nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, January 4, 2021

    i had a hard time sleeping last night 

    shouldnt i?

    death is literally around every corner.

    i was at the store last week and i heard someone sneeze and i darted in the opposite direction like it was a shotgun blast

    on that trip i also got a covid test in a church parking lot and today they called

    but because it was coming from some 714 area code i was all, pass.

    they left a message saying they had my test results and i should call back.

    i was scared to death! i had been up all night with constipation, and then the opposite and when i wake up in the middle of the night i have a hard time going back to sleep, especially with the world imploding

    so i called back asap and they were all, you’re good.

    and i wanted to yell: couldn’t you just have texted me that? or emailed? or left that on the message?

    why make me call back? i know its a medical thing, but if there’s not a virus, it’s not medical. it’s nothing. it’s the opposite of Anything.

    let me check a box off on the form where I let you text me a big thumbs up if im negative.

    life doesnt need to be hard.

    life is hard enough.

    thank God i have Tums and the Lord above looking out for me when im dumb enough to leave my home.

    no more home leaving for a while.

  2. Saturday, April 18, 2020

    dear children of the future 

    here we are now in the fourth or fifth week of

    shelter in place.

    youre not really supposed to go outside.

    when you do you should wear a mask.

    you shouldnt touch anything and when you do you should wash your hands

    amber and i go to in n out about once or twice a week

    its our big splurge.

    my computer is dying which is sad because im one of half of the americans who still has a job and i earn my living from writing on a computer

    so i bought a new macbook, air, which should arrive any day now.

    it was scary to take that much of a financial investment but i look at it like this, if i was a guitar player id buy a Gibson SG and a nice marshall amp and that would set me back some.

    then the other day the government direct deposited pretty much what the computer cost, so im just gonna put that money on the card and we’ll call it even.

    now listen future children. politics and one or two right wing networks have planted the seeds of doubt into our fellow country men and women and they dont wanna sit inside any more to stop the spread of this virus.

    they want to go back to work and school and doing all the things they were doing before this crazy thing happened

    the silent killer i like to call it.

    so these last few days theyve gotten outta their houses, climbed into their pickup trucks and what have you and theyve gathered with signs and flags and raised their fists in protest. which is what america is about.

    but the weird thing is, they’re protesting science, not politics.

    theres not one expert scientist or doctor who recommends leaving the house and getting too close to other people.

    and these folks say well what about california, the governor said half of the citizens would get sick, they havent gotten sick which means this is all a hoax

    a commie hoax

    when they should be saying, well lookit that, staying at home, chilling out, getting money in the mail is actually working

    doing nothing does something, fucking a.

    it’s almost like theyre mad that it’s working.

    damn you hippie science.

    damn you nancy pelosi.

    and future children,

    thats why there aint no more GOP


  3. Thursday, November 15, 2018

    a year ago today i had the most painful kidney stone 

    documented beautifully here.

    since then ive taken it easy on the Cokes, only one a day max. but usually just half of one.

    days like yesterday, none.

    it’s weird to have addictions and maybe mine is coca-cola.

    id drink three a day if i could.

    im jealous of people who can drink a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer and not have any side effects.

    my effects are literally in my side.

    is it the syrup that fucks me over? coke is mostly water. i see it come out of the fountain at mcdonalds.

    maybe my kidney just isn’t perfect and the chemical imbalance with pop screws it up?

    who knows.

    will this be the thing i ask God about first if im lucky enough to meet him? no.

    but it would be nice if in Heaven they go over our body and tell us what the issues Really were and what we should have done to prevent them.

    why is my belly so fat? why were my eyes so good. why did booze never affect me negatively? why was i able to get away with so much? was it the xbi? was it genes? speaking of, exactly who was in my family tree? tell me about africa. tell me how so much lightness ended up in the skin of me and my relatives on both sides.

    i would love for that recap to happen before all the parties and hoo haw of the afterlife commences.

    today i have to go to the police department. we have a neighbor who has been worse in the past, who has tried, but things could be better. one of the things is the sprinklers on their grass. they’re way too high. i get my car washed at least once a week but i can never park over night by this guy because the water literally sprays all the way up the side and on to my roof. thats how powerful they are and how little regard he has about wasting water.

    afterwards i need to run back and finish this part of the project. two days ago amber had a little run in with a restaurant that distracted me. yesterday she was home but spent time away from the house enjoying her day off. then we went for a nice walk and went to a $4 Pho joint. we have a simple life.

    her pa wants us to join he and his sister for thanksgiving up in thousand oaks. thankfully theyre all ok. i havent been to too many turkey days with a gf’s parents but the ones ive been to were nice. he’s a good guy. former military. big wig. secret. but thats all behind him now. thankfully.

    may everything be behind us in due time.

