nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, May 22, 2013

    my mom always liked Liana, and today Liana is a mom 


    everyones favorite Cubana, Liana is now the proud mamacita of an adorable little bundle of joy


    Havana Sofia was actually born on May 9th

    but because Liana didn’t post these pics on Facebook till today it didn’t count til now

    not that it was ever in question but a few years back when my little niece was littler

    we took this pic and we were all wow she will make a beautiful mom

    and she does! Congrats Liana

  2. Wednesday, March 9, 2011

    hey happy ash wednesday 

    to celebrate Fat Tuesday i drove to new orleans and caught some crawfish

    then i drank a beer and fell asleep with my pants still on.

    at the la brea tar pits

    so this morning i met up with lauren clark of rocket at the la brea tar pits

    and she showed your favorite cuban girl and myself around the most recent excavation going down on the miracle mile

    yes that cuban girl

    funny story: first the cuban she said i looked thinner which was nice SINCE I AM

    then she said man youre getting old, any closer to having kids?

    then before i could answer she said, oh sorry maybe youre infertile.

    to which i said, in my most sultry barry white voice

    lets find out.

    which inspired her typical ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

    which ive missed so

  3. Tuesday, March 23, 2010

    today is lianas 25th birthday 

    born to mexican refugees just outside of ensenada, liana burrowed her way to america through an abandoned drug tunnel to san diego and sold chicklets to tourists outside sea world until she was six.

    once she learned english she was adopted by american diplomats who traveled the world and showed her the ins and outs of politics, classical music, linux, and modern art. if you ever want to impress her whine about how the guggenheim isnt what it used to be and how californian wines are overrated.

    a graduate of brown and harvard law, liana decided to enter the world of marketing purely to spite her adoptive parents who always said that marketing was for snake oil salesmen and charletons. “if brooke sheilds was giving free shows in the basement of the alamo,” her father used to say, “there would be no need for any market studies, advertising, or viral schemes – the word would get out and there would be a line a mile long.”

    i met liana on my one and only time on j date. neither of us were jewish but we wanted to see what all the hoopla was about and we found each other. she lied about being a gemini and i lied about being ad rock’s cousin. it was lust at first sight but nothing happened as she immediately threw me into the dreaded “friend zone”.

    things have a funny way of working out however, for because we werent together she got me a job at her market research company when she found out that i was enjoying an unexpected summer vacation after being let go by the tv network. this was a job that i would only have for three months before buzznet picked me up, but it was three of the most wonderful months of my life as the office was filled with incredibly smart young women doing all sorts of interesting assignments, of which liana was the center of.

    a purveyor of chocolate, gangsta rap, and mimosas at sunday brunches, liana will be spending her birthday tonight with her family and friends at the chic beverly hills hotel bar whose name escapes me because i still have yet to receive an invite.

    maybe its because after all these years i still insist that her eyes are tan which she claims to be an impossibility.

    happy 24th birthday liana, i will be indebted to you for taking me to the kill bill 2 premiere at manns chinese a day before it came out and then shaving my hair off.

  4. Wednesday, June 21, 2006

    you really shouldnt try to attempt any of this at home 

    from back in the dayi have the weirdest schedule. last night i didnt go to bed until 5am, only to be awaken by a cuban girl who never really told me what she wanted. now here it is 255am and im not even close to feeling sleepy so im sipping rum and writing things for LAist and listen to my Mellow folder on the itunes which right now is bumping the pixies gigantic and im thinking about you, yes you, the one in the pink.

    karisa pinged me at 9pm, by 10pm i had showered and was headed towards her miracle mile rendezvous locale, curiously near the xbi hq. she claimed to be “starving” which was funny because i had just gotten off the phone with my true love in africa who told me about a few of her experiences with truly starving people.

    we decided on Swingers, the ultra hip diner on 3rd street near the Grove. the service was horrible, the food was eh, the company was amazing. even in the dark karisa’s a knockout. she plays these games where she tries to get me to check her out but i only have my mind on my money and my money on my mind so i only had eyes for LAist and took pictures of our plates of food so i can review the joint.

    but they dont need any love. there it was 10:30p and they were packed. even the outside was full. the waitress never asked us how we liked our shit, never asked if we needed anything else, never asked us if we wanted dessert, never asked us if i was really tony pierce and if my dining companion who wanted the grilled cheese was truly The karisa j hotshit. so she only got a 19 percent tip.

    before i left to go to dinner i dissed kobe on LAist which ended up with lots of readers of LAist dissing me. ME!

    its been a funny week with me and the readers over there. they obviously dont understand the rules of the game which you kids follow beautifully. and those rules are simple “when tony hits publish post, you tell him how rad he is in the comments.”

