nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, February 10, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do? 

    92its 92 in the shade. what year is this? where are you? where am i? in the hills of beverly. texas tea. black gold.

    its so hot the winter is vacationing here. its so hot el nino was all, nah it’s too hot.

    its so hot my computer really is broken. unrepairable says the repairman.

    its so hot im thinking about putting some grammer things in my words.

    the computer is so on the fritz im writing to you via esp, because i love you.

    the busblogs been rolling for a million years so its seen its fair share of broken computers, effed up internet, injuries.

    you just rub some dirt, tussin, or spit on it and shake it off, theres a game we gotta play.

    former cub Moises Alou used to pee on his hands which i was thinking about doing but i dont think we need to.

    i think i just need to break open my credit card and get that macbook air.

    i was gonna use that money for something extravagant and wonderful.

    like Coachella?

    like SXSW?

    like a waterbed?

    maybe a little computer is the right move after all.

    i do?

  2. Friday, January 22, 2016

    heres the thing about me and love 

    ditkathings start off great. in monopoly you get money, a car or a thimble or a hat, and you get to roll.

    with me, i pretty much already love you. why? who knows, why do you get money in Monopoly? cuz you just do!

    but as time goes by if you treat me poorly i will start not loving you. this can spiral.

    but odds are i love you. this can increase if you make food for me, clean my apartment, treat me like a human, or let me put my hand on your thigh as we drive down PCH.

    i’ll also love you if i just drank a bunch of Mexican Coke.

    or if the Cubs just won a close game.

    or if theres something good playing at the Vista.

    or if someone just hands me a bowl of banana creme pudding.

    or if theres something good on the radio.

    or if the Muffs are about to play the Echoplex

    or if the taco from the taco truck doesnt get me sick.

    or if you text me nudes when i least expect it.

    or if you let me put a washer dryer in my apartment after 15 years of having to go to the coin laundry.

    or if you put Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame where he deserves to be.

    or if you dress like a hooker and get me chinese food on my 30th birthday because im freaked that ive entered old age.

    or if your band truly has a dual guitar attack.

    or if you retweet my tweet instead of like it.

    or if you legalize weed and stop the war on drugs.

    or if you win the super bowl for walter payton.

    or if you love the poor and give them good things.

    or if you skateboard over a broken down car thats on fire.

    or if you make a movie that gives me hope and has me singing the theme song in the parking lot.

    but if you dick me over royally i’ll hold it against you forever even if it kills me first.

  3. Monday, January 18, 2016

    today is martin luther king day 

    Martin Luther King Jr.

    one of Americas greatest heroes.

    a hero not just because of the words he said or the achievements he accomplished,

    but how he did it.

    he didn’t take anyone hostage, he didn’t gather dudes with rifles to occupy federal land, and he didn’t kill anyone in the name of any cause.

    in fact he didn’t threaten anyone with violence. ever.

    just the opposite: he spoke from a place of love.

    love was his secret weapon, but it wasn’t a weapon at all, it was an adhesive.

    love is what unified his message, his dream, and his goal with the hearts of others.

    mlkwhen he was jailed, he didn’t fight, when he was punched, he didn’t punch back, when others around him were struck, he didn’t strike back.

    it was the gutsiest, most punk rock move he could teach: take it.

    love them for they know not what they they’re doing.

    forgive them because they’re actually helping move this thing along.

    it’s painful for me to see elements of this country have such a hard time accepting our first black president, because it shows me how much modern racism exists.

    shrouded simply in politics, but it’s straight up ignorance and fear.

    but dr. king’s ideals hold true just as much now as it did then: take it.

    absorb it with love.

    unite with peace.

    live the example of where we want to go.

    be punk rock

    by being the opposite of the ignorant.

    so learn.

    speak so that others get it.

    and come from a place of kindness.

    we might not ever achieve a smidge of what mlk did individually, but if we simply walk along that path

    together, we’ll get there,

  4. Tuesday, December 22, 2015

    the xbi asked me what i wanted for christmas 

    marilyn and michael

    i said a warhol of marilyn and one of michael

    they said, thats impossible.

    i said, do you know how little is impossible

    we used to think flying to the moon was impossible

    do you even know how wifi works?

    sometimes beautiful women will follow you into your room

    and pull your hands to their breasts and make out with you.


    nothing is impossible.

    there was an annoyingly long silence

    and finally i just said


    and clicked the end button on the dashboard.

