nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, November 17, 2014

    really good weekend, super fun ubering, and then resting 

    jeaninebut probably the best thing that happened this weekend was getting to visit Jeanine.

    she is holed up in a secret xbi training center to work on her exhaustion.

    as you know the agency loves to poison us. sometimes they over do it.

    the way i combat it is to eat a ton of junk food. the preservatives and chemicals counteract the weirdness that they subversively give us and it all balances out.

    poor jeanine though eats well, and when the xbi did what they did to her, over years and years, it eventually wore her out.

    a month ago she was taken away and only recently was she able to receive guests and i am very glad to announce that she is doing so well, theres so much more life back in her eyes and heart and spirit. it was an absolute joy to spend an hour with her.

    funny thing about her, you can always tell how she is doing from her hair.

    saturday her hair was silky smooth and happy and bright and sparkling.

    she wanted to tell me all the stories about the other agents she is rehabbing with but i was all, there is no such thing as the xbi

    and for sure there is no such thing as agents who arent at 100%.

    she was all omg, but these people are sooooo fascinating!

    i was like, just tell me about you, what have you learned, what did you go through, how did you like the books i snuck in?

    so we talked and talked and someone recognized me and i said hi and they said you know if you wanted to drive jeanine around for a few minutes i’ll look the other way

    and quickly we hopped into my car and i said so what do you want to eat?

    she said, something healthy

    i said you can have anything in the world and you want an apple? how about some taco bell or jack in the box or a burrito from a truck. and she smiled and said, thats your technique, i like healthy good things. in fact im thinking about being a cook here, full time, like forever.

    it was so sweet. your girl is totally back. in such a short period of time. it was so good. sooooo good. so thank you for your good thoughts. they worked!

  2. Friday, September 12, 2014

    motel busblog 

    jeanine and ambersometimes kittens appear at your doorstep. so you say fine, why not.

    sometimes tall blondes with legs as long as the california coast start liking everything on your instagram.

    so you say fine why not.

    and sometimes your college girlfriend is floating around and could use your couch

    and you say of course baby.

    but then the xbi says no seriously we need to get the wires out of the walls of your house

    because we’re wireless now

    and if anything happens, like i dont know, you move, because you’re loco, and the next ppl see all the wires, then we’re screwed.

    so they start ripping up the walls of your sweet pad and your fridge is now in the kitchen and the kitty litter is now in the bathroom and the kittens are running around

    and dust is flying and at least theres lots of food in the pantry

    and amber and jeanine really get along. maybe because theyre born on the same day (!) and they have freaky similarities like they have a hard time answering yes or no questions.

    one day i went into the freezer for ice cream and there was butter pecan, something i thought only my granpa ate.

    i was like amber did you buy this butter pecan? and she was all, omg i love that but no. and jeanine said oh i did, lol.

    the other night as i got out of the shower i saw them spooning on the couch

    tv glow lighting up the room

    kittens asleep at their feet.

  3. Thursday, April 3, 2014

    mark was in town so he said lets have dinner with jeanine 


    so i was all, well we’ve gotta go eat sushi then cuz its right by her house.

    huge mistake because he was coming from los feliz, and i was coming from the miracle mile

    going that way in rush hour was a challenge but i thought about you the whole way so it wasnt bad

    and i listened to the cubs game.

    and i listened to Mr Little Jeans whose record just came out


    sometimes kanpai is good, sometimes it’s terrific, sometimes it’s really terrific.

    last night it was super great. everything melted in our mouths we couldnt get enough

    they have these coupons on Restaurant.com but the catch is you have to spend twice as much as the coupon

    so i had to order two rolls to go to hit our number and the total, tax included was $75

    so i added an extra $20 tip because peter is the best and i was out of there paying for three of us

    for under $100, it was amazing.

