busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, February 1, 2017

    found a lady’s camera in my back seat the other day 

    so i turned off the thing and drove over to the restaurant i had dropped she and her sister at

    spanish place. classy.

    looked around didnt see her. talked to the hostess.

    nothing. did a little report on the uber app.

    couple days later no response so i opened it up

    and it was a film camera.

    old school like.

    maybe she was giving it back to the Earth.

    maybe i need to do something with it.

    maybe its a magic camera

  2. Wednesday, January 18, 2017

    are the russians hacking the mobile site? 

    da!

    do i care?

    na!

    why not?

    because life is fleeting, our moments are precious.

    this is all a dress rehearsal for heaven

    this is why you have to learn to breakdance

    no other planet in the universe has The Robot or slam dancing or The Moonwalk

    how do i know this? BECAUSE I KNOW THINGS!

    so when we get to Heaven and we meet some cute girls from Planet Zip

    the best ways that we are going to impress them is not by talking

    but by doing the Worm.

    if you think girls on Earth like a man who can dance, just wait till you start doing your thing in front of a couple of girls from Zip, and then bust into the Robot — look out is all i gotta say.

    Look out.

    so fuck the Russians. Fuck what they’re doing to the World Famous. fuck what plans theyve got. fuck why theyre doing it.

    we are from Earth. unlike some of our leaders, we have thick skin. we can accept the body blow body blow body blow upper cut.

    we know how to do the damn thing and we will do the damn thing. thats why people love us. thats why we love us.

    thats why God blessed us with the Internet.

    because we could handle it and make art with it.

    and kiss it right in the mouth.

    which is what my advice is to you about your problems: french kiss those fuckers.

    and if you want, wipe your hand with your sleeve after.

  3. Sunday, January 15, 2017

    maybe 2017 should be the dark period 

    picasso had his blue period, brahms had his flute period

    perhaps the busblog should go super dark in 2017

    these tv serieses say they can only do five seasons and thats a load

    we can do whatever we want. hasnt trump howard stern dylan the kardashians

    and every single cat

    taught you by now that rules are fer fools

    heres my process to creating a busblog post

    inspired by an image

    tamp down the sadness/anger/fear/hatered/love

    squoosh it into the size of a raisin

    eat said fruit

    before it’s swallowed, finish the post

    and you better not have written about the inspiration

    or yr a dirty cheater.

  4. Monday, January 9, 2017

    there will be days when the road you take is blocked off 

    dont fight it.

    theres nothing to fight.

    there will be a time to fight things.

    but most of the time the lesson is, how can i work this?

    how can i improvise while going with the flow?

    how can i adjust?

    today there was a bomb scare or a real bomb at that big white building right there at the corner of Wilshire and San Vincente across from where i did lifespring way back in the day.

    back when i was a lad i got my French visa from the embassy near there. i met a girl a few blocks from there who rode me around her moped and kissed me overlooking the valley.

    one thing led to another and she told me to hit her. i said what? she said dont stop feeling me up, but with your other hand slap me. it turns me on. so i slapped her. she said harder. i said come on. she said no you come on. hit me bitch.

    she had the sweetest voice and behind all the make up and punk rock clothes and attitude and book smarts she was one of the softest creatures ive ever been close to. it was impossible for me to hit her. so i just knocked over her scooter right there on mulholland.

    well that was dumb, she complained.

    so was taking wilshire this morning, i want to tell her.

