nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, January 30, 2016

    the good book says dont pay attention to wealth down here 

    big house

    it says its a fools game. that it amounts to nothing. that it fixes nothing. that our treasure is not here but in the kingdom of heaven. that if we like pools and hottubs in winchester square imagine what theyd be like on cloud 9 with marilyn sitting poolside and hendrix strumming from under the cabana

    and dean martin mixing the drinks and kurt cobain plucking the mandolin

    the good book says that down here we have other goals that we should work on, like helping the poor and being good to each other and reflecting light

    not absorbing it.

    i am a sinner in so many ways its incredible that im allowed even to walk outside without getting struck by lightning. my mind is a sewer, my heart is unpure, my writings are so filthy i have to put a disclaimer on my collected works

    and worst of all i dont think ive ever fully satisfied a woman except that one time a long time ago, but that girl was on drugs and drunk and who knows if she was really telling the truth, although hips dont lie, i suppose.

    but today is a new day, a blank slate, and thats what the good lord wants for us all, to know that the reason he forgives sins is so we can move on, unfettered, so we can be better, so we dont think to ourselves oh why even bother im so far behind the 8 ball who cares. well we all care. we all want everyone to do and be better because we are all monkeys in the barrel hoping to get a monkey arm in our face which pulls us up.

    tonight imma drive because i gotta pay off these springsteen seats i got which are in the furthest recesses of the night, but im in the building. and id rather be in the nosebleeds in heaven than front row in hell.

  2. Tuesday, January 26, 2016

    woke up in the middle of the night barfing 

    jim mcmahon and walter payton

    it was one of those things that happens every now and then.

    all this bile in my gut rises in my throat and tries to suffocate me in my sleep.

    i usually have the most deep, peaceful, black out sleeps.

    but every once and a while there’s a disturbance in the force.

    a blue moon.

    as a wolf howls on top of a berm.

    there are two types of people, my murderous puke hissed as it crawled up my windpipe last night

    there are people who will never learn, who dont wanna learn, who are losers, who will always be losers, who will fucking always just get in the way, and even when they die it will cause traffic jams

    and then there are those who might not get it now, but who try, who will ultimately contribute to the tribe, some sooner than later.

    as the frothy bile made its way to the light my head automatically turned away from my window and towards the door

    so the puke wouldnt end up in my beautiful waterbed.

    so impending death wouldnt stain my silk sheets.

    as i woke, i choked, my cats scattered, the christmas lights switched on

    and an old man whispered


  3. Sunday, January 24, 2016

    katy perry strolled over and said how long you been sick 

    katy perryi was all, im not sick, im fit as a fiddle.

    she said i can even see through bs. how long have you been sick?

    she had her hair up like i like it, a full tray of adult beverages including my favorite

    a thick stout salt rimmed glass filled to the brim with margarita.

    it was blue with a gold top.

    or was that her.

    i said for so long.

    she said the only way out is through, but that you knew.

    she asked why do you have two tvs in your bedroom

    i said because i havent saved enough for the third.

    even though we’re allegedly in the middle of el nino, it hadnt rained in a while and we even had the window open

    the drapes floated in the breeze

    and i hopped up to refresh the drinks.

    all i knew was the kittens seemed so happy just snoozing on the leather couch in the living room not giving one care what was happening over there.

    or over there

    or there

    or here

  4. Tuesday, January 5, 2016

    do you know that life is beautiful 

    Sean Norvet

    thats what the rain was telling me this morning

    tapping on my window in morse code

    wake up, sleepyhead

    it tapped through the screen to the glass

    yo, busblog, it insisted

    yes you in there!

    life is beautiful, the rain said, we’ve been traveling around the globe

    falling, evaporating, floating along

    and what we’ve learned is

    it’s ok.

    it’s perfectly ok.

    and sometimes even better.

    but you simply must wake up!

    said the rain

    with only a hint

    of sarcasm.

