nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, May 20, 2012

    thirty minute church 

    is life good when i was in vegas an angel appeared to me

    and began speaking in tongues.

    at first i thought it was to celebrate david byrne’s 60th birthday but the holy ghost dont play.

    so i listened. carefully.

    ive been visited a few times in my long life and every time the themes are the same:

    1) who’s that girl 2) stop doing dumb stuff 3) spread the word

    so me and the angel started brainstorming number three because come on baby

    the angel kept saying you need to build a hipster church and i was all f hipsters

    which at first made the angel frown

    but then she cracked a smile and gave me a low five.

    then i said lets talk about all the reasons good people dont go to church

    its boring, its phony baloney, it makes some people feel bad, you gotta dress up, the music sucks, the dudes on stage are cruddy, no one keeps it real, it doesnt apply to real life, and its too long.

    so i was all, what if we made a church called 30 minute church?

    angel was like, go on…

    and it started off with some kick ass gospel

    loud as hell

    (heavens loud too the angel alerted me)

    and the music is beautiful and powerful and it lets the whole block know theres some damn church goin on right hurrr.

    and then something surprising happens for 6 minutes. not a preacher. not me. not a little kid struggling to remember what he was opposed to say. but something very cool.

    now theres 20 minutes left. and you know the last 5 minutes is more awesome music. like maybe green day is setting up. or rihanna unplugged. something. so you really only have 15 minutes.

    most people cant stand more than 5 minutes of bible reading, so maybe right after the super cool six, theres 4 minutes and 20 seconds of bible reading.

    but done right.

    plenty of actors struggling in LA and comedians. one of them gets a shot at 30 minute church every sunday. right after the awesome. 4 minutes of the bible presented perfectly.

    so now theres nine minutes. half goes to Question Time. theres a monk and a rabbi and a lady bible expert.

    clergy gets to ask questions. and the panel has to answer them honestly or they dont get invited back next week.

    that goes on for 5 minutes. which means theres 4 minutes left. thats where i come in. i have a little Q & A with someone in front of everyone.

    we talk about spirituality. love. god. peace. the bible.

    in a real way.

    then i’ll say, and now, green day.

  2. Wednesday, May 9, 2012

    why the bible is probably pro gay marriage 

    the good book, just like any book, should be read in its entirety.

    otherwise it seems cray.

    many Christians feel that being gay is a sin and they point to the bible as support. unfortunately many don’t look at the breadth of all the different types of things that are considered sinful in the bible. and often they will ignore sins they commit. (which is unfortunate, and also a sin.)

    yes there were parts in the beginning of the bible that seemed to be all omg about gay people

    but three sentences earlier it was also omg about having sex with a menstruating woman

    the next page goes over more of Moses’ law including:

    You shall not eat any flesh with the blood in it.
    You shall not interpret omens or tell fortunes.
    You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.
    You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves.

    so people who eat rare steak, fortune tellers, people who cut their hair and shave, and people with tattoos – according to the bible – have sinned just like people who have sex with women during that special time,

    and gay people.

    but again, i say you have to read the entire book to fully get the context.

    because later in the book Jesus shows up and says omg you people have sinned so much you cant even begin to pay for all of your sin, thus I will pay for your sins

    and not just the weird obscure ones but, all of the sins.

    and on his way out Jesus modifies some of the laws of Moses but then finally doles out one last one

    as a sort of you know what, you people truly cray, you disobeyed everything anyone has ever told you to do

    from dont eat the apple to dont kill anyone, so heres a simple one for you simple people:

    Love each other as I have loved you.

    and to put his special seal on it, Jesus says that if we do this then everyone will know that the super nice people are the Christians.

    to quote specifically he says “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

    now as a child of a divorce, i have complicated feelings about marriage.

    but as a Christian who loves the gospel i don’t see any clearer direction in John other than obey Jesus’s final commandment.

    which i think that alleged muslim Obama, perhaps to the peril of his political career, just busted

    like a boss.

