nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, March 6, 2019

    walked in the rain 

    what else you gonna do.

    saw a dude. saw another dude.

    saw a dude on a bike, lots of junk in his baskets. smelled of cigarrets.

    he said what, then said who? he was talking to a parked car.

    mike? oh hey mike.

    then he turned to a woman with short hair on the other side of the street.

    rebecca! he yelled. you’re so stupid!

    and i walked past rebecca, who was still unsure. mike?

    but she crossed the street anyway.

    i guess the dude was right about her.

  2. Thursday, January 24, 2019

    today we went into a true discount store 

    they had like five or six racks outside their door with clothes for $2 and $5. so i went in.

    amber stayed out front because she was in heaven. the store was named something in spanish.

    i do not know spanish.

    i see racks of pajama bottoms. my favorite. everythings $3. i get two pairs that look like they should have always been that price, but one of the tags is still on it and says $32. are you kidding?

    but then i go the wall. i see shirts. i am up to my nostrils in shirts but i see a tag on the shirts too. all walmart tags that say $9. these people are selling them for $3.

    imagine youre a shirt and somehow all the customers of walmart pass on you. impossible you say? this shirt says $4 now.

    still not cheap enough for me.

    todavía no es lo suficientemente barato para mí.

    but i did buy an extra tall curtain, so no crazy ass fools try to peep inside my dreamland.

  3. Tuesday, January 22, 2019

    some dude tried to break into my apartment 

    it was 5am. i was trying to get the Oscar noms on my tv. i use Roku on my sets and i figured the Academy via YouTube would bring it to my biggest screen in the living room.

    when in the window behind the tv i see this dude with a cigarette peering through. my cats noticed too and perked up. even they havent seen people in my little courtyard at that hour… looking in to us.

    he went to the door and you could hear a key or something in the lock. was he trying to pick it? then the door handle rattle.

    i perked up. i said,

    yo this is not the door you want.

    it rattled again. i said.


    dude logic. i was improvising.

    he kept fiddling with it and i got my baseball bat and called 911. heres why. only thing i have of value in my house is amber and a 5 pack of Old Style. if he’s outside the cops can get him. if he gets inside i want the cops to know the description of the one to bring to jail.

    it took a suprisingly long time to explain to the operator what was happening. she asked all these detailed questions like weight. who am i, a circus freak on the midway? its dark and hes wearing a black leather jacket. he could have a six pack or a pony keg in there. i just hope he doesnt have a gun.

    then it took a suprsingly long time for the cops to come. half the oscar noms were announced. spike lee was probably already picking out which sneakers he was gonna be wearing for oscar sunday.

    when they did come they crossed paths with him but because he was carrying a guitar case and mumbling that he was waiting to get an uber they let him pass by.

    they got to my door and i said, thats him.

    they looked at me as if to say, waiting on an uber is the get out of jail free card.

    i asked, is it against the law to try to break into a house? cop said yeah. but no one was arrested.

    and now ive gotta see a melissa mccarthy movie where she isnt trying to make me laugh?

    my neighbor texted me today saying he owes me a steak because the drunk was his friend i said make it two steaks i nearly killed him.

    he said bet.

  4. Thursday, December 27, 2018

    here comes a regular 

    if theres one thing the Bible’s taught me is to give to beggars

    today after food shopping at the Jon’s, this car pulls up as amber and i were pushing our cart in the dark parking lot

    hey man sorry to bother you i just really need some food for my wife and kids you can write down the license plate of the car if you want

    i asked for a moment. we finished rolling to my trunk. amber gave me two bucks and i gave it to the guy. all warm in his car.

    and he rolled away.

    a drive by begging.

