nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, July 24, 2015

    never surrender 

    heidi on the red carpeti had lunch yesterday with the glamorous heidi who used to do sales for the la times and metromix. we talked about the good and bad things regarding our favorite local paper and how sad it was that so many of the mistakes would have been so easy to overcome.

    many were rooted in the fundamentals: lack of honest communication, trust, and courage.

    politics plays a big role, which is also sad. and makes me think that all of these things should be taught in high school because they will follow you anywhere you work.

    then she talked about how guys dont want to settle down, and focused on the word settle, which is something i never considered before. the negative of that word means you are deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone who isnt your top choice. but the positive is like what a house does: roots itself into a stronger foundation.

    i dont think anyone should do the negative thing. people should remain optimistic. only be with others who you click with in regards to romantic relationships. there are waaaay too many good souls out there, why sell out for ppl who dont give you butterflies? why commit to those who you’re just going to bicker with forever?

    life is so short, the options are so plentiful, history tells us so much. the stats show how many marriages end in divorce. havent we learned that thats because so many of us get hitched for the wrong reasons?

    never settle when talking about long term commitments.

    my long time blog buddy keira-anne is in town with her new husband and it’s so nice to see that because she held out for the right man for her, she ended up with a solid dude. a fire fighter, a canadian, and a gentleman. it can happen. it Does happen. but it can only happen if you allow the options to make its way to you.

    quiet company plays today in silver lake. they’ll make you believe in greatness.

  2. Monday, July 13, 2015

    i had a girlfriend who hated me 

    thats poisonmaybe more. but her definately.

    she would write me notes telling me she loved me but she was also a huge liar.

    i could tell she hated me because she never complimented me. not even when we talked dirty.

    usually when you talk dirty the girl will say stuff like omg get that monster out of your pants. kiss my neck. i love it when you kiss my neck.

    she wasnt like that. she was all, keep your shirt on. are you seriously proud of that gut?

    she once called me skinny fat because she said i looked skinny when i had clothes on but then fat when i was naked. i laughed.

    when we had sex it was magical and as good as the best sex either of had ever had and that made her mad because she wanted to hate that part of me too but she couldnt.

    it wasnt that i was doing anything differently with her than with all the other thousands of runway models who i’ve known

    but sometimes two bodies just fit.

    the question though is, is that enough?

    i ask because ive also had girlfriends who truly loved me. who gave me gifts and smooches and played with my chest hair and told me never to change.

    the devil would try to convince me that these women were boring and i should boot them out of my presence immediately, because they were insane, obvs.

    and sometimes i would.

    i’d feel bad but not really because how could i love someone who loved me so strongly, moreso than i even loved myself? and deep down what was there really to love except a marvelous collection of baseball cards, old strings of christmas lights and playboy magazines?

    and thats how i met your mother.

  3. Tuesday, June 30, 2015

    what do i look for in a wife 


    shes gotta love pop
    shes gotta love television
    shes gotta love movies
    shes gotta think i look good with my shirt off
    shes gotta realize i love a lot of weird and stupid shit
    other than that
    shes gotta be nice nice nice nice
    or no dice

    meanwhile, i will wheel our soda home from the circle k
    cuz deep down im a gentleman

  4. Friday, June 26, 2015

    why am i so happy this morning? 

    gay marriage legalthe supreme court just legalized gay marriage across the land and i’m super stoked?


    i have no skin in this game.

    i dont even know any gay people


    jk i know lots of gay people and i’m very happy for all of them.

    but im happier for america and people who pay attention to america because this is exactly what this country is supposed to be about


    today we have.

    the cranky ass cranks on the right on the supreme court have outted themselves as being asswipes

    calling people hippies

    and turning their back on what this country was founded on: the pursuit of happiness, freedom, love, liberty, equality

    not politics, not the bible, not conservative jibber jabber

    and most of all, not big government.

    so yes i am thrilled that restrictive, backwards, anti-american discrimination has lost yet another battle under Obama.

    what a week it has been for the president: he busted with the N-word on a podcast, he passed his trade agreement, and now that he has “evolved” in his feelings about gay marriage – so has the court.

    not bad for a half black lame duck with a republican congress.

    let freedom ring, you beautiful hippies.

    it is so ordered

  5. Tuesday, June 2, 2015

    the thing you should know about me is 

    townsend and jimi and the who

    im full of love. love for all things and all people. i love all music thats actual music and art thats art.

    who decides whats actual and whats real? me. i am also judge and jury. of love. and realness.

    this is a burden and gets in the way of the love that feels the need to come out of me,

    but i make due.

    the good book is my favorite book and it says over and over not to judge but come on

    who are we kidding. when you see the who or jimi or keith moon doing their thing

    then you see a bunch of knuckleheads, what are you supposed to do?


    sorry charlie, suddenly i feel its time to judge, against my will. it’s terrible. it makes me sad.

    but then i open my eyes to the stars or the grass or simpler things, like phil collins

    and i laugh. keep laughing the voices say, it’s like food for your heart of love.

    and of course theyre right. all the voices. all the critics. and the feels.

    cuz y not.

