nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, November 1, 2015

    theres nothing you cant do in the whole wide world, i promise 


    have i told you jeanine is sleeping on my couch? yep. actually its her couch. it’s a great couch. i’ll miss it when she goes, but everything changes and goes back again.

    this is a photo of jeanine and i in maui. i had just been fired by Sears. as the boss was doing it i said but i’m your best salesman.

    he said you are my Second best salesman.

    i said, if you think i did something wrong, Pablo does like 5-6 things wrong before he even makes his first sale.

    he said, yes but Pablo speaks Spanish and you do not.

    i was all wow. you realize i am going to Maui next week.

    he said, oh i didn’t know that. do you want me to delay this until you come back?

    i said, no… no…. No.

    he said, seriously man youre way bigger than selling tvs at Sears.

    i said, i know, and youre right, i shouldnt be working here any more.

    so Jeanine and I went to Maui and the whole time i was all, youre gonna die when you get back to Isla Vista. youre gonna be homeless in the park oogling co-eds and dancing for a buck with a broom so you can buy a 40 and drink it on the beach.

    which didnt sound so bad drinking beers on a boat to Molokini (pictured)

    and when i returned i wrote to Magnavox and told them that i hadnt ever seen one of their reps come in to our store in Santa Barbara, could i apply to be the rep.

    and they said, not only can you, but we will give you a salary and a company car.

    and my first training was with my old boss, my old co-workers, and i learned a few key phrases en Español

    for my good buddy Pablo who suddenly wasnt smiling so wide

  2. Friday, October 23, 2015

    pretty great birthday, gotta say 

    chris and jeanine at my birthday dinner

    my work friends took me to marie calendars for lunch and that was super swell

    they reminded me that i hadn’t stopped working at E! just a few years ago, indeed it was closer to 13 years ago.

    mama mia time flies.

    they asked me if i had any advice for them since i was sooooo much older than them.

    and i pointed at the E! building across the street and i said, since you mention that place, i’d have to say

    blog. blog every day. blog online. it doesnt have to be open to the public. but one thing im so happy about is the fact that if i ever want to go back and see what i was doing or thinking or hanging with, it’s all right there in my words and pictures and nobody can take it down. facebook might close shop one day. then where are your memories?

    our grub

    after work Jeanine and Chris took me to Rush Street in Culver City and we ate all these adult meals. I had salmon with green mashed potatoes. jeanine had sliders and chris had some sustainable pizza. it was all delicious. ive known Chris since i was 21 and Jeanine since i was 23. im more than double that now and they are still such a great part of my life. im very very lucky.

    bad beer

    chris and i split this $29 bottle of Goose Island Halia which tasted like a terrible mistake that they couldnt sell so they put an outrageous price on it and hipsters were all OMG it must be fantastic. but it was far from fantastic but since Chris and i went to UCSB and had lots of far from fantastic beers there, we drank almost all of it, and i poured some out for the bad people who arent with us.

    afterwards Jeanine and I walked across the street to the kirk douglas theatre, where she had bought us front row tickets to see Courtney Love in a pop-opera. I was so close to Courtney i could have touched her. it was a very weird play. im not real sure what it was about but it was enjoyable and only an hour. i recommend it for anyone who loves Ms Love and wants to be super close to her physically while she sings this guy’s weird songs. the lighting was terrific. it’s amazing what they can do with a small stage.

    all in all, i cant believe i made it to 137 years old. i cant believe pretty girls want to get naked with me. i cant believe my back still works and my fingers and my nose and my heart and my eyes and my knees. i swear im going to start exercising more as i approach 200 years old. i havent hiked in ages and havent run in god knows how long. i seriously need to join the gym across from my work next week. because this great luck cant last for ever. can it?

  3. Saturday, October 3, 2015

    jeanine and i saw van halen last night at the hollywood bowl 

    van halen at the hollywood bowl

    dave is a goofball, eddie is a maestro, alex is an animal and young wolfgang totally shreds on bass

    they have an arsenal of classic riffs and crowd pleasing hits

    millionaires several times over and rightfully so

    and yet at the bowl they had the cheesiest graphic display behind the drums ive ever seen.

    was it a parody? were they being sarcastic?

    was it all a sinister hack by Anonymous?


    hollywood bowl sangria

    the Bowl played along by busting with some performance art of their own

    “who would pay so much money for such a thing? find out in this weeks episode of ‘$28 Sangria!'”

    pope shirts, ive got your pope shirts right hereand seriously, van halen sounded terrific and it’s great to see this line up

    back at home, looking full of life

    but then i met this guy who looked exactly like Barry Bonds selling Pope tshirts

    i said i want your shirt

    he said i cant sell you this shirt

    i asked why

    he said because i got this there

    i said id pay double

    he said i saw him.

    i said it reminds me of something id give a catholic raiders fan’s teenage daughter

    he said, i saw him.

    it was jeanines second trip to the bowl in as many days having just seen duran duran on thursday.

    as we walked up the hill towards the entrance of the bowl she was telling me how great the fab five were and how fun it was and what the people were wearing and all the songs she hadnt realized she knew and all the types of people were there and how solid the band sounded

    and we got to our seats and the lights dimmed and van halen played about two minutes of Runnin with the Devil and she said,


    this is way better.

