nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, May 2, 2017

    life is so fragile, even at the beginning 

    Jimble Kimble is my favorite late night host

    he is the everyman who worked his way up from radio to the Man Show to somehow making his way as Adam Carolla’s side kick to Howard Stern’s BFF and the host of the Oscars

    he took every step the way you’d want. He hired his high school BFF to lead his band (along with his buddy’s dad), his Cousin Sal does bits, his wife writes his jokes, his ex girlfriend is a regular guest, we hear about his mom, his Aunt Chippy, and he has made his little security guard Guillermo a star on his own.

    the selflessness is beautiful.

    he even built a concert stage behind his studio so when bands play a couple hundred of their fans can enjoy the mini concert.

    last night Jimmy shared something so scary. His newborn son was born with a heart disease. They rushed from Ceders in Beverly Hills to Childrens Hospital blocks from my house.

    This hospital deserves all the praise. I’ve never heard anything but giant praise from them. I need to give them all of my video games.

    So many prayers for Jimmy and his family.

  2. Friday, June 3, 2016

    ive lived in hollywood for fifteen years and never been to paramount 


    some of my favorite movies and tv shows were made here like

    The Brady Bunch




    Forrest Gump

    Family Ties

    Happy Days

    Mork & Mindy

    Sunset Blvd


    Rear Window


    Duck Soup

    Breakfast at Tiffany’s


    The Godfather

    Citizen Kane


    Coming to America


    IMG_0054The Bad News Bears


    Beverly Hills Cop

    Iron Man

    and endless others

    and for some reason i’d never been there.

    yesterday someone said that we really needed about 30 to 50 Baby Trombones

    and someone else said he thought he saw some at Paramount

    no one wanted to go because the place is huge, where would you find them,

    and how weird would people think you are if you asked them?

    so i volunteered as tribute and it was super hot.  and bigger than i thought it would be.

    there were bikes and golf carts everywhere. but none said busblog on them. so i walked, and walked and walked.

    did i mention how hot it was today?

    while it was fascinating walking down the “New York Street”, because im a weirdo,

    i liked seeing the empty stages better.

    they were giant and they were totally barren inside.

    my imagine ran wild.

    outside each of the stages they had a little plaque listing all of the movies and tv shows that had been filmed in there.

    every stage had an impressive plaque. IMG_0051

    i walked past the bungalows with the execs,

    i strolled past the writers rooms, editing, costumes, set design

    and then i saw it

    just sitting there on a loading dock

    and just as many as what we were looking for

    but i hadnt been there very long so i kept walking around

    heres the funny thing

    if you live in LA, especially hollywood or the west side, you’re gonna see a celebrity from time to time.

    you might even find yourself interacting with them because, you know,

    stars, theyre just like us.

    i walked around freaking paramount

    for maybe two hours

    and i didnt see one star.

    as far as i know

    but heres the funny thing

    i turned the corner and there was the kogi truck

    and i nearly fainted out of true love.

    then i heard gun shots

    and i snapped right out of it

    but then i saw a sign

    simulated gunfire

    so i sat down to chill

    it was hot



  3. Thursday, February 25, 2016

    i dont understand people who dont love hollywood blvd 

    super fanto me it’s the best street in LA by far

    you’ll see people in costume, sunburnt euro tourists, homeless strangers, pickpockets,

    businessmen, politicians, superstars, students, hooter girls, impersonators, commuters,

    guys dressed up as thor

    and even academy award super fans like this lady who i wanted to get to know but i was actually sorta in a meeting on the red carpet and i had to excuse myself and take a picture of her because


    is the reason i love hollywood, hollywood blvd, and the scene around hollywood & highland

    i love these people because theyre having fun in a place where there isnt very much to do.

    sure you can shop and eat and look but you cant really do.

    so people walk around and some of them think that this is what LA is and who knows maybe it is (it’s not) and its not really glamorous, in fact it’s kinda the opposite of glamorous most of the time.

    but once a year some of the most glamorous people in the world dress up as great as they can and everyone watches it on tv and some people get super into it.

    and if theres something i love its when people get really into something. so hats off to you oscar superfan lady.

