nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, October 5, 2016

    every day i drive to beverly hills through hollywood 

    come witha few blocks south of Paramount Pictures,

    a movie and tv studio, that among other things, shoots stories about super heroes

    are some real heroes that, when i see them,

    make me cry inside.

    i resist telling this to you because i dont want you to cry.

    but today i was feeling especially emotional for some reason,

    and when i saw them, i seriously considered jumping out of my car and hugging all of them.

    every day i drive by a school for blind kids. little kids. maybe 6, 7 years old.

    and theyre out on the fucked up LA sidewalks, arched due to old tree roots, and they have great big smiles and cute little dresses or sweaters with Lego characters on em

    and folding walking canes with the red tips.

    next to them are the heroes. young men and women with great patience showing them how to get around with their walking sticks.

    and im telling you the kids are sooooo happy. they dont know the trees are changing colors or the sky is ridiculously california blue or that my car needs a wash.

    all they know is they’re seeing the world in this new way, right now. and theyre beaming. some are laughing. and the heros are laughing too.

    so today i was at a stop sign by the school and i wanted to roll down the window and just yell I LOVE WHAT YOURE DOING, FUCK YEAH RIGHT ON FUCK YEAH GO CUBS!

    but i didnt wanna startle the little ones or kill their vibe. they didnt need me.

    so when i wrote what i wrote earlier today about our highest good is being of service to others, thats almost exactly what i was talking about

    except maybe not as dramatic as literally helping the blind.

    but helping.

    and you know its working when you see the gigantic smile on both yr faces.

  2. Friday, September 9, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do 

    avril lavigne

    im about to have a big birthday. i dont even know what im gonna do. but i will give thanks because im thankful.

    ive met some of the most amazing people in the world.

    ive kissed some of the greatest young ladies ever made.

    the things ive dranken and eaten and seen and participated in.

    youd never think a scrawny kid from the burbs in illinois would have had quite a life

    but it happened. and a lot of it happened thanks to writing and blogging and

    going outside and seeing what happens.

    but the secret to all of it was

    other people.

    and that is why i am so grateful.

    no one can fly on their own.

    everyone has to lift each other.

    everyone has to figure things out first and then the coolness comes.

    people built the roads, literally, people invented the framework

    people accept you and give you access and share secrets and work with you

    hopefully all for the same reason:

    to continue the improvements of everything.

    so thank you for everyone for either literally helping

    or being a great inspiration

    neither of which should be underestimated.

    gracias, madre.

  3. Wednesday, August 24, 2016

    the cincinnati zoo killed its twitter just like they killed Harambe 

    cincy zooeven though i have been doing social media for a long time, i dont fancy myself as an expert.

    sure there are some who call themselves Social Media Gurus but i have always thought that was a not-so-subtle way to belittle the profession by not equating it to what other people do in similar jobs.

    i prefer Social Media Editor or Social Media Director.

    or in my case, Prince of Darkness.

    which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo, who you may know as the establishment that found its way into the news cycle in May of this year when a 3-year-old child ended up in the cage of a giant gorilla named Harambe.

    all the photos and videos showed the gorilla being kind to the little kid as he dragged him toward a moat. within minutes, zoo officials shot and killed the gorilla.

    the child was found to be unhurt. and the internet erupted in anger and sadness at the zoo for killing the beautiful animal who did nothing wrong.  over a half million signatures were gathered in days demanding Justice for Harambe. donations were raised for the family of the child but the family re-directed them to the zoo.

    which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo’s Twitter account which has been the target of Harambe fans, particularly young fans who couldnt give a crap about Clinton or Trump but who care very much about the dead gorilla who was executed because of a curious three year old whose parents looked the other way for a brief second.

    over the last few months, any time the Zoo would post something on Twitter, the replies would quickly fly in to make it something about the dead ape.

    if the zoo wrote about an Otter, fans would reply by tweeting “Harambe loved otters”.

    repliesif the zoo tweeted about a weasel, the Twitterverse would reply by stating how much Harambe fucking adored all of his rodent friends.

    at one point the Zoo had enough and pleaded for the madness to end, but you can’t tell the Internet what to do any more than you can tell a gorilla not to eat a banana.

    so today the Zoo did the absolute worst thing it could do in this situation,

    they decided to delete the troublesome Twitter account.

    and the response was predictably brilliant.

