amber wanted to go to the movies so we went to the movies

traffic was bad, issues occurred, it was crowded, but the thing was i was comfortable


because i was dressed up as a guy in his pajamas and robe and slippers who was with a sexy lady.

amber was the sexy lady.

she had a slinky dress, clear heels, and this fuzz faux fur i got her in vegas.

we went to universal city walk because amber suspected that people would be dressed up there

and she was right.

and there were kids, some of whom did not speak english or who were scared of me

because i also smelled like i had gotten high in the car upon entering the joint

which may or may not be extremely true

we were early so we had time to stroll about and we passed this michael myers guy

and then the super cheesy angel wings that have been all around the city for years now

so of course they have one at this tourist trap

and i saw michael was just roaming around so i circled back

and asked him if he would pose for a picture

he grunted. walked over to it. waited his turn. and click.

and when i asked him if he wanted me to text him a copy

he just fist bumped me.

and they were haggard



then he was gone into the shadows.


Dear Tony, What would you suggest as a solution to over-policing of Halloween in I.V?

snoop dogg with guests at the mtv vmasJustin asks: What would you suggest as a solution to over-policing? The problem is not unique to IV, students have always been treated with less respect and take advantage of by law enforcement or even the school

1. Challenge any and all “ordinances” that are applied to IV that are not applied to any other part of SB County. Cops can’t punish you for shit you haven’t done yet. That is what a 6pm noise ordinance is. Challenge it in the papers. Shoot video of you interviewing the sheriff asking him how it’s constitutional and why it’s not happening in his neighborhood. Find out who wrote this ordinance and who voted for it. Wear their faces on tshirts. Name dirt fields after them. Create drinking games in their honor. And then call in the ACLU and Matt Welch’s Reason Magazine as they are the defenders of freedom. You are not powerless.

2. Peaceful organized protests where you invite the media and get arrested. The real media like CNN, Los Angeles Times and  KCRW. A college town isn’t allowed to play music on a weekend after 6pm? How many times do they have to re-make Footloose (1984) till someone calls bullshit loudly and clearly? If everyone carries a boom box and marches around Isla Vista protesting the ban on music after a certain time and cute boys and girls like you are sent, one-by-one into an overflowing SB county jail BECAUSE OF LOUD PLAYING MOZART (seriously, Mozart, the papers will eat it up), the ordinance will be overturned.

3. After you attend a Halloween concert at the Thunderdome by an artist first known for rapping about killing an undercover cop, and made internationally famous for singing about smoking weed and being a pimp, and then arrived at the MTV music video awards in 2003 holding dog leashes attached to two women: realize that the lifestyle that you should be fighting for is tame in comparison to Snoop’s, a man who has shown that you, too, can live the life that you want to live and you too can be successful for BEING YOURSELF.  Snoop D-O-double G told you about his life for an hour, you sang along, and then you marched quietly to your overpriced and overcrowded apartment and bowed down to those who love to oppress you. Be inspired by the music you listen to, don’t let it tame you!

4. Ask the cops in the paper, on video, and whenever you see them on the streets “how can LA have several hundred thousand people march down Santa Monica Blvd on Halloween night, drinking, smoking, and carrying on, and there are only 3 arrests; yet when a paltry 500 walk around DP there are 28 arrests? WHY ARE YOU TARGETING ANYONE YOU CAN IN IV? ARENT YOU JUST FALSELY JUSTIFYING YOUR OUTRAGEOUS NUMBER OF OFFICERS?

5. Only wear SB Sheriff’s uniforms as costumes next Halloween, next weekend, and  at any mass party that you organize. Add a floppy dildo as a garnish. You are college kids. Fucking act like it! I pity the cop who decides he’s going to arrest thousands of students for dressing up as The Out Of Towners that are actually ruining the IV scene.