  5. Tuesday, October 27, 2015

    “the only love that lasts forever is unrequited love” – woody allen 

    lana del reybecause im a million years old and ive got this buff bod, ive had my share of love affairs.

    and because im a million, and a real life human, i’ve also had some unrequited loves.

    not everything works out. maybe its supposed to be like that.

    maybe the biggest lesson that porn teaches us is: if the boy always gets the girl, it makes for a super boring story.

    i didnt always get the girl. and sometimes when i got her i wondered why i wanted her in the first place (and vice versa).

    one of the best things ive learned about unrequited love is theres lots of it.

    but the question is, does that mean theres lots of potential requited love?

    i say yes.

    but more importantly heres what ive learned about unrequited love.

    ive learned that its the best motivation for working out, cleaning up ones apartment,

    and reading books youd never consider.

    and this, i think, is what separates us from apes.

    if a boy ape likes a girl ape and wants to climb a tree with her but she doesnt wanna, instead she wants to go to the river with a different boy ape

    im pretty sure the first boy ape doesnt start doing pushups and grooming himself in a different way.

    im pretty sure the first boy ape just hops over to a different girl ape and grabs her hand and leads her up a big tree to see the whole forest at sunset.

    sometimes the apes know what the heck they’re doing.

  6. Monday, October 19, 2015

    dear tony, are the cubs slowly breaking our hearts (again)? 

    William Sianis and the goata wise man once said, a fool and his money are soon parted.

    but what about a fool and his heart?

    money is a chumps game, love on the other hand is what its all about.

    love you can take with you. love is a many splendored thing. no matter what wall street decides to do with the imaginary valuation of this piece of paper or that one,

    they can’t do anything about love love love.

    and yet history will tell us that you dont fall in love with certain type of people (rock stars, models, and actors) and you should never trust the cubs winning the world series.

    no one you know has ever seen it happen. and the last time the cubs got super close, half the league was fighting the damn nazis.

    did i fall for the pretty smile that was the hot bats of this latest crop of rookies?


    did i think that all we needed was arrietta and three days of wet weatha?

    who didnt?

    but im also a romantic. i believe that two hearts can beat as one. i trust that despite all the shiny flashy things that can distract the eyes are one thing but the magnetism of love, true love, can not be pulled apart.

    but i am also a fool. who, like jon snow, knows nothing.

    sometimes it doesnt matter who your manager is, who your GM be, how many homers you hit beating the number one team in baseball and before that the number two team, means nothing if youre cursed.

    and if i was the rickets family, the owners of the cubs, i would fill the friendly confines with goats. it should be Goat Day tomorrow. bring a goat, get in free, bring a goat get a hat, bring goat meat get a free Old Style.

    there should be goat shwarmas being sliced up beneath the stands, there should be goat blood shots being poured in the surrounding bars,

    and before the game there should be goat races
    around the bases

    it’s so perfect it even rhymes.

    something needs to change and since my heart wont, something else must. until then we will all wake up on mondays and face the cold hard reality that the cubs will remind us how big our hearts are because of the pain in having them crushed.

