nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, March 27, 2014

    before i went to the tax man i went to the atm to see how much i could afford to pay 

    darth everything

    i hadnt worked most of the year, but at the beginning i got some lump payments

    and then none of my unemployment was taxed, plus i sold a bunch of stock to keep the spring break rolling.

    surely i was going to have to pay a few grand to uncle scam

    but alas, the xbi “h&r block” turned my frown upside down and ive got over a grand coming back to me

    just from the golden state. so thank you jerry brown for not taxing unemployment.

    i will be toasting you from the vip tent at coachella right before the replacements take the stage.

    even though i know i’ll never play the lottery i do it anyways because lucky days happen

    the only question is how much do you have on the table when your number hits.

    i drive around and look at abandoned buildings and think of what id do if i bought it.

    there used to be this place on fountain and normandie – a mud wrestling place.

    its been shuttered for years and years. strange, because you can see it from the hollywood freeway

    youd think any advertisement you could paint on your wall would pay the rent all by itself.

    but no it sits there empty maybe because its right up against a residential neighborhood

    and people would whine if drunks made too much noise in the parking lot.

    found out from my pee doctor that the pee test i took was fine

    he was a little disappointed that i delivered 2.5 liters of urine during the 24 hour test.

    he says 2 is normal and i might be over doing it with the water, which is nice.

  2. Thursday, March 6, 2014
  3. Monday, February 24, 2014

    made some bad mistakes at work today 

    kyla and tyler in 2008 and now i wanna puke.

    i was home sick bc i didnt wanna get anyone else sick today. but the show must go on.

    so i sat in my bed with the tv off and just worked and worked and worked.

    most of it was fun because, well, it’s fun to be needed and know what youre doing.

    but some things i forgot about and one thing was a total collapse of reason.

    and murphys law the wrong people saw it and i got a phone call and that only made me feel worse.

    do you know how many mistakes i made in a year and a half at LAist? maybe 3.

    at the Times, in 3 1/2 years: maybe 4. one of them was trusting someone untrustworthy so maybe 5. but that one counted big.

    i dont know why im sick or what kind of sick this is but it’s a weird one. usually my nose is all runny and it eventually effs with my throat and then i’ll get a cough and then i’ll barf it out and then im good. a 3-4 day process. but this one is different.

    0drunkgirlthe nose only slightly runs and the cough is like a ghost cough. like a reaction to the idea of being sick more than actually being it. my body aches for no reason but i am sleeping like mad. and then i get these waves of nausea. i should probably just hurl.

    i was feeling really low and a pretty girl liked something on my insta so i wrote her and said send me a picture and make my day and bingo she did and it was the best picture ive ever seen of her.

    and then out of the blue another girl started chatting with me while i was eating lunch and said she wanted to have my babies. and she looked terrific so i said fine. who cares. who the hell cares any more. im not getting any younger. i should just say yes to who ever is crazy enough to want whatever ive got, which right now is a filthy house and some thai food delivery on the way.

    if the kids look anything like my niece and nephew, pictured, then id be stoked.

    i need to get better soon though and i need to stop making mistakes because i really dont think imma win the lottery any time soon. it looks so much easier on tv.

  4. Sunday, February 23, 2014

    today i woke up feeling crappy, which is impossible 

    loews pool

    i seriously cannot get sick this week because next sunday is the Oscars

    and i have a seriously important job to do that day and so i did what any idiot would do

    i took an expired benedryl before i went to get my credentials this morning.

    we had a huge meeting where they gave us a tour of the grounds, the red carpet, where the winners will walk after they get their award, and where all the press will be.

    i even got to stand on the oscar stage. it was incredible.

    but the whole time i felt miserable. sometimes bendryl can knock me out, sometimes it can make me feel normal.

    and sometimes like today it made me feel like death and sick and worse than when i took it.

    one of my lovely coworkers suggested i go to a pharmacy and take Sudafed.

    my unofficial doctor, Shelley, suggested i drink lots of juices and water and sleep all day.

    i took both of those recommendations and right now i feel so much better.

    the unwritten rule in my department at the oscars is unless youre bleeding in the hospital, youre working on the big day, so handle yo business. and because it’s my first one i want to be a plus, not a minus.

    so glad im feeling better. sooooo glad. thank you thank you thank you.

    now lets rock this thing and have great stories to tell 8 days from now.

