nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, December 1, 2020

    took a long walk today and saw a dead person 

    as you know i like to talk to people.

    mostly because i ask easy questions and people generally answer them, and as they do, they tell me things i would have never expected.

    before we saw the dead person we walked past a bus driver taking a break.

    i asked him, “have bus drivers here in LA been catching The Rona?”

    he said, “you’re talking to one of them.”

    he told us that unlike many, he didn’t lose his sense of taste or smell, but “felt like shit” for a few days. he took a test and it came back negative. then he took another test a few days later when he was super achey and he got a positive result.

    he said he was sick for an entire month.

    after a while he got a little better but he was rushed back to work because the benefits were running out. he explained that this was early into the plague so the union didn’t know how much time to demand that sick drivers should have off.

    he said he knows of over 100 LA bus drivers that have gotten COVID.

    then we walked a half block up and saw a couple of police cars and the coroner’s van. a homeless person had died. a photographer from Getty was there and a homeless worker who provides free showers was there too.

    the latter tried to shake my hand as we introduced ourselves.

    over 6,000 people in LA today got COVID. next week that number might jump past 8,000.

    i have to stop walking around.

    it’s tough because the weather is getting nicer and i sure could use the exercise but Hollywood is cray.

  2. Friday, October 16, 2020

    i always knew it was sitting on a landmine 

    my favorite burrito place is closing

    the LA Times said so yesterday in a feature so big it’s gotta get prominence in the Food section on Saturday or my name isn’t HR Puffnstuff.

    the writer did a good job on talking to the owners and getting some good stories out of them but she didn’t say much about the neighborhood, the food, the vibe, the movie that was shot there or what it was like pre-pandemic.

    it was a wild mix of every culture, sexual background, type of fashion, and level of sobriety. it is exactly what you’d want in a spacious big city taqueria where the prices are reasonable and sometimes the food is outstanding.

    anyway i was working on one thing, trying to get another thing done before today, and worrying about a third thing when i read about this and i spent the rest of the night working on it.

    shout out to Apple Photos who lets you search things by where they are on the map. I have over ten years of pictures from that place.

    something i left out of the piece but maybe i should toss in there but nah is this

    sometimes i would take dates there to see how they reacted. it’s a divey joint. freaky at times. despite the signs, occasionally shit goes down there.  it’s nice to know who you’re dealing with and a place like that will elicit responses, let me tell you.

    but ultimately the food wins you over every time.

    LA has maybe 10 million taco joints. but losing this one hurts.

  3. Monday, August 10, 2020

    walked to the store tonight because my car is broke 

    a couple things about my car. in april its paid off.

    thats the good news.

    the bad is it just went over 100k and it wont start.

    the other good news is i have an excellent mechanic and when i called him he said

    oh well you have two batteries. sounds like the little one is broke.

    so tuesday we go get that fixed.

    thus tonight amber and i walked to the store to get food.

    you wouldnt think that two people who know they were gonna have to carry their food home would spend $75 when the mission was just to get some mexicokes and some ground turkey

    but the salmon also looked good

    as did the beyond burger meat

    and the chocolate croissants

    and the soup.

    on the way there we ran past this homeless guy who i gave my winter coat to back when it was starting to get cold. and so we said hi as we went past and asked if he wanted anything from the store.

    he said water.

    afterwards he told amber he should have asked for baby wipes because he really wants a bath.

    she talks to him all the time too, so they have their own relationship.

    when we got home and she told me about the wipes i said,

    there should be showers for the homeless.

    why are we so weird about letting people take showers?

    then it dawned on me. one of our neighbors JUST moved out.

    and i have his key.

    she said, he once told me he never wants to ever go inside an apartment

    ever again.

    i wonder what the story behind all of that is.

  4. Wednesday, July 1, 2020

    discovered something weird 

    walked around hollywood today. my favorite town. freaky. dirty. dangerous.


    at the target in weho right before closing time

    there was a parade of color and skin and wtf.

    right now you gotta wear a mask if you go outside.

    but this one guy had on the most intricate thing. two different chambers for filtered air.

    and a face shield.

    but one of his feet was broken? so that foot didnt have either a shoe

    or a sock on it.

    i was looking for sleeves for a three ring binder for

    baseball cards.

    so whos the actual freak?

