nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, November 18, 2015

    how jlo could cure the syrian refugee debate 

    JLO in her green dressforeign terrorism makes some people very scared. more scared than the domestic gun epidemic where there is an average of one mass shooting here in the US a day.

    (because someone’s kid being shot by white supremest is different than someone’s kid being shot by an anti-american?)

    some are so scared that foreign terrorism might bleed into domestic terrorism that they are trying to stop president obama from allowing 10,000 syrian refugees.

    some of the frightened are GOP governors and presidential candidates who yesterday got dissed by the commander in chief, “These are the same folks oftentimes who suggest that they’re so tough that just talking to Putin or staring down ISIL, or using some additional rhetoric somehow is going to solve the problems out there,” President Obama said.

    “But apparently, they’re scared of widows and orphans coming into the United States of America as part of our tradition of compassion. First, they were worried about the press being too tough on them during debates. Now they’re worried about three-year-old orphans. That doesn’t sound very tough to me.”

    because i don’t like to see my parents fight, i have thought of a great way to split the baby, so to speak: Puerto Rico. the tropical island is a U.S. territory which is called home by over 3 million people.

    america’s sweetheart JLo is from NYC but her parents are from PR. america’s other sweetheart, Ricky Martin, was born there. my plan is to send the 10,000 refugees, many of whom, as the president said, are women and children, to the island and let them be safe there.

    Puerto Rico is poor. it would be the poorest state in our union if we allowed it to be a state. 77% of the people there make minimum wage ($7.25 an hour). weirdly enough, Syria is even poorer. the average person there makes $12 a DAY.

    if we placed these refugees in Puerto Rico their standard of living would immediately rise, they would be safe, and all of those in the home of the brave who were scared by them would be put at ease because part of my plan would be to let them stay in PR for five years before they were allowed to travel to other parts of the US.

    something tells me these women and children would not only be happy to agree to those terms, but they would enhance the island and make it even better than it currently is.

    perhaps JLo and Ricky could hold a concert there to welcome them and the net earnings would go to funding their living expenses.

    states who have surrendered


    de nada. 

  2. Thursday, August 16, 2012
  3. Thursday, August 2, 2012

    jlo loves fried chicken 

    and i am deeply in lust with the 2nd ammendment

    and if i have learned one thing about Americans this week

    it is that some people will stand in long lines to eat chicken for political reasons

    which is something im also in love with because im a wannabe business owner

    so last night jlo and i were sitting on the porch swing just watching the mostly full moon

    holding hands listening to the transistor radio

    looking up at the night sky playing the old game

    Shooting Star or Space Waste

    when j was all lets open up a gun store that sells that smothered chicken you like

    (she gets mad that i like to drive to South Central for baked chicken drowning in gravy)

    (jlo hates traffic)

    (she also hates side streets)

    she was all, lets call it Greasy Trigger Finger.

    i was all, i heart you jlo

    she was all, our nuggets can be shaped like hand grenades.

    and a shooting star streaked across the hollywood night.

  4. Monday, July 30, 2012

    ri ri oui oui 

    there was a time when all i wore was Vision Street Wear

    there was a time when it was the coolest ever.

    you could get it at Venice Beach.

    even the rip off tshirt place had fake versions of it

    the same way they sell fake Coach bags and fake Rolexes

    imagine that, fake skateboard tshirts.

    jlo got mad this weekend that i was blogging about her

    so she said

    pretend that my name is rihanna

    i was all cats outta the bag baby

    and she gave me that look. that PR look.

    so i was all, ok ri ri

    and we went back to playing Uno

    and sipping on mimosas.

    later i went hiking with her bff, the yoga teacher.

    like me, j,

    i mean ri

    is not the type that gets jealous


    just dont do anything a real blog would retweet

    she said sweetly.

    even though i nearly choked on my mini muffin

  5. Sunday, July 29, 2012

    she writes me the most wonderful emails 

    cuduhay they say we dont write letters any more,
    which is true,

    but they whine about it.

    oh wheres the handwriting, what about the stationary, and the stickers
    and the envelope
    and the fragrance on the envelope.

    its all packaging and marketing, some will say

    or style, rendering, personality


    some will argue

    if you can write you can write anywhere. on any platform.

    convicts use kites in the hole

    the indians have smoke signals

    she writes emails

    and i write em right back.

    what else ya gonna do. wait for holograms to get invented?

    some of us arent afraid to go for it. and some others arent afraid

    to really go for it.

    dont you wanna live while you can

    dont you wanna be the example for the next wave.

    arent we supposed to lead by example?

    but as she says

    what are we supposed to do, let the dbags have all the fun?

  6. Saturday, July 28, 2012

    j.lo was all, yeah i met axl once 

    axl rose we were staying at the mondrian and i never do this but i went to get some ice in just my robe

    and there was axl in the hallway in his robe

    also with a bucket.

    you need a key card for some reason to open the door for the ice

    but axl didnt bring his key card which also meant he was locked out of his room

    this young girl came out of his room after he started banging on the ice room door

    she spoke french.

    shhhh mon ami she cooed

    like a sleepy little kitten.

    when she spotted me she asked if she could take a picture.

    axl said no no thats not cool.

    but i said oh its ok.

    but let me take one of you too.

  7. Thursday, July 26, 2012

    downtown los angeles says hi 


    if you must know ive been seeing J.Lo on and off for the last few months.

    mostly off because she likes pretty boys with dancer bodys more than bloggers.

    i can understand but when she gets drunk or lonely guess whose iPhone lights up.

    her favorite place in LA is the disney hall. so i go, why dont you play there ever.

    but we have a little agreement that i never discuss each others figures

    and we dont talk about work.

    lets talk about amor, papi, she whispers.

    but i dont wanna talk about no amor

    and i dont like always having to say what when she whispers constantly

    she saves her voice for her singing.

    its like dating a sexy batman.

    anyways we park across the street from the disney holding hands and just staring at the building

    designed by googenheim or melloncamp or someone

    who knows

    i just know that her fiat looks cute from the outside

    but isnt very practical.

    what do we listen to when we hold hands?

    the duke spirit