busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, September 6, 2016

    not a bad labor day weekend 

    mary and anne

    didn’t drive. why bother?

    decided to actually enjoy the weekend for the first time in a long time.

    watched the cubs steamroll past the giants.

    watched a whole bunch of movies and tv shows.

    ate and ate and ate.

    got my steps in by playing pokemon go.

    but i still didnt have as good of a weekend as soon to be birthday girl mary who went to burning man in a private jet

    and then took this selfie with oscar winner anne hathaway.

    apparently lots of movie stars and pop stars go there now because they can sorta be in disguise and sorta be freeeeee as a bird away from the prying eyes of the press

    it’s fun sometimes to cool ones jets.

    i even read some bukowski this weekend, which was tough because of the two tvs, computer, laptop, and phone.

    maybe my next break i’ll totally unplug.

    which will be quite the stretch.

  2. Wednesday, May 11, 2016

    today is mary’s birthday, she’s 24 

    mary hugging bearas you well know by now she was my first girlfriend when we were in high school in illinois

    i havent heard from her since she sen me a little toy truck several years ago

    and we havent seen each other since there were fires in san dieger, where she has been living since forever.

    when we were kids we would write each other every day using stationary and colored pens and i would draw things and she would say the sweetest things and i would say them right back.

    every day the biggest thrill in the world was going to the mail box and getting one of her letters. it was like getting a message from Heaven itself.

    maybe im still writing her with this blog.

    maybe i moved to california the day i could just to get her back

    maybe i never moved out of california so we would maybe one day run into each other and say oh hey

    would she even recognize me?

    maybe i wear a cubs hat every day so she would

    maybe ive never gotten married or had kids or gone to jail so the door would remain open and we could finish what we started in schaumburg and hayward

    which was making out in the back seat of my cadillac right before the cops broke it up because why would a beautiful, tall blonde girl want with a skinny dude with an afro?

    maybe life is figuring out the answer to that.

    what if she moved away to hawaii long ago and im just a dog going to a bowl thats been empty for ever

    and right next door is a damn dog food factory but hes just sniffing that empty bowl

    that used to be filled with pork chops

    and apple sauce.

    hawaii it is

  3. Tuesday, September 8, 2015

    today’s mary’s birthday, shes 24 

    mary in central parkhow is she still alive?

    how is she not in jail?

    how does she not have like a hundred babies?

    why isnt she on the real housewives of beverly hills?

    mary, like destinys child, is a survivor. she has survived herself and most recently, burning man.

    she sends me outfit-of-the-day pictures from time to time (who doesnt) and theyre always a marvel because she seems to never age.

    she works hard, plays hard, and travels around the wessside like it aint no big thing. so maybe it isnt? she knows fun people and does interesting things all with a dog. how?

    she just gets things done. anyone else would have imploded by now. anyone else’s dog would have made a big giant mess in the bathroom by now.

    but mary carries on.

    any time i dip my toe into an online dating sight or pass by a fortune teller they say why arent you and mary together? and i say let me count the ways.

    im not a rich enough doctor. i live east of lincoln. and after my first girlfriend mary broke my heart ive sworn off marys.

    todays birthday girl is on her way back from burningman, probably in a helicopter,

    she might even be piloting it.

    hopefully she doesnt get bored halfway and put it on autocopter, because there isnt such a thing.

    but even if it crashes she will rise from the ashes with a laugh, a joke

    and smokin hair.

    happy birthday mary!

    see you at the bungalow!

  4. Monday, September 8, 2014

    today is mary’s birthday shes 24 

    mary and bekka

    born to ohio riverboat captains, mary moved to california on an ice skating scholarship.

    the claremont colleges werent a good fit for the outgoing blonde (seen here “studying” with xbi marine agent bekka) so she jumped ship and started a career in human resources where she excelled.

    one thing led to another and mary is now in venice where she can be seen walking her dog along abbott kinney in a floppy hat

    and smiling and smiling and smiling.

    mary is one of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet. she might not even be from ohio, she may just say that to make you feel better.

    in a past life she was probably a night nurse who would hold you in her arms and whisper sweet everythings to you as you floated back into your medicinal haze.

    what are her goals in life? to marry the richest man west of Lincoln and only wear high heels and g-strings.

    ive never seen mary work out but she maintains a miraculous shape for someone who eats as much gelato as she does.

    she has a beautiful apartment and a terrible stereo system with one john mayer cd.

    she doesnt even know the name of it.

    so would-be suitors: bring your own boombox, but not booze as todays birthday girl is a teetotaler, as are all her closest friends.

    they may all be from another land. like pennsylvania.

