nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, January 27, 2021

    the reason i ask if you know i love you is because 

    secretly i volunteer at a pop-up confessional

    and as people confess their sins to me in the darkness two underlying themes exist

    – they feel unloved or undeserving of love

    – they don’t recognize actual love when it’s right in front of them.

    now part of this has to do with hollywood and books and a lack of a good education in public schools

    something as important as love should be taught better, and in more than a few classes in elementary and high school.

    but it isnt

    we have to guess. we have to ask our friends. and our friends dont know. so we read about it but those people are selling books. so we watch sixteen candles and sex in the city and porn and true hollywood stories

    but none of them get to the root. none of them teach you the actual dynamics.

    if love was a house most of us would be homeless

    is what we think.

    but thats so untrue.

    the sun comes up every morning out of love.

    the birds pollinate and photosynthesis occurs due to crazy love.

    scratch your skin and watch it heal

    work out and feel your muscles grow

    talk to someone and hear what they know

    love love love love.

    but we are taught that love is this or that and comes with this thing or that


    the things are not the thing.

    we know this and yet valentines day is coming and its all about the things

    that is not love.

    love is staring in their eyes and not thinking about your phone

    or the boiling kettle

    or the upcoming bills

    or any of the minutiae

    love is that instant

    it’s why we are alive.

    and what will be gone

    when we croak.

    and now you know i love you,

    because i do.

  2. Monday, May 20, 2019

    how it’s done 

    There is so much negativity every day out there. But here’s something nice. And one of the reasons I love people so much.

    Jake Arrieta was traded to the Cubs from Baltimore in 2013 for two guys named Scott and a bucket of mud. He was so bad the Cubs sent him to the minors twice that year.

    But something happened in 2014. The coaching, the catchers, the team? Who knows but he began to transform into an amazing pitcher.

    In 2015 he no-hit the Dodgers, pitched a complete game in the NL Wild Card game and easily earned the Cy Young Award as the best pitcher in the NL.

    In 2016 he was one of the anchors for the Cubs winning the World Series. On the way there he crushed a home run in San Francisco off Madison Bumgarner. And then he won two games in the 7 game epic series against the Indians.

    Early last year his contract ended and the Philadelphia Phillies offered him $75 million over three years. The Cubs chose to spend about that much on a different pitcher, one Yu Darvish.

    Because life is weird, Jake never faced the Cubs last year at Wrigley Field, but tonight he did. And because National League baseball is superior, pitchers bat, like the Founders intended.

    And as fate would have it, Yu is pitching against him. But before the young Japanese hurler could begin, the crowd at the Friendly Confines lived up to their name and gave their once favorite son a huge ovation. And because Darvish is a gentleman, when he heard the roar, he stepped off the mound so the crowd could embrace the man who was so vital to that all-important championship.

    I am tearing up typing this because it is so beautiful. I love these fans so much and I am one of them. This is what gratefulness is. This is what sportsmanship is. This is love.

  3. Sunday, December 16, 2018

    am i a terrible boyfriend? yes. 

    and here’s how i know. she keeps telling me, “don’t change a thing. i love you exactly how you are.”

    she doesn’t complain about the laundry that is in baskets for weeks, she doesn’t say a word about the endless newspapers that litter the bathroom floor. she never says a word about my taste in clothing or anything.

    she says stay gold ponyboy and i know what thats code for

    clearly i must rethink everything as the axe is about to fall. 

    what person in Trump’s staff has survived once sarah huckabee sanders has said “the president has full confidence in…”

    i dont even have full confidence in me.

    is this because i have been away from the office environment for so long now and i need Others around me to be happy?

    is it because my monthly stipend still hasn’t arrived and i need money to feel secure?

    is it because i have never met a woman who looked me in the eyes and said, change nothing while i was breathing garlic and morning breath on her? 

    i have never met a person who has not wanted more and/or better in their relationship, and for sure not someone in a ship with me, which is why i have such a long list of experiences.

    first order of business for Monday: toupee.