  5. Tuesday, December 13, 2016

    will i write about the Obey Sample Sale? yes. 

    will i write about my friends’ amazing Christmas Tree Trimming party?

    yes.

    will i write about the hot selfies i get on my phone?

    no.

    will i write about how we are all doomed and the only way to fight it is to give in, to buy Russian jackets and war hats

    and start reading Tolstoy and the others.

    da!

    but what i really want to know is when did girls start getting all the cool clothes?

    we all started in the garden of eden with giant fig leaves to cover our naughty bits, how come the ladies ended up with all the cool fashions and we ended up with the same old?

    maybe we’d like pants that hug our curves and have faces of dead aliens on them

    maybe we want high heeled boots

    do you know how many women on Bumble are all omg im a CEO and im 5-11 whoops!

    maybe that wouldnt matter if dudes wore super awesome shoes with giant heels like KISS

    im listening to a country singer belt out a cover of “In Bloom” and im pretty sure this is the music that will be playing after i die

    and my soul floats up to Heaven where it will be judged and St. Peter will be all

    Anthony?

    it’s only bad news if they call you by your slave name.

    which reminds me im thinking about changing my cell phone number because i get telemarketers at least once a day.

    robocalls really. not even people. who start off with Anthony, would you like to refinance your credit cards?

    never do they say Anthony would you like a clean bong? would you like a 6 foot blonde to wash yr dishes?

    would you like to find out if you would save shit tons of money by cutting the cord

    or growing your own sativa

    or cooking your own rice

    or only drinking water

    or never having fun

    or joining the army

    or starting a church

    or failing

    or falling

    or drowning

    and stopping?

  6. Saturday, November 12, 2016

    i wish i could be like all the others 

    canadalandi wish i could just hold it all in and be cool

    have a liscense plate that said

    nbd

    i wish i could write existential think pieces

    or well reasoned treatises.

    my treatises are so fucked up and twisted and gnarled and bitter and foulmouthed and rotten

    i love this city and im always trying to run from it

    when i read a book i’ll stop before its over

    because i want some left over surprise of goodness

    saving it for rainy day

    but if ever there was a rainy day

    i wish i liked todays sounds

    and coffee

    group activities

    and wellness

    herbal teas and balance.

    drove these two kids from their homecoming dance at a hotel to a dennys on crenshaw, two black kids, adorable and smart. they asked me my age and gasped when i told them.

    they asked but how

    and i said, fast food and white girls

    and sipped from the straw of my extra large coke.

  7. Wednesday, October 5, 2016

    what is life 

    hot tub

    is it a series of tubes?

    is it a fancy house, a swappable wife, a six figure sports car in the garage

    the ability to get on national television and lie and lie and lie during a job interview?

    or is life about ignoring all the crazy bells and whistles

    and realizing that the highest plane of human existence is helping others?

    i was driving the kids around usc yesterday and i had this incredibly beautiful junior business major in my car

    and she was super stressed out.

    any time her phone alerted her that someone had just sent her a text message she quickly grabbed her phone

    like it had just shocked her bare legs.

    she told me that she was worried that soon she would have to try to find a job.

    i said, “obama has fixed all that. a biz degree from SC pretty much guarantees that you’ll be hired right away.”

    she said, “all obama has done is create blue collar jobs, though.”

    i was like, “you wanna be VP of a company the year after you graduate?”

    and she looked at me like i knew how to accomplish just that.

    but when it dawned on her that it was rhetorical, she sullenly looked out the window

    at the passing Chipotle

    and sighed the sigh of a 19 year old

    who will Never be able to afford those Louboutins.

    like ever.

  8. Wednesday, August 3, 2016

    have i ever been upset at a baby? of course. 

    hillary and obama babies are selfish, their handwriting is horrible.

    they vomit, they babble, they arent very good drivers

    i dont like the way they look at you when they smile because you know at any minute they could start frowning and then give you the stink eye

    they love the most basic books, their artwork is subpar.

    and ive seen what they do to families.

    once i was playing poker with a baby and it started losing so it started cheating and i was all what the fuck do you think you’re doing over there

    and it said why dont you mind your own damn business

    and i said this game IS my business

    so it said maybe youd like to take this outside.

    i said ID VERY MUCH LIKE TO TAKE THIS OUT SIDE.

    so we went outside and i took off my glasses and my jacket

    and that baby pulled out A DAMN KNIFE!

    fortunately i had my own knife.

    so we were circling each other and this baby was hissing at me

    i was all, im gonna get you, im gonna slice you up!

