ive got two neighbors who are both born on the same day

geminis. both in great shape. we always tease that we should put a hot tub in our courtyard.

its a funny joke because aint no way we have room for such a thing, and we’d probably electrocute ourselves.

recently one of the neighbors got into a terrible cycling accident where she broke her jaw.

shes an ironwoman.

she was telling this to me and her gemini twinsie and i said ok for your birthdays imma get you each a Peloton and we can have them out in the courtyard that way no one gets hurt and you two can keep your lovely figure

and i can lose these spare tires

and we can look at the weird strangers that pass by our complex every day

and you shoulda seen their eyes light up.

my buddy Chris has been on a bike kick for 6-7 years now and he fits into clothes he wore in college when we were so poor we could barely eat.

only way imma get a new girlfriend is if i lose a good 25 pounds

or hit the lottery.

but probably the first thing said new girlfriend will ask me is

wait, you bought your neighbors Pelotons? are you insane?

and i’ll say

oh strap in

the night is young.

i had a hard time sleeping last night

shouldnt i?

death is literally around every corner.

i was at the store last week and i heard someone sneeze and i darted in the opposite direction like it was a shotgun blast

on that trip i also got a covid test in a church parking lot and today they called

but because it was coming from some 714 area code i was all, pass.

they left a message saying they had my test results and i should call back.

i was scared to death! i had been up all night with constipation, and then the opposite and when i wake up in the middle of the night i have a hard time going back to sleep, especially with the world imploding

so i called back asap and they were all, you’re good.

and i wanted to yell: couldn’t you just have texted me that? or emailed? or left that on the message?

why make me call back? i know its a medical thing, but if there’s not a virus, it’s not medical. it’s nothing. it’s the opposite of Anything.

let me check a box off on the form where I let you text me a big thumbs up if im negative.

life doesnt need to be hard.

life is hard enough.

thank God i have Tums and the Lord above looking out for me when im dumb enough to leave my home.

no more home leaving for a while.

dear children of the future

here we are now in the fourth or fifth week of

shelter in place.

youre not really supposed to go outside.

when you do you should wear a mask.

you shouldnt touch anything and when you do you should wash your hands

amber and i go to in n out about once or twice a week

its our big splurge.

my computer is dying which is sad because im one of half of the americans who still has a job and i earn my living from writing on a computer

so i bought a new macbook, air, which should arrive any day now.

it was scary to take that much of a financial investment but i look at it like this, if i was a guitar player id buy a Gibson SG and a nice marshall amp and that would set me back some.

then the other day the government direct deposited pretty much what the computer cost, so im just gonna put that money on the card and we’ll call it even.

now listen future children. politics and one or two right wing networks have planted the seeds of doubt into our fellow country men and women and they dont wanna sit inside any more to stop the spread of this virus.

they want to go back to work and school and doing all the things they were doing before this crazy thing happened

the silent killer i like to call it.

so these last few days theyve gotten outta their houses, climbed into their pickup trucks and what have you and theyve gathered with signs and flags and raised their fists in protest. which is what america is about.

but the weird thing is, they’re protesting science, not politics.

theres not one expert scientist or doctor who recommends leaving the house and getting too close to other people.

and these folks say well what about california, the governor said half of the citizens would get sick, they havent gotten sick which means this is all a hoax

a commie hoax

when they should be saying, well lookit that, staying at home, chilling out, getting money in the mail is actually working

doing nothing does something, fucking a.

it’s almost like theyre mad that it’s working.

damn you hippie science.

damn you nancy pelosi.

and future children,

thats why there aint no more GOP


a year ago today i had the most painful kidney stone

documented beautifully here.

since then ive taken it easy on the Cokes, only one a day max. but usually just half of one.

days like yesterday, none.

it’s weird to have addictions and maybe mine is coca-cola.

id drink three a day if i could.

im jealous of people who can drink a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer and not have any side effects.

my effects are literally in my side.

is it the syrup that fucks me over? coke is mostly water. i see it come out of the fountain at mcdonalds.

maybe my kidney just isn’t perfect and the chemical imbalance with pop screws it up?

who knows.

will this be the thing i ask God about first if im lucky enough to meet him? no.

but it would be nice if in Heaven they go over our body and tell us what the issues Really were and what we should have done to prevent them.

why is my belly so fat? why were my eyes so good. why did booze never affect me negatively? why was i able to get away with so much? was it the xbi? was it genes? speaking of, exactly who was in my family tree? tell me about africa. tell me how so much lightness ended up in the skin of me and my relatives on both sides.

i would love for that recap to happen before all the parties and hoo haw of the afterlife commences.

today i have to go to the police department. we have a neighbor who has been worse in the past, who has tried, but things could be better. one of the things is the sprinklers on their grass. they’re way too high. i get my car washed at least once a week but i can never park over night by this guy because the water literally sprays all the way up the side and on to my roof. thats how powerful they are and how little regard he has about wasting water.

afterwards i need to run back and finish this part of the project. two days ago amber had a little run in with a restaurant that distracted me. yesterday she was home but spent time away from the house enjoying her day off. then we went for a nice walk and went to a $4 Pho joint. we have a simple life.

her pa wants us to join he and his sister for thanksgiving up in thousand oaks. thankfully theyre all ok. i havent been to too many turkey days with a gf’s parents but the ones ive been to were nice. he’s a good guy. former military. big wig. secret. but thats all behind him now. thankfully.

