busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, December 22, 2015

    i cant stop thinking about miss colombia 

    miss colombiaand how her life is ruined now and no one loves her any more

    and no one wants to give her a job

    and she’ll probably be deported out of colombia for being a loser

    because second place is as bad as last place

    and she’ll have to be a refugee in america

    but no one likes refugees here any more and theyre gonna just blow up the statue of liberty because it has the nerve to say bring me your tired your poor your huddled masses yearning to be free

    and your sorta hot beauty queens who got mistaken as miss universes yearning to bring peace to the world

    all of her business cards now have to be re-done to say First Runner Up

    i mean every school kid knows all the names of all the miss universes, but does any one even remember the name of one first runner up? seriously. they dont even test for that. thats not even extra credit. thats not even a bonus round. thats not even in Jeopardy because not only is it impossible but no one cares: Name ANY first runner up for Miss Universe?

    Ken Jennings wouldnt even be able to do that. but i told her, it’s ok Miss Colombia, now someone can say you, Miss Colombia, you are the first first runner up that someone can name. she said really? i said, yes of course. really! and she was so happy to hear it that she got even newer business cards that now read.

    the first First Runner Up that you can name.

    and once again the world famous busblog

    is right there for yr ass

  2. Monday, December 21, 2015

    now is not the time to blame steve harvey 

    colombiaeven though i think Steve Harvey is a bit of a doofus clown, and not exactly my first pick as the host of the miss universe pageant, an event we used to cover here on the busblog extensively, i dont think the mess up was entirely his fault

    after working behind the scenes on a number of projects over the years, the blame has to be placed on the producers.

    the lights, the music, the crowd, the beautiful women, the excitement, vegas, can distract anyone.

    therefore the words need to be written clearly on the card.

    and simply.

    all that should have been on that card was:

    THE SECOND RUNNER UP IS MISS USA

    AND THE FIRST RUNNER UP IS MISS COLOMBIA

    MISS PHILIPPINES, YOU ARE THE NEW MISS UNIVERSE.

    i dont care that this is a last minute tabulation, you have a dozen producers getting paid for this show, you need to treat your talent as talent, their job is to read the words you give them.

    so give them clear clear clear words.

    im sorry this isnt clear

    card

    oh wait, yes it is.

    steve harvey is to blame.

    nobody pay him.

  3. Monday, September 15, 2014

    what a crazy wonderful nearly perfect weekend 

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    one of the bonuses of living in Hollywood is we get things that we dont deserve like special secret concerts

    this weekend we were treated to three nights of Hollywood Bowl performances celebrating The Simpsons,

    which is pretty much my favorite tv show of all time.

    Conan, Weird Al, the people behind the voices, and even creator Matt Groening was there

    it was fantastic and even had fireworks.

    great rundown of highlights on Franklin Ave!

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    my buddy Chris who i watched the original four seasons with in college was there along with the Miller sisters

    who could recite pretty much any line from any of the first 10 seasons.

    i wore my Pin Pal bowling shirt and was so full of excitement and happiness that i literally puked with glee

    during the live performance of The Bartman which lead into the fireworks.

    really? yes. it was hot, i was drunk, i had eaten a sandwich with pickles, and i was overwhelmed.

    now do you believe me that im a sensitive poet?

    or was it the xbi….?

    10695066_10152685462743057_1093998028_n

    then yesterday there was the Miss America show. which was so amazing that if i had anything to puke i woulda puked too

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    it was a cross between Pop Up videos, and the worst portions of Toddlers and Tiaras.

    no one should have won because there was very little to love about any of them except for how bizarre they were.

    10710550_935825603102949_8803282084590626122_n

    why did i watch it? oh because i love Miss America/Miss Universe but also I was on a super huge high after watching Da Bears

    UPSET the San Francisco 49ers in an amazing comeback on Sunday Night Football.

    there really is something absolutely wrong with me.

    not women, not food, not even a live showing of The Simpsons can get me as emotional as a Chicago Bears football game

    i get superstitious, i wont move, i cant drink, i can barely pee. im screaming at the TV

    im live tweeting like a mad man. and finally im stomping around the house hugging the cats

    and screaming to the church members jogging outside

    DA BEARS WIN THE PENNANT DA BEARS WIN THE PENNANT!

    i’m still flying high.

    im weird.

  4. Wednesday, December 19, 2012

    if theres one thing i like its a well fought Miss Universe pageant 

    this years Miss Universe was disappointing because the top five winners were ranked almost

    exactly backwards to what they should have been.

    my favorite from the very beginning was Miss Venezuela who’s strikingly beautiful

    legs for days

    and the most graceful, carefree, strut.

    but for some reason she decided to answer the question in English

    a language she clearly has no grasp of whatsoever.

    what ended up being her answer will be ridiculed right along with Miss Teen South Carolina 2006

    which is sad because both ladies should have won their deal.

    ironically this year the question that was asked right after Miss Venezuela’s

    was to Miss Philippines, who was asked “should Miss Universe speak English”?

    she answered it perfectly (“its not the language its the message”) which should have helped her win

    but instead they chose the very boring (and suspicious) choice of Miss USA.

    what an absolute waste of two hours where i could have been reading a book.

