nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, July 29, 2017

    she said come over here, i was all where 


    said under here

    i said underwear

    we were in the south of france in the rain on a farm

    in a barn

    outside the kids were playing in the pool

    little mint sprouts growing all around the edges

    i guess theres no chlorine in the pool to kill em

    maybe they aint got chlorine in france i thought

    poor french

    we gave em mcdonalds, spaghetti-o’s, 3D movies, and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, but somehow chlorine – which sounds french – didnt make it on the boat.

    it was 20 years ago.

    even then i felt old.

    thats the funny thing about life, you’re never really where you wanna be in life

    or the age you think you should be

    or in the car you think you should drive

    but for that week all was right.

    all was perfect.

    for that week the cows were the right ones

    the wine, the friends, the girl, the hair, and even though we were poor

    we all got on planes and jetted over seas in the summer to party hearty.

    because maybe all the time

    everythings more perfect than we think.

  2. Thursday, June 22, 2017

    you know someone respects you 

    and considers you their friend

    if they send you pics of their naked body covered in either



    stress rash

    sun rash

    BDSM bites

    and/or panic attacks.

    for some reason Mary thinks I’m a doctor.

    far as i know her man is a world renowned surgeon, but me she sends her gross pics to.

    but i’ll take it because i have nothing better to do than sit in bed with a differnt hot blonde doing gross google searches as the tv flickrs and the cats peek under the closed door and the wind


    and the trucks back up outside

    beep beep beep beep

    called my city representative yesterday.

    got his lackey.

    actually got the lackey’s assistant.

    that dude DID NOT want me to leave a message, but i convinced him to allow it anyways. i left a message.

    dude left ME a message the next day which was full of baloney.

    one thing i like about Mary is she isn’t full of baloney. at least not to me. which is something that i also consider respectful.

    when people feed me bs i consider it this:

    Tony, I know you’re not a dummy but i’m hoping on this one topic you are, so heres a ton of malarkey im gonna toss at you.

    because you probably are a dummy.

    but im not.

    i just dont know what causes rashes.

    and im secretly trying to find something – anything – else to look at in your nudes.

  3. Sunday, January 22, 2017

    today Ben got married 

    today LA’s favorite son, Ben Sullivan, founder of ScienceBlog.com, soup kitchen hander outer, and all around great guy, got married to equally wonderful Soomi.

    a few weeks ago they took me out to dinner and asked me if i would “speak” at the pre-wedding celebration which was held last night in Kim n Os’s backyard of children and swimming pools. they said i would be the MC of the event which would also include live music from our friends, delicious tacos, and so much booze and friends from literally around the world.

    it was a super special night. the Lord kept the rain from coming down and inspired me to write something that everyone said was good. It was both a tough crowd because they are all amazingly talented writers and an easy crowd because they had been drinking for a good hour before i got the Mr. Microphone.

    here’s a transcript of my sermon/speech/toast thing

    Love love love love love
    All you need is love
    Love is a battlefield
    Love is an elevator
    There’s ups, theres downs. The doors slide open to a new floor, you roam around and you get lost on it. Alone.
    But if you’re lucky either a door opens or you have the courage to knock on one.
    And magic happens.  Love!
    And changes everything.
    You can’t sleep, theres a skip in your step, you’re suddenly singing along to the radio.
    Your fruit punch soda tastes bubblier
    Your burritos taste guacamolier.
    Even the birds in the trees and the barking dogs in the alley seem to be saying fuck yeah buddies.
    Fuck yeah.
    We are in this beautiful backyard tonight to celebrate the bubblier fruit punch soda that is Soomi and Ben.
    We are the birds in the trees who will always be around them as more than just witnesses — but as supporters
    And inspiration, and quiet protection for their special union.
    Not that it’s needed, but because we love them and are inspired ourselves.
    Soomi comes to us from Jin Hay Goo, South Korea in the Dirty South Eastern part of the proud country.
    Jin Hay is known for it’s 10-day Blossom Festival in the Spring when all the pretty girls of town go out to the square with cute little bouquets of blossoms and call out
    Which, weirdly, is Korean for Tony.
    Recently the neighboring cities of Changwon and Masan joined Jin Hay to make a bigger, stronger city
    and in a way that’s whats happening here.
    Benjamin J. Sullivan was born in Staten Island, NY
    true story
    He came to California to sing for Guns n Roses but when he saw Axl in person he was all ok all right.
    But he continued his love of music.
    The other day I asked Ben if there was any song that reminded him of his fiancee? He said Either Cindy Laupler’s True Colors or Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
    He continued:
    Which coincidentally both involve colors. Which may be because “the world before Soomi went from a perfectly acceptable but somewhat muted sepiatone to one that is so much richer and bright, and, well, what’s the synonym for colorful? Whatever it is: that.”
    A few days after that I asked Soomi when did she first have the hots for Ben?
    She said on their third date – somebody was counting – they went to a dinner theater. Dinner Theater? BEN!
    But it was very funny, reportedly, and she was laughing and he was laughing and she looked at him and saw his eyes wrinkled and thought it was adorable.
    Ben says that the thing he loves most about Soomi is her “open heart to others.
    “Those who obviously need it, like the lonely neighbor, or men and women on Skid Row, or the less obvious who need it but whom she can just tell.”
    We all know Ben also has a huge heart, the longtime president of the nicest guy in america competition,
    Soomi says she fell for Ben in an unusual but beautiful way.
    “I sent him a paper my friend had just published on the economics of microbial trade.”
    I had to Google it too. It broke Google.
    But Soomi said, “Ben wrote me back and said ‘when you send me things like this it makes me recognize that I’m more than a little bit in love with you.”
    And she said at that point she couldn’t deny that she was in love with him too.
    Last August they were on vacation. They were going to a fancy seafood restaurant in Carlsbad.
    Soomi said, “He insisted on putting on a coat. When we left the hotel, he was obviously so nervous that he could not make any eye contact with me. So I knew it was probably coming, so I thought I would stay cool up until the time comes.”
    But when he popped the question she was totally overwhelmed.
    Here’s to their champagne always tasting bubblier.
  4. Thursday, November 24, 2016

