nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, June 1, 2016

    today is my niece Kyla’s birthday, she’s 14 


    kyla is a gemini.

    often shes a sweet angel. but i hear reports that she’s not always that way.

    but who can blame her, really, her favorite uncle is far away and she’s in a cold city

    and a giant house, with every toy, animal, human, and christmas tree a teenage girl could ever want.

    when i was her age i had a tv with three channels and an etch-a-sketch.

    we had a rotary phone and an AM radio.

    this chick’s got a PS4 AND an XBox One.

    she didnt like her brother so they adopted a baby sister for her.

    imagine that YOUR OWN BABY!

    the pool in the backyard is jacked up to 92 degrees. there are flat screen tvs in every room.

    and whenever she wants she can just “log on” to her computer (or phone or tablet or robot screen) and she can read the worlds greatest busblog.

    when i was her age i was drawing detailed maps on three ring binder paper so i could stand on a chair and drop a freshly sharpened pencil down upon my little world and see who the “bomb” destroyed.

    kyla has snapchat and instagram and minecraft and


    i hope she knows how lucky she has it.

    and how lucky we are to have her.

    happy birthday kyla jo!

  2. Tuesday, June 2, 2015

    today is kyla’s birthday, shes 13 

    mom and kyla

    today my little girl turns into a man. im so proud.

    kyla is a sweet blessing to all of us. she is smart, funny, beautiful, and the reason we shouldnt give up on America.

    she quietly does her homework, she cooks, she teaches her brother and sisters how it’s done.

    she even gives my mom fun birthday gifts (pictured).

    will kyla be the first mixed race female president of the united states?

    probs. but that won’t be her biggest accomplishment.

    the skys the limit for this one.

    happy birthday adorable spirit.

    may your teenage angst pays off well.

  3. Saturday, September 20, 2014

    for my moms birthday we took her to a burger place at the mall 


    i was all ma, why here? she said, it was Kylas choice. i was all wha? she said, dont ask.

    anyways kyla has braces now and her gift to my mom was her favorite Glade Plug-ins.

    we ate three different versions of french fries and then assorted burgers and booze. it was nice.


    nephew tyler was in great spirits because he had an assist during his soccer game

    and also because i wasnt telling him how they made the chicken tenders he was eating

    he also drank milk and played under the table and generally enjoyed himself like a kid


    Babe was probably the happiest. she ate her food, a little of tylers

    then when no one was looking she got out of her chair and grabbed some food off the table behind us.

    THAT was probably the funniest thing i’d ever seen.

    the dude was all, oh dont worry we’ve got kids too, it happens.


    afterwards i went to my favorite store in the world and bought a Cubs hat


    because if this rain stops, tomorrow we’re going to Wrigley Field,

    finest ball park on earth.

    and i hear they’ve been waiting for me.

  4. Friday, May 31, 2013

    today is my niece Kyla’s birthday: shes 11! 


    shes awesome.

    somehow she has a cell phone. so i texted her this picture and i said

    every day i see you because youre meditating in my kitchen above my Lakers playoff game ticket

    to the Chairman’s Room club.

    that means you’re very special to me.

    which she is.

    definitely my favorite niece living in Illinois.

    Happy birthday Kyla!!!

  5. Saturday, May 25, 2013
  6. Wednesday, May 22, 2013

    my mom always liked Liana, and today Liana is a mom 


    everyones favorite Cubana, Liana is now the proud mamacita of an adorable little bundle of joy


    Havana Sofia was actually born on May 9th

    but because Liana didn’t post these pics on Facebook till today it didn’t count til now

    not that it was ever in question but a few years back when my little niece was littler

    we took this pic and we were all wow she will make a beautiful mom

    and she does! Congrats Liana

  7. Wednesday, December 26, 2012

    when did the Elf on the shelf or whatever become a Thing? 

    kyla and her elf

    i dont mind Christmas traditions


    ——–> JESUS CHRIST <——

    leading up to and on his birthday.

    but if theres one thing i hate it’s “traditions” that aren’t traditional

    phony, consumer orientated, and/or just another lie to ruin the trust of our children.

    and by “our” of course i mean “your”.

    when i was a lad the lie was that big fat Santa slid down everyones chimneys and delivered toys

    to all the good little boys and girls


    somehow Rudolph, Frosty, and even Mrs. Claus worked their way into the grand sham

    despite the fact that the original story of Jesus was pretty magical and fascinating enough.