  4. Wednesday, December 16, 2015

    i wonder why disney is doing this 

    star wars is gonna make so much money.

    hateful 8 is trying its best not to make so much money.

    sometimes i wonder about the evil men do.

    how some think they have to be these super aggro winner take all alpha dogs

    and i know a few women who prefer that sort of king of the jungle hoo haw

    if anything this makes disney look terrible

    and its the only knick on star wars’ incredible launch.

    if i was disney i would not only let the hateful 8 play at the cineramadome

    but i would say it was a terrible misunderstanding

    and buy all the seats one night and give them to the troops or some shit.

    which is why people are knocking down my door to make me their ceo.

  5. Friday, August 21, 2015

    LA is a city on the planet and the NYT is on it! 

    terrible tweetheres the problem with the New York Times, they have this foolish desire to cover Los Angeles.

    actually that desire isn’t terrible unto it self, but what’s dumb is they take new yorkers and move them to LA and have them write about it AS IF THERE ARE NO ACTUAL LOCALS WHO COULD DO IT BETTER.

    case in point, adam nagourney, who is the NYT’s LA bureau chief, who today blocked me on Twitter (?!) because I called him out on his shitty non-story about some new Sunset Strip hotels and his shittier tweet to hype it (above).

    the thesis of his far-too-long piece is OMG THEY SHUT DOWN THE HOUSE OF BLUES WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE ON THE SUNSET STRIP and guess what, guys, THEYRE BUILDING A LUXURY HOTEL !!!!11!1

    anyone who has lived in LA for more than a handful of years knows that the House of Blues was not a go-to club. it was a place you reluctantly went to because Bad Religion or Social D or GWAR was going to play there. Maybe you’d take some out of towners there to see Steel Panther or the Gospel Brunch.

    on the raaaaare occasion someone actually good would be there, but for the two dozen or so times that I’ve been there my favorite show was probably when Britney Spears did a 15 minute comeback lipsync secret show there billed as the M+Ms.

    at it’s heart, House of Blues was a corporate chain that eventually got bought by the most corporate of all chains, Live Nation, who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing called Ticketmaster.

    dudeONLY the NYT would try to make us shed a tear over a mediocre club owned by Ticketmaster being razed to build a high rise hotel.

    by the way, none of this has to do with The Doors, who played in LOTS of places in LA a half century ago, and yes one of the venues they rocked was The Whiskey which is a curvy mile away. Big whoop. (also the strip hasnt been “gritty” in decades.)

    If a local journalist would have written about it instead of someone who parachuted  in a couple of years ago, it might have been about how a) no one really loved that club anyways b) how after seeing the renovation of the Riot Hyatt into the Andaz across the street from the HOB and the ongoing success of the Mondrian next door or the Standard two blocks away OF COURSE a ticket corporation like Ticketmaster who actually doesn’t care about music would turn their club into a luxury hotel and c) this is more proof that the Sunset Strip is less about music (that trend has been moving east to Echo Park and DTLA since before poor adam moved west) and more about luxe.

    instead NY Adam interviews a nearby hotelier who claims the sky is now falling (because omg competition) and the Roxy’s Nic Adler who rightfully says this is a non story. BUT WHY WOULD YOU EVER BELIEVE THE SON OF THE MAN WHO HELPED PUT ROCK ON THE MAP ON THE SUNSET STRIP?!

    instead let’s publish another trend piece about LA that people in LA will laugh about because as Curbed LA wrote perfectly earlier this yearNew York Times stories about Los Angeles are amazing because they’re like seeing the city through the eyes of a dorky time traveler from 1992.”

    add one more to the list, boys, but be careful, nyc adam might omg block you from the twitters.



  6. Tuesday, August 18, 2015

    took a little walk last night because it had finally cooled off 

    american apparel

    heard American Apparel may go out of business.

    felt bad for Dov, Sass, all the workers, as well as the billboard salespeople


    maybe the geniuses who stole the company away from Dov can get into the trashy office business

    apparently business is Great!


    my first real job out of college i had a briefcase. and then never again.


    when people talk about Corvettes, they really should stop talking about them after 1982

    here is a great reason why.


    i posted a lot of these on Instagram to do some “live Instagramming” but im pretty sure it just annoyed people


    it was so late at night the freeways were free


    the 80s called. they want to play at your rock club.


    who knew Bill Maher had a star on the walk of fame?


    who knew Batman didn’t?


    Hollywood: where even the traffic cones are bossy


    the problem with the electronic age is ppl’s penmanship is seriously lacking.

