nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, February 21, 2021

    hung out with friends because they already had COVID and beat it 

    i wanted to hug them hello but they said, you better not

    which is weird, shouldn’t we know by now if it’s ok?

    and haven’t we been told that if you get it, that’s it, you can’t spread it any more?

    it was nice though. friends. talking about new things, olden times. everything.

    we drank water and ate guacamole.

    chatted about sex drugs and rock music.

    psychology, psychiatry, and the pros and cons of letting your cat be outdoor cats.

    they live closer to coyotes than i do but they didnt seem all that scared for their feline

    they were more worried that because i have so many more cars around me

    and people

    that my now 6(!) year old cats probably might not be able to make the adjustment to knowing that a car will run them over if they dont move, b, get out the way.

    it all came about because i was explaining how uptight i get when i post pics of them and ppl call them fat.

    all house cats are fat, one of my friends said

    which makes sense, if you dont get any steps in of course youre not going to burn off your kibble.

    finally they just told me something i have always known and usually live by

    but for some reason when it comes to Prince & Michael i have a hard time with:

    fuck what other ppl say

  2. Monday, January 18, 2021

    a lot of people were super nice to me today 

    carolyn and ben and A’magine and especially ken layne who talked to me for so long

    im not a phone talker anymore but i had such a hard morning that i got on the horn and yapped

    i needed, most of all, to know that i was not alone in this galaxy

    which is funny because Ken is a UFO expert.

    and during our epic convo he asked me if i had ever seen an alien

    i had to admit that i had not, but i told him about an outer body experience i had

    which he says counts but he was being generous.

    sometimes i think the aliens arent going to be the space creatures we imagine

    but people who vote by the millions for dudes who dont deserve their support

    like how are so many poor people voting for republicans who dont give them covid checks?

    are the poor aliens?

    and you know, maybe the dems should just concede abortion if thats the only thing thats keeping people from voting for them

    i know they got mad at obama for helping poor people have access to health care, but at this point why not try some tom foolery with abortion rights, federilly, and say its all states rights and if Arizona wants to say you cant have abortion there then we all chip in to fly women from AZ to CA to let them do with their bodies as they wish.

    meanwhile after a while millions of people just have no more excuse to support a party that the klan supports.

    are the klan aliens too?

    wouldnt that be spectacular if they were?

    it would make way better sense.

    cuz right now why would a white guy *hate* black people? we are the victims. shouldnt it be the other way around? blacks worked free for 400 years, why hate us?

    but if racists are aliens because in a galaxy far far away they got their ass beat by a planet of black folks who were mean to them, then yes i could understand. but this shit right here is confounding.

    ken and i talk about once a year because hes not a phone talker much neither, same as ben

    we’re just dudes who do our own thing and every blue moon

    which today was

    we’ll text first and say can i call you

    and the other guy will say is everything ok?

    and we’ll say, in this economy? ha!

    and then we’ll blab for a couple hours and be grateful of long friendships built in mutual admiration and it would have been a great podcast but fuckit some things are just right the way they are.

  3. Monday, October 14, 2019
  4. Monday, July 29, 2019

    it’ll be interesting to see how this day turns out 

    i have a life changing document i need to submit either today or tomorrow

    id like to do it today because tomorrows ambers only day off for the week

    and we are scheduled to hang out with my sister and her kids

    it’s 244pm and i really should reread all 10 pages, cut it down 30% and shock the world.

    then i need to mail an ebay sale i made.

    youd think those two things could be done before 420 but i am sooooo bad at mailing things it’s nuts

    and as for the life changing document, ive been procrastinating it this long

    because i was waiting on something else to happen but who knows if that will ever happen

    who knows about anything

    which is why you really should take life into your own hands

    be the captain of yr own destiny

    and just do the things you wanna do

    thats what my friends convinced me to do saturday night at 333am after the brothers steve show

    and because my friends are the greatest, i think i may follow their advice

  5. Sunday, April 28, 2019

    have i told you i have the greatest friends? i do. 

    And some of them have the greatest backyards where on special occasions we gather, sing songs and celebrate how lucky we are to know each other.

    Last night we showed love to the birthday boy Dylan Callaghan who serenaded us with originals and covers by The Lemonheads, Teenage Fanclub and many others.

    I don’t drink a lot of booze these days, but I’ve gotta say, because I knew it was gonna be a long, warm, beautiful night I did have a glass when I arrived. And maybe another after that, and maybe a third (!) soon after.

