nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, December 23, 2016
  2. Tuesday, May 3, 2016

    would i leave LA? sure. 

    jackie johnsonwhat would i miss?

    all my friends,

    this incredible weather.

    jackie johnson.

    good tacos.

    good soul food.

    my complete wreck room.

    my little cats.

    my landlord who never calls me back.



    little joy, good luck, 4100, canters

    hollywood blvd

    rodney on the roq

    grand central market

    venice, santee alley, mr. ramen

    the all you can eat section of dodger stadium

    amoeba, the bowl, the greek, the roxy

    don antonios, laurel canyon, the original tommys

    jilada, kogi, the mondrian

    melrose, crenshaw, ventura, isla vista, home, botegga louie, that ramen place in pass sass  took me to.

    midnight tacos, neptunes net, el compadre

    the vista, hollywood forever, vegas, the ace, house of pies, prado

    shortstop, tuk tuk thai, arclight, chez jay, natalee thai


    5 barbers no waiting, randys donuts, z pizza, angel city brewery

    the cerritos library

    huntington hospital, three clubs, blossom

    and zuma

  3. Tuesday, July 7, 2015

    you have eight thousand followers 

    gardener watering artificial grass

    theres a lot of artificial things in LA. so many we dont even notice any more.

    malls, boobs, butts, lips, hips, friendships, beliefs, flavors, colors

    and yes, grass.

    we have a drought here in California. worst one in years. the rain just teases us.

    it rained on my mommas head early this year during the red carpet at the Oscars

    and since then: nothing of any significance.

    so the artificial lawns replace grass all over town.

    it’s actually not that bad once you get to know it.

    and you dont have to water or mow it.



  4. Saturday, December 27, 2014

    im procrastinating going out there in the world 


    it’s super slow to drive. yesterday was ok. but only made like $100. must double that today.

    was thinking about just going to the airport and back 10 times and see if i can make $200.

    but then i think, is that any way to live?


    is sitting around playing last years version of NBA 2k any way to live either?

    what is the way to live? lots of my friends have kids, theyre doing whatever the kids wanna do.

    thats the furthest removed thing that i remember from my childhood, and i loved my childhood!

    id go to the movies but ive seen everything.

    not true. still must see:

    american sniper, nightcrawler, all the foreign films, and snowpiercer.

    maybe i’ll do that tomorrow.

    today we eat lunch and drive.

  5. Friday, July 25, 2014

    we love tacos so much in LA that today there was a traffic jam 

    taco man

    a tagger had gotten trapped spraying graffitti on a sign above the 5 freeway

    and he didnt wanna give himself up to the cops so he just sat in the small space

    between the sign and the overpass.

    the cops couldnt get to him because of some fencing put there to prevent taggers!

    so they shut down the freeway and set up a cushion for the tagger to jump

    but the guy wouldnt move: for hours

    so apparently some guy had all the fixings for a taco stand so he set one up.

    first customer talked crap about it on yelp.

  6. Monday, April 7, 2014
  7. Monday, March 17, 2014
  8. Wednesday, January 29, 2014

    emilio wants to move to LA. no one knows why 


    it can’t be because of the food. ours is fine but its so petit. georgia has way better grub


    it cant be because of our sports teams. the lakers are horrible and the angels are worse


    it cant be for the swimming pools. even david hockney doesnt wanna swim here any more.


    and our grooming habits are just bizarro. dudes really want brazilians here? screw manscaping.


    real men eat real donuts, not fronuts.


    not the fins of sting rays – despite how delicious they are. and amazing. and better than youd expect.


    did we mention the fronuts cost as much as a box of Twinkees?


    superstar record producers know better than to dive in head first into LA when theyve got a perfectly good thing going

    in the dirty south.

    if you see this man walking in LA tell him you understand why he just wants to dangle his pinky toe into our pool

    and not truly dive in.

    LA is all hype anyways.

    it’s way better on the silver screen.

  9. Sunday, January 26, 2014
  10. Monday, January 13, 2014

    wayne asks “how about what they wanna do to Dodger Stadium for hockey?” 

    la-sp-dodgers-stadium-outdoor-hockey-game-20140112 oh you mean beach volley ball in left field, a Kiss concert in RF, and inline skating at homeplate?

    with appearances from Wayne Gretzky and Vin Scully

    and omg fireworks?

    i think only the writers of The Simpsons can find any humor in this.

    this is why Canada secceeded from The Union.

    this is why Bin Laden is rolling in his “watery grave”.

    this is why Dodger Stadium is cursed.

    this is why Magic Johnson was a terrible head coach.

    this is why people point at LA and laugh and laugh and laugh

    and then buy tickets by the millions.

    why must they do this to inline skating?