nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, November 12, 2016

    i wish i could be like all the others 

    canadalandi wish i could just hold it all in and be cool

    have a liscense plate that said


    i wish i could write existential think pieces

    or well reasoned treatises.

    my treatises are so fucked up and twisted and gnarled and bitter and foulmouthed and rotten

    i love this city and im always trying to run from it

    when i read a book i’ll stop before its over

    because i want some left over surprise of goodness

    saving it for rainy day

    but if ever there was a rainy day

    i wish i liked todays sounds

    and coffee

    group activities

    and wellness

    herbal teas and balance.

    drove these two kids from their homecoming dance at a hotel to a dennys on crenshaw, two black kids, adorable and smart. they asked me my age and gasped when i told them.

    they asked but how

    and i said, fast food and white girls

    and sipped from the straw of my extra large coke.

  2. Wednesday, October 5, 2016

    what is life 

    hot tub

    is it a series of tubes?

    is it a fancy house, a swappable wife, a six figure sports car in the garage

    the ability to get on national television and lie and lie and lie during a job interview?

    or is life about ignoring all the crazy bells and whistles

    and realizing that the highest plane of human existence is helping others?

    i was driving the kids around usc yesterday and i had this incredibly beautiful junior business major in my car

    and she was super stressed out.

    any time her phone alerted her that someone had just sent her a text message she quickly grabbed her phone

    like it had just shocked her bare legs.

    she told me that she was worried that soon she would have to try to find a job.

    i said, “obama has fixed all that. a biz degree from SC pretty much guarantees that you’ll be hired right away.”

    she said, “all obama has done is create blue collar jobs, though.”

    i was like, “you wanna be VP of a company the year after you graduate?”

    and she looked at me like i knew how to accomplish just that.

    but when it dawned on her that it was rhetorical, she sullenly looked out the window

    at the passing Chipotle

    and sighed the sigh of a 19 year old

    who will Never be able to afford those Louboutins.

    like ever.

  3. Wednesday, August 3, 2016

    have i ever been upset at a baby? of course. 

    hillary and obama babies are selfish, their handwriting is horrible.

    they vomit, they babble, they arent very good drivers

    i dont like the way they look at you when they smile because you know at any minute they could start frowning and then give you the stink eye

    they love the most basic books, their artwork is subpar.

    and ive seen what they do to families.

    once i was playing poker with a baby and it started losing so it started cheating and i was all what the fuck do you think you’re doing over there

    and it said why dont you mind your own damn business

    and i said this game IS my business

    so it said maybe youd like to take this outside.


    so we went outside and i took off my glasses and my jacket

    and that baby pulled out A DAMN KNIFE!

    fortunately i had my own knife.

    so we were circling each other and this baby was hissing at me

    i was all, im gonna get you, im gonna slice you up!

    a little crowd began to form. some people were taking bets. weirdly i was not the favorite.

    i was all, who has a stinky diaper? YOU have a stinky diaper!

    and the baby just kept hissing at me like a freak!

    then it launched at me. it just flew right in my face. then it was on me. quicker than i expected.

    it was all over me. stabbing. punching. drooling. omg how does one little creature have so much drool?

    and i couldnt get a good angle.

    all i saw was spittle and half chewed Cheerios and the smell!

    that baby smell (actually smelled pretty ok)

    but still

    and when the cops came guess who got thrown in the back of the car like an animal.

    not the baby, i’ll tell you that.


  4. Tuesday, July 26, 2016

    tony, why bother having sex? 

    Juliette and the licksBecky with the good hair asks:

    What is the purpose of sex? Be brutally honest and please leave LOVE and procreation out of your answer! I’m talking about the physical act of sex; I’m just going to assume you love every single woman you’ve ever boinked *eye roll* Why bother having sex? Is it a) to get yourself off; b) to get your partner off or c) to get yourself off, thereby getting your partner off? Please don’t tell me what you think sexy babes want to hear or risk ruining any shot you might have boinking them!

    every once in a while you’ll meet someone who magically clicks with you

    you dont have to think about what to do, you dont have to worry about what youre saying, everything is perfect

    its like all of a sudden you know how to swim

    or youre fluent in italian

    everything she does is bella and for some bizarre reason everything youre doing she loves.

    there have been three women in my life where every single time

    it was the most wonderful


    it didnt matter what our emotions were going into it or where we were or what time of day or night it was

    it didnt matter what we were wearing or how much we had to drink

    it was the most beautiful movie or book or dance marathon, but deeper.

    to me it was the clearest proof of the existence of a soul.

    its not something you know is going to happen

    or who can deliver it

    it’s a blessing.

    pure luck.

    a unicorn.

    it doesnt exist except for every time

    and each time feels like a dream.

    thats why.

  5. Wednesday, May 25, 2016

    most of us wont be giants, or bikini models 

    andre the giantmost of us wont be rock stars or baseball players, play by play announcers or heads of state

    most of us wont be millionaires or international drug lords

    hell, most of us would be so lucky to be local drug lords

    most of us are just going to end up being sweet, loving, creative people, doomed to influence a small circle of friends, neighbors and family members

    maybe coworkers, but probably not them, they’re busy crunching numbers and doing all the things they do

    and most of the ways we can influence our small circles isn’t by doing anything outrageous other than being as wonderful as we can be

    think about who influences you. it isn’t the guy with the biggest house or fanciest car or prettiest wife

    what influences me are the people with the best attitudes and brightest smiles during the gloomiest days.

    how do they keep their positive attitudes, i wonder, how do they find the energy to work tirelessly, listen to how they interact with dale from accounting or merle from the mailroom. it sounds exactly how when they speak to the ceo or that mean girl from — where does that girl work anyway?