6. That student-run radio station that is never used properly: KCSB-FM 91.9 in Santa Barbara. Every Friday night make them play that ridiculous robot music that you kids love more than real rock, the kind St. Cobain gave his life for. Stream KCSB through your iphones and listen to it on your Beats headphones and DANCE IN THE FUCKING STREETS. This sends a royal fuck you to the illegal noise ordinance and you get to do the one thing you’re not going to do in your 30s: get laid after dancing. Invite the media to film the Quietest Block Party in America. And when the cute reporter sticks a mic in your face say, “we’d prefer to dance like every other free person in America, but [name the people who voted for and wrote the noise ordinance] passed laws that prevent us from listening to music in our own homes. We are not criminals. We are Americans who want to boogie.” And then put on your sad, brightly colored overpriced headphones and shake your ass.

7. Start rock bands. This Halloween has proven that you are all too soft and coddled. Too many of your parents attended your little league games and dance recitals. And none of you can play guitar. This must change. Rock and roll will save your soul and trust me, your souls need saving. Learn the three chords and the truth. Once you have mastered the peaceful protests  and everyone is in a band, the day the ordinance falls every band needs to play on every block in Isla Vista. Because America.

8. CHALLENGE EVERYTHING STUPID THAT LIMITS YOUR FREEDOMS GOING FORWARD. IF THEY DONT DO IT TO PEOPLE IN MONTECITO THEY SHOULDNT DO IT TO YOU. CHALLENGE IT IN THE NEWSPAPERS YOU RUN. CHALLENGE  IT ONLINE, ON SNAPCHAT, ON PERISCOPE, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, AND IN THE STREETS. Clearly no one else is doing it for you. Good! Do it yourself. And the power of the pen is still the mightiest weapon of them all. The pen is now also the phone. Use it or lose it!

500 people walked around Isla Vista on Halloween on Saturday

isla vista halloween 2015

dear students of ucsb

no one forced you to go to the greatest party school in the world.

you coulda gone to cal poly. you coulda applied at long beach state.

dont laugh, they have a fucking pyramid at long beach state.

instead you chose UCSB. U Can Study Buzzed.

and on top of that you paid much money to live in Isla Vista. greatest town there ever was.

it’s great because it’s close to the beach, everybody’s beautiful, and the best parties are thrown there. legendary ones that cant even be mentioned because words are just dumb sounds compared to what goes down on dp, sabado, trigo and the others.

103015-Isla-Vista-Halloween-2_mefrats are a joke, but especially so in 93117 because besides the town being super fun, the people who go to school there wisely reject the idea that you have to buy your friends and lose your individuality in a bizarre struggle of forced acceptance.

fuck. that. shit with a 6 foot beer bong hanging from a rickety balcony.

you have your entire life to be a boring disgusting sellout

terrified of offending this one or that one.

you will have decades upon decades to dress like a bozo and say yes to things that inside you dont agree with one bit.

but when you’re in college you get to lose yourself while you find out who you are.

it’s the expansion and contraction of the universe. and the universe is you.

you get to grow your hair like you want, kiss who you want, dance like you want, think all the things youve never thought before, be in bands, try new clubs, eat new foods, meet new people

and best of all dress up as something obnoxious, slutty or hilarious and walk down isla vista’s main street with your friends on Halloween

and laugh and laugh and laugh.

and laugh.

unless you totally fuck up and forget you’re free.

you live in america, fellow gauchos, the land of the free and the home of the brave.

it is not brave to sit back and let the so called law tell you you cant play music after a certain hour.

it is not brave to watch cops year after year come in to your town and treat you like youre some criminal, like you did something horribly wrong, like you are some slimy kid with no rights or lesser rights or temporary rights

sheriffsyou have exactly the same rights as anyone else in this whole country.

for example you have the same rights as the 100,000 people who came to West Hollywood on Halloween and dressed up and laughed and drank and smoke and made out and, you know fucking had a Halloween.

three people were arrested in West Hollywood during the biggest bash in all of LA saturday night.