  7. Wednesday, September 30, 2015

    jim carrey’s girlfriend killed herself, she was 28 

    Cathriona Whitesuicide is a weird deal man. you dont see it coming. and then its there.

    i know, and you know, someone who had tried to commit suicide. we were so in love. she was at the top of her peak of happiness. and she was just 21.

    everything was going beautifully but secretly, deep down, she was saying to herself, “my life has sucked so bad that i want to go out on top and im so happy right now and this joy will soon disappear that i want to end it before that happens.”

    and she drove up a mountain and thought about driving her car off a cliff. but someone was there.

    and she went home and saw a huge bottle of cleaning fluid, called me, left a message saying she was going to see me at dinner. and that she loved me. then she hung up and drank a giant Super Big Gulp cup of the fluid and fell asleep, thinking that she would never wake up again.

    the good news was she did wake up again and she called me and we rushed her to the hospital and she miraculously lived.

    jim carrey and his ex girlfriendthings did not go as well for jim carrey’s on-again off-again girlfriend, Cathriona White. it appears that the pills she took did her in, and she did not wake up.

    we never really know whats going on in the heads of others. even those we are so close to. even those whose eyes we stare into and examine every strafe. trying to peer into the darkness of the pupils.

    we can talk and talk and talk but who knows what theyre not saying, who knows what theyre seeing when we think theyre seeing what we’re seeing.

    but no one sees what we’re seeing.

    holding hands is the sweetest thing but even thats not true. we are not together. we are still miles away. our hands are touching but whats going on in that head? what thoughts are spinning through the mind?

    and what is the devil whispering. constantly. eerily. relentlessly.

    what is the soundtrack repeating?

    is it good? is it hopeful? is it uplifting?

    or is it saying all the saddest negative nonsense it can muster?

    does that endless drumbeat of past gloom pound softly in our soul

    Cathriona Whitestriking at the worst moments

    thumping when we should be laughing

    slicing us with a million cuts?

    its too bad the pope is gone because we need someone here in LA to remind us that this weird little rat race is for the birds. birth school work death was a song, not a path.

    we are here for a brief special guest appearance to enhance the bigger spectacle and

    to be reflections of heavenly love.

    when we obsess over what we want, how things are supposed to be for our lives, we can slide off the path of helpfulness and into selfishness. and that cul-de-sac will only lead to wanting more and more and becoming unsatisfied.

    try to remember the last time you were unsatisfied while helping someone else.


    so today, i invite you to go out of your way to help someone

    in honor of Cathriona

    and love will have the last word.

  8. Thursday, September 17, 2015

    a shout out to my lucky stars 

    poor muslim boycoming back home once a year helps me gain a bit of perspective, as do apps like Time Hop and Facebook’s newish On This Day.

    it helps me realize how fortunate i have been in the 108 years since ive been stumbling around this crust and i want to say thank you to my mom, my friends, all of the nice people behind the scenes at McDonalds and in tv networks.

    youve all given me such a rich life where pretty girls kiss my cheek and big companies fill my bank accounts.

    one of the humbling things about living in the Information Age is your really see how other people live and some are riding high and some are having a tough time just going to school. yesterday i saw a picture of a dad with blood covering his face running through the streets with his little kid and then i saw a copy of a letter from that school in Texas who arrested the young Muslim kid for building a clock to impress his teacher and the teacher thought it was a bomb.

    theres been drama in my life too but nothing like that. in many ways i am just a dude who grew up in the suburbs who got called nigger a few times but big whoop, i was able to literally kick the asses later of those who bullied me and then moved on with my life.

    no seriously one day at school i saw one of the kids bending over to get books out of his locker an i kicked him as hard as i could and ran out to an awaiting school bus.

    rarely are we afforded such opportunities in life, but sometimes i feel like i have been able to get those more than others. and i am grateful.

    for example once in college i was fired and later banned by the editor in chief of my school paper and a few months later was awarded a trophy for the best arts editor in california. how am i not to believe that there are angels looking out for me?

    likewise yesterday after this kid was arrested and suspended for building a freaking clock the president of the usa invited him to the white house and twitter offered him an internship.

    with so many sad stories swirling around, it’s so nice to see that sometimes evil doesnt prevail, flaming lips, and i am a witness to that first hand.

    i dont know why. but i am thankful.

    so thank you.

