nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 10, 2015

    you know what, maybe the kids of today aren’t ready for this jelly 

    breakup party

    if you recall, a couple of weeks ago i got upset that the kids of UCSB and the staff at the Daily Nexus were ruining their lives because they are neither fighting for their right to party, nor are they properly partying.

    the Nexus was kind enough to repost my screed and once it was up there some of the kids replied and called me names. i fought back, as i normally do. but after awhile i got it.

    these youngsters were doomed.

    they have been raised all wrong, they don’t understand rock music, courage, or life without cell phones: how could they understand Isla Vista?

    in my day when a man in I.V. broke up with a woman that he had dated for 2 years, we’d throw a party and invite our three favorite bands (pictured, above). how could they relate to that? they arent even allowed to have one band at their break up party.


    and theyre ok with that.

    whatever it is that they see when they see us they dont want. and i can understand that. they dont know why we are happy. they dont know how we got here. they dont know how many paths are available to them, and because their role models are former Disney stars and EDM DJs, they rightfully think life is a bunch of baloney.

    omg swipe left, bruh!

    they say things skip a generation. maybe thats the case for IV too. maybe these kids really do want to study, but they dont want to learn. we wanted to learn. we wanted to live. we wanted to date a different girl every day for a week. we wanted to ingest one different thing a night every day for a month. we wanted to see Janes Addiction and then be them. We wanted to see the Grateful Dead and then be hippies.

    we wanted to start newspapers and make poetry books and fight anyone and everyone and dance and kiss and dance and kiss and dance.

    these kids want to graduate.

    i cannot judge. even though im full of judgement.

    they are living in a world we could have never imagined when we were there.

    and we lived in one that they dont believe.

    it’s ok.

    we should have a break up party.

  2. Wednesday, November 4, 2015

    Dear Tony, What would you suggest as a solution to over-policing of Halloween in I.V? 

    snoop dogg with guests at the mtv vmasJustin asks: What would you suggest as a solution to over-policing? The problem is not unique to IV, students have always been treated with less respect and take advantage of by law enforcement or even the school

    1. Challenge any and all “ordinances” that are applied to IV that are not applied to any other part of SB County. Cops can’t punish you for shit you haven’t done yet. That is what a 6pm noise ordinance is. Challenge it in the papers. Shoot video of you interviewing the sheriff asking him how it’s constitutional and why it’s not happening in his neighborhood. Find out who wrote this ordinance and who voted for it. Wear their faces on tshirts. Name dirt fields after them. Create drinking games in their honor. And then call in the ACLU and Matt Welch’s Reason Magazine as they are the defenders of freedom. You are not powerless.

    2. Peaceful organized protests where you invite the media and get arrested. The real media like CNN, Los Angeles Times and  KCRW. A college town isn’t allowed to play music on a weekend after 6pm? How many times do they have to re-make Footloose (1984) till someone calls bullshit loudly and clearly? If everyone carries a boom box and marches around Isla Vista protesting the ban on music after a certain time and cute boys and girls like you are sent, one-by-one into an overflowing SB county jail BECAUSE OF LOUD PLAYING MOZART (seriously, Mozart, the papers will eat it up), the ordinance will be overturned.

    3. After you attend a Halloween concert at the Thunderdome by an artist first known for rapping about killing an undercover cop, and made internationally famous for singing about smoking weed and being a pimp, and then arrived at the MTV music video awards in 2003 holding dog leashes attached to two women: realize that the lifestyle that you should be fighting for is tame in comparison to Snoop’s, a man who has shown that you, too, can live the life that you want to live and you too can be successful for BEING YOURSELF.  Snoop D-O-double G told you about his life for an hour, you sang along, and then you marched quietly to your overpriced and overcrowded apartment and bowed down to those who love to oppress you. Be inspired by the music you listen to, don’t let it tame you!

    4. Ask the cops in the paper, on video, and whenever you see them on the streets “how can LA have several hundred thousand people march down Santa Monica Blvd on Halloween night, drinking, smoking, and carrying on, and there are only 3 arrests; yet when a paltry 500 walk around DP there are 28 arrests? WHY ARE YOU TARGETING ANYONE YOU CAN IN IV? ARENT YOU JUST FALSELY JUSTIFYING YOUR OUTRAGEOUS NUMBER OF OFFICERS?

