nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, May 26, 2012

    memorial day weekend over the last 10 years on the busblog 

    2011, sedona with the truest

    karisa and alissa
    2010, luxor

    2009, beasties throw down with the roots

    2008, exclusive interview with the new canadian blogger named sass

    laist bbq
    2007, LAist bbq

    ice cream man at coachella
    2006, fired from buzznet

    abe lincoln vs kanye
    2005, interviewed by Blogebrity

    2004, interviewed by the new york times about blogging, i find issues with it

    palm trees
    2003, weekend photo essay

    2002, got stung by a bee, said something punny

  2. Saturday, May 19, 2012

    these boring ladies were all hey come to hollywood park race track friday night 

    the ladies at the hollywood park race track

    i was all nah, id rather wash my hair

    food trucks

    they were like, theres food trucks!


    and suddenly i was in one of Charles Bukowski’s old stomping grounds, hollywood park

    (conveniently located a good half hour drive from hollywood)

    mary and izzy and kroq

    everyone was there, karisa, her mom, her boyfriend, her sister, and izzy and mary and kroq

    g love and special sauce at hollywood park

    even g love and special sauce were there to play to the drunkies after the race,

    but im jumping ahead of myself.

    how many people do you think i can get in one picture who are shorter than a typical lady?

    the answer is six, including three jockeys (one is sorta hidden)

    wanna see what my favorite picture would have been if the iphone was better at night?

    this one:

    smaller than a jockey

    anyways yes there were about 10 food trucks there, but only one was any good

    food trucks

    if Hollywood Park wants to draw a real crowd, having bands play is a good idea

    but a better idea would to be have some really good food trucks like Kogi, the Grilled Cheese Truck, Tacos Arizas

    and of course, Rival Poutine!

    on the big screen

    also have the ladies get interviewed between races and projected on the big screen behind them

    not only did the audience like it better than the races, but we all got “backstage” to g-love.

    one the nose

    meanwhile we all won every race, somehow, mysteriously.

    and now imma gonna buy a new tv with my winnings.

    happiness hemingway

    screw you, hemingway!

  3. Friday, May 11, 2012

    karisa was all this week sucks 

    lets go to vegas.

    i was all nah.

    she went why the hell not. we’re young.

    i was all because im still mourning MCA.

    she was like anthony pierce.

    then i said plus what if the xbi needs me. obamas in town.

    karisa was all you are not supposed to be talking to them.

    then there was an uncomfortable silence.

    so i said whatevs vegas is boring.

    she said i’ll pick you up at 8am.

    be ready.

  4. Friday, May 4, 2012

    today is karisa’s birthday 

    karisa you dont even wanna know.

    first time we ever hung out there was snow in the fabulous forum.

    and due to the things we did there, she nearly died in the middle of the night.

    secret agents dont die though, they rock on.

    until the break of dawn.

    karisa j allin was born in chicopee massachusetts the east coast test grounds of the xbi.

    she was flown to long beach california “coincidentally” at the same time that yours truly had sold his personal property and moved to LA from the mission district of san francisco

    on a mission from God.

    indeed i left everything that was good in my life to obey the bible, for it was written three times in the parable of the Rich Prince. “sell everything and follow me”, Jesus dared a character in the gospel.

    i made my way to mexico and later westwood where i landed the first low-paying job that would have me. six months later i’d meet todays birthday girl who at first turned down our company’s offer, but whom i persuaded via telephone that she should reconsider. the year was 1999.

    never has sales training paid off so well for not just mankind, but also for the Internet.

    karisa is not a public person. like many tauruses, much in her life is on the down low.

    except when she parades around vegas in limos carrying red plastic cups.

    even after karisa joined the start up i didnt think we’d be friends. other than love of the beastie boys, did we really have anything in common? she liked the american league, i thought the DH was an abomination. she read a book a week, i read a book a year. she enjoyed drinking baja fresh salsa, i participated in fantasy sports.

    but one day a stray bullet ricochetted off a steel girder through karisas femur and into my collarbone and neither of us winced.

    she said, youre bleeding. i said you worse. within minutes we realized we lacked the ability to feel pain, a special new xbi trait that we’d never seen fully realized in anyone else.

    so we tried to strangle each other to truly test it out (failed)

    then we tried to get each other drunk (failed)

    then we decided to be friends forever


    happy birthday secret agent to the stars.

