nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, May 28, 2015

    throwback thursday morning 

    6850 DPshe wasnt the prettiest girl but i wasnt neither.

    she climbed over the sweaters and remote controls and made her way above my face.

    what time is it, i asked, she said who cares. so i clapped my hands twice and the christmas lights added some color to the formerly pitch black room.

    she asked did you like? i said, whats not to like?

    she said did you love?

    which is a strong word even for someone like me who throws around other four-letter words like it aint no thing

    because in the grande scheme of things, tis no thing but an onion ring.

    so i said oui.

    she wasnt buying it.

    when was the last time you really really really loved something? she whispered into my ear while manipulating my moneymaker beneath the duvet.

    i thought and i thought and i had to go back in time.

    but was that love love, i questioned? was it lust? was i beyonce in love? was it all a cabaret old chum?

    i said i loved seeing ac/dc in coachella while wearing an ac/dc shirt and shorts and singing a long.

    she said you shouldnt have to spend that much time remembering the last time you loved something.

    every week you should have many things on that list.

    you deserve it.

    and i said i do?

    and she looked me right in the eyes and said

    i do.

  2. Thursday, May 7, 2015

    sometimes i think things and i think god are you dumb 

    sidney poitier tony curtis jack lemmoni think you know that path is stupid. you know nothing, jon snow, can be made of that.

    but i obsess.

    i have two cats. when they hear my bedroom door open they go crazy and they tear around the corner and they run in my room and they go over to the book case and look at the books.

    i say to them, what are you gonna read? what is your deal.

    it’s more about being in a place they know theyre not really welcome, than actually being somewhere they can rock.

    they have the whole mansion, the only room off limits (every now and then) is my room.

    but omg they love being in there.

    once they get comfortable they do the unimaginable: they chase after shadows and phantoms that they “see” in my sheets.

    they pounce on things that dont exist.

    sometimes my foot is under what doesnt exist and i fling them off the bed. so that they’ll learn.

    but they dont learn and neither do i.

    i too search in the shadows for mythical treasures.

    everything that i want is right in front of me and wearing signs that say Good or Bad but thats not good enough.

    i live in a giant city where things are clearly marked and yet i hunt. mostly online. but sometimes in dreams.

    where is it. where is she. where am i. who am i. how can i do this. what can i do here.


    and nothing.

    until the Good Lord flings me off of this giant waterbed called Hollywood.

    and back into yr heart.

  3. Thursday, April 9, 2015

    she said i feel like the desert just sucked all the bad LA 

    11139803_10153192772353057_1894841989_nout of me

    and turned it into windy sand.

    wide parking spaces, pigeons, and artificial grass.

    they got charlie parker is playing over the PA trying to be classy

    but it’s too loud, too forced.

    we get it.


    theres very little to find bad about kids laughing splashing in the pool

    they do this concert this time of year because it’s not yet super hot

    but its nice enough to take your shirt off.

    this place is like going to your grandmas house.

    everything is just so.

    nothings just so in hollywood

    Screen Shot 2015-04-09 at 7.05.15 PM

    im feeling terrific. the music sounds good.

    days off.

    and i get to drive.

    my wrists hurt, i smell like icy hot. i bought giant bananas


    and the struggle will be between having time to chill

    and grinding.

    the rates are higher out here and the blocks are longer.

    theres a kfc within walking distance of this poolside recliner.

    im so glad im here.

    im so lucky.


  4. Saturday, April 4, 2015

    it’s 11pm on a saturday night. ive been home for an hour. 

    esquirewhy? because i just drove the craziest drive ive ever drove.

    and it wasnt even for uber.

    someone was all, can you do me a favor, i know you have a nice car, would you drive these dudes across town. they’ll take care of you.

    i said sure.

    first they had me drive them to this penthouse. they needed a quick drink.

    then a smoke.

    they got in my car, told me where to go and immediately, because the beach crowd were done with the beach there was hella traffic.

    my gps told me we’d be there at 7:33. the main guy was all, if you can get us there before 7:30 i’ll give you an extra hundred bucks. i was all

    challenge accepted.

    ive shaved off a few minutes on long rides before, taking three minutes off a half hour trip would be nbd

    the three guys talk about work and the main guy starts, oh, they’re pretty buzzed, let that be known.

    so the main guy starts saying how much money he’s made over the last year.

    he starts tossing around the phrase millions and millions.

    it’s LA, could be true. and at some point they all get tired so they ask me if i have a wife


    any kids?


    so you have nothing? the guy asks.

    i like to think i have everything, i said.

    he said, what? what do you mean?

    i said, for example, and no disrespect, but if you said right now lets go to vegas

    i would not have to make one phone call or contact one soul

    i could go to vegas.

    and the three, very successful, and colorful, but married men said



    then the main guy says hey can i smoke in here?

    i go, sadly, no.

    he goes no??

    i say, look, you’re a man who values quality. in fact you asked for someone with a nice car. one reason people think it’s nice is because it smells… beautiful.

    he goes, $50, one cigarette.


    the boys start ooooohing.

    i say, so if i get us there by 7:30, it’s $200? 50 for the ride, 100 for getting there on time and 50 for a cigarette?

    he says yes. he had to. was just talking about millions.

    so we roll down all the windows, open the sunroof, beautiful day, and he smokes his cigarette.

    all while techno robot music is playing. his request.