    5. Only wear SB Sheriff’s uniforms as costumes next Halloween, next weekend, and  at any mass party that you organize. Add a floppy dildo as a garnish. You are college kids. Fucking act like it! I pity the cop who decides he’s going to arrest thousands of students for dressing up as The Out Of Towners that are actually ruining the IV scene.

    6. That student-run radio station that is never used properly: KCSB-FM 91.9 in Santa Barbara. Every Friday night make them play that ridiculous robot music that you kids love more than real rock, the kind St. Cobain gave his life for. Stream KCSB through your iphones and listen to it on your Beats headphones and DANCE IN THE FUCKING STREETS. This sends a royal fuck you to the illegal noise ordinance and you get to do the one thing you’re not going to do in your 30s: get laid after dancing. Invite the media to film the Quietest Block Party in America. And when the cute reporter sticks a mic in your face say, “we’d prefer to dance like every other free person in America, but [name the people who voted for and wrote the noise ordinance] passed laws that prevent us from listening to music in our own homes. We are not criminals. We are Americans who want to boogie.” And then put on your sad, brightly colored overpriced headphones and shake your ass.

    7. Start rock bands. This Halloween has proven that you are all too soft and coddled. Too many of your parents attended your little league games and dance recitals. And none of you can play guitar. This must change. Rock and roll will save your soul and trust me, your souls need saving. Learn the three chords and the truth. Once you have mastered the peaceful protests  and everyone is in a band, the day the ordinance falls every band needs to play on every block in Isla Vista. Because America.

    8. CHALLENGE EVERYTHING STUPID THAT LIMITS YOUR FREEDOMS GOING FORWARD. IF THEY DONT DO IT TO PEOPLE IN MONTECITO THEY SHOULDNT DO IT TO YOU. CHALLENGE IT IN THE NEWSPAPERS YOU RUN. CHALLENGE  IT ONLINE, ON SNAPCHAT, ON PERISCOPE, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, AND IN THE STREETS. Clearly no one else is doing it for you. Good! Do it yourself. And the power of the pen is still the mightiest weapon of them all. The pen is now also the phone. Use it or lose it!

  3. Monday, November 2, 2015

    500 people walked around Isla Vista on Halloween on Saturday 

    isla vista halloween 2015

    dear students of ucsb

    no one forced you to go to the greatest party school in the world.

    you coulda gone to cal poly. you coulda applied at long beach state.

    dont laugh, they have a fucking pyramid at long beach state.

    instead you chose UCSB. U Can Study Buzzed.

    and on top of that you paid much money to live in Isla Vista. greatest town there ever was.

    it’s great because it’s close to the beach, everybody’s beautiful, and the best parties are thrown there. legendary ones that cant even be mentioned because words are just dumb sounds compared to what goes down on dp, sabado, trigo and the others.

    103015-Isla-Vista-Halloween-2_mefrats are a joke, but especially so in 93117 because besides the town being super fun, the people who go to school there wisely reject the idea that you have to buy your friends and lose your individuality in a bizarre struggle of forced acceptance.

    fuck. that. shit with a 6 foot beer bong hanging from a rickety balcony.

    you have your entire life to be a boring disgusting sellout

    terrified of offending this one or that one.

    you will have decades upon decades to dress like a bozo and say yes to things that inside you dont agree with one bit.

    but when you’re in college you get to lose yourself while you find out who you are.

    it’s the expansion and contraction of the universe. and the universe is you.

    you get to grow your hair like you want, kiss who you want, dance like you want, think all the things youve never thought before, be in bands, try new clubs, eat new foods, meet new people

    and best of all dress up as something obnoxious, slutty or hilarious and walk down isla vista’s main street with your friends on Halloween

    and laugh and laugh and laugh.

    and laugh.

    unless you totally fuck up and forget you’re free.

    you live in america, fellow gauchos, the land of the free and the home of the brave.

    it is not brave to sit back and let the so called law tell you you cant play music after a certain hour.

    it is not brave to watch cops year after year come in to your town and treat you like youre some criminal, like you did something horribly wrong, like you are some slimy kid with no rights or lesser rights or temporary rights

    sheriffsyou have exactly the same rights as anyone else in this whole country.

    for example you have the same rights as the 100,000 people who came to West Hollywood on Halloween and dressed up and laughed and drank and smoke and made out and, you know fucking had a Halloween.

    three people were arrested in West Hollywood during the biggest bash in all of LA saturday night.