    several members of the peanut gallery seemed to overlook that rule and told me that my reasoning was indefensible and even vapid. big words i know. but i have a thesaurus around here somewhere. anyways kobe does suck, shaq has another ring, and lookatthat so does Riles. it was a win win for me because the Mavs are my team after the Heat so i was in hog heaven and Cuban will get his if he doesnt go bankrupt with all the fines, but its fine, its fine.

    and this mellow mix keeps getting louder. dont people understand that 3:13am means shhhh it means


    it means


    thats right it means so quiet you can barely hear it.

    and tomorrow i have to rule the world again and see if anyone notices.

    wonkette noticed + i put a green bud on LAist yesterday + dissed pearl jam today

  5. Tuesday, June 6, 2006

    happy 666 day. 

    i live in hollywood and many of the prefixes here are 666 including my home number.

    when i was signing up for a number the lady recommended something that started with 665 and i was all hey wait i just remembered this is hollywood, do you have any 666 numbers and she hesitated and then was like yep pretty much anything you need.

    and i got an extremely easy-to-remember phone number

    which i never give out since im never home.

    its actually 1:39am on 6/6/6 and when i wake i will escort a cuban girl so that we can interview people in the six most evil parts of los angeles

    orange county
    downtown la
    beverly hills
    and chatsworth

    i want to ask the people what 666 day means to them.

    she told me not to blog about it before we do it because someone will steal the idea but you know what, theres not an idea that i have that i wouldnt love someone to steal.

    why? because then i can take the damn day off and try to get with this girl!

    its gonna take us all day just to drive from the valley to the orange curtain and then back over here. and she’ll probably want to see a movie.

    so yes, i would have loved it if someone said that they were going to interview people in LA about what 666 day means to them. and have it posted that night. devils night theyre calling it. night of the dead.

    heres why 666 doesnt bother me. as a Christian i have nothing to worry about. the number, which comes from revelation simply says that only 1/3 of the people will believe in Jesus and the rest are lost. 1/3 is .333, 2/3 is .666, therefore it makes sense that the mark of the beast would be 666 since he represents the lost. and of course i like to have theories that arent in wikipedia.

    how many believers of Jesus are there on the planet right now? 33%

    and so when people like my maid ask me if afraid to have 666 in my phone number i say baby im way more scared of hell than i am of any phone number. that number reminds me to be good. because its our souls that get judged not our superstitions.

    do i even know anybody in orange county?

    ok its 2am and im watching closer for the twentieth time. at this hour theres nothing more preferable than natalie portman in those outfits, which is funny because there are very few hours when that isnt the case.

    the dutch are going to pray all day today

    If you add the denominations of all Japanese yen coins available (1, 5, 10, 50, 100, 500) the total is 666.

    Roulette wheel numbers add up to 666.

    KNAC names it National Day of Slayer, and will play non-stop slayer all day.

    summer beach reading! Ann Coulter releases her new book Godless: The Church of Liberalism today

    to promote the new album strumming with the devil, bluegrass versions of classic van halen gems that comes out today, david lee roth and his new crew will appear on jay leno tonight.

    Scott Vestal – banjo
    Stuart “StuBob” Duncan – fiddle
    Brad Davis – guitar
    John Jorgeson – mandolin
    Charlie Chadwick – bass
    David Lee Roth – Vox 

    american composer philip rhodes turns 66 today since after all he was born on 6/6/40

    and happy birthday to my first california girlfriend who also happened to make me a man, as she was born on 6/6/66

    and kissed like an angel

    if you live in LA you might want to creep over to the Henry Fonda where you will be greeted by:

    Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey, hispanic hollywood elvis impersonator El Vez, musclebound longhaired leaping gnome Glenn Danzig, the grandson of the legend Hank Williams III, and special guest Rudy Ray Moore also known as Dolemite among others in what they call A Tribute To Evil. thirty clams. hank iii is worth that alone. doors open at 6:60 for some reason and not six minutes later.

  6. Friday, June 2, 2006

    being unemployed means 

    having time to read fox news dot com. and the view. and the today show. and regis and kelly.

    In honor of the new Jennifer Aniston-Vince Vaughn flick “The Break-Up,” which opens Friday, Universal Pictures and Budweiser have declared June 2 “National Break-Up Day.”

    so because brad dumped jen we’ve all gotta break up? hmmmmm. not quite sure im into that one.

    i slept on the couch last night because i didnt want to believe that i was getting sleepy at 3am. i also didnt want to sleep all day. its gorgeous here in los angeles and its 10:46am and if i were to drive somewhere like san diego now would be a good time to jump in the shower.

    heres the only problem with san diego, as much as i love danielle, i hate san diego. i want it to fall into the ocean. i want then for there to be a vortex and it gets sucked into the vortex. then i want the vortex to implode or get trapped in a mine or a well.

