featuring the lyrics of Axl Rose, Slash, Izzy Stradlin, Duff McKagan and Steven Adler
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Friday, May 23, 2014
i hadnt seen her in a while. i was at coachella when she told me she was entering a swanky beachside facility for a month.
a few weeks ago she texted me saying i need an uber i gotta get out of this place.
apparently the beachside malibu resort-style valhalla was too much for her.
the trips to trader joes, the massages, the kingsized suite wasn’t what she hoped for
what she really wanted was to see her beloved dog and sleep in her own bed and get back to work.
she also wanted to turn over a new leaf, stop hanging out with the party people in her life
and start doing more wholesome, healthy pursuits like throwing dinner parties with miss universe contestants
like me and my buddy todd.
im not a dinner party expert and when mary said all you have to do is wash the dishes, the girls and i will cook i was all, should i bring pie?
apparently im the last person in LA who eats pie.
so she sent me a text with a photo of a certain black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream and said i could bring that
ah yes, talenti gelato.
we grilled fish, steak, miss greece arrived with kale and watermelon, two delightful sisters were there
the conversations were spicy and real, and mary shared stories with us about kicking the habit.
before we knew it it was midnight and todd had to run home to feed his cat.
was i obnoxious? duh. will i get invited back next time? probably not.
but i did help dry the dishes and it was really nice to see mary dialed down a notch or two
and seemingly healthier and happier, which is what its all about.
ps that gelato was amazing.
Monday, April 28, 2014
so i took the elevator downstair, past the women who came to see the DVF exhibit in their DVF wrap dresses
and i walked to the salad joint to get a salad cuz im unhealthy and old and stupid and dumb
and i have $11 burning a hole in my pocket
some people just buy sliced and cut fruit from the fruit amigo but i like to eat my vegetables and drink my fruits
even though thats probably against the skinny girl cocktail way of life which is typical
eat my shorts
when i win the lottery im just gonna eat mail order steak anyways and die in a digusting heap
next to my Miró fountain of ginger ale
a real artist, btw would only work with corn syrup, btw, fwiw, lol, brb, kthnxbi
theres two paths you can go down in life, my lifecoach Pierre told me,
you can be mediocre
or be fabulously mediocre and advertise.
which means for me paying an extra buck for extra avocado
and winking at the girl for free eggs
the Coke is only there for color.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
i hadnt worked most of the year, but at the beginning i got some lump payments
and then none of my unemployment was taxed, plus i sold a bunch of stock to keep the spring break rolling.
surely i was going to have to pay a few grand to uncle scam
but alas, the xbi “h&r block” turned my frown upside down and ive got over a grand coming back to me
just from the golden state. so thank you jerry brown for not taxing unemployment.
i will be toasting you from the vip tent at coachella right before the replacements take the stage.
even though i know i’ll never play the lottery i do it anyways because lucky days happen
the only question is how much do you have on the table when your number hits.
i drive around and look at abandoned buildings and think of what id do if i bought it.
there used to be this place on fountain and normandie – a mud wrestling place.
its been shuttered for years and years. strange, because you can see it from the hollywood freeway
youd think any advertisement you could paint on your wall would pay the rent all by itself.
but no it sits there empty maybe because its right up against a residential neighborhood
and people would whine if drunks made too much noise in the parking lot.
found out from my pee doctor that the pee test i took was fine
he was a little disappointed that i delivered 2.5 liters of urine during the 24 hour test.
he says 2 is normal and i might be over doing it with the water, which is nice.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
i feel like a king now
Monday, February 24, 2014
and now i wanna puke.
i was home sick bc i didnt wanna get anyone else sick today. but the show must go on.
so i sat in my bed with the tv off and just worked and worked and worked.
most of it was fun because, well, it’s fun to be needed and know what youre doing.
but some things i forgot about and one thing was a total collapse of reason.
and murphys law the wrong people saw it and i got a phone call and that only made me feel worse.
do you know how many mistakes i made in a year and a half at LAist? maybe 3.
