busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, April 9, 2015

    she said i feel like the desert just sucked all the bad LA 

    11139803_10153192772353057_1894841989_nout of me

    and turned it into windy sand.

    wide parking spaces, pigeons, and artificial grass.

    they got charlie parker is playing over the PA trying to be classy

    but it’s too loud, too forced.

    we get it.

    vacation.

    theres very little to find bad about kids laughing splashing in the pool

    they do this concert this time of year because it’s not yet super hot

    but its nice enough to take your shirt off.

    this place is like going to your grandmas house.

    everything is just so.

    nothings just so in hollywood

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    im feeling terrific. the music sounds good.

    days off.

    and i get to drive.

    my wrists hurt, i smell like icy hot. i bought giant bananas

    obscenely

    and the struggle will be between having time to chill

    and grinding.

    the rates are higher out here and the blocks are longer.

    theres a kfc within walking distance of this poolside recliner.

    im so glad im here.

    im so lucky.

    so

  2. Saturday, April 4, 2015

    it’s 11pm on a saturday night. ive been home for an hour. 

    esquirewhy? because i just drove the craziest drive ive ever drove.

    and it wasnt even for uber.

    someone was all, can you do me a favor, i know you have a nice car, would you drive these dudes across town. they’ll take care of you.

    i said sure.

    first they had me drive them to this penthouse. they needed a quick drink.

    then a smoke.

    they got in my car, told me where to go and immediately, because the beach crowd were done with the beach there was hella traffic.

    my gps told me we’d be there at 7:33. the main guy was all, if you can get us there before 7:30 i’ll give you an extra hundred bucks. i was all

    challenge accepted.

    ive shaved off a few minutes on long rides before, taking three minutes off a half hour trip would be nbd

    the three guys talk about work and the main guy starts, oh, they’re pretty buzzed, let that be known.

    so the main guy starts saying how much money he’s made over the last year.

    he starts tossing around the phrase millions and millions.

    it’s LA, could be true. and at some point they all get tired so they ask me if i have a wife

    whatno.

    any kids?

    no.

    so you have nothing? the guy asks.

    i like to think i have everything, i said.

    he said, what? what do you mean?

    i said, for example, and no disrespect, but if you said right now lets go to vegas

    i would not have to make one phone call or contact one soul

    i could go to vegas.

    and the three, very successful, and colorful, but married men said

    yeah

    yeah.

    then the main guy says hey can i smoke in here?

    i go, sadly, no.

    he goes no??

    i say, look, you’re a man who values quality. in fact you asked for someone with a nice car. one reason people think it’s nice is because it smells… beautiful.

    he goes, $50, one cigarette.

    bear

    the boys start ooooohing.

    i say, so if i get us there by 7:30, it’s $200? 50 for the ride, 100 for getting there on time and 50 for a cigarette?

    he says yes. he had to. was just talking about millions.

    so we roll down all the windows, open the sunroof, beautiful day, and he smokes his cigarette.

    all while techno robot music is playing. his request.

    Tiesto, he asked for by name.

    here i had been whining about how i barely made 200 in eight hours yesterday and here i was gonna make it off a half hour ride.

    while being thoroughly entertained by these very smart but drunk high tech successful businessmen.

    the millionaire is loud, and keeps asking me to “look” at him while we were talking.

    i reminded him that i was driving the car.

    he insisted.

    the other gents let him do his thing because one he just may be that rich and two because he was actually funny. some drunk people are not. he was. and they were too.

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    how far away are we tony?

    ten minutes.

    youre gonna get us all the way from here to there in ten minutes in This Traffic? the lead guy said.

    yes.

    then i need another cigarette.

    no way, i say.

    dude goes, $50!

    i say, look man, this car is my money maker, in ten minutes you’ll be at your deal but i’m going to have a devalued car.

    he says, i swear i will hold it out the window. $250 when you drop us off.

    i said fine.

    two fiddy sal!

    we roll the windows down the musics playing he’s having a hard time lighting it so we roll down some windows

    when we get to the spot he tries to badger me into accepting his credit card.

    i was all you know the xbi is cash money

    he was all what? who?

    i said i can drive you to an atm

    he was like but we’re here.

    i said we’re downtown theres atms everywhere.

    one guy had to pee and come back, there was an exchange of cell phones and wallets.

    no one had cash they could lend him

    maybe because they thought it was absurd that id be getting two fiddy for that traffic filled yet subtly amazing crosstown driving all while telling their bro no a lot and charging extra for the simplest of pleasures.

    so when he returned from the atm i wasnt surprised when he said how about $200?

