why? because i just drove the craziest drive ive ever drove.
and it wasnt even for uber.
someone was all, can you do me a favor, i know you have a nice car, would you drive these dudes across town. they’ll take care of you.
i said sure.
first they had me drive them to this penthouse. they needed a quick drink.
then a smoke.
they got in my car, told me where to go and immediately, because the beach crowd were done with the beach there was hella traffic.
my gps told me we’d be there at 7:33. the main guy was all, if you can get us there before 7:30 i’ll give you an extra hundred bucks. i was all
ive shaved off a few minutes on long rides before, taking three minutes off a half hour trip would be nbd
the three guys talk about work and the main guy starts, oh, they’re pretty buzzed, let that be known.
so the main guy starts saying how much money he’s made over the last year.
he starts tossing around the phrase millions and millions.
it’s LA, could be true. and at some point they all get tired so they ask me if i have a wife
so you have nothing? the guy asks.
i like to think i have everything, i said.
he said, what? what do you mean?
i said, for example, and no disrespect, but if you said right now lets go to vegas
i would not have to make one phone call or contact one soul
i could go to vegas.
and the three, very successful, and colorful, but married men said
then the main guy says hey can i smoke in here?
i go, sadly, no.
he goes no??
i say, look, you’re a man who values quality. in fact you asked for someone with a nice car. one reason people think it’s nice is because it smells… beautiful.
he goes, $50, one cigarette.
the boys start ooooohing.
i say, so if i get us there by 7:30, it’s $200? 50 for the ride, 100 for getting there on time and 50 for a cigarette?
he says yes. he had to. was just talking about millions.
so we roll down all the windows, open the sunroof, beautiful day, and he smokes his cigarette.
all while techno robot music is playing. his request.
Tiesto, he asked for by name.
here i had been whining about how i barely made 200 in eight hours yesterday and here i was gonna make it off a half hour ride.
while being thoroughly entertained by these very smart but drunk high tech successful businessmen.
the millionaire is loud, and keeps asking me to “look” at him while we were talking.
i reminded him that i was driving the car.
the other gents let him do his thing because one he just may be that rich and two because he was actually funny. some drunk people are not. he was. and they were too.
how far away are we tony?
youre gonna get us all the way from here to there in ten minutes in This Traffic? the lead guy said.
then i need another cigarette.
no way, i say.
dude goes, $50!
i say, look man, this car is my money maker, in ten minutes you’ll be at your deal but i’m going to have a devalued car.
he says, i swear i will hold it out the window. $250 when you drop us off.
i said fine.
two fiddy sal!
we roll the windows down the musics playing he’s having a hard time lighting it so we roll down some windows
when we get to the spot he tries to badger me into accepting his credit card.
i was all you know the xbi is cash money
he was all what? who?
i said i can drive you to an atm
he was like but we’re here.
i said we’re downtown theres atms everywhere.
one guy had to pee and come back, there was an exchange of cell phones and wallets.
no one had cash they could lend him
maybe because they thought it was absurd that id be getting two fiddy for that traffic filled yet subtly amazing crosstown driving all while telling their bro no a lot and charging extra for the simplest of pleasures.
so when he returned from the atm i wasnt surprised when he said how about $200?
i said fine
went to the do it yourself car wash in historic filapino town, hosed it down, vacuumed it out, took the plastic booze cups out of the pockets of the back seats, and match sticks, and ashes, and drove fast on the freeway with the windows and sunroof open
as van halen women and children first blasted out of the speeding c two fiddy
down the hollywood freeway
to the you buy we fry fish joint because the goal has been hit the night is over