at the Times, in 3 1/2 years: maybe 4. one of them was trusting someone untrustworthy so maybe 5. but that one counted big.
i dont know why im sick or what kind of sick this is but it’s a weird one. usually my nose is all runny and it eventually effs with my throat and then i’ll get a cough and then i’ll barf it out and then im good. a 3-4 day process. but this one is different.
the nose only slightly runs and the cough is like a ghost cough. like a reaction to the idea of being sick more than actually being it. my body aches for no reason but i am sleeping like mad. and then i get these waves of nausea. i should probably just hurl.
i was feeling really low and a pretty girl liked something on my insta so i wrote her and said send me a picture and make my day and bingo she did and it was the best picture ive ever seen of her.
and then out of the blue another girl started chatting with me while i was eating lunch and said she wanted to have my babies. and she looked terrific so i said fine. who cares. who the hell cares any more. im not getting any younger. i should just say yes to who ever is crazy enough to want whatever ive got, which right now is a filthy house and some thai food delivery on the way.
if the kids look anything like my niece and nephew, pictured, then id be stoked.
i need to get better soon though and i need to stop making mistakes because i really dont think imma win the lottery any time soon. it looks so much easier on tv.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
i seriously cannot get sick this week because next sunday is the Oscars
and i have a seriously important job to do that day and so i did what any idiot would do
i took an expired benedryl before i went to get my credentials this morning.
we had a huge meeting where they gave us a tour of the grounds, the red carpet, where the winners will walk after they get their award, and where all the press will be.
i even got to stand on the oscar stage. it was incredible.
but the whole time i felt miserable. sometimes bendryl can knock me out, sometimes it can make me feel normal.
and sometimes like today it made me feel like death and sick and worse than when i took it.
one of my lovely coworkers suggested i go to a pharmacy and take Sudafed.
my unofficial doctor, Shelley, suggested i drink lots of juices and water and sleep all day.
i took both of those recommendations and right now i feel so much better.
the unwritten rule in my department at the oscars is unless youre bleeding in the hospital, youre working on the big day, so handle yo business. and because it’s my first one i want to be a plus, not a minus.
so glad im feeling better. sooooo glad. thank you thank you thank you.
now lets rock this thing and have great stories to tell 8 days from now.
Friday, February 7, 2014
and now i know for sure why he self medicated.
when the time it takes for you to fill out the endless amount of paperwork is 5x longer than the time the doctor spends with you to figure out whats wrong with you, something is wrong.
when doctors and hospitals refuse to talk with each other and act as if you are the first person who needs them to talk with each other, you want to die – or do heroin
when people on the phone tell you you’re in “the wrong pod” or you need “an authorization” or that it will take 7 to 10 days to get your records out of their computers to the specialists computers: the rage inside of you equals the power that fueled Bleach.
this blog has done its best to be a positive voice in the wilderness, but this weird side trip into the bowels of the american health care system has turned me into a negative creep who has talked about burning down buildings and blowing his head off more this last week than ever.
even though president obama didnt get the Obamacare that he knows we need, now im seeing he did the right thing by trying. and those who keep trying to cockblock him in the name of politics or racism or pride should burn in the depths of hell.
our bodies and minds fail occasionally, especially as we get older. fact.
and the strange truth that almost every other first world country on this planet has figured out how to take care of its citizens and the usa hasnt should be a huge embarrassment to this nation.
but instead we just pretend theres nothing we can do about it.
there is always something we can do about it.
and if i hadnt gotten the perfect pain relievers from the meanest doc i had the displeasure of running into, who knows what i would be doing right now.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
i said of course, it went to the rooms of the senior citizens and a few days later they were dead.
xbi was all yeah and havent you noticed an awful lot of cats around your house. dont you think that means something?
i said yeah it meant a very irresponsible cat hoarder didn’t take care of her business when she was evicted.
xbi was all, keep telling that to yourself. and just like that the pain was excruciating. i walked in the rain to the ER
but called my doc saying which hospital should i go to? the one i know will only cover ER stuff
or this other hospital that actually omg might have a urologist in the house. he said, suck it up agent.