  5. Saturday, April 28, 2012

    nothing in here is true 

    karisa and ali

    ali came back from japan this week and she was all i think i got radiation out there

    i said no prob, i can poke my head into the xbi and grab you a remedy

    but it might get you drunk, and its best paired with delicious sushi

    with karisa and i.

    ali was like dude im so sick of sushi and to be honest i think i got poisoned off that crap in osaka

    i was all baby who do you think youre talking to. next to esp my special skill is poisons

    ive got the cure, but seriously sushi is the best thing to drink it with. sorry.

    got to the joint, plopped the magic bottle on the table and bro was all, weve gotta charge you a corkage fee

    i went what? he was like dude you cant just bring your own booze in this classy place, $10 corkage.

    i was all, this isnt any normal saki, this is an antidote for radiation

    dude looked at the bottle, looked at my dining mates, said $20.

    i was all

    karisa said stop talking tony.

    i shut up and i paid the man the money.

  6. Friday, April 13, 2012

    friday never hesitates 

    this was a crazy week.

    the xbi begged me to help them do something and i may have accepted.

    a book publisher may have asked for a blog post to put in a book

    an awards show may have told me im their keynote speaker

    a fancy company may have taken me to dinner last night

    a beautiful girl may have asked for my hand in marriage

    i may have had the most delicious fish fin sushi the other night with karisa

    i may have damaged my hands for a few weeks by blogging so much

    two books i really wanted to buy this week ended up on my desk for free

    this weekend i believe im seeing Bully with the truest

    so who needs coachella?

    i doooooooooo

  7. Monday, April 2, 2012

    haters’ll make you think the smog is so thick in LA you can chew it 

    a film they’ll tell you the girls are all stuck up
    and as phony as a movie set.
    and the rent is too damn high
    and the traffic is gridlocked erryday
    and the crips and the bloods driveby
    selling drugs to kids
    and if you dont buy the drugs
    they’ll shoot you
    but not to kill,
    just to wound,
    so you’ll actually need drugs
    and then they’ll affix
    a slight penalty charge on the invoice.
    then they’ll blacklist you at all
    the good restaurants on the westside
    (theres only one)
    forcing you to use an alias
    when placing reservations
    but when you retrive your car from the valet
    your stations’ll be changed.
    haters’ll have you believe
    that either its super hot in LA
    or the mountains are on fire with flames
    or there will be crazy mudslides
    when there arent earthquakes n riots.
    they’ll say there are so many illegal immigrants
    that all you’ll hear floating out windows
    will be the most beautiful melodies
    sung in charming foreign tongues.
    but one thing
    even haters cant believe
    is how clear the skies are
    above LA sunday
    after a particularly windy
    saturday night.
    ‘its almost too bright.’

  8. Wednesday, March 14, 2012

    karisa wants to go to vegas 

    karisa drinking game i dont wanna go to vegas.

    her sister n law zsa zsa wants to go to vegas too.

    now for SURE i dont wanna go to vegas.

    her actual sister alissa wants to go to vegas three.

    and then her other friend.

    its like those hooligans who get swept in the river during a storm.

    they dont really wanna end up in the river,

    its just nature

    and momentum.

    and karma.

    and maybe satan’s evil paw.

    fool ends up in the river flailing around.

    which means i will soon be in sin city like last time.

    last time i went to vegas twice in two months.

    i didnt care.

    in fact i wanted to jump in the river. and did,

    and the river spit me back out.

    after it was over karisa was all what the hell?

    when i fully came to i explained:

    its a drinking game.

  9. Sunday, March 4, 2012

    karisa was all why dont you put very many pics of me up anymore 

    i was like i dont know, cuz yr ugly?

    she was all how would you know you never really look at me

    i went baby i havent looked at you for 79 years

    she just gasped and said nothing

    i was all ive seen what happens when people look at you too long

    their minds melt.

    they start saying stupid things.

    they *do* super weird things.

    we were hiking at the time and just made it to the top of the mountain

    she pulled her hair back in a ponytail, strapped her ipod to her bicep

    shot me a dirty look and ran down the path.

    some famous actor tapped me on the shoulder and said

    i couldnt help but overhear you say you dont look at her

    what do you look at then?

    her heart stars dude.

  10. Saturday, January 14, 2012

    karisa is in vegas changing the world 

    hai pad

    like errryone and their mother she has invented a tablet

    she has a secret killer app though:

    several really:

    the first is the web browser’s homepage default is the busblog, duh.

    the second app is also amazing, it shows you what healthy meal to eat and how to make it. it doesnt care what you are doing on it, at noon and at 730pm it just says yo make a chicken sandwich heres how.

    and the third app is one that just tells you sweet things at random times “damn you look fine tony.”

    soon available wherever tablets are sold