nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, October 27, 2015

    “the only love that lasts forever is unrequited love” – woody allen 

    lana del reybecause im a million years old and ive got this buff bod, ive had my share of love affairs.

    and because im a million, and a real life human, i’ve also had some unrequited loves.

    not everything works out. maybe its supposed to be like that.

    maybe the biggest lesson that porn teaches us is: if the boy always gets the girl, it makes for a super boring story.

    i didnt always get the girl. and sometimes when i got her i wondered why i wanted her in the first place (and vice versa).

    one of the best things ive learned about unrequited love is theres lots of it.

    but the question is, does that mean theres lots of potential requited love?

    i say yes.

    but more importantly heres what ive learned about unrequited love.

    ive learned that its the best motivation for working out, cleaning up ones apartment,

    and reading books youd never consider.

    and this, i think, is what separates us from apes.

    if a boy ape likes a girl ape and wants to climb a tree with her but she doesnt wanna, instead she wants to go to the river with a different boy ape

    im pretty sure the first boy ape doesnt start doing pushups and grooming himself in a different way.

    im pretty sure the first boy ape just hops over to a different girl ape and grabs her hand and leads her up a big tree to see the whole forest at sunset.

    sometimes the apes know what the heck they’re doing.

  2. Monday, October 19, 2015

    dear tony, are the cubs slowly breaking our hearts (again)? 

    William Sianis and the goata wise man once said, a fool and his money are soon parted.

    but what about a fool and his heart?

    money is a chumps game, love on the other hand is what its all about.

    love you can take with you. love is a many splendored thing. no matter what wall street decides to do with the imaginary valuation of this piece of paper or that one,

    they can’t do anything about love love love.

    and yet history will tell us that you dont fall in love with certain type of people (rock stars, models, and actors) and you should never trust the cubs winning the world series.

    no one you know has ever seen it happen. and the last time the cubs got super close, half the league was fighting the damn nazis.

    did i fall for the pretty smile that was the hot bats of this latest crop of rookies?


    did i think that all we needed was arrietta and three days of wet weatha?

    who didnt?

    but im also a romantic. i believe that two hearts can beat as one. i trust that despite all the shiny flashy things that can distract the eyes are one thing but the magnetism of love, true love, can not be pulled apart.

    but i am also a fool. who, like jon snow, knows nothing.

    sometimes it doesnt matter who your manager is, who your GM be, how many homers you hit beating the number one team in baseball and before that the number two team, means nothing if youre cursed.

    and if i was the rickets family, the owners of the cubs, i would fill the friendly confines with goats. it should be Goat Day tomorrow. bring a goat, get in free, bring a goat get a hat, bring goat meat get a free Old Style.

    there should be goat shwarmas being sliced up beneath the stands, there should be goat blood shots being poured in the surrounding bars,

    and before the game there should be goat races
    around the bases

    it’s so perfect it even rhymes.

    something needs to change and since my heart wont, something else must. until then we will all wake up on mondays and face the cold hard reality that the cubs will remind us how big our hearts are because of the pain in having them crushed.

  3. Wednesday, September 30, 2015

    jim carrey’s girlfriend killed herself, she was 28 

    Cathriona Whitesuicide is a weird deal man. you dont see it coming. and then its there.

    i know, and you know, someone who had tried to commit suicide. we were so in love. she was at the top of her peak of happiness. and she was just 21.

    everything was going beautifully but secretly, deep down, she was saying to herself, “my life has sucked so bad that i want to go out on top and im so happy right now and this joy will soon disappear that i want to end it before that happens.”

    and she drove up a mountain and thought about driving her car off a cliff. but someone was there.

    and she went home and saw a huge bottle of cleaning fluid, called me, left a message saying she was going to see me at dinner. and that she loved me. then she hung up and drank a giant Super Big Gulp cup of the fluid and fell asleep, thinking that she would never wake up again.

    the good news was she did wake up again and she called me and we rushed her to the hospital and she miraculously lived.

    jim carrey and his ex girlfriendthings did not go as well for jim carrey’s on-again off-again girlfriend, Cathriona White. it appears that the pills she took did her in, and she did not wake up.

    we never really know whats going on in the heads of others. even those we are so close to. even those whose eyes we stare into and examine every strafe. trying to peer into the darkness of the pupils.

    we can talk and talk and talk but who knows what theyre not saying, who knows what theyre seeing when we think theyre seeing what we’re seeing.

    but no one sees what we’re seeing.

    holding hands is the sweetest thing but even thats not true. we are not together. we are still miles away. our hands are touching but whats going on in that head? what thoughts are spinning through the mind?

    and what is the devil whispering. constantly. eerily. relentlessly.

    what is the soundtrack repeating?

    is it good? is it hopeful? is it uplifting?

    or is it saying all the saddest negative nonsense it can muster?

    does that endless drumbeat of past gloom pound softly in our soul

    Cathriona Whitestriking at the worst moments

    thumping when we should be laughing

    slicing us with a million cuts?

    its too bad the pope is gone because we need someone here in LA to remind us that this weird little rat race is for the birds. birth school work death was a song, not a path.

    we are here for a brief special guest appearance to enhance the bigger spectacle and

    to be reflections of heavenly love.

    when we obsess over what we want, how things are supposed to be for our lives, we can slide off the path of helpfulness and into selfishness. and that cul-de-sac will only lead to wanting more and more and becoming unsatisfied.

    try to remember the last time you were unsatisfied while helping someone else.


    so today, i invite you to go out of your way to help someone

    in honor of Cathriona

    and love will have the last word.

