nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, July 12, 2017

    im starving 

    theyre gonna put a thing up my butt tomorrow.

    a thing with a camera on it.

    to make sure they can see what they need to see i cant have any food in there.

    so i cannot eat food today.

    i have gone through a variety of emotions.

    ive wanted to fight, cry, scream, now im chill for some reason.

    weird because i should be half way through a meeting right now, but my meeting was bumped.

    so im waiting for my meeting to be allowed to take place.

    all i wanna do is go home and cry.

    a nice Jewish girl who i work with pointed at my apple juice and said,

    “you’re having a party right now. once a year we don’t get to eat OR drink anything.”

    that made me feel better.

    she said they also think spiritual things when theyre fasting.

    like they are supposed to think about all the bad things they’ve done that year.

    i was all, ive done a lot more than can be handled in a day.

    the other day though i did something good.

    at the xbi we call it: saved a cat from a tree.

    this cat was in a tree that was on fire.

    afterwards i thought i could just play it off but i had to see a doctor to remove a bullet from my side.

    so i went and ate steak to get some of that meat back.

    its been a week of losing blood, giving blood, eating bloody meat.

    and now eating nothing and being forced to be patient.

    tomorrow theyre gonna put that camera in me and i hope they dont see anything bad.

    im the only bad thing.

  2. Friday, August 12, 2016

    two years ago yesterday we lost a giant 

    Academy-to-Robin-Williams-Genie-youre-free_zpsfc4ec9aathe reason everyone should blog is maybe if everyone blogged we would know when more people are battling things.

    and we’re all battling things.

    some are fighting more serious things than others and need a little more help.

    robin williams was so beloved can you imagine the outpouring of support that he would have had if we had known?

    pretty sure lots of people would have also gotten that love.

    but the first part of it is we have to know.

    life is so very complicated

    it’s better that it’s complicated but it can make it so hard.

    superstars are just like us. they should be more like us. they should write in public. they should use instagram. they should tweet. we should give them a break once in a while though.

    not everyone can afford a social media wunderkind.

    life shouldnt ever be determined by money.

    and it should never be ruined by fame.

    i can’t help thinking if robin williams was a mid level manager he would have gotten the treatment he needed.

    but because he was super famous he thought he had to do something different than everyone else.

    but as sting once said, if only you knew how fragile we are.

  3. Tuesday, July 28, 2015

    got out of my ride and felt stiff 

    randomly searchedis this what getting old is like?

    i drive so much, thats probably the problem. i feel great though. my hands my fingers, my legs. when you have rides all the aches go away.

    but still, i cant go on like this.

    theres a gym across the street from my work im thinking about joining. all i do at lunch is spend money. what a waste.

    may as well run one day. lift the next day. do yoga the third day and get all of this back together.

    i used to be an all star athlete.


    when i walk down the street i dont feel like an old man. i park in a place thats actually a medical facility.

    seeing the old people struggle to get in and out of their cars with the help of their filipino assistances is scary as hell.

    these people didnt look like this when they were my age.

    i dont know if i will live to 90 but if i do i dont want to be the people i see every morning.

    i want to ride my hoverboard to the spot, ollie over a station wagon, jump off of it, and have it flip into my fanny pack.

    like Al Gore intended.

    these are my goals.


  4. Tuesday, July 21, 2015

    took the night off, which is boring, but i was illin 

    hills housei like to work. i like to be moving. i like to meet people and help people and learn.

    when i was in college i had three jobs. when i moved to frisco i had three jobs.

    during LAist, the Times, and KPCC i had just one job but i spent all night working on those blogs because i was learning. (i also was freelancing with the xbi on occasion if they begged)

    now i only have two jobs. which is fine. im older. i need to learn how to relax. which is tough. because when i relax i fall asleep.

    so last night as you know my hands and back were hurting so i went out to the pool and put casablanca on the tv and just watched the moon and bogey do their thing.

    i felt like i was retired. i feel asleep outside. i barely touched my food. it didnt feel right. i like to be out there. whats the use of being in LA if youre not gonna be out there?

    if youre not gonna be out there why not just move to oregon where the land is cheap(er) and the homes are bigger and you can grow weed legally?

    but this morning my hands and my back feel better and im rested and the cats were happy to see me and jeanine was happy i was around and alls well.

    i do plan on seeing my doctor though because i feel like im too young for arthritis and i would hate to think that im actually hurting myself driving a freaking car.

    as if!

  5. Sunday, July 19, 2015

    you wanna make me laugh? tell me what i can do on the busblog 


    true story: today someone auditioned to be the editor of this blog.

    they were all: you stop writing about me this instant!

    i was like: OMG LOL ROFL

    this blog has been around for centuries. maybe longer. ive done everything possible with this thing

    IMG_0564except one: let someone else decide shit here.

    my mom, the person i love the most in life, she has notes about the world famous

    she tells them to me all the time “you seem too sad” “why do you swear so much?” “will you please stop writing about the xbi?” “was that really the best photo you could have used?”


    and i listen to her say the words but i tell her ma i put nothing in here is true for you. you and you only. now its for you and you mostly. and i love her and i want her to be proud of me but no way can she be the executive editor of this.

    so imagine when someone who is not my mother today not just asked but demanded that i do or not do something in this semi holy text? JUST IMAGINE!

    dear person: you are ill. you are not thinking right. you know what you need to do and you wont do it.

    it is not kill yourself. it is not act a fool. it is not avoid.

    it is go to the place where they cure what you have and get it cured.

    here are three things that you should not say to yourself about why you cant be cured

