nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, November 12, 2014

    first things first im the fakest 

    madonna like a virginthirty years ago today madonnas like a virgin came out.

    somehow i had a giant poster of it on my bedroom wall.

    somehow i was invited to live in the house the wall belonged to.

    i was going to junior college at the time and working at a record store for $4 an hour.

    and somehow i was asked to move out of the home so that the teenage swedish nanny could take possession of the room

    and i could fuck off and find my first apartment – even though i was only making $4 an hour and going to college

    had i done anything wrong to incur such a drastic change? no. was i doing drugs or drinking or raising hell or having drunken friends over to all hours of the night? of course not. i was new to california, and LA, and i barely knew anybody.

    i actually was a virgin.

    it was not really the sort of thing one expects from the person one is named after and his new wife to do to a teenager, but as they say shit happens

    and it all happened as madonna looked down at me from the wall

    thirty years ago.

    the good book says we are supposed to forgive. i forgave.

    the lord says we’re supposed to turn the other cheek. which i did. and there could be worse things than being forced to move to a cockroach and flea infested apartment a few blocks from the ocean in venice beach in the mid 80s.

    but then more crappy things happened and the forgivenesses ran out.

    and i started to learn that some people are just selfish and they cause more stress to my heart than i want.

    life is short.

    we will make it through the wilderness.

    somehow we will make it through.

    but theres no reason to keep going back just because we’re too cowardly to see if we can go it alone.

    first things first, we are never alone.

    not with Jesus

    and madonna

    and momma.

  2. Saturday, August 16, 2014

    today is charles bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24 


    last night i drove an 18 yr old kuwaiti kid from marina del rey to newport beach.

    hundred bucks.

    he sat in the front seat and told me about how in kuwait they’ll throw you in jail for life for having a beer

    if a girl dates a guy and they break up and dont get married then shes shunned forever

    that the worse thing you could do to you or your family is say youre an atheist.

    88 minute drive and the whole way was nonstop about the persian gulf, religion and politics as wiz kalifa bumped in the background.

    traffic was light, he had just been to six flags with his buddy, he wants to study engineering out here for college but it’s very hard he says for international students to get into a UC unless they have a 4.0 average.

    so, just like i did, he is going to take two years of junior college and transfer in that way.

    he says he loves LA, was not impressed by San Diego, was too young for Vegas, but thinks Dubai is the coolest place in the world.

    no offense sir, but their taxis are Bentleys.

    i dropped him off at a swanky hotel near fashion island and watched as cars unloaded with the most amazing young women in outfits i had not seen in hollywood.

    and i was, salaam alaikum, g

    and he was like alaikum salaam

  3. Thursday, May 22, 2014

    Best thing I’ve read on tumblr. 


    Professor :You are a Christian, aren’t you, son?
    Student :Yes, sir.
    Professor:So, you believe in GOD?
    Student :Absolutely, sir.
    Professor :Is GOD good?
    Student :Sure.
    Professor:Is GOD all powerful?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

    (Student was silent.)

    Professor:You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:Is satan good?
    Student :No.
    Professor:Where does satan come from?
    Student :From … GOD …
    Professor:That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
    Student :Yes
    Professor:So who created evil ?

    (Student did not answer.)

    Professor:Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
    Student :Yes, sir.
    Professor:So, who created them ?

    (Student had no answer.)

    Professor:Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?
    Student :No, sir.
    Professor:Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
    Student :No , sir.
    Professor:Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smell your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?
    Student :No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
    Professor:Yet you still believe in Him?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor :According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
    Student :Nothing. I only have my faith.
    Professor:Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

    madonna and katy perry

    Student :Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
    Student :And is there such a thing as cold?
    Student :No, sir. There isn’t.

    (The lecture theatre became very quiet with this turn of events.)

    Student :Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

    (There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

    Student :What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
    Professor:Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
    Student :You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
    Professor:So what is the point you are making, young man?
    Student :Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
    Professor:Flawed ? Can you explain how?
    Student :Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
    Professor:If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
    Student :Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

    (The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

    Student :Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

    (The class was in uproar.)

    Student :Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

    (The class broke out into laughter.)