  5. Thursday, February 14, 2008

    not all the women ive met were miss universe contestants 

    but to me they were.

    i first met miss spain universe, mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

    she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.

    i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar.

    there being spain, not the topless tapas place.

    mar’a asked me if i was americano

    i said, si.

    she asked me if i liked my tapas

    i said, si.

    she asked me if i liked her cunt-

    then she coughed

    country

    and i said

    si.

    she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said

    si.

    she asked me what other words i knew.

    i said, burrito, taco, guacamole…

    she said, we dont have those things here.

    i said, si.

    so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.

    i sang

    spanish girl
    in all the world
    i want a spanish girl

    she doesnt know
    how much i weigh in pounds
    she doesnt care
    that im 108, 108 years oooooold
    oooooh my spanish girl.

    she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love
    as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities
    and the lines began to form outside the dunkin donuts shop across the pallazo.

    she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.

    i said, what about the metric system.

    she said, yes, but i know.

    i said, ah.

    she said, si.

    and i smiled.

    and i tilted my head to the exito

    and she said si.

    and we vamoosed into the madrid night forgetting our shirts

    and not giving a muchas gracias.

  6. Monday, July 24, 2006

    the miss universe pageant ended in tragedy 

    last night when the newly crowned winner, 18 yr old Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza fainted when she found out that i no longer date teenagers.

    what she didnt know is i make exceptions for miss universes.

    things to do today? i need to pay off these parking tickets.

    i need to go to home depot to get two hooks for my whiteboard calendar.

    and i need to get a nice roll of garbage bags at the 99 cent store.

    isnt my life exciting? i think i may faint.

    ten bucks she didnt faint because she was nervous and excited and the lights were hot and this city is hot and miss universe is hot,

    but she fainted because she hasnt eaten in a week, shes on diet pills, and she snorts speed off the ass cheeks of virgins.

    some nice fan sent me a Taschen book of all these olde fashioned sex pictures. like from the 1400s-1800s. and something that i noticed is even in their illustrations and paintings, the most desireable women were the curvy ones.

    there are no skinny girls in the erotic images of old.

    or very few, i should say, nitpickers.

    for the record i thought miss trinadad was hot, i also liked miss japan, and miss denmark.

    im glad miss usa didnt win, she was a ditz, and i was quite surprised how Latin the whole show was, obviously pandering to the 28 Latin countries who were being represented.

    i also think the top ten was hotter than the top five.

    i blame tom green who was one of the judges.

  7. Monday, July 10, 2006
  8. Tuesday, May 31, 2005

    miss universe pagent 

    bangkock, thailand
    nbc

    yes i called it. yes im amazing. yes its a little creepy.

    the dazzling blue eyes of miss canada triumphed over a latin onslaught of beauty and curves and va va voom to become miss universe 2005.

    in what might have been the first all-brunette and all-american (north, central, south) final, toronto’s Natalie Glebova is officially the hottest chick of the week.

    the 5’11” goddess had stiff competition as all of the finalists were quite adept at looking smokin in a dress, looking glamorous in a completely unflattering bikini, looking devistating in an evening gown, and being able to walk fast and spin in heels on a ramp, down stairs, and across a shiny stage.

    did miss glebova answer the final question all that well? nah. but her eyes made you crumble at her feet and she didnt fuck up and she had that lil something special that made you say got damn.

    the evening gown competition easilly went to miss venuzuela whose every curves were savored by the dress that seemed to be made especially for her. but when it came to questiontime she froze up and stood there like a dope. even in the forgiving nation of thailand thats unforgiveable.

    miss canada won on my ballot in the swimsuit competition. she was graceful smooth while she walked across the stage, she seemed confident and her body said mama mia with french accent.

    even though the judges selected miss puerto rico to be the runner up, i would have chosen miss mexico, but i was distracted with my own swimsuit modeling happening in front of my tv as my baseball date became obsessed with showing me how each of the girls were walking incorrectly

    particularily miss usa who seemed equal parts drunk and retarded.

    almost like her ben-wah balls had broken free and she was trying to keep them in their place.

    miss usa was an embarrassment and obviously the only reason she made it to the top 10 was for ratings which is sad because miss thailand, who won the costume portion of the competition, was very appealing in my household.

    i was very happy with the presentation of the competition. i was particularily pleased that they didnt bother us with any scores, tallys, or soap stars on director chairs in the audience to throw it back to the ever-annoying billy bush who seemed to want to start a fight with the dominican congregation and the slurry mcslurette nancy o’dell who filled in miserably for miss daisy fuentes who co-hosted last year with bush. yes its gay that i remembered that.