  5. Sunday, December 13, 2015

    the rain it comes down LA can barely believe it 

    love your hairit’s the winter. it’s when the LA winter rain should arrive, but like your girlfriends period no one believes it till: hi.

    it’s tinkling on our rooftops like the selfish friend who has been instructed by his mom to share his m&ms so it’s like ok you can have one and you can have one and you can have one

    and we’re all, but you have like ten 2 pound bags Wally wtf.

    we need the rain so bad we try not to even talk about it, but how cant you. theyre putting artificial turf in some yards of expensive homes. and thats fine but talk about living in the Jetsons.

    whens my robot gonna give me a thai massage?

    speaking of, saw a college kid cross the street by USC in one of those hoverboards and all i could think to myself was, asswipe get a skateboard.

    pretty girl wrote me the other day and said lets go to a sex party. i was all, with a body like mine, i wouldnt want to make the other fellas feel bad about themselves. she said come on, youd love it.

    and i said i love it when a pretty girl slightly opens her legs when i put my hand on her denim skirt.

    im so easily pleased im excited listening to this rain bukakke all over my thirsty city.

    so get off my astroturf.

  6. Monday, November 9, 2015

    i’m not getting old but my back sure is 

    back exercises

    got one of those two way cameras for my uber so i can video the crazy ppl in the back seat and the crazier ones driving ahead of me.

    one of the things i had to do was hide the wires in the windshield and down along the door. i did this while i was at the Coin Laundry because im a multi tasking FOOL

    unfortunately when i was bending in the passenger side my back was all, yeah no. from time to time it tried to go out on me but i usually catch it. this time it tweaked and i had to get on my knees so as to not agitate it. its quite a look in a ghetto parking lot, lemme tell you.

    the xbi texted me “agent are you down?” i was all I DONT WORK FOR YOU! they were all, “we can send help, whats the problem?”

    for all i know theyre doing something to me so they can fix it and then i’ll magically love them forever. FAT CHANCE.

    the only people i love forever is my momma and the Cubs. maybe AC/DC. and the Nexus, who printed my FU UCSB Students Get It Together post this weekend.

    what was i yakking about? who knows. saw the first 10 minutes of the new james bond flick. why just the first 10 minutes?

    i was with a pretty girl. surprise! actually theres nothing but pretty girls in LA. and we were about to head into the theater and i said, look i know its not cool to say this but got damn girl you are looking incredible, can i just see whats doin? and she spun around for me real quick and i let it all soak in and hubba hubba.

    and she said, hey can we sit on the aisle so if i have to pee or if it sucks we can just, you know, leave.

    i said fine as you is, we can do whatever.

    so the movie starts and its incredible. james bond is shooting fools, hopping in a helicopter, fighting both the pilot and this other guy and below are all these mexicans in day of the dead makeup. its quite a scene. and one thing leads to another and BAM! then the opening credits. then 007 gets yelled at by his boss. JUST LIKE HOW THE XBI DOES ME. and i feel this tap on my shoulder and she says “ok lets split.” and i say now? it was 11 minutes into the film. and she winks at me.

    so we split. she says im hungry. i say ok. she says, lets go to mcdonalds. i say you know me so well. but i say, you’re a skinny little white girl, what do you eat at mcdonalds? she says “the ice cream cone.”

    and america, she ate that ice cream cone right in front of me.

    fixed my dumb back, thats for sure.

  7. Sunday, November 8, 2015

    read at a story telling + rock show + book release party 

    chris and ramie

    it was in historic Frogtown, as Chris and Ramie were so excited about

    frog spot

    specifically at the Frog Spot which is a beautiful non profit space right by the LA River

    will and his wife

    Will Campbell and his lovely wife were there. Marko 77 (far left) was the DJ, he played a bunch of great tunes from The Replacements to Soul Asylum and the Ramones. Johnny Angel (far right) read and played acoustically.

    os and kim

    Monty, fresh from Nashville was in attendance with Os and Kim

    jeff and monty

    It’s always a good night when Jeff Tsar gets to say hi to a guy with a Jeff Tsar tattoo.

