nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, December 10, 2015

    palm reader said i have commitment issues 

    jimii asked her how long would this session be.

    the great thing about blogging is you can change the subject whenever you want.

    same with snapchat

    same with insta

    same with last night i was invited to the LAist Christmas party.

    it was very nice of them to reach out to such an old man as me.

    and it was super close to my house.

    as i walked there i thought about what advice i would have for them and at the top of the list was have fun.

    i like what theyre doing but i dont see the fun as much as i used to. people should have fun. especially young ppl.

    when i got there i realized i didnt know what anyone looked like and for some reason i thought someone would recognize me – or my Cubs hat, but alas, no. no such thing. just lots of young people everywhere drinking, dressing well, being reasonable.

    jimiso i left, somewhat relieved, because i dont wanna tell people how to live their lives. as the Clash said in Career Opportunities “do you really wanna be a cop?”

    but then i passed a bank that used to be a liquor store and i got super pissed off because it dawned on me that the bank probably owned the land and was the landlord of the liquor store and the bank probably raised the rent super high so as to kick the liquor store out and then the bank put up a bank in the spot.

    so i turned around to tell the good people of LAist, this is what you should be investigating and writing about. weird ills in your hood. weird 1% nonsense like how many banks have popped up in LA over the last few years. why now? we need banks less than ever. meanwhile when was the last time you saw a liquor store in Los Feliz hurting?

    i wanted to tell them that shits fucked in LA and the LA Times cant cover it all because shits fucked over there too and they just dont have the bodies. you dont have the bodies either but you have your body. you walk down the street and notice things. you have friends who see shit. talk. then research. then write it down. these skills will help you in the future. trust me. i was no straight a student. no one handed me shit.

    plus i have the attention span of a

    heres three movies i wanna see soon:


    The Big Short

    The Martian

  2. Sunday, November 22, 2015

    ten years ago today tsar opened up for juliette lewis and the licks 

    juliete and the licks

    i was working for buzznet at the time and we had many missions but one of them was we wanted to inspire kids to take interesting pictures from concerts that they attended and post them on buzznet instead of myspace.

    so one of the things that i did as community manager was lead by example.

    at the office we had a canon rebel or it was mine or i bought one or they bought one for me. who knows. i used it that night.

    i ran around the troub trying to find the right spot, but it was hard, it was really dark

    juliete and the licks

    i was nervous because at the office there was a lot of strife. more specifically, i caused a lot of strife because i never kept my mouth shut. for some reason i thought it was ok for me to speak my mind. i was wrong. thus the strife. whatever, i thought im gonna just prove my points, single handed, all the time and then people will start believing that i know what im talking about.

    juliete and the licksjuliete and the licks

    but i was wrong again. nothing i did convinced anyone.

    juliete and the licks

    weirdly, i had experienced something like this before in my life, when i was younger.

    i learned that this was going to be a no-win situation.

    when i realized it, i started getting super sick. like puking all the time.

    symbolism for all the things i was stifling all of a sudden.

    juliete and the licks

    but at the tsar / juliette lewis show i felt fantastic. i knew that no matter how good my pics were someone was gonna say something dumb.

    juliete and the licks

    but i knew that in ten years id look at them and id say, damn, those are the best canon rebel pics of a tsar show ever.

    juliete and the licks

    after i got fired i got a job at LAist and everyone lived happily ever after.

  3. Tuesday, June 9, 2015

    nine years ago today i took over LAist 

    the pants tony pierce and big tanky

    we had a big introductory meeting at the good luck bar on hillhurst.

    i had no idea what i was gonna do with that blog,

    but i knew i didnt wanna screw it up for the next person.

    i was able to succeed because my bosses jake and jen gave me free reign.

    i think they talked to me like 5 times total about what their general ideas were

    but for the majority of it all they were like, dude this is your puppy, just dont get us sued.

    we broke all sorts of records, had lots of fun, and several people who trusted me and volunteered

    ended up with paying writing and photography gigs all over.

    again: when i started i had no idea what i was gonna do with that blog

    i even went to vegas first to sort out my mind, but that was useless.

    the only thing that works for me is to get in the middle of it all

    surround myself with exciting, creative, good hearted people

    and work together into trying to make something cool one day at a time.

    did i care if they had experience? no. because life is experience.

    did i care that they were good writers? no. because life makes you good at everything.

    did i care that some of them misunderstood me at first?

    yes, but i shouldnt have. LA is huge, and also

    even the moon, far away as it is, has fans down here on earth.

    just shine.

