nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, November 12, 2018

    when in rome, ask a lot of questions 

    i had to do this thing in Hollywood this morning and i found myself doing the thing that i used to tell people to do.

    comic book legend Stan Lee died. i was really close to hollywood and highland where all these cartoon characters hang out shaking down tourists for money.

    i had this crazy idea that all the Marvel ones (the hulk, iron man, black panther, black widow, captain america, wolverine, etc) might be hanging out at his star because thats where the fans would go, no?

    no. turned out neither of the spider men knew even who Stan was

    but fortunately there was a Cap and a Logan who totally knew what was up and were willing to talk to me quickly so i could get a few quotes, take a few pics, and zip it over to LAist before lunch.

    it was startling how easy the words came out of me in writing this little thing. with LAist i know exactly what humor to inject and where the line is. bing bang boom it was over before it started which was great because i had a big day planned for me for the secret project.

    the talented mike roe, comic book expert had just posted his obit, so it fit nicely under the tweets. teamwork makes the dream work and they were able to move on to more pressing issues like these damn fires.

    read the whole thing here.

  2. Saturday, June 16, 2018

    i drove a big powerful movie executive on thursday 

    everything about her was smooth.

    perfectly dressed. great sunglasses.

    picked her up somewhere classy, dropped her off at a studio.

    the whole time she was on the phone with this one and that one

    and she was happy and smart and eloquent

    and so insightful about this big director

    and how to tell in an email if he had been drinking

    because if he had you can disregard the tone.

    she and i never talked but by piecing together the cast of characters

    it was easy to find her imdb.

    and when i got to where she had started in hollywood

    i totally understood why she had such an even keeled disposition.

    cuz that show was incredible.

    even though i worked at e! and now where i do,

    i have learned way more about hollywood from driving people in an out of century city

    for uber

    because these people are always on the phone

    and this city is way smaller than it appears.

    i just wish i knew who they were first because we would have better convos.

  3. Monday, September 11, 2017

    sometimes youre buying pillows at Fallas Paredes discount store 

    and you’re waiting in a line that wont move and amber says hey im gonna get some bananas at the Jons and i’ll meet you outside.

    and you wait and you wait and as you’re waiting you hear the booming sounds of what appears to be a band playing.

    now you’re old enough to remember when rock music used to float through the air all the time.

    but those times are long gone.

    so when you connect with her outside you say, hey lets go over to that alley to see what local schmos are about to get shut down because clearly this music is too loud.

    and as you walk with your pillows and bananas

    you see a tiny little crowd in the alley are looking over a fence

    and you get closer and notice theres an entire parking lot fenced off with a huge catering situation. really good smelling food and people in chefs outfits scrambling.

    then you see a security guard but not in a cheesy Don Knotts outfit but a suit and tie like the Secret Service. and he’s guarding the back of what appears to be a stage.

    and then you hear what has to be the worlds greatest Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band break into “Under The Bridge”

    and someone nods their head.

    and you see Flea’s head bounce above the fence.

    and then you realize, uh, this is one of rock’s biggest bands playing 10 feet away from you

    playing one huge hit after another.

    so you keep standing there with 5-6 others and no one moves you and no one tells you to get lost

    and amber goes to a woman smoking by the back door

    and the woman says,

    Randy Newman is coming on next.

    and you’re all,

    you mean one of my favorite musicians of all time?

    you mean the same guy who I chose to see over seeing Stevie Ray Vaughn w/ BB King or The Who because they were all playing the same night in 1991 in LA


    and even though i sorta regret never seeing SRV, i thoroughly enjoyed seeing Randy at the Universal Ampitheater that night.

    and the stars say yes.

    but it was taking a while.

    and two college aged kids came out through the back entrance. past the secret service dude.

    and i say, hey is it true that Randy Newman is on next.

    and they say are you kidding us right now?

    i say no, youre in there do you know if anyone else is playing?

    and they say, oh youre serious? we are Randy’s children.

    and we LOL and chat and i tell them to tell their dad that he’s amazing.

    and 10 minutes later Randy walks from a car to that back entrance and plays.

    and as he does Chad Smith from the Chili’s has a smoke and a chat and poses with Amber Smith and then puts on his motorcycle helmet and hops on his bike and zooms home

    into the hills of Hollywood.

    where 100% true stories like this happen.