28 people were arrested in Isla Vista despite only 500 of you walking around town.

how is that possible?

it’s possible because you are allowing it to be possible.

it is possible because you are listening to the losers who tell you bullshit like “it is what it is”

we’d be speaking french german or spanish if this country believed in “it is what it is” and thank God above we dont.

we are americans, we are gauchos, and we are free.

trust me, there will be more than enough opportunity for you to bend over to fear and take it and pretend it isnt totally humiliating

for this brief period of your youth, i beg you,


sure, some of you may die.

but right now, hardly any of you are living.

sometimes i think im doing it wrong

fuk me fuk ui’ll see some old pictures of past loves or jobs or cars or situations

and i’ll say i wonder if i shoulda put up with their bs a little longer

i wonder if i shoulda done that one thing different

if only i had just not have said a word

what if you had just said fine.

and then i think of the other times, after that when i did


to be someone other than me.

if you’re bowling and the ball is veering to the left, you set up a little to the right

and sometimes if everyones not happy and smiling

you change it up a bit and see what happens.

what has happened is life has happened, the way its supposed to be

and the reason we are who we are is we


changed it up a little, naturally, due to the circumstances where we came from.

it’s crazy to call an audible for the sole reason of acceptance.

the purpose of the game is to play the game, not to be loved.

only god loves you. and your mom.

everything else is: well, he wont kill me or

damn she might kill me one day.

i take it all back: play the game the way you got to the game

if youre constantly calling audibles, fine. but figure out why.

do you really know the right move at the last second or are you just panicking.

odds are i made the right moves.

odds are you will too.

floor it and enjoy the ride.

this weekend was the busiest ive ever encountered as a driver


these people threw around the N-word like it was no big deal

and then the girl behind me asked me for my phone number

but the best was when the girl next to me said she likes to hook up with Uggs

i said who?

she said, ugly guys.

she said they treat her better


these nice people went to a hip hop show in echo park and wanted me to take them to Boyle Heights

i was all, hell yeah, why not, who cares


Duff Man and his girl were sweet. for some reason they parked over by the Hollywood Bowl and asked me to drive them to The Abbey in WeHo

everyone wanted to go to the Abbey in WeHo.

these two are from the LBC though and I was all, mmmmm ok?


one of these guys was into guys and said he showed a guy his schween at the party i picked them up at

and said he was a show-er, not a grow-er

and for once in my life i had no witty comeback


hollywood blvd is my favorite place in the whole world next to wrigley field and las vegas

and it was beautifuler than normal i just wanted to hug everyone.


bree olson, famous movie star, and former charlie sheen goddess was so sweet and pretty

after i dropped her off my mom called and i said ma i picked up a porn star!

my mom asked, you watch porn?

i said, for science.


this lady is a lawyer.

suddenly halloween is my favorite holiday of all.

bree was all, what should i be? i said, how about Nikki Sixx from the Crüe?

nikki sixxshe was all, omg thats a perfect idea.

a few hours later she said well i have everything down perfect except for the wig

i said show me what youve got.

a few hours later she sent me this and i was all, omg you nailed it.

which brings me to reason number 2347895347890 i wish babes would stop having sex with EDM djs: no one is gonna dress up like Flying Lotus in 20 years

or Swedish House Mafia

or Skrillex.

Maybe that dude with the mickey mouse ears but only if he was looking to get beat up.

rock n roll, especially hair metal, has it all: the guitar solos, the crazy outfits, and the hair so killer you cant even get a wig that matches it.

do i play EDM in my Uber?

who asked you!??!?!

last night the cats and i watched Lone Survivor.

as Marky Mark’s comrades kept getting shot i turned to the cats and said

i guess he’s gonna be the Lone Survivor.

then a big boulder rolled down the hill smashing a whole bunch of them and i was all

Lone Survivor

then when things were getting super hairy i was all, Marky Mark can’t die because the film is called Lone


when i looked down they were alseep

so unimpressed with me or the film.

the one thing they will love about Halloween will be the candy corn.

they wont eat them, they will kick them around like soccer balls.