nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, June 30, 2015

    i have a secret phone in my house 

    mako and linda

    hardly anyone knows the number. it’s a landline with no ringer and no answering machine.

    the xbi taught us esp through a series of extremely painful exercises that we were forced to practice all the years that i was in santa barbara.

    that phone is a baby step between esp and an actual phone because in order for it to work someone has to dial it and i have to somehow psychically know that it’s ringing with very few prompts.

    last night our sweet, long lost friend Linda, the former barefoot runaway, former navy submarine pilot, and former utah prison guard was on the other end of the phone and she said “im in hollywood next to the capitol records building, which way to your house?”

    i said follow the north star turn right and then make another right and then an immediate right and i will be the guy in the robe and the cubs hat. it should take you 10 minutes.

    and there she was. with her teenage daughter Mako who has grown up so fast she has already graduated high school and is on her next steps of studying zoology in either san diego, berkley or santa cruz.

    linda at san nic

    they had been at venice beach all day and were sun burned. they asked for aloe lotion but all i had was actual aloe but they refused it. we talked and talked and talked and mako is a delight and they both want to leave utah and move to LA and who can blame them. the only problem is you can buy a house in SLC for $120k and here that will barely buy you a Mercedes Jeep.

    i was shocked (but not surprised) at how smart and wonderful mako is and how funny linda is especially about me sharing with her daughter what a firecracker linda was in college (see photo above) and how fascinating it has been to watch her mature into the greatest police officer and firearms expert in these 50 states.

    linda is burned out though and wants to do something “peaceful and beautiful” which is sad because she would make the greatest private bodyguard for a famous actress because she fears nothing.

    but she doesnt want that. she wants to grow flowers. so i suggested oxnard. and before i could tell her more about that the clock said it was time to go. so they got back into their rental car and drove to LAX where they were staying at a nearby motel and i was so sad that my esp was rusty and i hadnt known about their earlier calls during the weekend, as i would have given them my home and taken them to sushi and a movie.

    next time they said! next time. mako is now on her way to Asia on a peace corps style good will mission for a month and then she will return. hopefully with Linda and we can do this right.

    i am so blessed to have so many top notch friends who have turned into the greatest parents and people.

    how did i get so lucky?

  2. Tuesday, April 21, 2015

    for some reason katie and i were in the kitchen talking about acid 

    LSDbut like most of my stories, the heart of the conversation was about Jesus and how i am a huge disappointment to Him.

    im pretty sure when i was born all the angels and saints were all omg is that tony, is that the one who’s gonna invent the Rock n Roll Church?

    and a few of the naked cherubs smoking little joints and tuning their harps were all, fuck yeah, thats him.

    one night i was in bed with young barefooted linda and we had accidentally been poisoned by some acid so we ran to my house to weather the storm and one thing led to another and soon i was naked.

    eventually linda was too and i was all whats these hickies on your body. she said joe gave those to me the other day. i said but joe’s dating callie.

    she said yep.

    and it made me very sad because i loved joe and callie as a couple and i could see why youd be tempted by linda, she was one of the sexiest girls in town but so was cal, so when linda took a smoke break i wrote a little story to alert callie that her man was straying.

    why? because when you’re young and in college and youve just been the victim of a psychedelic poisoning those are the sorts of dumb things you do.

    within hours callie was pissed and joe had been kicked outta the house and chris called me and said Get Out of the House, Joe’s coming over to kill you!

    but at this point the poison had really kicked in and i could barely even make out with linda let alone find my shorts and shoes in order to run out into the wilds of Isla Vista. plus where was i gonna hide? our town was one square mile.

    so i said linda we have to fill this apartment with Love. hold my hand and close your eyes and just think of loving things. she said like of what? i said just hearts, imagine red cartoon hearts bouncing out of your heart and filling up this apartment.

    before we could get a foot high of hearts BOOM BOOM BOOM went the door

    open the fuck up! joe shouted. we could see the door give a little with each pound.

    our hearts evaporated. but still i told linda: fill up this bedroom with love. and i put on a robe and went to the door.

    BANG BANG BANG went the door and i said coming! hold on!

    and i opened the door and Joe stood there looking like ted nugent: long hair, scraggly beard, wild eyed and pissed.

    and all i did was open my arms and thought good thoughts for like 20 seconds.

    and slowly walked to him to hug him. he pushed me and said f you. i said no, i love you Joe and im sorry but i had to tell her. i f’ed up but you did too. he said but you f’ed up more! you told! i said, fine, i f’ed up more. i’ll accept that, but you have to hug me or we’ll never fill up this apartment with love.

    and he reluctantly hugged me and Linda peeked out from the mostly closed bedroom door, shocked that i wasnt being pummeled by Joe, who, by the way was already pissed because he was headed to jail in a few weeks. and we all sat down and tried to figure out how we could make Callie unpissed at joe And at linda. i eventually walked over to her apartment with him. startling everyone because they thought he was gonna return with my head. my beautifully afroed head.

    when that negotiation was over, i skateboarded back to my apartment where linda was snoozing away and i turned on the tape deck and bob dylan was singing something off Saved and a still silent voice said ok tony, youve done it all, you can come up to heaven now. and at first i was all, wow, cool. but then i said, oh wait no no no i dont wanna die.

    and the voice said ok well if you dont come up right now theres three things youve gotta do. number one, dont ever get poisoned again. i was all ok. second, stop getting naked with linda. i said noooooo. i love her. voice said too bad, and third spread the word. the hardest demand of all. because who wants to be That guy.

    but i heard dylan very subtly talk about his love of the Lord in Jokerman and i was all oooooooh i can do it like that? sweet. and ive never been poisoned again.