  4. Thursday, September 21, 2017

    dear tony, im so tall what do i do 

    life is a cabaret old chum.

    theres no such thing as average. everyone wants to fall within the boundaries.

    everyone wants to fit in.

    crazy thing is, though is, if you showed me an Average person i probably wouldnt wanna be friends with them.

    in fact, nowadays theres a great phase: BASIC

    no one wants to be that.

    people should fly their freak flags.

    show us the thing that the others dont have.

    the great thing about this is if you can figure out what makes you unique your friends will be able to tell you immediately.

    now heres the tough part:

    if that wild card feature is about something lame like your hair or your clothes or your shoes

    you should probably either change that

    or let out the real thing inside that makes you you.

    because i’ll tell you right now, you are not your shoes

    you are not your hair. and for damn sure you are not your height.

    back before blogs and facebooks and twitters there were AOL chat rooms.

    and in those rooms all you were was your user name. and you could be TallBitch988 but only if you truly wanted to be. usually you were MaryfromLA or something

    and as you chatted with people they got to learn your personality.

    there werent profile pictures or anything that showed who you were visually. it was your ideas.

    yes virginia, for a small sliver of Time, people were not judged by the size of their instep

    but on the quality of their blah blah blah

  5. Tuesday, March 21, 2017

    but tony i love you 

    some people actually do love me and thats sweet.

    it’s hard to believe because i dont see the same person that they see

    to me im still a teenager with a big floppy afro so massive it’s hard to fit a cubs hat over

    im driving around in my grandmas cadillac, windows rolled down, exploring LA for the first time.

    wrong about so many things. but trying to learn.

    even though im so far removed from that, thats how i feel every day and when i see pictures of myself im like who’s grampa is that?

    some things you have control over, some you dont have any.

    so when pretty girls, who you tried week after week after week to have come over to your crib, say they love you, you think to yourself, then why did you make me jump through every hoop there was just to see you for an hour? if you loved me why did you make it so hard? if you loved me, why did everyone else in your life have no problem hanging with you, but for me it was pretty close to impossible?

    the good thing about being as old as dirt is you have actual, real life experience to tap in to. and the best part about being someone who has never been married, is some of that experience revolves around dating.

    and you might know a few things about love.

    when i love someone there are no excuses. i will do everything. there are no obstacles. there are only paths. when i love someone there are no questions, instead a million answers. a variety of solutions. money is not an object, nor is time.

    but when i want to avoid something, there are excuses on excuses on excuses.

    and often there are lies.

    these are the things teenage tony had to learn first hand, the hard way, over years.

    and what old man busblog can write down in seconds.

  6. Tuesday, February 14, 2017

    do i believe in love? 

    of course.

    you dont have to have a boo to be into the magical force that binds us all

    i havent had a girlfriend in a few years for a number of reasons

    most of which i cannot reveal here because nothing in here is true.

    so what happens is every now and then i will get a tap on my window

    or my doorbell will ring a ding ding

    and i will put on my housecoat and flick on the porch light

    and i will see a flowing gown in the distance running away

    and hear a delightful giggle

    and later screeching tires

    i’ll look down on the welcome mat and see a gift box or two

    smelling of perfume and lust.

    inside might be chocolates spiked with molly

    or bananas dipped in butterscotch

    or a nice little bottle of rum

    and two shot glasses that say




    every blue moon one of the courageous ones will stand pat at the door twirling her hair peeping through the peep hole for a sign of light

    and i’ll open the door and invite her in

    one thing will lead to another and there will be dancing

    and laughing

    maybe some merriment

    followed by surprising disappointment.

    a chopper will arrive and swoop her away

    little red Bougainvillea blossoms swirling in the courtyard

    and much later a text begging for a selfie

    which is always obliged.

    so yes i know i get used.

    but thats better than

    a lonely trip to the apple pan.

  7. Sunday, January 22, 2017

    today Ben got married 

    today LA’s favorite son, Ben Sullivan, founder of ScienceBlog.com, soup kitchen hander outer, and all around great guy, got married to equally wonderful Soomi.

    a few weeks ago they took me out to dinner and asked me if i would “speak” at the pre-wedding celebration which was held last night in Kim n Os’s backyard of children and swimming pools. they said i would be the MC of the event which would also include live music from our friends, delicious tacos, and so much booze and friends from literally around the world.

    it was a super special night. the Lord kept the rain from coming down and inspired me to write something that everyone said was good. It was both a tough crowd because they are all amazingly talented writers and an easy crowd because they had been drinking for a good hour before i got the Mr. Microphone.