    you know who would try to get san diego out of a mine? old people. but old people have very bad backs so they wouldnt be able to get san diego out of the mine or well and it would just die there as the cameras rolled.

    and after a while it would begin to smell.

    and people would blame tijuana.

    i have two options for next week. i could get in a car and start driving. or i could hang out in my house and wake up at noon and go to the cinema every day with a newly unemployed cuban girl.

    who has a boyfriend.

    however i thought i saw a billboard that said what happens at the grove stays at the grove. because generally i would prefer that.

    its 11:30am. they say its gonna be a hot one.

    i need a laptop.

    or a summer college intern with a laptop.

    a very special melting dolls + courtney + zulieka + no healani

  7. Sunday, January 23, 2005

    bob and i drove around hollywood 

    yesterday, taking in the sights. it was very nice.

    a cuban beauty met us at the beverly center for pf changs but before we got there i was spotted on rodeo drive.

    a polite cyclist saw me in the passenger’s side and said, tony pierce?

    we conversed at the stop light and afterwards bob said, getting recognized on rodeo drive in beverly hills by adoring fans, tell me more about this blogging.

    i’ll tell you about it. i’ll tell you that its 10:22am sunday morning and my computer is still in the shop and im typing to you from an internet cafe.

    if bob only knew that the cyclist was a friend of karisas and not an adorning fan, however the fans represented yesterday via my po box.

    someone sent me windows xp and an awesome ep of one of their friends’ band, one dude sent me some cubs baseball cards from the early 70s, and one dude copy and pasted all these semi-published and unpublished jd salinger stories grabbed some pictures of karisa and created a one-off book using the printers at the copy shop that he works at and mailed me a book called “twenty stories.”


    last night i was up till 4am reading it. reading is a lost art in my house when the computer is present. im totally addicted. clipper girls cousin is quitting smoking cigarettes and talks about how hard it is. i cant imagine trying to quit the computer. even when i had carpal tunnel it was hard to slow down, though i did.

    also in the mailbox were a boatload of matthew good cds. i never had heard his music and emailed his record label to inquire which ones i should consider and they sent me the whole catalogue. expect reviews shortly. but upon first listen of the latest cd i hear a whisper of matthew sweet, but harder edged. which is nice. sweet always seemed to be whining about something.

    its gorgeous here in hollywood. seventies? perfect weather for watching snow-covered football fields.

    i hope your favorite team wins.

    unless youre from new england.


    was i sleep deprived or was snl not so shitty last night? afterwards i got a super late night tap at the door and it was the academy who had forgotten to send me films to consider for the oscars.

    tonight’s screening was james l. brooks’s Spanglish starring adam sandler and a penelope cruise lookalike.

    the first 2/3rds of the movie was really great. but then tia leone got on my nerves and the plot fell apart.

    my biggest problem was that all of the characters were so flat. people were just so extreme. the crazy people were super crazy and the angels were angels. james l should know better than that. and im now officially sick of adam sandler being anything other than obnoxious or stony.

    just because he could pull off being perfect and charming in the wedding singer doesnt mean that you need to keep doing it in mr deeds, 50 first dates, and now spanglish. bring back the edge.

    ban sidhe + radical georgia moderate + flagrant should start an s&l

  8. Thursday, April 15, 2004

    because im the luckiest man alive 

    liana bunny big tanky and two strppers

    and because the ladies of LA are so generous and beautiful and connected and wonderful.

    and because the pickings are slim for the single young females, tonight i get to see a special sneak preview of Kill Bill 2 at the historic mann’s chinese theatre thanks to the good people who made Uma Thurman’s shoes: Asics.

    thank you Asics and thank you Liana for letting me be your guest.

    and thank you Liana for letting me take karisa if youre too busy saving the world to go.

    we’ll see you at the after party and later at the Standard and if i lack any blogging tomorrow it’s cuz im still hungover.

    i didnt truly love love love the first Kill Bill. it seemed to me to be violence for violence sake and very little plot.

    i didnt like that it only took uma a few minutes to chop up a couple dozen dudes with swords but then took an excrutiatingly long time to reach a conclusion with Lucy Lui

    who’s just one girl.

    i loved, however, the opening exchange between uma and vivica.

    how quentin gets all these fine women to look even finer in his films is wonderful, especially since it’s been a long time since either uma, daryll or vivica have been carded, if you know what i mean.

    and of course i loved the ball-and-chain weilding asian school girl who very truly needs to answer my phone calls and marry me.

    and although jackie brown was a major disappointment, i have nothing but high hopes for this film tonight.

    i hope i get to see it with the hottest cuban girl in hollywood

    but if i have to accompany karisa, i suppose i will survive.

    and if this movie sucks, trust me, i will tell you.

    flagrant + wisdom goof + kate sullivan