nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, April 27, 2015

    they called it the bates motel because it’s on sunset and bates 


    ive lived in hollywood a long time and as long as ive been here it’s been abandoned


    in the early days of the abandonment hookers used it as their offices


    later crackheads used it to do their business.


    after a while they boarded it up and it became the home for ghosts and bad memories


    the only time something pleasant happened near it was when the Sunset Junction Street Fair would rock out near it


    but then one thing led to another and greed seeped it followed by a flood of ignorance


    and the Sunset Junction Street Fair ended and the Bates Motel fell into absolute disrepair


    until last week when an artist had a vision to paint it all white


    even the trees. and now so many people have shown up to look at it in awe that theres bad traffic there



  2. Monday, March 30, 2015

    i had a fantastic weekend of driving, sushi, and friends 


    saturday was the two year anniversary of Little Joy and it was also Lily’s birthday.

    in attendance were many LA Times youngsters and even Sarah’s bff Lindsay who showed me her unlimited Tap pass because she works for Metro and loves taking the bus everywhere.

    so jeals


    earlier in the day i said goodbye to Andy who is moving back to Chicago. mark, audrey and mr. fluffy helped him polish off some carne at his bbq right by the beach.


    he gave me an awesome Taschen book about the Police in 80-83 (their best years.)


    back to Lily, she had a pinata but no stick so she violently bashed it against the riser in the back secret room and glow sticks and dinosaurs flew out which was a wonderful surprise.


    sarah as always looked beautiful but moreso than ever.

    i drank and drank and later walked down to my favorite taco truck and got two for the road.


    before all of that i ubered for 10 hours on saturday and hit my goal on my last ride with this handsome british actor who is starring in a Fox pilot loosely based on when Rivers of Weezer quit the band to go to Harvard.

    i was all bro youre way too handsome to play Rivers

    he said, welcome to Hollywood, G!

  3. Tuesday, January 20, 2015

    theres a guy who wants to build a restaurant bar 200 feet from my apartment 

    pete rose

    he swears he wants to form a bond with the neighbors here.

    yet he has his guys jackhammer the building starting at 8am on saturday

    and now 8:45am on tuesday.

    while its nice that he gave his workers MLK day off, it’s weird that he thinks hes going to make friends by waking everyone up on saturdays.

    how did pete rose get banned from baseball and yet dickweeds and imbeciles get to own parts of hollywood, do ridiculous things selfishly

    and think they can just have whatever they want.

    i wrote a letter a while ago that said if he tries to squeeze this thing into our hood, a place that already has major parking issues

    im just gonna call the cops every night for disturbing the peace

    and i only lie on this blog

  4. Tuesday, January 13, 2015

    pretty girl said if your dishes are clean i’ll come over tomorrow 

    wrestlingso there i was at 2am this morning doing my dishes.

    then i heard what sounded like an angry knock at my door. AT 2AM!

    i knew it wasnt her because getting her to come over is an intense chess match that rarely ends in anything other than a draw, meaning she stops texting and i fall asleep on the couch.




    my cats scattered away from the door and as i got closer to it i saw what looked like a rhino

    trying to push through the door.

    it was a wallop like ive never seen before.

    WHAT THE FUCK! i screamed, automatically, beastmode style. pure animalistically.

    the visitor heard my shout and ran down my stairs and towards my next door neighbor’s place.

    then i heard glass shatter. no kidding. not lying.

    my neighbor is a beautiful woman and petite and she lives alone. her front door, unlike mine, is french glass. mostly glass.

    i was terrified the brute had broken down her door and was headed up her stairs to kill her – or worse!

    first i dialed her number, but after two rings i called 9-1-1 instead.

    soon the cops had arrived but the creep was gone.

    turned out he was a young blond man with a hoodie, a drunk. who the cops nor the church members ever caught.

    but it did get all of us neighbors out of our comfort zones to introduce ourselves to each other.

    and made me try to remember where i put my aluminum baseball bat

    which i couldnt find last night in a split second.

    it’s weird when you’re the scaredest youve ever been and all you can find is a hand axe.

  5. Monday, November 3, 2014

    sophia loren wont autograph this picture but she’ll talk about it 

    Loren and Mansfield

    Entertainment Weekly has the scoop on one of the most classic photos from classic Hollywood: the time Sophia Loren was introduced to Jayne Mansfield.

    EW: This photo was taken when you were still very new to Hollywood.

    SOPHIA LOREN: Yes, Paramount had organized a party for me. All of cinema was there, it was incredible. And then comes in Jayne Mansfield, the last one to come. For me, that was when it got amazing.

