nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, November 22, 2015

    ten years ago today tsar opened up for juliette lewis and the licks 

    juliete and the licks

    i was working for buzznet at the time and we had many missions but one of them was we wanted to inspire kids to take interesting pictures from concerts that they attended and post them on buzznet instead of myspace.

    so one of the things that i did as community manager was lead by example.

    at the office we had a canon rebel or it was mine or i bought one or they bought one for me. who knows. i used it that night.

    i ran around the troub trying to find the right spot, but it was hard, it was really dark

    juliete and the licks

    i was nervous because at the office there was a lot of strife. more specifically, i caused a lot of strife because i never kept my mouth shut. for some reason i thought it was ok for me to speak my mind. i was wrong. thus the strife. whatever, i thought im gonna just prove my points, single handed, all the time and then people will start believing that i know what im talking about.

    juliete and the licksjuliete and the licks

    but i was wrong again. nothing i did convinced anyone.

    juliete and the licks

    weirdly, i had experienced something like this before in my life, when i was younger.

    i learned that this was going to be a no-win situation.

    when i realized it, i started getting super sick. like puking all the time.

    symbolism for all the things i was stifling all of a sudden.

    juliete and the licks

    but at the tsar / juliette lewis show i felt fantastic. i knew that no matter how good my pics were someone was gonna say something dumb.

    juliete and the licks

    but i knew that in ten years id look at them and id say, damn, those are the best canon rebel pics of a tsar show ever.

    juliete and the licks

    after i got fired i got a job at LAist and everyone lived happily ever after.

  2. Wednesday, March 26, 2014
  3. Monday, November 21, 2005


    juliette and the licksw/juliette lewis & the licks
    west hollywood

    tsar is the hottest band in america. hands down. thats not even in debate.

    the question is why arent they getting any radio play outside of tinsel town.

    the quartet fresh from touring canada and the pacific northwest took a two by four to the immaculate preconceptions of the lovely lesbians waiting to adore their juliette and turned half of them straight

    in tiny puddles of glee.

    mixing classic cuts with should-be hits from band girls money, jeff whalen and his posse took the stage precisely at 9:30pm and literally stopped time.

    it was like the matrix except with better music

    instead of bullets musical notes sped across the frozen audience and instead of the world rotating, all that moved were the camera angles until the universe nearly imploded and dan mashed his foot on the effect pedal

    and then POW

    atoms were split, lions layed down with lambs, good and evil frenched kissed in the vip section of the whosit and juliettes nipples hardened in her dressing room

    a new child was borned named emmaunelle

    this one minus the kidney problems

    he sprouted wings collected his arrow and took aim up westhollywood accompanied only with the devil winds from santa ana

    drunk with power and might and the promise of a few days off Tsar took no prisoners assualting our senses with rock slash roll, with generous doses of the former and a smidge of the latter.

    the chick from the sopranos who died in the show and ended up in the hell called “joey” nearly spilt her drink.

    jeff koganuts koga front and center wore a flack jacket and ducked under the flame of majesty as he snapped pictures of the event and late late last night posted his findings on blogging.la but left out the part where his hair had turned white and his rod had lenghtened and curled.

    caterpillars evolved into elephants

    moths turned into midgets

    and the dreams and wishes of rock fans everywhere came to fruition on a stage once rocked by the doors, kiss, the eagles, and spinal tap; who it turned out, played there only as an preminition to what was to be the tsar show that you missed last night in los angeles.

    some have taken me up on my invitation to witness the revolution and they came out believers in the Truth

    some have chosen to continue to waltz to the dance of the dead

    all i can do skywrite across the stratosphere

    i cant make a horse drink.

    but trust me when i tell you that theres a reason why karisa j left her hottub on the wesssside and why the lipsticked lesbians of hollywood left temple early and lined up on santa monica blvd to bathe in the holy spirt of rock

    yes it was to see juliette lewis jump into the crowd not once but twice during her encore

    but it was to find out what the fuck that crazy sound was, that buzz, that unchained melody, that careless whisper, that silent scream

    its name is tsar

    and they kiss girls too.

    meet me in chicago on saturday night + hi gwen’s nipple + the doo dah was hot