nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, August 16, 2015

    todays bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24 

    bukowski, madonnahad a good hot weekend. it was hot. like hottern itd been all year.

    slept over the covers with the windows open and the fan twirling and the cats purring and the moon looking down saying it dont look that hot from up heres

    and the earth saying who the hell asked you anyways

    friday ali said what are you up to tonight i said imma see a one woman show. she said no way. i said i know i never do that.

    she said i wanna come. i said fine meet me at my place and we’ll take a lyft over there. she said not an uber?

    i said, its good to keep the competition going.

    the show was The Mermaid who learned how to Fly. kyla garcia. she was incredible. did like 20 different characters. two of them were in love with her. so basically she made out with herself twice.

    once even as a lady.

    it took me a little while to get into it because i dont go to plays. and it was hot. and you have to suspend your belief and just let go. but once you do, it gets fantastic.

    so at first i didnt like her irish narrator fairy lady but as the play went on i kept hoping for her to come back, and when she did i was so happy. also of interest was the narrator was sorta falling apart physically as the play went on. bad back. it was funny. kyla was very surprising.

    after that ali and i went to malo and ate tacos and drank margueritas. im not crazy about that place but its close and they had an outside so we cooled off.

    saturday i ubered a little. hit my goal and then went to the academy to see Straight Outta Compton. it needs to be stated that since that record dropped back when i was in college, NWA and that record have been super important to me.

    so to see it for free in the best theater in LA was incredible.

    ice cube and the fans

    full house. and almost everyone stayed afterwards to hear Ice Cube, his son, the director, a producer, and the dudes who played Dr. Dre and Eazy talk about it.

    ive never seen that many people stay.

    or cheer so many times at the end.

    i give the movie a B+ but i give ice cube an A+ for staying after the talk and taking pictures with everyone who asked. which were hundreds. he didnt care. he soaked it in.

    and the movie won the weekend. making something like $60 million. smash hit of the summer. a movie about black gangsta rappers whose music is not played on the radio. and yet one of the rappers turns into a movie star another tuns into a billionaire and a third dies of AIDS. so freaky.

    xbi texted me when i was still in the theatre. they wanted a favor i said no. they said order an uber and we can help you out.

    tanya and freedai said i didnt need any help. i was happy. i was in great spirits and i wasnt gonna do squat on sunday. they said dont be a dope, order an uber.

    and when i did a toyota avalon appeared with this great reggae singer as a driver

    and two swedish girls in the back

    and the whole trip i thought, theyre gonna kill me, arent they?

    this is how it ends?


    reggae in swedish probably means good bye i thought but no

    id been to sweden and i knew that hej då meant good bye

    or did it mean hello?

    the girls were just laughing at me.

    they kept calling me Chicago.

    hey Chicago, why dont you change your clothes and meet us at the Chateau

    i said how do you say nothing ever good happens to chicagoans

    late at night at the chateau

    in swedish

  2. Tuesday, December 2, 2014

    do we appreciate madonna, of course 

    madonnais it nice that she got naked and semi-naked for a recent Interview magazine spread


    should everyone get lingerie and pose in motels with forgiving lighting? probably.

    but heres the thing about madonna: she is incapable of shocking us any longer, but that doesnt mean it’s over for her.

    however, this ultra strong image is played out. we expect it from her. and i dont wanna say it’s boring but it’s, well, it’s boring.

    how about show us some vulnerability. you can be strong and confident and the boss and still be fragile.

    if i was the photographer id say madonna, lets try to work on a scene where you play the role of the near-virgin

    i know it’s a stretch, but heres something you havent done in forever. lets try to take pictures that would fit into that Springsteen song he wrote for the Pointer Sisters.

    you know the one

    I’m driving in my car
    I turn on the radio
    I’m pulling you close
    You just say no
    You say you don’t like it
    But girl I know you’re a liar
    ‘Cause when we kiss


    because sadly this bored dominatrix who has run out of men to overpower no longer has any edge

    how many times are you gonna sing the same song?

    Interview is andy warhol’s magazine

    would we have loved him if all he painted was soup cans his whole life.

    madonna in disney princess costumes

    madonna in petticoats

    madonna in pretty things.

    that would be photos that would go viral.

    but this is just one more session that people are going to forget. sadly.

  3. Wednesday, November 12, 2014

    first things first im the fakest 

    madonna like a virginthirty years ago today madonnas like a virgin came out.

    somehow i had a giant poster of it on my bedroom wall.

    somehow i was invited to live in the house the wall belonged to.

    i was going to junior college at the time and working at a record store for $4 an hour.

    and somehow i was asked to move out of the home so that the teenage swedish nanny could take possession of the room

    and i could fuck off and find my first apartment – even though i was only making $4 an hour and going to college

    had i done anything wrong to incur such a drastic change? no. was i doing drugs or drinking or raising hell or having drunken friends over to all hours of the night? of course not. i was new to california, and LA, and i barely knew anybody.

    i actually was a virgin.

    it was not really the sort of thing one expects from the person one is named after and his new wife to do to a teenager, but as they say shit happens

    and it all happened as madonna looked down at me from the wall

    thirty years ago.

    the good book says we are supposed to forgive. i forgave.

    the lord says we’re supposed to turn the other cheek. which i did. and there could be worse things than being forced to move to a cockroach and flea infested apartment a few blocks from the ocean in venice beach in the mid 80s.

    but then more crappy things happened and the forgivenesses ran out.

    and i started to learn that some people are just selfish and they cause more stress to my heart than i want.

    life is short.

    we will make it through the wilderness.

    somehow we will make it through.

    but theres no reason to keep going back just because we’re too cowardly to see if we can go it alone.

    first things first, we are never alone.

    not with Jesus

    and madonna

    and momma.

