nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, May 12, 2018

    dear tony, how do i get this thing that i want? 

    the vast majority of questions that i have gotten recently are about attaining things. material objects, dreams, jobs, etc

    and the answer is ridiculously simple: persist.

    as we know from video games, nearly all of your opponents will be dumb, slow, and eventually predictable.

    only at the end of the level will you be challenged with a person or a scenario where you might fail a few times (or more than a few times) before you succeed.

    learn from these battles and look for the patterns.

    if the giant slaps you twice with his left hand before going for his crossbow, then stop what you are doing on the second slap and dive at him when he reaches back.

    same with life. note what your reactions are to things and how those become unhelpful to that particular move. maybe you are the one who is tipping off his patterns.

    if you want the attention of a pretty girl, for example, and you find that you keep needing to have your lawyer pay them off so they doesn’t rat you out to the press

    maybe getting a new lawyer isn’t the answer.

    we all want to get as many points in this video game as we can, but we also should do it in as cool a way as possible.

    the first time i actually wanted to be someone else was when i was at the roller rink watching this one dude dominate on Defender while smoking a cigarette while on roller skates. he was probably 14 . he played with ease. he was not reacting to the onslaught he was dancing within the patterns.

    he knew not to shake the machine by yanking the controls because his beer would spill.

    study what it is that you want.

    be cool about it.

    dont quit and dont spill yr beer.

  2. Thursday, September 7, 2017

    if you ever feel down, youre not alone 

    and it’s easy to feel that way nowadays

    we’ve got a president who seriously doesnt give a damn

    hurricanes all up in our south

    dodgers are falling apart

    less people are paying $13.75 a ticket to see movies

    gas prices, house prices, get your Benz serviced prices.

    i saw a kid, a little kid the other day with his hands in his pockets just crying

    i was all, why you crying little brother

    he said, i just watched the news for 20 minutes.

    i gave him a hug and was arrested immediately.

    does north korea wanna blow us up?

    does russia want us to implode?

    do the republicans want anything else other than mo money mo money mo money?

    will rock and roll ever come back to save our souls?

    and for Heavens sake will uber finally raise their fares or lower their fees so we drivers can catch a break?


    nothing good is coming except Jesus.

    and when He comes it’s the grand finale.

    but here’s the good news:

    nothing in here is true.

    the gray skies will turn blue.

    and i’ll forever love you.

    and that’s how you start walking in the right light.

  3. Sunday, May 7, 2017
  4. Thursday, March 30, 2017

    might have to drive all night tonight 

    last week i didnt drive because uber was being weird about the money they owed me

    so i tried to do lyft premium only but we all know they dont have enough passengers right now for that to be sustainable

    so i am a little behind in my affairs thus

    i may have to pull an outrageous double shift of work tonight.

    i wanna see this pretty girl who says nice things to me but when the rubber hits the road shes nowhere, man

    maybe its anxiety. maybe im gross. well, i AM gross. i cant even stand to look at myself some mornings.

    other days im all, hey put on some pants, you.

    lyft has a deal that if i can do 15 rides tonight they’ll give me $80. thats like getting a $5 tip for every ride. dont you think i would drive all night if i knew everyone was gonna tip me $5?

    what will i do with the money? ive got debts somehow! how did that happen?

    i know how. you make money and you think that’ll always happen. then it slows down and you arent paying off that plastic the way you used to.

    i cant even imagine what id do if i couldnt drive. would i freelance? i never liked freelancing. chasing down money. writing for people who didnt understand you. and omg the stress.

    which is why i dont understand this pretty girl. all that every happens when we hang out are sweet things.

    i may have even lit a few candles the last time. i may have even turned on the aroma machine. i may have even put on some good music.

    men are from mars we think theres logically solutions to all problems. and not having a runway model spin, turn, and walk down your hallway as the cats watch and the shadows dance on the mexican blanket curtains is a problem.

    unlike the debts, there are a zillion solutions in LA to this particular dilemma

    which is weird because theres two zillion answers to the debt deal in this town,

    trust me

  5. Wednesday, March 22, 2017

    people should be allowed to do what they want in this life 

    they should be able to love who they want

    wear what they want

    work where they want

    live what they want.

    people should be able to say whatever the fuck they want.

    film what they want

    rock out they way they want

    and get paid off by whoever they want.

    if people want to talk behind peoples back, they should be allowed to.

    if people want to paint their house pink, they should be allowed to.

    if they wanna drive 55, it should be ok

    if they wanna drive 155, people should get outta the way.

    if they wanna play the lottery

    or fantasy baseball

    or satanic verses

    or nursery rhymes, everyone should say fuck yeah nursery rhymes.

    people should not be able to use leaf blowers before noon.

    garbage trucks should not be a thing until 11:30am

    all bars should be open 24 hours a day

    and banks, especially if they insist on being on every corner, should be forced to stay open until 10pm

    and you should be allowed to do DMV activity in there

    and also pay your rent

    and your cable bill.

    there should be free condoms everywhere.

    there should be a pinball machine in every 7-11

    kids should learn about sex and cooking and auto repair

    starting in kindergarten

    if a cop is found guilty of breaking the law,

    they should get double the penalty as a non cop.

    and if a cat is caught pooping inches away from the kitty litter box

    instead of inside of it,

    it should be set free to roam the streets of hollywood

    since it wants to just poop wherever.

    cats should be allowed to poop wherever

    just not in my bachelor pad

    of love.

    and finally,

    if someone wants me to like them back,

    like like-like them back,

    it is extremely easy:

    trust me times a million

    never lie to me

    always do exactly what i say

    never doubt me

    and never cancel on me.

    good things will happen.

    i am not like your stupid dumbass lying ass boyfriends of years gone by.

    i am the busblog.

