imma teach pets how to do selfies

good mood today

could be a great mood in one month. maybe less than one month.

the other day i picked up a modem/router at best buy and installed it.

am i a genius?


then i got one of my lights to obey my vocal commands and tomorrow i’ll figure out the others.

amber texted me very upset the other day

called me all these names

all while asking a favor of me.

it was not easy for her to be my girlfriend during the lockdown

it was incredibly emotional for both of us. and draining. and just sad.

i only want the best for her. i pray every day for her.

and im sorry i didnt have my shit together and a bigger place for us.

we were squished in a little place during the plague

poor. scared. no freedom.

there will be movies about this time period and they will be sad.

two years later, they’re still alive somehow

kittensevery morning i open the front door in my robe and retrieve the newspaper.

yes i am an old man still living in the 1950s.

two years ago i opened the door and two adorable kittens were on my stoop.

we had had many stray cats in our courtyard for at least a year and i assumed that the kittens were the offspring of two of them.

as you may know i live in hollywood in between two very busy streets. plus, a few weeks before i saw the kittens, we heard some very scary animal noises which sounded like a beast eating one of the strays.

so i took the kittens in. watched in amazement as they took to the kitty litter. and then enjoyed two little twin fuzz balls explore my spacious mansion.

for some reason i thought someone would take them off my hands.

but no one ever did.

are they a little loud in the early mornings?

who isnt?

do they ruin my toilet paper roll too often?

not any more *cracks knuckles*

do i love them?

of course.

happy second birthday Prince and Michael!

cat lady checking in

the kittens

its been a little over a year since these kittens showed up on my doorstep like some modern day moses story and im a tad surprised that we havent had any drama

the biggest issue ive had with them revolves around trimming their nails.

the boy cat is pretty agreeable under his own terms (he must be sleepy) but the girl cat is always suspicious of Everything and constantly on guard and is a tougher customer.

my coworker suggested i get them some Calming treats which it turns out is like kitty ecstasy

with jeanine around they have turned on me and she doesnt want to be the bad cop so yesterday i tried the calming treats and within about an hour they had slowed their roll a little

after two hours they were downright lazy and groggy. i put them on the book case, i put them in the hamper, i put them in ridiculous poses and they played along.

then i cut their nails. it was a dream.

last night they both slept all night with no monkey business and even this morning they are lovable and sleepy and easy to deal with.

do i want to drug my animals often? no. but it is nice to know i have this tool in the cupboard for when they get a little to big in their britches.

today is Prince and Michael’s birthdays, they’re one

kittensthere were all these stray cats in our courtyard for a good year due to the cat lady next door who was evicted for having all of these cats in her home and hallway.

instead of taking them with her she just bailed and came back now and then to feed them.

the cats eventually wandered to our tropical courtyard and me and the neighbors feed them because they were cute and they pooped across the street in the unused grass of the big church.

i liked two cats the most, a black and white one that i named Blanket and a brown and white one i named Boldy but changed it to Wrigley. Wrigley would follow me from my car to my door and i would occasionally let him in but i respected his freedom and when he wanted to leave, i let him leave. same with Blanket.

one day Blanket seemed scratched up like he’d been in a fight. the next day he didnt come around. but the day after that he came back and he seemed even more scratched up. a week later in the middle of the night we neighbors heard such a blood curdling cry that we assumed a bald eagle had swooped down and torn one of the cats asunder.

the next day we agreed to stop feeding them because we were putting them in danger.

a few months later i stopped seeing Blanket. i figured he died.

until two little kittens appeared on my doorstep looking a lot like him.

i named them Prince and Michael.

i’d never held kittens. and these two were adorable and so sweet. i asked my neighbor what i should do and she said no way can we let them stay outside because what if that bald eagle comes back. i was all yeah. so i got some kitty litter and a box and plopped them on it and boom they peed. it was a modern miracle.

i got them some food and they ate it and feel asleep on my lap.

that was a year ago. they’ve never run out of the house. they seem very content inside running around, killing spiders and any creepy crawlers. they even killed a rodent once and that was when i loved them the most.

they are super co-dependent on each other and a joy to have around.

