busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, October 27, 2018

    a lesson in faith 

    i got a twitter direct message from a young lady who said she wanted to meet me.

    that’s nothing new. look how handsome and successful i am!

    she said she had been reading the busblog since 2003, was friends with Moxie, and wanted to make an authentic Indian dinner for Amber and I and then tell us a great story.

    apparently somewhere i said online that i liked to hear great stories. (which is true)

    the problem is all of that could have been lies. anyone can say theyre friends with anyone. who knows.

    meanwhile i am meeting more than my fair share of strangers on my secret project and one weird little quirk about me: i don’t like plans, planning, or having to be somewhere at a certain time and place. i would much rather someone be spontaneous with me and say yo tony tomorrow we’re gonna blah blah blah come over.

    but truth be told id probably figure out a way to avoid that too because deep down im a very shy person who wants to move to central oregon and live on a farm and raise weed that i can sell and give the profits to orphans and invest in half way houses for drunks and drug addicts.

    but somewhere i read someone saying that she was going to start saying yes to things. and i thought that was an interesting approach at life. i know how frustrating it is to have a well of brilliant ideas and have one person after another say no to me for a variety of reasons.

    so i said yes to this internet stranger who i had never met and amber said are you crazy, theyre going to kill you and bury your remains in the backyard like they did with that wall street journal guy.

    i said, i have never said anything bad about the saudi royal family! she said yes but you regularily berate trump and moxie is a republican which means this young lady is probably republican too which means theyre digging a hole right now for you and they’ll torture you too if you go there.

    so she was out. plus she was feeling sick.

    i Googled “what wine goes well with Indian food?” i went to the store, bought two bottles and drove to the address. (Google said white!) on the way i called my mom who said “ive raised a fool. text me when this is over so i know youre not dead.”

    got to the house and weirdly it was about three blocks from the Academy in beverly hills, on a street that i had walked maybe 100 times on my way to my favorite chinese joint. the house was colorful and beautiful. i was introduced to her soft spoken brother, his beautiful wife, and their youngest son, a teenager attending beverly hills high school. i couldn’t have found a nicer family to be murdered by.

    he offered me an IPA and i accepted. would it be poisoned?

    earlier i had told my mom that if things had worked out differently i would have been a monk or a priest and one of the things youre supposed to do is eat, when invited, at the homes of the parishioners. and they are supposed to invite you over since you are penniless. of course i said this on blue tooth through the most expensive iphone apple has ever made while in a mercedes benz. but still the principal remained: in life we should ask for the things that we want, and if someone asks something of us, we should do our best to say yes.

    especially if there’s nothing in it for us.

    im not a monk. i can pay for my own meal. i can find plenty of people to break bread with. why do it with strangers? simple: they asked.

    her name was Sunana, but because i had never met her i didnt know how to pronounce it. on the way  over i practiced: sun-anna? sue-nana? Google was no help. neither was Siri. but fortunately through conversation i heard her sister say it and i was in the clear.

    both her brother and sister in law are doctors and the teen wants to be one too. Sunana is a fantastic cook and the only republican of the bunch. but everyone loved her for good reason. she is very sweet and brought me there not for evil, but to see if i could help her brother.

    help? thats what a monk loves to do most of all!

    because everyone was so smart the conversation went from sports to politics to medicine to education to LA to the midwest (they’re all midwesterners) to my secret project and finally to how i could help.

    i heard the fascinating story. i agreed to help. i gave them three names. but later i decided to reach out to a fourth and a fifth. we chatted for maybe four hours. Sunana sent me home with a tupperwear of three of the dishes we had eaten and i have to tell you

    i loved every second of it.

    it was a warm, beautiful home, inhabited by warm beautiful people who have spent their lives serving strangers via garnering as much education that they could collect. her brother is a cancer researcher, for goodness sake, which i always considered a lost cause because lets get real, how many times have we heard of someone getting cancer and it kills them? but unlike me, bro is no quitter. he sees challenges and accepts them. he is met with a problem and says ok how do we fix this? which is what i am all about too. (sometimes) (rarely)

    one of the funniest moments was when he mentioned the bible and Jesus and i said “oh so you are Christians?” and the ladies said. “no we are Hindu, this is the first we’ve heard him mention Jesus!”

    when the Cubs won the World Series two Octobers ago a few things happened to me and a few of my friends. one of them was we had to re-evaluate our life goals. little had we known but having the Cubs win was our #1 goal. even though we couldn’t really do anything about it. and once they won, and the immediate euphoria had passed, some of us felt confused and a bit depressed and rudderless.

    me, i started not giving a crap about anything else. wanna kill me and bury me in your backyard? who cares, we won the World Series.

    but the good news about not giving a crap is you are free.

    whatever this new chapter is about, is truly new and truly unique because it is not anchored to anything else.

    what do you do when the monkey is off your back?

    go apeshit.

