nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, July 19, 2015

    you wanna make me laugh? tell me what i can do on the busblog 


    true story: today someone auditioned to be the editor of this blog.

    they were all: you stop writing about me this instant!

    i was like: OMG LOL ROFL

    this blog has been around for centuries. maybe longer. ive done everything possible with this thing

    IMG_0564except one: let someone else decide shit here.

    my mom, the person i love the most in life, she has notes about the world famous

    she tells them to me all the time “you seem too sad” “why do you swear so much?” “will you please stop writing about the xbi?” “was that really the best photo you could have used?”


    and i listen to her say the words but i tell her ma i put nothing in here is true for you. you and you only. now its for you and you mostly. and i love her and i want her to be proud of me but no way can she be the executive editor of this.

    so imagine when someone who is not my mother today not just asked but demanded that i do or not do something in this semi holy text? JUST IMAGINE!

    dear person: you are ill. you are not thinking right. you know what you need to do and you wont do it.

    it is not kill yourself. it is not act a fool. it is not avoid.

    it is go to the place where they cure what you have and get it cured.

    here are three things that you should not say to yourself about why you cant be cured

    1. bullshit about time

    2. malarkey about money

    3. anything about me

    a year ago almost to this day we saw young jeanine whine and bitch and scream and freak out and the two things she went on and on about were regarding to time and money

    jimi and the monkeesthe lamest excuses the devil could ever put in our mouths.

    and we did not listen to her. why? because she was being a crazy person who didnt really have a job and didnt really have a place to live and the world would be better and she would be better if she just did the right thing and jump into rehab. (which she did, thank god, praise Jesus)

    well you, would-be busblog editor, are in the same boat. thats not a real job for someone your age and for sure thats not a real place to live.

    which are not insults meant to hurt, those are observations from the world laser beamed to your heart via the busblog, purveyor of truth disguised as delicious poetry.

    where you are is not where you think you are. you are in a very bad place and you are having a spotlight shined on it and boo hoo too bad, so what, now what

    go: to the place: to get: cured.

    you are being boring and typical and cliche and you are better than that.

    you have seen the light and now you are turning your back on it. that is not only disrespectful but borderline sinful.

    babies cry in heaven when they even hear that this is going on down here.

    stop it. this minute. fix it. fucking fix it. go to the place and take on the issue that causes the issue and you will be free to do the scariest thing you have been avoiding for a decade:

    your actual fucking life.

    and to hell with everyone you know who is not saying the same.

    they are not on your team.

    this is the word of the busblog.

  2. Monday, May 11, 2015

    shout out to my man don frances 


    many moons ago i was a happy bachelor living alone on 24th and Potrero in the mission district.

    i had a sweet 1BD apt with a fireplace, dishwasher, washer drier in the bathroom. i even had a balcony that overlooked a church.

    god i was happy.

    but then don (pictured with the sexy glasses) and charlie knocked on my door and invited me to move to 591 haight street and live with them in a huge victorian.

    5 bedrooms and one little bathroom.

    i said no of course. why would i leave my beautiful pad? they said because of all the cool people youre gonna meet. including the women!

    i said oh im up to my neck in women. all they do is come over and love me and dance around and then go home. it’s like heaven!

    lies they said (and they were right) so i packed up my entire apartment and moved into one room!

    i had a terrific time and fell in love with the truest and moved outta the haight house with her and never looked back, except for all the time.

    now i hear Don has just had open heart surgery!

    he’s ok, but a prayer would be nice.

    keep Don safe and strong, Lord



  3. Friday, April 24, 2015

    funny thing happened in the desert 


    in the middle of the tornado of drinking rocking eating not sleeping came a still soft voice in the wilderness

    it said tony you may not realize this but there are lots of people who love you

    (i did not know this)

    and you should take care of yourself because we want you around for the duration.

    in one hand was a deep fried jack in the box taco

    in the other was a super big gulp of coke.

    and below that was my bulging belly.


    it was eerie how the voice knew that i had given up on my health.

    somehow it knew i hadn’t been hiking any more, hadnt been dating since the blonde.

    and sorta chucked everything except for my job and a half.

    but desert voices know all, which is why they’re so valuable.

    and why we miss out when we dont go out there to retune our heartstrings.

    so yesterday i went to whole foods and made a salad.

    and only drank a quarter can of pop.

    drove less and slept more.

    you know, all the things you promise yrself on new years.


    i dont know what i was rebelling against other than the xbi.

    i didnt want myself to be recruitable.

    also i wanted the ladies to love me for my heart, not my abs.

    even though my heart was being corroded by corn syrup and mediocrity.

    its funny how we can be our own worst enemy.

    not funny ha ha but funny oh crap i cant even fit into my pj pants.


    this week ive been unsubscribing from junk mails

    which isnt exactly the same as hiking, but its baby steps.

    but sunday i’ll see you at runyon, terrible big hill.

  4. Friday, November 21, 2014

    went to the doc for a while 


    he said he had some bad news.

    he said i need to quit the xbi.

    i told him i wasnt in the xbi.

    he said i couldnt even work part time for them, not even for little quickies.

    i said the xbi doesnt even exist.

    he said seriously you need to relax.

    he said if you are in need of money and thats why you work for them now and then, you need to do something else, like write books, screenplays,

    anything that wont raise your heart rate.

    i said i feel like im the coolest cucumber in the shopping cart.

    he said these tests say otherwise.

    ive been in a daze ever since.

