nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, September 10, 2015

    totally ubered Tara Reid the other day 

    Paris Hilton and Tara Reid at the opening of  Avalon

    here she is pictured with brian urlacher at the opening of the Avalon a few years ago.

    it was a fun ride. picked her up in the hollywood hills, we drove past a chipotle that had the most delicious smells emanating from it. we decided there was no way that was the chipotle smelling so good.

    we talked about LA and strip clubs and sushi and vegas.

    sometimes people are glued to their phones, texting away or looking at facebook but tara was sitting back enjoying the ride and our conversation.

    we took fountain to la cienega and she said the sushi place she was meeting a friend at was the one across from the coronet

    because im from the streets i said, oh the one across from Trashy Lingerie?

    she said yes yes!

    i was going to tell her about Kanpai but the other day young Ali and i dined there and the fish was far less than amazing

    we decided we will return next time to see if it was a fluke, but my fear is that now that they have two locations perhaps they are running out of the magic stuff.


    and the last thing id want to do is steer the girl from American Pie in the wrong direction.

    after our ride was about over i said, hey your name on the app says Tara are you Tara Reid?

    she said yes.

    i said wow, love your movies, and i gotta say you look way prettier in real life.

    she said thank you in that delightful raspy voice and i tweeted and she retweeted my tweet so we’re basically engaged now.


  2. Tuesday, May 12, 2015

    went to the new kanpai last night with jeanine and sass 

    new kanpai

    the new kanpai is about two miles away from the old kanpai, but this one is on sepulveda on the way to LAX

    sass and sushi

    sass is being kicked out of america for being too sexy so we decided to celebrate by eating all the fish

    while singing

    not super crowded

    we didn’t disturb anyone because no one knows the new kanpai even exists yet which was great


    it meant we could eat these weird baby sardines on top of shrimp wrapped delightfulness

    jeanine and sass

    only bad thing about new kanpai is they haven’t paid off the powers that be yet so you cant drink there

    but you get 10% off your tab which is good because new kanpai still has old kanpai prices

    which is why i usually rob a bank before i go there, but damn is it worth it.


    Kanpai Sushi Bar & Grill
    8736 S Sepulveda Blvd
    Los Angeles, CA 90045

    just look for the bathroom sign that has a typo

  3. Monday, March 16, 2015

    the Lord’s Day 

    sass with my special

    even though it was the lords day, i had a full day which started with sass texting me telling me she was back in america did i wanna meet her for brunch

    i said sure, where? she said how about by your house. so she drove her mini to me and got a table and texted me which is precisely what you should do and i waltzed over and we started chatting and soon there were grits and eggs benedict and lemonade which is also precisely what i love for brunch.

    sass is traveling a lot. globetrotting. and of course in the midst of lots of dramaz so it was fun to talk about all of those things. afterwards she wanted a real juice because the air quality was affecting her sensitive ph balance so we drove over to hipster central and got her some of the Tony Special. it was lovely.

    sunset in venice

    ali called me out on insta the night before because i was ubering in her neck of the woods and i didnt reach out to her. you just assume a smoking hot single girl who has been toning that sweet bod through crossfit would be up to her eyeballs with male attention, but i suppose everyone wants a little more busblog in their lives, so i texted her back and said lets sushi? she said oui.

    because the lovely amber had hooked me up with some uber rides i decided to play it safe and uber over because the large saki large beer combo is just begging for a DUI so for the past few times ive gone ive ubered. it’s nice. thanks amber.

    and because it was the Lords day i brought my ipad and read the bible on the way. we were driving right into the sunset and it was a dream. i really am very lucky to live here. especially when i hear about boston’s 100 inches of snow.

    ali and i had a great time. peter served us well. the only frustration he and i had was she wouldnt tell us what secret video game she is so busy working on, but in a few months we will all know and she swears we will love it.

    soft shelled crab

    on my uber ride home i was totally prepared to read more especially when my uber driver was struggling with english, but as we talked i realized he is from Iraq. so he told me all about what it was like to live there his whole life but was forced to immigrate here after the fall of saddam because the violence was unmanageable.

    he told me that the two times the US bombed the city we were always careful to only hit military targets, civilians rarely got hurt. but after the fall of saddam other islamic forces started fighting each other. “it would be like Glendale fighting Burbank” he explained. he said he often had to inspect under his car for bombs and eventually the bad people took over his whole block and kicked everyone out of their homes and then blew them up.

    fortunately he had been working for an american company for a few years and they helped him move here with his family. older guy. so sweet. answered all of my questions with very little emotion. but i was dying inside. imagine being terrorized by one enemy after another and worst of all the “liberation” of your tyrant turns out to be a bad thing.

    when he dropped me off i thanked him for sharing his story, i tipped him well, and even though i was a little buzzed i said, “hold on, wait, i know this phrase, ah yes, a salaam alaikum”

    he smiled very warmly and said “Wa alaykum.”

    indeed it was the Lord’s Day.