  4. Wednesday, March 5, 2014

    i was so exhausted today 


    and i was coughing and nauseous and at times i felt horrible

    but at the same time i worked ok. and now i feel fantastic.

    i think i was just so tired. maybe over tired.

    now its midnight and im going to bed. but first i wanted to tell you the best news

    jeanine, a few weeks ago was all, i wanna work at this one particular jewlery store

    and then the other day she goes to craigslist and Theres the store looking for her

    for exactly the job she wanted.

    today was her first day.

    how awesome is that.

    so weird how sometimes you can just visualize your future

    and then it comes true.

    lets all try it.

  5. Thursday, February 13, 2014

    today is jeanine’s birthday, shes 24 

    jeanine volcano

    jeanine has been one of my closest friends since i first seduced her in isla vista on cordova ave.

    a few weeks later she tried to kill herself, but it didnt take, so she, for some reason considers me her guardian angel instead of The Cause of All Misery, which is why she’s wonderful.

    like many close friends there are times when we laugh cry and scream at each other. sometimes in the same conversation.

    jeanine is going through a lot right now. she has experienced some deaths in her family, she has a very demanding career, and she is doing her best to detox from booze all by herself.

    like beyonce, shes an independent woman. unlike queen b, jeanine has no jay-z with benjamins to help smooth the road to success.

    yesterday i got a text message that she had a seizure at work and was rushed to the hospital.

    about an hour later i got another text from her boss saying “please call me tony” and i panicked because i thought she had died in the hospital.

    i was terrified to call because i didnt want to hear that news. i thought about all of the things that i wanted her to do with the next 100 years of her life and one of them being that i wanted her to teach my kids how to be guitar heroes.

    fortunately she is still alive. and kicking. and joking. and beautiful. and wonderful. and i am so happy and relieved.

    i love her so much and i look forward to dining with her tonight.

    happy birthday amazing aquarius!

  6. Tuesday, March 19, 2013
  7. Wednesday, February 13, 2013

    today is jeanine’s birthday, she’s 24 


    jeanine and i met famously in the newsroom of the uc santa barbara college paper, the daily nexus.

    neither of us knew it was an xbi plot.

    the original dates were disasters, but at night the agency would tweak our brain dynamics through radio waves

    and secretly poison our delicious fruit punch soda.

    and soon, not only were we in love, but we were shacking up

    and using landlines.


    id bring her on my jobs and say just stay in the car, but when i least expected it, there she was on the roof with me

    saying quick before you do that, smile pretty for the birdie

    me and jeanine

    sadly, turnabout wasnt always fair play.


    the xbi was happy with things so they sent us to the secret training facility on the moon

    where we experimented with invisible space suits


    on the weekends i enjoyed playing NHLPA hockey with the neighbors

    and jeanine liked to stand in the way of the screen

    attempting to use ESP on me so i’d sing bluegrass songs with her on the banjo.

    jeanine aj and me

    jeanine is so sweet she won over every man woman and lizard in isla vista.

    my mom still has pictures of her up in her house.


    but not this one because here she’s on acid.

    ken jeanine and bonnie

    jeanine has hand made the wedding rings of all of our married friends.

    its a cute little way for the xbi to keep an eye on the santa barbara mafia

    but it’s also a way for all of us to remember how special todays birthday girl is to us.

    happy birthday sweet sweet hollywood guitar goddess


    thanks for coming back to LA for us.

  8. Tuesday, November 27, 2012

    let the hollow points commence to pop pop pop 

    next month is the 20th anniversary of The Chronic.

    even though i felt i had been there forever, 20 years ago i was still new to the xbi

    so they sent me to new orleans for some, uh, training.