    heres what needs to change next year. the bikinis have to go. i dont know what nbc is trying to do with those bikinis but theyre horrible. are they trying to protect us from clevage or nipples? i think they must be. but when 2004 miss universe, the aussie babe whose dress accidentally fell off last year in a mall, when she came out to put the crown on miss canada, it was obvious that nipples were a-ok on the program.

    so please, someone, make a bikini that looks like a real bikini and not whatever that was that you put on those hot babes.

    meanwhile, bravo canada, your chickie didnt fall and she looked real good walking around like she did. thus ends our special coverage of the miss universe pagent. who knows maybe next year they’ll invite a blogger to cover it live.

    return to the busblog for more hot ladies

  9. Friday, May 27, 2005

    can you believe that in the middle of our miss universe two week pre show bonanza 

    someone would have the nerve to come up in here and say yeah i havent been through here in a long time, but can you change everything that youre doing?

    apparently im not giving the instapundit enough shit.

    which is true, but thats not what we do over here. im not my pundits keeper. im not interested in shooting fish in a barrel, im not ready to sell out to the lowest common denomenator of pointing fingers and saying HA youre wrong again! i know thats what gets hits. i know thats one reason why glenn is number one in some lists and number two in others and why the daily kos is one or two on those same lists.

    but thats not my thing.

    dont you see how its effecting our bro matt good?

    why would i want to sully myself in the mudslinging and misrepresentation of a segment of the blogosphere who will seriously split hairs down to debating about whether newsweek was wrong in saying that a military investigation has revealed that there was koran abuse in a prison or that it was simply just an inside military individual who admitted to the flushing of the muslim good book

    when the bigger picture is America in 2005 is in the torture business

    and our tax dollars are supporting it

    and our president is supporting it

    and far as i can tell the right wing bloggers want to turn a blind eye to it.

    and you know what, let em. fuck em. think i would hang out with any of them if we all lived on the same block? then why on earth would i pay attention to their good ole boy network of neuveux dittohead bullshit?

    didnt the last election teach us that all the blogs in the world will not make an iota of difference in jesusland. didnt 2004 teach us that you could make a film as great as F 9/11 and it can make $100 mil and tell an important story in american history but there will be enough naysayers to say “shutup hippie quit being fat” and the goobers and the greedy will hold hands and bum rush the show again and again and again.

    those are not the stories i want to report upon.

    as joe strummer and mick jones said the other day:

    They offered me the office, offered me the shop,
    They said I’d better take anything they’ve got.
    Do you wanna make tea at the BBC?
    Do you wanna be, do you really wanna be a cop?

    i really dont wanna be a cop. and a cop is someone who says oh you fucked up, look at how you fucked up, look at how wrong you are, look at where your lack of education and your bad choices have led you, heres where you went wrong. and of course this is the right way to do things.

    instapundit has his thing, kos has his. they seem very happy in their world and theyre successful business men reaping hefty rewards doing what they do. i am not in the slightest bit interested in any of that.

    you may see me from time to time comment on this thing or that thing but dont get used to it and certainly dont expect it.

    what the busblog will continue to do is write about me, LA, the hotties, miss universe, television, the wonderful world of blogging, and rock music. the cubs are breaking my heart but they may get a few keystrokes as well.

    i am sure that you can find other blogs in the blogosphere who will happilly continue to write about how wrong guys like the good professor are, and if youre not aware of them, here are a few

    oliver willis + wonkette + crooks and liars

  10. Tuesday, May 24, 2005

    i first met miss spain universe 

    mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

    she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.

    i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar [who play tonight in Downey].

    there being spain, not the topless tapas place.

    mar’a asked me if i was americano

    i said, si.

    she asked me if i liked my tapas

    i said, si.

    she asked me if i liked her cunt-

    then she coughed

    country

    and i said

    si.

    she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said

    si.

    she asked me what other words i knew.

    i said, burrito, taco, guacamole…

    she said, we dont have those things here.

    i said, si.

    so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.

    i sang

    spanish girl
    in all the world
    i want a spanish girl

    she doesnt know
    how much i weigh in pounds
    she doesnt care
    that im 108, 108 years oooooold
    oooooh my spanish girl.

    she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love
    as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities
    and the lines began to form outside the duncan donuts shop across the pallazo.

    she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.

    i said, what about the metric system.

    she said, yes, but i know.

    i said, ah.

    she said, si.

    and i smiled.

    i tilted my head toward the exito and raised an eyebrow

    she smiled si si.

    we escaped into the madrid night forgetting our shirts

    and not giving a muchas gracias.

    – originally posted may 24, 2004

    guinness and poker + leah + anti + the hun