  5. Friday, February 7, 2014

    im starting to see why kurt cobain killed himself 

    kurt cobain cryingand now i know for sure why he self medicated.

    when the time it takes for you to fill out the endless amount of paperwork is 5x longer than the time the doctor spends with you to figure out whats wrong with you, something is wrong.

    when doctors and hospitals refuse to talk with each other and act as if you are the first person who needs them to talk with each other, you want to die – or do heroin

    when people on the phone tell you you’re in “the wrong pod” or you need “an authorization” or that it will take 7 to 10 days to get your records out of their computers to the specialists computers: the rage inside of you equals the power that fueled Bleach.

    this blog has done its best to be a positive voice in the wilderness, but this weird side trip into the bowels of the american health care system has turned me into a negative creep who has talked about burning down buildings and blowing his head off more this last week than ever.

    even though president obama didnt get the Obamacare that he knows we need, now im seeing he did the right thing by trying. and those who keep trying to cockblock him in the name of politics or racism or pride should burn in the depths of hell.

    our bodies and minds fail occasionally, especially as we get older. fact.

    and the strange truth that almost every other first world country on this planet has figured out how to take care of its citizens and the usa hasnt should be a huge embarrassment to this nation.

    but instead we just pretend theres nothing we can do about it.

    there is always something we can do about it.

    and if i hadnt gotten the perfect pain relievers from the meanest doc i had the displeasure of running into, who knows what i would be doing right now.

  6. Thursday, February 6, 2014

    xbi were all, ever heard about the Death Cat of the olde folks home 


    i said of course, it went to the rooms of the senior citizens and a few days later they were dead.

    xbi was all yeah and havent you noticed an awful lot of cats around your house. dont you think that means something?


    i said yeah it meant  a very irresponsible cat hoarder didn’t take care of her business when she was evicted.

    xbi was all, keep telling that to yourself. and just like that the pain was excruciating.  i walked in the rain to the ER

    but called my doc saying which hospital should i go to? the one i know will only cover ER stuff

    or this other hospital that actually omg might have a urologist in the house. he said, suck it up agent.

    he said go home, load up on drugs, sext, and in the morning the xbi urologist will be back in Cali.

    and even though he’s xbi and theyre clearly trying to get me to crack, i like him, hes my doctor. he told me to quit that one job that lead to the good job and the great job after that.

    technically im xbi too but not really, so maybe deep down hes not really either.

    plus at some point youve GOTTA trust somebody.

    if the xbi has taught me anything its: the easiest opponent to crush is one who has no allies.

    so even though i puked off vicodins yesterday, i downed one, heated up some chicken my maid left me yesterday, and asked a young lady to show me what im missing.

    she said hows this

    and that actually did make me feel better for a little while.

    unfortunately i struck out with everyone else and realized either i need to get wilder friends or educate the world on this brand of experimental medication

    1781501_10152187064958057_1577206348_n and then when i was begging a lovely canadian to just show me what shoes she was wearing and she replied by taking a snap of her chipotle salad


    in came a totally unsolicited text from my mom. with this amazing picture of my niece.

    and i was all omg ive been barking up the wrong tree.

    you need to survive this asteroid field of kidney stones not for selfish personal reasons

    but so you could help others, especially those in your family.

    i need to teach my niece how to throw elbows in the paint.

    my sister is too sweet and my brother in law is too logical

    uncle tony needs to bring a lil east hollywood into the lives of the holy family girls bball squad

    that is my secret purpose

    if, of course, i live through the night.

    which looks like a long shot.