    Tiesto, he asked for by name.

    here i had been whining about how i barely made 200 in eight hours yesterday and here i was gonna make it off a half hour ride.

    while being thoroughly entertained by these very smart but drunk high tech successful businessmen.

    the millionaire is loud, and keeps asking me to “look” at him while we were talking.

    i reminded him that i was driving the car.

    he insisted.

    the other gents let him do his thing because one he just may be that rich and two because he was actually funny. some drunk people are not. he was. and they were too.


    how far away are we tony?

    ten minutes.

    youre gonna get us all the way from here to there in ten minutes in This Traffic? the lead guy said.


    then i need another cigarette.

    no way, i say.

    dude goes, $50!

    i say, look man, this car is my money maker, in ten minutes you’ll be at your deal but i’m going to have a devalued car.

    he says, i swear i will hold it out the window. $250 when you drop us off.

    i said fine.

    two fiddy sal!

    we roll the windows down the musics playing he’s having a hard time lighting it so we roll down some windows

    when we get to the spot he tries to badger me into accepting his credit card.

    i was all you know the xbi is cash money

    he was all what? who?

    i said i can drive you to an atm

    he was like but we’re here.

    i said we’re downtown theres atms everywhere.

    one guy had to pee and come back, there was an exchange of cell phones and wallets.

    no one had cash they could lend him

    maybe because they thought it was absurd that id be getting two fiddy for that traffic filled yet subtly amazing crosstown driving all while telling their bro no a lot and charging extra for the simplest of pleasures.

    so when he returned from the atm i wasnt surprised when he said how about $200?

    i said fine

    went to the do it yourself car wash in historic filapino town, hosed it down, vacuumed it out, took the plastic booze cups out of the pockets of the back seats, and match sticks, and ashes, and drove fast on the freeway with the windows and sunroof open

    as van halen women and children first blasted out of the speeding c two fiddy

    down the hollywood freeway

    to the you buy we fry fish joint because the goal has been hit the night is over


  5. Tuesday, March 31, 2015

    they’re opening up another Kanpai 

    smokerthis one is gonna be about 2 miles away from the other one.

    which is good because if they opened up one near my house id need a third job.

    pretty girls call me to see whats up but i dont call em back.

    somewhere my mojo disappeared and i am uncertain as to how i get it back. the fellas at the xbi say drinking but come on.

    drinking is played out. plus i like waking up without the world pounding in my ears.

    drove a gorgeous girl up from beverly hills to baldwin hills last night. at first she didnt wanna talk so i respected that

    but then i got tired of not talking so i asked her where she was from and she said DC and i said i was born there and she started talking and talking and talking.

    then she said shes deciding between colleges: san diego state or uc santa barbara.

    i asked her, have you ever kissed a guy who had just smoked a whole cigarette?

    she laughed and said omg my ex bf in dc.

    i said san diego is like kissing a whole football team of guys who just smoked a carton of cigarettes.

    she said whats santa barbara like?

    i said it’s your first kiss that you’ll never forget.

    and when we finally got to her house i said, see you on DP on halloween!

    and she said, you just may,


  6. Thursday, March 26, 2015

    ali and i were talking about things we wanna do in our lives 


    she was so clear, so focused, it was beautiful.

    me, im more abstract and boring.

    i wanna help people.

    more specifically i wanna help people achieve their dreams.


    even more specifically i wanna help people while wearing a cubs hat and shorts.

    sadly yesterday on the radio i was listening to this guy say that men dont get taken seriously when they wear shorts.

    unless they won the lottery.

    so my new goal is to help people while wearing shorts after winning the lottery.

    however maybe a more realistic goal is to help people while being one of the few men who are respected for wearing shorts.


    by the way, nobody likes my shorts.

    i have several pairs of plaid shorts and two of the same pair of bathing trunks that have pockets

    thus shorts.

    the only people who like them are the good people of Las Vegas who dont care because i tip well.


    drove a fashion designer around today who focuses on mens fashions.

    i shoulda asked her if she would be interested in creating shorts for men which will DEMAND respect.

    DEMAND SHORTS they could be called.

    or RESPECT MY SHORTS could be stitched into the inseam or something.


    deep down i just wanna be a televangelist on one of those Christian cable channels.

    pretty sure St. Peter would love that and sneak me through the sneaky window

    if the show was good.

