what do you do if you think yr gonna die

do you just lay in the hospital and listen to the beeps and the boops and watch people stroll around and whisper to each other?

or do you go see your friends.

the people with the flags that have your name on em. big and blue and red.

and what of the people around you who are being paid to protect you?

do you worry you might infect them?

do you believe them when they say, it is our duty to protect you so anything you want to do is fine with us.

our family will understand.

especially the children.

once theyre old enough.

and speaking of family, wouldnt it have been a tad more romantic

and even downright beautiful

if instead of driving around the block a few times to wave to random strangers

and instead of having your doctors lie on your behalf

and get caught lying because doctors are terrible liars

you drove back home

fast as you can

better yet, use the copter – that big fat green whirlybird

and you fly back real quick to the white house

and you walk off stairs of marine one and there you are met by your wife

your ridiculously beautiful wife.

the one who probably hates your guts for getting her the disease that has no cure.

it doesnt matter how few people it kills, on average

it’s still deadly

and she says if i dont die i vill kill you for doing this to me

and there you two are

on the white house grass

hair blowing in the wind

and you plant a big old sloppy wet kiss on her

and hug

and you kiss her again, but on the cheek

and walk back to the copter

whose blades never stopped

hop in

and fly back to walter reed

and when they take a picture of you signing a letter

tell em it’s to yr girl

begging her forgiveness

for everything.

she writes me all the time, says shes sorry, but she lies

annahas always lied, will always lie, thats why when she texts me my phone shows a tiny picture of her on one of our road trips with the name lier on it cuz she could never spell.

am i tempted to write her back? of course. prick me dont i bleed?

but im a million. ive gone through this before. and every time i say oh its cool its never cool. have i no memory? have i no rewind button in my head. my rewind button is used so much you cant even see the markings any more on the key.

we had some great times together. some of the best in my whole live long life. times i know will never be matched with any one ever again. but we had some bad times that also, will never be matched.

and by not returning her texts and letters and gifts im making sure they never repeat.

fool me a billion times, shame on you. fool me a billion and one…

theres ways she could get me back in her graces though. i wonder if she knows them. i dont get naked with dumb girls so she probably knows. just stubborn. or still slightly sick.

but heres the problem. forgiveness. every sunday i read the good book and every sunday God gets pissed, rightfully, but now im in the new testament and theres Jesus, the embodiment of forgiveness. all the sins he paid for. all. like the band: all. like the one second song: all. like how much it hurt me: all.

but the good book doesnt really tell us about the time someone did something horribly mean to moses or david or peter or paul or jesus and then was like omg my bad, MY BAD! and jesus was all, are you sure, and they were like ARE YOU KIDDING YES AHHHHHHHHHH

and its not like i live my entire life by the holy text but why should i believe her this time when all of the other times when i did it only got worse. she only became more evil. she only got more selfish and heartless and stupid?

my momma didnt carry me around in her belly so i could grow up and get crapped on by a crappy crap who had no reason to ever do anything to me but love me. which i guess isnt anything Jesus could ever say, but someone in that book coulda and it woulda been my favorite line in there. instead i gotta just not even open the perfumed christmas cards any more bc i know its just bs anyways so who cares.