nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, November 24, 2016

    is the world gonna end? 


    is that what Aretha is telling us by singing the Anthem this way this morning?


    will it be Trump’s fault?


    will it be our fault?




    ok then. ok.


  2. Tuesday, November 22, 2016

    as you know im a bizarre man 


    for years i have enjoyed Fantasy sports, but when i was at the Times, I was introduced to a fantasy game called Losers Football.

    it’s really simple: you pick an NFL team that you think is gonna lose, if they lose that week you make it to the next week but you can’t use that team again.

    the guy who runs it did a very smart thing, he made two leagues that happen simultaneously. the second league starts in Week 5, that way if you lose the first league early (which happens) then you can focus on the second league and continue to enjoy the season.

    even though we started with 169 players, look who has made it to the Final 12.

    this week i have the New York Jets losing to the New England Deflators.

    it’s weird rooting for teams you hate or rooting against your favorite teams, but whatever, if i win I think I get $800.

    Tom Brady better not break his leg early in this game.

  3. Sunday, November 8, 2015
  4. Thursday, September 3, 2015

    today tom brady was released from fake jail 


    proving once and for all that some people have all the luck and luck it is

    trust me, if i dumped my pregnant girlfriend for a brazillian supermodel id never hear the end of it

    and if i had my equipment manager illegally deflate my footballs before the AFC championship game

    my mom would yell at me and say


    but tom brady can get away with murder because he has a symmetrical face and genes that make him a few inches taller than your average bear

    the bible tells us that we shouldnt fret because even though payback is a b-word it doesnt always happen here in earth

    right next to it is a picture of St. Peter cracking his knuckles

    and St. Paul digging crud out of his finger nails

    and St. Mark practicing his nunchucks

    and St. Shadrach turning up the heat in the firey furnace.

    your time is gonna come, led zeppelin warned

    oh yes they did.

  5. Monday, June 1, 2015

    is there something wrong? 

    pink lakei dont think so.

    if anything i feel like something really good is about to happen.

    theres a fine line between nervousness and excitement, i dont mind feeling either but i think sometimes my outward appearance doesn’t look like i care.

    oh, i care.

    i care maybe a million times more than you think.

    i care so much i might be freaking out a little inside but i know that as long as i can get in the batters box it’ll be ok. it always has been. i can hit. i can connect. let the fans clank whatever they got.

    when i was little my mom let me sign up for pop warner football. i was like 11 or 12. kids! one of the things they told us to do was wash out an old pop can and put some dry beans in there and tape up the hole with duct tape. then they gave us a sheet with all the kids names and jersey numbers and we taped that to the can and painted it blue and white (our colors, we were the colts). then our moms could shake the cans in the stands to cause some excitement.

    if anything it taught us how to block out all the noise and just listen to the voice in your helmet.

    you can do this.

    you got this.

    stick your shoulder in him.

    that doesnt hurt.

    youre not cold.

    he aint that big.


  6. Thursday, January 22, 2015


    tumblr_nik5avsmg31s201nro1_400so twice now in the last few years the new england patriots have been caught cheating

    this time they were caught during the AFC Championship game

    now a real commissioner would rule that the Patriots, who are on probation, have forfeited their right to play in the Super Bowl

    or a soft commissioner would rule that the Patriots should have two people banned from the Super Bowl

    namely the coach, who is a huge liar, and obvs knows when 11 of 12 balls are being fucked with

    and the QB who is also a huge liar and obvs knows when the centerpiece of his professional life

    the football in his hands

    is 16% lighter and squeezier than normal balls.

    but we dont live in that world. we live in a world where the NFL commissioner wants to keep his $44 million salary

    and he doesnt want to scare his bosses, the NFL owners, into thinking that he would ever do anything that dramatic to them

    if he ever caught them with their hands in the cookie jar.

    so he will do the least courageous thing possible: he will fine the team a few hundred grand

    and make them lose another draft pick.

    just like last time

    just like any time.

    why? because his balls are deflated too.

  7. Saturday, August 23, 2014

    hate is a strong word 


    especially while wearing a Sweetness jersey.

    im very excited for the beginning of the NFL season but i dont hate anyone.

    i hate MLB for keeping Pete Rose out of the baseball Hall of Fame

    i hate that Obama thinks its ok to spy on Americans and lie about it.

    i hate that Uber doesn’t seem to care about its drivers.

    i hate that time flies so quickly and i havent done half the things i wanna do yet.

    i hate how cute my kittens are because it makes it hard to give them away.

    other than that i pretty much love everything.

    like you.

  8. Wednesday, January 22, 2014
  9. Wednesday, August 28, 2013

    hate at first sight: madden 25 

    madden 25this is a new series of reviews of things that sucked pretty much right off the bat.

    the first installment will be: EA Sports Madden 25.

    only reason i got this from Amazon for $99 is for the priceless access to all of Directv’s airings of the real NFL games through the upcoming season.

    normally to get that youd need a directv dish, about $250, and the ability to be in front of your tv on gameday.

    with this new Directv offer you get all the games on your smartphone, tablet, or laptop.

    which means if you happen to find yourself in a cabin in lake tahoe during week 13 and your baby says why dont you watch the game im gonna take a super long bath… you can flip on your laptop and watch da bears and da whoevers.

    like papa bear hallas intended oh so many eons ago.

    maybe directv cant just flat out offer this to the world as a stand-alone product,

    maybe they have to bundle it with a game so bad i threw it on eBay after an hour of fiddling with it.

    maybe they dont realize that this directv product is actually more valuable than its original product

    because its so flexible and convenient and now that things like Roku and Chromecast exist,

    a football fan would probably prefer the games on the laptop because then they can beam it to whatever tv is in front of them.

    not necessarily the one hooked up to their satellite dish.

    these be modern times, yall.

    which is why its so disappointing that madden football, one of the most popular and amazing franchises in all of video games, refuses to change with them and keep making the same bad game year after year.

    there was a time during the sega genesis era when each year madden would improve and delight and amaze

    and even though technology has leapt forward with time and everythings so realistic

    and theres so much more depth to the product than ever before,

    the gameplay has only floundered. and the options have only gotten more complicated.

    its especially disappointing in light of games like nba2k, which have figured out how to have technology enhance game play in sports video games.

    basically this is what happens when there is no competition: the product fails.

    barack obama, tear down this wall, and allow other video games to liscense the NFL brands and players names and let there be a solid challenger to the old and moldy madden which i wont ever buy again

    unless they throw in this amazing directv dealio again.

  10. Sunday, July 28, 2013