    do i have anything to be thankful for? i do. 


    starting with you, my family, and friends,


    and all the great food we get to enjoy.

    cubs world series ring

    the Cubs of course especially Theo Epstein and the brewers of Old Style Beer.

    old style

    I am thankful for my health, and the health of Emily Ratajkowski.


    I am thankful for my great job,


    my side hustle,

    when uber was fun

    and high speed internet. I am thankful for my cats even though they are super weird and pretty much ungrateful and entitled.


    I’m thankful for my khaleesi


    and all my Uber and Lyft passengers who all want to take selfies with me for some reason.

    obey peace

    I am thankful for the Obey sample sale, Howard Stern, Baba Booey, Fred, Sour Shoes,

    howard stern and beth stern

    Fat Artie, and Robin’s health. I am thankful for the Internet, all my past and future loves.


    I am thankful for German engineering, Mike Tyson,

    xbi mobile in dtla next to mike tyson

    and all my high school friends who have now had their dreams come true


    – thanks to the Cubs, Theo and the brewers of Old Style.



    I’m thankful for Taylor Swift, Rihanna, cheap gas, Anna Kournikova,


    Charles Bukowski, Iceberg Slim, the Truest,

    kanye smiling bc he's happy

    and I pray for good health for Kanye West.

    springsteen on the sunset strip

    I’m grateful for Little Armenia, Hollywood Blvd., and Sunset Blvd where the freaks come out.

    obama trump

    I am thankful for my president, Canadian McDonalds,

    the pants

    all of the jobs of my past, the voters of California who made weed legal,

    isla vista

    Isla Vista, rock music,


    hippie friends

    my college friends who continue to rock, the Hollywood Bowl,

    sass and her friend in my crib

    Canadians who move to Cali,

    bono and friends

    the readers of the busblog, the moon,


    my favorite book The Bible, KFC $5 Fillups,

    shortsop tyler

    left handed leadoff hitting shortstops who happen to be my nephew,

    jeff solomon lincoln

    and President Abraham Solomon

  5. Thursday, September 22, 2016

    have i told you i have the greatest friends? 

    14358886_10154511586878057_7270332091119793027_nlast night a handful of my friends from high school met me at Wrigley Field for my annual pilgrimage to the Friendly Confines.

    i was very fortunate in high school that i knew so many cool people and it was great to be reunited with them, a couple of whom i have only seen a few times in the last 20 years.

    the day began with thunderstorms and rain – two things this Los Angeleno hasn’t experienced in nearly 20 years and i didnt know how to handle it.

    but the midwest is a wild place, thunderstorms in the morning and afternoon doesnt necessarily mean a night game rain out. in fact last night it meant just the opposite: beautiful weather, clear skys, clean streets, green grass, gorgeous ivy, and memorable times with friends who have always remained in my heart.

    my mom drove me to monica and her hunky husband’s amazing dream home. patrick is a master with iron and monica’s dad is a talented and skilled contractor who used to build stairs in their summer home that lead to nowhere for fun.

    i imagine that once his oldest daughter owned her own home he was thrilled to use his master craftsmanship and love for her in beautiful ways, and i gotta say, i have been in some o the coolest homes in LA, and Herr Troesken blows them away.

    also i loved that nearly everywhere i looked in the home were Cubs memorabilia on walls, atop tables and even as nightlights.

    patrick drove through the rush hour traffic and monica and i gabbed like two ladies at the hair dressers.

    when we arrived at Wrigleyville we took a stroll around all the new development which gave me mixed emotions because they sure are building up the place that used to be quaint and authentic and old school, almost like lalala oh theres a baseball stadium right in the middle of town? look at that!

    soon it will look more like oh theres a city surrounding the baseball complex? weird.


    after several beers, pulled pork sandwhiches, wine, and trips to various bars we all met at the Harry Caray statue and congregated in the Left Field bleachers. thanks to the rain a lot of the fair weather fans stayed home which meant there was plenty of room for our large group to move around and do our thing in about the fourth and fifth row.