  4. Sunday, July 19, 2015

    the cats were all, hey why are there bars on the windows 

    freedom frames

    i was like, those arent bars, those are Freedom Frames.

    jeanine is staying with me now for a little while.

    the place she was subletting mysteriously had a problem with subleasing once the main tenant reneged on the deal. will jeanine get the balance of her rent back? probably not.

    when people are on the spiral down, and know the correct decision is rehab, often those people refuse to take the correct route until things have completely fallen apart.

    as long as other people are paying your rent, it’s tough to completely fall apart.

    thats one of the lessons i learned the last time jeanine was crashing on my couch.

    now almost exactly a year later, she is fully recovered, working, vibrant, alive, coherent, and sparkling new.

    it’s a joy to have her back here. the cats feel the same way.

    huge shoutout to the Clare foundation, the state federal government for subsidizing programs like theirs, and Bill the founder AA.

  5. Tuesday, May 12, 2015

    went to the new kanpai last night with jeanine and sass 

    new kanpai

    the new kanpai is about two miles away from the old kanpai, but this one is on sepulveda on the way to LAX

    sass and sushi

    sass is being kicked out of america for being too sexy so we decided to celebrate by eating all the fish

    while singing

    not super crowded

    we didn’t disturb anyone because no one knows the new kanpai even exists yet which was great


    it meant we could eat these weird baby sardines on top of shrimp wrapped delightfulness

    jeanine and sass

    only bad thing about new kanpai is they haven’t paid off the powers that be yet so you cant drink there

    but you get 10% off your tab which is good because new kanpai still has old kanpai prices

    which is why i usually rob a bank before i go there, but damn is it worth it.


    Kanpai Sushi Bar & Grill
    8736 S Sepulveda Blvd
    Los Angeles, CA 90045

    just look for the bathroom sign that has a typo

  6. Friday, May 8, 2015

    its cold and rainy and depressing in LA right now 

    mad catterbut you know what cheered me up really nicely last night?

    a lovely phone call from your bff jeanine marie bon natale.

    her transformation from drunky drunky hard to even talk with alkie

    to super clear super focused sweet as can be straight edge angel is a joy to behold.

    proof that your life can turn around in a split second once you truly decide that you are not who you are pretending to be

    once you choose Good over dumb

    once you say i deserve the best.

    it’s incredible how quickly it all changed and how real it is.

    like i’d bet on it.

    id bet that not only will she never drink again but she wont even consider it.

    it’s a miracle in the making, this little girl who could drink a bottle of whatever in a matter of hours has now totally turned her back on it all

    not because she has to or because someone told her to

    but because she sees absolute no value in being at the bottom of a bottle.

    it’s adorable and wonderful and gives you hope that not only is there God

    but he loves us.

  7. Tuesday, March 17, 2015

    happy anniversary Jeanine 

    jeanine and me

    a zillion years ago a mysterious creature named Jeanine made her way into the offices of the Daily Nexus.

    she wore a scowl and a men’s blazer. she looked like Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club and because I’m a sucker for the Unknown i HAD to know who she was and what made her tick.

    she hated me immediately because i was loud and cocky and had rough edges for days.

    i probably also reeked.

    we had a few dates and they were terrible and one day she dropped acid and looked me in the eyes and kissed me and i was all omg omg omg omg

    a week or so later was the california collegiate journalism awards.

    earlier that year i had been fired and later banned from the Nexus but somehow my three Arts sections had been submitted for judgement so i got in a car with Jeanine and a long haired named Trevor Top and we made our way from IV to Sacramento.

    along the way i realized Trevor liked her too. i was very nervous because i felt he was way cooler than me, but i had kissed her, so i had that on him.

    many of us piled into just a few rooms we drank nibbled on pizza and hit the hot tub.

    there i held her hand to see if she would hold it in return. she did, so i kissed her. then again. it was lovely.

    soon i was trying on my dress. the men of the Nexus in those days wore dresses to the awards because we were loud, cocky, and had rough edges for days that were softened with the thrift store frocks.

    Jeanine helped me with my look and we walked hand in hand to the banquet room where after a few hours it became obvious that the Nexus, as usual, was going to waltz home with Every award. myself included. which was the first time we had won for Arts.

    victory was mine! retribution! i had fought for every idea in those sections. much of was in contradiction to our terrible EIC at the time who had just won Best in State but had to deal with his arch enemy, moi, not only winning my big prize, but best of all i got the girl: jeanine, who couldnt care less about the awards, but was wooed by a man in a dress who was now on top of the world and on top of her on the floor of our room.

    a few days later we drove to frisco, then mexico and along the way we fell in love.

    the date was march 17th. st. paddys day. our anniversary. 10 BC. and we will love each other forever.