    SW Lauden

    We were all there to celebrate and participate in S.W. Lauden’s debut crime novel, Bad Citizen Corporation, and eagerly awaited to hear him read from it. He did not disappoint.

    books were sold

    Lots of people who hadn’t already bought his book off Amazon snagged it last night.

    basart bill and heather the rabbit

    about nine of us read for 5-8 minutes before SW did. i was super nervous to read and the last thing i wanted to do was follow Heather, and thank God i didn’t have to she was fantastic. she talked about inviting readers to make love to her husband Bill, (center). Ken said she got the most laughs.

    me reading Murder

    i read a new poem that i had just finished that afternoon. one called “a tale of two cities… or Murdurrrrrrr”

    chris said i killed. everyone was so complimentary, heather said i should hustle my work to places and just get over my shyness. i saw all, awwww. thanks everyone.


    afterwards bands played including Champion, which we have all missed.

    below is the poem i read.

    it was tough because i had to make it palatable for kids, but i did my best to make that restriction a part of the tale, so in the end i was actually glad that there was a challenge. and trust me, it was challenging.


    a tale of two cities, or Murduhhhhhhhhhhh

    his name was David
    but he looked more like a Jamaal
    or a Shaquille
    or a Montell
    or a La’Twann
    he was dressed like that one dude from the Black Eyed Peas who writes all the terrible songs.
    but he was shorter.
    had an expensive jacket with crazy patches, baggy pants
    shoes that were untied
    a belt that didnt have a clasp
    his eye glasses were tinted even though it was night
    i had been camped out in my Mercedes in front of the W in Westwood
    waiting for one of the many East Coast consultants
    to ping me on the Uber app.
    theres an option on there that you press if you want a Mercedes or a Lexus
    instead of the typical Prius
    the price is nearly tripled
    which is why I was a little surprised when
    Will.i.am Jr
    waltzed over to the passenger side, while never raising his eyes from his iphone.
    he sat next to me, which is also uncommon, he eased the seat back
    allllll the way
    i clicked my app and looked at the destination.
    Crenshaw and Manchester, i said out loud, steering towards Wilshire. i know that spot, i said
    and he finally turned and looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
    my man the colonel, g!
    there WAS a KFC there, old school. David admitted. Jack n the Box now, he corrected. and went back to his phone.
    i hit wilshire.
    what kind of music would you like?
    93-5 he said.
    KDAY is my jam, i lied. and we made it to the 405.
    he kept to himself and when the station broke to a commercial i said
    oh theres children present?
    i said excuse me, governor, instead of enduring these adverts, allow me to switch over to satellite radio
    shade 45
    gangsta rap, i believe it’s been dubbed.
    after a few minutes i heard him sing along quietly. i had succeeded.
    there was a bit of traffic on the 405 but we sped along without a care.
    yo, cut the track, he ordered and i muted the radio with my thumb
    he spoke into the phone using all sorts of slang and made up words but even though im very light skinned
    not only do i share his race, but i used to live in the neighborhood where we were headed.
    basically he was asking his friend if he was interested in meeting him at the home of an acquaintance for an important matter
    that conversation segued into kidding about something they had both read on another gentleman’s facebook page
    something involving the law, an incident, tears,
    no. a voicemail that they both found amusing
    and how they both agreed the gentleman in question kissed men.
    “but seriously, my friend,”
    my passenger said into the phone which he held up to his mouth–
    palm up like he had just taken a healthy gulp of mead from a chalice,
    i implore you, join me at Lord Leroy’s castle tonight, i shall be bearing inebriants of the highest quality.
    his friend agreed and “David” ended the call by lovingly exclaiming
    My N-word.
    a’ight uber driver, we gonna hit that Jack, then run across the street to the smoke shop,
    normally i dont like to take several stops when im driving an Uber because i really only get paid when the wheels are turning
    but what was i gonna tell mr I Am Jr? No?
    his conversation concerned me because i hadnt overheard what the matter was that they wanted to meet over
    i concluded the worst
    we arrived in Inglewood and i said that’s where Mr. Jims used to be
    It takes no teef to eat Mr. Jim’s beef 
    i offered my hand, which he slapped in approval
    “Old School” he said, and it fit.
    we drove down one of those streets near the Forum
    we turned in the drive way.
    i’ll be right out. chill.
    he left behind his glasses on the seat, next to a paper bag
    OF CASH?