    Student :Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

    (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

    Professor:I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.
    Student :That is it sir… Exactly ! The link between man and GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

    That student was Madonna

  4. Friday, April 4, 2014
  5. Wednesday, May 1, 2013

    beastie boys on touring with madonna 

    pbs digital studios, the people who brought us mr rodgers singing from the grave,

    has now dug up an old interview with the three bad bros you know so well

    and animated it for her your pleasure.

    i wish they had a little better interview to work with, but we get to hear them talk about their first tour

    and how many other white rappers were around back in 1985.

    but the best is hearing them be defensive about being labeled “suburban rap”.

    (which they def were for a while)

  6. Thursday, February 14, 2013
  7. Friday, March 30, 2012

    the new madonna record is better than the new ting tings record 

    motorhead shiraz dont you find that odd?

    dont you think that when youre young and impressionable you should be more creative and fantastic?

    maybe madonna has more to prove. maybe madonna has more help. maybe madonna is just a little bit better than yr average bare.

    im gonna see the los angeles clippers play basketball tonight.

    there are so many things i have to do before i get to do that. mama mia.

    i have to write like 5-6 more blog posts for work. im covering for some writers.

    i have to shave my march beard off.

    i have to eat a lunch consisting of more than wheat thins.

    i have to write like 5 people emails.

    have i mentioned i have the greatest tax man of all times? fyi?

    the other day i got this scary letter from the IRS saying i owed $8,000. if you havent noticed, the busblog doesnt have ads, so how was i supposed to scrape up an extra 8 gs? instead i went to H&R block and met a pleasant gentleman named Walter Huberwald who not only made it so I didn’t owe no $8,000

    but i would be getting close to $3k back.

    he said the gov’t may ask me to pay a small penalty.

    yesterday i got a letter from the state and yes i owed a penalty:


    God bless you Walter.

    you will be getting a bottle of red very soon.

  8. Sunday, February 5, 2012
  9. Wednesday, June 6, 2007

    today is also my first california gf’s bday 

    not michele i dont care if no one thinks she looks like the chick in arcade fire. i think she does.

    when i first moved to LA there were quite a few things i wanted to do. i wanted to surf, i wanted to skateboard, and i wanted to date punk rock chicks.

    michele was so punk rock she actually frightened me when i first met her. all of her clothes were torn, her lipstick was bright red and messy, her hair was knotted, the madonna one shoulder layered look was happening so she had that going. later her friend would try to diss her by calling it The Just Raped Look, but it was so accurate it was actually funny.

    even though she was only a few months older than me, she knew everything and i knew nothing. the only things we were equals about were foreign films, so we went to a lot of those and held hands and talked about the movies all night in my cadillac.

    id put my hand on her leg and shed say why is everything always about sex

    and id say smart girls turn me on

    and shed say you mean smart Women

    and id say yeah whatever

    and shed say no, not whatever, women have been oppressed for two long by men who

    and id say baby im black dont tell me about oppression

    and shed say its exactly those who have been oppressed who should be the first to rectify their errors

    now if you think i had moved my hand off her leg then youve obviously never argued with me while on a date with me

    after a long night of watching gerard depardu work his magic

    three years we dated before we ever consummated the love we had.

    thats how good she kissed.

  10. Wednesday, April 26, 2006

    they say only only two things come out of texas 

    but clearly more than that crawls out from under that rock since we have our brilliant president and now we have this brilliant email:

    Tony –
    Several Austinites said during SXSW that you were a total dumb fuck, but I defended you, said the blog was funny and you should be cut some slack as a poorly educated LA slacker (as opposed to the slackers HERE, where the term came from!)

    Your take on the new Springsteen CD is funny. Your idea that he should be like he was on those “first three records he made” is even funnier.

    Let’s see: how old were you when those first three records were made in the early 1970’s, Tony? Two years old? Three years old? Were you even born?

    I don’t think you can begin to speak to what the Boss was like then or now, or what his personal musical and lyrical heritage was, or what his personal musical and lyrical journey has been.

    You remind me of somebody who gets to be 25 or so and suddenly sees a slightly bigger picture than he’s seen previously and then BAM – you think you know everything and can tell people you’ve never known and will never know how they should do things. “Man, I saw Springsteen in ’85 and he rocked, why can’t he still be like that, because I want him to be like he was when I saw him as a teenager.”

    You don’t know shit, as we say in Texas.

    Dylan writes about dumb fucks like you in his book Chronicles, Vol. 1, by the way.

