busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, February 20, 2012

    to celebrate that today is Kurt Cobain’s 45th birthday, heres the first chapter of Stiff 

    “i knew i was in trouble when i saw kurt cobain at my front door”

    hey buddy.

    uh, hi, kurt.

    i dont really know how to say this to you, so i’ll just come right out and say it. youre dead.

    pardon me?

    ok, let me put it this way, knock knock.

    heh. who’s there?

    not you, because you’re dead.

    can i ask you a question?

    sure.

    good, am i on acid?

    no, youre dead.

    how did i die?

    i can tell you, but then i’d have to bring you back to life. ahahahahaha. sorry, little joke we tell.

    what’s this hole in my chest?

    thats where you were stabbed with a knife.

    who the hell would stab me?

    lots of people. there are those who are jealous of your hits. there are all the dads of the babes you kiss. there are the sisters of the babes you kiss. there are the politicians who fear that you might go to law school and then run for office. theres bud selig, dick cheney, bob costas, joe buck. sox fans. or any of the hundreds of criminals you sent to jail.

    you know whats funny, kurt, youd think id be sad, but im not sad.

    good.

    but i will miss all my friends.

    they’ll probably miss you too.

    and i love the people of Earth.

    theres people of Earth where you’re going.

    yeah, but i liked life.

    you did? you were always bitching about it. you were never satisfied with any of the girls you got. you were never pleased with where you lived or what you did for a living, or what you looked like, or what you wrote, or who you were. dont bullshit me, bro.

    hmmm. i did like rene.

    mayortoo little, too late, cubfan.

    and i liked living on del playa.

    youre going to a better place.

    i am?

    maybe.

    what!

    hopefully.

    fuck.

    hey i got in and i broke some major rules.

    thats right, you killed yourself.

    major faux pas, let me tell you.

    how did you get in after something like that?

    G-o-G.

    whats that?

    Grace of God. thats how everyone gets in.

    what if you were super good?

    doesnt matter, without the GoG you dont get in.

    so, like, mother theresa?

    God isnt crazy about the Catholics. little known fact. especially the ones who know better. they disobeyed the very last line in the Bible, “dont add anything to this text or else you will get all the curses written herein on your ass.”

    thats not exactly what it says.

    whatever.

    damn, kurt, even in your afterlife you’re controversial.

    ready to hit the road, pallie?

    wow. im really dead?

    dead as grunge.

    and i have to leave this apartment behind?

    you can haunt it if you want, but scaring people becomes dull. it’s pretty easy.

    but its sorta messy, i’d hate to leave a mess.

    trust me, dude, people are going to make a fortune eBaying your stuff. youve got some great shit here.

    yeah somewhere in here i have a ticket stub from your last show in LA.

    not anymore,

    kurt cobain said and flashed me the stub and tucked it into the breast pocket of his raggedy flannel.

  2. Friday, December 31, 2004

    highlights from april ’04 

    hi on the busblog

    4/1 me and moxie get married

    4/3 dodgers angels game

    4/5 anniversary of kurdt kobains death

    4/6 i took four dumps today.

    4/7 layne tries to convince me that courtney killed kurt

    4/7 review of the debut album by william hung, inspiration

    4/9 before she even knew me she typed to me from her bathtub

    4/10 today we found out that the cia had warned bush about osama a month before 9/11. nobody would end up caring cuz everyone knows bush is a dumbshit.

    4/11 people ask me all the time why i am a Christian. actually they dont. i wish they would. but they dont.

    4/12 the president writes me emails, and teens invade my couch

    4/13 your opinion

    4/14 third best picture of the year

    4/15 liana took me to the premiere of kill bill 2

    4/16 review of kill bill 2

    4/17 i blog the entire cubs vs reds game

    4/18 one day there will be a vice president who will hold a five foot bong in his hands so as to appease the pot smoking voters of america. some people say the pot smoker vote isnt an important one but they couldnt be more wrong. the pot smokers are the first to give someone a chance.

    4/19 doc searls accuses me of being an a-list blogger

    4/20 happy four twenty day

    4/20 my old girlfriends only get hotter with age

    4/21 call me grumbly mcgrumbly today. got chewed out for killing a perp this morning. i was all, this is what we do. they were all this isnt what you do.

    4/21 tomdog turns a million

    4/22 gay lovers climb tree, then have sex

    4/26 weekend date with a swedish girl: i ate a lot of cheese this weekend.

    4/27 i hate tuesdays. i hate wednesdays. i hate mondays. im screwed.

    4/28 friends is dead. thank God.

    4/29 mc brown takes a good pic of one of my id badges

    4/30 i got to teach a class at my old college while my favorite teacher watched

    daze reader + fimoculous + riley dog + jaylex