nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, December 6, 2011

    karisa took me out to dinner cuz i was feeling low 

    karisa at kanpai even though nothing in here is true even (former) xbi agents get knocked to the ground

    theyre just like Us, after all.

    the difference (in theory) is that your favorite neighborhood superhero gets up, dusts himself off, and climbs back into Chopper One to return to saving the world.

    a world that clearly did not ask to be saved.

    a never ending non stop party rock planet of love and joy and occasional mayhem.

    the sushi was good, as always, the sake was hot, the beer was cold, and our man peter even busted with some of the good stuff after he heard some of the bad news

    and we all toasted to what was and what will always be.

    what will always be?

    what will always be is the hope that love can exist in a complicated world where opposites attract and like minded souls somehow meet despite all the blockades

    some man made

    some us made.

    i got a little note in my email machine that said damn i wish you wrote more, like really wrote.

    damn i wish sometimes i did too.

    if only i had something to say.

  2. Sunday, October 30, 2011
  3. Sunday, September 4, 2011

    went on a bike beach bar crawl yesterday and experienced some planking 

    zsa planking with karisa laughing

    ten hours of boozing and eating and laughing with karisa, her bro, and zsa zsa his wife (pictured) wiped me out

    i still havent left the house and i dont think i will.

    zsa zsa and neal are two of the funniest, funnest, happiest people you’ll meet.

    how fun?

    zsa for example was hungover when the above photo was snapped.

    that is not what i look like hungover, thats for sure.

    we had just ridden bikes along the beach for a good 20 minutes

    and after the planking and bubbly drinking:

    she had to put herself in timeout for i think exactly 2 minutes.

    but then she ate a plate of food that only a real trooper would have ever attempted

    toast with a hole cut in it

    a fried egg in the hole

    a burger on top of it

    and i believe gravy spread around it all

    on top a bed of fries.

    we all downed mimosas and people watched on an outside patio

    and 10 bars later we took a cab home

    hi summer!

  4. Saturday, August 6, 2011

    karisa was all wake up sleepyhead 

    i was all call back later, i was having the most beautiful dream where

    and she was like blah blah blah all you do is dream.

    make something happen.

    i was all, but i just

    she was like and no more talking or even Thinking about the past

    move forward starting right now!

    so i hung up.


    next thing i knew i was ordering an eggs benedict at Home on hillhurst

    the gorgeous outdoor patio had just the right amount of light and shade.

    karisa said, you just want a plain eggs benedict?

    i didnt understand.

    not crab? she asked.

    and i thought there should be caddies in real life.

    sir are you sure you wanna get that life insurance?

    are you sure you want Another rum n coke with those australians?

    mojitos, as they often do, came up. karisa said there should be a 1800Dentists for drinks

    like you should either call them or theres an app and you say i want a damn good mojito in Koreatown

    Captain Jacks you say?

    for some reason today karisa was hating on her hair. i reached to touch it to see what her gripe was and she nearly broke my wrist.

    and i said if men really loved women, we’d learn how to do hair.

    and we clinked glasses.

  5. Monday, August 1, 2011

    yes thats a real mike tyson tattoo 

    ali likes palms place, karisa likes hard rock,

    but for some reason when i come to vegas i like the hooters hotel.

    its cheesy, its ghetto, and in many ways it actually does harm to their brand more than helping it.

    which is perhaps why i can relate.

    the people are nice and its cheap, and you never feel underdressed

    which is why when the guy with the mike tyson face tattoo sidled next to me

    telling me of his days as a stripper wrangler and nude male dancer

    i knew i had done the right thing by not going to luxor.

    he told me that he worked at an establishment that had dudes upstairs and ladies downstairs.

    apparently in vegas you need a business license to strip, and you get computer generated receipts each night.

    he had figured out a scam where he would “manage” a dozen or so girls, do their taxes and paper work

    obtain contraband and be their security when theyd perform acts of prostitution.

    all for the low low price of 20%.

    while he was talking the xbi txted me “use the suite at caesars. our condolences.”

    Continue reading “yes thats a real mike tyson tattoo”

  6. Sunday, July 24, 2011

    karisa was all you gotta check out crystal antlers new one 

    and she knows her crazyass rock. i was all is that the one with the raymond pettibone cover

    two way mirrorshe was all yup.

    i was all arent they the punk band with the organ player.

    she was like uh huh.

    it always fascinated me that its taken so long for people to realize that

    as zeppelin matured john paul jones put down the bass

    and got behind the organ, playing the bass with the pedals.

    and filling in all the other colors with the keyboard.

    the eleven songs come in at just over a half hour

    she said. i said i got a half hour.

    Pitchfork on “Two-Way Mirror“:

    “Sure, they might not have the classicist songwriting chops of the Fresh & Onlys or Sonny and the Sunsets, but none of those bands rock this hard either. That stuff is for summer BBQs and backyard parties; Two-Way Mirror is what to spin at the point when you stop caring about noise complaints.”

