nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, May 16, 2005

    miss serbia reminds me of my beautiful wife 

    moxie who knows a thing or two about floating in a hotel pool and this morning she emailed me and said that if i wanted to swim with her and her girlfriends that wednesday would be the day and i was all why not today what else you girls have to do and she was all we have to tone up.

    these are the skinniest girls youve ever met, america. skinniest.

    some people think the biggest problems in america is the fact that the republicans are gangbanging the consititution or that we’ve caused such a disturbance in iraq that the secretary of state cant even make a secret trip to baghdad without car bombs exploding or handcuffed executed men being found in the ghettos, or the fact that newsweek reported that us interrogators flushed the koran down a toilet in guantanemo bay in a way to torture afghan prisoners and people started rioting thousands of miles away in the middle east even though this shit has been going on for years.

    no the biggest problem facing america is the fact that everyone thinks theyre fat and no one can enjoy eating and walking around and laying out poolside and getting naked on my coffee table without being selfconsious.

    im all just dance bitch clearing room for her and threatening to go up there and shwo her how its done.

    a man should be able to sit in his layzboy pack a bowl and crack open two miller high lifes and put together a funky little playlist on his itunes without having to tell the ho that she isnt fat eightyfive times. im going to start writing down what lines work and what lines dont because there is a combination

    oh you get the hottest girls in la up in here i cant show you my legs.

    come on baby you know i have no memory, plus nothing in there is true, im actually a thirty year old virgin, you know those who always talk about it never get it.

    youre getting it now

    am i?

    dont stop, get it, get it
    we are your captains in it
    watch me navigate,

    then after they cover up, then when they go to the hot tub they cover up, then when they walk across the yard to answer the bell from the case of mgd being delivered by pink dot they cover up and i say baby i swear if i was a chick and i had the shit that youve got and some delivery dude was bringing me beer id let him have an eyefull, you dont know men, that would make a mans day.

    you dont know women she tells me and its true and im laying there with a gut and this year is the first year ive ever thought twice about taking my shirt off at a pool but shit after what she and i went through who am i kidding

    im going to eat cheese on my burgers, im going to have mayo on it, im going to drink regular coke when i want regular coke and its summer if i want ice cream at two am in long beach im going to have a fucking ice cream from a roach coach in long beach.

    people are blowing themselves up allegedly because of a magazine that most of these, and this is not a slur its the truth, illiterate fanatics who seem to have run out of reasons to suicide each other

    and these fingerpolishing size four hawaiians are convinced that theyre fat.

    and as soon as she returns im pitching a tent under my beach towel and i say baby let me show you the difference between what is fat and what is not fat.

    and when she comes back with the bowl of pretzels im gonna see if she’ll play a lil game of marco polo with me.

    slightly modified.

    kitty bukkake + just a girl + sk smith + jenny lee

  2. Monday, May 24, 2004

    i first met miss spain universe, 

    mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

    she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.

    i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar.

    there being spain, not the topless tapas place.

    mar’a asked me if i was americano

    i said, si.

    she asked me if i liked my tapas

    i said, si.

    she asked me if i liked her cunt-

    then she coughed


    and i said


    she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said


    she asked me what other words i knew.

    i said, burrito, taco, guacamole…

    she said, we dont have those things here.

    i said, si.

    so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.

    i sang

    spanish girl

    in all the world

    i want a spanish girl

    she doesnt know

    how much i weigh in pounds

    she doesnt care

    that im 108, 108 years oooooold

    oooooh my spanish girl.

    she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love

    as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities

    and the lines began to form outside the duncan donuts shop across the pallazo.

    she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.

    i said, what about the metric system.

    she said, yes, but i know.

    i said, ah.

    she said, si.

    and i smiled.

    and i tilted my head to the exito

    and she said si.

    and we left into the madrid night forgetting our shirts

    and not giving a muchas gracias.

    dot floofy + bloopy + dougie gyro

  3. Thursday, May 22, 2003

    hi miss china 

    hi tony pierce.

    i want you, miss china.

    i want you too, tony pierce.

    what are you going to do if you win miss universe, miss china.

    im going to wrap my arms around you, tony pierce, and give you a big juicy kiss.

    are you a good kisser, miss china?

    thats what my girlfriend tells me.

    well, hmmm, well, i didnt know.

    you didnt ask.

    but you would kiss me?

    mmmm definately.

    what else would you do if you got miss universe?

    travel around and spend money.

    you wouldnt help promote world peace?

    people with guns and bombs dont listen to beauty queens, tony.

    maybe they would if you kissed them first.

    fine, i’ll kiss people with guns and bombs then.

    are you a good cook, miss china?

    yes i am as a matter of fact.

    whats the dish that you like to cook the most?

    probably waffles.

    theyve got waffles in china?

    we’ve got lots of things in china that you wouldnt expect.

    yeah, like what?

    like the new Tsar record.

    but it hasnt been recorded yet.

    yes it has, it just hasnt been mixed yet, sillyhead.

    so you have the new Tsar record, unmixed?

    yep, it’s great, comes free with Windows XTP.

    what’s Windows XTP?

    the second version of Windows XP.

    whats the T stand for?


    you’re pretty hot, miss china.

    you’re not so bad yourself, tony.

    you know im not a judge, right.

    youre not a judge?


    then what are you?

    im just a blogger.




    so does this mean the interview is over?

    pretty much.

    can i have your number then?

    sure, just answer one of my questions.


    whats my name?

    no fair asking hard questions, miss china.

    rishi + encantada + that broken girl

  4. Tuesday, May 28, 2002

    miss russia, Oxana Fedorova, 

    was about the only person that i didnt get drunk with this weekend, but who knows, i may have, around ten pm on monday everything was blurry, and i could have sworn that there was a hot chick in my california king waterbed but it must have just been my imagination running away with me for in the morning i put my arm where chica should have been and there was nothing there but pillows and pillows.


    but who’s complaining? karisa and her roommate had a sweet pool party, tsar played at morgan’s new bachelor pad, all the playoff games were terrific, i got to see so many of my dear friends including ones i hadnt seen in quite a while.

    layne was there and gave a glorious account including highlights from the morgan freeman directed tsar video debut.

    but now my head aches and my body aches and my legs are sore, strangely.

    fortunately the 51st annual Miss Universe competition will be broadcast on CBS tomorrow and we can finally know who is the hottest young woman in the entire galaxy.

    as if we didnt already know.

    do you know what i want this summer?