    धन्यवाद

     

  2. Sunday, June 10, 2018

    this was a tough week 

    careful readers may have noticed that i hadnt updated in almost a full week.

    not sure that has ever been done in the history of this blog, but as soul asylum said about records

    they were made to be broken.

    when bad things happen we get to take a good hard look at what things matter.

    we get to rewind the tape and see if we we missed any signs.

    did Fred not wanna go see Solo with me because he was depressed or because Star Wars films are becoming less special?

    playing detective with our memories is an interesting game for a little while but only if it changes our behaviors going forward. how can we become better friends, boyfriends, employees, neighbors, strangers?

    it’s weeks like these that make me wonder about little moments that make my day: when people are nice in traffic, when an old man shakes his head at a bad parker, when a homeless man tells me a funny and unexpected joke, when i read a funny comment on reddit, when an old song from the past gets reunited with my insatiable ears, when i feel at home out in the streets.

    how can we be in the world so that we put a smile on other people’s faces as we continue slouching towards bethlehem?

    theres very little in this world that i have truly wanted that i have not received. and i am so grateful to that.

    right now my phone is streaming a recording of Czech pianist leading a Mozart concerto. the music is being sent through the air to a Marshall speaker that looks like one of their famous guitar amps. my cat is purring at my lap and soon i will be reading the Bible from an iPad.

    we are living in some of the weirdest and yet magical periods of time.

    i am so grateful.

    and i am committed to being a good spirit in this dance.

  3. Thursday, May 24, 2018

    do you ever get super discouraged 

    do you ever feel like wanting to quit

    do you ever think, holy crap the haters are right!

    do you ever say, fuck this shit im better than this hassle

    do you ever wonder, why me god, arent i your favorite son

    do you ever say to yourself this is not my beautiful wife

    do you sometimes just throw yourself in your bed and cry into your pillow as your cats lick your heels

    and then you kick them away

    do you ever look at your bank account and stock portfolio and assets and inside your safe and say

    i know money is bullshit but mama mia im a college grad AND a homeless person

    do you ever raise your fist at the sky and say just take me now

    do you ever point at your enemy and say i feel so terrible i curse you and everyone who supports you

    do you ever think even my blog isn’t any good any more which means im not any good any more

    and then do you think maybe i was never worth shit even in the past

    do you ever find yourself passing out on so much stress and anger and angst and booze and pills and

    and and and that you say yes this is how i wanna end it, passed out on a koreatown bench

    me neither.

  4. Saturday, May 12, 2018

    dear tony, how do i get this thing that i want? 

    the vast majority of questions that i have gotten recently are about attaining things. material objects, dreams, jobs, etc

    and the answer is ridiculously simple: persist.

    as we know from video games, nearly all of your opponents will be dumb, slow, and eventually predictable.

    only at the end of the level will you be challenged with a person or a scenario where you might fail a few times (or more than a few times) before you succeed.

    learn from these battles and look for the patterns.

    if the giant slaps you twice with his left hand before going for his crossbow, then stop what you are doing on the second slap and dive at him when he reaches back.

    same with life. note what your reactions are to things and how those become unhelpful to that particular move. maybe you are the one who is tipping off his patterns.

    if you want the attention of a pretty girl, for example, and you find that you keep needing to have your lawyer pay them off so they doesn’t rat you out to the press

    maybe getting a new lawyer isn’t the answer.

    we all want to get as many points in this video game as we can, but we also should do it in as cool a way as possible.

    the first time i actually wanted to be someone else was when i was at the roller rink watching this one dude dominate on Defender while smoking a cigarette while on roller skates. he was probably 14 . he played with ease. he was not reacting to the onslaught he was dancing within the patterns.

    he knew not to shake the machine by yanking the controls because his beer would spill.

    study what it is that you want.

    be cool about it.

    dont quit and dont spill yr beer.

  5. Thursday, September 7, 2017

    if you ever feel down, youre not alone 

    and it’s easy to feel that way nowadays

    we’ve got a president who seriously doesnt give a damn

    hurricanes all up in our south

    dodgers are falling apart

    less people are paying $13.75 a ticket to see movies

    gas prices, house prices, get your Benz serviced prices.

    i saw a kid, a little kid the other day with his hands in his pockets just crying

    i was all, why you crying little brother

    he said, i just watched the news for 20 minutes.

    i gave him a hug and was arrested immediately.

    does north korea wanna blow us up?

    does russia want us to implode?

    do the republicans want anything else other than mo money mo money mo money?

    will rock and roll ever come back to save our souls?

    and for Heavens sake will uber finally raise their fares or lower their fees so we drivers can catch a break?

    no.

    nothing good is coming except Jesus.

    and when He comes it’s the grand finale.

    but here’s the good news:

    nothing in here is true.

    the gray skies will turn blue.

    and i’ll forever love you.

    and that’s how you start walking in the right light.