  5. Sunday, June 22, 2014
  6. Friday, May 23, 2014

    mary, the biggest party girl on the wessside, had recently escaped rehab 


    i hadnt seen her in a while. i was at coachella when she told me she was entering a swanky beachside facility for a month.

    a few weeks ago she texted me saying i need an uber i gotta get out of this place.

    apparently the beachside malibu resort-style valhalla was too much for her.

    the trips to trader joes, the massages, the kingsized suite wasn’t what she hoped for

    what she really wanted was to see her beloved dog and sleep in her own bed and get back to work.

    she also wanted to turn over a new leaf, stop hanging out with the party people in her life

    and start doing more wholesome, healthy pursuits like throwing dinner parties with miss universe contestants

    like me and my buddy todd.



    im not a dinner party expert and when mary said all you have to do is wash the dishes, the girls and i will cook i was all, should i bring pie?

    apparently im the last person in LA who eats pie.

    so she sent me a text with a photo of a certain black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream and said i could bring that

    ah yes, talenti gelato.

    we grilled fish, steak, miss greece arrived with kale and watermelon, two delightful sisters were there

    the conversations were spicy and real, and mary shared stories with us about kicking the habit.

    before we knew it it was midnight and todd had to run home to feed his cat.

    was i obnoxious? duh. will i get invited back next time? probably not.

    but i did help dry the dishes and it was really nice to see mary dialed down a notch or two

    and seemingly healthier and happier, which is what its all about.

    ps that gelato was amazing.

  7. Monday, April 28, 2014

    i read about a DJ who died today of bad health who was younger than me 


    so i took the elevator downstair, past the women who came to see the DVF exhibit in their DVF wrap dresses

    and i walked to the salad joint to get a salad cuz im unhealthy and old and stupid and dumb

    and i have $11 burning a hole in my pocket


    some people just buy sliced and cut fruit from the fruit amigo but i like to eat my vegetables and drink my fruits

    even though thats probably against the skinny girl cocktail way of life which is typical

    eat my shorts


    when i win the lottery im just gonna eat mail order steak anyways and die in a digusting heap

    next to my Miró fountain of ginger ale

    a real artist, btw would only work with corn syrup, btw, fwiw, lol, brb, kthnxbi


    theres two paths you can go down in life, my lifecoach Pierre told me,

    you can be mediocre

    or be fabulously mediocre and advertise.


    which means for me paying an extra buck for extra avocado

    and winking at the girl for free eggs

    the Coke is only there for color.

  8. Thursday, March 27, 2014

    before i went to the tax man i went to the atm to see how much i could afford to pay 

    darth everything

    i hadnt worked most of the year, but at the beginning i got some lump payments

    and then none of my unemployment was taxed, plus i sold a bunch of stock to keep the spring break rolling.

    surely i was going to have to pay a few grand to uncle scam

    but alas, the xbi “h&r block” turned my frown upside down and ive got over a grand coming back to me

    just from the golden state. so thank you jerry brown for not taxing unemployment.

    i will be toasting you from the vip tent at coachella right before the replacements take the stage.

    even though i know i’ll never play the lottery i do it anyways because lucky days happen

    the only question is how much do you have on the table when your number hits.

    i drive around and look at abandoned buildings and think of what id do if i bought it.

    there used to be this place on fountain and normandie – a mud wrestling place.

    its been shuttered for years and years. strange, because you can see it from the hollywood freeway

    youd think any advertisement you could paint on your wall would pay the rent all by itself.

    but no it sits there empty maybe because its right up against a residential neighborhood

    and people would whine if drunks made too much noise in the parking lot.

    found out from my pee doctor that the pee test i took was fine

    he was a little disappointed that i delivered 2.5 liters of urine during the 24 hour test.

    he says 2 is normal and i might be over doing it with the water, which is nice.

  9. Thursday, March 6, 2014
  10. Monday, February 24, 2014

    made some bad mistakes at work today 

    kyla and tyler in 2008 and now i wanna puke.

    i was home sick bc i didnt wanna get anyone else sick today. but the show must go on.

    so i sat in my bed with the tv off and just worked and worked and worked.

    most of it was fun because, well, it’s fun to be needed and know what youre doing.

    but some things i forgot about and one thing was a total collapse of reason.

    and murphys law the wrong people saw it and i got a phone call and that only made me feel worse.

    do you know how many mistakes i made in a year and a half at LAist? maybe 3.

    at the Times, in 3 1/2 years: maybe 4. one of them was trusting someone untrustworthy so maybe 5. but that one counted big.

    i dont know why im sick or what kind of sick this is but it’s a weird one. usually my nose is all runny and it eventually effs with my throat and then i’ll get a cough and then i’ll barf it out and then im good. a 3-4 day process. but this one is different.

    0drunkgirlthe nose only slightly runs and the cough is like a ghost cough. like a reaction to the idea of being sick more than actually being it. my body aches for no reason but i am sleeping like mad. and then i get these waves of nausea. i should probably just hurl.

    i was feeling really low and a pretty girl liked something on my insta so i wrote her and said send me a picture and make my day and bingo she did and it was the best picture ive ever seen of her.

    and then out of the blue another girl started chatting with me while i was eating lunch and said she wanted to have my babies. and she looked terrific so i said fine. who cares. who the hell cares any more. im not getting any younger. i should just say yes to who ever is crazy enough to want whatever ive got, which right now is a filthy house and some thai food delivery on the way.

    if the kids look anything like my niece and nephew, pictured, then id be stoked.

    i need to get better soon though and i need to stop making mistakes because i really dont think imma win the lottery any time soon. it looks so much easier on tv.