  7. Wednesday, March 25, 2015

    are ppl cray? oui 

    pieam i cray?

    oh hell yes.

    are ppl capable of beautifully delicious wonderfully selfless loveliness and miracles?


    is that why we should put up with each other?


    we should put up with each other because we are all children of God and when we diss one child we diss the creator, and since we are made in his image we are dissing ourselves.

    we should put up with each other because they put up with us on our bad days, of which there are many, and we need to thank them for that.

    we should put up with each other because theres really no one else

    we are it. they are us. we are we. us is us.

    hating ourselves is what the devil wants, not the angels.

    plus it’s lazy. hate something better than each other.

    hate gravity. hate darkness. hate cancer.

    or better yet, use that power to explore love.

    explore sexiness.

    explore hotness and joy and peace and funkiness.

    put up with yourself because thats what god does

    and love is whats closest to godliness.

  8. Wednesday, March 11, 2015

    Isabella Rosellini’s mom writes Cary Grant 

    094_073020Every now and then I stumble across something rare and super cool at work, which is weird because our libraries are filled with rare and super cool stuff.

    Today I found a great letter from Ingrid Bergman to her good friend Cary Grant in 1957 thanking him for accepting her Best Actress Oscar a few days previous. He had accepted the award for her because she was in quasi exile in Europe because she was in a scandalous relationship that was even denounced on the floor of the U.S. Senate(!).

    The scandal was so intense that Ed Sullivan wouldn’t have her on as a guest even though a poll voted on by viewers overwhelmingly said they wanted her on the show.

    Still Sullivan said no!

    What was the scandal? She fell in love with Roberto Rossellini her Italian director and divorced her husband to be with him and live in Italy and have little Italian bambinos.

    For 6-7 years she stayed in Europe making weird neorealistic films and being a mommy until her career shifted and she left Rosellini.

    Her first major studio movie in her comeback was Anastasia, which earned her the Oscar. It was a mild upset because she beat out Deborah Kerr who starred in the hugely popular My Fair Lady. Only problem was Kerr didn’t sing in the musical. There was a stunt singer. And how do you give someone an Oscar for a musical where they didnt sing?

    Thus Bergman won and her career was back on track. But first Grant accepted for her. And she sent him a terrific letter filled with cute little typewriter typos and actual real insights about her “getting” it that she had omg won an Oscar.

    The year after she won she returned to the U.S. to present the Best Picture at the Oscars and was given a standing ovation by the audience.

    they loved her again.

    they had never stopped.

    screw the senate, screw ed sullivan’s really big shoe, screw anyone who said a woman couldnt divorce her husband.

  9. Tuesday, March 10, 2015

    if i had kids, the biggest lesson id teach them is life isnt fair 

    springid tell them some people will be richer in finances than you could ever imagine

    and some will be poorer in the pocketbook than you’d ever know.

    some will be able to drink bottles and bottles of wine, and some, even if they had a little glass would freak out.

    id tell them some will be able to hit a ball left handed and run superfast to first

    and some will swing and miss every time and never get better.

    id tell them that this isnt a terrible game The Good Lord plays on us,

    instead it’s a wonderful game

    to see what we are really made of.

    in books, movies, and tv shows we see how things, stuff, possessions, and cash rarely make the rich happy for very long.

    even the kardashians and kanye show us that no matter what they accumulate, they arent any more joyous and happy than Honey Boo Boo, whose parents broke up once they got rich and famous.

    happiness is the goal.

    love is the target.

    and the secret ingredient through all of that is trust.

    trust your bffs, trust the Lord, trust the process, trust nature, trust your heart.

    and most importantly trust that the angels above knew what they were doing when

    they sent theo epstein from boston to chicago for a bag of beans.

    trust that he is building the team that will right all the wrongs cub fans have endured over the years

    and once we win the world series, our hair will grow back

    our cavities will be filled

    and our hearts will be healed


  10. Friday, February 6, 2015

    mom, dont look at this post 


    my moms the best mom ever. shes just looking out for her first born.


    she grew up in a time and a place where everyone was nicer and sweeter and way more polite


    except for the crazies discriminating and hanging black people and making them feel terrible about their skin


    so when i swear or use the lords name in vain or put up a “weird” picture, she’ll text me


    “whats going on with all the cursing, are you ok?”


    im totally ok ma, i teller, sometimes you gotta keep it real


    when i was at E! she was very sad because i was cursing like a sailor. same when i was running LAist


    at the Times, my boss advised me to tone it down and man was ma on top of the world.


    where i work now no one cares about this blog because blogging is dead and you know what good


    because even the good book keeps trying to tell us that when you die…


    …you go to heaven


    and in heaven everything is beautiful, even the four letter words