nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 14, 2017

    this is a real place on a real day now, here 

    you are a real person, living in this real place, and just as beautiful.

    your mom carried you around in her belly, she fed you before you were born.

    she took care of you after and after and after and after

    all the wise men traveled to see you, the cows mooed and the donkeys said hi

    above the angels cooed, the stars twinkled and the clouds parted so we could all see better

    not because you were capable of magic

    but because you just being here, all by itself is a reflection of the best magic of all

    the miracle of life.

    when your jeans rip or you slip on ice or lose your phone on a snowy day

    it’s ok

    because those wise men are still bearing gifts, the angels are still in awe

    and the good Lord is still bragging, quietly to himself, saying

    look what I made.

    and smiling.

  2. Wednesday, May 13, 2015

    do you pray? 

    me and amber last summer do you get on your knees every night after you brush your teeth and floss?

    do you say dear Lord please bless mommy and daddy and mama dugas and papa dugas?

    do you say thank for letting the Cubs win today, thanks for letting me have a good day?

    thanks for letting me drive that crazy dude all the way to hermosa at 2.3 surge

    and thanks for letting me live in a beautiful place where theres a guy selling tacos next to a gas station?

    do you then say the our father and sometimes lose your place because your mind wanders?

    and then do you say ok and please bless ilka and mary and the truest and jeanine?

    because if you do also say

    and also bless amber, whereever she is because shes a sweet girl who deserves good things

    please show her the way and take care of her and be extra nice to her because she helped show the way to jeanine

    and that was priceless.

    and then say the our father again and if you want the Hail Mary.

    full of grace

    the Lord is with thee.

    there are good people in the world who should have good things happen to them.

    and amber is def one of those people.

    so please merciful God please shine a warm light on her and

    do all the cool things we all know are possible.

    in Jesus’s name.


  3. Thursday, May 22, 2014

    Best thing I’ve read on tumblr. 


    Professor :You are a Christian, aren’t you, son?
    Student :Yes, sir.
    Professor:So, you believe in GOD?
    Student :Absolutely, sir.
    Professor :Is GOD good?
    Student :Sure.
    Professor:Is GOD all powerful?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

    (Student was silent.)

    Professor:You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:Is satan good?
    Student :No.
    Professor:Where does satan come from?
    Student :From … GOD …
    Professor:That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
    Student :Yes
    Professor:So who created evil ?

    (Student did not answer.)

    Professor:Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
    Student :Yes, sir.
    Professor:So, who created them ?

    (Student had no answer.)

    Professor:Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?
    Student :No, sir.
    Professor:Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
    Student :No , sir.
    Professor:Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smell your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?
    Student :No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
    Professor:Yet you still believe in Him?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor :According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
    Student :Nothing. I only have my faith.
    Professor:Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

    madonna and katy perry

    Student :Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
    Student :And is there such a thing as cold?
    Student :No, sir. There isn’t.

    (The lecture theatre became very quiet with this turn of events.)

    Student :Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

    (There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

    Student :What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
    Professor:Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
    Student :You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
    Professor:So what is the point you are making, young man?
    Student :Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
    Professor:Flawed ? Can you explain how?
    Student :Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
    Professor:If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
    Student :Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

    (The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

    Student :Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

    (The class was in uproar.)

    Student :Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

    (The class broke out into laughter.)

    Student :Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

    (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

    Professor:I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.
    Student :That is it sir… Exactly ! The link between man and GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

    That student was Madonna

  4. Monday, July 1, 2013

    etienne update: light some candles 

    etienne and uva the word from the angels above are they are getting some of your prayers

    but they havent gotten all of them.

    etienne is sicker than when we first posted that shes sick,

    now it appears perhaps the root of the evil is in her bladder.

    which is odd because she doesnt drink that much. and all she eats are tomatoes and onions.

    and occasionally poutine, when shes in canada.

    her bladder should be pristine: like your soul.

    so do Canada a favor on Canada Day and say a quick little prayer for Uva’s momma

    something along the lines of: please get that terrible mysterious illness out of Etienne’s body so she can go back to writing screenplays and reporting for Canadas finest news agency.

    shes a very good girl and we are all better when shes better.


  5. Sunday, March 31, 2013
  6. Wednesday, March 27, 2013
  7. Friday, September 14, 2012

    its friday, which means ask tony. today’s comes from steve 

    nothing beats a good spit

    who asks,

    a taxi was turning on a yellow, and a person goes running across the street without looking and the taxi swerved not to hit the person and almost crashed into a bank and for 5 years there has been a man with one leg begging in front of the bank and the taxi stopped maybe 2 feet DIRECTLY IN FRONT of the guy with one leg.

    close call.

    did god intervene? is that what he does?

    or does he just concentrate on making the delicious cuban food i just ate for lunch?

    please tell.

    great question!

    even though there is Divine Intervention, the Lord prefers Free Will.