    1. bullshit about time

    2. malarkey about money

    3. anything about me

    a year ago almost to this day we saw young jeanine whine and bitch and scream and freak out and the two things she went on and on about were regarding to time and money

    jimi and the monkeesthe lamest excuses the devil could ever put in our mouths.

    and we did not listen to her. why? because she was being a crazy person who didnt really have a job and didnt really have a place to live and the world would be better and she would be better if she just did the right thing and jump into rehab. (which she did, thank god, praise Jesus)

    well you, would-be busblog editor, are in the same boat. thats not a real job for someone your age and for sure thats not a real place to live.

    which are not insults meant to hurt, those are observations from the world laser beamed to your heart via the busblog, purveyor of truth disguised as delicious poetry.

    where you are is not where you think you are. you are in a very bad place and you are having a spotlight shined on it and boo hoo too bad, so what, now what

    go: to the place: to get: cured.

    you are being boring and typical and cliche and you are better than that.

    you have seen the light and now you are turning your back on it. that is not only disrespectful but borderline sinful.

    babies cry in heaven when they even hear that this is going on down here.

    stop it. this minute. fix it. fucking fix it. go to the place and take on the issue that causes the issue and you will be free to do the scariest thing you have been avoiding for a decade:

    your actual fucking life.

    and to hell with everyone you know who is not saying the same.

    they are not on your team.

    this is the word of the busblog.

  6. Monday, May 11, 2015

    shout out to my man don frances 


    many moons ago i was a happy bachelor living alone on 24th and Potrero in the mission district.

    i had a sweet 1BD apt with a fireplace, dishwasher, washer drier in the bathroom. i even had a balcony that overlooked a church.

    god i was happy.

    but then don (pictured with the sexy glasses) and charlie knocked on my door and invited me to move to 591 haight street and live with them in a huge victorian.

    5 bedrooms and one little bathroom.

    i said no of course. why would i leave my beautiful pad? they said because of all the cool people youre gonna meet. including the women!

    i said oh im up to my neck in women. all they do is come over and love me and dance around and then go home. it’s like heaven!

    lies they said (and they were right) so i packed up my entire apartment and moved into one room!

    i had a terrific time and fell in love with the truest and moved outta the haight house with her and never looked back, except for all the time.

    now i hear Don has just had open heart surgery!

    he’s ok, but a prayer would be nice.

    keep Don safe and strong, Lord



  7. Friday, April 24, 2015

    funny thing happened in the desert 


    in the middle of the tornado of drinking rocking eating not sleeping came a still soft voice in the wilderness

    it said tony you may not realize this but there are lots of people who love you

    (i did not know this)

    and you should take care of yourself because we want you around for the duration.

    in one hand was a deep fried jack in the box taco

    in the other was a super big gulp of coke.

    and below that was my bulging belly.


    it was eerie how the voice knew that i had given up on my health.

    somehow it knew i hadn’t been hiking any more, hadnt been dating since the blonde.

    and sorta chucked everything except for my job and a half.

    but desert voices know all, which is why they’re so valuable.

    and why we miss out when we dont go out there to retune our heartstrings.

    so yesterday i went to whole foods and made a salad.

    and only drank a quarter can of pop.

    drove less and slept more.

    you know, all the things you promise yrself on new years.


    i dont know what i was rebelling against other than the xbi.

    i didnt want myself to be recruitable.

    also i wanted the ladies to love me for my heart, not my abs.

    even though my heart was being corroded by corn syrup and mediocrity.

    its funny how we can be our own worst enemy.

    not funny ha ha but funny oh crap i cant even fit into my pj pants.


    this week ive been unsubscribing from junk mails

    which isnt exactly the same as hiking, but its baby steps.

    but sunday i’ll see you at runyon, terrible big hill.

  8. Friday, November 21, 2014

    went to the doc for a while 


    he said he had some bad news.

    he said i need to quit the xbi.

    i told him i wasnt in the xbi.

    he said i couldnt even work part time for them, not even for little quickies.

    i said the xbi doesnt even exist.

    he said seriously you need to relax.

    he said if you are in need of money and thats why you work for them now and then, you need to do something else, like write books, screenplays,

    anything that wont raise your heart rate.

    i said i feel like im the coolest cucumber in the shopping cart.

    he said these tests say otherwise.

    ive been in a daze ever since.

  9. Sunday, June 22, 2014
  10. Friday, May 23, 2014

    mary, the biggest party girl on the wessside, had recently escaped rehab 


    i hadnt seen her in a while. i was at coachella when she told me she was entering a swanky beachside facility for a month.

    a few weeks ago she texted me saying i need an uber i gotta get out of this place.

    apparently the beachside malibu resort-style valhalla was too much for her.

    the trips to trader joes, the massages, the kingsized suite wasn’t what she hoped for

    what she really wanted was to see her beloved dog and sleep in her own bed and get back to work.

    she also wanted to turn over a new leaf, stop hanging out with the party people in her life

    and start doing more wholesome, healthy pursuits like throwing dinner parties with miss universe contestants

    like me and my buddy todd.



    im not a dinner party expert and when mary said all you have to do is wash the dishes, the girls and i will cook i was all, should i bring pie?

    apparently im the last person in LA who eats pie.

    so she sent me a text with a photo of a certain black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream and said i could bring that

    ah yes, talenti gelato.

    we grilled fish, steak, miss greece arrived with kale and watermelon, two delightful sisters were there

    the conversations were spicy and real, and mary shared stories with us about kicking the habit.

    before we knew it it was midnight and todd had to run home to feed his cat.

    was i obnoxious? duh. will i get invited back next time? probably not.

    but i did help dry the dishes and it was really nice to see mary dialed down a notch or two

    and seemingly healthier and happier, which is what its all about.

    ps that gelato was amazing.