    a little crowd began to form. some people were taking bets. weirdly i was not the favorite.

    i was all, who has a stinky diaper? YOU have a stinky diaper!

    and the baby just kept hissing at me like a freak!

    then it launched at me. it just flew right in my face. then it was on me. quicker than i expected.

    it was all over me. stabbing. punching. drooling. omg how does one little creature have so much drool?

    and i couldnt get a good angle.

    all i saw was spittle and half chewed Cheerios and the smell!

    that baby smell (actually smelled pretty ok)

    but still

    and when the cops came guess who got thrown in the back of the car like an animal.

    not the baby, i’ll tell you that.

    fucker.

  9. Tuesday, July 26, 2016

    tony, why bother having sex? 

    Juliette and the licksBecky with the good hair asks:

    What is the purpose of sex? Be brutally honest and please leave LOVE and procreation out of your answer! I’m talking about the physical act of sex; I’m just going to assume you love every single woman you’ve ever boinked *eye roll* Why bother having sex? Is it a) to get yourself off; b) to get your partner off or c) to get yourself off, thereby getting your partner off? Please don’t tell me what you think sexy babes want to hear or risk ruining any shot you might have boinking them!

    every once in a while you’ll meet someone who magically clicks with you

    you dont have to think about what to do, you dont have to worry about what youre saying, everything is perfect

    its like all of a sudden you know how to swim

    or youre fluent in italian

    everything she does is bella and for some bizarre reason everything youre doing she loves.

    there have been three women in my life where every single time

    it was the most wonderful

    thing.

    it didnt matter what our emotions were going into it or where we were or what time of day or night it was

    it didnt matter what we were wearing or how much we had to drink

    it was the most beautiful movie or book or dance marathon, but deeper.

    to me it was the clearest proof of the existence of a soul.

    its not something you know is going to happen

    or who can deliver it

    it’s a blessing.

    pure luck.

    a unicorn.

    it doesnt exist except for every time

    and each time feels like a dream.

    thats why.

  10. Wednesday, May 25, 2016

    most of us wont be giants, or bikini models 

    andre the giantmost of us wont be rock stars or baseball players, play by play announcers or heads of state

    most of us wont be millionaires or international drug lords

    hell, most of us would be so lucky to be local drug lords

    most of us are just going to end up being sweet, loving, creative people, doomed to influence a small circle of friends, neighbors and family members

    maybe coworkers, but probably not them, they’re busy crunching numbers and doing all the things they do

    and most of the ways we can influence our small circles isn’t by doing anything outrageous other than being as wonderful as we can be

    think about who influences you. it isn’t the guy with the biggest house or fanciest car or prettiest wife

    what influences me are the people with the best attitudes and brightest smiles during the gloomiest days.

    how do they keep their positive attitudes, i wonder, how do they find the energy to work tirelessly, listen to how they interact with dale from accounting or merle from the mailroom. it sounds exactly how when they speak to the ceo or that mean girl from — where does that girl work anyway?

    im influenced by steady writers and cheerful cooks, people who raise their kids right, people who do their best to help the public. it’s rarely the jokers who end up on E! or accumulating a zillion followers on instagram.

    weirdly the people who i love the most have very little time for instagram,

    they’re too busy being international love smugglers.

    sharing their houses with others, working at soup kitchens, fixing friends’ computers, coaching little league, teaching at the school, fighting fires, writing books, helping kids with their homework for hours,

    showing people things at the library that will make them literally cry out loud

    you see those people all the time.

    they’ll never get on a baseball card.

    til Heaven.

    i had a dream last night that when you get to the pearly gates, st. peter is flipping through his new pack of cards and right in front of you he says um hum, yep, yep, oh here you are, and he hands you your card and it’s you doing what God loved best and your name is there

    and when you flip it over, theres your stats. all the good youve done. all the ways youve reflected love and peace and you know positive things humans are capable of doing when they’re being awesome

    and you show that to the angel and

    up

    you

    go