nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, October 13, 2020

    how could anyone concentrate 

    yesterday I interviewed an inanimate building for Los Angeleno

    not the first time I’ve done such a thing.

    maybe 20 years ago I interviewed an escalator at the Vermont Wilshire subway station

    sadly that escalator is no longer there as that station was remodeled years ago, which may have been why Metro often failed to repair it back in the day

    Then maybe 10 years ago I interviewed my belly for the LA Times

    the only thing I don’t like about that piece is it was published on the papers CMS and it lost the picture over time which to me brought it home

  2. Thursday, January 30, 2003

    dear major newspaper or magazine, please let me work for you. 

    tony pierce?


    hi, we’re a major newspaper or magazine.

    oh hi. Hi!

    yes, we would like to hire you.

    praise Jesus.

    we wont pay you much.

    thats ok.

    you wont get to write anything good right away.

    thats fine.

    we’ll make you write in our patented style.

    thats cool.

    you wont get a very nice desk or window.

    who cares?

    we’ll call you nigger boy.

    ive been called worse.

    you probably wont get promoted for a while.

    thats nothing new.

    we wont give you any coffee.

    i dont like coffee.

    and no smoke breaks.

    i dont smoke either.

    do you think this is some sort of joke or something?


    i dont like your attitude.

    but i dont have an attitude.

    yes you do, its a positive attitude.

    trust me, it’s fake.

    do you really date all those girls?

    what girls? oh, yes.

    and you really have all those friends?

    i actually have way more.

    and youre saying you dont have a positive attitude?

    im saying its a fake positive attitude.

    so youre lying all day?

    sometimes if youre bummed and you start seeing things as bummed then that can spiral into even more bummed. same goes if youre happy. if you fake being happy, sometimes nice things happen to you for no good reason.

    you would never fit in here.

    thats ok, i dont fit in anywhere.

    kitty bukakke on fire