things i wrote for los angeleno last month

birthday

i had terrible writers block last month.

i just coudnt get it together.

i struggled harder than i have — ever. just too much was going on. like all the time. finally i snapped out of it.

how?

i just let that gunk flow through me and waited. and finally it was gone. and i was able to get back to writing.

but if that makes you think i wasnt concerned AF, youd be wrong. fortunately i was able to eek these out:

Why My Girlfriend Doesn’t Want to Eat in a Parking Garage in Glendale

Why Not Just Party if the Cops — and Everyone Else — Are Doing it?

Picking a Psychiatrist’s Brain About Kanye, Racism, and the Rise of Karens

Twitter Sounds Off on Kamala Harris’ VP Nomination

Uber and Lyft Poised to Hit Cancel on California Like the Losers They Are

Who Is That Masked Man Offering Me Pizza?

The Buck Stops Here: NBA, WNBA, MLS and some MLB Games Postponed

yesterday they ran a list of things i loved in 2019

but i wanted to keep that list short

here are some other things ive loved

tube socks

silver lake ramen

roku

the clippers’ off season moves

the black godfather

shazam

jabs family

emma chamberlain

my internet download speeds

bananas

al michaels

social media

clearance priced three ring binders at staples

jack in the box tacos

amber

ambers workplace benefits

saunas

alexa

youtube

being able to talk to smart people and ask them all the hardest questions in the world

Top 10 Lies Supreme Court Nominee Kavanaugh Told Today

1. He said it was legal for him to  drink when he was a senior in high school. False

2. and 3.  He lied about the slang term “boof” and the “Devils Triangle” saying the former was about barfing and the latter was a version of Quarters, in truth they are about anal sex and threesomes.

4. He originally swore he never drank in the summers on weekdays, but his trusty calendar ratted him out and had to admit to Cory Booker that he did, indeed drink on a weekday at Timmy’s, as his trusty calendar proved.

5. In a lie that only made him look like an asshole he told Kamala Harris that he didn’t watch Dr. Ford’s testimony. An aide says he was watching (which is probably why he came out with guns blazing).

6. When Sen. Harris asked him about polygraphs he said they’re unreliable. Not consistent to what he once said when he wasn’t one false move away from a lie detector.

7. According to his Yale classmate, he also lied about his drinking in college. Namely that he often drank to excess (more than The Card would have recommended).

8. He told Sen Blumenthal that the yearbook phrase Renate Alumnus was simply a G-rated friend thing and had nothing to do with sex, but his friend’s poem about her alluded what everyone knew, that they were calling her a slut: “You need a date / and it’s getting late / so don’t hesitate / to call Renate”. But the woman herself said that she did not take it as a compliment.

9. He said three witnesses have refuted Christine Blasey, not true. They just said they don’t remember.

10. He said he openly welcomed an FBI investigation, yep, lie.

The Daily Show had the funniest summary of the crazy exchanges

 

