nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, March 18, 2014

    the hollywood sign is in hollywood, dont tell anyone 

    debbie harry hollywood signwhen i was little i didnt have any pet peeves because i didnt have the experience then of being around too many annoying people.

    but as time went on i got to either know or hear about people who were crazy selfish or just bizarre.

    one type of person that i am referring to is the type who moves in to a neighborhood that has a super interesting tourist attraction, or a great rock club, or a wild party scene: AND THEN THEY CALL THE COPS WHENEVER ANYONE VISITS

    for example when i lived in Isla Vista, notorious for being the 1 square mile town next to the college known for good parties: there were people who would call the police whenever they heard the slightest “noise”.

    it’s like, Did you not KNOW that young people in Isla Vista like to rage and have bands on their rooftops playing terrible music? How is this news to you?

    likewise the residents in Hollywoodland do their best to keep tourists and tour busses and even semi-locals from driving around their beautiful neighborhood in search of a photo op beneath the Hollywood sign.

    they put up street signs that lie and say “no access to Hollywood sign” and “dead end” and all this nonsense because people want to have what the residents have: a picture near the iconic letters.

    that sign has been there nearly 100 years. i seriously doubt those people have been.

    which is why i love this picture of Blondie’s Deborah Harry in 1979.

    this is what everyone wants in their instagram feed

    and the residents of Hollywoodland don’t.

    i CANNOT wait for judgement day.

  2. Tuesday, March 11, 2014

    one thing you see in LA are personalized plates for days 


    but sometimes theyre on the most expensive cars and you think to yourself,

    “is that really that guy or is it some super rich kid”?

    today i was driving past El Coyote on Beverly and i saw this and I had to pull over.

    Because if it is Kanye, it MUST be documented.

    sadly i was on my lunch break and couldnt wait around all day to find out whose masarati this belonged to

    so we can just pretend for now that it was he, and by he of course we mean ye

  3. Wednesday, February 26, 2014

    to celebrate not being sick any more, last night i did laundry then got a massage 

    new banksy

    the woman who took my $40 was older, probably a mom, and in slightly inappropriate yoga pants

    whatever. open mind. lets just get the kinks out.

    she escorted me past several rooms, all the same: rectangle with a raised platform which had a tiny mattress covered with a towel and a small pillow. it was a thai place so they had little asian deals here and there and some candles.

    she apologized for the middle eastern music blasting from next door. some sorta party was going on there.

    but the music was actually pretty good, but so loud that it was probably a way different vibe than the thai massage was used to.

    tumblr_mk6bsw7Z3K1qdztweo1_500we got to my room, i took off my hat and flannel and shoes, and in comes probably the most beautiful thai twentysomething woman ive ever seen in my life. she wore a skin tight white workout deal and told me politely to take off everything except my underwear and lie down.

    i was already thinking about becoming a frequent flyer because humina humina.

    i did as i was instructed and she started with the feet. it was delightful. who knew my feet were so full of stress.

    then she appeared to walk on my legs. sorta painful but i rolled with it. then she pulled my legs and twisted them.

    i heard another voice in the hallway. my girl responded. they were talking for some reason. the middle eastern music was blaring.

    she excused herself and then returned and apologized. she dripped oil on me and worked on the back.

    the right side of my back had these knots in them that cracked any time she rubbed there. the left was perfect.

    she got behind my neck but took extra time on the back.

    more talking. all in thai. fortunately i speak a lil thai and it was possibly this:

    mom, he’s xbi, i know it. i can feel him reading my mind. we cant do it to him. BUT I DONT WANT TO JUST MASSAGE HIM!

    eventually she excused herself again and i turned my head the other way on the towel that acted as a pillow.

    my neck was sore somehow. but my eyes were closed. then i felt hotter oil, but in a nice way.

    the back got worked on harder this time and after a while i was asked to put my hands behind me and pull her arms

    i felt thick arms. what? turned out it was the mom. bait and switch!

    the mom twisted and beat my back. pounded me like a cheap pork chop. and when she was finished recommended i take a pain pill.

    because its going to hurt in the morning.

    and boy was that lady right.

  4. Tuesday, February 25, 2014
  5. Tuesday, January 28, 2014

    dear etienne 


    yr brother and i had a really good night.

    i picked him up at Pinks, he didnt like his hot dog, so we drove around hollywood to west hollywood to beverly hills

    and finally stopped on 3rd street and had a drink before we went to the fonut store

    fonut is a new donut thats made out of magic and air and negative calories.

    you lose weight eating it.

    you also go back in time a little.

    only drawback: theyre $3.50 each. but you get to talk to a pretty girl.

    heres what i said to her which you would have called flirting but i woulda called journalistism

    busblog: it must be really hard to not eat every donut in here

    babe: oh yeah super hard, but i havent eaten one in a year

    ok enough stories, im exhausted, we drank and ate and drank and ate and drank water

    and walked around and now im pooped. i tell you more tomorrow when im more alive

  6. Saturday, November 16, 2013
  7. beautiful night at the famous roosevelt last night 

    roosevelt pool

    1461981_10151998793893057_770185691_nthere was a birthday party for ali at my favorite hollywood hotel

    and we learned an interesting rule: you cant just carry in a case of beer

    and 10 pounds of ice into the swanky joint.