    “the @CincinnatiZoo killed its Twitter, just like how they killed Harambe,” the kids tweeted.

    some are taking it a step further by writing

    “the @CincinnatiZoo just Harambed their Twitter just like how they Harambed Harambe.”

    because this world is so complex and confusing, it’s hard to really KNOW anything.

    but one thing we know for sure is Harambe loved Twitter especially the Cincinnati Zoo’s twitter account because that was the first place to feature him.

    and even though i’m no expert, even i know you don’t delete your account because people are interacting with you. Interaction is what it’s all about! if you were a sailor on a sailboat and all of a sudden there’s a lot of wind you don’t stop sailing. You sail faster! You thank the Lord for the wind and you zip around that ocean like crazy.

    what the kids were doing was loving one of your animals. Let them do it! Include them! Join in the weird mourning. Make every other post about how much Harambe loved weasels and goats and giraffes and tiger sharks.

    don’t quit.

    not even donald trump quits.

    never quit!

    did Harambe quit?!

    we were put on this crust to rock. in some cases we were put here to rock out with our cocks out. or in this case we celebrate by saying #DicksOutForHarambe

    which is Latin for #WeMissYouBub

    (Harambe loved Latin)

    so in summary, stop killing zoo animals and stop deleting your social media feeds no matter who tweets at you.

    all they’re doing is expressing love.

  4. Friday, July 8, 2016

    zulieka’s unstrung 

    zuliekaan excerpt from her blog this morning:

    I watched Freddy in the shower today; he is packed and moving out tomorrow. I think he is relieved. I watched him soap up, closely, measuring his shoulders among other features. I handed him a towel and wanted to dry him off myself, which he hates. I feel like he’s going off to a war zone. I thought I would be relieved too, but I am very sad. I don’t know what it is we are saying goodbye to–I don’t know who he is anymore. I’m sad that we once shared our dreams with each other, and then did not fight together to keep them alive.

    The truth is, the separation is going to be easier for him, and even beneficial. He will be relieved of my corrosive criticism. Everyone thinks I’ll be just fine except they are worried that I’m going to be totally broke. My ten-year-old daughter said “Mom, how are you going to pay rent without Dad? I think you’re being naive.”

    there was a time when i proudly said how all of my friends who got married were still married. then this one got divorced then that one then over the last couple years a bunch of them split up.

    at first i thought that we, many of whom were raised in divorced homes, had figured it out.

    but as it turns out, two people, who are hopefully continuing to grow, sometimes grow apart.

    i suppose it’s normal to feel a bit like a failure when the happily ever after doesnt come true but in what part of our lives has forever-ever really been forever-ever?

    remember when they told us that CDs could never get damaged?

    i change my mind a half dozen times on a variety of things while driving from work to home every night: what im going to eat, what im going to drink, what im gonna watch on tv, which playmate im going to woo, which cubs hat im going to wear to bed.

    how on earth did we ever expect two people, with equally changeable minds to change in unison?

    the only way it would have worked would have been if the pair got married at 18, had kids at 21 and died at 39.

    sadly we live a little longer than that these days.

    i have seen people i never thought would ever even fight get divorced

    and i have seen people who i never thought would last a second date stick together.

    life is a crazy random illogical always surprising series of WTFs that sometimes ends with a warm body in your bed forever who you dont hate.

    if you can sprinkle some love in there too

    then you are the luckiest person on your block.

    something tells me that zulieka will soon be filthy with men

    who will gladly offer to dole some WTFs her way.

    lets hope she chooses to write about it.

  5. Wednesday, July 6, 2016

    today is National Kissing Day, so let’s rejoice 

    me jeanine and welch kissingmy first kiss: Angela Romano in 6th grade after a fortuitious spin the bottle turn. We went into the bathroom, turned off the lights, and bumped heads. We turned back on the lights, repositioned, turned off the lights and whammo! my life was changed forever.

    a couple of summers later i kissed sisters. first Diane at the pool then her sister Heather at a party about a week later. when it rains it pours.

    my first time kissing a girlfriend was mary. i needed to build up courage so i waited for something good to play on the car radio. when Tom Petty’s “Breakdown” came on, it was game on.

    girls ive kissed in mexico: two – jeanine (pictured) and the truest, maybe a decade apart.

    girls ive kissed in europe: two – the dutch girl and the truest. one in holland the other in several countries.