    – Jackson in Texas

    dear jackson,

    first of all, i dont need you to defend me to your imaginary friends. infact if any of them have problems with me in the future, teach them how to type and have them leave me a comment in my offending post.

    the truth is no one in texas had a problem with me during sxsw. least of all any austinites. i was kissed by roller girls, i was blown by college girls, i shared drinks with austinists, and i was smoked out repeatedly by local club owners.

    hell man, even your fucking cops posed for pictures with and for me.

    the only thing your so-called friends could have been upset about was they didnt have as sweet of a time those ten days as i did, while getting paid. im sorry they didnt have hot girls invade their hotel room and eat their roomservice, im sorry they didnt stay up all night and take pictures of dumbass movie stars, im sorry they didnt get paid to take pictures of top 40 bands and bottom 40 bands, and the real heart of texas, im sorry they didnt get to speak on any panels, or get stopped by the grim reaper himself who said tony pierce holy fuck i love the fucking busblog – somebody take a picture of us.

    so if they were jealous, my condolences. hopefully they’ll live.

    and btw – you dare call me a slacker? since 7/4/04 ive written 1,693 blog posts and average over 10,000 readers a week.

    how many posts have you and your fake slacker friends written in less than two years, and what are their scary huge hits like?

    im such a slacker that while in austin i even blogged drunk almost every night proving that even with a hand tied behind my back i could wipe the floor with losers like you who have excuse after excuse about why they dont post their brilliance.

    and the kids loved it, almost as much as they will love this smack down.

    if only your pappy slacked the night he stumbled home and climbed ontop of your fatassed momma.

    so blow me. and blow yourself for not even mentioning one song from bruce’s new record proving you havent even heard it to know if im full of shit or not regarding my review you fucking emailer.

    instead you wanna talk about my age. how old was i when the first three springsteen records came out? who the fuck cares? i was 100. i was 50. i was 69. i was eight. what difference on earth would it make? rosalita off the first record is still miles ahead of anything on this latest cold fish. or can i only have an opinion of the wild the innocent and the e street shuffle if i was in my 20s when it was released?

    is this the texas logic that voted for bush as governor and then president?

    maybe, perhaps, youve never listened to greetings from asbury park either. the crazy rhymes of blinded by the light, the passion of for you, the soul of spirit in the night, and the youthful idealism of growin up. show me where any of those elements are still alive in any of the last three records the boss has come out with. including the record you havent even heard so fuck you.

    and please tell me that springsteen only got better after his third record, born to run – that he penned a finer american epic than thunder road, recorded a mightier anthem than the title track, or ever matched the theater of jungleland.

    of course i loved the next three albums, darkness, the river, and nebraska which were all solid and wonderful. and its from that love of those three releases particularily the grittier tunes from that period – point blank, darkness, johnny 99, badlands, the river, drive all night, atlantic city, adam raised a cain – that i feel springsteen let us down on this so called folk record.

    after you illegally download this new album you pathetic fool, listen to the piano that i talked about in my review, and tell me that it isnt passionless and robotic and generic and hokey compared to what professor roy brittan laid down on point blank, listen to the acoustic guitar on any of this new shit and tell me it sounds like that stark lonesome tone of johnny 99, and pay attention for one goddam minute of your life and hear bruces voice and tell me that this new record makes you even once say “holy shit bruce can fucking sing” like you did when you heard drive all night for the first time, after you finished sucking your mothers cock.

    im sorry if you think that the seeger sessions is beyond reproach because its got bruce springsteens name on it or because tony pierce has an opinion about it different than people in austin who by the way got me sick while i was there making out with them. im sorry if you care more about the age of people or the names of people or the zip codes of where bloggers pay their taxes.

    me, i just care about the music. i dont care that you eat out your brothers ass or vote for unbelievable failures or smoke shitty weed, i just care when talented geniuses lose it, not because they owe me anything, but because i think it can be prevented.

    theres not a lot of people who could write the first six bruce springsteen records. and theres not anyone who could write a bob dylan record. but even you, even with your head up your ass as deep as it currently is, could have made this new quote unquote bruce springsteen record. which is why you defend it and why i call bullshit on it. and if you have anything else to say to me put it in your own blog that nobody reads.

    my gmail account is for nudes of your momma. your whiny bullshit just clutters it up.

    and before you apoligize, remember this, i remind you of no one. so save it.

    nic + raspberry + amy + pitt + kanye west added to coachella