    28 people were arrested in Isla Vista despite only 500 of you walking around town.

    how is that possible?

    it’s possible because you are allowing it to be possible.

    it is possible because you are listening to the losers who tell you bullshit like “it is what it is”

    we’d be speaking french german or spanish if this country believed in “it is what it is” and thank God above we dont.

    we are americans, we are gauchos, and we are free.

    trust me, there will be more than enough opportunity for you to bend over to fear and take it and pretend it isnt totally humiliating

    for this brief period of your youth, i beg you,


    sure, some of you may die.

    but right now, hardly any of you are living.

  4. Wednesday, August 12, 2015

    everything i want is impossible 

    isla vista

    a beautiful black xbi lady doctor today told me that i should get surgery on my hands and wrists and stop dicking around with the compression sleeves and icy hot and just let trained professionals cut and yank and remove all the bad stuff thats causing me pain.

    all i want is you.

    that and to go back to isla vista when a band could play on your balcony as the sun set and the keg settled in the ice bucket and the ladies of the house said hey

    hey hey


    ho ho.

    i just want to buy a house one day and not have to rob a band first to do it.

    i just wanna write a book one day that will get taught in the same college class where Bukowski is taught but i aint got no stories like his to tell and they dont teach him to the kids no way anyway so why do i even think we’d both get taught when theyre obsessed with all the gold standards of yore who were fine and all but come on pappy.

    pretty girl got in my car yesterday and said home james and i said if only. as if. you wish. turned out she was in the wrong Benz. and i said arent we all bb, arent we all.

    got home and jeanine had done my laundry, hung my drapes and worked out a way the cats could sit in my windowsill and give eskimo kisses to the one eared black stray who lives under the house and this morning i got paranoid that he would give them fleas so i shut the window and they meowed in such a way that woulda broken any normal mans heart but i have no heart any more and i aint been normal since leon bull durham let that ball go through his legs in san dieger which is why i hate san dieger and wont ever name my kid leon bull durham

    thats for damn sure.

    but what do i want? i wanna girlfriend who, if i was in jail with a 5 million dollar bail, would bond me out after she won the powerball even though im probably the lamest heroin dealer in the world. she still believes in me and doesnt want me in jail even though now that shes a millionairess could get any man in the world.

    except for the busblog. bc the busblog only cares about ur heart.

    and when he kisses the right girl with the right heart sees a hippie band jamming on a balcony on DP in IV

    as the sun is setting

    and the old keg is getting pulled out as the new keg is getting lowered

    into the tub of ice, topped with red solo cups, one of which has this name scribbled on it


    but we ignore that bc shes a good kisser.

  5. Tuesday, December 2, 2014

    is it wrong to want to go back 

    isla vista

    when i was younger i always wanted to go backwards.

    when i got to cali all i wanted was to go forwards.

    i see people stay in the same place and do pretty much the same thing and it makes me curious which is the best way.

    last night i had some people over at my place. it was weird saying that ive been there for 13 years.

    it’s nice to have cheap rent, but if i had a 30 year mortgage id be more than a 1/3 through it by now.

    but thats crazy because 13 years ago they shouldnta even rented me an apartment i was so broke and worthless.

    regardless i want to go back to isla vista. not because it needs me, it’ll be fine, but because it’s the prettiest

    and wildest, and most magical spot ive ever lived in.

    the dora the explorer in me says, hey lets find somewhere even better.

    we have half of our lives left to find more. lets find more and better and tastier.

    but isn’t that being gluttoney? ive found the spot. why more?

    but then the lewis and clark in me says, when columbus landed on plymouth rock

    that was fine. and when we kept going west, that was even better.

    but imagine if we stopped at kentucky.

    and the mark twain in me says, never stop at kentucky.