things i used to want, ranked

1. an actual satellite dish

2. to be the manager of the Cubs

3. 12 kids

4. three wives

5. an ’82 Corvette

6. to read a book a month

7. to be a preacher

8. to be in the air force

9. for everyone to love me

10. a boat

11. a fridge in the garage

12. shelves that line my ceiling so i can put all my books

13. a Harvard degree

14. 5 acres on the Umpqua River

15. to win the lottery yesterday

16. to run MTV

17. to get an A in any of my college classes at UCSB

18. to be mayor of Isla Vista

19. to meet Angus Young

20. a farm

21. a fine collection of toupees

22. for people to understand each other completely

kurt cobain liked lists, so here are my favorite films by year

1925 Seven Chances
1926 The General
1927 Metropolis
1928 Steamboat Bill, Jr.
1929 The Taming of the Shrew
1930 The Blue Angel
1931 M
1932 Freaks
1933 Duck Soup
1934 It Happened One Night
1935 A Night at the Opera
1936 Modern Times
1937 Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
1938 Room Service
1939 The Wizard of Oz
1940 His Girl Friday
1941 Citizen Kane
1942 Casablanca
1943 Stormy Weather
1944 Double Indemnity
1945 Spellbound
1946 It’s a Wonderful Life
1947 Miracle on 34th Street
1948 Oliver Twist
1949 The Third Man
1950 Sunset Boulevard
1951 The African Queen
1952 Singin’ In The Rain
1953 Roman Holiday
1954 Rear Window
1955 To Catch a Thief
1956 The Ten Commandments
1957 Throne of Blood
1958 Vertigo
1959 Some Like It Hot
1960 The Apartment
1961 Breakfast at Tiffany’s
1962 The Miracle Worker
1963 The Birds
1964 Marriage Italian Style
1965 The Sound of Music
1966 The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
1967 Belle de Jour
1968 2001: A Space Odyssey
1969 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
1970 Two Mules for Sister Sara
1971 A Clockwork Orange
1972 The Godfather
1973 Enter The Dragon
1974 Young Frankenstein
1975 Dog Day Afternoon
1976 The Bad News Bears
1977 Star Wars
1978 Animal House
1979 The Jerk
1980 The Blues Brothers
1981 Stripes
1982 Fast Times at Ridgemont High
1983 Scarface
1984 This is Spinal Tap
1985 The Breakfast Club
1986 Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
1987 Evil Dead II
1988 Coming To America
1989 Do the Right Thing
1990 Goodfellas
1991 Cape Fear
1992 The Player
1993 Jurrasic Park
1994 Pulp Fiction
1995 Empire Records
1996 Happy Gilmore
1997 Gummo
1998 The Truman Show
1999 Being John Malkovich
2000 Bring It On
2001 Moulin Rouge!
2002 8 Mile
2003 Old School
2004 Kill Bill: Volume 2
2005 The 40 Year-Old Virgin
2006 Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
2007 Superbad
2008 The Dark Knight
2009 Fantastic Mr. Fox
2010 Scott Pilgrim vs The World
2011 The Artist
2012 Moonrise Kingdom
2013 Spring Breakers
2014 The Lego Movie
2015 Mad Max: Fury Road
2016 Rogue One
2017 The Last Jedi

the older i get the more i want to direct a movie

things people should do before they die

  1. see a Tom Waits concert
  2. fly a helicopter
  3. attend the world series
  4. swim in both the pacific and the atlantic
  5. experience an earthquake
  6. write a book
  7. direct a movie
  8. have a spiritual breakthrough
  9. experience poverty
  10. spin records on FM radio within Safe Harbor
  11. starve for 30 hours
  12. spend the night outside waiting in line for something
  13. visit Sweden
  14. dine in Lyon
  15. sit in the bleachers of Wrigley Field
  16. spend the night in Sedona
  17. pray in Jerusalem

popular things i’ve never understood

rooting for the yankees

peeing fetishes

foot fetishes

electronic dance music

modern day conservatism

incest porn

lack of outrage over priests fucking boys

coldplay

ryan seacrest

the designated hitter

clothes shopping

not wearing condoms

call of duty

smoking cigarettes

ass play

black socks

cucumbers

guns

san diego

super bad drivers

not washing your hands after using a public rest room

law & order

marrying for money

strawberries

root beer

bondage

my computer has been broken for the last 2.5 days

 

i watched a lot of tv,

gave the car dealership way too much money

did my dishes

cooked an amazing fish dinner

saw half of the Magnificent Seven

binged watched almost all of Catastrophe.

joined a gang,

got kicked out of a gang.

watched two old episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm

ate four Jack in the Box tacos (possible reason i was kicked out of said gang)

ordered things from ebay on my omg phone.

did a good deed for someone last night.

and then went to the 99 cents store and got cereal and milk.

and limes.

i needed some rinds.

theres so much i havent done in my life

terry and juliette

ive never gotten a tattoo

ive never put my thumb in a girls mouth and taken a picture

while someone else was taking a picture of me.

ive never been to catalina.

ive never been to greece.

<s>ive never kissed a girl and then her sister.</s>

ive never written a screenplay.

ive never been to yankee stadium.

ive never been in the white house.

ive never been to the super bowl or the grammys.

ive never been to any of the halls of fame.

ive never kissed a girl on a gondola in florence.

ive never been to the watts tower.

ive never been to the world series.

i have no stories to tell.