nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, September 21, 2017

    dear tony, im so tall what do i do 

    life is a cabaret old chum.

    theres no such thing as average. everyone wants to fall within the boundaries.

    everyone wants to fit in.

    crazy thing is, though is, if you showed me an Average person i probably wouldnt wanna be friends with them.

    in fact, nowadays theres a great phase: BASIC

    no one wants to be that.

    people should fly their freak flags.

    show us the thing that the others dont have.

    the great thing about this is if you can figure out what makes you unique your friends will be able to tell you immediately.

    now heres the tough part:

    if that wild card feature is about something lame like your hair or your clothes or your shoes

    you should probably either change that

    or let out the real thing inside that makes you you.

    because i’ll tell you right now, you are not your shoes

    you are not your hair. and for damn sure you are not your height.

    back before blogs and facebooks and twitters there were AOL chat rooms.

    and in those rooms all you were was your user name. and you could be TallBitch988 but only if you truly wanted to be. usually you were MaryfromLA or something

    and as you chatted with people they got to learn your personality.

    there werent profile pictures or anything that showed who you were visually. it was your ideas.

    yes virginia, for a small sliver of Time, people were not judged by the size of their instep

    but on the quality of their blah blah blah

  2. Tuesday, March 21, 2017

    but tony i love you 

    some people actually do love me and thats sweet.

    it’s hard to believe because i dont see the same person that they see

    to me im still a teenager with a big floppy afro so massive it’s hard to fit a cubs hat over

    im driving around in my grandmas cadillac, windows rolled down, exploring LA for the first time.

    wrong about so many things. but trying to learn.

    even though im so far removed from that, thats how i feel every day and when i see pictures of myself im like who’s grampa is that?

    some things you have control over, some you dont have any.

    so when pretty girls, who you tried week after week after week to have come over to your crib, say they love you, you think to yourself, then why did you make me jump through every hoop there was just to see you for an hour? if you loved me why did you make it so hard? if you loved me, why did everyone else in your life have no problem hanging with you, but for me it was pretty close to impossible?

    the good thing about being as old as dirt is you have actual, real life experience to tap in to. and the best part about being someone who has never been married, is some of that experience revolves around dating.

    and you might know a few things about love.

    when i love someone there are no excuses. i will do everything. there are no obstacles. there are only paths. when i love someone there are no questions, instead a million answers. a variety of solutions. money is not an object, nor is time.

    but when i want to avoid something, there are excuses on excuses on excuses.

    and often there are lies.

    these are the things teenage tony had to learn first hand, the hard way, over years.

    and what old man busblog can write down in seconds.

  3. Tuesday, February 14, 2017

    do i believe in love? 

    of course.

    you dont have to have a boo to be into the magical force that binds us all

    i havent had a girlfriend in a few years for a number of reasons

    most of which i cannot reveal here because nothing in here is true.

    so what happens is every now and then i will get a tap on my window

    or my doorbell will ring a ding ding

    and i will put on my housecoat and flick on the porch light

    and i will see a flowing gown in the distance running away

    and hear a delightful giggle

    and later screeching tires

    i’ll look down on the welcome mat and see a gift box or two

    smelling of perfume and lust.

    inside might be chocolates spiked with molly

    or bananas dipped in butterscotch

    or a nice little bottle of rum

    and two shot glasses that say




    every blue moon one of the courageous ones will stand pat at the door twirling her hair peeping through the peep hole for a sign of light

    and i’ll open the door and invite her in

    one thing will lead to another and there will be dancing

    and laughing

    maybe some merriment

    followed by surprising disappointment.

    a chopper will arrive and swoop her away

    little red Bougainvillea blossoms swirling in the courtyard

    and much later a text begging for a selfie

    which is always obliged.

    so yes i know i get used.

    but thats better than

    a lonely trip to the apple pan.