  6. Tuesday, July 29, 2014

    hell yeah isla vista 

    planet of the apes

    i saw so many great movies at the IV Theater

    and lectures and learned so much.

    basically everything i know about art history.

    a class i never enrolled in, because it was packed. but i went anyways.

    too bad the apes took it over.

  7. Thursday, May 29, 2014

    over the years ive written so much about isla vista 

    paddle out

    it’s a magical place with so much more to offer than the sex drugs and rock n roll

    not that theres anything wrong with those things.

    yesterday the students, who are mourning in a bigger way than i remember they did in 2001, held a paddle out

    ucsb paddle out

    two days after they filled harder stadium.

    ive always been proud to be a Gaucho.

    we are uniquely unique from most colleges, and not just because of the geography

    but sometimes, like yesterday, it all comes together beautifully.

  8. Wednesday, May 28, 2014
  9. Tuesday, May 27, 2014
  10. Sunday, May 25, 2014

    this guy had lost has phone and instead of just walking around to look for it 


    he called an uber to drive him about a mile to his daughters school and then a half mile to the park

    and then a few blocks to the 7-11 and then a mile back to his crib.

    the ride earned the driver about ten bucks but it took nearly an hour.

    ten bucks an hour isnt the reason people like to drive ubers.

    the reason people like to drive ubers is while the daughter was in the back seat she said something about Frozen

    so the driver said, would you like to hear Let it Go?

    she was probably 6 years old. adorable. black girl with a pink tshirt with the peace symbol on it.

    the music started and she started singing every single word.

    louder and louder as the chorus kicked in.

    even her dad started humming along to the hit.


    the xbi doc says i eat too many tacos.

    i says he talks too much.

    yesterday was slow. who knows why. i was distracted. my spidey zen senses werent in tune.

    was it the disturbance in the force regarding what was happening in 93117?

    who knows. im too sensitive a poet. so i found myself parked behind tacos arizas and those puppys aint gonna eat themselves.

    although their C rating says you shouldnt bet against it.

    and of course as soon as i do my beeper goes off and i drove up to the residence and it was classy

    so i threw a perfectly good taco into the trash can.

    some religions send you to hell for that.


    guy turned out was a master beer maker. successful. bearded. soft spoken. bi costal.

    he said the people of miami love the heat but they cant afford to go to the games

    yet the people who go to the games arent all that crazy about hoops.

    he said he likes the food better in LA.

    i was all, is it true that the women wear as close to nothing as possible, but in a stylish manner?

    he said, yes, they enjoy being seen.

    well that makes one of us.

    i do everything i can to blend in.

    i guess i can do that when im dead.

    we shared a mutual affection towards The Clash

    and we both agreed how genius the heinekin promotion was at coachella

    where if you brought heinis to the show they would keep them cold for you in their “house”


    after i dropped him off i saw this annoying parade of kids in duck hats and dogs and leashes.

    annoying because it was so slow and a pretty wide thoroughfare.

    i think people think its ok for cute things to break laws and be unsafe.

    the light turned green right after i clicked this picture and five seconds of my day was

    wasted at that intersection.

    i considered writing a letter to my congressperson.

    but hell if i know her/his name


    about once a week a transgendered or crossed dressed person is my passenger in my ubermobile

    usually it’s female names.

    the last few have been very tall skinny half naked people and

    it seemed like they wanted to talk but they didnt really wanna talk

    one passenger however did tell me they were just in a dungeon

    doing a photo shoot

    so when you drive around LA just think

    there are dungeons

    and photo shoots

    of all sorts happening.


    i am probably the only person who sees little art or value in this and yet people love it so much they cant contain their love

    if there is a small town or metropolis who wants to draw a literal moth-to-light constant stream of people

    all you need to do is hook up 100 street lights in a simple pattern

    and turn them on at night.

    they will love it so much they’ll even come in the day time.


    tried the new grilled talipia meal at yoshinoya as i was getting my car detailed across the street.

    it was definitely ¡m m!

    grilled fish, good portions, over rice, with a side of the crappiest salad you could imagine = $6

    the lemon garlic butter sauce turned the good into great


    likewise one psycho with messed up priorities

    and access to guns and hundreds of bullets.

    can turn great into sad.

    my man sean wallace reminds us what the sean white band taught us on their

    i.v. e.p. n.a. on l.p. or c.d.