    and its raining like how that great poet described it many moons ago

    the rain, it rains, and it pours on a little pink girls bike
    half falling down no kickstand
    im damned why wont he say it
    in a holding cell not hell but close
    someone in the cloud has a rope
    but theyre scared id use it the cheater way
    and youd see dangling converses
    in the morning with milk but i got better plans dear fans

    so thank you, most badass niece

  7. Tuesday, February 4, 2014

    nearly died yesterday but alls way better today 

    gaspar noeyesterday morning i woke up and thought i should probably go to the hospital. those stones are back and they wanted more of my delicious gooey nugat.

    drove to work and thought i should probably see Cedar Sinai hospital for the first time.

    got to my desk and things were blurry and spinning and this super honest Portuguese woman said, “you look terrible” which was odd because i had a dress shirt, sweater, khakis and dress shoes on because i had prepared to be buried.

    so 15 minutes into work i told this other coworker to tell my boss that i was going to the hospital.

    drank some water and went to the loo in the building because i figured cedars would have a long wait.

    i groaned in the mens room as i wrote my boss an apologetic note explaining what had been done and not done and how i was sorry but i was dying. told the security guard i was peacing out and as i walked to the garage i figured i should probably take Uber to the hospital cuz lord knows how much parking is gonna be at the beverly hills hospital. plus they probably wouldnt let me drive home so maybe i should just uber there, uber home, and uber to work the next day instead of driving.

    my experience with the morphine that they gave me last time was one where i was happy i was walking home instead of driving.

    so as i walked past the huge rock to Fairfax i suddenly felt better. it dawned on me that maybe that last pee pissed out the stone. i didnt feel great but i didnt feel awful any more. and with each step i felt better and better.

    usually the feeling of “OMG I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL” is the stone going through the tiniest part of its journey. and the only reason i went to the hospital the other times was to ensure that i wasnt crazy and to get meds in case there were some straggler stones. but i had meds at home. and i knew i wasnt cray. so i turned around, went to work, nearly fainted a few times, but they fed us lunch and i felt better.

    i just sat in my chair and worked and fortunately it wasnt a hectic day and i drank water and pissed and i canceled the drinks i was gonna have at 7pm and just went home, turned up the heat, ate beefaroni and watched my man Matt Welch on The independents talk with Anthony Weiner and laughed and watched PTI and laughed and watched the news and turned that shit off immediately and went to bed and got a full 8 hours sleep.

    and i type to you a renewed man. better, stronger, faster, blacker, deffer. today imma go to the swankiest hotel in beverly hills for work, then do some other stuff, return home to do laundry and maybe uber for a few hours because i miss it. thank you God for letting me survive yesterday and thank you for letting me have a bottle of vicodins for when the pain hits.

    if only i knew what was causing them.

  8. Monday, February 3, 2014

    a letter from etienne upon hearing i passed two more kidney stones in the last 24 hours 


    Tony I swear to baby Jesus you better be alright.


    You make money. Just pay a Mexican woman to make all your food everyday and don{t eat ANYTHING other than that and don´t drink anything other than water. No booze, no pop, no sake.


    I swear if you croak I´m going to go and kill you. And I certainly won´t be pouring rum on anybody´s grave if their croaking was completely avoidable.

    What is wrong with you. You live in America, land of answers. SO FIGURE THIS THE F OUT, TONY.


  9. Saturday, January 25, 2014

    this is me moments after being told i can go home from the hospital 


    they gave be drugs, xrayed me, taken my blood, and had me lay on a gurnee in the middle of the hallway for hours while my stone made its way through places it had no business being.

    weird thing about kidney stones – they seem to be a complete mystery to all doctors: emergency or otherwise.

    i was sitting on the examining table of my doctor just a few days ago as we both tried to figure out why i constantly felt like going to the bathroom. i even used his bathroom to relieve myself of two pity drops. and even after i asked do you think i have something wrong with my kidney the best he could say is lets take some more blood tomorrow.


    tomorrow was yesterday and i felt so bad that i didnt have the time to go all the way to glendale so i just said “i’ll go to the ER and when they check me out im sure they will get some blood out of me”.