  4. Thursday, February 26, 2015

    sad to see my mom and chris go home 


    mom squeezing hollywood

    last night my mom chris jeanine and i went to kanpai and had a great time.

    it was actually super fun and it was real nice to share with everyone all the good things

    like melt in your mouth sushi fish

    magically delicious vegetables

    and a lobster roll where the lobster tells you exactly what to do to get the most out of it

    lobster roll

    everyone was happy because jeanine is recovering so well and shes so alive and so great again

    we were also in the glow of the oscars which i was so lucky to share with chris and ma

    on our drive through LA we saw big houses and talked and talked and talked

    it  was so nice.

    then i had to drop of chris and we cried inside cuz we still have a magic bond

    and shes still so beautiful and sweet

    me and the truest

    and im still a tshirt wearing dope.

    then me and mom had an hour to kill so we went up and down the beach and then it was time for her to fly back to the snow

    so she did

    and i drove home and ordered a pizza and passed out cuz i was tired.

    im so lucky to have so many special people in my life and they got to hang for a little together.

    now, back to work

  5. Friday, June 20, 2014


    Amber at Kanpai

    Picked her up after she got blown, she spied my license plate and asked what’s the xbi?

    After dining with her for a few hours it dawned on me that she knew as well as I did.

    Amber reminds me a lot of Rollins, a sober Bukowski, my college girlfriend, and miss universe 2042.

    But the best was when after looking at the dessert menu and not seeing what she wanted, she simply said to the waiter

    May I have something that I don’t see here at all?

    And ESPed him her desire and poof there it was


    What’s the xbi, indeed.

  6. Saturday, May 31, 2014

    ive been there over 100 times yet im still figuring it out 

    ali and chris

    i was having a great night ubering when i got a call from ali who said she was having sushi dreams and where was i

    i said i was in south gate. she said wheres south gate i said its between huntington park and lynwood

    she said what are you doing there?

    i said, this super cool family in redondo beach knows this great mexican restaurant out there so they ubered me to take em

    and it really does look great.

    she said, you know what would look great: sushi in my belly.

    and somehow i stopped working and sped down the 105 west and was mildly disappointed when i didnt see my man peter there

    peter knows whats good whats super fresh whats rare and whats entirely fictional

    then he puts it on the table and then it gets shoved down my face.

    but without him i was voted the person who should order and i did pretty good on most things

    mystery thing

    and not good at all on other things: example a: the mythical mystery conch

    resting on a bed of columbian cocaine, this legendary delight has sauces and textures that will make your dreams turn to 3D

    just make sure not to eat the cocaine, it’s decoration, and super expensive, and terribly addicting

    and they kill you if you even look at it too long

    crazy fish

    next was this mackerel who talks to you as you eat it.

    try the tail first, he says

    now the sushi part, be generous with the sauce

    it was creepy and annoying but in a way it was his last meal too

    bones and all

    afterwards they deep fry the bones and you eat them like potato chips.

    good times were had by all and we decided we need to call ahead next time to make sure peters there

    because even though i did pretty good with the salmon albacore lobster rolls and blue fin hand rolls

    the talking fish with dirty jokes was not really what i was expecting.

    so if you order it, eat it first.

  7. Thursday, April 3, 2014

    mark was in town so he said lets have dinner with jeanine 


    so i was all, well we’ve gotta go eat sushi then cuz its right by her house.

    huge mistake because he was coming from los feliz, and i was coming from the miracle mile

    going that way in rush hour was a challenge but i thought about you the whole way so it wasnt bad

    and i listened to the cubs game.

    and i listened to Mr Little Jeans whose record just came out


    sometimes kanpai is good, sometimes it’s terrific, sometimes it’s really terrific.

    last night it was super great. everything melted in our mouths we couldnt get enough

    they have these coupons on Restaurant.com but the catch is you have to spend twice as much as the coupon

    so i had to order two rolls to go to hit our number and the total, tax included was $75

    so i added an extra $20 tip because peter is the best and i was out of there paying for three of us

    for under $100, it was amazing.

  8. Sunday, February 17, 2013
  9. Saturday, December 29, 2012

    drank a lot last night. at a lot too. 

    fruitspeter was showing off and busted out all these crazy fish.

    one of em was born on another planet.

    one came from another time.

    one tried to wiggle outta getting eating by telling the future.

    “bears by 9 tomorrow,” he said.

    still ate him.

    woke up with a hangover. all i had were old fashion aspirin.

    meds from another time.

    no monkey business, just magical white powder that somehow knows where the ache is.

    gotta eat like a dozen of them over a period of 10 hours, though.

    and take a nap at 5.

    and thank the Lord for all the cool things hes given me.

    like right now on Rdio im playing this 244 song Stax box set i would have never been able to afford.

    and its just the sorta mellow old timey R&B

    the kind jack white stole his new album from.

    i should get Peter a belated Christmas gift.

  10. Wednesday, December 19, 2012

    karisa is unimpressed 

    karisa being the unimpressed gymnast

    she was all, no really what have you done this year, mister?

    no book, no blook, no new crib, no new taxes, no new girlfriend, no new secret blog, no new secret life.

    i said i have a new tv.

    she was all, that isnt a new tv, its someones old tv, and tvs arent accomplishments.

    she was all, you didnt even go to canada in 2012.


    meanwhile she’s basically remodeled her home, ended the war on drugs, and gave inspiration to that dude from Red Bull to jump from the moon to earth that one time.

    (it was a pre-Festivus feat of strength challenge)

    so i promised her that i would do something cool in 2014

    and she said, and if you dont, you have to delete the busblog.

    i was all, deal!

    and then we ate delicious sashimi that was served to us on a huge block of ice which karisa couldnt stop going on about: all her favorite fish were represented: geminis, libras, scorpios, and scallops.

    at one point she began to get a tad tipsy and threatened to get up on her chair to show me something.

    a woman in a fur kimono was very interested in the semi-scene, as was our waiter who later gave us a gift that was ridiculously generous.

    i said why? he said its Christmas.

    so we all hugged and sped off in the bitter cold of night.