may everything be behind us in due time.

everyone won today, everyone lost

so much happened today i dont even know where to start.

did the american people win? pretty much. those who wanted backwards racists and crooks on their way to jail voted for them, and that’s their right.

those of us who wanted clear thinking leaders and visionaries reluctantly voted for diane feinstein

all i know is auntie maxine is going to show donald trump the back of her hand in so many delicious ways and i know they wanna put diane back in as speaker i think they should give it to maxine because she has been the one saying early and often that she cannot wait to impeach this son of a gun, so let her.

all while giving love to the first black female speaker of the house

i spent a few hours today meeting my new doctor. i had to switch docs once i switched my health plan. so they gave me the whole physical and even stuck a thing up my, and i was all, when did this procedure begin and they said about a year ago.

and i was like, well since we now know each other… she and the young doctor who was shadowing her marveled at how young i appeared and i pointed to the nearby burger king and i said, fast food 4x a week, mixed with loud music, and a sweet gf who’s down for whatever and you too will sustain this glow.

how much do you exercise?




how often are you in front of a computer?

12 hours a day.

do you wear glasses?


can you read minds?

since 1992.

we shook hands and agreed to shave the mole from my head because it was probably an xbi transmitter

a procedure that is scheduled for next week. so if i disappear, you know who to blame.

i was so sick last week

and then i went to the urgent care and the dude told me to bend over and pull down my pants

and i was all, so this is what it’s come to?

and he gave me a shot into one cheek

and another in the other cheek

and he gave me a bunch of pills

and he said drink lots of water and pray to the Lord

and kiss that pretty girl i see on your blog

and i swear to you within an hour i could feel the Good fighting the Evil

and i was all, Work Bitch Work!

the night before i had coughed so much i began puking. i coughed so much one of my cats shut the bathroom door because i was disturbing her.

i was coughing so much my lungs were hurting and my throat was sore and i was running out of TP

but then after visiting the urgent care there i was healthy, feeling like Robert Plant on the balcony of the Riot Hyatt in ’73

i could eat again, sing again, dance again.

we are such fragile, sensitive, weird little sacks of miracles.

tiny doses of chemicals can alter us so much, just like how the meanest sneer can bum our days.

i never want to be the reason anyone feels down

except for those jackasses on twitter who are probably russian bots

i want to be the booty shot of love.

i wanna be your miracle drug.

think good thoughts.

im starving

theyre gonna put a thing up my butt tomorrow.

a thing with a camera on it.

to make sure they can see what they need to see i cant have any food in there.

so i cannot eat food today.

i have gone through a variety of emotions.

ive wanted to fight, cry, scream, now im chill for some reason.

weird because i should be half way through a meeting right now, but my meeting was bumped.

so im waiting for my meeting to be allowed to take place.

all i wanna do is go home and cry.

a nice Jewish girl who i work with pointed at my apple juice and said,

“you’re having a party right now. once a year we don’t get to eat OR drink anything.”

that made me feel better.

she said they also think spiritual things when theyre fasting.

like they are supposed to think about all the bad things they’ve done that year.

i was all, ive done a lot more than can be handled in a day.

the other day though i did something good.

at the xbi we call it: saved a cat from a tree.

this cat was in a tree that was on fire.

afterwards i thought i could just play it off but i had to see a doctor to remove a bullet from my side.

so i went and ate steak to get some of that meat back.

its been a week of losing blood, giving blood, eating bloody meat.

and now eating nothing and being forced to be patient.

tomorrow theyre gonna put that camera in me and i hope they dont see anything bad.

im the only bad thing.

two years ago yesterday we lost a giant

Academy-to-Robin-Williams-Genie-youre-free_zpsfc4ec9aathe reason everyone should blog is maybe if everyone blogged we would know when more people are battling things.

and we’re all battling things.

some are fighting more serious things than others and need a little more help.

robin williams was so beloved can you imagine the outpouring of support that he would have had if we had known?

pretty sure lots of people would have also gotten that love.

but the first part of it is we have to know.

life is so very complicated

it’s better that it’s complicated but it can make it so hard.

superstars are just like us. they should be more like us. they should write in public. they should use instagram. they should tweet. we should give them a break once in a while though.

not everyone can afford a social media wunderkind.

life shouldnt ever be determined by money.

and it should never be ruined by fame.

i can’t help thinking if robin williams was a mid level manager he would have gotten the treatment he needed.

but because he was super famous he thought he had to do something different than everyone else.

but as sting once said, if only you knew how fragile we are.

got out of my ride and felt stiff

randomly searchedis this what getting old is like?

i drive so much, thats probably the problem. i feel great though. my hands my fingers, my legs. when you have rides all the aches go away.

but still, i cant go on like this.

theres a gym across the street from my work im thinking about joining. all i do at lunch is spend money. what a waste.

may as well run one day. lift the next day. do yoga the third day and get all of this back together.

i used to be an all star athlete.


when i walk down the street i dont feel like an old man. i park in a place thats actually a medical facility.

seeing the old people struggle to get in and out of their cars with the help of their filipino assistances is scary as hell.

these people didnt look like this when they were my age.

i dont know if i will live to 90 but if i do i dont want to be the people i see every morning.

i want to ride my hoverboard to the spot, ollie over a station wagon, jump off of it, and have it flip into my fanny pack.

like Al Gore intended.

these are my goals.