  5. Friday, May 23, 2014

    mary, the biggest party girl on the wessside, had recently escaped rehab 

    10356569_10152419015143057_403483043_n

    i hadnt seen her in a while. i was at coachella when she told me she was entering a swanky beachside facility for a month.

    a few weeks ago she texted me saying i need an uber i gotta get out of this place.

    apparently the beachside malibu resort-style valhalla was too much for her.

    the trips to trader joes, the massages, the kingsized suite wasn’t what she hoped for

    what she really wanted was to see her beloved dog and sleep in her own bed and get back to work.

    she also wanted to turn over a new leaf, stop hanging out with the party people in her life

    and start doing more wholesome, healthy pursuits like throwing dinner parties with miss universe contestants

    like me and my buddy todd.

     

    10362393_10152419015493057_915241277_n

    im not a dinner party expert and when mary said all you have to do is wash the dishes, the girls and i will cook i was all, should i bring pie?

    apparently im the last person in LA who eats pie.

    so she sent me a text with a photo of a certain black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream and said i could bring that

    ah yes, talenti gelato.

    we grilled fish, steak, miss greece arrived with kale and watermelon, two delightful sisters were there

    the conversations were spicy and real, and mary shared stories with us about kicking the habit.

    before we knew it it was midnight and todd had to run home to feed his cat.

    was i obnoxious? duh. will i get invited back next time? probably not.

    but i did help dry the dishes and it was really nice to see mary dialed down a notch or two

    and seemingly healthier and happier, which is what its all about.

    ps that gelato was amazing.

  6. Thursday, February 21, 2013

    your girl mary (pictured) felt bad for me losing my job 

    mary and friendsso she treated me last night at my favorite restaurant.

    we ate drank and were mary.

    peter was there and stoked us with fancy fresh fish.

    the soft shelled crab was perfectly adorned with pretty sauces.

    the college kids slurped their pho and looked enviously at our feast.

    and of course the high rollers drank and drank and ignored the laker game.

    it was nice. marys nice. she means no harm. she’s like snoop: la di da di, we wanna party

    afterwards drove to abbot kinney for a little afterparty she knew about

    met some interesting people who like inglewood were up to no good.

    venice has always held a special place in my heart.

    after i found myself looking for my first apartment ever, i ended up on Innes Place

    which was about two blocks from the beach and right in the middle of venice being up to no good.

    teenage tony was not ready for that back then and politely peaced out.

    especially being straight off the boat from the midwest like i was back then.

    plus i could barely skateboard.

    AK has def changed since back then.

    not sure if its for the better, but what can you do.

    we’ll always have isla vista.

  7. Monday, January 21, 2013
  8. Thursday, November 22, 2012

    ate some deep fried turkey yep 

    turkey deep fryer

    karisas bf and his buddies set up the death trap but because theyre scientists no one got hurt

    me, i protected the alcohol from an alien invasion

    even though we were hella late, so was erryone else so i prepared for my dish

    open other end

    not everyone can make the perfect plate of cb sauce but, with the help of jeanine, voila!

    people literally went crazy when they ate it.

    example a

    because no one trusts scientists, they cooked a regular turkey and of course there was the deep fried buddy

    there was also plenty of water. actually there was plenty of everything.

    people ate and were amazed. so amazed they didnt even eat at the table because it glowed of awesome too much.

    shack and dog

    then people started playing with the dog

    then mary started dancing on karisas brand new table

    then jeanine and karisa started talking in russian. and they couldnt stop after a while.

    then hot toddys were fixed up real nice along with dessert. which was delightful.

    then people started passing out. which is always funny.

    merry christmas y’all!

  9. Thursday, September 13, 2012

    todays mary’s birthday, shes 24 

    marys birthday

    the painfully shy mary nolastname and i have a rare thing in common:

    we both hired karisa to work for our companies.

    me for a dot com back in the day,

    and mary for the corporate interior design firm theyve been with for the last decade

    scallops

    mary likes raw scallops with lemon and hit n run sea salt sprinkles

    yellow tail chile pepper

    she also likes spicy yellowtail with truffle oil, sake, beer, and toro cut salmon cuts

    but shes so shy you have to read her mind.

    or you can txt her.

    karisa and mary in jail

    mary spent some time in the joint.

    but she was so quiet, she just walked out one day

    and no one noticed.

    what she fails to project audibly, she makes up in energy

    and the unique ability to pull off exactly what she wants

    after a few drinks the other night she said the funniest thing

    “i never want to be east of Lincoln”

    which is the street that’s a half mile east of the pacific ocean

    and we laughed, mostly, because we knew she’d get it.

    happy birthday mary, catch ya at the beach!

  10. Tuesday, September 28, 2010

    a summary of the craziness that was yesterday 

    1. it was so hot yesterday in LA that the official thermometer broke.
    2. the bears beat the packers on monday night football
    3. since i was viewing the game at a sports bar, i bought everyone around me several rounds
    4. i got so drunk that i literally stumbled home.
    5. i went to bed in my shoes.