nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, January 12, 2017

    today is howard stern’s birthday, he’s 24 

    ive listened to howard stern almost every day for the last 20 years.

    not sure what it’s done for me other than:

    make me a better interviewer

    make me less afraid of people of all walks

    inspired me to seek out the unique beauty of conquerors, kings, and lesbians

    reminded me that the more in tune you are with your true self, the more the audience will respond positively

    it’s ok to yell the customer, your boss, your coworkers, your parents

    (but if you do you could likely be fired, shunned, ridiculed, and make your mommy sad)

    no matter how much money you make, no matter how popular you are, no matter how powerful you are, no matter how beautiful your wife is, and no matter how skinny you are, if that voice in your head tells you that you suck you are going to think that you suck and it will be very hard for you to enjoy your life – or anything. thus the goal of this short time on earth is to seek inner peace and ignore the trappings as they are a distraction.

    feed your animals, your children and yourself on a schedule.

    fuck george bush and fuck the fcc.

  2. Tuesday, August 16, 2016

    howard stern says he sees a shrink 3-4 times a week 

    LAand you know i love howard but im not sure his shrink is working.

    howard has one of the greatest jobs in the world, he gets to talk to people. on the radio. for millions of dollars a year. tens of millions.

    but howard hates his job so much that he only goes in three times a week and then has to take a week off.

    it’s sort of a dream job in that sense but he swears he’s tortured. he swears he hates going outside. he swears he hates traveling during his vacations. he just wants to sit around and paint or play chess or watch tv.

    im not sure that shrink is working because im pretty sure thats not what we as humans are supposed to enjoy the most.

    especially humans who have met hundreds of humans over a lifetime and gotten them to talk about the most fascinating parts of their lives.

    i bring up shrinks because i have had writers block on something for the last few months that i cannot unblock. i told beautiful zulieka about it and she advised that i should just write it and if it comes out bad, fine, just rewrite it but it will be easier the second time.

    i agree.

    but what if what i want to write is a proposal to change everything. what if what i am writing is my essay for why i should go to mars and die there. what if what i am afraid of is the same thing howard is avoiding which is if we put it all out there then we are lost then we are not us. we will have no control. we will be forever changed.

    when howard holds back from his audience he may not be thrilled with the results but at least he knows he affected something. that weird sad element of control has been enabled and he can see it.

    likewise when i dont do something i can see the lack of growth and i know i did it. i know. i know.

    its a small, dumb, foolish game. and all i have to do is say to myself, no i wont uber tonight, i will drive straight home after work and i will write the thing that will only take two hours to write and i will send it to nasa and that will be that and then they will read it and say duh of course why didnt we think of that and i can go on my merry way and my life will be forever changed.

    but best of all, i will have helped others. which, howard, i think is the point of us being on this planet.

    and we should stop being selfish with our crazy magic.

  3. Wednesday, December 16, 2015

    i wonder why disney is doing this 

    star wars is gonna make so much money.

    hateful 8 is trying its best not to make so much money.

    sometimes i wonder about the evil men do.

    how some think they have to be these super aggro winner take all alpha dogs

    and i know a few women who prefer that sort of king of the jungle hoo haw

    if anything this makes disney look terrible

    and its the only knick on star wars’ incredible launch.

    if i was disney i would not only let the hateful 8 play at the cineramadome

    but i would say it was a terrible misunderstanding

    and buy all the seats one night and give them to the troops or some shit.

    which is why people are knocking down my door to make me their ceo.

  4. Sunday, November 29, 2015

    why howard stern should quietly retire at the end of this month 

    beth sternonce upon a time there was a man named howard stern

    who, unquestionably, was the most interesting and successful radio performer in the history of the medium.

    he was number one in the usa for decades on terrestrial radio

    and then he moved over to satellite radio when less than 1 million people subscribed

    and now close to 30 million people pay for the radio service

    his station is the most listened-to channel on the network

    but he is unhappy, and he has been unhappy for most of his life.

    his movie Private Parts, which he starred in, humorously showed his struggle to the top: bosses who didn’t understand him, rivals, the government – but since then he has had a divorce, a sidekick who attempted suicide, another who got and then beat cancer,

    and an awkward stint as a judge on an nbc talent show.

    he’s been with his basically perfect model/wife for over 10 years, his show regularly breaks news with it’s one-of-a-kind censor-and-commercial free one-hour plus celebrity interviews, one of his long-time guests Donald Trump is the front runner for the Republican nomination for president

    but howard stern is unhappy.

    this is a man who works, on average 7 days a week.

    often he will work a week or two, take a week off

    note: his work weeks are three days.

    and he is unhappy.

    most reports say he gets paid $100 million a year, a number he automatically denies, but no other number has surfaced.

    and he is unhappy.