    i said fine

    went to the do it yourself car wash in historic filapino town, hosed it down, vacuumed it out, took the plastic booze cups out of the pockets of the back seats, and match sticks, and ashes, and drove fast on the freeway with the windows and sunroof open

    as van halen women and children first blasted out of the speeding c two fiddy

    down the hollywood freeway

    to the you buy we fry fish joint because the goal has been hit the night is over

    early

  3. Tuesday, March 31, 2015

    they’re opening up another Kanpai 

    smokerthis one is gonna be about 2 miles away from the other one.

    which is good because if they opened up one near my house id need a third job.

    pretty girls call me to see whats up but i dont call em back.

    somewhere my mojo disappeared and i am uncertain as to how i get it back. the fellas at the xbi say drinking but come on.

    drinking is played out. plus i like waking up without the world pounding in my ears.

    drove a gorgeous girl up from beverly hills to baldwin hills last night. at first she didnt wanna talk so i respected that

    but then i got tired of not talking so i asked her where she was from and she said DC and i said i was born there and she started talking and talking and talking.

    then she said shes deciding between colleges: san diego state or uc santa barbara.

    i asked her, have you ever kissed a guy who had just smoked a whole cigarette?

    she laughed and said omg my ex bf in dc.

    i said san diego is like kissing a whole football team of guys who just smoked a carton of cigarettes.

    she said whats santa barbara like?

    i said it’s your first kiss that you’ll never forget.

    and when we finally got to her house i said, see you on DP on halloween!

    and she said, you just may,

    tony

  4. Thursday, March 26, 2015

    ali and i were talking about things we wanna do in our lives 

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    she was so clear, so focused, it was beautiful.

    me, im more abstract and boring.

    i wanna help people.

    more specifically i wanna help people achieve their dreams.

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    even more specifically i wanna help people while wearing a cubs hat and shorts.

    sadly yesterday on the radio i was listening to this guy say that men dont get taken seriously when they wear shorts.

    unless they won the lottery.

    so my new goal is to help people while wearing shorts after winning the lottery.

    however maybe a more realistic goal is to help people while being one of the few men who are respected for wearing shorts.

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    by the way, nobody likes my shorts.

    i have several pairs of plaid shorts and two of the same pair of bathing trunks that have pockets

    thus shorts.

    the only people who like them are the good people of Las Vegas who dont care because i tip well.

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    drove a fashion designer around today who focuses on mens fashions.

    i shoulda asked her if she would be interested in creating shorts for men which will DEMAND respect.

    DEMAND SHORTS they could be called.

    or RESPECT MY SHORTS could be stitched into the inseam or something.

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    deep down i just wanna be a televangelist on one of those Christian cable channels.

    pretty sure St. Peter would love that and sneak me through the sneaky window

    if the show was good.

  5. Wednesday, March 25, 2015

    are ppl cray? oui 

    pieam i cray?

    oh hell yes.

    are ppl capable of beautifully delicious wonderfully selfless loveliness and miracles?

    def

    is that why we should put up with each other?

    no.

    we should put up with each other because we are all children of God and when we diss one child we diss the creator, and since we are made in his image we are dissing ourselves.

    we should put up with each other because they put up with us on our bad days, of which there are many, and we need to thank them for that.

    we should put up with each other because theres really no one else

    we are it. they are us. we are we. us is us.

    hating ourselves is what the devil wants, not the angels.

    plus it’s lazy. hate something better than each other.

    hate gravity. hate darkness. hate cancer.

    or better yet, use that power to explore love.

    explore sexiness.

    explore hotness and joy and peace and funkiness.

    put up with yourself because thats what god does

    and love is whats closest to godliness.

  6. Wednesday, March 11, 2015

    Isabella Rosellini’s mom writes Cary Grant 

    094_073020Every now and then I stumble across something rare and super cool at work, which is weird because our libraries are filled with rare and super cool stuff.

    Today I found a great letter from Ingrid Bergman to her good friend Cary Grant in 1957 thanking him for accepting her Best Actress Oscar a few days previous. He had accepted the award for her because she was in quasi exile in Europe because she was in a scandalous relationship that was even denounced on the floor of the U.S. Senate(!).

    The scandal was so intense that Ed Sullivan wouldn’t have her on as a guest even though a poll voted on by viewers overwhelmingly said they wanted her on the show.

    Still Sullivan said no!

    What was the scandal? She fell in love with Roberto Rossellini her Italian director and divorced her husband to be with him and live in Italy and have little Italian bambinos.

    For 6-7 years she stayed in Europe making weird neorealistic films and being a mommy until her career shifted and she left Rosellini.

    Her first major studio movie in her comeback was Anastasia, which earned her the Oscar. It was a mild upset because she beat out Deborah Kerr who starred in the hugely popular My Fair Lady. Only problem was Kerr didn’t sing in the musical. There was a stunt singer. And how do you give someone an Oscar for a musical where they didnt sing?

