nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, March 31, 2015

    they’re opening up another Kanpai 

    smokerthis one is gonna be about 2 miles away from the other one.

    which is good because if they opened up one near my house id need a third job.

    pretty girls call me to see whats up but i dont call em back.

    somewhere my mojo disappeared and i am uncertain as to how i get it back. the fellas at the xbi say drinking but come on.

    drinking is played out. plus i like waking up without the world pounding in my ears.

    drove a gorgeous girl up from beverly hills to baldwin hills last night. at first she didnt wanna talk so i respected that

    but then i got tired of not talking so i asked her where she was from and she said DC and i said i was born there and she started talking and talking and talking.

    then she said shes deciding between colleges: san diego state or uc santa barbara.

    i asked her, have you ever kissed a guy who had just smoked a whole cigarette?

    she laughed and said omg my ex bf in dc.

    i said san diego is like kissing a whole football team of guys who just smoked a carton of cigarettes.

    she said whats santa barbara like?

    i said it’s your first kiss that you’ll never forget.

    and when we finally got to her house i said, see you on DP on halloween!

    and she said, you just may,


  2. Thursday, March 26, 2015

    ali and i were talking about things we wanna do in our lives 


    she was so clear, so focused, it was beautiful.

    me, im more abstract and boring.

    i wanna help people.

    more specifically i wanna help people achieve their dreams.


    even more specifically i wanna help people while wearing a cubs hat and shorts.

    sadly yesterday on the radio i was listening to this guy say that men dont get taken seriously when they wear shorts.

    unless they won the lottery.

    so my new goal is to help people while wearing shorts after winning the lottery.

    however maybe a more realistic goal is to help people while being one of the few men who are respected for wearing shorts.


    by the way, nobody likes my shorts.

    i have several pairs of plaid shorts and two of the same pair of bathing trunks that have pockets

    thus shorts.

    the only people who like them are the good people of Las Vegas who dont care because i tip well.


    drove a fashion designer around today who focuses on mens fashions.

    i shoulda asked her if she would be interested in creating shorts for men which will DEMAND respect.

    DEMAND SHORTS they could be called.

    or RESPECT MY SHORTS could be stitched into the inseam or something.


    deep down i just wanna be a televangelist on one of those Christian cable channels.

    pretty sure St. Peter would love that and sneak me through the sneaky window

    if the show was good.

  3. Wednesday, March 25, 2015

    are ppl cray? oui 

    pieam i cray?

    oh hell yes.

    are ppl capable of beautifully delicious wonderfully selfless loveliness and miracles?


    is that why we should put up with each other?


    we should put up with each other because we are all children of God and when we diss one child we diss the creator, and since we are made in his image we are dissing ourselves.

    we should put up with each other because they put up with us on our bad days, of which there are many, and we need to thank them for that.

    we should put up with each other because theres really no one else

    we are it. they are us. we are we. us is us.

    hating ourselves is what the devil wants, not the angels.

    plus it’s lazy. hate something better than each other.

    hate gravity. hate darkness. hate cancer.

    or better yet, use that power to explore love.

    explore sexiness.

    explore hotness and joy and peace and funkiness.

    put up with yourself because thats what god does

    and love is whats closest to godliness.

  4. Wednesday, March 11, 2015

    Isabella Rosellini’s mom writes Cary Grant 

    094_073020Every now and then I stumble across something rare and super cool at work, which is weird because our libraries are filled with rare and super cool stuff.

    Today I found a great letter from Ingrid Bergman to her good friend Cary Grant in 1957 thanking him for accepting her Best Actress Oscar a few days previous. He had accepted the award for her because she was in quasi exile in Europe because she was in a scandalous relationship that was even denounced on the floor of the U.S. Senate(!).

    The scandal was so intense that Ed Sullivan wouldn’t have her on as a guest even though a poll voted on by viewers overwhelmingly said they wanted her on the show.

    Still Sullivan said no!

    What was the scandal? She fell in love with Roberto Rossellini her Italian director and divorced her husband to be with him and live in Italy and have little Italian bambinos.

    For 6-7 years she stayed in Europe making weird neorealistic films and being a mommy until her career shifted and she left Rosellini.

    Her first major studio movie in her comeback was Anastasia, which earned her the Oscar. It was a mild upset because she beat out Deborah Kerr who starred in the hugely popular My Fair Lady. Only problem was Kerr didn’t sing in the musical. There was a stunt singer. And how do you give someone an Oscar for a musical where they didnt sing?

    Thus Bergman won and her career was back on track. But first Grant accepted for her. And she sent him a terrific letter filled with cute little typewriter typos and actual real insights about her “getting” it that she had omg won an Oscar.

    The year after she won she returned to the U.S. to present the Best Picture at the Oscars and was given a standing ovation by the audience.

    they loved her again.

    they had never stopped.

    screw the senate, screw ed sullivan’s really big shoe, screw anyone who said a woman couldnt divorce her husband.