  9. Wednesday, September 2, 2015

    ive had a good life, it’s ok 

    weirdnesshad dinner the other day with a pretty girl who asked me if i had ever been married.

    i wanted to respond like Long Duck Dong “mallied?”

    some of my friends are married, but my friends dont count because theyre the exceptions to every rule. and even a few of them are getting divorced.

    i am painfully romantic so i have no issues idealistically with a loving bond that lasts forever and ever but when you think about it it’s sorta nuts.

    so even though i havent intentionally avoided that whole business i am somewhat relieved that ive never gone down that path. likewise im glad i never tried heroin.

    im sure theres nice things about having a house and kids and all of that but its also nice to have peace and quiet when you want and wild fun when you want. im not someone who sleeps 12 hours on a saturday but im glad i could if i wanted to. freedom is relatively important to me.

    but with all of that said, i do look back fondly in the archives of this blog and say omg remember that. and i suppose it would be cool to do that with a person, instead of persons.

    even though i loved the persons. even though the persons were all unique and wonderful and challenging in their own ways.

    the question that i ask myself is did i grow more from being influenced by a variety of people more than if it had just been one

    but maybe thats rationalizing. even though its not. my weird little journey has been delightful. i can count the times ive cried on one hand. and most of those didnt have anything to do with women.

    have some of them lied to me, of course. people cray sometimes. am i confounded sometimes? def. but im cray too sometimes. all of this is a bizarre dance where the music changes as do the rules, all the time as the floor shifts. perhaps one reason some choose to marry is so Something in their lives can be stable during the slamdance.

    to me not being married after all these years is like not having a hottub in my front yard. it would be interesting and at times totally blissful. but who knew youd need so many chemicals.

  10. Tuesday, September 1, 2015

    three thoughts from bill murray 

    Bill Murray

    about a year ago the chicago-born comedian was on the howard stern show and they had a really great conversation. here are three interesting little chunks from that chat.

    on being single

    “Well… I do think about that. I do think about that. I’m not sure when I’m getting done here. I have kids—I have children that I’m responsible for—and I enjoy that very much, and that wouldn’t have happened without women. I don’t think I’m lonely. It would be nice to go to some of these things and have a date, have someone to bring along. And to go play golf in Scotland, that would be fun. But there’s a lot that I’m not doing that I need to do—something like working on yourself, self-development, and becoming more connected to myself. I don’t have a problem connecting with people, my problem is connecting with myself. And if I’m not really committing myself really well to that, it’s sort of better that I don’t have another person. I can’t take on another relationship if I’m not taking care of the things I need to take care of the most. What stops us from looking at ourselves is that we’re kind of ugly if we look really hard; we’re not who we think we are, and we’re not as wonderful as we think we are.”

    on what’s great about california

    “In-N-Out Burger is a great hamburger. I remember being in Las Vegas once and for some reason the ride that they give you is a 91-foot limousine, and I said to the [driver], ‘In-N-Out Burger?’ He could barely get this thing through the drive-thru, and while he was in the parking lot trying to get this thing in, I just hopped out and went in. And I tipped him in In-N-Out coupons. It’s a great burger. They do a great job with it. The French fries are made out of real potatoes, the burger is great and you can get it all kinds of ways, and it tastes good. It’s definitely the best franchise burger by a million miles. There’s no comparison. I mean, it’s not even close.”

    on famous whiners

    “I do not like people that complain about being famous, but I say to people, ‘Hey, you want to be rich and famous? Try being rich, and see if that doesn’t cover most of it for you.’ You have a bunch of dough, you can be as kind as you want, and you can be invisible. No one has to know you have a bunch of dough, and you can behave any way you want. You can be a secret kind of person.”

    heres the whole deal: