nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, July 6, 2016

    today is National Kissing Day, so let’s rejoice 

    me jeanine and welch kissingmy first kiss: Angela Romano in 6th grade after a fortuitious spin the bottle turn. We went into the bathroom, turned off the lights, and bumped heads. We turned back on the lights, repositioned, turned off the lights and whammo! my life was changed forever.

    a couple of summers later i kissed sisters. first Diane at the pool then her sister Heather at a party about a week later. when it rains it pours.

    my first time kissing a girlfriend was mary. i needed to build up courage so i waited for something good to play on the car radio. when Tom Petty’s “Breakdown” came on, it was game on.

    girls ive kissed in mexico: two – jeanine (pictured) and the truest, maybe a decade apart.

    girls ive kissed in europe: two – the dutch girl and the truest. one in holland the other in several countries.

    girls i kissed in college: maybe 20 of them?

    girls i kissed in college while high off cough syrup while rolling down a hill: kelly o’mara at anisq’Oyo’ Park

    kissed a chinese girl? yes: in frisco

    kissed a japanese girl? yes: Linda, in IV

    kissed a korean girl? yes: in LA

    kissed an indian girl? yes: in frisco

    kissed a black girl and a white girl? yes: oh Canada!

    kissed nine girls in the same night? isla vista baby!

    kissed a girl in the car and then told her she was bad at kissing? yes, twice

    kissed a jewish girl? oh yea

    kissed a redhead? come on of course!

    first time a girl bit my tongue on purpose: myra

    kissed a girl with a tongue pierce? san diego

    kissed a girl i later regretted?

    no ragrets


  2. Thursday, June 9, 2016

    she said my whole life has been a lie. will you marry me? 

    tightrope wedding

    i said do you renounce your past?

    she said yes YES!

    i said do you take back all the horrible things youve said about me?

    she said oh god yes!

    i said will you go back in time with me?

    she said ummmm sure!

    i said will you go back in time with me and get hitched in Europe?

    she said, fuck yeah

    i said will you get married on a tightrope with me in the past when everything was black and white?

    she said this is exactly why i want you.

    i said, wait till you see where we go for the honeymoon

  3. Saturday, May 21, 2016

    fuck radio, fuck mtv for abandoning us all 

    fuck ticketmaster fuck the dh fuck cancer

    but one thing they can never take from us

    even when they cant figure out a way to strip all the art from it

    in their tireless attempt to suck all the money out of it

    is rock and roll.

    a guitar and a voice.

    there is a spirit that comes straight down from heaven into us all

    people have different words for it

    and at its roots it is love.

    and it manifests in that contagious chorus

    that is so natural at it’s heart

    which is why it heals us there

    so we can then take on what needs to get done.

    rock on little girl

    and rock on florence and the machine.

  4. Monday, March 28, 2016

    jon lovitz is dating a woman 31 years younger than he is 

    jon lovitzand i say Mazel Tov

    age aint nothing than a number especially when love is involved.

    there was a time when i was dating a much younger woman and some friends would ask what do you two talk about

    i said, what do you and i talk about?

    do we talk about bonds and hemoroid creams?


    neither does me and my teen gf.

    im sure jon and his babe talk about all the normal things normal people talk about:

    movies, donald trump, the effect of canada’s weak pound compared to the yen, who is going to pay $100 to see the Lakers next year when theres no Kobe, do i look fat in these overalls, when was the last time you heard a lead guitar in a pop song in the Top 40, where can a man get a cheap iphone charger cable for less than a thousand dollars?

    we are all humans just trying to love and be loved and who doesnt wanna be with someone smart and funny if youre a woman and smart and sexy if youre a man?

    life is short. love lives are shorter. i say have fun, tip your uber drivers and love with all your heart until you die.

    update: it was all a hoax. love is dead

  5. Wednesday, March 23, 2016
  6. Wednesday, March 16, 2016

    thanksgiving in march 

    canon girlevery now and then its good to count one’s blessings.

    i’ll start.

    i’m healthy as a horse. a not-sick horse. i dont think ive been sick in over a year.

    my back is better after my trip to arizona and the hot tub aerobics i did there that one day.

    the cubs are gonna win the world series. im gonna see bruuuuuuuce with my buddy greg on saturday.

    im going hiking with a pretty girl this weekend. i have a cool car. i have a messy room but no one cares.

    i have a fun job where i learn every day. i get to listen to great music and talk to the smartest people.

    i have a balanced budget. my college girlfriend makes great food for me almost every day.

    it’s 80 degrees here today and for lunch we’re gonna have tacos and booze and then dessert.

    my side job is fun, i meet the coolest people and drive around the greatest town south of isla vista.

    i have three tvs, actual high speed internet, so much candy it’s like it’s halloween.

    and i have the greatest friends in the world who try to make my life even better

    and i super totally appreciate that. a lot!

    wanna see something funny? today is Jerry Lewis’ 90th birthday

    there was a time when the Oscars didn’t run over, in fact in 1959 it went short

    so the producers asked Jerry to stretch for like 5 minutes,

    the results, as you could imagine, were very funny


  7. Sunday, February 14, 2016

    on love 

    man in the mirror

    i am an extremely lucky and grateful man.