  5. Sunday, June 14, 2020

    the biggest problem i have right now 

    there’s this parking spot near my place that can fit two cars if you do it right

    sometimes we have to put a note on someones car because they park in the middle taking up both spots but after a while everyone figures it out.

    at the beginning of the pandemic parking was scarce because no one was going to work and everyone was stuck at home

    and no one had to move their cars because the mayor had ixnayed street cleaning.

    so every now and then youd have to circle the block a few times and eventually youd get a spot

    one day we noticed that this family was parking both of their mini vans in the double spot,

    but when one of them left, they’d inch the other car up to the middle to save the other spot all day.

    well, let me tell you, there were some sharply worded letters left on their windshields, mister.

    of which were roundly ignored.

    to rub it in, at some point, their daughter bridgette graduated high school.

    i know this because they wrote on the back windows of both minivans

    donald trump star on hollywood walk of famecongratulations bridgette class of 2020!

    one of the neighbors asked a cop what can be done.

    cop said

    it’s not against the law to be an asshole.

    because im an idiot, i always think you can reason with people

    what you’re doing is not cool, i told the mom, who ignored me.

    amber said later, leave them alone, theyre poor.

    i said, we have one car, they have two.

    amber said, they have three, bridgette got a car for graduation.

    they wrote on the back of that car too.

    amber said, this is not worth it, youre going to get shot over a parking spot.

    today i saw the dad.

    walk up the street, amber, i said. she reluctantly did.

    why are you doing this? i asked him.

    he finished putting the sun shield on the underside of the windshield.

    there’s parking all over. there’s a spot right there, i said, pointing at actually the best spot on the street because you secretly dont even need a permit on that spot because it used to be a meter.

    not only did he not answer me but he didnt look at where i was pointing and he walked away.

    where are you going? i asked like i was his mother.

    i go home.

    and this is where i feel ashamed of myself because when i was in junior college, working long hours and going to school and trying to adjust to LA, and not having a bunch of friends for the first time in a long time,

    i made a very good amount of money selling tvs.

    but i quit because idealistically i had a hard time getting negotiated down by smart white guys,

    whereas many of the minorities would save up their cash


    and be the most delightful customers of all sorts of audio and video

    typically at full hit.

    so i started pumping gas at the last full service gas station in beverly hills.

    i wanted to help the people, not rip them off.

    and at first i thought id do it for a little while but i loved it.

    and i advanced a little, and got tipped, and dated a few of the patrons

    which is tougher than you think when you have 5 minutes to pump the gas, check the fluids, and get a phone number

    when you don’t exactly look like brad pitt.

    and youre in a gas station guy uniform.

    and one of the things that i learned there was… well let’s say there were about three of us black guys, two white guys, and everyone else was Latino.

    like bridgette’s parents.

    and working those pumps, outside in the sun, for eight hours a day

    dudes of all backgrounds


    and some of what you learn are truisms that stick with you forever.

    well i used one of them on bridgette’s dad as he walked down the street

    ignoring my conversation

    which even he would probably admit is insulting.

    and i said, what you are doing is selfish.

    do you know that word?

    and i coulda said ask bridgette, but that’s unnecessary

    instead i said

    black and brown people need to stop living in a world of scarcity.

    which im pretty sure he didnt hear because i was wearing a mask.

    and thats the biggest problem i have right now.