  4. Sunday, January 22, 2017

    today Ben got married 

    today LA’s favorite son, Ben Sullivan, founder of ScienceBlog.com, soup kitchen hander outer, and all around great guy, got married to equally wonderful Soomi.

    a few weeks ago they took me out to dinner and asked me if i would “speak” at the pre-wedding celebration which was held last night in Kim n Os’s backyard of children and swimming pools. they said i would be the MC of the event which would also include live music from our friends, delicious tacos, and so much booze and friends from literally around the world.

    it was a super special night. the Lord kept the rain from coming down and inspired me to write something that everyone said was good. It was both a tough crowd because they are all amazingly talented writers and an easy crowd because they had been drinking for a good hour before i got the Mr. Microphone.

    here’s a transcript of my sermon/speech/toast thing

    Love love love love love
    All you need is love
    Love is a battlefield
    Love is an elevator
    There’s ups, theres downs. The doors slide open to a new floor, you roam around and you get lost on it. Alone.
    But if you’re lucky either a door opens or you have the courage to knock on one.
    And magic happens.  Love!
    And changes everything.
    You can’t sleep, theres a skip in your step, you’re suddenly singing along to the radio.
    Your fruit punch soda tastes bubblier
    Your burritos taste guacamolier.
    Even the birds in the trees and the barking dogs in the alley seem to be saying fuck yeah buddies.
    Fuck yeah.
    We are in this beautiful backyard tonight to celebrate the bubblier fruit punch soda that is Soomi and Ben.
    We are the birds in the trees who will always be around them as more than just witnesses — but as supporters
    And inspiration, and quiet protection for their special union.
    Not that it’s needed, but because we love them and are inspired ourselves.
    Soomi comes to us from Jin Hay Goo, South Korea in the Dirty South Eastern part of the proud country.
    Jin Hay is known for it’s 10-day Blossom Festival in the Spring when all the pretty girls of town go out to the square with cute little bouquets of blossoms and call out
    Which, weirdly, is Korean for Tony.
    Recently the neighboring cities of Changwon and Masan joined Jin Hay to make a bigger, stronger city
    and in a way that’s whats happening here.
    Benjamin J. Sullivan was born in Staten Island, NY
    true story
    He came to California to sing for Guns n Roses but when he saw Axl in person he was all ok all right.
    But he continued his love of music.
    The other day I asked Ben if there was any song that reminded him of his fiancee? He said Either Cindy Laupler’s True Colors or Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
    He continued:
    Which coincidentally both involve colors. Which may be because “the world before Soomi went from a perfectly acceptable but somewhat muted sepiatone to one that is so much richer and bright, and, well, what’s the synonym for colorful? Whatever it is: that.”
    A few days after that I asked Soomi when did she first have the hots for Ben?
    She said on their third date – somebody was counting – they went to a dinner theater. Dinner Theater? BEN!
    But it was very funny, reportedly, and she was laughing and he was laughing and she looked at him and saw his eyes wrinkled and thought it was adorable.
    Ben says that the thing he loves most about Soomi is her “open heart to others.
    “Those who obviously need it, like the lonely neighbor, or men and women on Skid Row, or the less obvious who need it but whom she can just tell.”
    We all know Ben also has a huge heart, the longtime president of the nicest guy in america competition,
    Soomi says she fell for Ben in an unusual but beautiful way.
    “I sent him a paper my friend had just published on the economics of microbial trade.”
    I had to Google it too. It broke Google.
    But Soomi said, “Ben wrote me back and said ‘when you send me things like this it makes me recognize that I’m more than a little bit in love with you.”
    And she said at that point she couldn’t deny that she was in love with him too.
    Last August they were on vacation. They were going to a fancy seafood restaurant in Carlsbad.
    Soomi said, “He insisted on putting on a coat. When we left the hotel, he was obviously so nervous that he could not make any eye contact with me. So I knew it was probably coming, so I thought I would stay cool up until the time comes.”
    But when he popped the question she was totally overwhelmed.
    Here’s to their champagne always tasting bubblier.
  5. Wednesday, October 5, 2016

    every day i drive to beverly hills through hollywood 

    come witha few blocks south of Paramount Pictures,

    a movie and tv studio, that among other things, shoots stories about super heroes

    are some real heroes that, when i see them,

    make me cry inside.

    i resist telling this to you because i dont want you to cry.

    but today i was feeling especially emotional for some reason,

    and when i saw them, i seriously considered jumping out of my car and hugging all of them.

    every day i drive by a school for blind kids. little kids. maybe 6, 7 years old.

    and theyre out on the fucked up LA sidewalks, arched due to old tree roots, and they have great big smiles and cute little dresses or sweaters with Lego characters on em

    and folding walking canes with the red tips.

    next to them are the heroes. young men and women with great patience showing them how to get around with their walking sticks.

    and im telling you the kids are sooooo happy. they dont know the trees are changing colors or the sky is ridiculously california blue or that my car needs a wash.

    all they know is they’re seeing the world in this new way, right now. and theyre beaming. some are laughing. and the heros are laughing too.

    so today i was at a stop sign by the school and i wanted to roll down the window and just yell I LOVE WHAT YOURE DOING, FUCK YEAH RIGHT ON FUCK YEAH GO CUBS!

    but i didnt wanna startle the little ones or kill their vibe. they didnt need me.

    so when i wrote what i wrote earlier today about our highest good is being of service to others, thats almost exactly what i was talking about

    except maybe not as dramatic as literally helping the blind.

    but helping.

    and you know its working when you see the gigantic smile on both yr faces.