  4. Wednesday, May 7, 2014

    I haven’t written for LAist in forever 

    But the very sweet Rachel Reynolds invited me to Bruce Springsteen’s producer’s studio (mr bob clearmountain) on Cinco de Mayo

    To see and hear the Mexican guitar slingers Rodrigo y Gabriela

    And I knew I was gonna tell the world about such a perfect night

    So I asked LAist’s editor Emily if she was interested and she said Si

    But of course I got an uber over there bc I knew is be drinking. Your BFF canceled on me at the lastest minute possible which made me very sad.

    Weirdly when I texted the lovely Daria she said oh hell yes so we sped over there, rocked out, drank, and them drank more and ate tacos at Taco Zone

    Then got caught jaywalking and I told the cops that if they only gave me a ticket I would remove the curse I could see hanging over them.

    They said what curse.

    I said you know the one.

    And now I’ve gotta pay like $200 in a month. Which is better than both of us paying.

    So we got in an uber and went home and drank and drank.

    The next day boy was I tired but I wrote the whole review on my bAck on this iPhone and this morning they published it.

    Because it’s life, some sad things happened because not every thing is perfecto and some people are loco. Here’s what you’ve gotta do: burn bridges.

    And then shake the ashes off at the town’s gates.

    Not everyone’s going to respect you. That’s their loss, not yours. Yours is the kingdom of Heaven.

    This morning Daria invited me to the Vegan Beer Fest and I said hell yeah.

  5. Monday, June 25, 2012
  6. Friday, June 8, 2012

    6 years ago this week on 6/6/06 


    i became editor of LAist.
    the little blog that could.
    the cool kids were reading us when i started, but not many more.
    but nowadays everyones at least heard of it
    so the other day when this guy –
    a gentleman who definately tells it like it is –
    said, “LAist is the only LA blog in my Reader”
    its pretty much the best compliment i could receive.
    because sure you can do something good alone,
    and sure you can do something good with paid pros,
    but to do it with a beautiful group of people
    none of whom are being paid
    and together you watch it blossom rapidly into something thats a staple
    for tens of thousands of people a day.
    and to be able to do it in your pajamas?
    and it cowers
    to no one?
    thats something worth celebrating.
    i should have a bbq soon.
    like in olden times.

  7. Saturday, March 19, 2011

    Joey Maloney at SXSW and in the paper 

    Joey Maloney has been one of my favorite photographers of rock since even before he joined LAist.

    i’d see his beautiful LA rock scene pix on Flickr back in the day and i was all i wonder if hed shoot pics for us for free

    yeah right.

    but then one day i got the courage to ask and he was crazy enough to say yes and it was a match made in heaven

    so imagine my surprise when this morning i see his work at my favorite rock festival

    on the pages of my local paper.

    at sxsw

    this is something i sure could get used to!

    Great job Joey!!


  8. Sunday, January 9, 2011

    we should always count our blessings 

    and ive been blessed with gainful employment lo these many years,
    something i do not take for granted.
    heres my desks over the years

    philips magnavox (home office), san francisco

    people support

    E! desk 1

    E! desk 2

    final E! desk



    first desk at the times

    current desk

  9. Monday, December 31, 2007

    My 50 Favorite LAist Headlines of 2007 

    christie at thai in toronto

    yes i cant wait to get back to LA to start my second week at my spanking brand new job. but what a lot of people forget is, i left a pretty awesome job, that i truly loved. one thing i loved the most was writing wacky headlines. here are my faves of ’07 – in no particular order – other than theyre mostly chronological starting with the most recent.

