nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, January 4, 2013
  2. Tuesday, October 30, 2012
  3. Saturday, July 14, 2012
  4. Tuesday, May 22, 2012

    ridiculously pretty girl answers with 

    id love to go on a date with you tony

    and i think one day this will end.

    one day the good luck will run out.

    but then i think of that guy in the great outfits

    who sits behind the basket at laker games and hob nobs with the players.

    his luck hasnt run out.

    talk about the most interesting man in the world.

    this guy stands up when the players are shooting around.

    he walks onto the court a little.

    the players slowly make their way to him.

    and he says stuff as they lean over.

    i wonder what hes talks about.

    i bet its not about

    real estate.

  5. Wednesday, May 2, 2012

    xbi thinks they can woo me with Lakers playoff tickets 

    and im all bros, my rad bff chris already flows me lakers seats. dontcha read the busblawwwg?

    theyre like, um how about 2nd row right behind the basket.

    so close you can jibber jabber with jimmy goldstein

    and i was all go ooooonnnnnnnn…

    chairmans room

    and they were all ok and how would you like some passes for you and your bro to drink

    in the uber exclusive Chairman’s Room at halftime (the gold ducats) and after the game (white)?

    so merely out of curiosity i said yes and whattya know americas dbag ashton kutcher took a pic

    of me, chris, and chris’s long lost buddy

    but if the agency really knew me (and youd think they would by now) they woulda gotten me

    a Free The Peace (ron artest) tshirt. but no.

    i guess they missed that part of merchant of venice

    where its revealed that all that glitters isnt gold.

  6. Wednesday, April 25, 2012
  7. Thursday, March 15, 2012

    see that kid on the left, hes got a great shirt 

    point four seconds

    but the kid on the right, hes got a better shirt

    because that 0:4 means something very special to Laker fans

    it was game 5, the final game, in the western conference playoffs against the San Antonio Spurs,

    the defending NBA champs.

    a team that had just won it all thanks to Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobli and Eva Longoria’s ex husband Tony Parker:

    a frenchman.

    with 28 seconds to go in the deciding game

    (the winner would go play the Detroit Pistons in the finals)

    Spurs at  the White Housekobe bryant scored a ridiculous shot putting the Lakers up with just 4 seconds to go.

    san antone gets the ball, tosses it to Duncan who makes an IMPOSSIBLE shot seemingly at the buzzer

    But No, there’s actually point-four seconds left on the clock

    not one second, 4-tenths of a second.

    basically you have to catch the ball, jump and shoot all in one motion.

    so the Lakers call time out to get it together.

    the Zen Master, phil jackson draws out a play in front of his team.

    who does he have to set something up with? well lets see

    he has a 26 year old kobe bryant, the big diesel Shaquille O’Neal, future hall of famer Karl Malone, or your off guard Derek Fisher. The Glove, Gary Payton will throw the ball in.

    of all those options, Fish would be the last choice, but with Point Four seconds to go he gets the ball

    jumps and turns

    and shoots

    and Lakers win.

    it was the last great moment in the Shaq/Kobe era that netted three rings as the Lakers would get creamed by the Pistons in the finals

    and today the lakers traded derek fisher for a younger guy.

    but dont be too sad, fish leaves with five rings

    and fans who wear his tshirt.

  8. Saturday, January 28, 2012

    for most of my life i have had no idear what i wanted to do 

    courtside at the clippers game

    but now i do.

    i want to be steve soboroff.

    who is steve soberoff? hell if i know. but he gets to sit courtside with my girl riri

    at the hottest game of the year: the clippers lakers Battle of LA.

    and he gets to take a picture with her.

    i know steve is jacob’s daddy but that gets you courtside with the Caribbean Queen?

    imma have to investigate this in more detail for as much as i like jack

    i think id rather sit next to miss umbrella ella ella


  9. Sunday, January 1, 2012

    two good people makes for a good video 

    the l.a. times’ melissa rohlin has a nice personality about her that makes it easy for athletes to want to talk with her. not every sports reporter has that.

    meanwhile the lakers’ ron artest, sorry, Meta World Peace, has such a playful childlike personality that makes it easy for fans to want to listen to him. not every athlete has that.

    yesterday they were both in the laker locker room and Peace dubbed Kobe the King of LA, the clippers’ Blake Griffin the Prince

    and when Melissa asked him what he was, Meta said, “a worthless servant”.

    its sweeter on video than it sounds in print.

  10. Friday, December 16, 2011

    a look back at march 2011 

    march 1, fur coat man doesnt give a fig about war or charlie sheen

    march 2, the former drummer of thee mystakes teams up with the donnas singer, makes supergroup

    march 3, The Week, america’s Economist, named my mind-in-the-gutter description of the London olympic’s logo the second best of alllll tiiiiimes

    march 5, danced with pretty girls at a gay bar

    march 6, went to the beach with karisa and learned how much a 2bd/2ba beachside apt costs

    march 8, sass comes back to america just in time for a photo shoot

    march 9, lauren rocket invites liana and i to play with dinosaur bones which i write about for the Times animal blog, Unleashed

    march 12, ucsb wins the big west lol omg xyz pdq

    march 13, a young lady in chile writes about her dog’s first trip to the beach. a mental note is made.

    march 15, “hits went up on the blogs, but so what. record numbers. so what seriously. all i have is lobster balls.”

    march 16, learn something new every day

    march 17, “twenty years ago while in a dress in the beverly garland hotel i asked jeanine to be my girlfriend.”

    march 18, my niece sends me the greatest girl scout invoice ever

    march 19, joey maloney shoots the calendar cover for a todd martens story on sxsw, lovely planets align

    march 19, cnn is a romantic at heart

    march 22, j mascis plays at sxsw making me sad im not there

    march 23, got to be part of a sit down video interview with Ron Ron who was super cool

    march 24, sad day at work, so i drove around aimlessly during lunch because i could sense the impending doom

    march 30, boy wonder Mark Millian returns to the LA Times – just to say hey, and to lift our spirits. (it worked.)