  6. Friday, September 9, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do 

    avril lavigne

    im about to have a big birthday. i dont even know what im gonna do. but i will give thanks because im thankful.

    ive met some of the most amazing people in the world.

    ive kissed some of the greatest young ladies ever made.

    the things ive dranken and eaten and seen and participated in.

    youd never think a scrawny kid from the burbs in illinois would have had quite a life

    but it happened. and a lot of it happened thanks to writing and blogging and

    going outside and seeing what happens.

    but the secret to all of it was

    other people.

    and that is why i am so grateful.

    no one can fly on their own.

    everyone has to lift each other.

    everyone has to figure things out first and then the coolness comes.

    people built the roads, literally, people invented the framework

    people accept you and give you access and share secrets and work with you

    hopefully all for the same reason:

    to continue the improvements of everything.

    so thank you for everyone for either literally helping

    or being a great inspiration

    neither of which should be underestimated.

    gracias, madre.

  7. Wednesday, August 24, 2016

    the cincinnati zoo killed its twitter just like they killed Harambe 

    cincy zooeven though i have been doing social media for a long time, i dont fancy myself as an expert.

    sure there are some who call themselves Social Media Gurus but i have always thought that was a not-so-subtle way to belittle the profession by not equating it to what other people do in similar jobs.

    i prefer Social Media Editor or Social Media Director.

    or in my case, Prince of Darkness.

    which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo, who you may know as the establishment that found its way into the news cycle in May of this year when a 3-year-old child ended up in the cage of a giant gorilla named Harambe.

    all the photos and videos showed the gorilla being kind to the little kid as he dragged him toward a moat. within minutes, zoo officials shot and killed the gorilla.

    the child was found to be unhurt. and the internet erupted in anger and sadness at the zoo for killing the beautiful animal who did nothing wrong.  over a half million signatures were gathered in days demanding Justice for Harambe. donations were raised for the family of the child but the family re-directed them to the zoo.

    which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo’s Twitter account which has been the target of Harambe fans, particularly young fans who couldnt give a crap about Clinton or Trump but who care very much about the dead gorilla who was executed because of a curious three year old whose parents looked the other way for a brief second.

    over the last few months, any time the Zoo would post something on Twitter, the replies would quickly fly in to make it something about the dead ape.

    if the zoo wrote about an Otter, fans would reply by tweeting “Harambe loved otters”.

    repliesif the zoo tweeted about a weasel, the Twitterverse would reply by stating how much Harambe fucking adored all of his rodent friends.

    at one point the Zoo had enough and pleaded for the madness to end, but you can’t tell the Internet what to do any more than you can tell a gorilla not to eat a banana.

    so today the Zoo did the absolute worst thing it could do in this situation,

    they decided to delete the troublesome Twitter account.

    and the response was predictably brilliant.

    “the @CincinnatiZoo killed its Twitter, just like how they killed Harambe,” the kids tweeted.

    some are taking it a step further by writing

    “the @CincinnatiZoo just Harambed their Twitter just like how they Harambed Harambe.”

    because this world is so complex and confusing, it’s hard to really KNOW anything.

    but one thing we know for sure is Harambe loved Twitter especially the Cincinnati Zoo’s twitter account because that was the first place to feature him.

    and even though i’m no expert, even i know you don’t delete your account because people are interacting with you. Interaction is what it’s all about! if you were a sailor on a sailboat and all of a sudden there’s a lot of wind you don’t stop sailing. You sail faster! You thank the Lord for the wind and you zip around that ocean like crazy.

    what the kids were doing was loving one of your animals. Let them do it! Include them! Join in the weird mourning. Make every other post about how much Harambe loved weasels and goats and giraffes and tiger sharks.

    don’t quit.

    not even donald trump quits.

    never quit!

    did Harambe quit?!

    we were put on this crust to rock. in some cases we were put here to rock out with our cocks out. or in this case we celebrate by saying #DicksOutForHarambe

    which is Latin for #WeMissYouBub

    (Harambe loved Latin)

    so in summary, stop killing zoo animals and stop deleting your social media feeds no matter who tweets at you.

    all they’re doing is expressing love.