  4. Thursday, September 17, 2015

    a shout out to my lucky stars 

    poor muslim boycoming back home once a year helps me gain a bit of perspective, as do apps like Time Hop and Facebook’s newish On This Day.

    it helps me realize how fortunate i have been in the 108 years since ive been stumbling around this crust and i want to say thank you to my mom, my friends, all of the nice people behind the scenes at McDonalds and in tv networks.

    youve all given me such a rich life where pretty girls kiss my cheek and big companies fill my bank accounts.

    one of the humbling things about living in the Information Age is your really see how other people live and some are riding high and some are having a tough time just going to school. yesterday i saw a picture of a dad with blood covering his face running through the streets with his little kid and then i saw a copy of a letter from that school in Texas who arrested the young Muslim kid for building a clock to impress his teacher and the teacher thought it was a bomb.

    theres been drama in my life too but nothing like that. in many ways i am just a dude who grew up in the suburbs who got called nigger a few times but big whoop, i was able to literally kick the asses later of those who bullied me and then moved on with my life.

    no seriously one day at school i saw one of the kids bending over to get books out of his locker an i kicked him as hard as i could and ran out to an awaiting school bus.

    rarely are we afforded such opportunities in life, but sometimes i feel like i have been able to get those more than others. and i am grateful.

    for example once in college i was fired and later banned by the editor in chief of my school paper and a few months later was awarded a trophy for the best arts editor in california. how am i not to believe that there are angels looking out for me?

    likewise yesterday after this kid was arrested and suspended for building a freaking clock the president of the usa invited him to the white house and twitter offered him an internship.

    with so many sad stories swirling around, it’s so nice to see that sometimes evil doesnt prevail, flaming lips, and i am a witness to that first hand.

    i dont know why. but i am thankful.

    so thank you.

  5. Wednesday, September 2, 2015

    ive had a good life, it’s ok 

    weirdnesshad dinner the other day with a pretty girl who asked me if i had ever been married.

    i wanted to respond like Long Duck Dong “mallied?”

    some of my friends are married, but my friends dont count because theyre the exceptions to every rule. and even a few of them are getting divorced.

    i am painfully romantic so i have no issues idealistically with a loving bond that lasts forever and ever but when you think about it it’s sorta nuts.

    so even though i havent intentionally avoided that whole business i am somewhat relieved that ive never gone down that path. likewise im glad i never tried heroin.

    im sure theres nice things about having a house and kids and all of that but its also nice to have peace and quiet when you want and wild fun when you want. im not someone who sleeps 12 hours on a saturday but im glad i could if i wanted to. freedom is relatively important to me.

    but with all of that said, i do look back fondly in the archives of this blog and say omg remember that. and i suppose it would be cool to do that with a person, instead of persons.

    even though i loved the persons. even though the persons were all unique and wonderful and challenging in their own ways.

    the question that i ask myself is did i grow more from being influenced by a variety of people more than if it had just been one

    but maybe thats rationalizing. even though its not. my weird little journey has been delightful. i can count the times ive cried on one hand. and most of those didnt have anything to do with women.

    have some of them lied to me, of course. people cray sometimes. am i confounded sometimes? def. but im cray too sometimes. all of this is a bizarre dance where the music changes as do the rules, all the time as the floor shifts. perhaps one reason some choose to marry is so Something in their lives can be stable during the slamdance.

    to me not being married after all these years is like not having a hottub in my front yard. it would be interesting and at times totally blissful. but who knew youd need so many chemicals.

  6. Tuesday, September 1, 2015

    three thoughts from bill murray 

    Bill Murray

    about a year ago the chicago-born comedian was on the howard stern show and they had a really great conversation. here are three interesting little chunks from that chat.

    on being single

    “Well… I do think about that. I do think about that. I’m not sure when I’m getting done here. I have kids—I have children that I’m responsible for—and I enjoy that very much, and that wouldn’t have happened without women. I don’t think I’m lonely. It would be nice to go to some of these things and have a date, have someone to bring along. And to go play golf in Scotland, that would be fun. But there’s a lot that I’m not doing that I need to do—something like working on yourself, self-development, and becoming more connected to myself. I don’t have a problem connecting with people, my problem is connecting with myself. And if I’m not really committing myself really well to that, it’s sort of better that I don’t have another person. I can’t take on another relationship if I’m not taking care of the things I need to take care of the most. What stops us from looking at ourselves is that we’re kind of ugly if we look really hard; we’re not who we think we are, and we’re not as wonderful as we think we are.”

