nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, April 14, 2014

    not everything has to be perfect to be fun 



    a while ago my buddy andy said hey if you wanna crash on our couch at coachella just holler

    turned out it was in a super awesome huge house with its own pool hot tub and amazingly comfortable couch.

    for some reason i said no until i found out that some uber drivers were making big money out there

    so despite the fact that i pretend money doesnt matter i high tailed it out there and

    didnt have a good time trying to make money but totally had a good time just enjoying the desert.

    and andys friends and the people i ubered and learning a very difficult puzzle

    while avoiding the cop convention.



    my favorite rides were the free ones.

    right at the peak of one of the moneymaking parts i spent an hour trying to find, finding, and driving andy home.

    that was frustrating at first because i was trying to go in while everyone was trying to go out

    and the police and technology and everything was against me.

    but then it became better when i realized i had become all the things i hated and i needed to be opposite.

    i knew i had turned the corner when a vision appeared in the form of a young lady with a dimple

    and roller blades

    who glided toward my parked car, thumb extended

    parking lot hitch hike? ha. ok.

    if you hadnt heard there was a sandstorm on saturday and this was saturday night and for some reason

    she wasnt allowed to just roll into coachella avec wheels.

    she lived near where we were staying and when i approached the main gate at her spread

    she was all, this is me, unless you wanna come in.

    she had just taught me about the streets in indio being numbers north south

    and dead presidents east west

    i gaver my card and sped off into the unknown because it was only midnight after all



    in the morning i had no regrets which is how life should be but did i have any stories

    everyone else had.

    some had ventured off to the neon carnival the super exclusive party of the year

    djs models actors rappers ferris wheels free booze and all that goes with all of that

    some had done things they hadnt done since college

    and some had driven in the darkness searching for something other than what is caesars

    it was sweet how the cold and wind and scariness that was the night had turned into the calm with the dawn



    even though ive been burned before, i have an odd pleasure out of leaving places early.

    i stopped by the uber lounge to see if anyone was in need of a ride to LA

    stopped into some drive thru and listened to howard stern all the way home interview dan rather

    who went to vietnam for a year as the anchorman of cbs news back in the day

    who had to do the impossible: follow walter cronkite

    it was a fascinating conversation and it made me realize how beautifully some people like rather speak

    he said mark cuban lets him do anything he wants to do


    when i got home i took a nap while watching nardwaur interview riffraff

    woke up and had a long conversation with your bff jeanine natale

    then read second chronicles which i’m almost finished with

    because i dont want to do what is evil in the sight of the lord

    and while i did i had art tatum on but he was just showing off so much it was distracting.

    then mad men, game of thrones and turned off the lights and opened the front door

    because i hadnt seen blanket in way too long

    he was startled after his secret door suddenly shut while he was out exploring

    and he dashed around the corner like he had been spotted without pants

    and he hadnt returned for days

    bu there he was, just now,

    and hungry.




  2. Friday, March 21, 2014

    she asked me if ive ever been satisfied 

    te amoi said for like a year, two years?

    she said, how about for two months?

    she said youre like a shark always moving, but a nice shark, a toothless one.

    i said you need no teeth to eat mrs jim’s beef.

    she was all your jokes merely mask your pain can you ever be serious?

    i will be serious for one drink, senior, tequila s’il vous plait.

    what pain are you covering up, she asked looking straight in my eyes

    an old xbi trick.

    i said, i only have three sources of pain: the cubs, my regrets

    and the fear of not becoming an ice cream man guy in Heaven.

    she said i thought we said no jokes for one drink.

    drink aint here yet, bb.

    what do you regret. name one.

    i regret not going to prague with my friends after college.

    she said, well i can alleviate that weird black cloud.

    whys it gotta be black?

    she said, i can see into the past and you would have married a czech girl, knocked her up

    and youd never have started the busblog.

    i said, the world could have survived without one more blog.

    the drinks arrived, we clinked, we shot and she said

    yeah but you wouldnt have.

  3. Thursday, February 27, 2014
  4. probably the best part of being an undercover super hero 

    me and etienneis meeting the other undercover super heroes

    especially when they tell you their secrets.

    not the dirty ones, pervs, the awesome ones.

    for example, a few years ago, as you may recall, i met young ms reyes le blanc

    who told me one of her secrets about

    game face.

    most people, she said, think a good game face is all grrrrrrrrrr

    but they’re wrong, she continued.

    the best game face is, she said, and i quote, “DDD: delighted despite despair.”

    if when you’re totally stressed out and angry and freaked, she concluded, and you can pull out the NBD face, you become invisible to those who are freaked out – and thus, deadly.

    weirdly, one day later, something terrible happened to us and we got a motel room to collect ourselves and as soon as we got in there she said, quick take a picture

    but with game face.

    and it was not this one.

    so she said, look, pretend the hardest youve ever pretended in your life but for just twenty seconds. this is your job. this is a game.

    this is your favorite game of all.

    win it with a pretty sorta smile.


    and that was this one.

    and then we won.