    Bob, the real MVP of the night, bought the tickets for us, and even made tshirts to celebrate the evening. he is my oldest friend, i first met him my first day of Kindergarten and even though we havent lived in the same time zone for quite a while, i will never forget sitting in the left field bleachers when we were in junior high along with our other grade school pal Todd  – and later our high school bud Keith. Hopefully the next time we are all at Wrigley those General Managers can come too.

    laura julie and monica

    other MVPs include high school friends Laura and Julie who took the train from the far out in the sticks to join us. Laura is a school teacher and librarian who invited me to teach her class next September which i gladly accepted. and Julie is one of the few remaining cattle farmers of Northern Illinois and one of my closest friends from school. She told me she made a binder of all the notes I passed her in school which she saved for when I get famous. I apologized for letting her down, although now I’m very curious about those notes because that was basically the Genesis for the busblog.

    Of the friends who i knew in school, these three ladies probably account for 75% of what influenced me in my juvenilia. all i ever wanted to do was impress and entertain them, and i usually did it through my body building and short story writing. so what a joy it was to reunite with them after all these years. AND AT MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD!


    because you should always have special guests, also in attendance was my LAist News Editor, Andy Sternberg, who moved from the sandy beaches of Venice to the North Side of Chicago so he could walk to Cubs games to experience this magical season. it was awesome to chill with he and his lovely new lady – who is also a big cubs fan, so i approved.


    i felt a little sad for Monica’s hubby Patrick who had to hear all our old high school war stories, but he seemed ok with it all. what a trooper. i forgot to tell him i wanted his Cubs shirt. But I am glad I didn’t because he would have probably taken it off his back for me.

    Speaking of, you can no longer go topless at Wrigley, which disturbed me, so I took off my shirt (not pictured) and plan to take it off again at my next visit because come on man.


    also in attendance was this fun couple who we didn’t know but who had the sad misfortune of sitting next to us. Because Bob is the Ambassador of Fun, not only did he become friends with them immediately but they taught him a game-long Cub Cup gambling game which I immediately jumped in on. they nick-named me Hollywood – which was apropos since i funded most of the pretty girls’ winnings with very little to show for it afterwards.

    Cubs won, new friends were made and I even met two Mexican young ladies who overheard me talk trash about San Diego, but it led to them giving me their numbers as they told me about their relative’s Carnitas joint on West Cermak.

    so see, people really do win on MTV.


  6. Sunday, September 18, 2016

    missed my flight yesterday, thanks xbi 

    me and benthe agency thought i could do something last minute on a saturday right before i was supposed to be jetting to the airport

    and i was all, double, they were all, forget it. i was like syanarya. they were all thats not even how you spell it.

    because i am toooooo nice for my own good i did it and got the greatest uber driver to take me to the airport andelay. super cool. i asked him where he is from he said, i am from mexico my friend. i said where?

    and listen to this he told me he was nervous about trump. i said hes not gonna win. he said but im nervous and heres what im thinking, so he deports us. good. maybe thats the best thing to make mexico strong. maybe the mexicans like me in the US work hard. maybe we are smarter. maybe we have learned english. maybe we have learned skills here. maybe if we bring it all back to mexico in large amounts. maybe we can kick out the criminals who run so many things in mexico and maybe we can make it a great country. a strong country.

    i said, a better version of canada?

    he said, our food and weather are already better.

    and then we talked about tacos for the rest of the ride. being from Michoacán he was all about the carnitas. i was all, how long have you been in LA? he said, 12 years. i was all wheres the best carnitas in LA? he said, in my belly, thanks to my wife.

    mark johnson has been crashing with me. today he wanted breakfast, so i called up emilo and said we’ll be in DTLA in 25 minutes. we all met and went over to Cliftons which has great breakfast and who knew it, a jazz band. dude played flute, clarinet, sax. really good jazz too. then we wanted a beer to wash it all down so we went to the former LA Brewing Co. which is now Beirgarten LA. and who do we run into, Mr. Ben Sullivan and his fiancee and her amigos.

    as Dov would say, “that’s Los Angeles.”