  5. Tuesday, March 10, 2015

    if i had kids, the biggest lesson id teach them is life isnt fair 

    springid tell them some people will be richer in finances than you could ever imagine

    and some will be poorer in the pocketbook than you’d ever know.

    some will be able to drink bottles and bottles of wine, and some, even if they had a little glass would freak out.

    id tell them some will be able to hit a ball left handed and run superfast to first

    and some will swing and miss every time and never get better.

    id tell them that this isnt a terrible game The Good Lord plays on us,

    instead it’s a wonderful game

    to see what we are really made of.

    in books, movies, and tv shows we see how things, stuff, possessions, and cash rarely make the rich happy for very long.

    even the kardashians and kanye show us that no matter what they accumulate, they arent any more joyous and happy than Honey Boo Boo, whose parents broke up once they got rich and famous.

    happiness is the goal.

    love is the target.

    and the secret ingredient through all of that is trust.

    trust your bffs, trust the Lord, trust the process, trust nature, trust your heart.

    and most importantly trust that the angels above knew what they were doing when

    they sent theo epstein from boston to chicago for a bag of beans.

    trust that he is building the team that will right all the wrongs cub fans have endured over the years

    and once we win the world series, our hair will grow back

    our cavities will be filled

    and our hearts will be healed


  6. Friday, February 6, 2015

    mom, dont look at this post 


    my moms the best mom ever. shes just looking out for her first born.


    she grew up in a time and a place where everyone was nicer and sweeter and way more polite


    except for the crazies discriminating and hanging black people and making them feel terrible about their skin


    so when i swear or use the lords name in vain or put up a “weird” picture, she’ll text me


    “whats going on with all the cursing, are you ok?”


    im totally ok ma, i teller, sometimes you gotta keep it real


    when i was at E! she was very sad because i was cursing like a sailor. same when i was running LAist


    at the Times, my boss advised me to tone it down and man was ma on top of the world.


    where i work now no one cares about this blog because blogging is dead and you know what good


    because even the good book keeps trying to tell us that when you die…


    …you go to heaven


    and in heaven everything is beautiful, even the four letter words



  7. Thursday, January 29, 2015

    andrew sullivan quit blogging today: good 

    kennedy deppi didnt read his whole deal, because it was whining, but i understand.

    blogging isn’t easy. especially marathon blogging. and for sure its a grind when youre writing about politics.

    but judging from what i read, bro was sad that there isn’t a vibrant blogging community out there any more, and it seemed he was sad there wasnt a bunch of money left in it neither.

    to quote the great artie lang: whaaaaaaaaa.

    omg boo hoo you cant make a bucketload from writing on the web.

    i say good.

    when the blogosphere was buzzing, those were some good times, but does no one remember all the scum? all the lame ass blogs trying to teach you how to make money from your crappy crap?

    all the blogs that were just echos of the others?

    ignorance on top of ignorance sprinkled with annoyance?

    all of those ppl are gone now.

    now is the time the real bloggers are doing their thing.

    anyone can blog when there are ads paying your rent and commentors fueling your ego

    the real writing happens in a lonesome, empty

    darkly lit


    now is the worst time to bail.

  8. Thursday, January 22, 2015

    after the winds come and go 

    tupac and snoop doggand the rain and the three cold days

    the stars come back, a miracle because of

    all the light pollution

    and they just wanna hang there.

    they think we’re better

    than we think we are.

    imagine that.

    prettiest things in the universe.

    my doctor says the xbi doctor is right

    that im gonna live as long as those stars

    so i probably should stop it with the mcdonalds breakfasts.

    how about no drive thrus until after 8pm

    she asked snapping the rubber glove.

    im always down for a challenge.

    this is the creamiest avocado ive ever had.

    how is that possible.

    how is anything possible.

    we are robots with self charging solar batteries and the most miraculous cpus.

    you know why i believe in god?

    because he showed off

    with our eyes.

    not just practical


    and .

    the big bang doesnt accidentally produce eyes like yrs

  9. Sunday, January 18, 2015

    i got a nice message today from someone telling me they think im cool 


    im not the slightest bit cool.

    i actively seek out the worst clothes and then never iron them.

    i refuse to clean anything except my uber car and my body.

    then theres my body, ahahahaha

    if anything i just try to be relaxed. something i learned from sandy koufax.

    heres what bill murray said a few years ago to the new york times about being relaxed.

    “The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.”

    so there you have it. uncool, but cool with it.

  10. Friday, December 12, 2014

    if i could explain it i would 

    its happening

    but i cant and i wont and i know but i dont but it is

    i keep saying one day i’ll write it but i never do

    i hate looking backwards because im not sure but i hate it

    i dream about whats ahead and thats lame too

    and when the moment is bursting im living it

    im probably the worst blogger of all time

    who has written for so long.

    with that said, shits going down so get ready.