    howard and bethA-list celebrities like Jennifer Anniston invite him to parties, the most talented late night host (Jimmy Kimmel) considers him an idol and one of Howard’s closest friends, and his unmatched ability to make stars of The Unlikely continues to roll on.

    but he is still unsatisfied, so i say he should just quit.

    i love him, i want the best for him,

    but he’s done it all, said it all, and maybe said too much because we know how unhappy he is.

    howard says he hates traveling, so he should just sit around his compound in florida, and stare at the wall.

    he should have sex with his pretty wife, paint, and eat at Nobu.

    if he gets sick of it in a couple of years it would be one of the most celebrated comebacks ever.

    but for now he should say nothing until the final show

    and then on that show have billy joel play as he tells robin how great it all was

    and then he should reach into a bucket and give bababooey $5 million for putting up with his nonsense

    for all of those years

    and then Artie should roll a red carpet in through the studio

    and then Jackie should walk down the carpet while tossing rose petals

    and then one after another, lesbians of all shapes and sizes

    should walk down the carpet, in various states of undress,

    and when they reach the end of the carpet, should start making out.

    as Sour Shoes sings a medley of appropriate songs.

    and then howard can go off and try to be happy.

    as he deserves it.

    oh so much.

  5. Sunday, September 6, 2015

    top ten best howard stern interviews 

    howard stern's best interviews

    the king of all media has quietly racked up some of the most insightful, fearless and entertaining interviews over the year. here are ten examples of his sitdowns.

    10. Russell Brand

    9. Jay-Z

    8. Insane Clown Posse

    7. Jenny McCarthy

    6. Quentin Tarantino

    5. JFK Jr.

    4. Sarah Silverman

    3. Madonna

    2. Tracy Morgan

    1. Borat

  6. Tuesday, September 1, 2015

    three thoughts from bill murray 

    Bill Murray

    about a year ago the chicago-born comedian was on the howard stern show and they had a really great conversation. here are three interesting little chunks from that chat.

    on being single

    “Well… I do think about that. I do think about that. I’m not sure when I’m getting done here. I have kids—I have children that I’m responsible for—and I enjoy that very much, and that wouldn’t have happened without women. I don’t think I’m lonely. It would be nice to go to some of these things and have a date, have someone to bring along. And to go play golf in Scotland, that would be fun. But there’s a lot that I’m not doing that I need to do—something like working on yourself, self-development, and becoming more connected to myself. I don’t have a problem connecting with people, my problem is connecting with myself. And if I’m not really committing myself really well to that, it’s sort of better that I don’t have another person. I can’t take on another relationship if I’m not taking care of the things I need to take care of the most. What stops us from looking at ourselves is that we’re kind of ugly if we look really hard; we’re not who we think we are, and we’re not as wonderful as we think we are.”

    on what’s great about california

    “In-N-Out Burger is a great hamburger. I remember being in Las Vegas once and for some reason the ride that they give you is a 91-foot limousine, and I said to the [driver], ‘In-N-Out Burger?’ He could barely get this thing through the drive-thru, and while he was in the parking lot trying to get this thing in, I just hopped out and went in. And I tipped him in In-N-Out coupons. It’s a great burger. They do a great job with it. The French fries are made out of real potatoes, the burger is great and you can get it all kinds of ways, and it tastes good. It’s definitely the best franchise burger by a million miles. There’s no comparison. I mean, it’s not even close.”

    on famous whiners

    “I do not like people that complain about being famous, but I say to people, ‘Hey, you want to be rich and famous? Try being rich, and see if that doesn’t cover most of it for you.’ You have a bunch of dough, you can be as kind as you want, and you can be invisible. No one has to know you have a bunch of dough, and you can behave any way you want. You can be a secret kind of person.”

    heres the whole deal:

  7. Friday, April 4, 2014
  8. Saturday, February 23, 2013
  9. Tuesday, February 12, 2013
  10. Saturday, January 12, 2013

    todays the king of all medias birthday, hes 24 

    vP2t6K4Conly howard stern has gotten away with charging people to pay for radio

    and then only working three days a week.

    if that doesnt make him your hero how about this:

    he says exactly whats on his mind

    he’s filthy rich

    his wife is beautiful, wonderful, and has a heart of gold.

    he interviews people better than anyone.

    sadly the demons in his life appear to be overwhelming:

    he doesn’t seem to truly enjoy his success

    he doesnt seem to like himself

    he doesnt get the respect that lesser broadcasters get

    his longtime sidekick robin seems extremely ill.

    so what are the lessons we can learn from howard?

    – be careful what you ask for

    – appreciate yourself

    – your best asset is your uniqueness, own it

    ive been listening to howard for maybe 20 years now,

    every day.

    hes a bigger influence on my life than you probably know.

    so what’s my favorite interview he’s given? probably the one he did in 1996 with JFK Jr.