  7. Tuesday, August 23, 2016

    she said how come you don’t write about your friends very much 

    my living roomi said i dont?

    have i told you i have the greatest friends?

    theyre smart and funny and beautiful and some even made beautiful little ones.

    they motivate me and inspire me and fill me with joy whenever i am around them.

    soon i will be going to my favorite place in the world with some friends i have known since high school and even before that.

    but lots of times i hang with friends ive known since my first days at college.

    and often i wish i was hanging out with them more because they might be the best people on earth.

    i do believe in God and i do believe in Heaven and if i get to make it to Heaven and get to talk with God

    i will not at all be surprised if he tells me, tony, you had the dream team of friends.

    the people you got to learn from and rock out with and drink and smoke and eat and travel with

    those were the best we had.

    you are part of them.


    crazy ass you.

    and thats why you all stick together and float from sea to shining sea together like migratory birds.

    the home you live in was first found by one friend who then handed it over to another and then to you.

    the girls you kissed often were kissed by other friends first.

    as it should be.

    the clothes you wear the music you listen to the books you read have all been vetted by your friends and analyzed and when you all move back to isla vista, you will play those songs and talk about those books

    and together you will share in the one thing that ties you all together:

    freaky love.

  8. Tuesday, June 28, 2016

    Matt Welch is stepping down from being Editor in Chief of Reason 

    matt emmanuelle mayorThe man has a wife and two lovely daughters to support. So what will he do next?

    Because the typically transparent Lakewoodian has been unusually tight lipped, one can only assume he already has something in the works.

    Here are the Busblog Speculations:

    1. he will be the Campaign Manager for the Tony Villar for Governor campaign

    2. he will replace Albert Pujols at first base for the Angels (cant do any worse)

    3. he will play rhythm guitar in the Ringo Starr All Starr Band

    4. he will return to UCSB to finish his degree, become sports editor of the Nexus, and bring back the Good Morning Goleta radio show on KCSB.

    5. he will replace the outgoing Skip Bayless and square off against Stephen A. Smith every morning on a new ESPN show called “Loudmouth and Whitey”.

    6. he will return to his beloved Eastern Europe, along with his pal Tony Pierce, where they will roll out a chain of taco joints called Del Playa Taqueria.

    7. he will be a producer on the next Morgan J. Freeman MTV series called Strapped about teen NRA members who love hip hop.

    8. he will go into business helping gentrification-focused real estate flippers install Conversation Pits into Craftsman homes.

    9. he will return to a life of crime, by which I mean letting his hair grow out and panhandling Euros from tourists on the Charles Bridge

    10.  Two words: Tronc VP

  9. Tuesday, April 26, 2016

    once a year matt and emmauelle come to town for tacos 

    ben matt and busblog

    and we eat them at Malo and drink the tasty margaritas and catch up and all is well

    and in the morning i have a throbbing headache

    and in the afternoon i want to die

    but its worth it because all our friends are lovely like basart who took this pic

    and ben who secretly paid the tab!

    ben wondered if maybe this so called thing called Life could be a computer simulation

    maybe we’re all droids

    and as they were discussing the philosophy of Berkeley i said

    i dont think this is a computer simulation. i dont think we are droids


    when i first came to LA and first made out with this beautiful girl in the backseat of my grandmas cadillac

    we were doing this and we were doing that

    and i was thinking oh man im so lucky, look how beautiful this girl is, look how beautiful this view is, listen to how the radio station is stoking us with killer music

    and then she said, tony, slap me, slap me right in the face

    i said ?

    she said, it’ll turn me so on

    i said to the boys, aint no computer simulation i know of that would program a very sweet make out session that would climax, so to speak, in the pretty girl saying slap me and call me a ho

    so screw you Bishop Berkeley

  10. Thursday, March 3, 2016

    did i drink a lot of margaritas last night? 

    seanaor was it the perfect amount of margaritas?

    we were celebrating two special occasions: charlie at (not pictured) returning to silver lake to visit and say hi

    and seana fitt returning to LA to say hi.

    when it comes to good friends i have an embarrassment of riches, which i am always surprised about because when i moved to LA i knew nobody here. and i knew even fewer when i transferred to UCSB.

    all through grade- and high school i knew everyone, so was i a little nervous that it would be hard for me to start with a fresh slate? of course. but like minded people congregate to each other very naturally as long as you’re open to it, which is beautiful.

    anyways seana told me last week that she was gonna be in town and we should hang. i told her lets hang on weds because by then i should be bouncing back from the exhaustion of the oscars.

    meanwhile young mr hornberger was rounding up peoples to drink with and all the stars aligned and so many good people arrived including one of jeanine’s old grade school friends who interned at KROQ during the 80s so of course i had a million questions.

    and she had answers.

    as it happens with most parties i wish i could have cloned myself into 88 mes so i could have good long chats with everyone but maybe you get to do that in heaven. here you get to drink, eat nachos, and thank your lucky stars.