    THATS what you should apologize about, neighbor


    when I saw i hit my walking goal i hopped on the subway


    dont let anyone tell you we dont ride the subways – even late at night – in Hollywood

  7. Monday, April 27, 2015

    they called it the bates motel because it’s on sunset and bates 


    ive lived in hollywood a long time and as long as ive been here it’s been abandoned


    in the early days of the abandonment hookers used it as their offices


    later crackheads used it to do their business.


    after a while they boarded it up and it became the home for ghosts and bad memories


    the only time something pleasant happened near it was when the Sunset Junction Street Fair would rock out near it


    but then one thing led to another and greed seeped it followed by a flood of ignorance


    and the Sunset Junction Street Fair ended and the Bates Motel fell into absolute disrepair


    until last week when an artist had a vision to paint it all white


    even the trees. and now so many people have shown up to look at it in awe that theres bad traffic there



  8. Monday, March 30, 2015

    i had a fantastic weekend of driving, sushi, and friends 


    saturday was the two year anniversary of Little Joy and it was also Lily’s birthday.

    in attendance were many LA Times youngsters and even Sarah’s bff Lindsay who showed me her unlimited Tap pass because she works for Metro and loves taking the bus everywhere.

    so jeals


    earlier in the day i said goodbye to Andy who is moving back to Chicago. mark, audrey and mr. fluffy helped him polish off some carne at his bbq right by the beach.


    he gave me an awesome Taschen book about the Police in 80-83 (their best years.)


    back to Lily, she had a pinata but no stick so she violently bashed it against the riser in the back secret room and glow sticks and dinosaurs flew out which was a wonderful surprise.


    sarah as always looked beautiful but moreso than ever.

    i drank and drank and later walked down to my favorite taco truck and got two for the road.


    before all of that i ubered for 10 hours on saturday and hit my goal on my last ride with this handsome british actor who is starring in a Fox pilot loosely based on when Rivers of Weezer quit the band to go to Harvard.

    i was all bro youre way too handsome to play Rivers

    he said, welcome to Hollywood, G!

  9. Tuesday, January 20, 2015

    theres a guy who wants to build a restaurant bar 200 feet from my apartment 

    pete rose

    he swears he wants to form a bond with the neighbors here.

    yet he has his guys jackhammer the building starting at 8am on saturday

    and now 8:45am on tuesday.

    while its nice that he gave his workers MLK day off, it’s weird that he thinks hes going to make friends by waking everyone up on saturdays.

    how did pete rose get banned from baseball and yet dickweeds and imbeciles get to own parts of hollywood, do ridiculous things selfishly

    and think they can just have whatever they want.

    i wrote a letter a while ago that said if he tries to squeeze this thing into our hood, a place that already has major parking issues

    im just gonna call the cops every night for disturbing the peace

    and i only lie on this blog

  10. Tuesday, January 13, 2015

    pretty girl said if your dishes are clean i’ll come over tomorrow 

    wrestlingso there i was at 2am this morning doing my dishes.

    then i heard what sounded like an angry knock at my door. AT 2AM!

    i knew it wasnt her because getting her to come over is an intense chess match that rarely ends in anything other than a draw, meaning she stops texting and i fall asleep on the couch.




    my cats scattered away from the door and as i got closer to it i saw what looked like a rhino

    trying to push through the door.

    it was a wallop like ive never seen before.

    WHAT THE FUCK! i screamed, automatically, beastmode style. pure animalistically.

    the visitor heard my shout and ran down my stairs and towards my next door neighbor’s place.

    then i heard glass shatter. no kidding. not lying.

    my neighbor is a beautiful woman and petite and she lives alone. her front door, unlike mine, is french glass. mostly glass.

    i was terrified the brute had broken down her door and was headed up her stairs to kill her – or worse!

    first i dialed her number, but after two rings i called 9-1-1 instead.

    soon the cops had arrived but the creep was gone.

    turned out he was a young blond man with a hoodie, a drunk. who the cops nor the church members ever caught.

    but it did get all of us neighbors out of our comfort zones to introduce ourselves to each other.

    and made me try to remember where i put my aluminum baseball bat

    which i couldnt find last night in a split second.

    it’s weird when you’re the scaredest youve ever been and all you can find is a hand axe.