    I am such a sucker for a good red wine and Dylan and his wife had such a delicious spread of food, a bartender, and a wide assortment of people.

    I arrived at 9… left around 3.

    It’s hard to believe in luck. But I must say, of the things I am eternally grateful for, it is the people who I met in college who are such delightful people.

    We can talk about anything. They are all so smart and talented. Rarely do we focus on “the good old days” because we continue to have new good days.

    When they talk about their kids or their dogs or their jobs or their cars it’s almost always funny.

    We laugh and laugh at pretty much everything.

    And time flies on nights like last night the same way they did when we were beachside in Isla Vista.

    Thank you God for these people. Probably the biggest blessing in my life.

  6. Saturday, July 29, 2017

    she said come over here, i was all where 


    said under here

    i said underwear

    we were in the south of france in the rain on a farm

    in a barn

    outside the kids were playing in the pool

    little mint sprouts growing all around the edges

    i guess theres no chlorine in the pool to kill em

    maybe they aint got chlorine in france i thought

    poor french

    we gave em mcdonalds, spaghetti-o’s, 3D movies, and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, but somehow chlorine – which sounds french – didnt make it on the boat.

    it was 20 years ago.

    even then i felt old.

    thats the funny thing about life, you’re never really where you wanna be in life

    or the age you think you should be

    or in the car you think you should drive

    but for that week all was right.

    all was perfect.

    for that week the cows were the right ones

    the wine, the friends, the girl, the hair, and even though we were poor

    we all got on planes and jetted over seas in the summer to party hearty.

    because maybe all the time

    everythings more perfect than we think.

  7. Thursday, June 22, 2017

    you know someone respects you 

    and considers you their friend

    if they send you pics of their naked body covered in either



    stress rash

    sun rash

    BDSM bites

    and/or panic attacks.

    for some reason Mary thinks I’m a doctor.

    far as i know her man is a world renowned surgeon, but me she sends her gross pics to.

    but i’ll take it because i have nothing better to do than sit in bed with a differnt hot blonde doing gross google searches as the tv flickrs and the cats peek under the closed door and the wind


    and the trucks back up outside

    beep beep beep beep

    called my city representative yesterday.

    got his lackey.

    actually got the lackey’s assistant.

    that dude DID NOT want me to leave a message, but i convinced him to allow it anyways. i left a message.

    dude left ME a message the next day which was full of baloney.

    one thing i like about Mary is she isn’t full of baloney. at least not to me. which is something that i also consider respectful.

    when people feed me bs i consider it this:

    Tony, I know you’re not a dummy but i’m hoping on this one topic you are, so heres a ton of malarkey im gonna toss at you.

    because you probably are a dummy.

    but im not.

    i just dont know what causes rashes.

    and im secretly trying to find something – anything – else to look at in your nudes.

  8. Sunday, January 22, 2017

    today Ben got married 

    today LA’s favorite son, Ben Sullivan, founder of ScienceBlog.com, soup kitchen hander outer, and all around great guy, got married to equally wonderful Soomi.

    a few weeks ago they took me out to dinner and asked me if i would “speak” at the pre-wedding celebration which was held last night in Kim n Os’s backyard of children and swimming pools. they said i would be the MC of the event which would also include live music from our friends, delicious tacos, and so much booze and friends from literally around the world.

    it was a super special night. the Lord kept the rain from coming down and inspired me to write something that everyone said was good. It was both a tough crowd because they are all amazingly talented writers and an easy crowd because they had been drinking for a good hour before i got the Mr. Microphone.

