nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, July 19, 2014

    it’s so dry the ants and the spiders wanna come in 


    there was a spider

    and im all, trust me i understand but dont we leave the garden hoses drippy enough

    dont the neighbors do their laundry omg every day?

    arent we constantly pouring out a little for the homies who aint here?

    and the ants were all, you realize you work for us, dont you?

    and the spiders were like you know what we do when you sleep, right?

    and the walls said you know we talk when youre outta the house.

    so i burned everything down.

    all of it.

    still, the ants came back the next day

    and crawled over the burnt shells of debris

    and sipped from the endless puddles left by the fire hoses

    and said thanks, now clean this crap up.

  2. Thursday, July 17, 2014
  3. Monday, July 14, 2014

    somewhere along the line things got backwards 

    aubrey plaza

    when i was a youngster i was under the belief that i could do anything.

    i played baseball all day in the summer time with maybe one can of warm grape soda

    never water, and barely any food, and we played till the sun went down.

    the realization that i couldnt do anything coincided with the day someone threw me a curve ball.

    the ball looked like it was spinning to my head but then swerved right across the plate.

    that next day i discovered that my girlfriend at the time, in art class

    was playing footsies with the guy next to me

    as she was playing footsies with me.

    then i moved to california and nothing bad ever happened again.

  4. Wednesday, July 9, 2014

    the only answer is yes 

    come with

    everything else is so boring.

    everything else is just different layers of the same flavorless cake.

    long live LA but so many girls out here dont even eat cake unless its cupped.

    do you know how many girls i know who were good at certain things but said no

    or different flavors of that so often that i was all

    who told you thats even one of the options

    columbus didnt say no. or zeppelin.

    hendrix didnt say no and hes dead but is he

    gravity says no all the time and we do everything we can to say

    f-u gravity and your naysaying. we surf its no’s and make it ours.

    even little girls skipping are all say no again, say it.

    yes sounds good in any language

    even in silence

    even just with the smile

    even just with the eyes.

    yes is yes is yes even to a dog even to a log

    even to a god.

    which is why the good book has way more ouis

    than hold up theres. and i quote:

    for if you had the faith of a mustard seed, you could move mountains.

    but you keep saying nah.

  5. Monday, June 16, 2014

    people should pretty much always say yes to me no matter what 


    i really dont know why they dont.

    but the more i learn about phil jackson and stanley kubrick and alfred hitchcock and orson welles

    the more i realize that in every ones life there are people who say oh hell no

    no matter how many miracles youve shown them or good times youve had.

    thats one reason i said yes to the pretty girls yesterday when i was 30 seconds away from watching the game of thrones finale.

    to eat chicken.

    if more people just said yes to fun things the world would be funner.

    ironically here are the people that no one ever said no to:

    dick cheney


    the bank of america

    the NRA

    and the people who allocate more money to military and jails than to schools and health care.

    so maybe once everyone finally does start saying yes to everything i propose,

    i should start getting nervous.

  6. Thursday, June 5, 2014

    it’s always worth it, even if it sucks 


    I still can’t believe she used me so ruthlessly. So dishonestly. So halfassedly.

    Why steal from someone who’s giving you everything you ask for and bonuses? Why kill the golden goose for his beak? Why steal the cage bird’s cage?

    I was so trusting if she had said let’s make a lil xbi agent named Lil. or LOL. or Lil LOL, I woulda said fine.

    Y not. The worlds ending anyways. The beginning of the end is almost over. Even the black president isn’t the answer. Which is a little shocking.

    We live in a world where a fricken lime costs the same a candy bar.

    Yes let me bring infants into this fixed game.

    And then leave me and make me pay child support for decades.

    Instead she stole. Small things. Dreams. Hopes. PTO days. Who does that?

    It’d be like robbers saying we’re here for the boxed wine.

    She used to feed me bananas and then chocolate sauce and then mini marshmallows and then love.

    She coulda just said maybe we should just buy a few acres in Baja and freaking grow some damn limes. Can’t be that hard.

    But no.

    And I’m mad but that’s like being pissed the truck missed hitting you.