  4. Tuesday, November 6, 2018

    everyone won today, everyone lost 

    so much happened today i dont even know where to start.

    did the american people win? pretty much. those who wanted backwards racists and crooks on their way to jail voted for them, and that’s their right.

    those of us who wanted clear thinking leaders and visionaries reluctantly voted for diane feinstein

    all i know is auntie maxine is going to show donald trump the back of her hand in so many delicious ways and i know they wanna put diane back in as speaker i think they should give it to maxine because she has been the one saying early and often that she cannot wait to impeach this son of a gun, so let her.

    all while giving love to the first black female speaker of the house

    i spent a few hours today meeting my new doctor. i had to switch docs once i switched my health plan. so they gave me the whole physical and even stuck a thing up my, and i was all, when did this procedure begin and they said about a year ago.

    and i was like, well since we now know each other… she and the young doctor who was shadowing her marveled at how young i appeared and i pointed to the nearby burger king and i said, fast food 4x a week, mixed with loud music, and a sweet gf who’s down for whatever and you too will sustain this glow.

    how much do you exercise?




    how often are you in front of a computer?

    12 hours a day.

    do you wear glasses?


    can you read minds?

    since 1992.

    we shook hands and agreed to shave the mole from my head because it was probably an xbi transmitter

    a procedure that is scheduled for next week. so if i disappear, you know who to blame.

  5. Monday, August 20, 2018

    i was so sick last week 

    and then i went to the urgent care and the dude told me to bend over and pull down my pants

    and i was all, so this is what it’s come to?

    and he gave me a shot into one cheek

    and another in the other cheek

    and he gave me a bunch of pills

    and he said drink lots of water and pray to the Lord

    and kiss that pretty girl i see on your blog

    and i swear to you within an hour i could feel the Good fighting the Evil

    and i was all, Work Bitch Work!

    the night before i had coughed so much i began puking. i coughed so much one of my cats shut the bathroom door because i was disturbing her.

    i was coughing so much my lungs were hurting and my throat was sore and i was running out of TP

    but then after visiting the urgent care there i was healthy, feeling like Robert Plant on the balcony of the Riot Hyatt in ’73

    i could eat again, sing again, dance again.

    we are such fragile, sensitive, weird little sacks of miracles.

    tiny doses of chemicals can alter us so much, just like how the meanest sneer can bum our days.

    i never want to be the reason anyone feels down

    except for those jackasses on twitter who are probably russian bots

    i want to be the booty shot of love.

    i wanna be your miracle drug.

    think good thoughts.

  6. Wednesday, August 15, 2018

    ive been sick 

    i coulda been from the smoke in the air from the fires

    im a sensitive poet, especially my gnose

    anyway, i just hurled so things should be better now.

    we’ll find out tomorrow.


  7. Wednesday, November 15, 2017

    and another one 

    last night around 4am i woke up because i was having pains in my lower back and i had a shortness of breath.

    i went to the bathroom but i knew what it was, especially when i couldn’t pee: kidney stones.


    i fuddled around my pad trying to prepare for the super long wait in the ER and doing my best not to wake up Amber. but i failed at everything.

    i couldn’t find my sweat pants, i couldn’t find my cubs knit hat and i disturbed the pretty girl, who then put on her clothes and walked me to Kaiser Permanente, where i had delivered my previous two stones.

    that’s right, in four years working for the Academy, i have now had three kidney stones.

    i try to be a cool customer, and most of the time i pull it off but the two block walk was endless. every step hurt and when we finally made it to the hospital and they told us to go upstairs and walk to the ER i began crying.

    for so many reasons.

    the biggest reason is i know what is needed to end the pain: heroin. they dont call it that in the hospital, they call it Demerol or Morphine or some other less hysterical name but it’s heroin and once they inject it into you, your body relaxes, you get super pukey, and then you drift off into a beautiful daze.

    but when you enter the hospital, if you mention pain killers even once, the machine stops and you will be delayed your sweet reward for at least an hour. trust me, i know.

    so you suck it up. and it makes you cry because if you are someone like me who is not shy about communication, it kills you not to say, “please just one shot in the ass and we can do all the other things.”  because if you say that they think you’re an addict and uggggghhhhh.

    we get to the window and thank God i was already in the system due to the previous visits and Lord Above they don’t make me do any paperwork. Also, blessings upon blessings, theres only one other person in the entire waiting room.

    so a nurse hooks me up to the blood pressure machine and murphys law it doesnt seem to wanna work so im moaning and crying and writhing around in the seat. inside all i want to do is say “BRO MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS 1000 over 10 million, lets make this happen!” but you have to be cool.

    and cry. just keep crying. just let it out, which is just as bad as the pain for me because why am i crying? im crying because this is death. i am totally out of control, i am at the mercy of people who are up at 4am who cant even get their GD blood pressure machine to work and im gonna die right there on Sunset Blvd. im crying because no doctor or specialist has been able to tell me how to avoid this. im crying because theres a pretty girl listening to me not be cool.

    my BP is 178 over 125. HAPPY EVERYONE?

    they take me to room 10. amber helps me out of my shirt. im laying on the gurney and im just moaning like a bear who has been shot in the fucking head but he aint dead yet. theres a few other people in this part of the ER and because i am highly sensitive in all areas at this point i can hear them all saying, what the hells wrong with that guy?