    and the latest novel by S. W. Lauden.
    soon he returned and he showed me a large bag of illegal, but natural, vegetation.
    also inside the bag were three hand rolled
    to be honest, i dont know, what it was, it was dark.
    wanna get hiiiiiiiiiigh uber?
    that’s very generous of you, david, but i’m driving.
    oh come on old school lemme get turnt with my uber dude
    i stopped at a stop sign and turned down the music a little.
    listen my genetic relation
    if the po po see two handsome n-words in a benzo
    high af
    blasting biggie
    there will be no judge. no jury
    they will escort us out of this beautiful ride
    and take it for their own.
    if we’re lucky they’ll only beat us a little bit.
    stay in school
    just say no.
    we headed to the head shop after a wink
    David ran in then out with a bag of this and that,
    it was none of my business.
    we went to another apartment and i waited. and then another.
    i was beginning to become suspicious as to this most unusual ride because every time he would get on the phone or text someone he would ask them to join him in some dalliance and they would decline.
    so whose homes were we stopping by all around South Central?
    finally he said ok, we’re going over to my man Xavier’s house.
    as we approached the address he got on the phone and said
    n-word we here! where you?? im in this fly 250, like what Ray Ray had. n-word’s got his blinkers on
    throw on your blinkers, old school
    the gentleman located us and got in the back, where David joined him.
    they talked about this person and that one, and then Xavier asked about Yolanda.
    bruh Yo Yo has me broken hearted.
    for real, asked Xavier?
    David just shook his head and raised his voice, Old School, you ever fall in love?
    only every other day, i said.
    the gentlemen laughed, slapped hands
    when they laughed they laughed like this
    David followed up with, ever get your heart broken Uber?
    routinely, i said.
    Preach! David challenged.
    i said her name was Anna. i was so in love with her.
    she said if you love me so much why wont you show it in the most disturbing ways?
    MURDAHHH the gentlemen asked?
    no, she wanted me to kiss her in the
    THE MOUTH they said?!!?
    I KNOW!!!!
    Disgusting, X said. Everything goes in the mouth. Food, Drinks. Fingers. And whats on Fingers?
    Newsprint! the boys said
    and i said Exactly!
    totally gross. and she told me all of her other suiters would kiss her there.
    And i said, if the mouth is such a great place to kiss then why did the Good Lord give us two cheeks in which to target?
    and the men rolled around on their backs in the back seat laughing and laughing and omg
    i kept driving and after the laughter ended Xavier coughed a little and said,
    id kiss any white girl, black girl, mexican asian right in the mouth, but thats me
    fo real? David asked.
    100, Xavier confirmed. You telling me you aint never kissed a female in the mouth?
    David smiled sheepishly and said I mean sometimes a brothers gotta do what he gotta do
    Ours is a heavy burden, my n-words
    and we rolled down a back road that cut towards the remains of hollywood park.
    oh, this is where theyre going to kill me, i thought, kill me and steal my car.
    i thought about the girls who wanted me to kiss her there and how much i loved them, still,
    and how if theyd asked nicely, i Would have probs
    gross as that is.
    and i overheard some noise in the backseat.
    well here it is one said to the other.
    A GUN?
    A KNIFE?
    no it was the hand rolled thingamabobs.
    Xavier was looking at it as David was explaining,
    bruh, my heart broke, we gonna sit in my crib and imma have to cry on your shoulder a little bit
    you a real friend. i aint never forget you was here for me.
    now uber turn leff right here.
    we drove towards a typical apartment, one like youve seen a million times.
    you sure you dont wanna partake in this completely illegal activity with us strangers and park your luxury vehicle on this dark street in inglewood always up to no good?
    well, maybe for a minute, i said.
    and David said really?
    i said, next time super fly
    they laughed and as they left, X said, look out for that spot over there,
    full of Crips
    i took note and drove off into the darkness
    and was promptly murdered.
  8. Sunday, September 27, 2015

    this was a good weekend 


    ate sushi with a pretty girl who let me hold her hand in the uber

    saw a rap legend pull off performance art with a different pretty girl whos never looked better

    drove up the prettiest coast in the whole wide world on a lazy sunday in a luxury vehicle

    arrived at the worlds greatest college newsroom and people knew my name

    laughed at some of the best jokes in said newsroom delivered by the great todd francis

    ate in n out while driving home at high rates of speed as the sun set

    and the super moon prepared to be eclipsed.

    we will all be eclipsed said the moon

    it’s the perfect time for a costume change

  9. Sunday, September 20, 2015

    this is how they get you 

    babethey look adorable. they are adorable. their little voices. their weird ability to seem reasonable and human-like.

    they know the sunglasses are upside down but they dont care. and you laugh and they laugh and even the wind and the sun and the trees laugh.

    but then you take them to a red lobster on a saturday evening and omg.

    they cry and wander and scream and destroy their food without eating any. and cry and annoy other diners and cry and crawl under the table and stand on their chair like Look At Me!

    and loudly discuss religion AND politics.

    then when you arent watching they defund planned parenthood as if it wouldnt affect countless women,

    many of whom are poor

    and without a lobby in DC.

    but theyre cute


    what is cute? why do we like it? are we foolish enough to think that it’s a reflection of US? why does cute matter? did cute get us to the moon? did cute cure polio? can cute help you sweep the Cardinals in September and help you avoid that super scary one-game wildcard playoff?

    will cute get you into heaven or heal your back or stop a bullet?

    if anything cute just gets us in trouble. it makes us believe in butterflies rainbows and unicorns. it makes us think that happily ever after really is a thing.

    it makes us believe that yes yes yes instead of omg are you out of your mind?

    the bible isnt cute. Jesus wasnt cute. freakin John the Baptist seemed like a looney toon with a hairshirt(!) and michaelangelo sculpted Moses with horns on his head.

    so if The Light isnt cute,

    the opposite of it is

    and we should avoid it.

    and never take it to Red Lobster again

    on a saturday night.

  10. Friday, September 18, 2015

    the lesson of charles bukowski 

    charles bukowski

    friend of the busblog, heather the rabbit havrilesky aka ask polly got a great letter this week and responded to it in the perfect way.

    someone wrote to her and said that shes a freelance writer and shes done ok but some of her friends have done better and she hasnt really gotten over the hump yet and oprah hasnt shined her light on her yet and well “Should I Just Give Up on My Writing?“.

    and heather, writing in new york magazine answered perfect and said YES FOOL! (jk) but the one little minor thing she left out of her otherwise sparkling incredible response was the lesson of charles bukowski.

    bukowskiamericas greatest poet WAS NOT DOING OK when he was 50. he wasnt living in silver lake, he wasnt living with a spouse who supported him emotionally, he wasnt any freelance writer, he was struggling, he was living in east hollywood working for the post office. he hated the post office. he was drunk. he was ugly. he was overweight. he had anger issues. he smoked. he gambled. he got in fights. he won zero fights. he was being rejected over and over and over.

    but he kept writing. sometimes for money. sometimes because he was a horny middle aged man and some sex papers would let him write out his bizarre fantasies for beer money. but he kept writing.

    it wasn’t UNTIL he was 50 that a rich, visionary publisher from santa barbara discovered bukowski and said dude whatever the post office is paying you i’ll pay you just write and i’ll split the royalties with you.

    the lesson of bukowski is keep doing what you love. who cares that your friends are on tv or writing for new york magazine or married or have a house or two houses or three houses. or fourteen wives. or all their hair or the hair of fourteen sheep dogs.

    keep doing what you love.

    or if for some reason youve never gotten around to start doing what you love: start. because. thats why. start! some people never get the chance to start. they fool around with fireworks and their hands get blowed off. or they get involved in a dead end job or a super sexy woman and their lives get destroyed.

    the lesson of bukowski is motor through all of that. we have so many hours in the day. surely there are a few of them where you could stop watching tv or stop reading books or stop sleeping and sleeping and sleeping and you will get off your ass and express yourself, madonna. surely there is an ounce of courage that you can squeeze out into the juice glass of life and share.

    surely you know that your friends are wonderful but they are not you and you have a unique story to tell that is all yours and no one elses and only you can deliver it. and if you dont tell it no one will, which is a lie, actually someone will but, spoiler alert: they will fuck it up royally.

    so you better write it down and quickly.

    the lesson of bukowski is god bless oprah but she’s dunzo and theres no one else whos gonna save your soul except jewel and shes happily married to a rodeo cowboy so you better work rupaul.

    that is what i learned from bukowski and i never would have learned it if he had given up on writing and just did his post office gig and drank and whined that he didnt have hella twitter followers. so you write your damn deal and f the haters in ur head.