  7. Monday, May 12, 2014

    the wind was all, we dont care shes still here, we’re gonna clean this up 


    and it blew and it howled just like last time.

    it was trying to warn me. it was saying dude are you blind? can you not hear?

    where are your spidey senses?

    where is your bs detector? where is your logic? you are so logical

    blow wind blow whereever you may go, etc.

    but i was lost in a feeling. i was believing the unbelievable. i was feeling the feeling.

    beware of people you cant really talk with, let alone fight with.

    not that fighting should ever be a goal, but if every fight is a nuclear war everyone dies.

    and after i felt like i had died i drove through the dirty streets of hollywood and there were the casualties.

    palm fronds, palm fronds everywhere.


    people who know me know im black and theyre respectful. but most people dont know my true background and they say some silly things.

    one guy got into my Uber and was all, wow you have a 4.9 rating (out of 5) how do you do it?

    i said, well most people survive my trips, I guess thats half the battle.

    he was all, also youre white so i’ll give you a 5 star immediately.


    then saturday night around 2am it was surging. this was gonna be a double fare meaning it was gonna be twice as much.

    beautiful girl in short shorts and a long flouncy skirt jumps in with her dashing boyfriend close behind.

    she looks at me and yells HELLO MY NIGGA!

    shocked. and suddenly i wasnt so sad i was about to charge her double.


    i have pretty thick skin. and most of the time racism or hate speech is in the intention.

    a mere middle finger can deliver the same message as any word.

    it’s just them trying to get you in your sore spot.

    but my skin color isnt my sore spot.

    the cubs are.

    or the busblog.

    or the way i hold your hand on a long drive beneath the stars.

    if you say i have a clammy paw and drive poorly that will hurt me a lot more than some antiquated word

    you might utter ignorantly.

    but if you say it in a way that is intended to hurt me, mostly i’ll just think youre an idiot

    and dont know me at all.

    that, will make me sad.

  8. Friday, May 9, 2014

    and there’s a darkness on the edge of town 


    as you know I’m no spring chicken. I’ve been around the block. I’ve seen a few things.

    I’ve been lucky enough to have been blessed with some very good things come my way. And like anyone, I’ve experienced bad times as well.

    I’ve done my best to be generous and spread the love as often as possible because why not. We are only here for a little while, why not be a good neighbor, a good friend, a sweet soul.

    The Lord has blessed each of us with special skillz and unique power-ups, my belief is we should use those for good, not evil.

    cocoEvery now and then misfortune may befall us or bad luck or drama, and in those times our character is tested and we can either panic and freak out and raise our fist to the sky and curse the fates or suck it up and press on.

    The other day something completely unexpected and terrible happened. I am reluctant to say I was victimized because the very last thing I ever want to suggest is I am not fully responsible for the things that happen in my life.

    For nearly 15 years I’ve written about my little life here and you’d be hard pressed to find too many stories where I said this person did me wrong – because that’s not how I look at things.

    But the other day I was done very wrong, by someone I trusted. By someone I loved. Someone I would have done anything for – and had!

    It was as close to having someone reach into my wallet and taking as much as they could as I’ve ever experienced. At the same time insulting me with every slur they could think of while taking a metaphorical ballpeen hammer and breaking my heart into pieces.

    It is shocking. And terrible. It left me in a sick daze.

    Some might experience such a thing and put up walls and vow never to trust anyone again because this came out of nowhere. There was no fight. There was no warning. It was all very very good and then suddenly extremely bad. Like a thief in the night.

    The weirdest part is I don’t know what they got out of it. If it was a drug fiend who stole my tv or record collection I’d think, oh well at least they got some drugs.

    Maybe there’s more here than I realize. Maybe they got something that I haven’t considered of value.

    In a strange way it reminds me of a maid I once had. I felt very guilty that this woman had to clean my house. So I paid her double what she charged the old woman in my building who used to poop on herself.

    One day I realized the maid had stolen my crappy ass digital camera. And I thought why steal that? In fact, why steal Anything, I’m paying her way more than the old lady and now she’s going to lose both of us?