  3. Thursday, May 3, 2012

    i get scared 

    goose bumpsit’s how i know im not dead.

    i have a feeling one of two things happens

    when we die

    either we turn into worm food and get recycled

    or we go to Heaven and party hearty.

    something tells me that if theres an awesome kickass

    omniscient being,

    capable of creating gravity

    and waterfalls

    and rainbows

    and bootyshorts

    He’s not going to bother himself with some sort of

    medieval Hell

    to punish people

    for eternity.

    i think he’d just recycle the wicked.

    therefore i know im still alive when im freaked out.

    in a strange way it’s a good feeling

    to feel my heart beat

    the hairs to rise on my neck

    and goosebumps to appear

    on her legs.

    in LA.

    as summer stretches and yawns across may

  4. Sunday, April 29, 2012
  5. Sunday, April 8, 2012

    why its ok to transition 

    “I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.
    But if it dies, it bears much fruit.”

    – John 12:24

  6. Monday, March 5, 2012

    life is super cray 

    it dont matter if youre poor or rich
    blonde or brunette
    famous or internet famous
    or not even popular in your own room.

    life be cray.

    pretty much even if youre God its that way.

    God was all, yo adam heres a naked lady for you,
    only thing i ask is you two dont eat from that one tree
    next thing you know theyre listening to a snake
    and nom nom whoops.

    and even kids know that story still we run out to be
    or smart
    or funny
    or wonderful

    as if

    meanwhile we forget that even for God Above
    life so cray
    that he flooded this place outta frustration
    and hardly anyone believes in him
    or trusts him enough to read the only book he left behind.

    whose theme is pretty much:

    life is cray
    don’t panic

  7. Wednesday, February 22, 2012

    this photo is in the public domain 

    el farolito

    but isnt any photo you see on the web in the public domain?

    i know, not legally, but what a weird law: the thing right in front of you is not in the public domain

    people always wanna make money. plus they wanna pretend theyre christians

    yet jesus was pretty clear about money: its for suckers.

    consider the lilies of the field, he’d say.

    render unto caesar whats caesar’s, he’d suggest.

    the first will be last and the last will be first he’d say.

    its easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle that it is to get a rich man into heaven

    he warned.

    and yet these so called christian politicians

    refuse to raise taxes on the rich.

    dont they want em in heaven or something?

  8. Saturday, February 4, 2012

    we want you to try new things 

    its why we’re still here.

    its why Seinfeld was canceled.

    we want you to try new things.

    its why there are so many Crayolas

    its why there are so many people

    its why the caged bird things.

    its why the world spins.

    authority figures say freedom this and freedom that

    but have you noticed theyre also the ones who say loudest stop that

    but life says start it. life says heres the seed. heres the sun. heres the spark

    now run.

    god says if you run fast enough you’ll fly. science too.

    but gravity and the naysayers and everyone with veto power believe its their job to say no.

    the correct answer is yes. the truth is in order to survive we must adapt.

    in order to progress we must stop eating lead paint chips.

    what are the lead paint chips in your life.

    mine are the voices in my head that say you cant, you must not, you should not

    or you’ll die.

    she’ll break up with you.

    you’ll be fired.

    they wont love you any more.

    even though the good book says consider the lilies of the field

    they just sit there and god takes care of them

    so imagine how much he wants you to blow the roof off this sucker.

    so rock.

    if for any reason, out of principle.

    and because you can.

  9. Tuesday, January 31, 2012

    do you believe in whatever they call it? 

    pierce cheerleader

    found myself in a community center last night.
    first time id been in a community center in quite a while.
    saw a few homeless people in there.
    there were all these loaves of bread on a table, i suspect for the poor.
    there was also a group of senior citizens reading something.
    and in a separate room there appeared to be a 12 step program going on.
    out front there was a tv on and two gentlemen watching the Clippers pre game show
    meanwhile there was another room for playing pool.
    nobody was playing pool, but one guy was in there eating bread
    next to a chalk board that said
    good players / really bad players

    in our room there were dozens of people signing up for a softball league.

    the community was really truly absolutely in that center.

    i didnt wanna leave.

    people say this and that about California, especially southern california

    but ive noticed that most places are pretty much the same:
    7-11s, mcdonalds, grocery stores
    and people just trying to make it
    trying to get it together or keep it together.
    most of them are nice.
    the others, the bible says love em too.
    why not says john the baptist.
    with his hair shirt
    eating bees
    shufflin before his crazy head gets chopped off.

    Jesus totally super loved john the baptist
    and that didnt end all that well
    unless you dont believe that thats when it really ended.