nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, May 11, 2020

    today is my first girlfriend’s birthday 

    have i always been lucky in love?

    yes but it never felt like it.

    usually i wanted more. especially when i was young, i felt alone. i felt like everything was a long distance relationship.

    back then you had to pay actual money to make long distance phone calls. major props to my mom for paying those crazy phone bills. major love to the post office for sending my little missives.

    back then there werent blogs or email or even electricity so you would whisper something into the ear of an indian and he would ride his horse to the next state over and whisper it into the ear of the next indian who would ride his pony to the next state. and so on and so on.

    finally when the last indian got to the pretty girl he would dance your message to her and she would hopefully understand every word and the spaces inbetween.

    it was called the tony express.

    mary was taller than me and smarter and softer and cooler and she would write actual letters

    on stationary. in different colored pens. and cool envelopes.

    every day we would write and confess our love even though we didn’t truly know what love was technically. we were teens. we were so midwestern. we were so wanting to live the california life.

    first her. then me.

    but never we.

    not out here at least. not for any period of time more than a few days.

    so i sent her a bear. and in the arms of the bear was a cub.

    and in the cub was a piece of my heart.

    and back then the indians would charge extra for shit like that.

    but i had extra.

  2. Saturday, May 11, 2019

    theres a couple days i always remember 

    may 11 is my first girlfriends birthday. mary. i’ll never forget her birthday and i dont think i have forgotten her phone number either. 528-1722?

    those were back in the days where you didnt need area codes. those were back in the days that when a girl held your hand at the movies it was the coolest thing ever.

    those were back in the days where a giant farm divided you from the fantasy girl of your dreams so you just called each other on the phone and talked for hours and hours.

    when i first got her number i wrote notes before i called. even then, my biggest fear was boring people.

    i liked her so much i lied.

    i would tell her the dumbest lies like oh yeah im in a band. i play guitar.


    finally when i fessed up i promised that id never lie again. and ive done a pretty good job with that.

    she moved to california. and look at me. less than a year later i had moved to california. and ive never thought twice of moving back.

    anyways happy birthday mary, whereever you are. i hope things are good.


  3. Friday, January 4, 2019

    thinking about deleting my twitter 

    i dont have anything bad in there, but who knows.

    people can say well why not delete your blog too? and i would say mind your own beeswax.

    amber is snoring next to me and its so comforting.

    googlestalked my first girlfriend ever because i havent done that in a super long time and i just wanted to see a picture of her and make sure she was alive. found the pic. she looks different than i expected. brown hair instead of blonde. also younger. last time we talked she told me that she had caught her husband cheating. that was such a long time ago. found her new last name. which means she musta met another man and got hitched which i approve of. she was so nice to me. i would write her letters every day.

    maybe i still do.

    and thats the difference between twitter and blogging, people, these are love letters to the ether of the otherlands

    tweets are just darts at an invisible water balloon thats being thrown at your face. will you get wet? will you miss?

    there was a car chase today where they did the pit manuever to a dude literally four times and each time he was able to get away after being spun around. it was remarkable.

    then they just let him drive south down to oceanside. which is why i was thinking about her. cuz she lives down there.

    i have had such a blessed life. so above average compared to what it could have been. i dont have movie star looks. i wasnt at the top of my class in shit and i wouldnt be if i went back in time. my family wasnt rolling in dough. i went to community college, alone, no friends in a new city. while working at mcdonalds. even the girls at mcdonalds wouldnt go out with me.

    but i persisted.

    cuz what else you gonna do? give up at 18? no. i wrote her love letters and she basically said thank you next, which was good. out with the old. and the new life was good. you meet friends after a while. one thing leads to another.

    thank god i had a car though. i drove alllll over LA back then. all these streets and towns i had heard about in records or tv shows. id even fill up at a gas station and id think, did Kareem ever come to this gas station? did Elton John? LA was this magical place. the one city where dreams could come true to you and you and you.

    and come true they did. over and over again. did i think i would be 52 with a 32 year old gf snoozing next to me writing notes to the superdooper in infinity land? no and thats why life is grand. all the stupid shit you think will happen when youre a teen is weirder and better and a hundred percent different than your dumb head could imagine.

    and the weed is legal.