    Exclusive Interview with The Most Deceptive Sign in LA
    Scoble Wants to Punch the Designer of the Kindle
    UCSB Students Dressed as Clowns Pun’k The CIA
    Mr. Whipple Now Squeezing Charmin with the Angels
    The State of Outdoor Ads in Hollywood Today, aka OMG
    TMZ Takes Blogging to a New Low, Sponsored by AT&T
    Dog the Bounty Hunter Pretty Much Hates “Niggers”
    Lamar Odom Crashes the Boards Benz
    Comcast Hates The Bible & Filesharing & They Lie?
    Did J.K. Rowling Try To Show Her Hogwarts to Kids Yesterday at the Kodak Theatre?
    Ficus? Ficyou! Emergency Meeting to Save Doomed Santa Monica Trees Set For Tonight
    Sorry Craigslisters “Who Don’t Belong in Orange County”, Your Irvine Brothel Got Busted
    Guy Hiking with a Guy with a Sword ends up in Hospital
    Der Scorpions Vill Rock Der Gibson Tonight
    Palm Springs Satanists or just Bored Kids?
    Both Lanes of 101 Closed, Now Opened, But Screwed
    Right Now Van Halen is Getting Even Weirder
    Dead Body On the 605 Closes Freeway
    One Reason Not to Jump Off a Bridge This Weekend
    Stoners Volunteer to Save California by Being Taxed
    Is Bud Selig a Racist or does he Just Hate Baseball?
    Bart Simpson Art Determined to be seen in Hollywood
    What the Funky Winkerbean?
    Fake Osama Hassled in Downtown LA, Real Osama Fine
    The Family that Robs Together gets Popped Together
    Michael Moore’s Gross Deal is Sick
    The President is Daring You to Impeach Him
    Four Delicious Words: Atwater Village Cookie Contest
    World’s Largest Pupusa Determined to be Made in LA
    Miss USA Falls, Gets Booed, and Still Beats Mexico?
    Carl’s sues Jack over Angus
    Hey, You Got Salmonella in My Peanut Butter…
    Thanks in part to her Husband, Hillary Clinton is Assured Much Coveted Reverse-Cowgirl Vote
    Santa Monicans Told to Quit Bitching About Dogs
    Hey You Got Listeria in my Oscar Mayer Louis Rich Chicken Breast Strips with Rib Meat
    Interview with a dude who looked like Johnny Knoxville at the Dodger Game
    “One day this shit isn’t going to be people running. One day people are gonna be prepared for police to come and fuck with them.”
    Size Doesn’t Matter? Tell That to the Porno Burrito
    A Mind is a Terrible thing to Smell
    Mayor Tony – There’s a Snake on Yr Plane
    Yahoo Mail Offers Unlimted Storage for your Spam
    Did Chuck Henry Totally Diss The New Mother Yesterday Who Didn’t Know She Was Pregnant Until Two Days Before The Birth And Also Has A Dead Front Tooth?
    Exta, Extra, Inventor of the Remote Dies – Turn Your TV On and Off 21 Times as a Salute
    Monrovia Mayor Told His Campaign Manager Is A Two-Bagger
    OC Cop Gets Off in Court after Masturbating on Stripper During Questionable Traffic Stop
    Attention Virgins: We Might Have Found Something of Interest For You
    Dear Minorities, Please Give Us Your Umbilical Cord Blood. Love, Kaiser
    Why Dieting is a Fucking Bitch

  10. Friday, December 14, 2007

    today is my last official day running LAist 

    very mixed feelings. mostly sad. yes im excited to go change the world, but LAist was like being able to have the keys to that 66 mustang convertible with one instruction: floor it, fucker.

    and then half way through the race learning about nitrous.

    yes soon i will be part of a team that has the keys to the space shuttle, but you never forget your first girl. LAist was the first time i was able to do something i loved professionally and i was given all the freedom to try whatever i wanted: doing donuts on ice, jumping over semis, participating in the Cannonball Run. it still blows my mind that 4 months into the gig i asked if i could drive around the country and blog and my bosses said, go for it.

    although i am pretty sure that my new boss is going to be just as open minded and trusting in me as my previous bosses, heres one thing that the Gothamist head honchos implemented recently that i love – they opened up our stats for all to see.

    this is the main page of our Site Meter, which is like showing someone your bank statement. its scary for a lot of sites to do this because many sites lie to their advertisers and competitors about their hits. part of Web 2.0 is transparency and it will be interesting to see who tries to take shots at LAist in the future when they have their inevitable dips in hits. interesting because many who might use this transparency against them wont have their stats published publicly and/or wont have other Web 2.0 features like open or unmoderated comments.

    but be careful with stats as they dont tell the whole story. for example, if you look at LAist’s monthly numbers over the last 6 months, it might look like we are on a downswing due to our monster September. truth of the matter was we would have probably hit 1 million in September but on the last day of the month we found ourselves with 2 stories on Digg’s top 20 early in the morning and they stayed there all day giving us like 350k hits in one damn day. yes we earned all of those pageviews, but it was such an improbable accomplishment that it was impossible to repeat during the months following. so in actuality, a better way to look at that trend is to say, yeah LAist has consistently averaged about 1 million pageviews for the last 6 months (even though august was below 900k and september was way above.)

    inside blogging, i know, but for the three of you out there who enjoy it, root around in our stats and have fun.

    the graph above is our stats for the last 30 days. take a good look at how our team was able to crank it up a smidge whenever we wanted, be it a few days before the end of the month, or during the last days of my regime. if LAist was a car, it was a car that responded so willingly to anything the team wanted. so awesome. so perfect. i will miss the team and that gorgeous vehicle.