busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, March 28, 2016

    jon lovitz is dating a woman 31 years younger than he is 

    jon lovitzand i say Mazel Tov

    age aint nothing than a number especially when love is involved.

    there was a time when i was dating a much younger woman and some friends would ask what do you two talk about

    i said, what do you and i talk about?

    do we talk about bonds and hemoroid creams?

    no.

    neither does me and my teen gf.

    im sure jon and his babe talk about all the normal things normal people talk about:

    movies, donald trump, the effect of canada’s weak pound compared to the yen, who is going to pay $100 to see the Lakers next year when theres no Kobe, do i look fat in these overalls, when was the last time you heard a lead guitar in a pop song in the Top 40, where can a man get a cheap iphone charger cable for less than a thousand dollars?

    we are all humans just trying to love and be loved and who doesnt wanna be with someone smart and funny if youre a woman and smart and sexy if youre a man?

    life is short. love lives are shorter. i say have fun, tip your uber drivers and love with all your heart until you die.

    update: it was all a hoax. love is dead

  2. Wednesday, March 23, 2016
  3. Wednesday, March 16, 2016

    thanksgiving in march 

    canon girlevery now and then its good to count one’s blessings.

    i’ll start.

    i’m healthy as a horse. a not-sick horse. i dont think ive been sick in over a year.

    my back is better after my trip to arizona and the hot tub aerobics i did there that one day.

    the cubs are gonna win the world series. im gonna see bruuuuuuuce with my buddy greg on saturday.

    im going hiking with a pretty girl this weekend. i have a cool car. i have a messy room but no one cares.

    i have a fun job where i learn every day. i get to listen to great music and talk to the smartest people.

    i have a balanced budget. my college girlfriend makes great food for me almost every day.

    it’s 80 degrees here today and for lunch we’re gonna have tacos and booze and then dessert.

    my side job is fun, i meet the coolest people and drive around the greatest town south of isla vista.

    i have three tvs, actual high speed internet, so much candy it’s like it’s halloween.

    and i have the greatest friends in the world who try to make my life even better

    and i super totally appreciate that. a lot!

    wanna see something funny? today is Jerry Lewis’ 90th birthday

    there was a time when the Oscars didn’t run over, in fact in 1959 it went short

    so the producers asked Jerry to stretch for like 5 minutes,

    the results, as you could imagine, were very funny

     

  4. Sunday, February 14, 2016

    on love 

    man in the mirror

    i am an extremely lucky and grateful man.

    ive been so fortunate to have felt love from so many different paths

    my family, my friends, the readers of this very blog, and the women of world.

    in return i have reflected that love back.

    i also have great love of sport, music, television, and fast food restaurants.

    love is intoxicating and surprising, encompassing and fleeting.

    you never know when it’s coming, how long it will last, or why it came to you

    so you do your best not to fuck it up.

    but the best type of love you cannot fuck up. you really can be yourself and all will be well.

    through my window i can hear a group of young people singing uptown funk.

    the words might be projected from a large karaoke screen.

    this would be the opposite of love.

    i want lightning to strike it.

    i want bruno mars to read about it in the paper in the morning.

    the opposite of love also comes like a thief in the night

    no warning. no reason. just cuz.

    for yr ass.

    as it is all a giant gumbo that we call life.

    one day there will be a girl who says take me

    and the next day there will be drama that says take it.

    but love, real love, will break through the darkness

    like stars twinkling

    in the black night.

     

     

  5. Wednesday, February 10, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do? 

    92its 92 in the shade. what year is this? where are you? where am i? in the hills of beverly. texas tea. black gold.

    its so hot the winter is vacationing here. its so hot el nino was all, nah it’s too hot.

    its so hot my computer really is broken. unrepairable says the repairman.

    its so hot im thinking about putting some grammer things in my words.

    the computer is so on the fritz im writing to you via esp, because i love you.

    the busblogs been rolling for a million years so its seen its fair share of broken computers, effed up internet, injuries.

    you just rub some dirt, tussin, or spit on it and shake it off, theres a game we gotta play.

    former cub Moises Alou used to pee on his hands which i was thinking about doing but i dont think we need to.

    i think i just need to break open my credit card and get that macbook air.

    i was gonna use that money for something extravagant and wonderful.

    like Coachella?

    like SXSW?

    like a waterbed?

    maybe a little computer is the right move after all.

    i do?

  6. Friday, January 22, 2016

    heres the thing about me and love 

    ditkathings start off great. in monopoly you get money, a car or a thimble or a hat, and you get to roll.

    with me, i pretty much already love you. why? who knows, why do you get money in Monopoly? cuz you just do!

    but as time goes by if you treat me poorly i will start not loving you. this can spiral.

    but odds are i love you. this can increase if you make food for me, clean my apartment, treat me like a human, or let me put my hand on your thigh as we drive down PCH.

    i’ll also love you if i just drank a bunch of Mexican Coke.

    or if the Cubs just won a close game.

    or if theres something good playing at the Vista.

    or if someone just hands me a bowl of banana creme pudding.

    or if theres something good on the radio.

    or if the Muffs are about to play the Echoplex

    or if the taco from the taco truck doesnt get me sick.

    or if you text me nudes when i least expect it.

    or if you let me put a washer dryer in my apartment after 15 years of having to go to the coin laundry.

    or if you put Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame where he deserves to be.

    or if you dress like a hooker and get me chinese food on my 30th birthday because im freaked that ive entered old age.

    or if your band truly has a dual guitar attack.

    or if you retweet my tweet instead of like it.

    or if you legalize weed and stop the war on drugs.

    or if you win the super bowl for walter payton.

    or if you love the poor and give them good things.

    or if you skateboard over a broken down car thats on fire.

    or if you make a movie that gives me hope and has me singing the theme song in the parking lot.

    but if you dick me over royally i’ll hold it against you forever even if it kills me first.