    jeanine and i were super in love so i brought her, against their wishes

    but whatevs, everything worked out. and today jeanine reminisced on facebook

    I’m finally getting caught up on my LA Weekly reading, re: “The Making of the Chronic” article. Somewhere there exists a VHS tape of me n’ Tony on a Spring Break vay-cay, in the one and only town of Gretna, LA, on our way to the French Quarter, listening to Dr. Dre’s just-released album. During the course of eight days,we had Popeye’s Chicken, tried Hurricanes and muffalettas for the first time, went to that restaurant where they filmed the Folger’s Coffee commercial, ate beignets at Cafe Du Monde, and in the midst of many downright tropical rainstorms, found a killer guitar shop that had a super awesome Herb Ellis ES-165 Gibson, vintage sunburst (I think) that I actually got to play for a while, a la Joe Pass style. Throughout, we agreed that The Chronic was a totally freakin’ awesome album.

    today she told me the nicest thing:

    we’ve known each other longer than we havent known each other

    humble brag: a few years ago Geoff Boucher took me to meet Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine. apparently they had decided that they were going to get into the headphones business. beats by dre or something crazy. they wanted geoff to listen to them. so he brought me.

    i got to meet everyone, i listened to the headphones. i handed them over to geoff

    and then i took this picture:

    proof that real life is often stonier than the green stuff.

    sometimes moreso in retrospect.

  9. Thursday, November 22, 2012

    ate some deep fried turkey yep 

    turkey deep fryer

    karisas bf and his buddies set up the death trap but because theyre scientists no one got hurt

    me, i protected the alcohol from an alien invasion

    even though we were hella late, so was erryone else so i prepared for my dish

    open other end

    not everyone can make the perfect plate of cb sauce but, with the help of jeanine, voila!

    people literally went crazy when they ate it.

    example a

    because no one trusts scientists, they cooked a regular turkey and of course there was the deep fried buddy

    there was also plenty of water. actually there was plenty of everything.

    people ate and were amazed. so amazed they didnt even eat at the table because it glowed of awesome too much.

    shack and dog

    then people started playing with the dog

    then mary started dancing on karisas brand new table

    then jeanine and karisa started talking in russian. and they couldnt stop after a while.

    then hot toddys were fixed up real nice along with dessert. which was delightful.

    then people started passing out. which is always funny.

    merry christmas y’all!

  10. Friday, October 26, 2012

    best poem i ever wrote about jeanine? prob this one 

    “oj and courtney and everyone but you”

    i writer everyday
    and ask her to come back
    but i do not send em
    i think about younger girls
    or bigger girls or wilder
    girls arent what im lookin for now
    but you know that
    and its not super, man, thinking about all of whatever happened
    that added up to this
    which is me alone at 2am
    suckin on a pen
    thinking of how i write and write and nothings

    you drive through the desert
    and you see two things
    oilrigs pumping and windmills spinning
    motion and no movement
    spirit, no action.
    whirling and whirling
    typing and hoping and praying
    and thinking
    im gonna die without her
    thinking im so stupid to even be thinking

    everyone gets over theirs
    i got over mines
    whats so damn perfect about this little flatchest grrl
    with her perfect hair and lips
    we’d kiss and cry and lie all night
    slept in so many rooms
    all over california mexico and foreign lands like
    gretna and maui
    whats the good lord got saved for me
    do bums in the street with heaps of dirty clothes used as sheets
    snoozing away in a doorway think about what the lords gonna bring em
    and who am i to ask when theyve got real dreams
    i just want my little girl.
    clouds pass by overhead silent in the nightsky
    theyre going to where clouds die
    and theyve seen her why dont they tell me hows it really.
    the rain, it rains, and it pours on a little pink girls bike
    half falling down no kickstand
    im damned why wont he say it
    in a holding cell not hell but close someone in the cloud has a rope
    but theyre scared id use it the cheater way and youd see dangling converses
    in the morning with milk but i got better plans dear fans
    i just want my little girl.
    and they bowl as the rain pours tears from sobbing saints twentyfour hours it flashes
    semis blow past spray mud on the corn and i wish sometimes i wasnt born
    you dont need me what role am i bukowski kicks the crap outta this guy
    dont sex good anymore and i cant hit a curve
    i teach fools how to sell im the king of the nerds
    so whys he got me breathing still aint i paid all my bills
    maybe thats it.
    i still want my little girl.