    here’s a transcript of my sermon/speech/toast thing

    Love love love love love
    All you need is love
    Love is a battlefield
    Love is an elevator
    There’s ups, theres downs. The doors slide open to a new floor, you roam around and you get lost on it. Alone.
    But if you’re lucky either a door opens or you have the courage to knock on one.
    And magic happens.  Love!
    And changes everything.
    You can’t sleep, theres a skip in your step, you’re suddenly singing along to the radio.
    Your fruit punch soda tastes bubblier
    Your burritos taste guacamolier.
    Even the birds in the trees and the barking dogs in the alley seem to be saying fuck yeah buddies.
    Fuck yeah.
    We are in this beautiful backyard tonight to celebrate the bubblier fruit punch soda that is Soomi and Ben.
    We are the birds in the trees who will always be around them as more than just witnesses — but as supporters
    And inspiration, and quiet protection for their special union.
    Not that it’s needed, but because we love them and are inspired ourselves.
    Soomi comes to us from Jin Hay Goo, South Korea in the Dirty South Eastern part of the proud country.
    Jin Hay is known for it’s 10-day Blossom Festival in the Spring when all the pretty girls of town go out to the square with cute little bouquets of blossoms and call out
    Which, weirdly, is Korean for Tony.
    Recently the neighboring cities of Changwon and Masan joined Jin Hay to make a bigger, stronger city
    and in a way that’s whats happening here.
    Benjamin J. Sullivan was born in Staten Island, NY
    true story
    He came to California to sing for Guns n Roses but when he saw Axl in person he was all ok all right.
    But he continued his love of music.
    The other day I asked Ben if there was any song that reminded him of his fiancee? He said Either Cindy Laupler’s True Colors or Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
    He continued:
    Which coincidentally both involve colors. Which may be because “the world before Soomi went from a perfectly acceptable but somewhat muted sepiatone to one that is so much richer and bright, and, well, what’s the synonym for colorful? Whatever it is: that.”
    A few days after that I asked Soomi when did she first have the hots for Ben?
    She said on their third date – somebody was counting – they went to a dinner theater. Dinner Theater? BEN!
    But it was very funny, reportedly, and she was laughing and he was laughing and she looked at him and saw his eyes wrinkled and thought it was adorable.
    Ben says that the thing he loves most about Soomi is her “open heart to others.
    “Those who obviously need it, like the lonely neighbor, or men and women on Skid Row, or the less obvious who need it but whom she can just tell.”
    We all know Ben also has a huge heart, the longtime president of the nicest guy in america competition,
    Soomi says she fell for Ben in an unusual but beautiful way.
    “I sent him a paper my friend had just published on the economics of microbial trade.”
    I had to Google it too. It broke Google.
    But Soomi said, “Ben wrote me back and said ‘when you send me things like this it makes me recognize that I’m more than a little bit in love with you.”
    And she said at that point she couldn’t deny that she was in love with him too.
    Last August they were on vacation. They were going to a fancy seafood restaurant in Carlsbad.
    Soomi said, “He insisted on putting on a coat. When we left the hotel, he was obviously so nervous that he could not make any eye contact with me. So I knew it was probably coming, so I thought I would stay cool up until the time comes.”
    But when he popped the question she was totally overwhelmed.
    Here’s to their champagne always tasting bubblier.
  8. Wednesday, October 5, 2016

    every day i drive to beverly hills through hollywood 

    come witha few blocks south of Paramount Pictures,

    a movie and tv studio, that among other things, shoots stories about super heroes

    are some real heroes that, when i see them,

    make me cry inside.

    i resist telling this to you because i dont want you to cry.

    but today i was feeling especially emotional for some reason,

    and when i saw them, i seriously considered jumping out of my car and hugging all of them.

    every day i drive by a school for blind kids. little kids. maybe 6, 7 years old.

    and theyre out on the fucked up LA sidewalks, arched due to old tree roots, and they have great big smiles and cute little dresses or sweaters with Lego characters on em

    and folding walking canes with the red tips.

    next to them are the heroes. young men and women with great patience showing them how to get around with their walking sticks.

    and im telling you the kids are sooooo happy. they dont know the trees are changing colors or the sky is ridiculously california blue or that my car needs a wash.

    all they know is they’re seeing the world in this new way, right now. and theyre beaming. some are laughing. and the heros are laughing too.

    so today i was at a stop sign by the school and i wanted to roll down the window and just yell I LOVE WHAT YOURE DOING, FUCK YEAH RIGHT ON FUCK YEAH GO CUBS!

    but i didnt wanna startle the little ones or kill their vibe. they didnt need me.

    so when i wrote what i wrote earlier today about our highest good is being of service to others, thats almost exactly what i was talking about

    except maybe not as dramatic as literally helping the blind.

    but helping.

    and you know its working when you see the gigantic smile on both yr faces.