  7. Monday, January 18, 2016

    today is martin luther king day 

    Martin Luther King Jr.

    one of Americas greatest heroes.

    a hero not just because of the words he said or the achievements he accomplished,

    but how he did it.

    he didn’t take anyone hostage, he didn’t gather dudes with rifles to occupy federal land, and he didn’t kill anyone in the name of any cause.

    in fact he didn’t threaten anyone with violence. ever.

    just the opposite: he spoke from a place of love.

    love was his secret weapon, but it wasn’t a weapon at all, it was an adhesive.

    love is what unified his message, his dream, and his goal with the hearts of others.

    mlkwhen he was jailed, he didn’t fight, when he was punched, he didn’t punch back, when others around him were struck, he didn’t strike back.

    it was the gutsiest, most punk rock move he could teach: take it.

    love them for they know not what they they’re doing.

    forgive them because they’re actually helping move this thing along.

    it’s painful for me to see elements of this country have such a hard time accepting our first black president, because it shows me how much modern racism exists.

    shrouded simply in politics, but it’s straight up ignorance and fear.

    but dr. king’s ideals hold true just as much now as it did then: take it.

    absorb it with love.

    unite with peace.

    live the example of where we want to go.

    be punk rock

    by being the opposite of the ignorant.

    so learn.

    speak so that others get it.

    and come from a place of kindness.

    we might not ever achieve a smidge of what mlk did individually, but if we simply walk along that path

    together, we’ll get there,

  8. Tuesday, December 22, 2015

    the xbi asked me what i wanted for christmas 

    marilyn and michael

    i said a warhol of marilyn and one of michael

    they said, thats impossible.

    i said, do you know how little is impossible

    we used to think flying to the moon was impossible

    do you even know how wifi works?

    sometimes beautiful women will follow you into your room

    and pull your hands to their breasts and make out with you.

    you.

    nothing is impossible.

    there was an annoyingly long silence

    and finally i just said

    framed

    and clicked the end button on the dashboard.

  9. Tuesday, October 27, 2015

    “the only love that lasts forever is unrequited love” – woody allen 

    lana del reybecause im a million years old and ive got this buff bod, ive had my share of love affairs.

    and because im a million, and a real life human, i’ve also had some unrequited loves.

    not everything works out. maybe its supposed to be like that.

    maybe the biggest lesson that porn teaches us is: if the boy always gets the girl, it makes for a super boring story.

    i didnt always get the girl. and sometimes when i got her i wondered why i wanted her in the first place (and vice versa).

    one of the best things ive learned about unrequited love is theres lots of it.

    but the question is, does that mean theres lots of potential requited love?

    i say yes.

    but more importantly heres what ive learned about unrequited love.

    ive learned that its the best motivation for working out, cleaning up ones apartment,

    and reading books youd never consider.

    and this, i think, is what separates us from apes.

    if a boy ape likes a girl ape and wants to climb a tree with her but she doesnt wanna, instead she wants to go to the river with a different boy ape

    im pretty sure the first boy ape doesnt start doing pushups and grooming himself in a different way.

    im pretty sure the first boy ape just hops over to a different girl ape and grabs her hand and leads her up a big tree to see the whole forest at sunset.

    sometimes the apes know what the heck they’re doing.

  10. Monday, October 19, 2015

    dear tony, are the cubs slowly breaking our hearts (again)? 

    William Sianis and the goata wise man once said, a fool and his money are soon parted.

    but what about a fool and his heart?

    money is a chumps game, love on the other hand is what its all about.

    love you can take with you. love is a many splendored thing. no matter what wall street decides to do with the imaginary valuation of this piece of paper or that one,

    they can’t do anything about love love love.

    and yet history will tell us that you dont fall in love with certain type of people (rock stars, models, and actors) and you should never trust the cubs winning the world series.

    no one you know has ever seen it happen. and the last time the cubs got super close, half the league was fighting the damn nazis.

    did i fall for the pretty smile that was the hot bats of this latest crop of rookies?

    yes!

    did i think that all we needed was arrietta and three days of wet weatha?

    who didnt?

    but im also a romantic. i believe that two hearts can beat as one. i trust that despite all the shiny flashy things that can distract the eyes are one thing but the magnetism of love, true love, can not be pulled apart.

    but i am also a fool. who, like jon snow, knows nothing.

    sometimes it doesnt matter who your manager is, who your GM be, how many homers you hit beating the number one team in baseball and before that the number two team, means nothing if youre cursed.

    and if i was the rickets family, the owners of the cubs, i would fill the friendly confines with goats. it should be Goat Day tomorrow. bring a goat, get in free, bring a goat get a hat, bring goat meat get a free Old Style.

    there should be goat shwarmas being sliced up beneath the stands, there should be goat blood shots being poured in the surrounding bars,

    and before the game there should be goat races
    around the bases

    it’s so perfect it even rhymes.

    something needs to change and since my heart wont, something else must. until then we will all wake up on mondays and face the cold hard reality that the cubs will remind us how big our hearts are because of the pain in having them crushed.