  4. Monday, August 14, 2017

    ive seen a lot of things in my life and im only half way done 

    one thing ive seen is the magic power of the people.


    ive also see the magic power of super terrible d bags.

    other day i was walking down my street and this family was walking their new puppy.

    puppy squats down and unloads a big steaming log.

    nice old asian lady was watching to see what they were gonna do because it was gross.

    family just kept moving.

    lady yells PICK UP AFTER DOG


    the dad placed his cigarette into his mouth and raised his hand up in the air and flipped her a bird.

    my mouth was agape.

    old lady’s mouth was agape!

    even the little puppy’s mouth was agape because even the puppy knew you shouldnt flip off old ladies.

    then from above us the clouds grew dark, congregated, shook a little

    and then lightning struck the dad dead right there on Cahuenga.

    a little smoke rose from his heap.

    the dog sniffed the dad only to be tugged away by the leash which was now being held by the mom.

    the family began walking again.

    old lady yelled PICK UP AFTER DAD





  5. Tuesday, May 2, 2017

    life is so fragile, even at the beginning 

    Jimble Kimble is my favorite late night host

    he is the everyman who worked his way up from radio to the Man Show to somehow making his way as Adam Carolla’s side kick to Howard Stern’s BFF and the host of the Oscars

    he took every step the way you’d want. He hired his high school BFF to lead his band (along with his buddy’s dad), his Cousin Sal does bits, his wife writes his jokes, his ex girlfriend is a regular guest, we hear about his mom, his Aunt Chippy, and he has made his little security guard Guillermo a star on his own.

    the selflessness is beautiful.

    he even built a concert stage behind his studio so when bands play a couple hundred of their fans can enjoy the mini concert.

    last night Jimmy shared something so scary. His newborn son was born with a heart disease. They rushed from Ceders in Beverly Hills to Childrens Hospital blocks from my house.

    This hospital deserves all the praise. I’ve never heard anything but giant praise from them. I need to give them all of my video games.

    So many prayers for Jimmy and his family.

  6. Friday, June 3, 2016

    ive lived in hollywood for fifteen years and never been to paramount 


    some of my favorite movies and tv shows were made here like

    The Brady Bunch




    Forrest Gump

    Family Ties

    Happy Days

    Mork & Mindy

    Sunset Blvd


    Rear Window


    Duck Soup

    Breakfast at Tiffany’s


    The Godfather

    Citizen Kane


    Coming to America


    IMG_0054The Bad News Bears


    Beverly Hills Cop

    Iron Man

    and endless others

    and for some reason i’d never been there.

    yesterday someone said that we really needed about 30 to 50 Baby Trombones

    and someone else said he thought he saw some at Paramount

    no one wanted to go because the place is huge, where would you find them,

    and how weird would people think you are if you asked them?

    so i volunteered as tribute and it was super hot.  and bigger than i thought it would be.

    there were bikes and golf carts everywhere. but none said busblog on them. so i walked, and walked and walked.

    did i mention how hot it was today?

    while it was fascinating walking down the “New York Street”, because im a weirdo,

    i liked seeing the empty stages better.

    they were giant and they were totally barren inside.

    my imagine ran wild.

    outside each of the stages they had a little plaque listing all of the movies and tv shows that had been filmed in there.

    every stage had an impressive plaque. IMG_0051

    i walked past the bungalows with the execs,

    i strolled past the writers rooms, editing, costumes, set design

    and then i saw it

    just sitting there on a loading dock

    and just as many as what we were looking for

    but i hadnt been there very long so i kept walking around

    heres the funny thing

    if you live in LA, especially hollywood or the west side, you’re gonna see a celebrity from time to time.

    you might even find yourself interacting with them because, you know,

    stars, theyre just like us.

    i walked around freaking paramount

    for maybe two hours

    and i didnt see one star.

    as far as i know

    but heres the funny thing

    i turned the corner and there was the kogi truck

    and i nearly fainted out of true love.

    then i heard gun shots

    and i snapped right out of it

    but then i saw a sign

    simulated gunfire

    so i sat down to chill

    it was hot



  7. Thursday, February 25, 2016

    i dont understand people who dont love hollywood blvd 

    super fanto me it’s the best street in LA by far

    you’ll see people in costume, sunburnt euro tourists, homeless strangers, pickpockets,

    businessmen, politicians, superstars, students, hooter girls, impersonators, commuters,

    guys dressed up as thor

    and even academy award super fans like this lady who i wanted to get to know but i was actually sorta in a meeting on the red carpet and i had to excuse myself and take a picture of her because


    is the reason i love hollywood, hollywood blvd, and the scene around hollywood & highland

    i love these people because theyre having fun in a place where there isnt very much to do.

    sure you can shop and eat and look but you cant really do.

    so people walk around and some of them think that this is what LA is and who knows maybe it is (it’s not) and its not really glamorous, in fact it’s kinda the opposite of glamorous most of the time.

    but once a year some of the most glamorous people in the world dress up as great as they can and everyone watches it on tv and some people get super into it.

    and if theres something i love its when people get really into something. so hats off to you oscar superfan lady.