  8. Thursday, February 26, 2015

    sad to see my mom and chris go home 


    mom squeezing hollywood

    last night my mom chris jeanine and i went to kanpai and had a great time.

    it was actually super fun and it was real nice to share with everyone all the good things

    like melt in your mouth sushi fish

    magically delicious vegetables

    and a lobster roll where the lobster tells you exactly what to do to get the most out of it

    lobster roll

    everyone was happy because jeanine is recovering so well and shes so alive and so great again

    we were also in the glow of the oscars which i was so lucky to share with chris and ma

    on our drive through LA we saw big houses and talked and talked and talked

    it  was so nice.

    then i had to drop of chris and we cried inside cuz we still have a magic bond

    and shes still so beautiful and sweet

    me and the truest

    and im still a tshirt wearing dope.

    then me and mom had an hour to kill so we went up and down the beach and then it was time for her to fly back to the snow

    so she did

    and i drove home and ordered a pizza and passed out cuz i was tired.

    im so lucky to have so many special people in my life and they got to hang for a little together.

    now, back to work

  9. Friday, February 13, 2015

    today is jeanine’s birthday, she’s back from Hell 


    some of us have been to the edge

    some of us have stared down into the big ugly

    some of us have had the taste of darkness

    jeanine has gone further and deeper and been places that should have never given her back to us.

    but we are so lucky she is still here.

    jeanine could drink more than any person i have ever met, and i know some drinkers.

    she consumed more substances than even her former drug dealer boyfriend

    (except pot. she hates pot.)

    and she did this for years and years and years.

    she was in the ICU on several occasions. french kissing death. saying comeon comeon comeon like kim gordon sneers in “kool thing”

    but even death knew jeanine had more to do here, on this planet, with all of us.

    and spit her back out.

    amber and jeaninethen a miracle happened.

    i was dating young amber smith blog and we discovered that jeanine and amber shared the same birthday

    not only that but they had similar demons.

    the miracle was that amber had gone through the steps that it took to rid her self of her evils and she was sweet enough to share that with her birthday sister.

    amber coached me that i was doing everything wrong. she told me that i had to let jeanine go and do her own thing and she would find the true path alone.

    it was scary but it worked. jeanine rode busses from the beach to DTLA to the valley to jump through all of the red tape that she needed to get help.

    omg socialized help

    which not only saved her life, but restored her to the jeanine we first knew and loved some two decades ago.

    today jeanine is sober, healthy, happy, alert, aware, and full of life.

    she is responsible and motivated and filled with happiness and joy and doing things she probably never thought she’d ever be doing like talking to her mom all the time, reading the bible, and just saying no.

    it’s a transformation we all hoped would happen but never thought would take place so quickly and thoroughly, but Jeanine is the essence of quickness. she taught herself guitar and piano in days. she became a certified jeweler in months. and now she has her sights set to be a master chef. which she will accomplish, no doubt, in part, to honor her late brother.

    i have had the great pleasure of knowing some of the most unique and special people in the world and jeanine continues to surprise me in beautiful ways.  and i love her so much and im so happy for her because i can only imagine how tough it was for her to get here.

    she has been on the craziest road and i thank God that she never gave up.

    happy birthday Jeanine. here’s to many more.

    and thank you and happy birthday Amber. without you who knows what would have happened to Jeanine.

  10. Monday, November 17, 2014

    really good weekend, super fun ubering, and then resting 

    jeaninebut probably the best thing that happened this weekend was getting to visit Jeanine.

    she is holed up in a secret xbi training center to work on her exhaustion.

    as you know the agency loves to poison us. sometimes they over do it.

    the way i combat it is to eat a ton of junk food. the preservatives and chemicals counteract the weirdness that they subversively give us and it all balances out.

    poor jeanine though eats well, and when the xbi did what they did to her, over years and years, it eventually wore her out.

    a month ago she was taken away and only recently was she able to receive guests and i am very glad to announce that she is doing so well, theres so much more life back in her eyes and heart and spirit. it was an absolute joy to spend an hour with her.

    funny thing about her, you can always tell how she is doing from her hair.

    saturday her hair was silky smooth and happy and bright and sparkling.

    she wanted to tell me all the stories about the other agents she is rehabbing with but i was all, there is no such thing as the xbi

    and for sure there is no such thing as agents who arent at 100%.

    she was all omg, but these people are sooooo fascinating!

    i was like, just tell me about you, what have you learned, what did you go through, how did you like the books i snuck in?

    so we talked and talked and someone recognized me and i said hi and they said you know if you wanted to drive jeanine around for a few minutes i’ll look the other way

    and quickly we hopped into my car and i said so what do you want to eat?

    she said, something healthy

    i said you can have anything in the world and you want an apple? how about some taco bell or jack in the box or a burrito from a truck. and she smiled and said, thats your technique, i like healthy good things. in fact im thinking about being a cook here, full time, like forever.

    it was so sweet. your girl is totally back. in such a short period of time. it was so good. sooooo good. so thank you for your good thoughts. they worked!