  6. Saturday, April 4, 2015
  7. Monday, January 19, 2015

    is fear your friend or your foe 

    wolf of wall streetwhen i look around my apartment and wonder why i dont have a house i think about two things, three really, that are keeping me back.

    and theyre all crazy.

    the first is the lottery. for some reason i think one day imma win the big grand prize and buy a house on the hill in hollywood with an infinity pool.

    the feeling is so real i wonder if in a past life i won the lottery and bought a house and had a former porn star maid who wore great clothes, dusted from time to time but mostly floated around the pool reading the wall street journal.

    the second is a series of books. for some reason whenever i feel like i need a million bucks i need to write a few books like how bukowski did and move to san pedro. but then theres this voice in my head that says “dont you forget, you hate writing books, and youre tired of them, and they take so long, and theyre painful. and btw you suck at writing anything longer than what would fit on a post card.”

    and then i think fine, i will make a book of post card love letters to random ladies.

    the third is marrying rich. but i dont wanna get married. im sure i would get bored within minutes, even if she was super rich. and im positive i would bore her too.

    to me the worst thing in the world is to be bored. life is a miracle. id rather read the web and my books and watch tv and drive LA around LA all day than be in a relationship where i wasnt stimulated by the person i was shacked up with.

    even if she was a zillionaire. especially if she was a zillionaire bc i bet she would have interesting friends who would give us tips on how to remodel our mcmansion, which doesnt need any damn remodeling. and who would saunter over during the day when i was supposed to be writing and she would float in the pool with the x pornstar maid and theyd talk about what they read in the wall street journal and yell at me to look up and judge their high diving contest.

    and id say we dont have a high dive

    and theyd say, we are high, and we’re gonna dive, so judge us.

    and thats why everyone wants to marry rich. but we all know that never works out.

    why? because no one wants to be the silver medalist. which is who you are when you dont fall fall fall into omg i love you love.

  8. Sunday, January 18, 2015

    drove a couple on their first date through hollywood last night 

    sad katie is sad because of the green bay packershe was strikingly handsome and confident and in control.

    it was closing time and all the younguns were huddled on the curbs waiting for their rides to pick them up.

    they were arguing because she wanted to head to her apartment real quick to take a leak and grab a sweater and he wanted to pick up his guy friend.

    because i was raised right i told them both that i would drive to the lady’s house

    because shes a lady and we as gentlemen should honor that.

    fuckit if he gave me a one star rating.

    as we waited outside her pad he explained to me what he was up to: they were headed to a hollywood hills after party and the friend was a buddy who had cocaine and he didn’t want to miss the chance to meet up with him.

    meanwhile she was “just a” Tinder date. he had an exwife in town and an exgirfriend he still wasnt over who lived out of town.

    as he told me these tales and showed me pictures on his phone of the beautiful women he was juggling, i couldnt but help thinking about katie’s post last week about how hard it is for a single girl to get a handsome man in LA to not be a selfish asswipe.

    because it’s true. even if you’re not a handsome player, LA is awash in spectacular women of all sorts from all around the world who are down for whatever, because why not, we’re in LA.

    i have no advice for anyone, for once. except for this: love is the most elusive butterfly. you never know where it will land or how long it will loiter there.

    if you grab at it you might kill it, and if you think you’re clever enough to predict it’s next move you’re actually cray.

    so just do your best to do the impossible: enjoy the crazy dance.

    and if that’s hard, then enjoy the beautiful music playing.

  9. Monday, June 30, 2014
  10. Monday, June 16, 2014

    got a hundred dollar check in the mail and i wanna buy sushi 


    today was a pretty fun day, the boss made us have a meeting at a restaurant

    where the world cup was playing because he knew some of us would be distracted


    the meeting wasnt till 3pm so i went to the food trucks for fish and saw these funny signs


    kurt cobain called me on my cell he was all, tony when are you gonna write another novella about me

    i said all you had to do was ask buddy


    then he told me to go to the Replacements instagram and i saw that theyre playing in NYC

    and i was all man o man i really should go see that show IN A TENNIS COURT


    learned that churro ice cream sandwiches are a new thing in LA but only in Los Feliz



    learned that Tony Gwynn died at 54 years old this morning. only Padre i cared about.

    sweetest guy. best black MLB hitter since maybe ever. unless you count Barry Bonds

    but why would you count him? didn’t Gwynn get fat and bulky as he got older too?

    anyways as i looked up Gwynns crazy numbers in the record books i saw that he only had 3,100 hits

    about 1,000 less than Pete Rose, my hero.

    Gwynn played 20 years. hit .306 or higher in all of them except his pre-rookie season

    to have caught up to Rose he woulda had to have gotten 50 extra hits every season

    for 20 years.

    what a testament to Charlie Hustle


    they ordered onion rings and all this fried stuff as we watched soccer and drank beers but i didnt eat nothing

    secretly i was sad that of all things Tony Gwynn died because of cancer from chewing tobacco


    people croak from the craziest things


    i’ll probably croak from kissing the wrong girl all night and having my heart assplode