    the lady at the front desk didnt even ask me why i was there, she just wanted to know if i had been there before. the nurse took my blood pressure and temp and finally asked why i was there and when i told her she told me to take off my clothes and put on that hospital gown.

    for some reason i was already feeling better. figures.

    then i sat in a line of wheelchairs for a good half hour. waiting with other people. one old man had a personal male nurse. some lady with a tutu got bit by a black widow. and then this crazy homeless guy who smelled of pee rolled in front of me.

    all i knew was i was able to do some work because i was near a wall jack and i had brought my phone charger with me because i had expected a long wait: the boy scouts taught us to always be prepared. thanks fellas.

    my male nurse guy asked me where the pain was and out of 1 to 10 how bad was it. i said 8. he said you dont look it. i said dont let my cool demeanor fool you, i live a block away, id rather be there than here half naked and shivering with this lousy wifi. it if was a 7 id be sitting on my toilet with led zep playing.

    eventually a doctor arrived. as i was telling him i thought it was a kidney stone he looked at me like i was an idiot. like how could anyone know about kidney stones. theyre super mysterious. he told the nurse to give me a non narcotic pain reliever because i didnt seem that much in pain. so they gave me an IV drip of sugar water and we went to the x ray tube. after that i was rolled back to the hallway.

    a lady slumped in a wheelchair was bleeding. her husband was insulting people for not hurrying faster. a man with a deformed torso took off his clothes and put them back on. young doctors commented as to how over crowded the hospital was. and eventually my nurse asked if the pain had subsided. i said no. he said where does it hurt. i said

    right at the taint. i feel like a rhino is nudging me there and wont stop it. he said a rhino? i said imagine you really have to rip a fart. imagine that you know if you could let it roar youd feel 5 pounds lighter and so much better. he got the point and said he was gonna ask the doctor if he could up the meds. i closed my eyes and tried to take a little disco nap. when i woke up the nurse said, this is morphine. but first i will give you some anti nausea meds. the one two punch did me right.


    before he could say youre gonna feel cold, i felt cold and warm at the same time. icy hot inside out. it was like the angels put a blanket on me under my skin. and then they sang the pretties songs. hummed them really. not sang. all the good things and all the bad things that i had done or even thought about rushed through me and i was given a score. and it was a good score. then the doc came out with a look of surprise on his face. you had a kidney stone. four millimeters. its not in your bladder yet but it will be soon. its low. and when you urinate it out it might hurt.

    the songs the angles were humming were so sweet that nothing he could say could make me sad or scared. these were the songs of freedom.

    then the financial counselor rolled up a portable computer and told me i was going to have to pay so much money it was gonna me amazing. i was all dont i have insurance? and he was all, yeah but not only are you gonna be paying forever but you owe us $100 right now.

    the angles hummed the best guitar solo youd ever heard and i was all moneys a fools game where do i sign.

    then a female nurse saying she was covering for the male nurse told me to change outta the gown and into my clothes but do it slowly or i might fall down. so i went in the bathroom and peed and peed and peed and it was great. everything was great. so i took a selfie, paid the cashier and walked to the grocery store to get my prescriptions filled. because it was friday night the store was packed so i walked a few blocks away and got some cheap sushi to go and told my momma i was gonna be ok.

    and then i crawled into my bed which was like coming home after a long vacation and feeling so good in your own bed. and the morphine whispered “take that vicodin and lets call it a night”. and who was i to argue so i ate the sushi said my prayers and ate the vicodin and even though it was only 9pm i drifted off to a land where people were shown the most interesting dreams.

    i knew not of this place for i have no time for dreams of those sorts. when i sleep i like it black like my action stars. but this world was colorful and fluid and had more stories than it could believe and i slept and dreamt and woke up and peed and got back in bed again and was out for another 7 hours.

    and in the afternoon a pretty girl called me from a faraway land and maybe that was a dream too but she laughed at my so called accent

    and then on tv i watched mr and mrs smith and then i watched hockey in a baseball stadium and kiss played.

    and now i feel a thousand times better.

  10. Sunday, December 29, 2013