  5. Monday, November 12, 2018

    when in rome, ask a lot of questions 

    i had to do this thing in Hollywood this morning and i found myself doing the thing that i used to tell people to do.

    comic book legend Stan Lee died. i was really close to hollywood and highland where all these cartoon characters hang out shaking down tourists for money.

    i had this crazy idea that all the Marvel ones (the hulk, iron man, black panther, black widow, captain america, wolverine, etc) might be hanging out at his star because thats where the fans would go, no?

    no. turned out neither of the spider men knew even who Stan was

    but fortunately there was a Cap and a Logan who totally knew what was up and were willing to talk to me quickly so i could get a few quotes, take a few pics, and zip it over to LAist before lunch.

    it was startling how easy the words came out of me in writing this little thing. with LAist i know exactly what humor to inject and where the line is. bing bang boom it was over before it started which was great because i had a big day planned for me for the secret project.

    the talented mike roe, comic book expert had just posted his obit, so it fit nicely under the tweets. teamwork makes the dream work and they were able to move on to more pressing issues like these damn fires.

    read the whole thing here.

  6. Saturday, June 16, 2018

    i drove a big powerful movie executive on thursday 

    everything about her was smooth.

    perfectly dressed. great sunglasses.

    picked her up somewhere classy, dropped her off at a studio.

    the whole time she was on the phone with this one and that one

    and she was happy and smart and eloquent

    and so insightful about this big director

    and how to tell in an email if he had been drinking

    because if he had you can disregard the tone.

    she and i never talked but by piecing together the cast of characters

    it was easy to find her imdb.

    and when i got to where she had started in hollywood

    i totally understood why she had such an even keeled disposition.

    cuz that show was incredible.

    even though i worked at e! and now where i do,

    i have learned way more about hollywood from driving people in an out of century city

    for uber

    because these people are always on the phone

    and this city is way smaller than it appears.

    i just wish i knew who they were first because we would have better convos.

  7. Monday, September 11, 2017

    sometimes youre buying pillows at Fallas Paredes discount store 

    and you’re waiting in a line that wont move and amber says hey im gonna get some bananas at the Jons and i’ll meet you outside.

    and you wait and you wait and as you’re waiting you hear the booming sounds of what appears to be a band playing.

    now you’re old enough to remember when rock music used to float through the air all the time.

    but those times are long gone.

    so when you connect with her outside you say, hey lets go over to that alley to see what local schmos are about to get shut down because clearly this music is too loud.

    and as you walk with your pillows and bananas

    you see a tiny little crowd in the alley are looking over a fence

    and you get closer and notice theres an entire parking lot fenced off with a huge catering situation. really good smelling food and people in chefs outfits scrambling.

    then you see a security guard but not in a cheesy Don Knotts outfit but a suit and tie like the Secret Service. and he’s guarding the back of what appears to be a stage.

    and then you hear what has to be the worlds greatest Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band break into “Under The Bridge”

    and someone nods their head.

    and you see Flea’s head bounce above the fence.

    and then you realize, uh, this is one of rock’s biggest bands playing 10 feet away from you

    playing one huge hit after another.

    so you keep standing there with 5-6 others and no one moves you and no one tells you to get lost

    and amber goes to a woman smoking by the back door

    and the woman says,

    Randy Newman is coming on next.

    and you’re all,

    you mean one of my favorite musicians of all time?

    you mean the same guy who I chose to see over seeing Stevie Ray Vaughn w/ BB King or The Who because they were all playing the same night in 1991 in LA


    and even though i sorta regret never seeing SRV, i thoroughly enjoyed seeing Randy at the Universal Ampitheater that night.

    and the stars say yes.

    but it was taking a while.

    and two college aged kids came out through the back entrance. past the secret service dude.

    and i say, hey is it true that Randy Newman is on next.

    and they say are you kidding us right now?

    i say no, youre in there do you know if anyone else is playing?

    and they say, oh youre serious? we are Randy’s children.

    and we LOL and chat and i tell them to tell their dad that he’s amazing.

    and 10 minutes later Randy walks from a car to that back entrance and plays.

    and as he does Chad Smith from the Chili’s has a smoke and a chat and poses with Amber Smith and then puts on his motorcycle helmet and hops on his bike and zooms home

    into the hills of Hollywood.

    where 100% true stories like this happen.