    im influenced by steady writers and cheerful cooks, people who raise their kids right, people who do their best to help the public. it’s rarely the jokers who end up on E! or accumulating a zillion followers on instagram.

    weirdly the people who i love the most have very little time for instagram,

    they’re too busy being international love smugglers.

    sharing their houses with others, working at soup kitchens, fixing friends’ computers, coaching little league, teaching at the school, fighting fires, writing books, helping kids with their homework for hours,

    showing people things at the library that will make them literally cry out loud

    you see those people all the time.

    they’ll never get on a baseball card.

    til Heaven.

    i had a dream last night that when you get to the pearly gates, st. peter is flipping through his new pack of cards and right in front of you he says um hum, yep, yep, oh here you are, and he hands you your card and it’s you doing what God loved best and your name is there

    and when you flip it over, theres your stats. all the good youve done. all the ways youve reflected love and peace and you know positive things humans are capable of doing when they’re being awesome

    and you show that to the angel and




  6. Tuesday, May 17, 2016

    i look backward because looking forward isnt real 

    fridathe past tells me what i did where i was what went wrong what went right

    the future is just a day dream a promise a dream a lie a fantasy a mirage

    in the past we were laying by a pool holding hands drinking drinks laughing

    and laughing and laughing and then

    back in the room we made the world spin around us

    french doors opened to the sun as if to say look


    look all you angels

    this is what its all about

    and afterwards we stared at the ceiling goofy faces on our smiles

    and talked about tomorrow

    which was just a daydream a promise a dream a lie a fantasy a mirage

    well intentioned but false because the only person who can predict the future

    are the worms

    at the cemetery

    who dont know the exact date

    but know dinners coming

    so they wait

  7. Thursday, May 12, 2016

    i wanna do cool things, all the time 

    bridgedont you?

    i wanna try and experiment and work

    and create and push limits and inspire

    and figure shit out and rock rock

    till we all die.

    i had lunch with a pretty girl the other day who said she started working for this place a few months ago and

    she’s pretty fancy so they promised her all these things if she worked there

    but then her boss’s boss took off and was replaced by this new boss

    and that boss would say that she was super punk rock and experimental

    but it turned out she was just the opposite

    more like a country line dance.

    everything had to be exactly the same as it was before and everyone had to do it

    and this boss was super awkward to talk with even thought she said

    you know karen i have an open door policy

    which shoulda been a red flag right away because thats like if you have a girlfriend

    and she says, you know tony, i would never cheat on you

    with two guys behind a 7-11

    on a sunday night

    when you are at home reading the bible

    even if we just had a fight and id always dreamt of

    doing it in the back seat

    of an El Camino on an unusually warm spring night

    in the valley.

  8. Wednesday, April 27, 2016

    theres things that make me sad, theres things that make me not sad 

    fishtheres things that bring me joy,

    theres things that bring me great joy

    the other day i saw something stupid

    the other day i saw true beauty

    sometimes the weirdest wonderful things occur

    sometimes i wonder why we bother

    this pretty girl noticed me

    this fucked up shit went down

    often im inspired in the oddest way

    and sometimes

    even when the holy ghost himself

    floats down from whereever he’s been watching

    and whispers in my ear


    yo tony

    dude bro!

    i dont even hear

    because im so obsessed with the noise of the mediocre

    im so in tune with the fake

    im keeping up with the wrong kardashians

    im paying the wrong piper

    as prince bowie and lemmy showed us there is an expiration date on our milk

    we need to drink it all in, we need to begin the beguine, we need to follow the honey, we need to combat rock

    we need to fish in the deep waters

    we need to do what hasnt been done

    we need to stop fighting the sun

    we need to stop fighting

    the son

    we need to

  9. Tuesday, April 19, 2016

    im going to the dentist in 15 minutes 

    babeif it seems like i go to the dentist a lot it’s because i do go to the dentist a lot.

    like michael anthony hall in sixteen candles, fresh breath is key to my life.

    i also have bleeding gums like bleeding gums murphy

    an old xbi ailment when then used to punch us in the face repeatedly so as to see if we really could not feel any more pain.

    the only pain i feel these days is in my soul.

    i look back at the things i did or said and i think was that the right choice?

    did i do the right things?

    should i have?

    shouldnt i have?

    i dont read old busblog posts because they can haunt me

    for whole minutes.

    i dont even like to be haunted for seconds.

    i like to enjoy this little breath of time that we have together on this magical planet.

    i like to feel love and be loved and eat and taste and dance the body electric.

    i dont have time for the flim flam pajama waltz of times gone by

    theres a reason they went by.

    now is the time of the zip zap.

    today is the day we should be on jet packs.

    the only reason we aint is because we dont believe we can.

    and some dont believe we deserve it.

    you deserve it sweet souls of today

    we all have earned the good

    simply by being

    children of the creator

    mirrors of his soul

    light of his life

    defenders of the boogie.

    now open up and say fuck yeah

  10. Wednesday, April 13, 2016

    sometimes you just hit it off 

    christinasometimes you dont

    sometimes everything you say they get it truly and go same same same

    sometimes you just want them to shhhh cuz uhhh

    then sometimes what was once incredible and necessary and required, fades



    and never comes back

    not even in the still silence of a desert sunset

    not even on a bet.

    sometimes when things arent connecting you dont even wanna look at them

    because for sure theyll be able to read it all over your face

    theyll read your mind or worse

    and sometimes when things are, you wanna hug em good bye like an old friend whos about to go off on a cruise around the world

    and further.

    sometimes life doesnt feel like a graphic novel at all.

    it feels like a jello shot festival.