  9. Friday, September 9, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do 

    avril lavigne

    im about to have a big birthday. i dont even know what im gonna do. but i will give thanks because im thankful.

    ive met some of the most amazing people in the world.

    ive kissed some of the greatest young ladies ever made.

    the things ive dranken and eaten and seen and participated in.

    youd never think a scrawny kid from the burbs in illinois would have had quite a life

    but it happened. and a lot of it happened thanks to writing and blogging and

    going outside and seeing what happens.

    but the secret to all of it was

    other people.

    and that is why i am so grateful.

    no one can fly on their own.

    everyone has to lift each other.

    everyone has to figure things out first and then the coolness comes.

    people built the roads, literally, people invented the framework

    people accept you and give you access and share secrets and work with you

    hopefully all for the same reason:

    to continue the improvements of everything.

    so thank you for everyone for either literally helping

    or being a great inspiration

    neither of which should be underestimated.

    gracias, madre.

  10. Wednesday, August 24, 2016

    the cincinnati zoo killed its twitter just like they killed Harambe 

    cincy zooeven though i have been doing social media for a long time, i dont fancy myself as an expert.

    sure there are some who call themselves Social Media Gurus but i have always thought that was a not-so-subtle way to belittle the profession by not equating it to what other people do in similar jobs.

    i prefer Social Media Editor or Social Media Director.

    or in my case, Prince of Darkness.

    which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo, who you may know as the establishment that found its way into the news cycle in May of this year when a 3-year-old child ended up in the cage of a giant gorilla named Harambe.

    all the photos and videos showed the gorilla being kind to the little kid as he dragged him toward a moat. within minutes, zoo officials shot and killed the gorilla.

    the child was found to be unhurt. and the internet erupted in anger and sadness at the zoo for killing the beautiful animal who did nothing wrong.  over a half million signatures were gathered in days demanding Justice for Harambe. donations were raised for the family of the child but the family re-directed them to the zoo.

    which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo’s Twitter account which has been the target of Harambe fans, particularly young fans who couldnt give a crap about Clinton or Trump but who care very much about the dead gorilla who was executed because of a curious three year old whose parents looked the other way for a brief second.

    over the last few months, any time the Zoo would post something on Twitter, the replies would quickly fly in to make it something about the dead ape.

    if the zoo wrote about an Otter, fans would reply by tweeting “Harambe loved otters”.

    repliesif the zoo tweeted about a weasel, the Twitterverse would reply by stating how much Harambe fucking adored all of his rodent friends.

    at one point the Zoo had enough and pleaded for the madness to end, but you can’t tell the Internet what to do any more than you can tell a gorilla not to eat a banana.

    so today the Zoo did the absolute worst thing it could do in this situation,

    they decided to delete the troublesome Twitter account.

    and the response was predictably brilliant.

    “the @CincinnatiZoo killed its Twitter, just like how they killed Harambe,” the kids tweeted.

    some are taking it a step further by writing

    “the @CincinnatiZoo just Harambed their Twitter just like how they Harambed Harambe.”

    because this world is so complex and confusing, it’s hard to really KNOW anything.

    but one thing we know for sure is Harambe loved Twitter especially the Cincinnati Zoo’s twitter account because that was the first place to feature him.

    and even though i’m no expert, even i know you don’t delete your account because people are interacting with you. Interaction is what it’s all about! if you were a sailor on a sailboat and all of a sudden there’s a lot of wind you don’t stop sailing. You sail faster! You thank the Lord for the wind and you zip around that ocean like crazy.

    what the kids were doing was loving one of your animals. Let them do it! Include them! Join in the weird mourning. Make every other post about how much Harambe loved weasels and goats and giraffes and tiger sharks.

    don’t quit.

    not even donald trump quits.

    never quit!

    did Harambe quit?!

    we were put on this crust to rock. in some cases we were put here to rock out with our cocks out. or in this case we celebrate by saying #DicksOutForHarambe

    which is Latin for #WeMissYouBub

    (Harambe loved Latin)

    so in summary, stop killing zoo animals and stop deleting your social media feeds no matter who tweets at you.

    all they’re doing is expressing love.