    And I guess that’s why the good book tells us to just love each other. You never know what terrible demons are in ppls heads telling them to do the dumbest meanest nonsense to the people who only want the best for them.

    But like the who, I won’t get fooled again.

    I hope.

  9. Monday, April 14, 2014

    not everything has to be perfect to be fun 



    a while ago my buddy andy said hey if you wanna crash on our couch at coachella just holler

    turned out it was in a super awesome huge house with its own pool hot tub and amazingly comfortable couch.

    for some reason i said no until i found out that some uber drivers were making big money out there

    so despite the fact that i pretend money doesnt matter i high tailed it out there and

    didnt have a good time trying to make money but totally had a good time just enjoying the desert.

    and andys friends and the people i ubered and learning a very difficult puzzle

    while avoiding the cop convention.



    my favorite rides were the free ones.

    right at the peak of one of the moneymaking parts i spent an hour trying to find, finding, and driving andy home.

    that was frustrating at first because i was trying to go in while everyone was trying to go out

    and the police and technology and everything was against me.

    but then it became better when i realized i had become all the things i hated and i needed to be opposite.

    i knew i had turned the corner when a vision appeared in the form of a young lady with a dimple

    and roller blades

    who glided toward my parked car, thumb extended

    parking lot hitch hike? ha. ok.

    if you hadnt heard there was a sandstorm on saturday and this was saturday night and for some reason

    she wasnt allowed to just roll into coachella avec wheels.

    she lived near where we were staying and when i approached the main gate at her spread

    she was all, this is me, unless you wanna come in.

    she had just taught me about the streets in indio being numbers north south

    and dead presidents east west

    i gaver my card and sped off into the unknown because it was only midnight after all



    in the morning i had no regrets which is how life should be but did i have any stories

    everyone else had.

    some had ventured off to the neon carnival the super exclusive party of the year

    djs models actors rappers ferris wheels free booze and all that goes with all of that

    some had done things they hadnt done since college

    and some had driven in the darkness searching for something other than what is caesars

    it was sweet how the cold and wind and scariness that was the night had turned into the calm with the dawn



    even though ive been burned before, i have an odd pleasure out of leaving places early.

    i stopped by the uber lounge to see if anyone was in need of a ride to LA

    stopped into some drive thru and listened to howard stern all the way home interview dan rather

    who went to vietnam for a year as the anchorman of cbs news back in the day

    who had to do the impossible: follow walter cronkite

    it was a fascinating conversation and it made me realize how beautifully some people like rather speak

    he said mark cuban lets him do anything he wants to do


    when i got home i took a nap while watching nardwaur interview riffraff

    woke up and had a long conversation with your bff jeanine natale

    then read second chronicles which i’m almost finished with

    because i dont want to do what is evil in the sight of the lord

    and while i did i had art tatum on but he was just showing off so much it was distracting.

    then mad men, game of thrones and turned off the lights and opened the front door

    because i hadnt seen blanket in way too long

    he was startled after his secret door suddenly shut while he was out exploring

    and he dashed around the corner like he had been spotted without pants

    and he hadnt returned for days

    bu there he was, just now,

    and hungry.




  10. Friday, March 21, 2014

    she asked me if ive ever been satisfied 

    te amoi said for like a year, two years?

    she said, how about for two months?

    she said youre like a shark always moving, but a nice shark, a toothless one.

    i said you need no teeth to eat mrs jim’s beef.

    she was all your jokes merely mask your pain can you ever be serious?

    i will be serious for one drink, senior, tequila s’il vous plait.

    what pain are you covering up, she asked looking straight in my eyes

    an old xbi trick.

    i said, i only have three sources of pain: the cubs, my regrets

    and the fear of not becoming an ice cream man guy in Heaven.

    she said i thought we said no jokes for one drink.

    drink aint here yet, bb.

    what do you regret. name one.

    i regret not going to prague with my friends after college.

    she said, well i can alleviate that weird black cloud.

    whys it gotta be black?

    she said, i can see into the past and you would have married a czech girl, knocked her up

    and youd never have started the busblog.

    i said, the world could have survived without one more blog.

    the drinks arrived, we clinked, we shot and she said

    yeah but you wouldnt have.