  8. Monday, August 14, 2017

    ive seen a lot of things in my life and im only half way done 

    one thing ive seen is the magic power of the people.


    ive also see the magic power of super terrible d bags.

    other day i was walking down my street and this family was walking their new puppy.

    puppy squats down and unloads a big steaming log.

    nice old asian lady was watching to see what they were gonna do because it was gross.

    family just kept moving.

    lady yells PICK UP AFTER DOG


    the dad placed his cigarette into his mouth and raised his hand up in the air and flipped her a bird.

    my mouth was agape.

    old lady’s mouth was agape!

    even the little puppy’s mouth was agape because even the puppy knew you shouldnt flip off old ladies.

    then from above us the clouds grew dark, congregated, shook a little

    and then lightning struck the dad dead right there on Cahuenga.

    a little smoke rose from his heap.

    the dog sniffed the dad only to be tugged away by the leash which was now being held by the mom.

    the family began walking again.

    old lady yelled PICK UP AFTER DAD





  9. Tuesday, May 2, 2017

    life is so fragile, even at the beginning 

    Jimble Kimble is my favorite late night host

    he is the everyman who worked his way up from radio to the Man Show to somehow making his way as Adam Carolla’s side kick to Howard Stern’s BFF and the host of the Oscars

    he took every step the way you’d want. He hired his high school BFF to lead his band (along with his buddy’s dad), his Cousin Sal does bits, his wife writes his jokes, his ex girlfriend is a regular guest, we hear about his mom, his Aunt Chippy, and he has made his little security guard Guillermo a star on his own.

    the selflessness is beautiful.

    he even built a concert stage behind his studio so when bands play a couple hundred of their fans can enjoy the mini concert.

    last night Jimmy shared something so scary. His newborn son was born with a heart disease. They rushed from Ceders in Beverly Hills to Childrens Hospital blocks from my house.

    This hospital deserves all the praise. I’ve never heard anything but giant praise from them. I need to give them all of my video games.

    So many prayers for Jimmy and his family.

  10. Friday, June 3, 2016

    ive lived in hollywood for fifteen years and never been to paramount 


    some of my favorite movies and tv shows were made here like

    The Brady Bunch




    Forrest Gump

    Family Ties

    Happy Days

    Mork & Mindy

    Sunset Blvd


    Rear Window


    Duck Soup

    Breakfast at Tiffany’s


    The Godfather

    Citizen Kane


    Coming to America


    IMG_0054The Bad News Bears


    Beverly Hills Cop

    Iron Man

    and endless others

    and for some reason i’d never been there.

    yesterday someone said that we really needed about 30 to 50 Baby Trombones

    and someone else said he thought he saw some at Paramount

    no one wanted to go because the place is huge, where would you find them,

    and how weird would people think you are if you asked them?

    so i volunteered as tribute and it was super hot.  and bigger than i thought it would be.

    there were bikes and golf carts everywhere. but none said busblog on them. so i walked, and walked and walked.

    did i mention how hot it was today?

    while it was fascinating walking down the “New York Street”, because im a weirdo,

    i liked seeing the empty stages better.

    they were giant and they were totally barren inside.

    my imagine ran wild.

    outside each of the stages they had a little plaque listing all of the movies and tv shows that had been filmed in there.

    every stage had an impressive plaque. IMG_0051

    i walked past the bungalows with the execs,

    i strolled past the writers rooms, editing, costumes, set design

    and then i saw it

    just sitting there on a loading dock

    and just as many as what we were looking for

    but i hadnt been there very long so i kept walking around

    heres the funny thing

    if you live in LA, especially hollywood or the west side, you’re gonna see a celebrity from time to time.

    you might even find yourself interacting with them because, you know,

    stars, theyre just like us.

    i walked around freaking paramount

    for maybe two hours

    and i didnt see one star.

    as far as i know

    but heres the funny thing

    i turned the corner and there was the kogi truck

    and i nearly fainted out of true love.

    then i heard gun shots

    and i snapped right out of it

    but then i saw a sign

    simulated gunfire

    so i sat down to chill

    it was hot