    ive been so fortunate to have felt love from so many different paths

    my family, my friends, the readers of this very blog, and the women of world.

    in return i have reflected that love back.

    i also have great love of sport, music, television, and fast food restaurants.

    love is intoxicating and surprising, encompassing and fleeting.

    you never know when it’s coming, how long it will last, or why it came to you

    so you do your best not to fuck it up.

    but the best type of love you cannot fuck up. you really can be yourself and all will be well.

    through my window i can hear a group of young people singing uptown funk.

    the words might be projected from a large karaoke screen.

    this would be the opposite of love.

    i want lightning to strike it.

    i want bruno mars to read about it in the paper in the morning.

    the opposite of love also comes like a thief in the night

    no warning. no reason. just cuz.

    for yr ass.

    as it is all a giant gumbo that we call life.

    one day there will be a girl who says take me

    and the next day there will be drama that says take it.

    but love, real love, will break through the darkness

    like stars twinkling

    in the black night.



  8. Wednesday, February 10, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do? 

    92its 92 in the shade. what year is this? where are you? where am i? in the hills of beverly. texas tea. black gold.

    its so hot the winter is vacationing here. its so hot el nino was all, nah it’s too hot.

    its so hot my computer really is broken. unrepairable says the repairman.

    its so hot im thinking about putting some grammer things in my words.

    the computer is so on the fritz im writing to you via esp, because i love you.

    the busblogs been rolling for a million years so its seen its fair share of broken computers, effed up internet, injuries.

    you just rub some dirt, tussin, or spit on it and shake it off, theres a game we gotta play.

    former cub Moises Alou used to pee on his hands which i was thinking about doing but i dont think we need to.

    i think i just need to break open my credit card and get that macbook air.

    i was gonna use that money for something extravagant and wonderful.

    like Coachella?

    like SXSW?

    like a waterbed?

    maybe a little computer is the right move after all.

    i do?

  9. Friday, January 22, 2016

    heres the thing about me and love 

    ditkathings start off great. in monopoly you get money, a car or a thimble or a hat, and you get to roll.

    with me, i pretty much already love you. why? who knows, why do you get money in Monopoly? cuz you just do!

    but as time goes by if you treat me poorly i will start not loving you. this can spiral.

    but odds are i love you. this can increase if you make food for me, clean my apartment, treat me like a human, or let me put my hand on your thigh as we drive down PCH.

    i’ll also love you if i just drank a bunch of Mexican Coke.

    or if the Cubs just won a close game.

    or if theres something good playing at the Vista.

    or if someone just hands me a bowl of banana creme pudding.

    or if theres something good on the radio.

    or if the Muffs are about to play the Echoplex

    or if the taco from the taco truck doesnt get me sick.

    or if you text me nudes when i least expect it.

    or if you let me put a washer dryer in my apartment after 15 years of having to go to the coin laundry.

    or if you put Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame where he deserves to be.

    or if you dress like a hooker and get me chinese food on my 30th birthday because im freaked that ive entered old age.

    or if your band truly has a dual guitar attack.

    or if you retweet my tweet instead of like it.

    or if you legalize weed and stop the war on drugs.

    or if you win the super bowl for walter payton.

    or if you love the poor and give them good things.

    or if you skateboard over a broken down car thats on fire.

    or if you make a movie that gives me hope and has me singing the theme song in the parking lot.

    but if you dick me over royally i’ll hold it against you forever even if it kills me first.

  10. Monday, January 18, 2016

    today is martin luther king day 

    Martin Luther King Jr.

    one of Americas greatest heroes.

    a hero not just because of the words he said or the achievements he accomplished,

    but how he did it.

    he didn’t take anyone hostage, he didn’t gather dudes with rifles to occupy federal land, and he didn’t kill anyone in the name of any cause.

    in fact he didn’t threaten anyone with violence. ever.

    just the opposite: he spoke from a place of love.

    love was his secret weapon, but it wasn’t a weapon at all, it was an adhesive.

    love is what unified his message, his dream, and his goal with the hearts of others.

    mlkwhen he was jailed, he didn’t fight, when he was punched, he didn’t punch back, when others around him were struck, he didn’t strike back.

    it was the gutsiest, most punk rock move he could teach: take it.

    love them for they know not what they they’re doing.

    forgive them because they’re actually helping move this thing along.

    it’s painful for me to see elements of this country have such a hard time accepting our first black president, because it shows me how much modern racism exists.

    shrouded simply in politics, but it’s straight up ignorance and fear.

    but dr. king’s ideals hold true just as much now as it did then: take it.

    absorb it with love.

    unite with peace.

    live the example of where we want to go.

    be punk rock

    by being the opposite of the ignorant.

    so learn.

    speak so that others get it.

    and come from a place of kindness.

    we might not ever achieve a smidge of what mlk did individually, but if we simply walk along that path

    together, we’ll get there,