i dont even mind the cat hair that ends up on my clothes.

it’s their way of saying, thanks for all the fish.

the kittens have free reign of my home, except for my bedroom

ariana grande

at first i did that because they had fleas, but now that they are flea-free i keep them out just in case.

it’s bad enough for the women in my life that im in the bed, they sure as hell dont deserve fleas.

anyways last night in the middle of the night i heard the door open and then the kittens jumped into my bed.

please dont turn us into eunuchs they begged and cuddled up with me.

i picked them up in the dark and tossed them into the hallway. then took a leak and wondered how they figured out my deadbolt.

as i tried to get back to sleep i heard them scratching under the crack in the door

and then trying to bulldoze the door open.

but i sleep like a rock so soon i was back to the black movie screen called tonys dreamland.

when i woke up at 6:30am i showered got dressed and put them into their travel crate: which was more difficult than normal because i swear these animals KNEW what was going to happen.

i took one of the plastic newspaper bags that wrapped the morning paper and i swung it above them

they love jumping for plastic bags. and i tossed it into the crate and one followed it in there and the second one was easier to trap.

and we drove to echo park. led zep was playing in the vet’s joint, which made me feel better.

and after paying $269 for Michael and $169 for Prince,

they will no longer be able to procreate.

i dont care if they hate me. i can take it.

this is prince, he’s gonna get his balls cut off tomorrow


ive never been responsible for doing that to a living creature before

so i’m giving him a little special attention tonight.

sad thing is i had to take food away from he and his sister michael and theyre both sniffing around

seeing if somewhere theres some damn food.

shes getting her tubes tied tomorrow.

population control is super important, but when it comes down to it you’re still changing someones life.

prince is my favorite. he sits outside of my door.

any time i come home he runs toward me.

he’ll sleep on my arm as i watch tv on the couch.

trusts my every move.

his sister is an actual cat.

shes gonna hate me even more when she figures out what happened.

had to take Prince and Michael to the vet today

prince and michaelamber took care of the details i just dropped everyone off and left my credit card behind.

im gonna have to stop doing that because Uber doesnt pay well any more.

anyway here are some things i think my money paid for

– shots
– vaccines
– immunizations
– backrubs
– tummytucks
– flea baths
– weiner snippings
– tubes tied
– ties dyed
– find my iphone dohickeys
– baptisms
– fortunes told
– brainwashings
– deprogrammings
– circus tricks
– nails clipped
– ears scratched
– general trauma
– overall checkup
– age detected
– fingerprinting

but i have a feeling none of that happened, we’ll see.

prince likes to join me as i read the paper each morning on the throne


he and his sister like to hear the newspaper rustling. they love sounds.

last night i took them outside to the car to get pet by the girls and one of them got ancy on the way in and jumped outta my arms

and ran under a car

the other one i tossed into the courtyard in hopes it would run into the house – and it did.

meanwhile i ran after the escapee.

i saw him there huddling under the car, scared, free but freaked.

i said look ive gotta go drink with the ladies so youve got two options, you can stay out here

in the night

surrounded by big cats and wild animals and hollywood.

or you can come back to me where you get fed and loved and watered and you get to run through my weird apartment.

he jumped into my arms and never looked back.

this morning we read the paper and he said, sorry man, i have no idea what overcame me.

the ghost of charles bukowski whispers from the palm trees


he says why be lesser than

why do it the cheater way

why not get in here on the other side and be honest for the first time

why not work a little at it: sharpen yr hatchet.

charles bukowskis ghost aint got time for your fiddle faddle.

hes got a new old racetrack to haunt.

the kittens have so much fun with the plastic orange bag that the newspaper comes wrapped in.

theyre so light and they slide on the hard wood.

they chase things that arent even there.

the one will be sitting doing nothing and move its tail in the slightest

and the other one will spring over to it and take a good swipe.

everything must be touched or sniffed or batted at or climbed on or rubbed against.

they both talk to me and get jealous im writing you.

one seriously just walked on my leg, made its way up and is now wresting on my arm

purring, reading this little post

about a ghost

the other is scratching us both

and trying to get that tail.