busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, September 17, 2019

    today i got a job 

    if you’ve noticed, i havent had a job for going on six months.

    that all ended the other day when one thing led to another which led to another which led to an email which led to some paperwork and before you can say

    timetostartworking

    i had a job.

    with cool people. who are just as idealistic as i am. and creative. and fun.

    and most importantly, ready to rock.

    i dont wanna jinx it – if that’s even possible – but this might just be the perfect fit.

    i told them some of the ridiculous things that i aspire to accomplish in the next few years

    and whereas others said, yeah no

    these people said, yes yes.

    i posted it on facebook and all my friends said yes yes too

    it was very sweet.

    then like a dozen new people followed me on twitter

    to be honest, today was a daze just like how you feel when you lose a job

    all day i was thinking, is this real? am i getting emotional?

    must. keep. it. together.

    i had a boss a while back, a genius, she said there are two type of people

    builders and maintainers.

    builders like to be places where there’s a thing, and it’s sorta new and they like to see if they can help it grow to be something spectacular.

    then theres people who like to enter when it’s fully grown and do it’s best to keep it strong and vital.

    she said, tony you’re a builder. build your crazy dr seuss kingdoms and get out when it feels like maintaining.

    and looking back, all the times when i wasn’t part of giant growth i was trying to find new ways to grow stuff, to make things, to put cool things on the map.

    amber has had to ask me twice now to say the website

    los angeleno, i said, like you. you are a native los angeleno

    and she was all, yes yes

    yes yes

  2. Thursday, March 7, 2019

    well today turned out being the day 

    some people are so paranoid about days like today that they do things that theyd never do. some dont care. and some are like me: they feel every emotion across the scale, up down and sideways.

    but since nothing in here is true heres what i will say. the xbi knew before i did. they messaged me on FB on like saturday. pretty much hey u up?

    which is unusual because usually they ESP, but i guess they wanted to make it formal. i can’t believe they even find me of any interest. im so out of shape. is there a new project they want me for? also they know im not super desperate right now, what gives? so that was mildly creepy that they knew, but good for them. they’re supposed to know the future. thats their job. me, i was in denial.

    but i was also working. day and night. id watch movies for work all night. id sleep late but as soon as i woke i was on the phone or writing or editing or doing something. my head wasnt right. i was feeling a disturbance in the force early. it threw me off. i need cheerleaders in my life to balance the demons in the old noggin. cuz if you think im a creative SOB you oughtta hear the voices in my head, and their accents! so its always good to have a radio on or a tv or a window cracked or a girl dancing on the table, anything other than turning on to FM YOURE GONNA DIE.

    the worst part is telling your mom. cuz she worries. and shes retired. and she has enough problems with my sister and her family and the weather and so you tell her its gonna be ok but she wants Answers and whats the answer. the answer is springsteens atlantic city: everything dies, baby thats a fact, and maybe everything that dies, some day comes back, put your make up on, fix your hair up pretty and meet me tonight in atlantic city.

    thats the only song im gonna let play in my head. not everyone elses dooms day serenade. not beautiful lies or anger or hurt or sorry. im gonna just look around and see what there is to see. if i am too old for this thing, then i need to look in a different place for a new thing. if no one likes my brilliant ideas then maybe i can drive that benz 17 hours a day.

    i live in the coolest, second biggest city in the us of a. if i cant make it here im not trying. and not only do i gotta try but i got a pretty girl whose nervous, i got two cats that gotta eat, and i made this bed ive gotta turn it into a water bed now.

    and heres the thing. ive been in far far far worse situations than this, and what i just did for the last 5 years is some of the best things ive done ever. except for npr i have a perfect record. sparkling. did everyone love me? did everyone love prince? did everyone love sinatra? i heard tell that when mr pilate asked the crowd if they should kill jesus or kill an actual criminal the entire crowd said kill jesus, the guy who fed them and cured all their sick homies. so aint no way any of us is gonna get a perfect rotten tomato score in life.

    but i say try to be good everyone. from the guy who delivers the mail to the guy who protects you on the first floor to the people on every floor and inbetween and in the garage and on the red carpet and in the comments. love them. you have reason to love them too. love them. love them all. love them the way you would want to be loved. love them forever and always. if you cant find a place to start loving, start with the eyes and work your way to the heart. know that people celebrated when they were born and cleaned them and fed them and drove em to school. and now youre trying to continue that love.

    and if you dont get this or that or the other, good. we get what we are ready for. i was ready for this. i was ready for that. and thats why i did well. so the question is, am i ready for atlantic city?

    fuck yeah i am.

    but are they ready for me?