  6. Wednesday, February 1, 2017

    found a lady’s camera in my back seat the other day 

    so i turned off the thing and drove over to the restaurant i had dropped she and her sister at

    spanish place. classy.

    looked around didnt see her. talked to the hostess.

    nothing. did a little report on the uber app.

    couple days later no response so i opened it up

    and it was a film camera.

    old school like.

    maybe she was giving it back to the Earth.

    maybe i need to do something with it.

    maybe its a magic camera

  7. Wednesday, January 18, 2017

    are the russians hacking the mobile site? 


    do i care?


    why not?

    because life is fleeting, our moments are precious.

    this is all a dress rehearsal for heaven

    this is why you have to learn to breakdance

    no other planet in the universe has The Robot or slam dancing or The Moonwalk

    how do i know this? BECAUSE I KNOW THINGS!

    so when we get to Heaven and we meet some cute girls from Planet Zip

    the best ways that we are going to impress them is not by talking

    but by doing the Worm.

    if you think girls on Earth like a man who can dance, just wait till you start doing your thing in front of a couple of girls from Zip, and then bust into the Robot — look out is all i gotta say.

    Look out.

    so fuck the Russians. Fuck what they’re doing to the World Famous. fuck what plans theyve got. fuck why theyre doing it.

    we are from Earth. unlike some of our leaders, we have thick skin. we can accept the body blow body blow body blow upper cut.

    we know how to do the damn thing and we will do the damn thing. thats why people love us. thats why we love us.

    thats why God blessed us with the Internet.

    because we could handle it and make art with it.

    and kiss it right in the mouth.

    which is what my advice is to you about your problems: french kiss those fuckers.

    and if you want, wipe your hand with your sleeve after.

  8. Sunday, January 15, 2017

    maybe 2017 should be the dark period 

    picasso had his blue period, brahms had his flute period

    perhaps the busblog should go super dark in 2017

    these tv serieses say they can only do five seasons and thats a load

    we can do whatever we want. hasnt trump howard stern dylan the kardashians

    and every single cat

    taught you by now that rules are fer fools

    heres my process to creating a busblog post

    inspired by an image

    tamp down the sadness/anger/fear/hatered/love

    squoosh it into the size of a raisin

    eat said fruit

    before it’s swallowed, finish the post

    and you better not have written about the inspiration

    or yr a dirty cheater.

  9. Monday, January 9, 2017

    there will be days when the road you take is blocked off 

    dont fight it.

    theres nothing to fight.

    there will be a time to fight things.

    but most of the time the lesson is, how can i work this?

    how can i improvise while going with the flow?

    how can i adjust?

    today there was a bomb scare or a real bomb at that big white building right there at the corner of Wilshire and San Vincente across from where i did lifespring way back in the day.

    back when i was a lad i got my French visa from the embassy near there. i met a girl a few blocks from there who rode me around her moped and kissed me overlooking the valley.

    one thing led to another and she told me to hit her. i said what? she said dont stop feeling me up, but with your other hand slap me. it turns me on. so i slapped her. she said harder. i said come on. she said no you come on. hit me bitch.

    she had the sweetest voice and behind all the make up and punk rock clothes and attitude and book smarts she was one of the softest creatures ive ever been close to. it was impossible for me to hit her. so i just knocked over her scooter right there on mulholland.

    well that was dumb, she complained.

    so was taking wilshire this morning, i want to tell her.

  10. Tuesday, December 13, 2016

    will i write about the Obey Sample Sale? yes. 

    will i write about my friends’ amazing Christmas Tree Trimming party?


    will i write about the hot selfies i get on my phone?


    will i write about how we are all doomed and the only way to fight it is to give in, to buy Russian jackets and war hats

    and start reading Tolstoy and the others.


    but what i really want to know is when did girls start getting all the cool clothes?

    we all started in the garden of eden with giant fig leaves to cover our naughty bits, how come the ladies ended up with all the cool fashions and we ended up with the same old?

    maybe we’d like pants that hug our curves and have faces of dead aliens on them

    maybe we want high heeled boots

    do you know how many women on Bumble are all omg im a CEO and im 5-11 whoops!

    maybe that wouldnt matter if dudes wore super awesome shoes with giant heels like KISS

    im listening to a country singer belt out a cover of “In Bloom” and im pretty sure this is the music that will be playing after i die

    and my soul floats up to Heaven where it will be judged and St. Peter will be all


    it’s only bad news if they call you by your slave name.

    which reminds me im thinking about changing my cell phone number because i get telemarketers at least once a day.

    robocalls really. not even people. who start off with Anthony, would you like to refinance your credit cards?

    never do they say Anthony would you like a clean bong? would you like a 6 foot blonde to wash yr dishes?

    would you like to find out if you would save shit tons of money by cutting the cord

    or growing your own sativa

    or cooking your own rice

    or only drinking water

    or never having fun

    or joining the army

    or starting a church

    or failing

    or falling

    or drowning

    and stopping?