    540410_4869051371382_247139618_nBut apparently virgin births of babies who have to high tail it outta town cuz the ruling king was gonna slaughter it wasn’t good enough for the modern world but i digress.

    somewhere in the last 7-8 years this little Elf has made its way into the massive lie.

    from what i gather you buy a cute little elf and put him into random places around your house

    i dont know, to trick your kids into being good because somehow the elf watches to see that youre little angels arent snorting bath salts and trading arms for hostages.

    each night the elf flies to the North Pole and rats out all the bad little kids and appears the next day in a new weird spot in your crib.

    you name him. and tuck him away after Christmas. but has this fake crap backfired?


    one of my niece’s friends said, “I don’t believe in Santa anymore because I saw Merle, our Elf, this summer in a box in our closet.”

    which made me laugh so hard i nearly choked on my Irish coffee.

    so when did all of this become a thing? Fox News tells me: 2004. Figures.

    Bottom photo by Susan, Robinwood Photography

  8. Tuesday, June 19, 2012

    my niece is awesome 


    my nephew is a left handed slugging shortstop


    my mom is trying to get me to go to my sisters house which is gonna be packed tonight

    with neighborhood kids and their parents and dogs and babies crying and mayhem

    and heat and loudness and no one my age.

    kyla snapping the dog

    i was all, not one bit interested in going ma.

    she was like, the kids love you.

    i was all, they should. im ridiculously fun. and i let them sip from my flask.


    she said see, you should go play with them. they love their uncle.

    i was all, nah. if i wanted to play with kids i wouldnt have tied my tubes.

    she was like dont you want them to love you?

    i said, love is fleeting.

    she said, im going to have to reconsider my will.


    i was all, give it to the kids.

    college is gonna cost $200k soon.

    soon drugs will be legal. they’ll have no way to pay.

    give them your fortune.

    the phone rang. my mom said, tony’s coming so make sure theres old style.

    and now you know where i learned the assumptive close.

  9. Saturday, June 2, 2012

    today is my nieces birthday, shes 9 

    im awesome or 10, or 8, who knows

    do kids even have ages any more?

    arent they on the metric system yet?

    anyways, Kyla is my favorite niece. shes keeps it real. i like that.

    she says that her brother is my favorite of the pair.

    it’s good to keep kids guessing.

    i talked with her on the phone yesterday as i was getting my oil changed.

    at first kyla seemed a little grumpy that she was a year older

    but then when we talked about the presents she received at her party

    she pepped right up.

    she was happy to have a new digital camera

    and a colorful bag.

    “a purse or a backpack?” i asked.

    “like um like a messenger bag,” she said, “which is good because i lose stuff a lot.”
    she then said,

    “oh and I got a shirt that says ‘I’m Awesome’. BECAUSE I AM!”

    and then super fast she said, “heres Jo.”

    she doesn’t call my mom grandma
    she calls her her name.

    etienne used to say kyla was our daughter.

    cuz she sorta exactly looks like what our kid would look like.
    and act like.

    hard to disagree with weird truths.

    “love you!” she screamed in the background
    when she realized she forgot to say it.

  10. Thursday, December 22, 2011

    took the family to disneyland 

    welcome to disneyland

    year after year i have gone home to Chicago to see my fam over the holidays.

    and every year i complain to them “why are we here in the cold when its warm and sunny in LA”?

    often the excuse was “the kids are too young to travel”.

    but now theyre big enough and so this year they trekked out west and i was all, awesome lets do fun things

    tyler spinning the tea cup

    and for kids, even in this modern world, fun means Disneyland. fine.

    mickey pretzels

    spoiler alert: disneyland is one expensive mofo. a family of five cant even get int that park for under $500

    even if two of the kids are under 9 and one of the adults is a senior citizen.

    parking is $15, strollers are $15 each, and pretzels shaped as Mickey are $7.50.

    real life toy story 3

    because of that, many of the Toy Story toys literally jump out at you in order to get yr attention

    in hopes that you take them home.

    parade family

    but you know what, if you save, embezzle, or work hard, you can get your kids in the park

    and they will have so much fun that they will fall asleep while waiting for the parade to happen.

    kyla balloon

    and they will cover their ears while driving home next to the balloon.

    when you ask them why, they may say “because balloons pop and i dont wanna go deaf.”

    and sure enough, 20 minutes later the balloon pops and erryone gets mad.

    except for uncle tony who laughs at his brilliant niece who really does know it all.