    here’s a transcript of my sermon/speech/toast thing

    Love love love love love
    All you need is love
    Love is a battlefield
    Love is an elevator
    There’s ups, theres downs. The doors slide open to a new floor, you roam around and you get lost on it. Alone.
    But if you’re lucky either a door opens or you have the courage to knock on one.
    And magic happens.  Love!
    And changes everything.
    You can’t sleep, theres a skip in your step, you’re suddenly singing along to the radio.
    Your fruit punch soda tastes bubblier
    Your burritos taste guacamolier.
    Even the birds in the trees and the barking dogs in the alley seem to be saying fuck yeah buddies.
    Fuck yeah.
    We are in this beautiful backyard tonight to celebrate the bubblier fruit punch soda that is Soomi and Ben.
    We are the birds in the trees who will always be around them as more than just witnesses — but as supporters
    And inspiration, and quiet protection for their special union.
    Not that it’s needed, but because we love them and are inspired ourselves.
    Soomi comes to us from Jin Hay Goo, South Korea in the Dirty South Eastern part of the proud country.
    Jin Hay is known for it’s 10-day Blossom Festival in the Spring when all the pretty girls of town go out to the square with cute little bouquets of blossoms and call out
    Which, weirdly, is Korean for Tony.
    Recently the neighboring cities of Changwon and Masan joined Jin Hay to make a bigger, stronger city
    and in a way that’s whats happening here.
    Benjamin J. Sullivan was born in Staten Island, NY
    true story
    He came to California to sing for Guns n Roses but when he saw Axl in person he was all ok all right.
    But he continued his love of music.
    The other day I asked Ben if there was any song that reminded him of his fiancee? He said Either Cindy Laupler’s True Colors or Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
    He continued:
    Which coincidentally both involve colors. Which may be because “the world before Soomi went from a perfectly acceptable but somewhat muted sepiatone to one that is so much richer and bright, and, well, what’s the synonym for colorful? Whatever it is: that.”
    A few days after that I asked Soomi when did she first have the hots for Ben?
    She said on their third date – somebody was counting – they went to a dinner theater. Dinner Theater? BEN!
    But it was very funny, reportedly, and she was laughing and he was laughing and she looked at him and saw his eyes wrinkled and thought it was adorable.
    Ben says that the thing he loves most about Soomi is her “open heart to others.
    “Those who obviously need it, like the lonely neighbor, or men and women on Skid Row, or the less obvious who need it but whom she can just tell.”
    We all know Ben also has a huge heart, the longtime president of the nicest guy in america competition,
    Soomi says she fell for Ben in an unusual but beautiful way.
    “I sent him a paper my friend had just published on the economics of microbial trade.”
    I had to Google it too. It broke Google.
    But Soomi said, “Ben wrote me back and said ‘when you send me things like this it makes me recognize that I’m more than a little bit in love with you.”
    And she said at that point she couldn’t deny that she was in love with him too.
    Last August they were on vacation. They were going to a fancy seafood restaurant in Carlsbad.
    Soomi said, “He insisted on putting on a coat. When we left the hotel, he was obviously so nervous that he could not make any eye contact with me. So I knew it was probably coming, so I thought I would stay cool up until the time comes.”
    But when he popped the question she was totally overwhelmed.
    Here’s to their champagne always tasting bubblier.
  9. Thursday, November 24, 2016

    do i have anything to be thankful for? i do. 


    starting with you, my family, and friends,


    and all the great food we get to enjoy.

    cubs world series ring

    the Cubs of course especially Theo Epstein and the brewers of Old Style Beer.

    old style

    I am thankful for my health, and the health of Emily Ratajkowski.


    I am thankful for my great job,


    my side hustle,

    when uber was fun

    and high speed internet. I am thankful for my cats even though they are super weird and pretty much ungrateful and entitled.


    I’m thankful for my khaleesi


    and all my Uber and Lyft passengers who all want to take selfies with me for some reason.

    obey peace

    I am thankful for the Obey sample sale, Howard Stern, Baba Booey, Fred, Sour Shoes,

    howard stern and beth stern

    Fat Artie, and Robin’s health. I am thankful for the Internet, all my past and future loves.


    I am thankful for German engineering, Mike Tyson,

    xbi mobile in dtla next to mike tyson

    and all my high school friends who have now had their dreams come true


    – thanks to the Cubs, Theo and the brewers of Old Style.



    I’m thankful for Taylor Swift, Rihanna, cheap gas, Anna Kournikova,


    Charles Bukowski, Iceberg Slim, the Truest,

    kanye smiling bc he's happy

    and I pray for good health for Kanye West.

    springsteen on the sunset strip

    I’m grateful for Little Armenia, Hollywood Blvd., and Sunset Blvd where the freaks come out.

    obama trump

    I am thankful for my president, Canadian McDonalds,

    the pants

    all of the jobs of my past, the voters of California who made weed legal,

    isla vista

    Isla Vista, rock music,


    hippie friends

    my college friends who continue to rock, the Hollywood Bowl,

    sass and her friend in my crib

    Canadians who move to Cali,

    bono and friends

    the readers of the busblog, the moon,


    my favorite book The Bible, KFC $5 Fillups,

    shortsop tyler

    left handed leadoff hitting shortstops who happen to be my nephew,

    jeff solomon lincoln

    and President Abraham Solomon

  10. Thursday, September 22, 2016

    have i told you i have the greatest friends? 