    EW: What did she do when she got there?

    SL: She came right for my table. She knew everyone was watching. She sat down. And now, she was barely… Listen. Look at the picture. Where are my eyes? I’m staring at her nipples because I am afraid they are about to come onto my plate. In my face you can see the fear. I’m so frightened that everything in her dress is going to blow—BOOM!—and spill all over the table.

    Find out why Loren won’t sign this picture over at EW.

  6. Thursday, July 24, 2014

    i had a really good day today 

    ocean park

    achieved a goal at real work.
    ate an umami burger at lunch.
    drove some cool people around LA.
    ate a good turkeyburger at carls jr.

    came home to the two fluffy cats waiting for me.
    when its hot the bowls of water run out fast
    they want that as much as they want the food
    but they do this super weird thing.
    they walk between my legs as if they Wanted to trip me.
    they zig as i zag and if i stop they stop.
    we both know we’re going to my front door to get the mail
    and then get them their food and beers.
    now they jump into my house and investigate as i get the grub.
    then the shy one bounds out from under the house and circles my porch.

    all of their meows are bizarre. not one of them has a normal one.
    huge flying cockroach came outta the food bag and climbed up my arm.
    i screamed like a 6th grade girl which super freaked out scaredy cat.
    i hunted down that cockroachbeast, killed it, and kicked its guts outside
    i know it’s dry out there fellas but theres plenty of food
    and water and everything right behind the thai restaurant, seriously.

    then remembered danielle had blogged for the first time in forever
    and man was it good, but man was it sad.
    give yr girl a shoutout the next time you say your prayers.

  7. Thursday, July 10, 2014

    i learn a lot at my real job like this today: 

    marlene dietrichturns out marlene dietrich was a violin player before she was an actress

    she also played the piano and sang,

    thus when you see her in the Blue Angel thats really her.

    she said she wore “mannish” clothes because women in Europe did in the daytime.

    she said she loved bloggers and blogging and flying high above LA.

    she said she didn’t like to talk unless she had something to say.

    back in the day gossip columnists were way more powerful than they are today. so much so that the stars would go on their radio shows so they could tell their stories without the filter of the MSM.

    one day she was on the radio with Louella Parsons, a popular gossip columnist talking about being relatively new to Hollywood. this is how she ended her interview.

    Parsons: Do you find it easy to combine the duties of motherhood with those of being a successful actress?

    Dietrich: Yes, I do, because my daughter is the greatest incentive I could possibly have. I have never been so happy in my life as since I’ve had her.

    Parsons: Do you think little Maria will be an actress or a musician?

    Dietrich: I hope that she will have enough talent to become an actress because I think it is the most beautiful and interesting career a woman can have. And now, Miss Parsons, I would like to say goodnight. You see, I promised to tell my little daughter a story before she goes to bed and it’s getting late.

    marlene dietrich lived to be 90 years old and worked much of that time, she said to make money.

    i hope when im old im doing it for the same reason im doing it now: because i love it and i love being around smart people who are nice.

    the picture on the right is marlene supporting the troops back in the day.

  8. Sunday, June 15, 2014

    word is the power house is fixing to close at the end of the month 

    powerhouse back in the day

    my fondest memory of the power house was many moons ago.

    i hadnt seen the cuban girl in quite a while and i messaged her on myspace i think

    and we agreed to meet at hollywood dingiest dirtiest dive bar on highland just north of hollywood blvd.

    ever since i met her i thought she was so beautiful but the bible says thats a big fakeout

    it says look at peoples hearts like jesus does.

    she had a beautiful heart and for some reason she told me to eff off every time i said we should date again.

    she reminded me that i was a loser and i didnt have a good job and my jokes were terrible

    i said yes all of those things are true. but i never cheated on you. and we had fun.

    and we saw strange and unusual things plus so many rock shows.

    some of which were gross and horrible, she reminded me.

    and she said no again.

    and thats how we started dating again for a little while.

    so yes i will be sad to see that armpit go

    with its terrible booths where you can feel the springs.

    the last time i was in there i saw a very short black man dressed exactly like mr t.

  9. Tuesday, May 20, 2014

    all these pictures, i took today 


    the best ride was the last ride so lets start there and see what we can do about the girl who might be on drugs,

    the corporate insurance executive, the sweet korean father and daughter

    and the others who have slipped my mind.