  6. Sunday, May 7, 2017
  7. Thursday, March 30, 2017

    might have to drive all night tonight 

    last week i didnt drive because uber was being weird about the money they owed me

    so i tried to do lyft premium only but we all know they dont have enough passengers right now for that to be sustainable

    so i am a little behind in my affairs thus

    i may have to pull an outrageous double shift of work tonight.

    i wanna see this pretty girl who says nice things to me but when the rubber hits the road shes nowhere, man

    maybe its anxiety. maybe im gross. well, i AM gross. i cant even stand to look at myself some mornings.

    other days im all, hey put on some pants, you.

    lyft has a deal that if i can do 15 rides tonight they’ll give me $80. thats like getting a $5 tip for every ride. dont you think i would drive all night if i knew everyone was gonna tip me $5?

    what will i do with the money? ive got debts somehow! how did that happen?

    i know how. you make money and you think that’ll always happen. then it slows down and you arent paying off that plastic the way you used to.

    i cant even imagine what id do if i couldnt drive. would i freelance? i never liked freelancing. chasing down money. writing for people who didnt understand you. and omg the stress.

    which is why i dont understand this pretty girl. all that every happens when we hang out are sweet things.

    i may have even lit a few candles the last time. i may have even turned on the aroma machine. i may have even put on some good music.

    men are from mars we think theres logically solutions to all problems. and not having a runway model spin, turn, and walk down your hallway as the cats watch and the shadows dance on the mexican blanket curtains is a problem.

    unlike the debts, there are a zillion solutions in LA to this particular dilemma

    which is weird because theres two zillion answers to the debt deal in this town,

    trust me

  8. Wednesday, March 22, 2017

    people should be allowed to do what they want in this life 

    they should be able to love who they want

    wear what they want

    work where they want

    live what they want.

    people should be able to say whatever the fuck they want.

    film what they want

    rock out they way they want

    and get paid off by whoever they want.

    if people want to talk behind peoples back, they should be allowed to.

    if people want to paint their house pink, they should be allowed to.

    if they wanna drive 55, it should be ok

    if they wanna drive 155, people should get outta the way.

    if they wanna play the lottery

    or fantasy baseball

    or satanic verses

    or nursery rhymes, everyone should say fuck yeah nursery rhymes.

    people should not be able to use leaf blowers before noon.

    garbage trucks should not be a thing until 11:30am

    all bars should be open 24 hours a day

    and banks, especially if they insist on being on every corner, should be forced to stay open until 10pm

    and you should be allowed to do DMV activity in there

    and also pay your rent

    and your cable bill.

    there should be free condoms everywhere.

    there should be a pinball machine in every 7-11

    kids should learn about sex and cooking and auto repair

    starting in kindergarten

    if a cop is found guilty of breaking the law,

    they should get double the penalty as a non cop.

    and if a cat is caught pooping inches away from the kitty litter box

    instead of inside of it,

    it should be set free to roam the streets of hollywood

    since it wants to just poop wherever.

    cats should be allowed to poop wherever

    just not in my bachelor pad

    of love.

    and finally,

    if someone wants me to like them back,

    like like-like them back,

    it is extremely easy:

    trust me times a million

    never lie to me

    always do exactly what i say

    never doubt me

    and never cancel on me.

    good things will happen.

    i am not like your stupid dumbass lying ass boyfriends of years gone by.

    i am the busblog.

  9. Wednesday, February 1, 2017

    found a lady’s camera in my back seat the other day 

    so i turned off the thing and drove over to the restaurant i had dropped she and her sister at

    spanish place. classy.

    looked around didnt see her. talked to the hostess.

    nothing. did a little report on the uber app.

    couple days later no response so i opened it up

    and it was a film camera.

    old school like.

    maybe she was giving it back to the Earth.

    maybe i need to do something with it.

    maybe its a magic camera

  10. Wednesday, January 18, 2017

    are the russians hacking the mobile site? 

    da!

    do i care?

    na!

    why not?

    because life is fleeting, our moments are precious.

    this is all a dress rehearsal for heaven

    this is why you have to learn to breakdance

    no other planet in the universe has The Robot or slam dancing or The Moonwalk

    how do i know this? BECAUSE I KNOW THINGS!

    so when we get to Heaven and we meet some cute girls from Planet Zip

    the best ways that we are going to impress them is not by talking

    but by doing the Worm.

    if you think girls on Earth like a man who can dance, just wait till you start doing your thing in front of a couple of girls from Zip, and then bust into the Robot — look out is all i gotta say.

    Look out.

    so fuck the Russians. Fuck what they’re doing to the World Famous. fuck what plans theyve got. fuck why theyre doing it.

    we are from Earth. unlike some of our leaders, we have thick skin. we can accept the body blow body blow body blow upper cut.

    we know how to do the damn thing and we will do the damn thing. thats why people love us. thats why we love us.

    thats why God blessed us with the Internet.

    because we could handle it and make art with it.

    and kiss it right in the mouth.

    which is what my advice is to you about your problems: french kiss those fuckers.

    and if you want, wipe your hand with your sleeve after.