    girls i kissed in college: maybe 20 of them?

    girls i kissed in college while high off cough syrup while rolling down a hill: kelly o’mara at anisq’Oyo’ Park

    kissed a chinese girl? yes: in frisco

    kissed a japanese girl? yes: Linda, in IV

    kissed a korean girl? yes: in LA

    kissed an indian girl? yes: in frisco

    kissed a black girl and a white girl? yes: oh Canada!

    kissed nine girls in the same night? isla vista baby!

    kissed a girl in the car and then told her she was bad at kissing? yes, twice

    kissed a jewish girl? oh yea

    kissed a redhead? come on of course!

    first time a girl bit my tongue on purpose: myra

    kissed a girl with a tongue pierce? san diego

    kissed a girl i later regretted?

    no ragrets


  6. Thursday, June 9, 2016

    she said my whole life has been a lie. will you marry me? 

    tightrope wedding

    i said do you renounce your past?

    she said yes YES!

    i said do you take back all the horrible things youve said about me?

    she said oh god yes!

    i said will you go back in time with me?

    she said ummmm sure!

    i said will you go back in time with me and get hitched in Europe?

    she said, fuck yeah

    i said will you get married on a tightrope with me in the past when everything was black and white?

    she said this is exactly why i want you.

    i said, wait till you see where we go for the honeymoon

  7. Saturday, May 21, 2016

    fuck radio, fuck mtv for abandoning us all 

    fuck ticketmaster fuck the dh fuck cancer

    but one thing they can never take from us

    even when they cant figure out a way to strip all the art from it

    in their tireless attempt to suck all the money out of it

    is rock and roll.

    a guitar and a voice.

    there is a spirit that comes straight down from heaven into us all

    people have different words for it

    and at its roots it is love.

    and it manifests in that contagious chorus

    that is so natural at it’s heart

    which is why it heals us there

    so we can then take on what needs to get done.

    rock on little girl

    and rock on florence and the machine.

  8. Monday, March 28, 2016

    jon lovitz is dating a woman 31 years younger than he is 

    jon lovitzand i say Mazel Tov

    age aint nothing than a number especially when love is involved.

    there was a time when i was dating a much younger woman and some friends would ask what do you two talk about

    i said, what do you and i talk about?

    do we talk about bonds and hemoroid creams?


    neither does me and my teen gf.

    im sure jon and his babe talk about all the normal things normal people talk about:

    movies, donald trump, the effect of canada’s weak pound compared to the yen, who is going to pay $100 to see the Lakers next year when theres no Kobe, do i look fat in these overalls, when was the last time you heard a lead guitar in a pop song in the Top 40, where can a man get a cheap iphone charger cable for less than a thousand dollars?

    we are all humans just trying to love and be loved and who doesnt wanna be with someone smart and funny if youre a woman and smart and sexy if youre a man?

    life is short. love lives are shorter. i say have fun, tip your uber drivers and love with all your heart until you die.

    update: it was all a hoax. love is dead

  9. Wednesday, March 23, 2016
  10. Wednesday, March 16, 2016

    thanksgiving in march 

    canon girlevery now and then its good to count one’s blessings.

    i’ll start.

    i’m healthy as a horse. a not-sick horse. i dont think ive been sick in over a year.

    my back is better after my trip to arizona and the hot tub aerobics i did there that one day.

    the cubs are gonna win the world series. im gonna see bruuuuuuuce with my buddy greg on saturday.

    im going hiking with a pretty girl this weekend. i have a cool car. i have a messy room but no one cares.

    i have a fun job where i learn every day. i get to listen to great music and talk to the smartest people.

    i have a balanced budget. my college girlfriend makes great food for me almost every day.

    it’s 80 degrees here today and for lunch we’re gonna have tacos and booze and then dessert.

    my side job is fun, i meet the coolest people and drive around the greatest town south of isla vista.

    i have three tvs, actual high speed internet, so much candy it’s like it’s halloween.

    and i have the greatest friends in the world who try to make my life even better

    and i super totally appreciate that. a lot!

    wanna see something funny? today is Jerry Lewis’ 90th birthday

    there was a time when the Oscars didn’t run over, in fact in 1959 it went short

    so the producers asked Jerry to stretch for like 5 minutes,

    the results, as you could imagine, were very funny