    Thus Bergman won and her career was back on track. But first Grant accepted for her. And she sent him a terrific letter filled with cute little typewriter typos and actual real insights about her “getting” it that she had omg won an Oscar.

    The year after she won she returned to the U.S. to present the Best Picture at the Oscars and was given a standing ovation by the audience.

    they loved her again.

    they had never stopped.

    screw the senate, screw ed sullivan’s really big shoe, screw anyone who said a woman couldnt divorce her husband.

  7. Tuesday, March 10, 2015

    if i had kids, the biggest lesson id teach them is life isnt fair 

    springid tell them some people will be richer in finances than you could ever imagine

    and some will be poorer in the pocketbook than you’d ever know.

    some will be able to drink bottles and bottles of wine, and some, even if they had a little glass would freak out.

    id tell them some will be able to hit a ball left handed and run superfast to first

    and some will swing and miss every time and never get better.

    id tell them that this isnt a terrible game The Good Lord plays on us,

    instead it’s a wonderful game

    to see what we are really made of.

    in books, movies, and tv shows we see how things, stuff, possessions, and cash rarely make the rich happy for very long.

    even the kardashians and kanye show us that no matter what they accumulate, they arent any more joyous and happy than Honey Boo Boo, whose parents broke up once they got rich and famous.

    happiness is the goal.

    love is the target.

    and the secret ingredient through all of that is trust.

    trust your bffs, trust the Lord, trust the process, trust nature, trust your heart.

    and most importantly trust that the angels above knew what they were doing when

    they sent theo epstein from boston to chicago for a bag of beans.

    trust that he is building the team that will right all the wrongs cub fans have endured over the years

    and once we win the world series, our hair will grow back

    our cavities will be filled

    and our hearts will be healed

    forever.

  8. Friday, February 6, 2015

    mom, dont look at this post 

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    my moms the best mom ever. shes just looking out for her first born.

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    she grew up in a time and a place where everyone was nicer and sweeter and way more polite

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    except for the crazies discriminating and hanging black people and making them feel terrible about their skin

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    so when i swear or use the lords name in vain or put up a “weird” picture, she’ll text me

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    “whats going on with all the cursing, are you ok?”

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    im totally ok ma, i teller, sometimes you gotta keep it real

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    when i was at E! she was very sad because i was cursing like a sailor. same when i was running LAist

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    at the Times, my boss advised me to tone it down and man was ma on top of the world.

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    where i work now no one cares about this blog because blogging is dead and you know what good

    tumblr_n9ewyxMbjQ1ti14u1o1_1280

    because even the good book keeps trying to tell us that when you die…

    tumblr_nj7b0sZ0ti1tavz3go1_540

    …you go to heaven

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    and in heaven everything is beautiful, even the four letter words

    Elvis_Costello_-_Get_Happy!!

    (amen)

  9. Thursday, January 29, 2015

    andrew sullivan quit blogging today: good 

    kennedy deppi didnt read his whole deal, because it was whining, but i understand.

    blogging isn’t easy. especially marathon blogging. and for sure its a grind when youre writing about politics.

    but judging from what i read, bro was sad that there isn’t a vibrant blogging community out there any more, and it seemed he was sad there wasnt a bunch of money left in it neither.

    to quote the great artie lang: whaaaaaaaaa.

    omg boo hoo you cant make a bucketload from writing on the web.

    i say good.

    when the blogosphere was buzzing, those were some good times, but does no one remember all the scum? all the lame ass blogs trying to teach you how to make money from your crappy crap?

    all the blogs that were just echos of the others?

    ignorance on top of ignorance sprinkled with annoyance?

    all of those ppl are gone now.

    now is the time the real bloggers are doing their thing.

    anyone can blog when there are ads paying your rent and commentors fueling your ego

    the real writing happens in a lonesome, empty

    darkly lit

    pit.

    now is the worst time to bail.

  10. Thursday, January 22, 2015

    after the winds come and go 

    tupac and snoop doggand the rain and the three cold days

    the stars come back, a miracle because of

    all the light pollution

    and they just wanna hang there.

    they think we’re better

    than we think we are.

    imagine that.

    prettiest things in the universe.

    my doctor says the xbi doctor is right

    that im gonna live as long as those stars

    so i probably should stop it with the mcdonalds breakfasts.

    how about no drive thrus until after 8pm

    she asked snapping the rubber glove.

    im always down for a challenge.

    this is the creamiest avocado ive ever had.

    how is that possible.

    how is anything possible.

    we are robots with self charging solar batteries and the most miraculous cpus.

    you know why i believe in god?

    because he showed off

    with our eyes.

    not just practical

    but

    and .

    the big bang doesnt accidentally produce eyes like yrs