    14358886_10154511586878057_7270332091119793027_nlast night a handful of my friends from high school met me at Wrigley Field for my annual pilgrimage to the Friendly Confines.

    i was very fortunate in high school that i knew so many cool people and it was great to be reunited with them, a couple of whom i have only seen a few times in the last 20 years.

    the day began with thunderstorms and rain – two things this Los Angeleno hasn’t experienced in nearly 20 years and i didnt know how to handle it.

    but the midwest is a wild place, thunderstorms in the morning and afternoon doesnt necessarily mean a night game rain out. in fact last night it meant just the opposite: beautiful weather, clear skys, clean streets, green grass, gorgeous ivy, and memorable times with friends who have always remained in my heart.

    my mom drove me to monica and her hunky husband’s amazing dream home. patrick is a master with iron and monica’s dad is a talented and skilled contractor who used to build stairs in their summer home that lead to nowhere for fun.

    i imagine that once his oldest daughter owned her own home he was thrilled to use his master craftsmanship and love for her in beautiful ways, and i gotta say, i have been in some o the coolest homes in LA, and Herr Troesken blows them away.

    also i loved that nearly everywhere i looked in the home were Cubs memorabilia on walls, atop tables and even as nightlights.

    patrick drove through the rush hour traffic and monica and i gabbed like two ladies at the hair dressers.

    when we arrived at Wrigleyville we took a stroll around all the new development which gave me mixed emotions because they sure are building up the place that used to be quaint and authentic and old school, almost like lalala oh theres a baseball stadium right in the middle of town? look at that!

    soon it will look more like oh theres a city surrounding the baseball complex? weird.


    after several beers, pulled pork sandwhiches, wine, and trips to various bars we all met at the Harry Caray statue and congregated in the Left Field bleachers. thanks to the rain a lot of the fair weather fans stayed home which meant there was plenty of room for our large group to move around and do our thing in about the fourth and fifth row.


    Bob, the real MVP of the night, bought the tickets for us, and even made tshirts to celebrate the evening. he is my oldest friend, i first met him my first day of Kindergarten and even though we havent lived in the same time zone for quite a while, i will never forget sitting in the left field bleachers when we were in junior high along with our other grade school pal Todd  – and later our high school bud Keith. Hopefully the next time we are all at Wrigley those General Managers can come too.

    laura julie and monica

    other MVPs include high school friends Laura and Julie who took the train from the far out in the sticks to join us. Laura is a school teacher and librarian who invited me to teach her class next September which i gladly accepted. and Julie is one of the few remaining cattle farmers of Northern Illinois and one of my closest friends from school. She told me she made a binder of all the notes I passed her in school which she saved for when I get famous. I apologized for letting her down, although now I’m very curious about those notes because that was basically the Genesis for the busblog.

    Of the friends who i knew in school, these three ladies probably account for 75% of what influenced me in my juvenilia. all i ever wanted to do was impress and entertain them, and i usually did it through my body building and short story writing. so what a joy it was to reunite with them after all these years. AND AT MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD!


    because you should always have special guests, also in attendance was my LAist News Editor, Andy Sternberg, who moved from the sandy beaches of Venice to the North Side of Chicago so he could walk to Cubs games to experience this magical season. it was awesome to chill with he and his lovely new lady – who is also a big cubs fan, so i approved.


    i felt a little sad for Monica’s hubby Patrick who had to hear all our old high school war stories, but he seemed ok with it all. what a trooper. i forgot to tell him i wanted his Cubs shirt. But I am glad I didn’t because he would have probably taken it off his back for me.

    Speaking of, you can no longer go topless at Wrigley, which disturbed me, so I took off my shirt (not pictured) and plan to take it off again at my next visit because come on man.


    also in attendance was this fun couple who we didn’t know but who had the sad misfortune of sitting next to us. Because Bob is the Ambassador of Fun, not only did he become friends with them immediately but they taught him a game-long Cub Cup gambling game which I immediately jumped in on. they nick-named me Hollywood – which was apropos since i funded most of the pretty girls’ winnings with very little to show for it afterwards.

    Cubs won, new friends were made and I even met two Mexican young ladies who overheard me talk trash about San Diego, but it led to them giving me their numbers as they told me about their relative’s Carnitas joint on West Cermak.

    so see, people really do win on MTV.