  8. Friday, July 8, 2016

    zulieka’s unstrung 

    zuliekaan excerpt from her blog this morning:

    I watched Freddy in the shower today; he is packed and moving out tomorrow. I think he is relieved. I watched him soap up, closely, measuring his shoulders among other features. I handed him a towel and wanted to dry him off myself, which he hates. I feel like he’s going off to a war zone. I thought I would be relieved too, but I am very sad. I don’t know what it is we are saying goodbye to–I don’t know who he is anymore. I’m sad that we once shared our dreams with each other, and then did not fight together to keep them alive.

    The truth is, the separation is going to be easier for him, and even beneficial. He will be relieved of my corrosive criticism. Everyone thinks I’ll be just fine except they are worried that I’m going to be totally broke. My ten-year-old daughter said “Mom, how are you going to pay rent without Dad? I think you’re being naive.”

    there was a time when i proudly said how all of my friends who got married were still married. then this one got divorced then that one then over the last couple years a bunch of them split up.

    at first i thought that we, many of whom were raised in divorced homes, had figured it out.

    but as it turns out, two people, who are hopefully continuing to grow, sometimes grow apart.

    i suppose it’s normal to feel a bit like a failure when the happily ever after doesnt come true but in what part of our lives has forever-ever really been forever-ever?

    remember when they told us that CDs could never get damaged?

    i change my mind a half dozen times on a variety of things while driving from work to home every night: what im going to eat, what im going to drink, what im gonna watch on tv, which playmate im going to woo, which cubs hat im going to wear to bed.

    how on earth did we ever expect two people, with equally changeable minds to change in unison?

    the only way it would have worked would have been if the pair got married at 18, had kids at 21 and died at 39.

    sadly we live a little longer than that these days.

    i have seen people i never thought would ever even fight get divorced

    and i have seen people who i never thought would last a second date stick together.

    life is a crazy random illogical always surprising series of WTFs that sometimes ends with a warm body in your bed forever who you dont hate.

    if you can sprinkle some love in there too

    then you are the luckiest person on your block.

    something tells me that zulieka will soon be filthy with men

    who will gladly offer to dole some WTFs her way.

    lets hope she chooses to write about it.

  9. Wednesday, July 6, 2016

    today is National Kissing Day, so let’s rejoice 

    me jeanine and welch kissingmy first kiss: Angela Romano in 6th grade after a fortuitious spin the bottle turn. We went into the bathroom, turned off the lights, and bumped heads. We turned back on the lights, repositioned, turned off the lights and whammo! my life was changed forever.

    a couple of summers later i kissed sisters. first Diane at the pool then her sister Heather at a party about a week later. when it rains it pours.

    my first time kissing a girlfriend was mary. i needed to build up courage so i waited for something good to play on the car radio. when Tom Petty’s “Breakdown” came on, it was game on.

    girls ive kissed in mexico: two – jeanine (pictured) and the truest, maybe a decade apart.

    girls ive kissed in europe: two – the dutch girl and the truest. one in holland the other in several countries.

    girls i kissed in college: maybe 20 of them?

    girls i kissed in college while high off cough syrup while rolling down a hill: kelly o’mara at anisq’Oyo’ Park

    kissed a chinese girl? yes: in frisco

    kissed a japanese girl? yes: Linda, in IV

    kissed a korean girl? yes: in LA

    kissed an indian girl? yes: in frisco

    kissed a black girl and a white girl? yes: oh Canada!

    kissed nine girls in the same night? isla vista baby!

    kissed a girl in the car and then told her she was bad at kissing? yes, twice

    kissed a jewish girl? oh yea

    kissed a redhead? come on of course!

    first time a girl bit my tongue on purpose: myra

    kissed a girl with a tongue pierce? san diego

    kissed a girl i later regretted?

    no ragrets


  10. Thursday, June 9, 2016

    she said my whole life has been a lie. will you marry me? 

    tightrope wedding

    i said do you renounce your past?

    she said yes YES!

    i said do you take back all the horrible things youve said about me?

    she said oh god yes!

    i said will you go back in time with me?

    she said ummmm sure!

    i said will you go back in time with me and get hitched in Europe?

    she said, fuck yeah

    i said will you get married on a tightrope with me in the past when everything was black and white?

    she said this is exactly why i want you.

    i said, wait till you see where we go for the honeymoon