nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, May 22, 2019

    crazy, terrible car chase, starring an RV, a woman, and 2 dogs 

    usually car chases are somewhat predictable: the dude (usually it’s a dude) drives around for a few hours, runs out of gas, party’s over.

    it’s the exceptions to the rules that keep us watching. sometimes the dude gets lucky and escapes miraculously. sometimes the guy crashes into something unexpectedly. rarely but sometimes the proper use of a spike strip ends it.

    and sometimes the cops bust with the sweet pit maneuver, spin the guy around and trap him.

    speaking of pits, today a lady with two big pit bulls stole an RV and drove way too fast through the valley.

    on a hairpin u turn in a parking lot she scraped off a good chunk of the passenger side

    she hit two cars hard, and a palm tree.

    halfway though one of her dogs worked his way through the smashed out window and jumped into the street and hobbled over to the sidewalk

    it ended when she hit said palm tree while hitting a man in a car who was trying so hard to get out of the way.

    she ran with her remaining dog to a high wall driveway fence that refused to open up for her and when the CHP grabbed her you could see bloody paw prints on the stairs.

    it was shocking and sad and maybe a little too much to take when you saw the dogs with their big tongues and wagging tails.

    they deserved so much better than this.

    fortunately they are both well, the guy who got hit has a bunch of broken ribs, and the woman was arrested.

    but will we ever find out why she did this, why an RV, and does this disqualify her from owning pets?

    so many questions.

  2. Thursday, February 1, 2018

    you’ll never feel at home in LA unless you keep moving 

    LA is huge.

    imagine the biggest place you’ve ever been in and quadruple it.

    that will just be the Valley, which you need to know if you are really to get LA.

    then quadruple it again and you’ve got South Central,

    which is where the secret soul of LA is. the actual heartbeat.

    the fakers fly right over south central via overpasses or freeways , but if you live here long enough

    and if you start meeting the right people you will go to a house party off Crenshaw

    you will get your haircut on Florence,

    you might even find yourself at a sample sale near Carson.

    LA goes all the way to Long Beach and inside the weirdest dead ends of downtown.

    everyone hikes Runyon, but if i was the failing New York Times and their laughing stock of an LA bureau here’s what i would do:

    there is a stretch of LA from Santa Monica to DTLA thats as wide as Pico to the south to Sunset to the north.

    i would refuse to run any stories from that stretch an zero from downtown.

    i’d also ignore anything happening in the upper crust of Malibu, Manhattan and Redondo Beaches.

    why? because unless we are talking about crime, 90% of so-called news and features by the mainstream press happen in that narrow band.

    the Pulitzer Prize winning Jonathan Gold is beloved in LA because he uses the entire canvas, not just the same beaten path

    he ventures, he explores, he speaks Spanish, he talks to people of all skin colors and religious beliefs.

    LA is the home of more religions than any other city in the world.

    it is the 2nd largest Spanish speaking city on the planet.

    if all of your sources and all of your stories are about white folk, if all of your touchstones and goals and ideals are based in Caucasian ideals of the 1960s

    then you aren’t really telling the story of LA of today.

    i once dated a girl from canada who was blown away that so many billboards and handmade fliers were in Spanish

    and how many brown skinned people there were on the streets

    and Asians

    and Jews.

    she said, this isn’t what it looked like in “Clueless”.

    if you truly want to cover this city, and most of all, if you really want to love this city, you have to move out of West Hollywood

    you have to break up with your boyfriend,

    you have to stop taking taxis

    and most of all you should start driving for Lyft.

    then you will start to see the real story that is this beautiful city of angels.

  3. Friday, December 23, 2016
  4. Tuesday, May 3, 2016

    would i leave LA? sure. 

    jackie johnsonwhat would i miss?

    all my friends,

    this incredible weather.

    jackie johnson.

    good tacos.

    good soul food.

    my complete wreck room.

    my little cats.

    my landlord who never calls me back.



    little joy, good luck, 4100, canters

    hollywood blvd

    rodney on the roq

    grand central market

    venice, santee alley, mr. ramen

    the all you can eat section of dodger stadium

    amoeba, the bowl, the greek, the roxy

    don antonios, laurel canyon, the original tommys

    jilada, kogi, the mondrian

    melrose, crenshaw, ventura, isla vista, home, botegga louie, that ramen place in pass sass  took me to.

    midnight tacos, neptunes net, el compadre

    the vista, hollywood forever, vegas, the ace, house of pies, prado

    shortstop, tuk tuk thai, arclight, chez jay, natalee thai


    5 barbers no waiting, randys donuts, z pizza, angel city brewery

    the cerritos library

    huntington hospital, three clubs, blossom

    and zuma

  5. Tuesday, July 7, 2015

    you have eight thousand followers 

    gardener watering artificial grass

    theres a lot of artificial things in LA. so many we dont even notice any more.

    malls, boobs, butts, lips, hips, friendships, beliefs, flavors, colors

    and yes, grass.

    we have a drought here in California. worst one in years. the rain just teases us.

    it rained on my mommas head early this year during the red carpet at the Oscars

    and since then: nothing of any significance.

    so the artificial lawns replace grass all over town.

    it’s actually not that bad once you get to know it.

    and you dont have to water or mow it.



  6. Saturday, December 27, 2014

    im procrastinating going out there in the world 


    it’s super slow to drive. yesterday was ok. but only made like $100. must double that today.

    was thinking about just going to the airport and back 10 times and see if i can make $200.

    but then i think, is that any way to live?


    is sitting around playing last years version of NBA 2k any way to live either?

    what is the way to live? lots of my friends have kids, theyre doing whatever the kids wanna do.

    thats the furthest removed thing that i remember from my childhood, and i loved my childhood!

    id go to the movies but ive seen everything.

    not true. still must see:

    american sniper, nightcrawler, all the foreign films, and snowpiercer.

    maybe i’ll do that tomorrow.

    today we eat lunch and drive.

  7. Friday, July 25, 2014

    we love tacos so much in LA that today there was a traffic jam 

    taco man

    a tagger had gotten trapped spraying graffitti on a sign above the 5 freeway

    and he didnt wanna give himself up to the cops so he just sat in the small space

    between the sign and the overpass.

    the cops couldnt get to him because of some fencing put there to prevent taggers!

    so they shut down the freeway and set up a cushion for the tagger to jump

    but the guy wouldnt move: for hours

    so apparently some guy had all the fixings for a taco stand so he set one up.

    first customer talked crap about it on yelp.

  8. Monday, April 7, 2014
  9. Monday, March 17, 2014
  10. Wednesday, January 29, 2014

    emilio wants to move to LA. no one knows why 


    it can’t be because of the food. ours is fine but its so petit. georgia has way better grub


    it cant be because of our sports teams. the lakers are horrible and the angels are worse


    it cant be for the swimming pools. even david hockney doesnt wanna swim here any more.


    and our grooming habits are just bizarro. dudes really want brazilians here? screw manscaping.


    real men eat real donuts, not fronuts.


    not the fins of sting rays – despite how delicious they are. and amazing. and better than youd expect.


    did we mention the fronuts cost as much as a box of Twinkees?


    superstar record producers know better than to dive in head first into LA when theyve got a perfectly good thing going

    in the dirty south.

    if you see this man walking in LA tell him you understand why he just wants to dangle his pinky toe into our pool

    and not truly dive in.

    LA is all hype anyways.

    it’s way better on the silver screen.