    and fortunately Amber parts the curtains and very politely asks a nurse, can we do something about this pain?


    then the longest ten minutes in human history passed and finally a nurse came in with a cocktail of morphine, anti-puke meds, high blood pressure pills, and a shot of rum.

    it cut right through the pain. but naggingly it was still there. they asked me to pee, and i peed. lawdy lawdy did i pee.

    i peed so much i felt like maybe the stone was gone. but no i could still feel it. so they took me to the cat scan where i met a man who looked like all my relatives. and it turned out he was from DC. so we chatted, and took a picture together but when i got up i doubled over.

    then a nurse came in and asked what the pain level was. i said it was a 10 then a 2 now we are back up to 8. and they gave me another dose of morphine and i drifted into a nether land.

    before i floated too far, i said, amber, if i fall asleep just go home. youve been awake since 4:20, no need for you to soldier through this. but she went to starbucks and came back. i had a phone that could get tv shows. she wasnt interested and soon the doc said i was free to go.

    but life isnt fair and the hospital pharmacy doesn’t allow me to get drugs there so we took a Lyft to the Walgreens a few miles away. and i felt so good.


    i felt like i had delivered a baby and it had already graduated college.

    the contrast between ultimate pain and a quick lack of pain was bizarre and slightly unnerving. how can we feel like we are going to die at 6am but at 9am alls kool and the gang? got the meds, took one of the pain pills and drifted off again.

    and then slept and slept.

    so whats the lesson: simple. always have a little stash of heroin around the house just incase.


    tomorrow morning i have to be in santa monica at 8:30am to fight a traffic ticket. i wonder if i pass out.

  8. Wednesday, July 12, 2017

    im starving 

    theyre gonna put a thing up my butt tomorrow.

    a thing with a camera on it.

    to make sure they can see what they need to see i cant have any food in there.

    so i cannot eat food today.

    i have gone through a variety of emotions.

    ive wanted to fight, cry, scream, now im chill for some reason.

    weird because i should be half way through a meeting right now, but my meeting was bumped.

    so im waiting for my meeting to be allowed to take place.

    all i wanna do is go home and cry.

    a nice Jewish girl who i work with pointed at my apple juice and said,

    “you’re having a party right now. once a year we don’t get to eat OR drink anything.”

    that made me feel better.

    she said they also think spiritual things when theyre fasting.

    like they are supposed to think about all the bad things they’ve done that year.

    i was all, ive done a lot more than can be handled in a day.

    the other day though i did something good.

    at the xbi we call it: saved a cat from a tree.

    this cat was in a tree that was on fire.

    afterwards i thought i could just play it off but i had to see a doctor to remove a bullet from my side.

    so i went and ate steak to get some of that meat back.

    its been a week of losing blood, giving blood, eating bloody meat.

    and now eating nothing and being forced to be patient.

    tomorrow theyre gonna put that camera in me and i hope they dont see anything bad.

    im the only bad thing.

  9. Friday, August 12, 2016

    two years ago yesterday we lost a giant 

    Academy-to-Robin-Williams-Genie-youre-free_zpsfc4ec9aathe reason everyone should blog is maybe if everyone blogged we would know when more people are battling things.

    and we’re all battling things.

    some are fighting more serious things than others and need a little more help.

    robin williams was so beloved can you imagine the outpouring of support that he would have had if we had known?

    pretty sure lots of people would have also gotten that love.

    but the first part of it is we have to know.

    life is so very complicated

    it’s better that it’s complicated but it can make it so hard.

    superstars are just like us. they should be more like us. they should write in public. they should use instagram. they should tweet. we should give them a break once in a while though.

    not everyone can afford a social media wunderkind.

    life shouldnt ever be determined by money.

    and it should never be ruined by fame.

    i can’t help thinking if robin williams was a mid level manager he would have gotten the treatment he needed.

    but because he was super famous he thought he had to do something different than everyone else.

    but as sting once said, if only you knew how fragile we are.

  10. Tuesday, July 28, 2015

    got out of my ride and felt stiff 

    randomly searchedis this what getting old is like?

    i drive so much, thats probably the problem. i feel great though. my hands my fingers, my legs. when you have rides all the aches go away.

    but still, i cant go on like this.

    theres a gym across the street from my work im thinking about joining. all i do at lunch is spend money. what a waste.

    may as well run one day. lift the next day. do yoga the third day and get all of this back together.

    i used to be an all star athlete.


    when i walk down the street i dont feel like an old man. i park in a place thats actually a medical facility.

    seeing the old people struggle to get in and out of their cars with the help of their filipino assistances is scary as hell.

    these people didnt look like this when they were my age.

    i dont know if i will live to 90 but if i do i dont want to be the people i see every morning.

    i want to ride my hoverboard to the spot, ollie over a station wagon, jump off of it, and have it flip into my fanny pack.

    like Al Gore intended.

    these are my goals.