he said go home, load up on drugs, sext, and in the morning the xbi urologist will be back in Cali.
and even though he’s xbi and theyre clearly trying to get me to crack, i like him, hes my doctor. he told me to quit that one job that lead to the good job and the great job after that.
technically im xbi too but not really, so maybe deep down hes not really either.
plus at some point youve GOTTA trust somebody.
if the xbi has taught me anything its: the easiest opponent to crush is one who has no allies.
so even though i puked off vicodins yesterday, i downed one, heated up some chicken my maid left me yesterday, and asked a young lady to show me what im missing.
she said hows this
and that actually did make me feel better for a little while.
unfortunately i struck out with everyone else and realized either i need to get wilder friends or educate the world on this brand of experimental medication
and then when i was begging a lovely canadian to just show me what shoes she was wearing and she replied by taking a snap of her chipotle salad
in came a totally unsolicited text from my mom. with this amazing picture of my niece.
and i was all omg ive been barking up the wrong tree.
you need to survive this asteroid field of kidney stones not for selfish personal reasons
but so you could help others, especially those in your family.
i need to teach my niece how to throw elbows in the paint.
my sister is too sweet and my brother in law is too logical
uncle tony needs to bring a lil east hollywood into the lives of the holy family girls bball squad
that is my secret purpose
if, of course, i live through the night.
which looks like a long shot.
and its raining like how that great poet described it many moons ago
the rain, it rains, and it pours on a little pink girls bike
half falling down no kickstand
im damned why wont he say it
in a holding cell not hell but close
someone in the cloud has a rope
but theyre scared id use it the cheater way
and youd see dangling converses
in the morning with milk but i got better plans dear fans
so thank you, most badass niece
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
yesterday morning i woke up and thought i should probably go to the hospital. those stones are back and they wanted more of my delicious gooey nugat.
drove to work and thought i should probably see Cedar Sinai hospital for the first time.
got to my desk and things were blurry and spinning and this super honest Portuguese woman said, “you look terrible” which was odd because i had a dress shirt, sweater, khakis and dress shoes on because i had prepared to be buried.
so 15 minutes into work i told this other coworker to tell my boss that i was going to the hospital.
drank some water and went to the loo in the building because i figured cedars would have a long wait.
i groaned in the mens room as i wrote my boss an apologetic note explaining what had been done and not done and how i was sorry but i was dying. told the security guard i was peacing out and as i walked to the garage i figured i should probably take Uber to the hospital cuz lord knows how much parking is gonna be at the beverly hills hospital. plus they probably wouldnt let me drive home so maybe i should just uber there, uber home, and uber to work the next day instead of driving.
my experience with the morphine that they gave me last time was one where i was happy i was walking home instead of driving.
so as i walked past the huge rock to Fairfax i suddenly felt better. it dawned on me that maybe that last pee pissed out the stone. i didnt feel great but i didnt feel awful any more. and with each step i felt better and better.
usually the feeling of “OMG I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL” is the stone going through the tiniest part of its journey. and the only reason i went to the hospital the other times was to ensure that i wasnt crazy and to get meds in case there were some straggler stones. but i had meds at home. and i knew i wasnt cray. so i turned around, went to work, nearly fainted a few times, but they fed us lunch and i felt better.
i just sat in my chair and worked and fortunately it wasnt a hectic day and i drank water and pissed and i canceled the drinks i was gonna have at 7pm and just went home, turned up the heat, ate beefaroni and watched my man Matt Welch on The independents talk with Anthony Weiner and laughed and watched PTI and laughed and watched the news and turned that shit off immediately and went to bed and got a full 8 hours sleep.
and i type to you a renewed man. better, stronger, faster, blacker, deffer. today imma go to the swankiest hotel in beverly hills for work, then do some other stuff, return home to do laundry and maybe uber for a few hours because i miss it. thank you God for letting me survive yesterday and thank you for letting me have a bottle of vicodins for when the pain hits.
if only i knew what was causing them.