    He doesnt care if we live 1 year or .5 years or 105 years – theres so many of us, and life on Earth is so fleeting, He really sees all of this as a blink in His eye anyways in the grand scheme of things, so no He’s not running around stopping busses from hitting homeless beggars.

    however the Angels do like to meddle. the best parts of the Old Testament are all the ways the angels act as go-betweens between God and Man.

    the problem is Man was basically meh to not just the angels, but also when God walked with us.

    so eventually even the angels mellowed out on intervening with us.

    my guess is the angels didn’t stop the bus.

    my guess is the beggar is an angel.

    dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn.

  8. Thursday, August 30, 2012
  9. Wednesday, July 11, 2012

    tinted windows dont mean nothin they know who’s inside 


    omg was that a crazy day or what. so many ups n downs.

    a few super low lows and a quite a few really high highs.

    as as libra they say that we just want the smooth mellow middles

    but i gotta say sometimes – ESPECIALLY WHEN IT ENDS NICE – its ok to have highs n lows.

    lets talk about the highs: all of them: they were so sweet

    people are so sweet to me. i forget that that is bound to happen sometimes, but is is somehow!

    also, i got to meet, talk with, and then live tweet skateboard hero Christian Hosoi

    who was Tony Hawks biggest rival for a while, and beat him, and all was well

    even all the drug taking and boozing, etc, until he got caught up in Crystal Meth.

    and then he got popped at the airport with drugs and did time in prison. years!

    but right away he got it about the bible. like super got it. like omg got it.

    we talked about Romans for a quick minute, which was odd cuz i just finished it.

    and i said, dude Romans ruled and you should relate cuz Paul (the narrator of Romans) was in jail too.

    Christian Hosoi didnt even blink, he was all hell yeah .

    im gonna go to Christian’s church on Sunday. im sold. dude was so inspirational.

    he just kept going last night as if he was filled with the holy ghost just that day!

    it was a wonder. everything he said just flowed out and it was awesome.

    no stuttering, no forgetting of words, no ums or omgs nothing but pure focused laser power.

    it was hard to keep up.

    afterwards i went to sushi with karisa and we kept it real with each other

    which isnt something we always do, but we gave each other permission to bring it and it was broughten

    and it was nice. it resolved perfectly. we both got to say some tough things

    and in the end everything worked out exactly how it should and it was nice nice nice.

    im still the luckiest man alive. somehow. oddly. weirdly. unpredictably.

    and so gratefully.

  10. Sunday, May 20, 2012

    thirty minute church 

    is life good when i was in vegas an angel appeared to me

    and began speaking in tongues.

    at first i thought it was to celebrate david byrne’s 60th birthday but the holy ghost dont play.

    so i listened. carefully.

    ive been visited a few times in my long life and every time the themes are the same:

    1) who’s that girl 2) stop doing dumb stuff 3) spread the word

    so me and the angel started brainstorming number three because come on baby

    the angel kept saying you need to build a hipster church and i was all f hipsters

    which at first made the angel frown

    but then she cracked a smile and gave me a low five.

    then i said lets talk about all the reasons good people dont go to church

    its boring, its phony baloney, it makes some people feel bad, you gotta dress up, the music sucks, the dudes on stage are cruddy, no one keeps it real, it doesnt apply to real life, and its too long.

    so i was all, what if we made a church called 30 minute church?

    angel was like, go on…

    and it started off with some kick ass gospel

    loud as hell

    (heavens loud too the angel alerted me)

    and the music is beautiful and powerful and it lets the whole block know theres some damn church goin on right hurrr.

    and then something surprising happens for 6 minutes. not a preacher. not me. not a little kid struggling to remember what he was opposed to say. but something very cool.

    now theres 20 minutes left. and you know the last 5 minutes is more awesome music. like maybe green day is setting up. or rihanna unplugged. something. so you really only have 15 minutes.

    most people cant stand more than 5 minutes of bible reading, so maybe right after the super cool six, theres 4 minutes and 20 seconds of bible reading.

    but done right.

    plenty of actors struggling in LA and comedians. one of them gets a shot at 30 minute church every sunday. right after the awesome. 4 minutes of the bible presented perfectly.

    so now theres nine minutes. half goes to Question Time. theres a monk and a rabbi and a lady bible expert.

    clergy gets to ask questions. and the panel has to answer them honestly or they dont get invited back next week.

    that goes on for 5 minutes. which means theres 4 minutes left. thats where i come in. i have a little Q & A with someone in front of everyone.

    we talk about spirituality. love. god. peace. the bible.

    in a real way.

    then i’ll say, and now, green day.