  6. Thursday, June 4, 2020
  7. Saturday, August 24, 2019

    i like people who stand for things 

    people can be against things, that’s fine.

    people can try to stop you from your dreams… cool

    but those who will, say, starve themselves because their favorite TV show has been pulled off the air? now those are my people.

    i had just stood in line at the Popeyes on Hollywood Blvd to get that spicy chicken sandwich. i had nothing else to do so i walked home instead of taking the subway – gotta get those steps.

    as i approached Sunset and the Netflix HQ, i saw a woman who i had seen a few times earlier in the week.

    she had her sign that said Save The OA

    but while i was driving in the past i hadn’t noticed that in small print it said Hunger Strike.

    this woman had not eaten in 5 days when i approached her and had the nice little chat in the video.

    i love TV. theres three TVs in my 1BR apartment. but would i stop eating if one of them shut down?

    no. does that make me a bad person?

    and how horrible was i holding a bag of Popeyes chicken talking to a woman who only had drank water for nearly a week? im a monster.

    and then i asked her which foods she missed.

    that proves im terrible.

    so i posted the first minute of this on my Instagram and tagged she and the other young lady who was protesting and it’s already the most popular video of the month on my IG.

    i think i will start roaming around talking to more people.


  8. Wednesday, March 6, 2019

    walked in the rain 

    what else you gonna do.

    saw a dude. saw another dude.

    saw a dude on a bike, lots of junk in his baskets. smelled of cigarrets.

    he said what, then said who? he was talking to a parked car.

    mike? oh hey mike.

    then he turned to a woman with short hair on the other side of the street.

    rebecca! he yelled. you’re so stupid!

    and i walked past rebecca, who was still unsure. mike?

    but she crossed the street anyway.

    i guess the dude was right about her.

  9. Thursday, January 24, 2019

    today we went into a true discount store 

    they had like five or six racks outside their door with clothes for $2 and $5. so i went in.

    amber stayed out front because she was in heaven. the store was named something in spanish.

    i do not know spanish.

    i see racks of pajama bottoms. my favorite. everythings $3. i get two pairs that look like they should have always been that price, but one of the tags is still on it and says $32. are you kidding?

    but then i go the wall. i see shirts. i am up to my nostrils in shirts but i see a tag on the shirts too. all walmart tags that say $9. these people are selling them for $3.

    imagine youre a shirt and somehow all the customers of walmart pass on you. impossible you say? this shirt says $4 now.

    still not cheap enough for me.

    todavía no es lo suficientemente barato para mí.

    but i did buy an extra tall curtain, so no crazy ass fools try to peep inside my dreamland.

  10. Tuesday, January 22, 2019

    some dude tried to break into my apartment 

    it was 5am. i was trying to get the Oscar noms on my tv. i use Roku on my sets and i figured the Academy via YouTube would bring it to my biggest screen in the living room.

    when in the window behind the tv i see this dude with a cigarette peering through. my cats noticed too and perked up. even they havent seen people in my little courtyard at that hour… looking in to us.

    he went to the door and you could hear a key or something in the lock. was he trying to pick it? then the door handle rattle.

    i perked up. i said,

    yo this is not the door you want.

    it rattled again. i said.


    dude logic. i was improvising.

    he kept fiddling with it and i got my baseball bat and called 911. heres why. only thing i have of value in my house is amber and a 5 pack of Old Style. if he’s outside the cops can get him. if he gets inside i want the cops to know the description of the one to bring to jail.

    it took a suprisingly long time to explain to the operator what was happening. she asked all these detailed questions like weight. who am i, a circus freak on the midway? its dark and hes wearing a black leather jacket. he could have a six pack or a pony keg in there. i just hope he doesnt have a gun.

    then it took a suprsingly long time for the cops to come. half the oscar noms were announced. spike lee was probably already picking out which sneakers he was gonna be wearing for oscar sunday.

    when they did come they crossed paths with him but because he was carrying a guitar case and mumbling that he was waiting to get an uber they let him pass by.

    they got to my door and i said, thats him.

    they looked at me as if to say, waiting on an uber is the get out of jail free card.

    i asked, is it against the law to try to break into a house? cop said yeah. but no one was arrested.

    and now ive gotta see a melissa mccarthy movie where she isnt trying to make me laugh?

    my neighbor texted me today saying he owes me a steak because the drunk was his friend i said make it two steaks i nearly killed him.

    he said bet.