little something my stomach would rage at me like WTF tony!

even though my waistline has expanded greatly over time, it’s rare that i will finish my plate. the other night chris and i went to the pacific dining car because they were selling steaks for $1. of course the sides were $13 each and he ordered a martini that set him back $16. but we got out of there for $50 before tip. anyway, as good as the steak was, i still have half of it in the fridge. stomach hates red meat.

stomach also isn’t crazy about pizza. but im from chicago. and even though LA pizza can’t even compare to chicago pies, im a sucker for deals and pizza hut emailed me this special offer for a large 2 topping for $5.99. but you have to pick it up. no problem.

amber’s bus stops near the closest pizza hut to us so i said yo i’ll meet you in the parking lot in a half hour. im getting us a pizza. it’s warm right now. 75 or so. so before i drove there, i went to a local mini market and got a mexicoke for me and a sparkling water for her. then i grabbed a blanket and after we got the pizza i drove up the little hill to a little park and we had an impromptu picnic.

which she loved.

but here i am now at 1:27am with the worst stomach ache because duh. stomach hates pizza.

but that pizza was basically free!

been eating a lot of baked goods

croissants, toast, bagels
i know i know but hear me out

then ambers friend needed a couch to crash on for a few days
so ambers like fuck that, take the whole place ah there it is

anyways so now we’re gonna go on a little road trip since we have someone to watch the cats

is this the right time for any of this? no. is there ever a right time for anything?

all i know is my neighbor of many years backed her stuff and i got a moving van

and i thought high tailed it to somewhere but tonight shes up there

with  a man!

and theyre just laughing and laughing which i hadnt heard in a little while

so cheers to that and cheers to her

maybe shes been eating some baked goods too.

this food bank keeps texting me

if you pay $40 they give you two huge shopping cart of food and drink and vegetables and 7 loaves of bread and rice and frozen things like a case of burritos

and everything is about to expire and if you dont buy it they give it to zoo animals who are gonna be fine

aint no one ever heard of a zoo animal dying of starvation.

but still its hard to roll up in there with a benz and fill up the trunk and back seat with food earmarked for the poor but the poor are too poor to drive down there and volunteer for 4 hours or hand over $40

plus amber gets stressed out trying to

  • find room in our fridge for all of it
  • eat it
  • watch it stare at us and slowly age as we try to eat it all

so i was like, it’s just $40, why dont we give away as much as we can on the way home

keeping the stuff we really like

and anything thats left over will probably fit in the fridge.

seriously who needs 200 tortillas and 5 lbs of frozen lox?

lets give it away and we will feel stoked and they will feel stoked and we end up with 6 heads of lettuce

and 22 apples.

she goes, its my day off, please dont stress me out.

i hug her and apologize and then flash my man boobs.

and then the food bank texts me again

this time in spanish

we had hot n juicy last night

amber was all, fuck these gloves

lets just eat with our dirty ass fingers

so we took off the plastic protectors

spilled the crawfish and shrimp and sausage and corn and potatoes on the plastic tarp of the table

we slid our sodas aside

and she dug in

i shoved my face right in there

people stared and when i came up i said mgmmagajldsajklddsjklsd

motown was playing

eighteen basketball games were on the tvs

they were selling free calendars at the register. but the best thing was they had a sink


of the bathroom so you could just wash your hands and fingers and nostrils right there

without having to go into a stinky litrene


and now i have leftovers that my man josh says i should toss into an omelette.

hot n juicy: corner of santa monica and la brea next to the target

ordered some thai food because i was tired of soup

sunday soup, monday soup, tuesday wednesday soup soup

amber has been learning how to crock pot and shes a quick learner, gotta say

and she makes all my favorite things: carrots, broccoli, potatoes

but today i needed a change of pace

thai soup.

milky. spicy. with a little tofu in there for ya.

noodles. chicken. sticky rice.

it cost a days wages but tonight we celebrate

because i have been healed.

yesterday was elisas last day at work and patrick j dropped by

so a bunch of us went to Natalee Thai on robertson and olympic

usually the primo thai joint in 90210

a close second going to tuk tuk thai

the place was packed

they sat us in the back.

when the food came out it was hot

spicy hot like omg

then it got really hot

i drank coke. then ate rice.

people were crying.

i was crying.

my sinuses cleared and a truck went through them.

my ears cleared and i could hear again.

hair grew on my chest. and my ears, but the fire singed it all, which was nice.

i asked for a to go bag but

i threw it out at work and the trash can caught fire.

and then the fire caught fire.

but its sinuses cleared.

mcdonalds has mozzarella sticks


ramie is a beautiful woman who loves mcdonalds nearly as much as i do. tonight i was all i hear they have a new thing going on over there. she said what, i said i dont know thats why i wanna go and find out.

IMG_6670i thought i heard they had this thing where you could get two small things for $2 and it turned out to be true.

you could get small fries, a chicken sandwich, a mcdouble, or three mozzarella sticks.

mozzarella sticks?!?!

indeed. so i was all fuckit i want like those, some fries, a mcchicken and some mcnuggets

the sticks were fine, but petite. sorta not worth it even for a buck. maybe if you have a kid.

and the weird thing is they dont have any options to get any larger size. like id pay $5 to get 20 of them. brotha needs 20. they also have to figure out how to make them stringier. the marinara sauce was fine, but any time im sitting down at a mcdonalds – which is rare – and i ordered something dippable, i’ll ask for hot mustard.

hot mustard is something no other mcdonalds has. they should exploit that.

they should introduce a new character

something sexy, and yellow, and spicy and delicious that adds a punch whatever it’s spread on.

angry drunk marge simpson?