  4. Saturday, August 16, 2014

    today is charles bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24 


    last night i drove an 18 yr old kuwaiti kid from marina del rey to newport beach.

    hundred bucks.

    he sat in the front seat and told me about how in kuwait they’ll throw you in jail for life for having a beer

    if a girl dates a guy and they break up and dont get married then shes shunned forever

    that the worse thing you could do to you or your family is say youre an atheist.

    88 minute drive and the whole way was nonstop about the persian gulf, religion and politics as wiz kalifa bumped in the background.

    traffic was light, he had just been to six flags with his buddy, he wants to study engineering out here for college but it’s very hard he says for international students to get into a UC unless they have a 4.0 average.

    so, just like i did, he is going to take two years of junior college and transfer in that way.

    he says he loves LA, was not impressed by San Diego, was too young for Vegas, but thinks Dubai is the coolest place in the world.

    no offense sir, but their taxis are Bentleys.

    i dropped him off at a swanky hotel near fashion island and watched as cars unloaded with the most amazing young women in outfits i had not seen in hollywood.

    and i was, salaam alaikum, g

    and he was like alaikum salaam

  5. Thursday, May 22, 2014

    Best thing I’ve read on tumblr. 


    Professor :You are a Christian, aren’t you, son?
    Student :Yes, sir.
    Professor:So, you believe in GOD?
    Student :Absolutely, sir.
    Professor :Is GOD good?
    Student :Sure.
    Professor:Is GOD all powerful?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

    (Student was silent.)

    Professor:You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:Is satan good?
    Student :No.
    Professor:Where does satan come from?
    Student :From … GOD …
    Professor:That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
    Student :Yes
    Professor:So who created evil ?

    (Student did not answer.)

    Professor:Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
    Student :Yes, sir.
    Professor:So, who created them ?

    (Student had no answer.)

    Professor:Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?
    Student :No, sir.
    Professor:Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
    Student :No , sir.
    Professor:Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smell your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?
    Student :No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
    Professor:Yet you still believe in Him?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor :According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
    Student :Nothing. I only have my faith.
    Professor:Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

    madonna and katy perry

    Student :Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
    Student :And is there such a thing as cold?
    Student :No, sir. There isn’t.

    (The lecture theatre became very quiet with this turn of events.)

    Student :Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

    (There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

    Student :What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
    Professor:Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
    Student :You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
    Professor:So what is the point you are making, young man?
    Student :Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
    Professor:Flawed ? Can you explain how?
    Student :Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
    Professor:If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
    Student :Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

    (The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

    Student :Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

    (The class was in uproar.)

    Student :Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

    (The class broke out into laughter.)

    Student :Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

    (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

    Professor:I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.
    Student :That is it sir… Exactly ! The link between man and GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

    That student was Madonna

  6. Friday, April 4, 2014
  7. Wednesday, May 1, 2013

    beastie boys on touring with madonna 

    pbs digital studios, the people who brought us mr rodgers singing from the grave,

    has now dug up an old interview with the three bad bros you know so well

    and animated it for her your pleasure.

    i wish they had a little better interview to work with, but we get to hear them talk about their first tour

    and how many other white rappers were around back in 1985.

    but the best is hearing them be defensive about being labeled “suburban rap”.

    (which they def were for a while)

  8. Thursday, February 14, 2013
  9. Friday, March 30, 2012

    the new madonna record is better than the new ting tings record 

    motorhead shiraz dont you find that odd?

    dont you think that when youre young and impressionable you should be more creative and fantastic?

    maybe madonna has more to prove. maybe madonna has more help. maybe madonna is just a little bit better than yr average bare.

    im gonna see the los angeles clippers play basketball tonight.

    there are so many things i have to do before i get to do that. mama mia.

    i have to write like 5-6 more blog posts for work. im covering for some writers.

    i have to shave my march beard off.

    i have to eat a lunch consisting of more than wheat thins.

    i have to write like 5 people emails.

    have i mentioned i have the greatest tax man of all times? fyi?

    the other day i got this scary letter from the IRS saying i owed $8,000. if you havent noticed, the busblog doesnt have ads, so how was i supposed to scrape up an extra 8 gs? instead i went to H&R block and met a pleasant gentleman named Walter Huberwald who not only made it so I didn’t owe no $8,000

    but i would be getting close to $3k back.

    he said the gov’t may ask me to pay a small penalty.

    yesterday i got a letter from the state and yes i owed a penalty:


    God bless you Walter.

    you will be getting a bottle of red very soon.

  10. Sunday, February 5, 2012