  4. Friday, September 8, 2017

    today is mary’s birthday, she’s 24 

    born on a new moon in the woods of darkest africa, mary waltzed onto an oceanliner when she was 16 to america

    she had no ticket, no reservation, and no money so she was ordered to sing show tunes to the elderly

    and steal from the drunk.

    once in the land of the free, mary was accepted by a catholic orphanage where she learned how to sew, hem, and sing psalms.

    after school she read to the blind and helped rehabilitate returning veterans from our many wars.

    her techniques were unusual but successful and when she graduated she applied at some of the top medical schools

    but was denied because she failed the piss test.

    not the drug test, she knew all those, she failed the urine exam because hers contained a fluorescent glow that the lab had never seen before.

    “THATS NOT ILLEGAL!” she tweeted while trying to explain that it was due to how she healed the sick.

    Ever the selfless saint,  young Mary would disrobe the soldiers, thoroughly examine them, and then suck the shrapnel and bacteria and mayhem out of their wounds and spit it out onto the floor.

    Clearly some of it was ingested, she argued, BUT ITS NOT ILLEGAL she cried.

    And cried.

    Earlier this year she was awarded a Purple Heart for her service.

    Except it was a Purple Mouth.

    With distinction.

    Happy birthday Mary and thank you for your service!

  5. Tuesday, September 6, 2016

    not a bad labor day weekend 

    mary and anne

    didn’t drive. why bother?

    decided to actually enjoy the weekend for the first time in a long time.

    watched the cubs steamroll past the giants.

    watched a whole bunch of movies and tv shows.

    ate and ate and ate.

    got my steps in by playing pokemon go.

    but i still didnt have as good of a weekend as soon to be birthday girl mary who went to burning man in a private jet

    and then took this selfie with oscar winner anne hathaway.

    apparently lots of movie stars and pop stars go there now because they can sorta be in disguise and sorta be freeeeee as a bird away from the prying eyes of the press

    it’s fun sometimes to cool ones jets.

    i even read some bukowski this weekend, which was tough because of the two tvs, computer, laptop, and phone.

    maybe my next break i’ll totally unplug.

    which will be quite the stretch.

  6. Wednesday, May 11, 2016

    today is mary’s birthday, she’s 24 

    mary hugging bearas you well know by now she was my first girlfriend when we were in high school in illinois

    i havent heard from her since she sen me a little toy truck several years ago

    and we havent seen each other since there were fires in san dieger, where she has been living since forever.

    when we were kids we would write each other every day using stationary and colored pens and i would draw things and she would say the sweetest things and i would say them right back.

    every day the biggest thrill in the world was going to the mail box and getting one of her letters. it was like getting a message from Heaven itself.

    maybe im still writing her with this blog.

    maybe i moved to california the day i could just to get her back

    maybe i never moved out of california so we would maybe one day run into each other and say oh hey

    would she even recognize me?

    maybe i wear a cubs hat every day so she would

    maybe ive never gotten married or had kids or gone to jail so the door would remain open and we could finish what we started in schaumburg and hayward

    which was making out in the back seat of my cadillac right before the cops broke it up because why would a beautiful, tall blonde girl want with a skinny dude with an afro?

    maybe life is figuring out the answer to that.

    what if she moved away to hawaii long ago and im just a dog going to a bowl thats been empty for ever

    and right next door is a damn dog food factory but hes just sniffing that empty bowl

    that used to be filled with pork chops

    and apple sauce.

    hawaii it is

  7. Tuesday, September 8, 2015

    today’s mary’s birthday, shes 24 

    mary in central parkhow is she still alive?

    how is she not in jail?

    how does she not have like a hundred babies?

    why isnt she on the real housewives of beverly hills?

    mary, like destinys child, is a survivor. she has survived herself and most recently, burning man.

    she sends me outfit-of-the-day pictures from time to time (who doesnt) and theyre always a marvel because she seems to never age.

    she works hard, plays hard, and travels around the wessside like it aint no big thing. so maybe it isnt? she knows fun people and does interesting things all with a dog. how?

    she just gets things done. anyone else would have imploded by now. anyone else’s dog would have made a big giant mess in the bathroom by now.

    but mary carries on.

    any time i dip my toe into an online dating sight or pass by a fortune teller they say why arent you and mary together? and i say let me count the ways.

    im not a rich enough doctor. i live east of lincoln. and after my first girlfriend mary broke my heart ive sworn off marys.

    todays birthday girl is on her way back from burningman, probably in a helicopter,

    she might even be piloting it.

    hopefully she doesnt get bored halfway and put it on autocopter, because there isnt such a thing.

    but even if it crashes she will rise from the ashes with a laugh, a joke

    and smokin hair.

    happy birthday mary!

    see you at the bungalow!