  7. Monday, June 6, 2011

    it was pretty beautiful hiking yesterday 

    just hot enough to wipe the sweat from ones brow twice in an hour

    karisa led the way at a steady pace

    we talked about world news and the latest releases in the book world.

    debated whether kim kardashian should take her husbands name like she plans

    no smog

    or should she keep her more famous nomiker.

    we saw a lot of people with those weirdo shoes that look like feet and toes

    ive gotta get a pair of those things

    it was so clear and beautiful and warm and perfect

    that i had to take a little bit of video to show you how amazing it was.

    hope you like.

  8. Wednesday, May 4, 2011

    today is Karisa’s 25th birthday 

    karisa and she doesnt look a day over 48.

    i met karisa in the frozen food aisle of the Jon’s on La Brea and i thought to myself “that girl seems to be singing along to Poison’s ‘Something To Believe In’ playing over the quietspeaker, and she seems to be making a delicious meal for one, and she happens to be mildly attractive, and she appears to have a magic coming from her everything that i should investigate further.”

    and then three fashion models pushed their carts into me, but i didnt notice.

    and then three pirates swung by on ropes with knives in their mouths, nabbing the models and taking them home

    and then three wise men asked me which row the frankenscense was in and i said aisle 666 bitch and said hey poison fan and she said hey cub fan

    i was wearing my cubs hat

    and we chatted and i asked for her phone number and she said i dont give my phone number out at grocery stores and i said good i wouldnta respected you if you did, how about parking lots?

    she made shrimp scampi with a white sauce that made me remember my training back at the xbi up in isla vista. i wanted to tell her that i had never had such a scampi like that in nearly a decade but i couldnt because xbi stuff you really shouldnt divulge with strangers especially if theyre about to pop open a second bottle of white zin.

    but i did

    because i trusted her.

    something about her made me

    perhaps it was the red sox hat on the teddy bear

    maybe it was the skateboard on the pile of completly read newspapers

    maybe it was the leopard skin brastrap peeking through her handmade tshirt that said masshole 4 lyfe

    jay z was singing h to the izzo and i said its the cilantro. hows a girl from western mass know to put cilantro on the scampi

    and she said

    because tony pierce

    i hadnt told her my last name yet

    i know about eight things more than you do

    and that night i learned how she knew my last name

    and i found out how she knew how to make xbi scampi

    and i found out how many bottles of wine on the wall it took her to puke

    and even though we;ve known each other, what, fifty years now or some ish, she still knows a few more things than i do

    which is one reason i love her.

    of many.

    karisa and i have committed and solved many crimes. ive seen her make grown men crawl ontop of roofs and howl at the moon. ive seen her drive a four wheeler in a chinese dress with a marlboro  hanging out of her mouth, but you know one sight ive never seen? ive never seen her beat me at ms pac man.

    the reason the patriots are any good is cuz new england wants their favorite daughter back home

    the reason the red sox finally won it all is cuz they didnt want her to forget about them.

    the reason osama got killed was he was caught trying to get karisa to sext him on an iphone.

    so baby today is your big day. we’ve bowled together, we’ve rocked out together, we’ve snowboarded together, we’ve driven to mexico and frisco, we’ve hangglided off the hollywood sign when noone was looking. and lets not even discuss vegas.

    we helped crash the internet that one day.

    and now youre a wesssssider out there on the beach we dont see each other that much, which is why youve gotta quit your job so we can have long lunches at the standard with stoya like in olden times.

    i will never forget the first time we really hung out at the great western forum at the slim shady show with mix master mike and those insane snowboarders who rocked the halfpipe inside the forum.

    it was a sign that nothing with you would be even slightly normal, or dull.

    very hard to believe its been 10 years!

    happy birthday superstar,


    the death of pj + we once saw u2 + when she lived in the hollywood dell

  9. Tuesday, May 3, 2011

    in some parts of the world its already karisas birthday 

    and little kids are celebrating in lots of weird foreign ways

    the way i celebrate is by going to Cubs games without her.

    like today im gonna be at the Cubs / Dodgers game with the truest and my pal Todd.

    i wonder if i can find a picture of one of the many Cubs Dodgers games ive experienced with tomorrows birthday girl.

    oh look theres one. this is when we went to a game like 9 years ago.

    Nine years???

    my how time passes so quickly.

    nine years, thats longer than – wow.

    anyways tomorrow i thought i was gonna eat with the girl from western mass but it looks like the celebration isnt gonna happen till Friday night

    i guess thats good since a hangover awaits, im sure.

    will it be a good birthday? probs. but not as good as a bash that she threw for me in 2008.

    now do you see why i <3 her?

  10. Thursday, April 28, 2011