    10396526_10152413027258057_665450099_n it was 9:45pm and i was at the burbank in n out. the good news is it’s cheap and delicious. the bad news is you really dont want your car to smell of fast food, especially french fries because in a weird way its like a huge tease to your passengers.

    so if i ever get french fries i take the rest of the day off of driving.

    for some reason i didnt eat on the way home. i just sat in the car in the parking lot and fully enjoyed the hot fries, the sweet ketchup, the cheeseburger

    and A. Martinez with co-host Metta World Peace talking about basketball on the radio.

    the food was fantastic and Metta was so outrageous. he was saying teams should just throw seasons after seasons and get a bunch of top draft picks. he was saying that San Antonio does great because the coach knows every player in the US is dumb so he gets europeans and wins wins wins. he was telling all of us to stop our cars and listen to his points.

    it was the best radio ive heard in a very long time.

    feeling good, i finished my meal, stepped outside the car, deposited my trash, and went in the in n out bathroom to complete the transaction and as i was in there i took a selfie cuz the filthy mirror was all dude How old are you?

    maybe it was the milkshake talking but suddenly i had a second wind and i figured ok even though im way out here in burbank maybe theres someone who wants to go to hollywood. i drove through the cute little shopping district, watched everyone enjoying their night, and headed toward the freeway onrap.

    just then i got beeped, which made me a little nervous because i dont really know the streets of burbank

    but figured, between them and the GPS we’ll figure it out.

    drove a mile and fiddled on my iphone waiting for “samantha” and before i knew it she was walking towards the car

    and i was all, nice.

    she comes in and sits next to me and says, we’re going to hollywood but first i need to pick up my friend.

    and i was all, niiiice.


    so i said whats going on in hollywood.

    she said nothing, just a bad day, a bad week, a bad year.

    i was like, well you lucked out with the greatest uber driver in the world who is about to play you any song you want.

    samantha was all whatever you want.

    i said no come on who’s your favorite band.

    she said avenged sevenfold.


    at the stop sign i messed with my iphone in a certain way that soon avenged was on the car radio


    whats your favorite band she asked me. it was good that she was sitting up there next to me.

    i said, well im a million years old, so its probably the band that paved the way for avenged.

    metallica she asked

    ac/dc i said.

    but we talked about metallica any way. because she said avenged’s new album sounds lots like metallica.

    so i found that record and we rocked out as we headed to her friends house.


    i said if youre a rocker chick and you wanna drink in hollywood how about Toothless or Dandy Lion

    she said nah i was thinking about this new orleans place, 504.

    i was all whaaat? you need some rock in your life, what about Loaded?

    she was like we always go there. bored. over it. maybe hemingways.

    we pulled into her friends driveway and i said is that a guest house in the back there?

    she said, yep.

    i said, i think thats the american dream, a house in a nice neighborhood with a little house in the back.

    she said, well the armenian dream is for your daughter to get married and move into that little house.

    i went, armenian girls want to live in their backyards? they dont want their own house?

    she said, it’s the dream of armenian moms.

    and i was like oooooooooooooooo


    her friend came bounding out. samantha was all this is juanita, juanita this is tony, the coolest uber ever.

    juanita was like great, can we request you from now on?

    i said, no but we’ll figure out how you can get me the next time.

    driving down the hill towards the freeway i admitted to my friends that i didnt know burbank very well.

    i may have even called it glendale. i said, you’ll have to lead me to the freeway.

    they said, we’ll show you.

    and we drove down Olive and just kept going till it hit Barnham and i was all this is genius

    i would have taken the 5 to the 101 or some nonesense, instead you just go through the pass.

    i was in love.

    they started taking selfies.

    we passed the motel where true romance was filmed.

    avenged kept playing.


    juanita is a makeup assistant and works at the sunglasses stand at the mall.

    i told her about the one time i owned raybans and how quickly they were absconded by the person who gifted it to me.

    but now i wear Baby Phats that i got for cheap when i bought the whole box downtown, i told them

    and boy did they laugh and laugh and laugh.

    for some reason i had forgotten juanitas name so i just called her sunglasses.

    hey sunglasses, your friend wants to go to some new orleans bar.

    oh lets go to Loaded, juanita said.

    i smiled.

    samantha was all fine. Loaded.

    she was having a bad day but now at least it was funny.


    i said, ok you girls live near universal. i had this girl in here, right before you two. she was in a daze.

    she said she had just had the most perfect day at universal studios.

    citywalk? juanita asked.

    no, the amusement park. i think she was on ecstasy. she seemed soooo into it.

    yeah maybe she was because that place is alright, but nothing to get excited about.

    i said, ok, because she was asking me if i had a girlfriend because i should really take her there and

    the girls laughed – what?

    i know. how is universal romantic?