  5. Sunday, February 9, 2014

    went to see the lego movie because bree said it was killer 


    i was all, but i really just wanna sit at home and watch something good on my tv and recover from my ills


    she was all, get out of your bed old man and walk around a little, lay in bed when yr dead


    one of the things i hated when that stone was in me was how much i hated things, so i said fine


    and no matter what came my way that was dumb i did my best not to hate it


    so i turned off bad netflix and went to the vista and it was packed, mostly with little kids who were awesome


    the movie was fantastic, ive never heard so much applause at the end, and i gotta say, movie of the year so far


    afterwards i thought about this girl i knew who a day after i met her was doing nude backbends in my bed

    and i thought you have zero reasons to be mad at the world, old man,

    especially now that youre minus one evil stone

  6. Tuesday, February 4, 2014

    everyone dies in the end 


    if i wrote a movie thats what id call it.

    everyone always wants to know the end of the story, well there it is.

    these last two weeks ive felt closer to death than ever before

    and ive been talking to people and reading about people who are knocking on heavens door

    and its not the movie i thought i was buying a ticket to.

    this morning i felt so good i was nearly skipping. tonight im limping.

    i feel like django shot me in the side with an invisible bullet and because God is great every couple of days it heals but then django just shoots me again when im not looking. et tu, django?

    1967CES_05up until this point of the movie nothing no one has ever been able to do to me has stopped me

    growing up i had lots of things against me, just like you may have had.

    but today im feeling minnesota and the things i have to do are outweighing

    the things i wanna do.

    just like someone you know who recently died, i feel like just curling up in a ball.

    thats what heroin is. in fact if i made a movie about heroin thats what id call it

    heroin, the curling up in a ball story.

    al gore did not invent life for us to just curl up.

    we are here to rock out

    with our private parts out.

    the good book says we are here to make a joyful noise unto the lord probably because just like us he loves rock concerts and thats who we are to him.

    i dont know much but my guess is he gets inspired by us. and what happens when you get inspired? you do killer shit you didnt expect.

    and, sad, desolate, boo hoo victims of the world, heres the good news about your pain

    the prettiest flowers bloom when it thinks its gonna die.

    so no, do not curl up your petals my sweet tulip

    stretch those fuckers out and say

    im not dying,

    im just warming up.

  7. Thursday, January 23, 2014

    things im doing in the next few days 


    testing out google glass

    getting my blood looked at because my pressure’s perfect but my bod is freaking

    dining with my buddy bob from kindegarten

    giving interview and style tips to the daily nexus alongside mel lalum

    going to my buddy dave’s birthday party instead of seeing hockey at dodger stadium

    getting acupuncture for the first time ever because im an old man and ive done everything else

    writing my congressman to tell him to deport justin bieber for underage drinking


    then laughing about it

  8. Thursday, January 9, 2014

    people have problems with selfies for some reason 


    personally, i enjoy seeing what people are up to out there


    especially mi amigos up there in canada


    someone told me david lynch is making some more twin peaks entertainment

    you know what ive always said, ive always said that hbo should pay david lynch

    to bring back twin peaks on hbo and let him do all the things he does in his movies

    and then some.

    let david lynch have a blank slate and unbridled tv every week and see what happens.

    thats what ive always said about that.


    i think the reason i wasnt as into frozen as everyone else is is because

    this little princess is going to be hard to top for a little while


    showtime should let john waters have a tv show too.


    and why hasnt mtv let marilyn manson and courtney love take over mtv news?

    but do music news every evening the way they do the regular evening news.


    i bet you that anchor team would get a few eyeballs, if done right


    (nana nana nana nana batman)


    i miss mad men


    love, i cant wait to go to coachella

  9. Thursday, December 26, 2013

    i keep thinking every day is friday 

    jack rightsometimes you can be super mean to someone, rude even, and they love it

    sometimes you can be really sweet to someone, even tell em you love them

    and it’s basically the worst thing you coulda done to them.

    i know one girl. her parents never said they loved her. grew up ridiculously sweet.

    i know another, her parents told her they loved her all the time.

    turned into a stripper.

    not that theres anything wrong with that.

    Blanket slinked up my stairs yesterday and sauntered in my flat and found me eating a tuna fish sandwich

    which, as it turns out are stray cats’ favorite snack.

    after he was done ruining it for both of us he cruised into my kitchen and disappeared.

    i gave the other half of the sandwich to Sketchy and looked for a flashlight, found one, and hunted for Blanket.

    never found him and last night i woke up and there he was on my dining room table.

    i went after him and he ran into the kitchen again and hid behind the fridge.

    long story short: theres a secret portal to another dimension behind my refridgerator

    and thats where all these damn cats are coming from.

    so today i nailed it up real good.

    down heres freaky enough.

  10. Monday, December 23, 2013

    im in a meeting 

    black n white

    but you called me out.

    i *did* call you out. why didnt you call me back?

    you didn’t ring me.

    i most definitely rang you.

    did you leave a message?

    i never leave messages.

    well i thought you butt dialed me.

    no self esteem