    on what’s great about california

    “In-N-Out Burger is a great hamburger. I remember being in Las Vegas once and for some reason the ride that they give you is a 91-foot limousine, and I said to the [driver], ‘In-N-Out Burger?’ He could barely get this thing through the drive-thru, and while he was in the parking lot trying to get this thing in, I just hopped out and went in. And I tipped him in In-N-Out coupons. It’s a great burger. They do a great job with it. The French fries are made out of real potatoes, the burger is great and you can get it all kinds of ways, and it tastes good. It’s definitely the best franchise burger by a million miles. There’s no comparison. I mean, it’s not even close.”

    on famous whiners

    “I do not like people that complain about being famous, but I say to people, ‘Hey, you want to be rich and famous? Try being rich, and see if that doesn’t cover most of it for you.’ You have a bunch of dough, you can be as kind as you want, and you can be invisible. No one has to know you have a bunch of dough, and you can behave any way you want. You can be a secret kind of person.”

    heres the whole deal:

  7. Friday, July 24, 2015

    never surrender 

    heidi on the red carpeti had lunch yesterday with the glamorous heidi who used to do sales for the la times and metromix. we talked about the good and bad things regarding our favorite local paper and how sad it was that so many of the mistakes would have been so easy to overcome.

    many were rooted in the fundamentals: lack of honest communication, trust, and courage.

    politics plays a big role, which is also sad. and makes me think that all of these things should be taught in high school because they will follow you anywhere you work.

    then she talked about how guys dont want to settle down, and focused on the word settle, which is something i never considered before. the negative of that word means you are deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone who isnt your top choice. but the positive is like what a house does: roots itself into a stronger foundation.

    i dont think anyone should do the negative thing. people should remain optimistic. only be with others who you click with in regards to romantic relationships. there are waaaay too many good souls out there, why sell out for ppl who dont give you butterflies? why commit to those who you’re just going to bicker with forever?

    life is so short, the options are so plentiful, history tells us so much. the stats show how many marriages end in divorce. havent we learned that thats because so many of us get hitched for the wrong reasons?

    never settle when talking about long term commitments.

    my long time blog buddy keira-anne is in town with her new husband and it’s so nice to see that because she held out for the right man for her, she ended up with a solid dude. a fire fighter, a canadian, and a gentleman. it can happen. it Does happen. but it can only happen if you allow the options to make its way to you.

    quiet company plays today in silver lake. they’ll make you believe in greatness.

  8. Monday, July 13, 2015

    i had a girlfriend who hated me 

    thats poisonmaybe more. but her definately.

    she would write me notes telling me she loved me but she was also a huge liar.

    i could tell she hated me because she never complimented me. not even when we talked dirty.

    usually when you talk dirty the girl will say stuff like omg get that monster out of your pants. kiss my neck. i love it when you kiss my neck.

    she wasnt like that. she was all, keep your shirt on. are you seriously proud of that gut?

    she once called me skinny fat because she said i looked skinny when i had clothes on but then fat when i was naked. i laughed.

    when we had sex it was magical and as good as the best sex either of had ever had and that made her mad because she wanted to hate that part of me too but she couldnt.

    it wasnt that i was doing anything differently with her than with all the other thousands of runway models who i’ve known

    but sometimes two bodies just fit.

    the question though is, is that enough?

    i ask because ive also had girlfriends who truly loved me. who gave me gifts and smooches and played with my chest hair and told me never to change.

    the devil would try to convince me that these women were boring and i should boot them out of my presence immediately, because they were insane, obvs.

    and sometimes i would.

    i’d feel bad but not really because how could i love someone who loved me so strongly, moreso than i even loved myself? and deep down what was there really to love except a marvelous collection of baseball cards, old strings of christmas lights and playboy magazines?

    and thats how i met your mother.

  9. Tuesday, June 30, 2015

    what do i look for in a wife 


    shes gotta love pop
    shes gotta love television
    shes gotta love movies
    shes gotta think i look good with my shirt off
    shes gotta realize i love a lot of weird and stupid shit
    other than that
    shes gotta be nice nice nice nice
    or no dice

    meanwhile, i will wheel our soda home from the circle k
    cuz deep down im a gentleman

  10. Friday, June 26, 2015

    why am i so happy this morning? 

    gay marriage legalthe supreme court just legalized gay marriage across the land and i’m super stoked?


    i have no skin in this game.

    i dont even know any gay people


    jk i know lots of gay people and i’m very happy for all of them.

    but im happier for america and people who pay attention to america because this is exactly what this country is supposed to be about


    today we have.

    the cranky ass cranks on the right on the supreme court have outted themselves as being asswipes

    calling people hippies

    and turning their back on what this country was founded on: the pursuit of happiness, freedom, love, liberty, equality

    not politics, not the bible, not conservative jibber jabber

    and most of all, not big government.

    so yes i am thrilled that restrictive, backwards, anti-american discrimination has lost yet another battle under Obama.

    what a week it has been for the president: he busted with the N-word on a podcast, he passed his trade agreement, and now that he has “evolved” in his feelings about gay marriage – so has the court.

    not bad for a half black lame duck with a republican congress.

    let freedom ring, you beautiful hippies.

    it is so ordered