Monday, March 17, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
it can’t be because of the food. ours is fine but its so petit. georgia has way better grub
it cant be because of our sports teams. the lakers are horrible and the angels are worse
it cant be for the swimming pools. even david hockney doesnt wanna swim here any more.
and our grooming habits are just bizarro. dudes really want brazilians here? screw manscaping.
real men eat real donuts, not fronuts.
not the fins of sting rays – despite how delicious they are. and amazing. and better than youd expect.
did we mention the fronuts cost as much as a box of Twinkees?
superstar record producers know better than to dive in head first into LA when theyve got a perfectly good thing going
in the dirty south.
if you see this man walking in LA tell him you understand why he just wants to dangle his pinky toe into our pool
and not truly dive in.
LA is all hype anyways.
it’s way better on the silver screen.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
they predicted there were going to be 25 million people here by 2011.
only short by about 10 million, but who’s counting.
Monday, January 13, 2014
oh you mean beach volley ball in left field, a Kiss concert in RF, and inline skating at homeplate?
with appearances from Wayne Gretzky and Vin Scully
and omg fireworks?
i think only the writers of The Simpsons can find any humor in this.
this is why Canada secceeded from The Union.
this is why Bin Laden is rolling in his “watery grave”.
this is why Dodger Stadium is cursed.
this is why Magic Johnson was a terrible head coach.
this is why people point at LA and laugh and laugh and laugh
and then buy tickets by the millions.
why must they do this to inline skating?
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
it capitalizes my sentences and that’s just not me.
Diane Von F was in the building today bc they are doing this art show about her downstairs.
You should see all the fanciness.
I’ve lived in LA for quite a while and it’s like wind. The coolness and action is like the sunshine and wind. You need shades and a light jacket to keep some of it off you or you’ll get burned. You just want a little bronzing.
If say Bill Murray walks past just give him a high five and keep moving.
If Bill Clinton cruises by just wink
If angus young crosses your path freak out but just don’t do that with everyone and things will be ok. It’s hard at first. I know.
The first star I encountered, mere months before The Breakfast Club dropped was miss Molly ringwald and I nearly fell right over. it was an all-ages rock club called madame wong’s west in west LA and we were there to see the rave ups play. seperately, but you know.
i remember they had an upstairs that had ms pac man and defender and i saw those and i was all holy cow
and then i turned and saw molly and said
what strange land have i moved to.
decades later i have learned a few things about the stars, theyre just like us.
they want real love, a reliably fast internet connection
and every now and then for the 405 to not be a royal pain in the ass.
rich or poor, man or woman, redheaded or bald,
sometimes we all just need to get to the valley.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Sorry about the winter you’re having, rest of the nation.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
“I don’t think I could ever live in Los Angeles. It does something to your soul. The place really infects people – if I stay there for too long I start being a freak. All this is just fantasy land as Lorde.”
– Lorde, 16, from New Zealand
Sunday, September 29, 2013
The thing about L.A. is it’s pretty much always nice out here.
Even when it was 100 the other day, I loved it.
It felt good.
I worked on my album in Philly, and I would take the train to New York on the weekends,
and I’d get off the train
and immediately want to die.
I would just hate my life.
And I’m from Nashville, which is kind of similar – when it’s hot, it’s fucking miserable.
But Nashville, at least it kind of rains in the summer.
I don’t even remember the last time it rained out here.
I always wondered how those big-ass fires start in L.A.,
and then I’ll throw my cigarette out the window or something,
and I’m like
“There it is.”
Saturday, September 21, 2013
“I just want you to know that even tho you may not have a job, you’ve been a role model for me for awhile”
not sure how that’s possible, but
Friday, July 19, 2013
I spy the Capitol Records tower
Drais pool atop the W on Hollywood Blvd.
Silver Lake reservoir
Downtown LA from East Hollywood
the Comedy Store on Sunset
i gotta get one of those drones