    yeah she was tripping, they agreed.


    somehow i had confused glendale and burbank a second time and the ladies informed me that they didnt like glendale

    i said, but but youre armenian (glendale is mostly armenian, im pretty sure)

    samanatha said yes but we dont like certain armenians.

    i was all, so you hate yourself. no self hate!

    they laughed and said some are really closed minded and old fashioned and

    i said, so like they wouldnt want you to date black guys?

    they said, how about you cant date Anyone.

    i was all

    they were like

    i was all but the little house in the back. how?

    they said, they fix you up with their friends son and you get married.

    i said thats sad. they said and then no sex.

    i said, you mean, no sex until youre married.

    they said no, no sex – thats the mouth you kiss your babies with!


    as we were getting to the bar i started driving slower because now i was truly madly deeply in love with them

    both of them.

    i knew it would never work between us. all of us.

    their fathers and brothers would murder me. even more darkness would befall on our girls life.

    and she would never be able to listen to avenged sevenfold any more.

    especially the new album.

    but still i thought maybe i should just valet and have a drink with samantha and sunglasses


    but i knew i needed to write this down.

    that writing things down in the long run is better than having that Adios she was telling me about

    it’s a drink

    i dont know whats in it but youre supposed to tell the bartender “give me an adios mother effer”

    got home, looked at all the places i had been that day and thought wow if i could just tell one story

    about one of these pictures that would be a good night.

    so good night.

  10. Sunday, May 18, 2014

    Ate and drank tons at the vegan beer fest 


    daria peer pressured me into going and sorry but im a midwestern man you cant say vegan and then say beer and think im going

    but my man andy sternberg was involved and all the cool kids on the sunset strip

    and i realized it would probably be the one place the xbi wouldnt be snooping around


    and of course, there would be beer.


    lots of beer


    beers from around the world of all styles waiting to get into my belly.


    there was also food, white folk, and hats because it was still a tad on the warm side, thus the beer served another function


    it was held on the weird dirt spot on sunset near the Roxy which has always interested me.

    shouldnt there be a huge rock n roll hotel on that land called Lemmy’s Motel 666 or something?

    and then be secretly luxurious and classy inside while at the same time welcoming to harley riders and loose women


    there were bands there like Hes My Brother Shes My Sister which were great background music because all u can drink beer


    id heard of some of these beers and i still dont know what makes them vegan (maybe how they filter it? who cares.)



    surprise of the day a place called Do Me’s has a vegan Big Mac. at the restaurant its on the secret menu. at the fest it was $12

    its so big you have to split it at a place like the fest but so what, its amazing and yes better than the original.


    another very nice surprise was running into KPCC science reporter Sanden Totten and his charming girlfriend Kathy

    Sanden, bless his heart, brought a box of plastic zip lock baggies so ppl could take their food home

    he was offering them up to everyone and they were all omg omg yes thank you omg

    genius idea and i ended up with two bags filled with foods i gorged on later


    this dude was working at the Sierra Nevada tent and ran over to show me his tattoo.

    2016, i told him, hang in there just a little longer.


    we met a lovely pair from Bakersfield. bro is in a ska band and miss bakersfield couldnt have been sweeter

    turns out shes a Gaucho and vinyl collector. she picked up this LP in between beers.


    kept forgetting there were bands. i think Ozzy came out for a few songs and spit a bunch of vegan jello into the crowd.


    its impossible to take a bad pic of mark’s beautiful gf esther but i did. andy did a great job of being the living example of a good diet


    and i ate vegan tacos made of sunflower seeds and chicken wings made of spicy ass cauliflower


    lessons learned: vegan food may be alien and weird and “natural” and “good for you”, but it should be treated like any other foods.


    a wise brand will emblazon their logo on Zip Lock bags at next year’s vegan beer fest

    because the vegan leftovers were better than regular left overs because they dont deteriorate into greasy lump balls.


    no matter where you go, there will be Gauchos, probably drinking.


    and finally: there is value in the VIP ticket. it was shadier, and you were able to drink an hour earlier.

    you wouldnt think that either of those things are big deals until youre sweating into your vegan twinkees

    and when you realize theres only a half hour left to drink.

    so yes, getting there early and maybe bringing a parasol isnt a bad idea.

    free chips

    one day the vegan beer festival will be at the Rose Bowl or at UCLAs practice field

    or at Grand Park or somewhere thats not an abandoned dirt lot on the strip and you sit on bales of hay.

    and we’ll say remember what life was like before Exxon handed out to-go baggies?

    it was delicious and hot and sunny and nice and even the hangover wasnt so bad.