  8. Wednesday, December 16, 2015

    i wonder why disney is doing this 

    star wars is gonna make so much money.

    hateful 8 is trying its best not to make so much money.

    sometimes i wonder about the evil men do.

    how some think they have to be these super aggro winner take all alpha dogs

    and i know a few women who prefer that sort of king of the jungle hoo haw

    if anything this makes disney look terrible

    and its the only knick on star wars’ incredible launch.

    if i was disney i would not only let the hateful 8 play at the cineramadome

    but i would say it was a terrible misunderstanding

    and buy all the seats one night and give them to the troops or some shit.

    which is why people are knocking down my door to make me their ceo.

  9. Friday, August 21, 2015

    LA is a city on the planet and the NYT is on it! 

    terrible tweetheres the problem with the New York Times, they have this foolish desire to cover Los Angeles.

    actually that desire isn’t terrible unto it self, but what’s dumb is they take new yorkers and move them to LA and have them write about it AS IF THERE ARE NO ACTUAL LOCALS WHO COULD DO IT BETTER.

    case in point, adam nagourney, who is the NYT’s LA bureau chief, who today blocked me on Twitter (?!) because I called him out on his shitty non-story about some new Sunset Strip hotels and his shittier tweet to hype it (above).

    the thesis of his far-too-long piece is OMG THEY SHUT DOWN THE HOUSE OF BLUES WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE ON THE SUNSET STRIP and guess what, guys, THEYRE BUILDING A LUXURY HOTEL !!!!11!1

    anyone who has lived in LA for more than a handful of years knows that the House of Blues was not a go-to club. it was a place you reluctantly went to because Bad Religion or Social D or GWAR was going to play there. Maybe you’d take some out of towners there to see Steel Panther or the Gospel Brunch.

    on the raaaaare occasion someone actually good would be there, but for the two dozen or so times that I’ve been there my favorite show was probably when Britney Spears did a 15 minute comeback lipsync secret show there billed as the M+Ms.

    at it’s heart, House of Blues was a corporate chain that eventually got bought by the most corporate of all chains, Live Nation, who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing called Ticketmaster.

    dudeONLY the NYT would try to make us shed a tear over a mediocre club owned by Ticketmaster being razed to build a high rise hotel.

    by the way, none of this has to do with The Doors, who played in LOTS of places in LA a half century ago, and yes one of the venues they rocked was The Whiskey which is a curvy mile away. Big whoop. (also the strip hasnt been “gritty” in decades.)

    If a local journalist would have written about it instead of someone who parachuted  in a couple of years ago, it might have been about how a) no one really loved that club anyways b) how after seeing the renovation of the Riot Hyatt into the Andaz across the street from the HOB and the ongoing success of the Mondrian next door or the Standard two blocks away OF COURSE a ticket corporation like Ticketmaster who actually doesn’t care about music would turn their club into a luxury hotel and c) this is more proof that the Sunset Strip is less about music (that trend has been moving east to Echo Park and DTLA since before poor adam moved west) and more about luxe.

    instead NY Adam interviews a nearby hotelier who claims the sky is now falling (because omg competition) and the Roxy’s Nic Adler who rightfully says this is a non story. BUT WHY WOULD YOU EVER BELIEVE THE SON OF THE MAN WHO HELPED PUT ROCK ON THE MAP ON THE SUNSET STRIP?!

    instead let’s publish another trend piece about LA that people in LA will laugh about because as Curbed LA wrote perfectly earlier this yearNew York Times stories about Los Angeles are amazing because they’re like seeing the city through the eyes of a dorky time traveler from 1992.”

    add one more to the list, boys, but be careful, nyc adam might omg block you from the twitters.



  10. Tuesday, August 18, 2015

    took a little walk last night because it had finally cooled off 

    american apparel

    heard American Apparel may go out of business.

    felt bad for Dov, Sass, all the workers, as well as the billboard salespeople


    maybe the geniuses who stole the company away from Dov can get into the trashy office business

    apparently business is Great!


    my first real job out of college i had a briefcase. and then never again.


    when people talk about Corvettes, they really should stop talking about them after 1982

    here is a great reason why.


    i posted a lot of these on Instagram to do some “live Instagramming” but im pretty sure it just annoyed people


    it was so late at night the freeways were free


    the 80s called. they want to play at your rock club.


    who knew Bill Maher had a star on the walk of fame?


    who knew Batman didn’t?


    Hollywood: where even the traffic cones are bossy


    the problem with the electronic age is ppl’s penmanship is seriously lacking.

    THATS what you should apologize about, neighbor


    when I saw i hit my walking goal i hopped on the subway


    dont let anyone tell you we dont ride the subways – even late at night – in Hollywood