  8. Monday, September 8, 2014

    today is mary’s birthday shes 24 

    mary and bekka

    born to ohio riverboat captains, mary moved to california on an ice skating scholarship.

    the claremont colleges werent a good fit for the outgoing blonde (seen here “studying” with xbi marine agent bekka) so she jumped ship and started a career in human resources where she excelled.

    one thing led to another and mary is now in venice where she can be seen walking her dog along abbott kinney in a floppy hat

    and smiling and smiling and smiling.

    mary is one of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet. she might not even be from ohio, she may just say that to make you feel better.

    in a past life she was probably a night nurse who would hold you in her arms and whisper sweet everythings to you as you floated back into your medicinal haze.

    what are her goals in life? to marry the richest man west of Lincoln and only wear high heels and g-strings.

    ive never seen mary work out but she maintains a miraculous shape for someone who eats as much gelato as she does.

    she has a beautiful apartment and a terrible stereo system with one john mayer cd.

    she doesnt even know the name of it.

    so would-be suitors: bring your own boombox, but not booze as todays birthday girl is a teetotaler, as are all her closest friends.

    they may all be from another land. like pennsylvania.

  9. Friday, May 23, 2014

    mary, the biggest party girl on the wessside, had recently escaped rehab 


    i hadnt seen her in a while. i was at coachella when she told me she was entering a swanky beachside facility for a month.

    a few weeks ago she texted me saying i need an uber i gotta get out of this place.

    apparently the beachside malibu resort-style valhalla was too much for her.

    the trips to trader joes, the massages, the kingsized suite wasn’t what she hoped for

    what she really wanted was to see her beloved dog and sleep in her own bed and get back to work.

    she also wanted to turn over a new leaf, stop hanging out with the party people in her life

    and start doing more wholesome, healthy pursuits like throwing dinner parties with miss universe contestants

    like me and my buddy todd.



    im not a dinner party expert and when mary said all you have to do is wash the dishes, the girls and i will cook i was all, should i bring pie?

    apparently im the last person in LA who eats pie.

    so she sent me a text with a photo of a certain black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream and said i could bring that

    ah yes, talenti gelato.

    we grilled fish, steak, miss greece arrived with kale and watermelon, two delightful sisters were there

    the conversations were spicy and real, and mary shared stories with us about kicking the habit.

    before we knew it it was midnight and todd had to run home to feed his cat.

    was i obnoxious? duh. will i get invited back next time? probably not.

    but i did help dry the dishes and it was really nice to see mary dialed down a notch or two

    and seemingly healthier and happier, which is what its all about.

    ps that gelato was amazing.

  10. Thursday, February 21, 2013

    your girl mary (pictured) felt bad for me losing my job 

    mary and friendsso she treated me last night at my favorite restaurant.

    we ate drank and were mary.

    peter was there and stoked us with fancy fresh fish.

    the soft shelled crab was perfectly adorned with pretty sauces.

    the college kids slurped their pho and looked enviously at our feast.

    and of course the high rollers drank and drank and ignored the laker game.

    it was nice. marys nice. she means no harm. she’s like snoop: la di da di, we wanna party

    afterwards drove to abbot kinney for a little afterparty she knew about

    met some interesting people who like inglewood were up to no good.

    venice has always held a special place in my heart.

    after i found myself looking for my first apartment ever, i ended up on Innes Place

    which was about two blocks from the beach and right in the middle of venice being up to no good.

    teenage tony was not ready for that back then and politely peaced out.

    especially being straight off the boat from the midwest like i was back then.

    plus i could barely skateboard.

    AK has def changed since back then.

    not sure if its for the better, but what can you do.

    we’ll always have isla vista.