    fortunately theres a teleporter in the backseat of the xbi mobile.

    the party was held in one of the poolside bungalow rooms so the sliding glass door was opened and boom there was a dj, the pool, interesting people

    and lo there were excellent people inside the bash

    i met a nice gentleman who works with ali at activision who travels the world promoting call of duty

    alis sister was there who spent the last two years in downtown chicago getting a degree at depaul, it was fun to talk with her about how much she misses it.

    and of course lots of alis friends were there

    it was super fun and this morning i got a txt apologizing for nothing in particular

    which was crazy, but proof that it was a successful party

    alis actual birthday isnt til tuesday so if you have fun this week its because youre in the midst of her birthday week

    rock accordingly

  8. Wednesday, November 6, 2013

    stray cat strut 

    stray cat

    dont believe the internet. they may say things like cats love steamed carrots

    but these cats have no love for steamed carrots.

    i’ll tell you what they love. they love tuna right out of a can and they love dry cat food.

    the web says that i shouldnt feed them tuna because then they can get stuck up i only love tuna disease.

    so i bought a small bag of dry cat food yesterday ($4) and put it on my porch.

    the three stray cats came rushing over — and then a fourth followed! a fourth?!?!

    was there a whole litter under my house? was the 4th a neighbors cat looking for a midnight snack?

    i kept the front door open as they ate and two came in to sniff around

    but they didnt get anywhere close to me: the magic human who bought them their dinner!

    my neighbor thinks the cats are abandoned from a former neighbor who recently moved out.

    so shes gonna find out if they are spayed/neutered.

    i told her lets just let them live under the house and she was all, you cray homie.

    which is true of course, internet.

  9. Sunday, November 3, 2013

    the black one approached my stair and didnt run away when i saw him 

    catsbut he did stand his guard.

    finally he said, my name is meshach, i have no collar

    and no ID and seemingly no home

    i am a black cat that somehow survived halloween in hollywood

    not to mention the new moon on friday

    and last nights lunar eclipse.

    i thought to myself for a split second, sure i’ll adopt a talking black cat

    ive often wanted a black cat but then todd got one

    and i was ah man would this make me a hipster?

    i said, meshach imma leave the door open and get you a bowl of water

    and i took my sweet time getting the water and sure enough, when i turned around there he was

    and cautiously entering through the door were not one

    but two other cats.

    this is my brother shadrach and my other brother abedenego.

    shadrach was sniffing around and abe was all not so sure about any of this mess

    i opened up a can of tuna and put it in a plate and set it on the ground

    the cats retreated and then slowly approached the plate and chomped away

    one of them made its way into my bedroom closet while the other two ate

    eventually meshach said we could use lodging, do you know of any?

    i said theres a hole in the grate underneath the water hose, that’ll get you under the house

    this is a safe neighborhood, if youre still here tomorrow i’ll bring you some actual cat food

    and they walk-ran out the door and later i saw one standing guard atop the brick wall

    three cats makes you a cat lady

  10. Monday, October 28, 2013

    theres three things i couldnt live my life without 

    bargains - metallica

    music, movies, and tv

    and coca cola.

    yesterday this very wise man wrote on my facebook wall: i couldnt name one Lou Reed song to save my life.

    and i thought what sort of life are you leading where you dont know any velvets tunes by name

    i dont mean that in a judgemental way, more a curious way


    sort of life are you leading where you dont wake up on sundays to sunday morning

    or when youre climbing a roof to align a directv dish you dont hum a little satellite of love

    or when someones mean to you you really dont say

    vicious, you hit me with a flower.

    tv is constantly on except when im blogging

    and the movies is seriously something i try to do once a week

    this week the vistas got 12 years a slave which might be a bit heavy after seeing capt phillips

    but i used to have this deal i made with myself to see all the movies the vista shows

    since its such a great theatre and if you go before 5pm its $6.

    perhaps someone would look at me and ask well what sorta life do you have left

    after consuming all of that media, and the internet, and sports, and the blogosphere

    and the bible, and the drip drip drip of my kitchen sink

    and the mexican chatter at the taco truck.

    other day i was getting some grilled chicken and this muscular black dude comes up to me and says i dont need any money but i could use your phone, dont worry he sees me im not gonna run off with your iphone

    and he looks over by the subway stop and sure enough theres a sheriff car up on the sidewalk near the fence and hes looking at us.

    black dude holds out a piece of paper with a 323 number and i say fine, dial it up man.

    and we stood there for an uncomfortably long period of time where he talked to this dude on vermont and 3rd? oh no, vermont and 103rd. well do you want me to come over or not?

    look im a personal trainer, your people are going to like me, dont worry about that. so what time? well why would your phone be in airplane mode for a few hours?

    maybe i’ll just get on this vermont bus and head down there. i dont like to be in your part of town at dark. so 5? ok i’ll call you i a few hours.

    thanks brotha.

    i sanitized my phone as soon as i got home cuz the whole thing gave me the willies.

    which is weird because i bet you that guy could name a lou reed song.